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Husband in Control of Everything
As a 58 yr old, married female, I am embarrassed to say I put myself in a bad situation. Up to two yrs ago, I had a high paying job my entire working career and my independence. Chances of getting that back are slim to none. I have little to show for it now, with a small cash reserve, a modest IRA and 401k, but no income. Long story short, at my husband's insistence and his promise to provide, "I'll take care of everything, you don't have to worry, what's mine is yours" scenario, I quit my job and moved with him to a foreign county where he accepted an assignment where I cannot work. Meanwhile, he has benefited financially with my help and he controls all money, all decisions, keeps me completely in the dark about everything. I am on a need to know basis. If I say or do anything he does not like, I am threatened with divorce. He is not all bad and does not physically abuse me, but emotionally I feel ruined and my self esteem is low. Frankly, I am terrified of my future and I don't know what to do. I haven't mentioned that he is impatient, stubborn and doesn't listen to anyone most of the time. He makes promises he doesn't keep. After arguments or whenever he gets upset about something, he won't talk to me for days or weeks until I apologize for whatever it is and then he reprimands me further to "behave," and most (but not all) of the time he is at fault. I feel so lost, I can't make any decisions and don't know what to do. Any advice?
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next tell him that you want a divorce and go back to you home country. you have to start saving up from what you get from him. but you did not tell us whether you 2 have kids together
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If you are ready to leave him, it is probably best for you to find your way to back to your home country as quickly as possible.
You don't say where you've moved too, or how the laws of the place you are might effect your ability to leave him, but since you have a 401K I assume you are American, so you need to return to the states.
If he has power, in the country where you live, to stop you from traveling, then you could lie to him, but you could also contact the American Embassy or U.S. Consulate for assistance.
Of course, you should leave him. It's very nice to say that he doesn't hit you, but if that's the best thing that can be said, that's not good enough. His idea of 'taking care of everything' is actually just a kind of way of saying he thinks he owns you. He takes care of everything, because you are nothing to him. He doesn't care for you as a person, he cares for you as a piece of property. In that situation, the only thing you can do is get out, and get yourself to a place where the law recognizes you as a person, not as object he owns.
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If you two are US citizens and wish to retain your US citizenship then you must return to this country for a short period of time every 18 months that you are in a foreign country. Domestic US and Foreign employers are aware of this and usually include the return to the US every 18 months as part of the contract of employment.
What you need to do is to find out when he will be returning to the states and for how long you two will be here. Then ask him if you can leave ahead of him so you can visit with relatives he does not like to visit. This will probably be the best reason you can muster for him to go along with you leaving without him.
Once you are in the states go directly to a lawyers office and arrange the needed paperwork to force disclosure of assets in preparation for divorce. Ask the lawyer to ask the court to hold his passport until he complies completely with your request. This probably would require an emergency hearing as time would be short.
Whether you want to divorce him or not this is the only way you can force him to divulge where he has hidden your money and to split the fund equitably between you. Once you have this information and the funds are split if you two wish to reconcile, before the divorce is final, that's up to the two of you. But any reconciliation begins with separate bank accounts, here in the states that he does not have access to and a weekly allotment from his paycheck so that you can enjoy life in the foreign country.
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Now I can give you advice, heck...I could talk all day, about this and that...but it doesn't mean you're going to take it...Which...is sad...but...it happens. You read what you wrote, I mean right now, read it...and pretend it wasn't you that wrote it. Pretend it was...you're daughter, or a neice...a young girl you care deeply about...what is your advice to that young girl.
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