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How to handle tables being turned?
21/f
I'm dating a guy who tends to turn tables on me. For example, whenever he acts "off" or awkward and whenever I confront him about it, he tends to redirect the conversation, "turns the table" on me and says that I'm being weird. So, all the sudden I am the focus of the conversation.
I've told him if I do anything that upsets him or if something is bothering him, to let me know and to be direct and straight forward because I don't like playing the "guessing game." We're not in a complete relationship maybe that's why he doesn't feel like he has the right to tell me something is bothering him?
But I don't know what to do or how to handle the tables being turned on me since he's pretty good at it. He's good at beating around the bush.
Help?
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I think directness could make it possible to communicate despite his non-sequiturs.
You could respond that you're happy to discuss your behaviors next and how to improve them, but unless that is the reason for his discomfort (in which case you'd like a more specific explanation of what is weird to him), his isn't really a relevant response to the issue you brought up and you'd like to have your concerns answered since you raised those first. It sounds like a really frustrating situation, but if you can learn to gently press on in calm, factual communication in the face of illogic, you'll have a skill that will serve you well in many future encounters.
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I agree with Razhie in that this is a guy you probably should not be dating and that there is not enough information here to offer much of a solution or the one you are looking for.
People in general who are constantly turning the tables on others are generally people who are controllers. There are two reasons that I know of for people who need to be in control of everything in their lives.
The first reason is a personality flaw. Meaning this is just the way they are and there is nothing that can be done, no magic pill that will change them. With therapy with a good psychologist they may see how wrong this is and if they constantly are aware and work at it they might be able to control themselves of this problem. IF your guy is of this nature this is the reason I would say I and Razhie are saying he is not for you.
The second reason is more of a medical problem. People who suffer from certain forms of depression tend to want to control everything in their lives. For them everything has to have a place and everything needs to be in its place. This is how they control their depression. The biggest problem here is this is their norm, as they do not know they are depressed and convincing them that they are is almost fruitless. They are almost like alcoholics in that they have to hit bottom before they will accept the fact that they have a problem. The same is true with Alcoholics and other people who have problems like them.
You can beg and bleed with them until you're blue in the face. They will just turn the table on you and tell you that you and the rest of the world are crazy. They are the sane ones and the rest of the world is crazy. My father was like this and would never accept the fact he was depressed even after he was diagnosed.
Both of these problems would or will cause you great pain if your relationship with this guy were to come to a conclusion of marriage or living together. Therefore my advice is you are not going to change him no matter how much you may love him. So before you get into this relationship where leaving would be too hurtful. You should consider leaving now.
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If someone is indirect, and leaves me confused or always on the defensive, that's a good sign that it's not a person I want to be dating.
You don't give quite enough information here to make any judgement about why he is doing this. It is certainly a tatic of emotional abuse - but he could also be insecure, or inexperienced, rather than trying to manipulate you. There is no way for us to know.
Honestly, if you are just casually dating someone and having these really fundemental communication troubles (and it sounds you are feeling manipulated as well) it might be a good idea to walk away.
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This is a manipulation tactic that some individuals do.
One is called Evasion and Diversion which you can find a link to article about here:
[Link](Mouse over link to see full location)
My ex was good at this. He took it to a another level, not just redirecting to other subjects if I was bringing up a problem, but reflecting that problem back on me, trying to convince me and other people, even in our church that I was the one with that issue. So whenever he was afraid of too many eyes being on him long enough to discover that he was the actual person with problems or issues, he would accuse me of them in front of others. Thats all a self preservation tactic to protect oneself from detection of shortcomings of his own. Late in our marriage he finally agreed to go to a counselor after a counselor friend of mine urged him to. He had mental health issues and this is a common tactic of such a person because they know enough to realize something isnt quite right about themselves, and they may not want to accept or go for help so in order to never have it discovered they have issues, they redirect attention else where. I can't say why this guy does it to you. But that is not the behavior of a normal mentally healthy person. My ex never changed and counselor says that most people make only a few minor changes in a lifetime and major changes are likely to never happen in a lifetime. Since he had multiple issues that affected me, I left because the prognosis was theres little chance of him changing. Was I jokay remaining married to him then? i was not because mine case involved mental and verbal abuse. I left him.
So, assuming this aspect of your boyfriend will never change and there is nothing you can do to change him, are you okay with staying with him? You can certainly find someone better. A person will only change for the better when they have the internal drive to do so themselves.
Sorry to have to give you such a sad answer.
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