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Self Conciousness
I have a best friend who is extremely self concious and a little bit paranoid sometimes, and it's hurting our friendship because of that. Sometimes if I go and sit with some other friends I have, she will come over and say, "I'm sorry- what did I do?" My other friends don't understand that she isn't weird, but is a really nice person when she lets herself out in the open, but she often doesn't because she thinks she is not pretty and that everyone ignores her. I want to stay friends, but at the same time I'm getting tired of the constant pep talks and "you know you are pretty" talks with her, because I feel like no matter how much I console her she needs more consolation about herself.
What can I do to help her be more open and less paranoid and possessive of me?
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Your question touched me. I know exactly what your friend is going through. I was that way in High school. I never felt that I fit in, I always thought that I was ugly, I clinged to the few friends I had. THey would invite me to join them in a group thing, but they had to ask me 5 or 6 times. I NEEDED to be convinced that my company was wanted. But even when I did join in, I just sat there like a lump and didn't say a dwork and was totally uncomfortable. WHy did I feel this way? I'll tell you and I believe that this is the same problem your friend has. My mother always told me I was ugly. My mother always found fault with me. I could never do anything right. She would yell before she would speak. She treated all of us that way. Even my father, who never came to my defense. It was not until I got into therapy. The "right" kind of therapy at the old age of 38, that I finally got to see the damage that my mother had done to me and I was able to heal. It took some time, but I finally found my voice (and now I never shut up lol) and found myself and learned to love myself. Sure I was a nice person, just like your friend. And I found out, many years later, that while I thought I was ugly, and I felt ugly, many of my classmates even the guys, thought I was "hot". I wondered why no boy ever talked to me. Then I realized, I never opend the door to allow any conversation. It was my fault, though I was powerless to change it at that time.
You may know your friend well enough to know what her situation is like at home. You may know that things are not OK there. And sure you have a lot of friends who probably have the problems at home too. And so why should her problems affect her this way. Well we are all different. Some of us are more sensitive than others. We take critisism to heart and soul. ANd many of us never tell what REALLY goes on at home. I think one way or another your friend has been violated. Her trust in the people who are most important to her in her life growing up, was violated by them.
You cannot fix this. It cannot be fixed by a friend. I can be fixed by her, but she has learn that her parents,( or guardians) are wrong in treating her this way. And she has to understand and own the belief that she did nothing wrong, then she has to work hard to overcome it.
Can you help? Well I don't know if you have it in you. It is not your problem, and no one would blame you. Is there an adult in your life or hers that could help. She needs to hear good things, compliments and she needs to feel that she is special (AND WE ALL ARE IN ONE WAY OR ANOTHER) in some way. That she matters. You could start by paying her compliments, just out of the blue. She may not have ever heard a compliment. Just say something like, wow those jeans look nice on you. Thanks for your help, I could not have gotten that paper, or chore or work done without you. Confide in her by saying something like, "I value your opinion, what do you think about this...." Be patient. She may at first think you are nuts for asking her for help or for her opinion. But in time, and it won't take too long. She will come to feel better about herself. If you and her are close with your mom, get her to help. Try not to sound phony. Also here is one other suggestion. A book was recommended to me when I was 38 years old, and it saved my life. It was er...is called
TOXIC PARENTS. If you can get a copy. Please buy it for her. It has come out in paper back, and it has been out for a long time. so it will be cheap; You can get a copy on Amazon. or half.com used and cheap.
I used the advice I gave you to raise my sons. They are both wonderful boys. Lots of confidence and doing well. They are teenagers, love music, oldest in college and has his own radio show on campus. Youngest is the social director in High school Both are happy and we are close. SO I know that critisism doesn't work and praise does. Parents who only criticize and can't compliment were probably raised that way themselves, but I think that is an excuse. Because I broke the cycle by working to change. I did NOT want to raise my kids the way I was raised. I did not want them to feel the way your friend does. EVER!
I think it is noble of you to ask after your friend and to be concerned about her. I know that she is trying your patience. And you may not even be able to help. There is no simple answer. Let me say this about myself.
When I was suffering with low self esteem, and faced the world, the wall that I needed to climb over seemed 15 feet tall. Now that I have over come it, I look back on it, and it is no higher than a common street curb. You could never have convinced me of that when I was the age that your friend is now. The first step is always the hardest. IF what I write rings true to you, about your friend....maybe you should let her read this letter. It may just open up the door for her to heal.
GOod luck to you and God bless you for your kindness to your friend
Michele
Michele
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