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Nice girl
Ok, I have this problem, I am WAY TOO NICE to my family. I give them advice, (after all, I do have an advice coulumn here)I'm supportive of them, and all they do is take advantage of me, then they ditch me. For example, my cousin has a weight issue, and I help her, and even doctors say my advice was good. She agrees, at the doctors office. She totally ignores me outside of it. When I bring it up she's always like "I have better things to do then talk to you" and on the phone I constantly have to call her name because she doesn't listen to me, and that's just 1 example. They ridicule me one minute, ditch me another minute, then ask me for advice like they are my best friend. What do I do? I turned to masturbation and porno as a getaway- masturbating while watching porno, but more masturbation then porno. Worst thing is that I'm a strong Christian, and their semi athiest ways are rubbing off on me.Help me! And don't tell me to talk to them and stuff, because I've done this in a civilized manner 1000 times, and everyone in my family is stubborn because they think I'm lying all the time because I'm the youngest,and I should suck it up and forget what they say. Help me plz, srry that its so long though.
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Want to answer more questions in the Relationships category?
Maybe give some free advice about: Families?
its natural to masturbate. I know how you feel because i got hooked on porno and masturbation!! You could try not giving them advice for awhile and next time they ask you, you could say that if they want your advice they ahve to take it seriously.
hope that helps
allie
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Since you are a Christian, let me put it this way:
Turn the other cheek.
If you are helping them because you want gratitude, then stop. If you are doing it to help them, then continue, and pray that they shape up.
Pray about it! It may help a lot.
If you really feel upset, then try not giving them advice for a while. They may finally appreciate you.
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anonymous -
First off, make sure that you aren't being nice ONLY to receive acknowledgement, gratitude, or vice versa. You should be doing it because you sincerely want to help.
And if you don't like the way your family treats you about it, simply don't help them. When they ask you for favors, just remind them of how bad they treated you and ask them to give you a good reason why you should offer to help.
Although you don't think it's useful in communicating with your family, don't let past failures misguide you. Prove it to them so that they can have a reason to trust you, and tell them that this situation is very important to you and you want to talk to them about it. During the discussion, lay out the facts excluding any exaggerations, pointing fingers, jumping to conclusions, etc.
Good luck.
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Next time they come to you for advice, ask them why they ask if they're not going to listen to it. Hold strong to your beliefs and don't let anyone change you.
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Question for you: When you offer your family advice and support, deep down... are you doing so in hopes of receiving a little bit of acknowledgement and gratitude? Perhaps a few kind words and a thank you? Maybe it'd be nice for them to support and treat you the same once once in awhile,huh? Perhaps just a little respect? If so, that would be completely understandable. It's very typical for people that truly want to help and support others to have an underlying need to get a little something back from that. (I'm sure that happens here on this website too. It feels good to receive nice feedback) Only a truly selfless person is able to offer themselves 100% with no expectation of acknowledgment or thanks or anything, and continue to keep giving with nothing in return. (You say you're a strong Christian - think of Jesus as an example of that). Well, you're human (you are, right? you didn't say anything about being from another planet). Anyway... you're human and it's natural to be upset about the responses you're getting. I'd recommend some dog training for your family. (You just went 'what???', didn't you?). Here's what I mean: Dogs respond favorably when they are rewarded for good behavior, while you discourage (but not punished) for bad behavior. People aren't all that different. If you "reward" them for good behavior, they'll eventually "learn" that this is the type of interaction you need from them. Next time they do or say something nice, tell them so. Say... "Hey, thanks. You know, that was really nice and I appreciate it. You're really nice when you're not being a butthead <g>". It'll make them feel good about what they did, and teach them this is good interaction. If they do something bad, don't give them any more feedback than a look of disappointment and walk away. But don't hold a grudge. When you've calmed down, just try to let it go and start again. Help them understand without actually trying to talk to them about it. You can tell a dog to roll over a thousand times and he'll just look at you like "woof?". Only when you start popping a milk bone in his mouth when he does do it, will he really begin to understand. Encourage the good interaction and disconnect yourself from the bad. One thing about advice, too - Offer only when asked, and don't overdo. Never give people more advice and support than they can handle, or it might be seen as "telling them what to do". Whether they take your advice or not is really up to them. Just be happy for offering it. Don't worry about the masturbation and porno - it sounds like a necessary escape for you, and you aren't harming yourself or others and God won't send you to hell for it. It's a much better escape than turning to drugs, alcohol, smoking, etc etc. One important thing - you have to make sure you take care of yourself before you can give of yourself to others. That might sound selfish, but it's really not. If you don't have the strength to keep yourself up, how can you hold another person up? Make sense? Good.. I'll shut up now. Good luck and take care!
G.
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One thing that you will learn, and the sooner the better, is that you can't save people from themselves. I know exactly how you feel. I see friends and family running head first into trouble and I cant stop them. They don't ask me for help because they ALREADY KNOW that I will say.
Thankfully, one day you will be old enough to leave home. Just don't hook up with friends and/or a boyfriend like members of your family. Find someone who is smart and practical like yourself, or you will be destined to be miserable.
GOod luck, please keep giving advice. It does help.
Michele
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Have you ever thought of other ways to getaway from this? I mean there are positive ways other than masturbation for this kind of thing. Express yourself in different ways, run, draw, listen to music. There is so much you can do to release these feelings. As for your family, if they are ungrateful then you shouldn't keep letting them use you like that. Refrain from giving advice unless you are directly asked. Good luck. Giv'em hell kid.
-Sarah-
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You must talk to her if the problem bugs you that much. She might be trying to do some things without your help, cuz maybe she wants to accomplish things on her own. Don't take that personally though.
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If you have a column here you should know that a lot of people don't care much for the advice we give. They all just want to hear the answer they want and not what might be the better answer. Sounds like you have the same thing happening within your family. If the ask give them your opinion. If they don't...don't even bother. If they don't take it...oh well, you did your part. :)
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omg... i wanna loose 10 pounds by semptember 1... how??????? no like running and stuff... help
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Dontgive them anymore advice and dont rele talk to them
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