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My boyfriend has really rude friends, please help.
I'm a junior in high school right now. I've only been dating my current boyfriend for four months but I've liked him since August. He means everything to me and I swear I'm in love with this boy. But there's only one problem, his friends. I'm his first girlfriend so before me he was always with them. And he used to also act like them. They are all immature, rude, obnoxious, annoying, ect. I'm sure you get the idea. But after him and I began becoming more than friends, he started to mature. He stopped acting like them. Then after we began dating he started spending each and every day with me. We will hang out after school for about two hours, and then All day Saturday and on Sunday he eats dinner with my family. So needless to say, he has totally stopped acting like them. During this period he has been telling me how rude his friends always were to him and that they took advantage of him (he doesn't ever say no to anyone) and it makes me feel sad. We will be walking in the hallways and they will call him names and make fun of him right to his face in front of me. And he lets them. But today he hung out with them again after school and I'm not against him hanging out with friends it's just I wish he had better ones. He was already starting to act like them today. Also he said he is going to start hanging out with them at least 1 time a week. I love him and I'm trying to protect him without hurting him. What should I do? I don't think we can date if he's going to do this. Help!
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Maybe give some free advice about: Friendship?
The fact that you are a junior in High School tells me that you two are somewhere between the ages of 15 to 17 years of age. If I had to take a guess I would say you are both probably 16 close to your 17th birthdays. Fact is girls at this age are more mature than boys of the same age by at least 2 years if not more. Boys remain less mature than girls well into their early twenties and there are some boys that never really mature into adults.
You have been a good influence on your boyfriend and I can understand why you do not want him associating with his friends as he did before you two started dating. To abandon him because he wants to spend some time with his friends would be like throwing him to the wolves for he will most certainly return to his old way. There is a middle ground here.
I was attending a company meeting once and I was talking with a coworker and our manager. We worked as Sales Representatives for a National Manufacture to the Building Trades. At some point in the conversation my coworker remarked that he had never heard me cuss. My manger said that in all the times he had worked with me he too had not heard me cuss. I explained to them that I knew all the words but chose not use them and had trained myself not to use them during the work day or on a fire ground in front of the public; I was also a volunteer fire fighter. If they wanted to hear me cuss they should come down to the fire station, especially after a bad call and listen to me.
What I’m trying to point out is there and a time and a place for everything. Since my job took me not only on to jobsites where there was a whole lot of cussing going on. I also went into the offices’ of the distributors who sold my products where there were many women working who might not like to hear me cussing, so I trained myself not to cuss when working. I felt it wasn’t appropriate and that I was capable of making my points without cussing. A funny thing I should pass along. As the different trades’ people I met with on a regular base got to know me; they too stopped cussing when dealing with me.
Your boyfriend can adopt my method of dealing with cussing when he is with you or with his friends. When he is with his friends to fit in he can act like them. What he has to remember is you don’t appreciate it when he is like that and prefer the boyfriend you know he can be when he is with you and your family. You can’t shelter him from how his friends act and you shouldn’t keep him from his friends either as that would be controlling. The middle ground if he wants to be with you is the Jeckle and Hyde approach of being different with you then when he is with his friends. If he loves you he can do it.
What this requires of you is a conversation with him. One where you tell him you have noticed him slipping back into his old ways. You tell him you understand when he is around his friends you understand he has to be like them. When he is around you and your family he has to be what he has become for this is the person you and your family have grown to love. If need be you can explain in detail but I don’t feel that will be necessary.
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You've got to be okay with him making his own choices about who he is friends with.
It is sad, and they shouldn't be behaving like that. But if your boyfriend wants to spend more time with them, you need to be understanding. Everyone needs friends. Sometimes, especially in high school, we don't have a lot of people to choose from. If he wants to give it another try with them, that's fair. You don't have to pretend you think it's a great idea, but you do have to respect that it is his choice to make.
Frankly, his relationship with you, and spending so much of his time with you, might be part of why they are so negative and mean. If they are feeling rejected or neglected by him, that can lead to some lousy behaviour. It's not okay for them to act that way, but he still wants their friendship, then he needs to mend those bridges and that means spending time with them.
By all means, stand up for the way you expect to be treated. Let him know if he is mimicking their rude behaviour, and you don't like it. You don't have to accept rudeness from him, just because his friends have rude habits, but also respect his choice to spend time with friends - even if they aren't the best of people.
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Guys pretty much all go through a period of rather obnoxious and anti-social behaviour in their early to mid-teens. And it's most pronounced when they're in the company of their mates. The degree is variable. It's a bit of a 'rites of passage' thing. Take the word 'anti-social' apart. It's their spot of rebellion against society. I'm not surprised at the ability to 'turn it on and off like a tap' either. It's a bit of a show of force, a facade that young males will feel the urge to 'put on' when they feel it's needed. And the pressure is on amongst his mates for him to do the same (strictly speaking it's know as 'peer group pressure' and there is a strong urge to conform to the social group. Not to 'be different'). The fact is that he can be charming and polite and mature with you, he can 'do' grown-up social functions like dining in company. Bluntly? He's bellowing and raving a bit among his mates to "show he's a man". The vast majority DO NOT become socially dysfunctional anarchists hating polite society. They take their place WITHIN society. And when he's older he'll think young lads are silly and immature and obnoxious too. Long as he treats YOU like a lady, maybe turn a bit of a 'blind-eye' and give him time, I should say. Just reading through dragonflymagics response...yep...you girls DO mature quicker. That's why it's common for a fifteen y.o, girl to fancy an 18 y.o guy...while girls of 18 will rarely see much to 'fancy' in a guy of 15. Best wishes.x
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The majority of teens in highschool regardless of girls or boys have mature bodies but not mature brains. The pre frontal cortex of the brain is not mature until our mid 20's. So its quite a ways until 25, 26. Most teens need some time for their brains and therefore their behavior to catch up with their bodies.
If I were you, I wouldn't worry about the other guys. As has been already said, it's typical behavior for guys. What you think he needs protecting from is likely no biggie for him.The teasing and ribbing from friends when any teens start dating is common. You risk messing things up if you do anything to try to stop others from teasing him, like talking to his friends. They will likely rib him all the worse for having a protective mother hen for a girlfriend and you risk upsetting the boyfriend by embarassing him by making a big deal of it when it may not have been to him at all. If by chance, he doesnt like it, he needs to learn how to deal with it on his own. You don't want the boyfriend resenting any actions you take that make him look bad then to the guys. His resentment could also be enough to break up with you. Since he is mature, he most likely would just bring up the subject and ask you nicely not to interfere, rather than react and leave you. Just trying to cover most possibilities of what could go wrong if you " try to protect him".
Is it unreasonable for him to want to see his friends at least once a week. Not at all, he's actually very incredible still choosing to spend the majority of his time keeping you as a priority. Girls have only one priority when dating...a boyfriend. Guys have several priorities. If you end up one of his top 3, then you are in a good place. Do you have any girlfriends? If you do, either every single one is absorbed with a boyfriend of her own, or your friends are being neglected. Its not so much about your girlfriends characters and maturity as it is about learning how to juggle priorities. This is one of the things all of us need to learn at some point if we want a healthy happy long lasting relationship.
At the 4-6 month mark for many is when that New relationship energy, that special high you feel with a new boyfriend begins to come back down to normal standards. This is the time when new dating couples realize once again that they do have family, and friends to pay attention as well as their love. The sooner you learn it, the easier all relationships will go. All of us have to learn the hard way thru experience. There isn't any good manual Ive ever heard of that makes dating and relationships easy cus its a very complex area.
Good luck dear.
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Sorry, but you are the one who is wrong here. You can not do his thinking for him. That is exactly what you are afraid his friends will do. He does possess a mind of his own and from what you say he seems to use it quite well most of the time! He sounds very mature and he also seems to be aware of what his friends are like. You can not just expect him to give up all his friends because he is dating you. Teenage boys in groups usually are rude and obnoxious but that doesn't mean they are bad people(or bad friends). It is pretty normal for the first one in the group who gets a girlfriend to take a lot of heat for it. Instead of taking his friends so seriously and getting angry why don't you try wisecracking back at them in a joking way. If they think you are clever and cool they might ease up on the teasing a little.You have to let your guy have his space and his alone time with his friends. Remember this for ever and always no matter who you are in a relationship with: You are NOT his mother and he does NOT need you to protect him! That is actually quite insulting if you stop and think about it. That makes it sound like you think he is too stupid to handle this situation on his own! You would be very wrong to make him choose between you and his friends. My advice to you would be to not go anywhere near him while he is hanging with his friends. I am sure you have some friends you could hang with or something else you could do on the evenings he spends with them. I know it is hard but if you can be mature enough to give him his space and let him think for himself you will have a much better relationship in the long run! Good luck!
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