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Razhie. Advicenators Member Since: June 13, 2005. Answers: 5077. Visitors: 211514.
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The Question
The guy I'm talking to and I have been quite rocky the past few months. Now I'm not entirely sure whether or not I should continue to hold on...
A few weeks ago, he mentioned to me that he was going to another state for a "job". Now, let me just mention this other state is quite far away from where I live and the idea of a long distance relationship isn't quite pleasing.
The thing is, he's 24, and he doesn't quite have his life figured out, I mean who does at that age but, he doesn't know what he wants to do, in all honesty. He could have already been established or in school to become something more than what he is today, but he did not take those opportunities at the time. Now, he realizes the importance and wants to do good for himself, which I commend. The problem I see is that, anytime he's presented with a job, he immerses himself into it, only to quit a little bit afterwards. He runs from opportunity to opportunity, never really fulfilling anything to it's max.
He wanted to become a dental hygienist, and he has a lot of experience being a dental assistant. Now, I thought the plan was to go back to school to pursue the degree in hygienist. Next thing I knew, he took a job at AT&T. It didn't last long, and then I heard he applied elsewhere. I finally realized that he did start his education again but only to discover that he was presented with a chance to go to NY to get a job. And now he tells me that he has an opportunity to become a dentist, go to dental school and get it all paid for, if he stays in NY.
My concern is this, he told me he went to the other state to "clear his mind". He just dropped everything and went. He already got back into his dental hygienist program but the next thing I hear, is that he's spending a month in another state. How can you just drop that and leave??
The few times I've spoken to him, he seems to be doing well and has gotten himself a job, but nothing relating to his line of work. Yet somehow, he was offered a full-pay dental school? How does that make sense? Maybe I'm missing out some details. But, who goes to another state for a month and only works for a month? I understand the idea of clearing one's mind, but how can you afford to that when you've just started to make an attempt back at a future?
I know his head gets filled with all these ideas and he jumps on them like his life depends on it but I feel like he doesn't really take the time out to understand what it means. And then my issue with this is, because he's so unstable about his future, and I'm pretty confident in mine, should I continue to have hope that one day, we will both see life walking down the same path together? Because right now, if he chooses to stay in that other state, I don't see how its going to work out. It's not fair to me and we haven't been together long enough in my opinion to make it work out if it happened.
I really do like him, but I know I would want to have my life figured out enough to know whether or not I plan on living around the person for the next few years. But because of his instability, maybe I'm just headed for disaster. The only thing that really keeps me going is knowing how I feel for him and I really want to see him happy. But I need to know I can be happy too. I've done a lot for him and I kind of want to just tell him but I'm afraid I'm being selfish at the same time. I know I deserve to be happy but the thought of losing him just kills me inside. What should I do? I'm sorry if I seem confusing. My mind is just everywhere.
The Answer
Let it go.
It's not that he 'doesn't have his life figured out'. It's that he can't commit to even the most basic things, like what state he'll be in next week. Lots of people don't have their life figured out at 24, or 34, but they are still people you can rely on to tell you what is going on. You can't rely on him. You don't trust what he is telling you about what is going on in his life (and you shouldn't, it sounds shady).
If you are just 'talking to him' then start talking to other people. If you don't owe him your fidelity, then don't give it to him, because even if he isn't talking to any other woman, he's not investing in you either. If this isn't really a relationship anyways, then just start to take some steps back and open yourself up to other friends and encounters. You can't put all your eggs in this basket - there is too much reason to believe he's a basket case.
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The Question
I've been in a relationship with a girl from overseas for almost two years. I'm a 26 y/o guy, and she's 24. She came with me here about a year and a half ago. I treat her well, romance her, buy her roses, bake her cakes, take her out when I have time, tell her that she's beautiful, help her look for work, and a lot with English.
Last year she started acting funny and talking about a guy, and I found out she cheated on me by looking at her phone, and reading her emails (Not saying this was right, just that I did it). I confronted her, but I never really felt she thought what she did was wrong. I promised not to look at her stuff again.
For the half year since then she's been using her phone a ton, and hiding it from me. Lately she has been getting calls and messages from the guy she cheated with on me again, so often that even though she doesn't want me to know, it's inevitable that I would see at some point. She gets pissed off over trivial things, she's stuck to her phone 24/7, we hardly ever have sex anymore, and sometimes I don't feel like she even wants to be here.
So I gave her time, and everything just felt kind of wrong. I broke my promise and checked up on her. She's still cheating on me, and things never really stopped. She tells me she's faithful, nothing has happened, and she loves me, but I know she's lying.
Recently she got offered her dream job in my country, and the contract process is happening fairly quickly. She's staying here on a Partner visa with me, and we live together. If I break up with her, she either has to leave within a month, or become illegal. Apart from that, it will obviously make my life more hellish for that month than it already is living with a person who you know is lying to you with a straight face, while making out with another guy. I know that she is planning to stay with me for the two years it will take for her to gain permanent residence, and then leave me for the guy she is cheating on me with.
In my country, you can only ever sponsor two people to be partners, and if your first partner is granted PR, the length your second one has to wait grows to 5 years, rather than just 2.
I don't know how to handle breaking up with her, and what to say to who, when. I don't want to be taken advantage of, or have my name smeared by this. Breaking up with her before she gets PR will pretty much destroy her whole life as she knows it. She quit her job to come here with me, which is kind of a black spot on her employment history in her home country. I feel angry and upset about what she has done to our relationship, but I'm still battling feelings of love for her, and I don't want to see her broken. I wish everything I know about what's happened could be a lie, but I know it's not, so I have to deal with it.
To complicate things, accepting the job involves costly medical and security checks for her, and may mean we consider moving. I'm at university, and I only just found this out, right before the exam period. I really don't want to think about this before exams, and I definitely don't want to break up with her just before my first exam, so I am putting it off, but I feel so guilty for "supporting" her through the process of getting checks and references for this job that I know will be difficult if not impossible for her to keep.
What would you do?
What should I tell her? The truth? Or that I've fallen out of love, but don't know why? Or that one of her friends told me the truth?
How do I deal with the stress of living together with this oblivious lying girl who tells me she loves me?
What should I do to handle the resistance that I'm likely to have to breaking up with her? She won't want to break up with me, because she wants PR.
Can you tell me some steps and the order in which I might do them?
Any other general advice about the situation that I haven't asked a specific question about is more than welcome.
Thanks in advance.
-Troubled
The Answer
Tell her, tell her now. Tell her before you call immigration. Tell her before your exams. Tell her before it's convenient or more comfortable for you. Tell her today.
If your true concern is for her as a fellow human being. If you really want to do the best thing you can for her. If you really want to behave with the most respect and kindness you can, then you need to tell her what is up.
If you know it's over, say so.
Every day you delay, is a day you are robbing her of the chance to make other plans, to cope, to find the resources and support she needs. Every day you stall, you are lying to her about her basic safety and life plans.
Every day you lie, you are betraying her trust.
Sure, she betrayed you first! She's awful, and dependant, and a user. That may all be perfectly true and maybe most people wont blame you for waiting, biding your time till it's more convenient and comfortable for you. But you asked for advice so here it is: The best, most respectful thing you can do is tell her, and tell her now.
Tell her the truth. Tell her that even if you are WRONG and she didn't actually cheat, it doesn't matter anymore because your trust and love is gone. Then tell immigration, very shortly after telling her. That will help her see it is real and serious, but tell her first. Deal with the human part of the equation first.
Tell her this isn't a negotiation. Tell her your mind is made up. Tell her you will be contacting immigration that day (or at worst the next) and there is nothing she can say to change that. Your relationship is over and so is your PR support for her. Understand you'll need to spend an evening or two listening to her resistance, by all means you can sympathize with how difficult this is, but don't alter your plans or change your position.
Find another place to be. Crash with friends. Borrow money from parents to stay in a cheap motel. Study at the library. Hang out at the mall. Make a bed for yourself on the couch. Whatever. Deal with the stress by avoiding it as much as possible, but deal with it by telling her the truth.
I get that this is epically difficult and horrible. The timing is terrible. It's all sorts of trouble for you. But it's also all sorts of trouble for her. So be honest, and let her handle her part of the trouble. Right now you are protecting yourself rather than being honest, and I get that, I really do, however I've always believed that the only time any dishonesty or withholding is acceptable is when there is a fear of violence. If you know she isn't going to try and beat you up, then you owe it to her to tell her what you've decided. Maybe I wouldn't be able to do any better, or follow my own advice if I were in your shoes. But I hope I would, and I hope you do.
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The Question
Female, 18
I am from Puerto Rico. My economic status is slowly descending more and more into being from average to poor. My dad owns a restaurant that is driving us all nuts; being the owner and only the five of us helping out is not as easy as it sounds (mom, dad, me and my younger siblings). Plus, my family in general isn't all that helpful. I am about to go to college and now both my brother and sister are going to be in a private school - meaning its a lot of money that gets pulled out of us. I may not get economic assistance so I will probably need to make a loan. Not pretty. My sister's fifteenth birthday is next year and with all the money we will need now... well we may not be able to do what she wants to do - a trip to California.
I, being the oldest of my siblings, feel thag its my responsability to help out with the money. My passions however are all in art - writing, drawing, painting, dancing, singing and secretly acting. I would need to put aside my desires to provide my family. I am going in by Geology, but don't know if the job probabilities in the future are high nor if the salary would be enough for them. I am really lost here, this is a lot of responsability that's been put onto my shoulders. Any advice as to what career I should uphold or what I should do in general?
The Answer
You should stop worrying about your sisters birthday, and start focusing on your education and your plans.
I appreciate your concern for others, but you are taking on too much. Taking out a loan for the first time to go to school is scary, but lots of people (most people really) do it, and it's okay. There is no reason to make yourself sick over it.
I understand you 'feel' it's your responsibility to help your younger siblings finically... but it's not. Your job is to be the big sister, someone they can turn to for advice and support. You aren't responsible for their school fees or big birthday gifts. Your siblings should not be financially dependant on you. That is your parents role.
In general, you need to take a deep breath and let your parents be the parents, and let you be the teenager. Your job right now is to take care of you, so that you can become a strong adult. Focus on your choices and your goals. This is the time to be a bit selfish and make sure you are on the path you need to be on.
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The Question
I just started a blog website and I know it takes time to actually get readers and what not but what are some ideas that I can get that can help my blog kind of get started? I have already written two entries and am off to a good start (I feel good about it) but I'm still wondering how to ensure that I can be somewhat successful within a year...
P.S. I know I have to promote myself but the thing is I am under a secret identity. It is embarrassing for me to find out that people I know are reading what I am actually like. Help?
The Answer
Post well thought-out comments on other people's blogs. People who have similar interests and styles, or cover similar topics. Write your own posts in response to things they post, if you have more to say than is appropriate in a comment. Find articles and other people's writings that are similar to yours or that excite you, and give them credit and thanks.
You need to be part of a conversation. Even if you don't want to give out your real identity, you can't exist in your own bubble. You have to be more than a just a person who posts sometimes. You have to be a person who reads, and responds to others.
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The Question
It's Father's day tomorrow (so advice needed quick!)
This Mother's Day my husband did something really nice for me so I feel obligated to return the favour.
However, yesterday he hit me in the face in front of our toddler and I'm not really feeling "into" it.
How should I celebrate?
1. Ignore Father's Day completely.
2. Give him the card and the one gift I've already gotten which is literally from the $ store.
3. Do something commensurate to what he did for me for Mother's Day.
The Answer
I'm going with 4. Talking to him about his anger problem and telling him he needs to address it.
I mean seriously, Fathers Day is not your issue! Domestic Violence is your issue. Tell him you need to come up with a plan together to address this, anger management therapy for him and/or marriage counselling for you both would be the best way to start.
Give him the fucking card and present, because 'punishing' him by ignoring Father's Day is a stupid ass move that simply distracts from the actual problem - the one where he hit you.
Get it together. Don't waste your time stressing about false little problems. Deal with the big problem head on. Tell him he needs to change this behaviour for the sake of your marriage and his relationship with his child.
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The Question
I feel they're both important, but my mom feels that medical research is more important and more in demand, though I'm trying to convince her that I wouldn't be committing career suicide by pursuing economic research, what I'm actually interested in. I'm currently a college student, majoring in economics and mathematics. Feel free to give your lengthy, true opinion, I'd really appreciate it. I support people wanting to do medical research, but the economy would not function if everybody was in the medical field! It's annoying when my mom tries to encourage me to switch fields when I've never once been interested in the medical field for me personally, and I don't want to choose a field I hate just for the money. A top economist could make as much as a top surgeon, anyways. And it's more than the money for me, as obviously I will take on debt for all the years of college I have ahead. It's a lifestyle choice I'm making. I just need a better way to prove to my mom that I'll be fine. Again, I'm still a student, not yet an economist, so obviously I still have a lot to learn on my own, and it's why I have trouble explaining the relevance of econ to my mom beyond general things.
The Answer
Oh just shut her down. Tell her you've heard her out, and she needs to stop this now. She is not an expert on how either of these fields work and she needs to back off.
You can't argue with her reasonably. She is not arguing because of reason. She is arguing because as a lay person, she 'gets' medical research and thinks its cool. The highest bills she ever pays are for medical treatment and drugs, so she thinks that is where the money is. It's an illusion of course. Going into medical research is not a sure money maker. It's highly dependant on politics and funding. She doesn't get economics, so she thinks it's meaningless. Stop trying to convince her otherwise, and tell her she simply isn't the expert on the fields, and that it's time for her to respect your choice.
You'll be more successful at what it interests you, full stop, so stop trying to prove to her that your choice is valid. Your choice IS valid, but the only proof she is going to accept is when you stop fighting her and just live your choice with the passion and skill you've got.
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The Question
Let's say I believe in many things, God, third eye (mines open, I can see spirits and see futures sometimes), empathic (I've been told I'm one),and witchcraft, etc.. I've never told anyone I can do these things, unless they told me They could do it too. But my teacher knows I believe in God and once she found out she started treating me extremely rudely. Why do atheists hate so much? And why do they care of others belief? And when anyone mentions religions, she attacks. She starts saying,“let's not be rude." “shhh." “Quiet. No talking of it." How do I deal with this stupid, closeminded bitch?
The Answer
If you feel your teacher is behaving inappropriately or rudely, that's something you should discuss with adults in your life. Your parents, or a school counsellor, or a principal or vice principal, could all be good resources.
However, you also have to remember two very important things.
First is that religion can be a very contentious issue. Your teachers approach to religious topics might have less to do with atheism and more to do with her attempts to control the class, keep them on topic and respectful of others. You may disagree with how she is going about that, but you should still take a deep breath and acknowledge that her heart may be in the right place even if you don't like how she is behaving. It's also possible that she is doing precisely what her supervisors at the school have asked her to do.
Secondly, you should take a look at your own behaviour, and make sure you aren't engaging in exactly the same behaviour you feel she is. If you are regularly interjecting your personal religious understanding and interpretation into class discussions, then you are trying to 'make it about your faith' just the way you are feeling she is 'making it about her atheism' . Show respect for the class and your fellow students by discussing religion when it's directly relevant, and offering your opinions while respecting others will not agree. Trying to steer conversations towards your own beliefs, or acting as though you have a correct answer to questions of faith, won't convince anyone. When it comes to religion, always listen more than you speak, and remember that stereotypes like "Atheist are angry" are not fair or respectful. There are lots of perfectly reasonable reasons your teacher may be discouraging you from behaving in this way in class. Your assumption that she is stupid or close-minded, rather than she is controlling the class in the way she has been told to, or in the way she if feels is right, tells me more about your strong feelings on these issues, then it tells me about her behaviour.
Even if your teacher is in the wrong, is not acceptable to ignore her instructions and continue conversations she has asked you to stop. If you are unhappy with her instructions, take that up with another adult and address it that way. Don't be belligerent or disruptive in class.
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The Question
I was out to eat with my husband a few weeks ago. The place was a restaurant bar. There was a good lookig guy at the bar that kept checking me out. After dinner we decided to hang out at the bar. My husband wanted to get into a game of pool with someone so I took a walk to the ladie's room. While washing my hands that good looking guy came in and stood behind me. He started to fondle my breasts and I just stood there and let him do it. I was wearing a sun dress and he reached under and pulled my panties down and I stepped out of them. He leaned me over towards the sink and started having sex with me. I did nothing to stop him and allowed it to happen. I was afraid someone would walk in on us. No one did and he made me orgasm. After he came inside me I turned around and kissed him. He asked if he could keep my panties and I said yes. I have been walking past this restaurant a few times since this all went down and I saw him inside a few of the times. I want to go in and do it again with this guy but seem to be afraid of being caught. Am I wrong for wanting this passion a 2nd. time?
The Answer
You were wrong the first time.
You have no idea who this person is. For all you know, he could be a convicted rapist who would have not stopped had you said no. For all you know, he sex with three other women before you. For all you know, he could have a sexually transmitted illness which you are now at risk for, and you are putting your husband at risk for.
I sympathize with your desire for exciting sex, but this is not anywhere close to any okay way to go about it. Not only is it betraying your husband, it's a huge risk to your safety.
Stay away. A man who would fuck a strange woman in a woman's bathroom, is a person whose character or judgement can't be relied on in any way. This is not a sexy 'bad boy' this a deeply dangerous human being who cannot be trusted.
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The Question
My brother is currently in jail. He left us with his dog. A 7 yr. old jack russell terrier. Recently, he bit someone and was taken in by animal control for days. My mom was given a fine, which she already paid for, and ordered to appear in court. Since then we have been tying him to the porch, but day he suck out while people were coming in and out of the house. I didn’t know the dog was outside until he came back to the house, starching at the door. Someone called animal control and they came. The man gave me a citation and order to appear in court. Does anyone know what might happen to me and my mother? Are we only going to fine or something else and do you know how much it might be? By the way we live in Georgia. I tried looking up dog laws and they are vague. I have spoken to the dog catcher but he won’t tell us anything either.
The Answer
It's really difficult to say.
Another fine is by far the most likely, but it's also possible that you'll be found unable to care properly for the dog, in which case it'll be sent to the human society, but based on what you've written here, I doubt it's risen to that point yet.
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The Question
How do you know if a person is serious about you ?
The Answer
You ask them, and if you can't believe what they tell you, that probably means you aren't serious about them.
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The Question
Me and my friend came up with a theory that Anna and Elsa's parents are alive they washed up on an island and gave birth to their brother tarzan, and Ariel found the ship wreck, and also they were going to Rupunzel and Flynn's (notice they were at Elsa's cornation) wedding because they are her aunt and Elsa and Anna are her cousins, so now their parents are somewhere. It's complicated but it makes sense. I've also thought up that kristoff and jack frost are brothers, and the sons of Santa clause, and we'll find him a Disney wife. Anyway, we wanna make a YouTube video showing that, but we don't know where to start. How do you take a character from one movie and put it in the same scene as another? And don't tell me not to do it,OK?
The Answer
Googling 'How to make a Disney Crossover Video" will show you a bunch of different ways people approach it. Really, it comes down to what software you've got access too and what you want to achieve.
You are actually talking about dozens if not hundreds of hours of work; Watching the movies, picking the scenes, searching for the scenes online and downloading them, editing them together (along with any text you need to explain yourselves). The higher the standards you set for yourself (ie, really making it seem like they are in the same scene or talking to eachother) the more work it becomes.
It's also worth remembering that what you are doing is copy right infringement. Now, Disney used to be very strict and insist these sorts of videos be taken down immediately. Recently, they have been much more permissive about fan-created content online, however, you need to understand that there is a chance that Disney will object, and your video will be removed from YouTube.
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The Question
I have always heard Africans were not interested and their culture did not allow/accept them dating/marrying African American people - any thoughts?
The Answer
There are 1.1 billion people living in Africa. There are over 50 different countries in Africa and people there speak over one thousand different languages...
It's virtually impossible to say "All Africans do X" unless the X you are talking about is 'live in Africa'.
Lots of cultures on this planet frown on people marrying 'outsiders' so it would make sense that some cultures in Africa would do also do so. Generally speaking, most Africans are offended by tourists of any skin colour who spout the idea Africa is 'their home' because 'all human beings are Africans'.
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The Question
As a 58 yr old, married female, I am embarrassed to say I put myself in a bad situation. Up to two yrs ago, I had a high paying job my entire working career and my independence. Chances of getting that back are slim to none. I have little to show for it now, with a small cash reserve, a modest IRA and 401k, but no income. Long story short, at my husband's insistence and his promise to provide, "I'll take care of everything, you don't have to worry, what's mine is yours" scenario, I quit my job and moved with him to a foreign county where he accepted an assignment where I cannot work. Meanwhile, he has benefited financially with my help and he controls all money, all decisions, keeps me completely in the dark about everything. I am on a need to know basis. If I say or do anything he does not like, I am threatened with divorce. He is not all bad and does not physically abuse me, but emotionally I feel ruined and my self esteem is low. Frankly, I am terrified of my future and I don't know what to do. I haven't mentioned that he is impatient, stubborn and doesn't listen to anyone most of the time. He makes promises he doesn't keep. After arguments or whenever he gets upset about something, he won't talk to me for days or weeks until I apologize for whatever it is and then he reprimands me further to "behave," and most (but not all) of the time he is at fault. I feel so lost, I can't make any decisions and don't know what to do. Any advice?
The Answer
If you are ready to leave him, it is probably best for you to find your way to back to your home country as quickly as possible.
You don't say where you've moved too, or how the laws of the place you are might effect your ability to leave him, but since you have a 401K I assume you are American, so you need to return to the states.
If he has power, in the country where you live, to stop you from traveling, then you could lie to him, but you could also contact the American Embassy or U.S. Consulate for assistance.
Of course, you should leave him. It's very nice to say that he doesn't hit you, but if that's the best thing that can be said, that's not good enough. His idea of 'taking care of everything' is actually just a kind of way of saying he thinks he owns you. He takes care of everything, because you are nothing to him. He doesn't care for you as a person, he cares for you as a piece of property. In that situation, the only thing you can do is get out, and get yourself to a place where the law recognizes you as a person, not as object he owns.
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The Question
How much do puppy shots cost?
The Answer
That depends hugely on where you live.
Cities are almost always more expensive than in the country, but lots of places have different rules about what shots are mandatory, and different environments mean sometime different shots are highly recommended. For example, my country dogs needs shots to protect them from illnesses carried in swamp water, that my city dog didn't really need, but my city dog needed some extra shots to protect him from other dogs - because he spends so much time in public parks.
The best think you can do is call up your vet, or your local animal rescue organization and ask which shots are mandatory, which are recommended, and how much the shots cost in your area.
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The Question
I made a fake Kik account (Fake name, fake picture, fake age) and went on this Kik website thing because I thought it would be funny to mess with people on it. Well there was this one guy that said "Take a picture of your body or I will punish you". I obviously didn't and I just blocked him. Well I changed my password and everything so now the account is pretty much deleted. Well, can that guy track me down? I didn't tell him any information or anything like that but I'm scared that he can. Please help.
The Answer
Well, if everything you described here is true, it's unlikely that he can identify you.
However, there are ways for creeps, criminals and predators to track you down on these supposedly anonymous services, and it does happen. They can search for you username, or even reverse look-up the image you use as a profile picture. I have a young friend whose identity was found out because she had used part of a photo that also appeared on her schools webpages as part of the sports teams section. They found out her name and where she went to school that way. If you use similar user names on other sites, they might also be able to track down your name or email address, and once they have one piece of identifying information they can often use that to find out more.
When someone does threaten you like this, you did the right thing.
Never respond.
Block or remove the person.
Then, you should also notify an adult and the police.
Most of these people make hollow threats. Since what they really want is to control others, refusing to reply, and not sending them any photos means they normally move on. If you have already sent them photos, some will threaten to post them publicly (or to make photoshoped photos with your face), but even still, most will not follow through, they will simply move on to the next possible victim who will send them the images they want.
But you also need to tell an adult, and get the police involved.
As much as it might suck for you to get in trouble, think of how more more it sucks for the hundreds of other young people who are victimized like this! By adding your information to law enforcement's understanding of these criminals, you can help them get caught and shut down for good. More and more of these predators are going to jail because more and more of their victims are getting wise, and getting help.
Always block and stop replying immediately, but to protect yourself and others, go to the police. If your local police are unhelpful, go to the FBI. Threats are always wrong. Blackmail is always wrong. Soliciting sexual photos from a minor is always wrong. These things are serious felony crimes and these criminals can only be caught if they are reported.
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The Question
21/f, 27/m
Just in case you may be wondering, if you believe in horoscopes. He's a Scorpio. I am a Pisces.
Please be patient. This may be long, I feel like you will need to know details to help me answer my question.
I have always wanted to be with a guy that may have more experience than me just because in my relationships, I have always been the one that has had the most experience (meaning, I was usually their first serious girlfriend). I realized that I cannot see what others may see from a third point of view. I am oblivious to things when I am in the situation or when things are not directly said towards me.
I have been talking/dating this guy for a month. The first time we dated/started talking, I thought I might have been a "booty call" because he was making dirty jokes here and there. Many people told me, if possible, don't get my feelings involved and "go with the flow." Personally, I don't think you can control your feelings. You can't help but like that person. So, instead I spoke to him about it. I told him that if I was a girl he was just trying to sleep with, then he should go elsewhere because he will not get it from me. He told me that he has not had a "booty call" for a long time and that he just wanted to test the waters and see if we would work out of not. Things got a lot better after we cleared things up, eventually we did have sex. He continued to see me afterward and we continued dating.
On one of our dates, I saw him on Tinder (an app where you can meet the opposite sex/whatever. If you both find each other attractive, you can message one another through the app), and I confronted him about it. He admitted to me that he gets on the app a few times a day. I started getting confused afterward. At one point, he stopped trying to have sex but we continued to see each other and went on dates, he was still a gentleman and that got me curious if he was seeing other people. I decided to confront him about it, again.
He told me that he still has a Tinder. He chats with people on it, but he doesn't date/see other people other than me. He asked me why I brought it up on the day I was to see him and I said it was because if he was to see other people, I wouldn't see him that day (the only reason being because I don't want to sleep with him/see him after another girl, etc). He told me he wouldn't mind being exclusive with me, if I wanted and that he wanted to continue to see me. Somehow this conversation started off with me being curious (wanting to make it fair, trying to see if it was exclusive or not) to me deciding whether or not if I wanted to be exclusive. He let me "sleep on it" to decide. I didn't know what I want. I WAS JUST CURIOUS!
He didn't bring it since then but today, he brought it back up and asked whether or not if I wanted to be exclusive. I asked him why all the sudden he wanted to ask, he said he was just curious. I told him there must be more of a reason for him to be asking me and this conversation pretty much went nowhere. I asked him what he wanted to then I could consider what he wants instead of not hearing what he would like to do. And he said my decision has more of an importance than his when I think his thoughts are equally important.
I noticed that he tends to turn tables on me a lot, he also redirects the conversation sometimes when I confront him about something. For example, when I see my coworker or guy friends, he tends to act a bit "off" and when I ask him if he's okay, he says that he's great when I sense that there may be something wrong. I told him to tell me if I ever upset him, if I ever do something he doesn't like, and he agrees with it... But for some reason, he becomes distant and sometimes he'd say, "you go on dates with other guys" or "he's probably taking you back to his place, etc" Jealous? I'm not sure. He told me he "knows better" than to be emotionally involved with me but yet, when he acts strange, he turns it around and says that I'm the one that is acting weird.
His actions are driving me crazy, I can't read into it. I can't see it. Some people see it as him being manipulative. Some see him being insecure. Me? I can't see anything. He has been telling me the truth this whole time but why do I feel like he's hiding something? Maybe I'm thinking too much into it and I'm the one destroying this relationship? What should I do? What do you see from this?
The Answer
I see a woman who can't speak up for what she wants and is trying to make it his fault that she can't, or doesn't want to, answer a simple question.
Seriously. I see a woman, who when asked "What do you want?" couldn't, or wouldn't give him an answer until he first said what he wants. I see someone who sounds far more concerned with what he might be feeling at every turn, than with figuring out her own feelings.
This guy is playing the EXACT same game you are:
The game of a coward who is unwilling to put the truth of what they feel or want out there, until they are certain about what the other person feels.
You are literally getting exactly what you are giving:
Emotional unavailability, distrust and lies by omission.
You are dragging your feet because you are afraid if you actually make a decision, he might not want what you want.
This is a cycle of distrust, fear and dishonesty, that you are both creating and feeding into. It's the same cycle that you started right at the beginning, where you assumed he just wanted to have sex. Just like before, the cycle breaks when one of you starts being actually honest about your own feelings, instead of badgering each other for the hidden secrets of the other person's heart.
Seriously. Stop obsessing over what he might be feeling or thinking. Look into yourself, decide what you think and feel about this relationship, and then say it out loud!
Frankly, in the end, I have to go back to my previous advice. Perhaps he is manipulating you, perhaps he is insecure, perhaps he is simply mimicking what he sees as your vague, indirect and emotionally distant behaviour, but what you can be certain of is this:
You aren't on the same page together.
You have fundamental difficulties communicating with each other.
You feel manipulated and distrustful.
So walk away. He doesn't have to an evil, abusive manipulator for you to know and accept that it just doesn't seem to work between you two.
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The Question
24 Male
My ex and I broke up a month ago (she broke up with me) and it was messy. She wanted me to stay in contact but at the same time she needed space. We tried for a few weeks but everytime we talked, she would get angry at me. We decided it was best for both of us to move on.
When we were together, she was still in contact with an ex-boyfriend of hers, who she had never actually met in real life. He lives in another country. She had an online relationship with him and they had known each other for 10 years. Her relationship would comprise of talking to him over Skype and texting. He was in her life through out all her previous relationships and had always had an issue with her dating guys in real life. Whenenver she would have a boyfriend, this guy would be pushed away and whenever her relationship wouldn't work out, he would be back in her life. This was a problem for me and I raised it with her. She got angry at me, saying he's just a friend. She lied to me. He was a guy she would always go to to talk about problems. She had loved this guy. Anyways, she said she didn't need him in her life and cut off all contact with him.
My issue with him was that he was emotionally manipulating her. Because he had been there for her in the past, he felt that he could have a say on who she dates. She developed this emotional dependency on him and whenever she would have an argument with him, she would take it out on me. Either way, enough was enough and I asked her to cut off all contact with him.
Fast forward to when we broke-up. We had a lot of arguments regarding this guy. She resented the fact that she couldn't speak to him anymore and that was part of the reason for her breaking up with me. I cared for her and let her know that this guy is just there to get something from her, he's there to prey on her because she's an attractive girl. He really doesn't care, but she thinks he does. It got to the point that as soon as she broke up with me, she got back into contact with him and I can only imagine the crap he's telling her.
I am worried about her. I'm worried that she'll do something stupid, like give up her life here and fly over there just to be with him. This was originally a plan of hers before she met me. When she met me, things changed and she no longer had that plan in mind. However, when things didn't go well with me, when we argued, she would go talk to him or feel the need to talk to him. I felt my relationship with her was doomed as long as he's there. I'm worried that this emotional dependency she has with this guy will make her do stupid things.
We haven't spoken in a few weeks. I'm tired of seeing my care for her being mistaken as controlling her. I saw something that she couldn't see and that was this relationship with this guy was unhealthy. Now she's talking to him again, I don't know if it's my place to even say anything. It hurts seeing her make this mistake again and again. I'm beginning to think I shouldn't even contact her ever again.
The Answer
You've been heard. She knows your opinion. Now drop it.
A person crosses the line from being concerned, to being controlling, when they wont shut up about the free choice made by another human being. You are badgering her. You might be right, but you are also badgering her.
You might be utterly, 100% right about his manipulation (although I'd suggest, if she dumps him each time she has a boyfriend in RL, only to pick him up after the break up, he might not be the only manipulator in this exchange). You might be right that this isn't a healthy relationship. You might be right that he is a user. You are probably right that getting on a plane to go visit him is unwise. But all those behaviours are also completely consensual. She is not a child. She has a right to choose this kind of relationship, and this kind of risk for herself.
At this point, as the ex boyfriend, your condemnation of him may well be doing more harm than good, and pushing her harder to defend him against your accusations (some of which clearly come from a place of hurt, not a place of impartial observation of him or of her.)
If you can't drop this. If you can't simply give your opinion and then -emotionally- let it go, and still be in any sort of contact with her, then don't be any sort of contact with her.
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The Question
During the beginning of the semester, my biology teacher listed me as a no show b/c I asked her what the course ID for our class was on the second week of school. She automatically thought I was not doing my work and deleted me from the class. I asked two teachers who are also counselors on the same day about what I should do. They said I should be fine and not to worry. This should not affect me. I received a bill mid semester for $50 for the bio teacher dropping me. It was a small amount so I paid it. I had some questions about why I was billed since I am fully covered by two grants. The clerk didn’t know the answer and suggested I talk to the dean. I said no, since I was planning on calling financial aid about it. She went behind my back and told the dean anyways. The dean pulled my out of class to talk about it. She said she’ll look into the bill and teacher. I found out from a friend that I could call the business office as soon as it happened and they would fix it for me if the teacher made a mistake. I found it strange that the two teachers/counselors didn’t tell me this.
A few days later, the dean said it was too late to do anything. I was very emotional b/c I recently found out from my doctor that I developed an incurable neurological disease that might make me permanently blind. I had a nervous breakdown in her office and told her about my health and cried. She wished me well and A few days later I went to the bathroom to finish crying and went back to class. The dean’s secretary heard everything and followed me to class. She suggestions I speak to a financial aid rep. who is on campus. I told her that I spoke to one on the phone already and was sure I would get the same answer. I told her I want to be alone and please give me some space. The secretary would not leave until I went and so I reluctantly did. The financial aid rep. was in the library. I speak to her about the bill and my health. She told me the same thing as the one on the phone. I had another cry session in front of everyone and felt humiliated. Even now I am still crying about my diagnosis. I am undergoing treatment. My condition is improving, but I have to wait to get an all clear from my doctor. I took the summer off school to focus on my treatments. If I don’t get better I might have to have brain surgery.
I spoke to the clerk and asked her why she told the dean. She said it was her responsibility to report any grievance against the school. I was not filing a grievance I just had questions. Now I am considering filling one because of her actions that made this incident spiral out of control.
I have not spoken to the secretary. I didn’t know who she was at the time. A few days after all of this occurred I spoke to the dean about the woman who was eavesdropping on us. The dean tried to explain that it was not called eavesdropping when the door is open and the secretary’s desk is right there. The bottom line is. I was never introduced to the secretary. I didn’t know she was there. How was I supposed to feel when a stranger comes up to me and tells me she was listening to a conversation that I thought was private. I told her I was offended by her secretary and am considering transferring to another college. I don’t know what the proper procedure is, but the way they handled it was completely disorganized and unprofessional.
I am very angry and upset by the actions of the clerk and secretary. I knew that they wanted to help me, but I said clearly said no to both of them. Yet, they violated my privacy. I am going through a tough time and told them to please leave me alone, but on one was respecting that. I asked one of my teachers for advice and she said I could file a written complaint on the teacher, dean, secretary, and clerk. I feel like I don't want too b/c I didn’t want to get them in trouble. But this has caused me a lot of stress and I have fallen into depression. Please give me advice. I would really appreciate it.
The Answer
Although the way they acted was unprofessional, it's unlikely that is rises to the point of unethical or actions that require discipline. I think you should take a big step back and just focus on your health.
From what you've described here clerk really didn't do anything wrong. You had reported a 'grievance' (which just means something is wrong, it doesn't have to be a formal grievance) and they may well have had a responsibility to bring that to the Dean's attention. For all you know, it could be an ongoing issue with this teacher, and the clerk had been told to bring any problems at all to the Dean's attention.
The secretary should have handled the information about your health with more sensitivity, and shouldn't have pressured you to take a certain action (especially since it wasn't the correct action) however the Dean was also correct: Your conversation with them wasn't strictly speaking 'private'. Most authorities at big schools avoid 'private' one-on-one conversations with students because it leaves them open to 'he said/she said' liabilities. You certainly have a valid complaint against the secretary for the way she used this information, for interfering and causing you more stress, but the fact she HAD the information may not have necessarily been inappropriate.
If you want to file a complaint, then you should (although, as I said, I think the only valid complaint you have is against the secretary, not the clerk). You don't need to worry about them 'getting in trouble'. If the Dean and school has information and policies that you don't know about, then they wont get in trouble for having followed them.
Dealing with a large organization is always tough. Even at the best of times you can get conflicting information, bad advice, have to talk to the same people or fill out the same paper work twice, and this confusion happened to you at a most inconvenient time, but that doesn't make what they did any more wrong, just more unfortunate. Try to take a deep breath and let it go for now. Make the decision about what college is best for you to attend, and if that isn't this one, then transfer.
Good luck.
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The Question
21/f
I'm dating a guy who tends to turn tables on me. For example, whenever he acts "off" or awkward and whenever I confront him about it, he tends to redirect the conversation, "turns the table" on me and says that I'm being weird. So, all the sudden I am the focus of the conversation.
I've told him if I do anything that upsets him or if something is bothering him, to let me know and to be direct and straight forward because I don't like playing the "guessing game." We're not in a complete relationship maybe that's why he doesn't feel like he has the right to tell me something is bothering him?
But I don't know what to do or how to handle the tables being turned on me since he's pretty good at it. He's good at beating around the bush.
Help?
The Answer
If someone is indirect, and leaves me confused or always on the defensive, that's a good sign that it's not a person I want to be dating.
You don't give quite enough information here to make any judgement about why he is doing this. It is certainly a tatic of emotional abuse - but he could also be insecure, or inexperienced, rather than trying to manipulate you. There is no way for us to know.
Honestly, if you are just casually dating someone and having these really fundemental communication troubles (and it sounds you are feeling manipulated as well) it might be a good idea to walk away.
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The Question
I'm a junior in high school right now. I've only been dating my current boyfriend for four months but I've liked him since August. He means everything to me and I swear I'm in love with this boy. But there's only one problem, his friends. I'm his first girlfriend so before me he was always with them. And he used to also act like them. They are all immature, rude, obnoxious, annoying, ect. I'm sure you get the idea. But after him and I began becoming more than friends, he started to mature. He stopped acting like them. Then after we began dating he started spending each and every day with me. We will hang out after school for about two hours, and then All day Saturday and on Sunday he eats dinner with my family. So needless to say, he has totally stopped acting like them. During this period he has been telling me how rude his friends always were to him and that they took advantage of him (he doesn't ever say no to anyone) and it makes me feel sad. We will be walking in the hallways and they will call him names and make fun of him right to his face in front of me. And he lets them. But today he hung out with them again after school and I'm not against him hanging out with friends it's just I wish he had better ones. He was already starting to act like them today. Also he said he is going to start hanging out with them at least 1 time a week. I love him and I'm trying to protect him without hurting him. What should I do? I don't think we can date if he's going to do this. Help!
The Answer
You've got to be okay with him making his own choices about who he is friends with.
It is sad, and they shouldn't be behaving like that. But if your boyfriend wants to spend more time with them, you need to be understanding. Everyone needs friends. Sometimes, especially in high school, we don't have a lot of people to choose from. If he wants to give it another try with them, that's fair. You don't have to pretend you think it's a great idea, but you do have to respect that it is his choice to make.
Frankly, his relationship with you, and spending so much of his time with you, might be part of why they are so negative and mean. If they are feeling rejected or neglected by him, that can lead to some lousy behaviour. It's not okay for them to act that way, but he still wants their friendship, then he needs to mend those bridges and that means spending time with them.
By all means, stand up for the way you expect to be treated. Let him know if he is mimicking their rude behaviour, and you don't like it. You don't have to accept rudeness from him, just because his friends have rude habits, but also respect his choice to spend time with friends - even if they aren't the best of people.
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