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Hello. I'm asking you this question because you're an experienced adult. I'm having a family crisis and have no one to turn to.
I suspect my dad has bipolar disorder. Being around him, when he's going through his manic stages, is like being in a cult. He will tell people crazy things, apparantly from God. He told three different people that their child is not there's. He even told my brother that his uncle was his real father, yet my uncle denies it. My dad said he would not believe a paternity test. He tells me he knows the truth about all things and that one day he'll tell me. It's very scary sometimes.
I know he does drugs, because people have seen him do it. He will take speed while reading the bible, and go days without sleeping or eating. He smokes pot a lot because I can smell it. He's doing these drugs right in front of my mother, who has MS and is an involent. She can't speak or eat or move or even keep eye contact. My dad constantly takes care of her because he refuses to put her in a nursing home or let anyone else watch her. I think this is one of the reasons he's getting worse and worse. He's lost pretty much all contact with the outside world.
He will be fine one minute, then the next be completely irrational and snap at me and my 14 year old brother. My brother is becoming depressed because of how my dad treats him. He does not want to go to school or hang out with friends. All he wants to do is sleep or get out of the house. My dad sucked my brother into believing that if they prayed hard enough, it would cure my mother. I can only imagine how this made my brother feel when nothing happened.
I am worried about my dad, but I am also worried about my confused, messed up brother. My family constantly bad-mouths my dad, who bad-mouths them back. My brother feels like he has no one to turn to, and he doesn't know who to believe. I can tell my brother has been heavily brain-washed by my dad because when I try to talk some sense into him, he just spews out something my dad has said to him.
My dad thinks he's right about everything, and will not listen to anyone who tries to help him. Once he asked my cousin if the family is going to let him be crazy, so I think sometimes he does know that he has a problem. But he won't let anyone help him! I also think my brother needs to be moved to a better environment, but he isn't as strong as me as says he wouldn't leave dad.
I am 19 years old and searching for a full time job so I can get my own apartment. One of the reasons I did not go to college was because I didn't want to leave my brother with my dad. I don't know what I can do for my brother since he does not want to move, and I'm too afraid that if I take legal action or speak up, my mom will be moved to a nursing home. My dad treats mom so well, it's just himself and everyone else that he needs to work on! I know how bad nursing homes are because my mother was in one for a few years and some of her things got stolen and she would get sick a lot because they didn't understand how to take care of her like my dad does.
I'm so torn and confused, I feel like there's no answer that wouldn't leave us in shambles, but if you have any advice, I would appreciate it!
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Maybe give some free advice about: Mental health?
Hello Dear, I am sorry that you did not leave your name. I will try to help,but you really are in a tough spot. But you are 19, so the world says you are an adult, and I am glad that you are strong. You sound strong and that is what will be needed. Maybe you can get some help from an agency that can come in and spend time with your mom, an hour or so a day. Just to make sure that she is being taken care of. I know you said you dad does a good job, and that is hopeful, but your mom is in no condition to tell you if he is or not. I know some nursing homes are bad, but not all, and well if the family visits often, they usually pay more attention. As far as a visiting nurse, it think that would give you some peace of mind, and they do a much better job, and you have to be adamant with your dad, saying that it is for him also, he needs a break. And give him a reason to leave the house at that time so that he doesn't harass the visiting nurse. I hope you can look into that. Look up VNA"s in the phone book. The will bill the state if your parents are on assistance, or the Federal govenment if your mom is on SSI.
As far as your brother. maybe if you did get that apartment, and had him visit,and then visit again and then visit some more, maybe he will decide that your home is more peaceful, and then he will come to live with you. It may take some time to work on him. Remember your dad has had 14 years to work on him, at a time when your brother is very impressionable. So it will take time for you to work on him to get him healty again. You will have to work gently. Instead of saying "you can't" start sentences with "Why not"
Like "why not stay here for the weekend" instead of "you can't go home, dad is not in his righ mind".
Your father's problems are going to get worse. He needs professional help. But he is not going to seek it out himself. It may take a tragedy to happen, that gets the authorities involved, before he is forced to get some help. And the visiting nurse will notice and may have to take action, but it may not be the worse thing that can happen. CAn your mom communicate with you? Does she tell you that she wants things to stay the way they are? Or is she scared too? If your dad were removed, could you take care of her and your brother?
Listen dear, you don't have to fix everything. And you can't. Not all problems were meant to be solved. Really, it is enough that you want to, and I believe that you have done your best, but some things are just not fixable. Not by one person alone. And sometimes the things we want most, cannot be. Like you dad wanting to continue to take care of your mom and you kids. It is not his fault if he is having difficulty staying lucid. It is not your fault. It is just a fact. But things can get so much worse, and everyone will wonder" why didn't anyone do anything? "WHy didn't she ask for help?" And it doesn't matter that you are 19, this could be happening at 29 or 39. There is no convenient time for a problem like this. It is the scariest thing that a young person has to do. Deal with a parent that is not in their right mind. Or very ill, and you have both. You need to find some help with this problem, and no there are not guarantees that the family will remain together, but you must be pragmatic. I am sorry that I don't have good news. I hope that you found some information in here that you can use. You have a long life ahead of you, I hope thatyou do get to college. I am 52 and back in college myself. So you can go at any time. You are smart and deserve to go. You have to step up to the plate and be ready for some members of your family to be mad at you, but in the long run it may turn out OK. There are agencies out there than can give you advice. In Conn. we have a INFO HOT LINE called 211. that gives advice to people about issues like this. I know they have social services agencies in your state. Look in the blue pages of the phone book. Please find some help. You don't have to solve this problem by yourself. There is no solution that will make everyone happy. But health and safety come first.
Sorry for your troubles. You are a very strong person.
Michele
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