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Is he manipulative, insecure, or defensive?
21/f, 27/m
Just in case you may be wondering, if you believe in horoscopes. He's a Scorpio. I am a Pisces.
Please be patient. This may be long, I feel like you will need to know details to help me answer my question.
I have always wanted to be with a guy that may have more experience than me just because in my relationships, I have always been the one that has had the most experience (meaning, I was usually their first serious girlfriend). I realized that I cannot see what others may see from a third point of view. I am oblivious to things when I am in the situation or when things are not directly said towards me.
I have been talking/dating this guy for a month. The first time we dated/started talking, I thought I might have been a "booty call" because he was making dirty jokes here and there. Many people told me, if possible, don't get my feelings involved and "go with the flow." Personally, I don't think you can control your feelings. You can't help but like that person. So, instead I spoke to him about it. I told him that if I was a girl he was just trying to sleep with, then he should go elsewhere because he will not get it from me. He told me that he has not had a "booty call" for a long time and that he just wanted to test the waters and see if we would work out of not. Things got a lot better after we cleared things up, eventually we did have sex. He continued to see me afterward and we continued dating.
On one of our dates, I saw him on Tinder (an app where you can meet the opposite sex/whatever. If you both find each other attractive, you can message one another through the app), and I confronted him about it. He admitted to me that he gets on the app a few times a day. I started getting confused afterward. At one point, he stopped trying to have sex but we continued to see each other and went on dates, he was still a gentleman and that got me curious if he was seeing other people. I decided to confront him about it, again.
He told me that he still has a Tinder. He chats with people on it, but he doesn't date/see other people other than me. He asked me why I brought it up on the day I was to see him and I said it was because if he was to see other people, I wouldn't see him that day (the only reason being because I don't want to sleep with him/see him after another girl, etc). He told me he wouldn't mind being exclusive with me, if I wanted and that he wanted to continue to see me. Somehow this conversation started off with me being curious (wanting to make it fair, trying to see if it was exclusive or not) to me deciding whether or not if I wanted to be exclusive. He let me "sleep on it" to decide. I didn't know what I want. I WAS JUST CURIOUS!
He didn't bring it since then but today, he brought it back up and asked whether or not if I wanted to be exclusive. I asked him why all the sudden he wanted to ask, he said he was just curious. I told him there must be more of a reason for him to be asking me and this conversation pretty much went nowhere. I asked him what he wanted to then I could consider what he wants instead of not hearing what he would like to do. And he said my decision has more of an importance than his when I think his thoughts are equally important.
I noticed that he tends to turn tables on me a lot, he also redirects the conversation sometimes when I confront him about something. For example, when I see my coworker or guy friends, he tends to act a bit "off" and when I ask him if he's okay, he says that he's great when I sense that there may be something wrong. I told him to tell me if I ever upset him, if I ever do something he doesn't like, and he agrees with it... But for some reason, he becomes distant and sometimes he'd say, "you go on dates with other guys" or "he's probably taking you back to his place, etc" Jealous? I'm not sure. He told me he "knows better" than to be emotionally involved with me but yet, when he acts strange, he turns it around and says that I'm the one that is acting weird.
His actions are driving me crazy, I can't read into it. I can't see it. Some people see it as him being manipulative. Some see him being insecure. Me? I can't see anything. He has been telling me the truth this whole time but why do I feel like he's hiding something? Maybe I'm thinking too much into it and I'm the one destroying this relationship? What should I do? What do you see from this?
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I think you may have answered your own question. You've been very direct with him as far as what you expect in a partner, and he's being evasive.
You're obviously frustrated with him: do the positive elements of this relationship exceed the negative ones? Is his company that great? Does he make you feel so incredibly happy and fulfilled that you're willing to put up with his evasions? How does being involved with this guy benefit you, aside from having somebody to go out with on occasion?
If you left him, nobody would blame you. You deserve straight answers to honest questions.
Hope this helps.
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Hello mam, I'm glad that you've asked me this question. I want to first start off by saying, I'm always honest in my answer, and I'm not going to sugarcoat ANYTHING.
I'd LIKE TO SAY that I completely ADMIRE your ability to sense these things, that blind many other women. I applaud you on that. Do NOT give that ability up, because it's important. I have that feeling in the pit of my stomach thing too, and I always end up right. This man, in my opinion, is a butthead. I think, he's seeing other women, but he sees you as HIS. I feel like, what you brought up gave me those SAME feelings that you're feeling about the situation. He doesn't really care about your feelings, he lets you think what ever you want. He doesn't tell you anything about himself, because he doesn't want anything to slip out, or for him to accidently commit himself. In short terms, he doesn't care about you, he's trying to keep you as a side project....RUN!
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I see a woman who can't speak up for what she wants and is trying to make it his fault that she can't, or doesn't want to, answer a simple question.
Seriously. I see a woman, who when asked "What do you want?" couldn't, or wouldn't give him an answer until he first said what he wants. I see someone who sounds far more concerned with what he might be feeling at every turn, than with figuring out her own feelings.
This guy is playing the EXACT same game you are:
The game of a coward who is unwilling to put the truth of what they feel or want out there, until they are certain about what the other person feels.
You are literally getting exactly what you are giving:
Emotional unavailability, distrust and lies by omission.
You are dragging your feet because you are afraid if you actually make a decision, he might not want what you want.
This is a cycle of distrust, fear and dishonesty, that you are both creating and feeding into. It's the same cycle that you started right at the beginning, where you assumed he just wanted to have sex. Just like before, the cycle breaks when one of you starts being actually honest about your own feelings, instead of badgering each other for the hidden secrets of the other person's heart.
Seriously. Stop obsessing over what he might be feeling or thinking. Look into yourself, decide what you think and feel about this relationship, and then say it out loud!
Frankly, in the end, I have to go back to my previous advice. Perhaps he is manipulating you, perhaps he is insecure, perhaps he is simply mimicking what he sees as your vague, indirect and emotionally distant behaviour, but what you can be certain of is this:
You aren't on the same page together.
You have fundamental difficulties communicating with each other.
You feel manipulated and distrustful.
So walk away. He doesn't have to an evil, abusive manipulator for you to know and accept that it just doesn't seem to work between you two.
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I'm going to be blunt and it may seem harsh. You have him a guilt trip when you weren't exclusive, as though you were. If you were not, he could look. He was wrong to look while with you, though. Then, he asked if you wanted to be exclusive and you did not answer. He gave you time. When he brought it up again, you got defensive. He wasn't even nagging or pushing. He gave you time. He worries about the other guys because they could be the reason you are not responding. Honey, you are leading him on. Make a decision to be with him or not.
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