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Worried about ex
24 Male
My ex and I broke up a month ago (she broke up with me) and it was messy. She wanted me to stay in contact but at the same time she needed space. We tried for a few weeks but everytime we talked, she would get angry at me. We decided it was best for both of us to move on.
When we were together, she was still in contact with an ex-boyfriend of hers, who she had never actually met in real life. He lives in another country. She had an online relationship with him and they had known each other for 10 years. Her relationship would comprise of talking to him over Skype and texting. He was in her life through out all her previous relationships and had always had an issue with her dating guys in real life. Whenenver she would have a boyfriend, this guy would be pushed away and whenever her relationship wouldn't work out, he would be back in her life. This was a problem for me and I raised it with her. She got angry at me, saying he's just a friend. She lied to me. He was a guy she would always go to to talk about problems. She had loved this guy. Anyways, she said she didn't need him in her life and cut off all contact with him.
My issue with him was that he was emotionally manipulating her. Because he had been there for her in the past, he felt that he could have a say on who she dates. She developed this emotional dependency on him and whenever she would have an argument with him, she would take it out on me. Either way, enough was enough and I asked her to cut off all contact with him.
Fast forward to when we broke-up. We had a lot of arguments regarding this guy. She resented the fact that she couldn't speak to him anymore and that was part of the reason for her breaking up with me. I cared for her and let her know that this guy is just there to get something from her, he's there to prey on her because she's an attractive girl. He really doesn't care, but she thinks he does. It got to the point that as soon as she broke up with me, she got back into contact with him and I can only imagine the crap he's telling her.
I am worried about her. I'm worried that she'll do something stupid, like give up her life here and fly over there just to be with him. This was originally a plan of hers before she met me. When she met me, things changed and she no longer had that plan in mind. However, when things didn't go well with me, when we argued, she would go talk to him or feel the need to talk to him. I felt my relationship with her was doomed as long as he's there. I'm worried that this emotional dependency she has with this guy will make her do stupid things.
We haven't spoken in a few weeks. I'm tired of seeing my care for her being mistaken as controlling her. I saw something that she couldn't see and that was this relationship with this guy was unhealthy. Now she's talking to him again, I don't know if it's my place to even say anything. It hurts seeing her make this mistake again and again. I'm beginning to think I shouldn't even contact her ever again.
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I think the WHOLE relationship with this girl should end. If she won't give up that guy to be with you, and make you happy, then I don't think she cares about you all that much. Sorry to be harsh, but it's true. Someone, who cares about you, only wants your happiness. And in that case, she wouldn't have broken up with you in the first place. Unfortunately it is no longer your place to worry for her...to worry about someone who thinks so ill of you, and doesn't see ill with the guy who is truly controlling her. So, you could shoot her a text that says, "I worry about you, and I'm scared for you. I'm sorry if you thought I was being controlling, or manipulative, I just want whats best for you. If you wanna be with this guy, then just please watch out for yourself. Don't move all the way there for this guy. Keep yourself safe. I just want you to be okay." And then cut off all contact. If SHE wants to talk to YOU, and you still wanna talk, then go ahead and talk to her. But it seems to me that she's being very stubborn, and doesn't know who is being honest to her, and who is lying. She's going to immediately go to the person she's known the longest.
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Me too. Im worried about my ex of what he do and if he's happy now.
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There are times when you have to let people make their own mistakes; this may be one of those times. It is obvious that you care a great deal for this girl and do not want to see her hurt. It also appears you have done everything you can to make her aware of what you see that see doesn't see or doesn't want to see.
You have done all you can as a friend at this point. The best thing for you to do for you is to move on. As a friend the best thing you can do is be there for her as a friend when and if her world come tumbling down on her as you predict.
Even though she may not have the same type of relationship she has had or could have with you. She has known this guy for a long time. She is willing to turn a blind eye to whatever you are seeing. She may even have made herself believe he is not having any serious relationships but is waiting for her to come to him. This too is a red flag for it would be just as right for him to come to her, maybe the better thing to do.
As I said above if you can be there for her when things come crashing down. If you can continue to be her friend. You though must move on and find a girl you can build a relationship with and a life with. For until and when this girls world which is currently revolving around this other guy comes crashing down I do not see her entering into a serious relationship with you or anyone else.
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You've been heard. She knows your opinion. Now drop it.
A person crosses the line from being concerned, to being controlling, when they wont shut up about the free choice made by another human being. You are badgering her. You might be right, but you are also badgering her.
You might be utterly, 100% right about his manipulation (although I'd suggest, if she dumps him each time she has a boyfriend in RL, only to pick him up after the break up, he might not be the only manipulator in this exchange). You might be right that this isn't a healthy relationship. You might be right that he is a user. You are probably right that getting on a plane to go visit him is unwise. But all those behaviours are also completely consensual. She is not a child. She has a right to choose this kind of relationship, and this kind of risk for herself.
At this point, as the ex boyfriend, your condemnation of him may well be doing more harm than good, and pushing her harder to defend him against your accusations (some of which clearly come from a place of hurt, not a place of impartial observation of him or of her.)
If you can't drop this. If you can't simply give your opinion and then -emotionally- let it go, and still be in any sort of contact with her, then don't be any sort of contact with her.
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