Dear Readers:
I think my life experience is what qualifies me to write this column. I made every mistake imaginable. But have learned from them. Most important I still remember what it was like to be 12, 13, 14, 15, and so on. Currently I am a single mom, I have two wonderful boys. One in college. We are all happy emotionally. We love life, and know that you can too. I try to be the kind of parent that understands. I know that I can help you to understand where you parents are coming from, and help you get over the difficulties of being young. You can even have your parents write to me and I will help them to get over their fears and at least respect you and your feelings. I have been married and divorced twice, so I have experience in that field also. But now I own my own home, and my own business and am successful. Lots of luck to you! Hope to hear from you.
Website: Ask Michele
E-mail: cobweb2@comcast.net
Gender: Female
Location: Connecticut
Occupation: accountant, internet marketing, creative writing
Age: 56
Member Since: March 22, 2005
Answers: 1331
Last Update: June 20, 2010
Visitors: 84232
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Hi.
I am 14 years old, and lets just say my name is S. I am a girl, and a diabetic. I sometimes don't get my periods, its irregular and have went to the doctor about it. They said theres nothing they can do except give me birth control, which my mom did not want me on. I have about 9 or 10 lumps (size of tiny pimples) around my left and right nipples, and soreness around my breast. I really do not know if this is breast cancer related, but I am too afraid to go to the doctor. I am afraid to show anyone my body, so I won't go to a family member, or like I said, a doctor.. can one of you please give me some advice before I go to drastic measures such as my MOM?
sincerely,
S. (link)
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Ok, I will give this a shot. It does not sound like breast cancer. And I know some people who have had it. WHile breast cancer is "possible" at your age, it is very very rare. And usually breast cancer is not painful, not until the end. And you'd know long before you got to that point. Birth control pills ARE the ONLY way to fix irregular periods, but no need to go on them now, you can do that when you are older, and want to have more control over your periods so that you can plan things. It is much nicer to be able to track your periods with a calendar and not be left to the mercy of your hormones. I think the soreness is caused by growing, and by hormones. My breasts always got sore and tender before my period came. Your hormones are so irregular that your breasts are mostly likely sore and tender all of the time. The tiny pimples are normal and may never go away. I have seen a number of breast nipples that have those little white bumps around the center nipple. It is nothing to worry about. And no it is not unsightly. Many women have them. It is the way you are. Just stay healthy, get exercise and eat right. Drink lots of water and do NOT SMOKE. SMOKING is linked to breast cancer. So if you don't want to have breast cancer when you are in your forties or fifties, don't smoke.
Michele
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I have this problem of disorganization, and handing stuff in late, at school, when I'm like an A+ student, but then sometimes for lateness I get dropped down 5-10 points. I really dont want to get bad grades because of my disorganization, and lack of neatness. My locker is messy, I keep saying that I'll do it tommorow, but never do, and the same with my room. Therefore, I get in trouble with my parents and teachers. A lot of times, while I'm doing homework (especially on the computer) if I'm bored, or not, I always seem to get distracted by something. Even my stories that I write sometimes dont even have any problems in them (not for school though) and I make the characters go off on tangents, like I do a lot of times in real life. Can someone give me some organization tips? All answers will be greatly appreciated. (link)
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IT sounds to me like you suffer from ADD. Attention deficit disorder, without the H, which means HYPER. You are not hyper. My boyfriend, who is an aduld has the same problem, he went to the doctor and that is what they diagnosed. He is very smart, just very disorganized, and he agonizes over something like having to clean his house. He often gets distracted. He is often late. His desk at work is a mess. But at some things he excells. Look up ADD on the internet, and read some of the stories and see if they sound like you. And read what other people have done about them. We don't recommend drugs. There are natural supplements you can take that will help to calm you down and help you focus like St. John's Wort, or L-Theanine. Look those up too, see what you think. You may always have to work hard to stay organized, but remeber there are some very famous and very successful people in this world who have the same problems. Get as much information as you can , and you'll be able to make informed decisions on your life.
Michele
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ok me and my boyfriend have been going out for a month and 1 week he wants to have sex im 14 hes 15 have we been going out long enough (link)
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No I don't think you have been going out long enough, and I also don't think you are old enough. And let me say this also. Before you are ready to have sex with a boy, and one that you haven't not known for a lllllooooonnnnngggg time.
Then you must also be ready to be
DUMPED
LIED TO
EMBARRASED
HURT
DEVASTED
TALKED ABOUT
USED
and feel like sh*t when he doesn't call you after he got what he wanted. It takes a lot more time than one month for love to develope. And usualy more wisdom than you have at age 14. You may believe that you are in love, but boys that age, usually don't feel "love" they feel lust, and yes many times they call it love, but it fades real fast, and the girls are left behind wondering what to hell happened......?????
That's my age old advice to you. Wait, you'll be glad you did.
Michele
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I have a big problem with thinking i am FAT! I'm 5'5 and i weigh 119.5! So I dont eat alot. My boyfriend worries about me an tells me if i dont go to start eating right then he was gonna tell someone. I went to the doctor to get my physical for cross country an he pushed on my tummy an asked me if i ever ate an i said sometimes an he said do you have an appitite an im like not really an he said that he could tell that i hardley ever ate by pressing on my stomach! I wanna eat but i get too full soo easy! what should i do? (link)
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Just eat small meals that are really healthy. Fruit, dairy, vegetables. They won't make you fat. Have soup, yogurt, lots of water. They won't make you fat and take vitamins. Then you know that you will stay health. That is most important. Health. Many healthy people are thin. Just make sure every calorie you take in is going to be good for you. Eat the right foods and you won't get fat.
Michele
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I`ve been with my boyfriend almost a year and half but we broke up because he cheated on me he had one night stand with some girl that he knew when he went to visit his parents for x-mass. It all started when i called him and asked him if he done anything with other girls (I always ask him this stuff cause im Kind of jealous) and asked him to tell me the truth and be honest with me! He said that he made out with some girl that he knew and that he didnt see her again because she left for college away and that he still cared about me and liked me! I got really pissed and sad I couldn't even speak ...i didnt believe it that my boyfriend the person that i cared most and trusted, my best friend did something like that to me! We had a fight and since that day we didnt talk anymore so i guess it was over…! Then recently some weeks ago he wrote me an email and explained to me that he was really sorry for what had happened and that he didnt want to hurt me and that he has changed and doesn't do this things again he also said that since the day that we haven't talk he was feeling really bad and sad and that if he could he would make things up and that he missed me so much! I think he wants to make up again and be like we were before ...I really love him so much and care about him i want him in my life but i m also scared that he would do the same thing again I really don't know what to do! Should i give him one more chance? Please help me!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! :(((( *tears* (link)
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This question has come up very often, not just to me, but even to experts, and I have read their answers and I think they make sense. By all means you should give him another chance. Everyone deserves a second chance. If you were married with children, and this happened, would it be worth it to break up the family, over one indescretion, if indeed he is sincere in his promise that it will never happen again? And that is key...you must make it clear, he has only ONE chance. He may have infact changed, people do change. I think the fact that it took a while for him to "feel" the pain of missing you, and "feel" the shame of having cheated on you and hurting you, often that is enough to change someone. If he said this one hour after you caught him, then I would not have believed that it was more than a line.....there would not have been enough time for him to feel the pain of his actions.
HEre is more advice. You do not have to trust him right away. In fact that will be hard, but you to have to work at learning to trust him again. Trust is very important to a healthy relationship. And it is ok to tell him that it will take time, and even if you have to sort of "check on him" on occasion so that you can be assured that he is not, that is ok, as long as it eventually stops. The other thing that is very important. You can't be constantly reminding him of his mistake. Don't bring it up every time you have an argument about something. If you agree to take him back, for your own sake, you must also agree, not to relive the past over and over. That is not healthy.
Also I think you should do something about feeling jealous. It is a waste of energy. Because there will always be cuter, younger, richer, skinner, (take your pick) girls that you. They are out there. That doesn't mean that you don't have value and worth and cannot be loved and cherised by someone who thinks you are wonderful, and doesn't care one bit about all the other girls out there. A real man is like that. Cheating has nothing to do with the girlfriend, (even though they always blame their partner) and everything to do withthe person who is DOING THE CHEATING. They feel inadequate, and need to conquer women to feel good about themselves. It is good to aviod these kinds of men/boys.
I hope this helped. Good luck to you. And like I said, make it clear to him, he has ONE CHANCE, and I think you will both be ok. I hope so because it sounds like you really love him.
Michele
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Hello. I'm asking you this question because you're an experienced adult. I'm having a family crisis and have no one to turn to.
I suspect my dad has bipolar disorder. Being around him, when he's going through his manic stages, is like being in a cult. He will tell people crazy things, apparantly from God. He told three different people that their child is not there's. He even told my brother that his uncle was his real father, yet my uncle denies it. My dad said he would not believe a paternity test. He tells me he knows the truth about all things and that one day he'll tell me. It's very scary sometimes.
I know he does drugs, because people have seen him do it. He will take speed while reading the bible, and go days without sleeping or eating. He smokes pot a lot because I can smell it. He's doing these drugs right in front of my mother, who has MS and is an involent. She can't speak or eat or move or even keep eye contact. My dad constantly takes care of her because he refuses to put her in a nursing home or let anyone else watch her. I think this is one of the reasons he's getting worse and worse. He's lost pretty much all contact with the outside world.
He will be fine one minute, then the next be completely irrational and snap at me and my 14 year old brother. My brother is becoming depressed because of how my dad treats him. He does not want to go to school or hang out with friends. All he wants to do is sleep or get out of the house. My dad sucked my brother into believing that if they prayed hard enough, it would cure my mother. I can only imagine how this made my brother feel when nothing happened.
I am worried about my dad, but I am also worried about my confused, messed up brother. My family constantly bad-mouths my dad, who bad-mouths them back. My brother feels like he has no one to turn to, and he doesn't know who to believe. I can tell my brother has been heavily brain-washed by my dad because when I try to talk some sense into him, he just spews out something my dad has said to him.
My dad thinks he's right about everything, and will not listen to anyone who tries to help him. Once he asked my cousin if the family is going to let him be crazy, so I think sometimes he does know that he has a problem. But he won't let anyone help him! I also think my brother needs to be moved to a better environment, but he isn't as strong as me as says he wouldn't leave dad.
I am 19 years old and searching for a full time job so I can get my own apartment. One of the reasons I did not go to college was because I didn't want to leave my brother with my dad. I don't know what I can do for my brother since he does not want to move, and I'm too afraid that if I take legal action or speak up, my mom will be moved to a nursing home. My dad treats mom so well, it's just himself and everyone else that he needs to work on! I know how bad nursing homes are because my mother was in one for a few years and some of her things got stolen and she would get sick a lot because they didn't understand how to take care of her like my dad does.
I'm so torn and confused, I feel like there's no answer that wouldn't leave us in shambles, but if you have any advice, I would appreciate it! (link)
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Hello Dear, I am sorry that you did not leave your name. I will try to help,but you really are in a tough spot. But you are 19, so the world says you are an adult, and I am glad that you are strong. You sound strong and that is what will be needed. Maybe you can get some help from an agency that can come in and spend time with your mom, an hour or so a day. Just to make sure that she is being taken care of. I know you said you dad does a good job, and that is hopeful, but your mom is in no condition to tell you if he is or not. I know some nursing homes are bad, but not all, and well if the family visits often, they usually pay more attention. As far as a visiting nurse, it think that would give you some peace of mind, and they do a much better job, and you have to be adamant with your dad, saying that it is for him also, he needs a break. And give him a reason to leave the house at that time so that he doesn't harass the visiting nurse. I hope you can look into that. Look up VNA"s in the phone book. The will bill the state if your parents are on assistance, or the Federal govenment if your mom is on SSI.
As far as your brother. maybe if you did get that apartment, and had him visit,and then visit again and then visit some more, maybe he will decide that your home is more peaceful, and then he will come to live with you. It may take some time to work on him. Remember your dad has had 14 years to work on him, at a time when your brother is very impressionable. So it will take time for you to work on him to get him healty again. You will have to work gently. Instead of saying "you can't" start sentences with "Why not"
Like "why not stay here for the weekend" instead of "you can't go home, dad is not in his righ mind".
Your father's problems are going to get worse. He needs professional help. But he is not going to seek it out himself. It may take a tragedy to happen, that gets the authorities involved, before he is forced to get some help. And the visiting nurse will notice and may have to take action, but it may not be the worse thing that can happen. CAn your mom communicate with you? Does she tell you that she wants things to stay the way they are? Or is she scared too? If your dad were removed, could you take care of her and your brother?
Listen dear, you don't have to fix everything. And you can't. Not all problems were meant to be solved. Really, it is enough that you want to, and I believe that you have done your best, but some things are just not fixable. Not by one person alone. And sometimes the things we want most, cannot be. Like you dad wanting to continue to take care of your mom and you kids. It is not his fault if he is having difficulty staying lucid. It is not your fault. It is just a fact. But things can get so much worse, and everyone will wonder" why didn't anyone do anything? "WHy didn't she ask for help?" And it doesn't matter that you are 19, this could be happening at 29 or 39. There is no convenient time for a problem like this. It is the scariest thing that a young person has to do. Deal with a parent that is not in their right mind. Or very ill, and you have both. You need to find some help with this problem, and no there are not guarantees that the family will remain together, but you must be pragmatic. I am sorry that I don't have good news. I hope that you found some information in here that you can use. You have a long life ahead of you, I hope thatyou do get to college. I am 52 and back in college myself. So you can go at any time. You are smart and deserve to go. You have to step up to the plate and be ready for some members of your family to be mad at you, but in the long run it may turn out OK. There are agencies out there than can give you advice. In Conn. we have a INFO HOT LINE called 211. that gives advice to people about issues like this. I know they have social services agencies in your state. Look in the blue pages of the phone book. Please find some help. You don't have to solve this problem by yourself. There is no solution that will make everyone happy. But health and safety come first.
Sorry for your troubles. You are a very strong person.
Michele
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the yellow part of the egg, I know, is the fattest part of the egg. What about the white part? That's suppose to be the healthiest, right? (link)
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The yellow part of the egg contains 5 grams of fat. The white is pure protein. The yellow parts contains more vitamins. Like A and E, and Omega 3. It is healthy, but if you are trying to cut down on fat and cholesterol, then you should limit the # of egg yokes you have. As the other person indicated. Omelettes made with one egg yoke and three egg whites are very good.
Michele
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hi michele i'm 11 years old and im a boy. i have a girlfriend but sometimes i like to look at other boys and sometimes at night when im trying to sleep i think about those boys and touch myself "down there". it feels really good but it's scary. is this normal? what should i do? (link)
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I think it is normal to be curious about sex, and about your own sexuality. I think young people think about sex in many different ways today, because of all the exposure you get to sexual images on TV, magazines and advertisements. And of course each person in those ads is drop dead gorgeous. They are all attactive. In some cases the men more than the women. You don't have to make a decision at this age, on your sexual orientation. Some people think they are attracted to the opposite sex, and find out well into their adult years, that they are REALLY attracted to the same sex. I think sexual fantasies are safe and we cannot control them. If you think about boys, then so be it. Does that mean you will become more and more attracted to boys as you get older. No it is not a guarantee. My suggestion is that you take your time, and go slow. Sometimes it is "people" that we are attracted to. We like their personalities, and would be attracted to them whether they were male or female. Usually it is because they are nice to us. That is OK. What I think is most important in the world, and it may not happen until you are much older, is that whomever you are attracted to, let it be someone that you love and respect, and who loves and respects you back. And that you enjoy each others company. That is what will make you happy in life. But do be careful. If it turns out that you think you are more and more attracted to the same sex, you can't just go and blurt it out in mixed company. It is still not accepted in many places.
Hope this helps.
Good luck to you.
Michele
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How do you know if oxygen level is low (link)
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Two things you can look at. Lips and nails. A child or even an adult's lips will have a blue hue to them. Blue tint. If they are not getting enough oxygen. Our nails also, the skin under the nails will not be pink. They will be pale white and then even the nails can take on a blue tint to them. This is a DEFINITE sign of lack of oxygen in a person. These signs are easier to see in infants. Their skin is very fair and translucent. Even in afro-american children, you can check the nail beds. Anthother sign is fast paced breathing. Especially in an infant. They will have fast and shallow breathing. So if you have any or all of these symptoms, then there is a problem.
Michele
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i have fine hair how ican i add body, like a special hair cut or some product maybe? (link)
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THis stuff works great, I use it and I love it. I can't believe how this my hair is. It is a vitamin that is called SHEN MIN Hair Nutrient, advanced Women's Formula. I wish I had this stuff years and years ago. My hair dresser can't believe how much more volume my hair has, and how healthy it is. You can find this stuff at most health food or vitamin stores. I am also sure you can find it on the internet. It may cost you about $25.00 for a one month supply, but it is worth it. My hair is growing very fast also and so are my nails.
Michele
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Hey, im on a diet, but i have no idea what foods to eat.
I kno veggies and fruits and no white bread.
But like for actual meals, what should I eat?
I have to make a grocery list for my mom so it would really help to have this info asap. Thanks will rate high. (link)
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Here is the same answer I gave to some other girls with the same question Don't expect miracles in two weeks. but you will see a difference in two weeks, and just keep it up, and you will loose all the weight you want and look really hot!
You need a two fold plan. Burn calories and tone or build muscles. Burning calories is any exercise of long duration. Running, walking, biking, skating, swimming. rowing, for an hour four or five times a weeek. (good thing it's summer time) Any or a combination of all of them. Then work with free weights. Low weights like 3 to 5 to 8 lbs will help tone muscles, higher weights will build muscles. (You can use cans of beans to start.)You don't want to work on building muscles until you have lost weight. Otherwise you build the muscles under the fat and you will not look better. GEt a book on weight lifting or go to www.about.com they have a section on weight loss and weight training, you can sign up for their free newsletter. If you are going to work out a home can you invest in a few hand weights and a work out bench. You can't do the right kind of exercises on the floor. Look for books by Joyce Verdral, PHD. She has books about weight lifing that explain everything, and they have pictures and all. YOu can find used books and old books on the web at www.half.com for very little money.
And finally, yo need to go on a very low fat diet, here is a basic one that I used for many years, and still try to follow. I know this works. I lost 45 lbs. in 5 months. The more fat you have the mor weight you will loose
Cut all fat out of your diet. Read the labels and see what food you eat that contains fat. I mean the nutrition labels. Foods that are high in fat are
Whole milk
ice cream
potato chips
cookies
cakes
pies
cheese
cheese
cheees
especially cheese
cheetos
doritos
french fries
NO FRIED FOODS
snack only on pretzels and low fat popcorn
no candy
no soda
drink lots of water
consume low fat or no fat versions of
milk
yogurt
drink lots of water
eat lots of fruits and veggies
white meat chicken and turkey or fish baked or broiled or grilled. NO FRYING
no red meat.
Eat a piece of chicken or turkey no larger than the size of your hand.
Cereal is a good snack food. Choose cereals low in fat and low in sugar, have with skim milk.
Eat dairy, fruit and cereal in the am.
snack on fruit
eat dairy, fruit, 4 oz of meat, and one slice of whole grain bread, or pretzels or popcorn and veggies or salad for lunch
repeat for dinner.
have a smalll bowl of cereal with fat free milk as a snack after dinner. Or pretzels or popcorn
follow this NO CHEATING, and you will loose 10 lbs in two weeks.
This is taken form the FAT TO MUSCLE DIET. It is a book, see if you can find a copy.
Good Luck to you. You go girl!
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i just got a new lap top, and i want to have internet connection in my room, so i plugged it in to the phone jack. it didnt work, am i doing something wrong? i saw some thing called an ethernet cable, does that have ne thing to do with it? (link)
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I am not an expert, but I can send you in the right direction. What kind of internet connection do you have in the house. Meaning, do you have a PC in the house hooked up to the internet. IF so, that is your best option, to piggy back on to that connection, UNLESS they are using dial up. then you have to use dial up also. So plugging it into a phone jack is a good start, but then you have to create the dial up connection in your laptop. If dial up is your only option, then I can suggest that you get one of the free AOL cd's that are always getting mailed to people, and insert it into your laptop and it should walk you through the procedure. choose dial up, not LAN or cabel connection. Eventually you have to pay for the AOL service.
NOw if your PC is hooked up to the interner via DSL or cable connection, then you need to invest into A REMOTE ROUTER, AND AN ETHERNET CARD. The card gets inserted into your lap top. The remote router gets connected to the PC that is hooked up to the internet via CABLE or DSL. ONce that is up and running, your laptop should find the signal from anywhere in the house. It may cost you a couple hundred dollars to buy the router and ethernet card.
GOod luck, and hope this helps.
Even if the PC is hooked up cable you may still be able to get your own dial up account via AOL.
Michele
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i wrote poems and entered them in conests and the companys are willing to publish them but i should copyright them first and i want to know if there is a website that i can go to to copyright my poems FOR FREE because i am only 14 and dont have that kind of money (link)
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GO to Creative Commons, Search for them with GOogle. You'll find them. They will help you copyright your poems. You can do it all on line. I think it is free, and you can chose to have limited copyrights, or whatever. THey explain it all in a video, it's really cool. They copyrighte, music, videos, pictures, text, songs, it's all there for you to see. good luck, and great going with the poems getting pubished!
Michele
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My self esteem has been really low lately and, as a result, I am depressed. I've been going through depression on and off since about sixth or seventh grade. 15/f. Usually I can do something about it on my own, but all of my usual tactics aren't working anymore. I never cut or do anything to hurt myself. Often I find myself thinking about suicide, but I would never do it because I love my family too much and I'm also a Christian. Everything that used to be right in my life seems to have changed for the worst. I used to have a wonderful relationship with God, but something has changed, and I can't fix it. I used to also have a lot of confidence, and it helped me accomplish my goals, but now, as I said before, my self-esteem is really low, because I see my mistakes, I can't forget my failures, and it seems I can't escape my weaknesses. Well, I'm going to a new high school this year for my sophomore year, and for the first time in my life, I don't want to go. I'm afraid of what ppl will think of me and whether I will have any friends. I'm afraid to live life now, and I don't want to do it either. Please help. I don't want to be like this forever. I really don't want it to have to come to therapy and/or medication. My family doesn't need to know about it. I don't want to make a big deal about it. I just want to feel better, because I've been going through this for too long. Please help. (link)
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Hey, thanks for writing.
Well I can make a lot of suggestions, but I am wondering if your depression may in fact be a chemical imbalance. You don't give me any reasons for feeling lousy, meaning that you seen to care about your family, and you don't want to die, and you have felt good in the past. I understand that you don't want to be on medication. That would also be my very last choice. I'd try lots of things before that. If it is a chemical imbalance, then I would recommend 2 things... (1.) working out, with weights. Join a gym class or YMCA and learn to lift weights. A hard work out releases endorphins into your blood stream that reach your brain, and make you feel better. I really works. I guess running would be a good option too, if you prefer. (2.) taking a natural sustance like St. John's Wort or Noni Juice or 5HTP, or even just taking a good multi vitamin will help your body to balance the 'imbalance', boost your immune system, and general make you feel better. And I don't mean One-A-Day's that you see advertise on TV. A good vitamin from a health food store, which would also have the other supplements I recommended.
Now barring a chemical imbalance.....if your low self-esteem is situational, then I would reommend you try these remedies...... How do you feel about yourself? Do you think you are lacking in some ways? I can tell you that that is your age. At 15 we are bombarded with media advertising that pictures all these beautiful, perfect, well dressed, kids all laughing, happy and with everything a person needs to be happy, i.e. cell phone, dvd players, mp3 players, ipod, latest styles, and colors and shoes and hair, etc, etc, etc. We see it on TV, in magazines, in school, at the mall. Your generation and your age bracket is the MOST TARGETED MARKETING GROUP (in the history of marketing) by all of the corporations out there that want yours or your parent's money. It is not by chance that you see so many kids on tv and in magazines looking like they are happy, it is by design. And most kids don't realize that they are being marketed to. They just look at these perfect kids in perfect clothes with the latest and greatest,and see that they don't measure up. They don't understand that it is lighting and makeup and take after take after take of a commercial of a kid talking on the cell, or eating at McDonalds, etc. etc. And believe me, at the end of the day, those kids are NOT SMILING. the other thing you need to remember is that those kids are being paid to look happy. So it is no wonder that so many kids think they don't measure up and worry about what other people (people their age) will think about them. Time to find some down to earth friends. There are billions of people in the world, not all of them are going to like you. You won't even meet all of them. But if you try, and keep looking, you will find people who will like you. Who cares about the ones who may not. A rejection by a person who doesn't not really know you, is not rejection at all. They can't reject YOU if they don't know you, and if they choose to avoid you because you don't dress like them, or have as much money, or are not blond, or on the cheerleading squad, who cares. There are so many other groups, and people just like yourself, who are down to earth and reasonable.
I know it is hard to be starting at a new school where you don't know anyone. As grown ups, most of us who had to go through it, will tell you it was the hardest thing they had to do in their young lives. It was traumatic. You can't help wondering if you will fit in. I do know this....Most of us adults, have wonderful lives, and the bad memories of the past are just that, bad memories. You can get there too, you just have to be sure to accomplish a few things.
here they are:
ONe. GET AN EDUCATION. Don't think of school as a place to make lasting friendships, or find your true and every lasting love. That does not happen for even the most popular and beautiful and confident people in high school.
TWO. DON"T GET PREGNANT OUT OF MARRIAGE. That is the first step to poverty. And will put the brakes on any hope of having control over your life in the future.
GO TO COLLEGE. That is where you will further your education, so that you have choices on what you will do, where you will live and how you will live inthe future. And COLLEGE is where you WILL make lasting friendships, and you may just meet the love of your life.
You are surrounded by kids your age going through the same things you are, with the same doubts, and fears. No one talks about it though. As adults, we mature, and number one, we stop being mean to each other. We stop being in groups that exclude other people, and we stop judging people. Most of us anyway. So I hope you can be patient and wait until the world catches up with you. YOu seem very mature for your age, and that probably goes against you with kids in your age group. You are ahead of your time, honey. Adulthood will be sooo much better. Please hang around for it.
Also, It is time to start "accomplishing" things again. You can start small, but start and complete a project or task. Do something really nice for someone, who wouldn't expect it.
Hang with adults for a while they are usually happy for the company. They look at young people like yourself, and each one of them has a fleeting wish......."boy I wish I could trade places..."
You will understand when you are older.
Here is my final piece of advice.
God's side of your relationship is not broken, you can renew it any time you like, when you are ready. It is dissapointing to find out that the world is not such a pretty place. It's like when you are a kid, they tell you, believe in GOd, follow the commandements, and everything will be ok. You'll be blessed, God loves you. yadda, yadda, yadda. Then you find out about people killing people, hating people for not good reason, kids starving, bombs, wars, etc, and you say, well why don't these people just believe in GOd, and everything will be alright, then you realize that they got the same info you did as a child, how come it is not working....why is life so hard, and so bad for some people.....
Well, I do believe in GOd, but man, not GOd, wrote the Bible, Man can make mistakes, and in fact does. I am not sorry for all that I learned about GOd and Jesus and Christianity. And I know that it has an influence over my life and how I live it. But I think that somehow man's interpretation of what God expects of us, got really messed up. So I keep a direct channel to God and skip over man as a go between.
I hope I made myself clear. I also hope that this helps. I know it is a lot. But I do understand how you feel. BY they way, I am one person who does NOT want to change places with a 15 year old. I remember how awful it was and how I doubted myself all the time, just like you are. With age comes confidence.I love being an adult and having responsibility and the ability to make my own choices in life. You are going to love it too. So hang in there. WRite again if you like.
Thanks for asking me a question
Michele
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I'm going to visit my friend heather soon, and i'm over weight. I've talked to her about this before, but i don't know if she remembers. I REALLY like her and from what i know she likes me too. but we live 30 minuets apart. and i'm soo afraid that when she sees me, she won't like me the same way anymore. i've asked her "What if i'm not what you expect?" she told me that It dosen't matter to her. but im so self concious about me and my weight/size i can't help but think the way i am. I want to talk to her about it but when i talk or even think about it i get real emotional.. and sometimes i cry. I just really want to know if it matters or not to her. Can you please help me Michele.
-Nab- (link)
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Dear Nab,
Please, let me try and ease your mind. I am a normal sized woman, a size 8, most people would consider that small, and some women would be very pleased to be a size 8. Now me personally, I LOVE large men. I really do. And I suspect that it is for a few reasons. 1. They certainly seem to be more sincere. 2. They are certainly more earnest. (work harder to win my affection, and to please me). 3. I suspect that I knew I would have him all to myself, as there would be less chance of some young hot beautiful girl steeling him from me. Believe me, the way things are today.....I have dated drop dead looking guys and girls try to steel them from you right on the spot. 4. Hot looking guys have big egos, they are conceded, but have not substance, no personality, and usually they are not sincere.
My guess would be, since you already told her that you are overweight. And she still wants to see you, then she must be OK with it. I would say then, that it does not matter to her.
Mostly it will be your words that will win her over. Treat her with respect. Treat her with honor. Something todays young boys don't know how to do. Of course, lets hope she acts honorably.
I remeber meeting a guy that I was not too impressed with, most likely it was the situation, as I usually don't go out with guys that I meet at a bar, and he was overweight, but he was insistant on persuing me. Again I was not interested, then one day he called me and said
"would you do me the honor of having dinner with me?" I was floored. "the honor" ?!?!?!? No man had ever said that to me before. I felt that he meant it, and I did end up going out with him. And we did have a long term relationship. So I say it is your words that will capture her heart. Most women are not so shallow that they judge a man by his looks. I think you will do just fine. You sound very sincere. Once you get to know each other, you can ask her for advice, or to help you loose weight and stick to a diet, a suggestion like that will let her know that you are willing to do what it takes to please her.
I wish you luck and hope the meeting goes well. Sure I know your anxious, and there is no way around it, but I think things will turn out alright. Just be sure that you don't "constantly" bug her about "do you like me or not" "You must think I am fat". YOu must think I am ugly" "what could you possibly see in me" Because you will always be looking for positive affirmation from her. Give yourself the positive affirmations. Don't expect them from her all the time. Judge her feelings for you by how she treats you, because she may find it hard to give compliments.
I hope this helps. good luck to you. Thanks for writing.
Michele
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AHHH I start high school tomorrow and I haven't been to public school since fourth grade. i'm really nervous :-/. 1stly, because i don't know ANYONE, and i'm afraid i'm not gonna make any friends. 2ndly, i'm gonna be terrible with finding classes, and with all the different teachers! so... HELP? thanks! i'll rate ya 5's:-)
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Absolutely everyone felt the same way on their first day of high school. I was sure I would get lost. I knew I would get lost, I knew people would laugh at me. I was sure I wouldn't make friends, and that I would make a fool of myself.
Look around you. EVERY SINGLE ADULT that you know, that you see, felt the same way on that day. Watch TV, every single person you see on TV, movie stars, TV stars, even American Idols, news anchors, people in commercials. Every single one of them felt that way on their first day of school. When you get to school, all the freshmen will be feeling the say way. Sure some of them may know each other, and have friends going in, but they are still scared they'll get lost, and make fools of themselves. I guess the point is, that we all survived and there is no other way to get through it then to do it. I guarantee in 30 days, you'll know your way around, and you'll have some friends. And in thirty years or so, you can tell your daughter that while she may be scared about staring high school, she too will survive. Good luck to you.
Michele
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I'm Indian from the country of India.
I think I'm going to talk to my mom tonight about my hair, but I'm worried because when I was younger I used to have one-on-one conversations with my mom about my hair, and it put her on defensive guard immediately. Since I was younger I wasn't really tactful- I spent most of my time yelling, crying, and being loud. Now if I try and bring up hair I get "We've talked about this before. The answer is no." and she'll refuse to say anything more.
I really hope this talk works.
Thank you very much for the excellent advice. (link)
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I hope so too. You are older now, so she should be ready to start treating you like a young lady who is capable of making up her own mind about a simple think like the length of your. Remind her that "afer all, I always come to you for advice about the big things."
Good luck!!!
Michele
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My hair is around two feet long, and it really is a pain to style in the morning because I want to do something nice with it, but it always ends up looking puffy and large from the amount of hair or back in a braid like it always is.
I would really like to cut my hair shorter to make it easier to manage, but I think that my mom is emotionally attached to my hair or something, because she refuses outright to let me get it cut. I do a type of classical Indian dance in which the hair is worn long, but everyone in my class braids false hair in and everyone keeps their hair short. Even my dance teacher when she performs uses false hair and keeps hers short. My mom uses dance as an excuse to keep my hair long, but I think I can braid false hair in just fine and my hair is just getting on my nerves. I really am getting close to go to the mall myself and just get it cut. I hate it long so much, but she is just not letting me get it cut! How can I get her to let me cut my hair? (link)
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Well, you do have a dilemma, and I think you are right, your mom is emotionally attached to your hair. Well, let me start with this. I am in the beauty field, and I can say that ALL HAIR needs a healthy cut now and then. A straigt blunt cut, can give your hair some bounce and make it look more healthy. YOu can easily take 6 inches off, and you will still look great. What if you went for a trim (is that OK) and the girl "made a mistake" and took 6 inches off. Would that work. After she gets over the 6 inches shorter, maybe she will then be ready for something more drastic. I don't know, this sounds too easy you have probably already thought of it. Why do you think your mom is attached to your hair? Does she have hair trouble, and wish that hers was like yours? (you don't really have to answer, I am just thinking as I a typing.) You didn't say if you were Indian, American or East Indian. Both cultures value long hair on their women, so I am sure that your culture has a lot to do with it. When is dance season? Does it have a season that comes and goes, and when it is over, can you cut it for a while? Most likely it will grow back before the season starts again, of course I mean you should tell her that, and then keep it short and use the hair extensions.
The more I think about it, the more I believe that you should confront the issue with your mom, after all, what else is she going to be forbiding you to do in the near future. You sound like a sensible young lady. Don't put heron the defensive but find a quiet time to sit down and talk.
Ask your mom why she values long hair. Tell her that you do too, but you also value, intelligence, compassion, character....."you know mom, what is important on the inside." And a person should not be "valued" just for their hair. "Mom, do you think a person should be valued for their hair?" I can't imagine that she would answer YES to that. Now you have her in a quandry. She has to agree that hair should not be the most important thing. And that you have all these plans for your life...future in sports, or studies, or etc, etc. And even say that you love dance, but it is not going to rule your life, it is just a nice addition,that helps to complete you. And you don't need long hair to feel complete. But you do need your mom to accept you and trust you....to complete you. "MOm, I do need you to support me in order to feel complete."
How does that sound? AND Maybe by letting her feel that SHE IS HOLDING YOU BACK from reaching your full potentional because YOU want your hair short, and it will fit in better with your life style, and give you more time for studies, and sports and dancing and family and school, and all the other things that make you a complete person.
if you think you have her then, where you want her...if she is close to agreeing, then stop there. If she is still on the fence try this.
"You know what mom, I am scared too about cutting my hair. But I need to know that I can make these decisions for myself. And I need your support. "What if I HATE IT SHORT! mom." And if your mad at me on top if it, that would just be awful!"......"and it will just make me doubt myself and all my decisions in the future. I need your support to take this scary step, because I am going to be taking a lot of scary steps in life, and only with your support will I have the courage to do so."
WOW, I think I outdid myself there. Well I hope you think this advice is good, or at least are willing to try it. I do hope that you get your wish and are able to cut your hair. I know if I were your mom in this case, I would have a hard time arguing your logical approach to the matter.
I think it is good that you don't want to just storm off and cut it and want to show your mom some respect, by convincing her that it is your decision alone.
Good luck to you
Michele
thanks for asking a question!
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I have a best friend who is extremely self concious and a little bit paranoid sometimes, and it's hurting our friendship because of that. Sometimes if I go and sit with some other friends I have, she will come over and say, "I'm sorry- what did I do?" My other friends don't understand that she isn't weird, but is a really nice person when she lets herself out in the open, but she often doesn't because she thinks she is not pretty and that everyone ignores her. I want to stay friends, but at the same time I'm getting tired of the constant pep talks and "you know you are pretty" talks with her, because I feel like no matter how much I console her she needs more consolation about herself.
What can I do to help her be more open and less paranoid and possessive of me? (link)
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Your question touched me. I know exactly what your friend is going through. I was that way in High school. I never felt that I fit in, I always thought that I was ugly, I clinged to the few friends I had. THey would invite me to join them in a group thing, but they had to ask me 5 or 6 times. I NEEDED to be convinced that my company was wanted. But even when I did join in, I just sat there like a lump and didn't say a dwork and was totally uncomfortable. WHy did I feel this way? I'll tell you and I believe that this is the same problem your friend has. My mother always told me I was ugly. My mother always found fault with me. I could never do anything right. She would yell before she would speak. She treated all of us that way. Even my father, who never came to my defense. It was not until I got into therapy. The "right" kind of therapy at the old age of 38, that I finally got to see the damage that my mother had done to me and I was able to heal. It took some time, but I finally found my voice (and now I never shut up lol) and found myself and learned to love myself. Sure I was a nice person, just like your friend. And I found out, many years later, that while I thought I was ugly, and I felt ugly, many of my classmates even the guys, thought I was "hot". I wondered why no boy ever talked to me. Then I realized, I never opend the door to allow any conversation. It was my fault, though I was powerless to change it at that time.
You may know your friend well enough to know what her situation is like at home. You may know that things are not OK there. And sure you have a lot of friends who probably have the problems at home too. And so why should her problems affect her this way. Well we are all different. Some of us are more sensitive than others. We take critisism to heart and soul. ANd many of us never tell what REALLY goes on at home. I think one way or another your friend has been violated. Her trust in the people who are most important to her in her life growing up, was violated by them.
You cannot fix this. It cannot be fixed by a friend. I can be fixed by her, but she has learn that her parents,( or guardians) are wrong in treating her this way. And she has to understand and own the belief that she did nothing wrong, then she has to work hard to overcome it.
Can you help? Well I don't know if you have it in you. It is not your problem, and no one would blame you. Is there an adult in your life or hers that could help. She needs to hear good things, compliments and she needs to feel that she is special (AND WE ALL ARE IN ONE WAY OR ANOTHER) in some way. That she matters. You could start by paying her compliments, just out of the blue. She may not have ever heard a compliment. Just say something like, wow those jeans look nice on you. Thanks for your help, I could not have gotten that paper, or chore or work done without you. Confide in her by saying something like, "I value your opinion, what do you think about this...." Be patient. She may at first think you are nuts for asking her for help or for her opinion. But in time, and it won't take too long. She will come to feel better about herself. If you and her are close with your mom, get her to help. Try not to sound phony. Also here is one other suggestion. A book was recommended to me when I was 38 years old, and it saved my life. It was er...is called
TOXIC PARENTS. If you can get a copy. Please buy it for her. It has come out in paper back, and it has been out for a long time. so it will be cheap; You can get a copy on Amazon. or half.com used and cheap.
I used the advice I gave you to raise my sons. They are both wonderful boys. Lots of confidence and doing well. They are teenagers, love music, oldest in college and has his own radio show on campus. Youngest is the social director in High school Both are happy and we are close. SO I know that critisism doesn't work and praise does. Parents who only criticize and can't compliment were probably raised that way themselves, but I think that is an excuse. Because I broke the cycle by working to change. I did NOT want to raise my kids the way I was raised. I did not want them to feel the way your friend does. EVER!
I think it is noble of you to ask after your friend and to be concerned about her. I know that she is trying your patience. And you may not even be able to help. There is no simple answer. Let me say this about myself.
When I was suffering with low self esteem, and faced the world, the wall that I needed to climb over seemed 15 feet tall. Now that I have over come it, I look back on it, and it is no higher than a common street curb. You could never have convinced me of that when I was the age that your friend is now. The first step is always the hardest. IF what I write rings true to you, about your friend....maybe you should let her read this letter. It may just open up the door for her to heal.
GOod luck to you and God bless you for your kindness to your friend
Michele
Michele
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Ok, I have this problem, I am WAY TOO NICE to my family. I give them advice, (after all, I do have an advice coulumn here)I'm supportive of them, and all they do is take advantage of me, then they ditch me. For example, my cousin has a weight issue, and I help her, and even doctors say my advice was good. She agrees, at the doctors office. She totally ignores me outside of it. When I bring it up she's always like "I have better things to do then talk to you" and on the phone I constantly have to call her name because she doesn't listen to me, and that's just 1 example. They ridicule me one minute, ditch me another minute, then ask me for advice like they are my best friend. What do I do? I turned to masturbation and porno as a getaway- masturbating while watching porno, but more masturbation then porno. Worst thing is that I'm a strong Christian, and their semi athiest ways are rubbing off on me.Help me! And don't tell me to talk to them and stuff, because I've done this in a civilized manner 1000 times, and everyone in my family is stubborn because they think I'm lying all the time because I'm the youngest,and I should suck it up and forget what they say. Help me plz, srry that its so long though. (link)
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One thing that you will learn, and the sooner the better, is that you can't save people from themselves. I know exactly how you feel. I see friends and family running head first into trouble and I cant stop them. They don't ask me for help because they ALREADY KNOW that I will say.
Thankfully, one day you will be old enough to leave home. Just don't hook up with friends and/or a boyfriend like members of your family. Find someone who is smart and practical like yourself, or you will be destined to be miserable.
GOod luck, please keep giving advice. It does help.
Michele
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