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So my girlfriend went to a party with an ex. There are two of them there actually. It is a twenty first birthday and they are drinking. Is this okay? Should I not be worried. I would not consider drinking with my exes. I would feel like I was betraying my love. I just want to know if I am being paranoid. I mean people can get crazy when they are drunk. I trust her with all my heart. But I know what happens when people get drunk. Esspecially when exes are involved. Also she is staying the night. (link)
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First, let me assure you you aren't being paranoid... this is a bad idea all around.
Now, I don't know if you will listen here, but I will give it a try: The largest problem I see with this is the fact she doesn't see an issue with it. This leave two possibilities that I can see:
1) She is seriously lacking in brainpower and/or common sense. (In which case, you should seriously consider finding someone who is more your intellectual equal.)
2) She really wants to have sex with her ex(s) and is planning on using one of the most tired excuses out there: "Oh poor me, it was the booze, I didn't know what I was doing!"
Either way, you have some thinking to do.
Let us pretend it is option #1. Let me fast forward to your future for a minute:
You are married, have two kids and YOU think everything in fine. Then she does this exact same thing. At that point, how would you feel about it?
You should feel the same way now. If she lacks sense, there is a chance she could grow into it, but you don't want to be the one hanging around until the missing part of her brain develops.
If she is looking to relive old times with her ex(s) then you know what you should do. If you do dump her over this, make sure you do NOT issue an ultimatum like: "If you do this we are through!"
Why? Well, she may not do it then. Why is that a bad thing? Remember my example about your future? She may not do it now, but if she has that cheating(or plainly stupid) way of thinking, it will still be there down the road.
Remember: In my experience, there is exactly one reason that people maintain friendships with their ex (excluding people who have kids together) and that is to leave open the possibility of getting back together.
How many reasons do you thing there are to have all night drinking parties with your ex(s?)
Not many reasons.
Now, if you want some advice on how to handle it, I will offer this:
YOU don't do anything. Only react to what she does. Do NOT go break up the party and make a scene. If she goes to the party, then that is where SHE WANTS TO BE. If you make any demands upon her past that point, you are both wasting your time on a woman who is clearly not worth a minute of it, along with giving her an excuse for her actions.
You break up the party, and she will just say: "Look what I have to put up with! He is so awful!"
Just let her do whatever she wants, and if she chooses a drunken sleepover with her ex(s) then, if it were me, I would choose to be single until I found someone who had some respect for herself.
Good luck.
P.S. If this does end badly, I know it will hurt, BUT I am telling you from experience that it is better to know how a person is RIGHT NOW, as opposed to finding out 3 days before your 10th wedding anniversary. Take it from an old pro on this one. :-(
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Ok so I've been wit my boyfrien for 4 years now an the past 1 n half I've felt really trapped like I'm gonna b stuck with him n there's no way out. I'm kinda scared I'm gonna end up alone living with my parents or sumthing. The few times I tried dumping him for good reason, he threaten to kill himself he even tried hanging himself in front of me, I was piling n so grossed out n didn't know what to do. I mean I care Bout him obvisouly or I wouldn't have wasted my life wit him. Can I fix this or has anyone had this prob? Thanks (link)
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Hi there,
I know you can write better than this. Please take the time to write out your question using real words.
If I approve it like this, nobody will take you seriously.
Thank you.
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Ok I'm 15 years old & my period usually is 5 days late but thi month I was supposed to get it a week ago & I never got it.. I was on vacation & hooked up with a boy in the pool & his penis was on my vag for a couple seconds but we both had our bathing suit bottoms on & I don't think he ejeaculated 1) bec we weren't having sex 2) he didn't have an orgasm bec we weren't doing anything it was just sitting there bur he tried pressing it in for like 3 seconds but like I said he didn't "come" bec he would gotten outta the pool..I've been really stressed & upset so idk if that is what's causing my prod not to come yet? Help would be appreciated.. also, I've had all my "pre mentsrual" symptoms..... (link)
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This has already been answered here:
http://www.advicenators.com/qview.php?q=597583
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I just asked a question about 10 minutes ago on her & I forgot to put a subject & I realllllyyyyyyyy need that. Question answered!!!!!! If maybe you can find it by looking for my questions my user name is justthatgirl.. I really really need it answered asap.. It's in the category sexual health-pregnancy (link)
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Questions are anonnymous to the public. The users can't look you up by username, which is the whole point of this site.
I will add a subject to your question when I approve it.
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I'm a young 50 and he's 44. It's our first date and he's cooking dinner for me at his place. I would like to take something to him like flowers or small plant for his place. Are any of these an appropriate gift for a woman to give a man on a first date?
Thank you. (link)
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If you are 100% certain he is ok with alcohol, then a bottle of wine is a customary gift for someone who is cooking you a nice meal. Dating or otherwise, the wine is a pretty standard gift of re-payment for the meal.
As for the flowers, well that depends on the man. If it were between flowers and plant, I would say flowers.
Would you give someone a puppy for your first date? Why not? Because it is a burden of sorts to look after it, and you can't go out of town without arranging a babysitter, right? Same with the plant.
Wine, flowers, or something for desert. Desert is tricky, if he is planning to serve you some, so you could offer to take him out for desert once the meal is complete, if that feels like the right thing to do at the time.
One unrelated note, if you will allow me: You may be an adult, but I will ask you to use the same rules you would give a teenager on a first date:
Make sure at least one person knows where you are, and any places you are aware you may be going as part of the date.
Leave his address with the people you choose to look out for you.
Set up a phone call for a given time, so someone can call and check to see how your date is going.
You may not think any of this is needed, and the odds are that you are right... however, the one time you don't do things properly is the time things go wrong. Know what I mean?
Good luck to you, and enjoy your date.
P.S. If you don't know anything about wine, it is ok to ask him what he thinks would go best with the meal.
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19/f
my boyfriend of 10 months broke up with me 2 weeks ago. he broke up with me when i was drunk, we got back together the next day and then he broke up with me again 2 days later saying that everything was 'weird'. he broke up with me because i said stupid stuff when i was drunk like that i wanted to be single and other stuff that i didn't mean. anyways, we've been talking a little and he told me he misses me but he doesn't wanna get back together but he's giving me really mixed signals and i think he's still hurt. the last (and pretty much only other time) we broke up it was because he broke up with me when i was drunk and i kissed some random guy at a bar because i was so pissed. he never forgave me for that and he told me that after that he started taking all of the dumb stuff i said about wanting to be single seriously. he says if we ever got back together he would be worried i would cheat on him. he says his feelings for me will never be the same but i don't believe that. i think he's just hurt because he keeps sending me really mixed signals. my question is how i can gain his trust back. i already haven't drank since we broke up (i had been drinking maybe 3 nights a week this summer) and i haven't hooked up with anyone else. i just need to figure out a way to show him i ONLY wanna be with him. because that is truly 100% how i feel. thanks (link)
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Edit:
As per your feedback: "i dont need rehab i'm in college..... everyone says stupid things when they're drunk and i never cheated on him maybe YOU need to read the question again"
... I have to thank you. You gave me the biggest laugh I have had in months with the line:
"i dont need rehab i'm in college....."
LOL! Nowhere do you find more people who could benefit from rehab than the average college campus. I want to get that printed on bumperstickers, seriously.
What I got out of your multiple questions, and yes I read more than this one, was that the following happened:
You got drunk, said you wanted to be single, and wanted to have sex with other men. Your boyfriend passed out. You went and hooked up with another guy, or kissed him, or let him kiss you... depending on which version of the story you are telling in the multiple times you have asked this.
In one version you said these things to hurt him because you weren't feeling secure in the relationship and you wanted him to do more, or whatever. In another version you say that these were just "dumb things" you said while you were drunk and you didn't mean to say them.
He now wants nothing more to do with you.
Is that about it?
If so, I stand by what was said below, and if you can read all the different versions of this you have typed, see all the different ways you say it, and really don't think you could benefit from counseling to help you with your insecurities, then you are only fooling yourself.
You have to understand: Paid users can't tell WHO asked a question, but they can see the other questions asked by the same person who asked a question. You are quite the hot topic in my inbox lately... The consensus being that you will just keep twisting the story until you get someone to tell you how wonderful you are and how bad he is.
I answered your question, actually believing that you wanted to be a better person, and in response you basically said you were in college, so this behaviour is ok. It isn't. How can I prove that it isn't ok? Simple:
Are you happy with the end result of your actions?
If not, then what you have done is NOT ok, even if you are in college.
How about we make a deal?
You figure out what really happened.
You don't change your story anymore.
You don't turn anything to make you look better, or him look worse.
You take as much space as you like to write out the question again, and you post it once more.
That will be the end of it. You will get what answers you do, and that is what you get.
Then, if you post it again to get answers you like better, I will simply remove your account.
Deal?
You see when people post the same question over and over, and it has already been answered adequately, but not what the person wants to hear... people feel like you are wasting their time. That you don't really want help... just someone to agree with you.
When that happens, people write me. I typically then answer the question as best I am able to see if the person is willing to listen to reason.
That is what I did here, and you can see the result.
Please feel free to tell the complete truth, ask your question again, and accept the answers that are given to that question.
While you are at it, would you mind inboxing me to let me know which one the 7 accounts you have here, you would like to keep?
Thanks.
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Hi there,
Some of the answers here amaze me. The lonesome12 person apparently didn't even read your question. :-(
Ok, the issue is getting his trust back, right?
Well, I have been through something similar, so I would like to explain a few things from a male perspective.
You said you said things when you were drunk, but you didn't mean them.
That isn't true.
For THAT moment in time, you meant it, or you wouldn't have said it. Period.
Sometimes we get mad and we say things we normally hide, or things we know will hurt the other person.
You said things for one of those two reasons. The more you say you didn't mean it, the more he thinks you are a liar.
Until you sit down and admit that you were insecure in your relationship, and that that is how you felt at the time, every word that comes out of your mouth is a lie, as far as he is concerned.
You MUST take responsibility for your own actions.
See, if you blame everything on booze, then he knows that anytime you have one drink, you are going to cheat on him yet again. Why?
Well, what would you think if your boyfriend left you passed out in a room full of people and went off to make out with another girl because he was mad at you for passing out?
You would never trust him again. Period. And he would be the biggest asshole on Earth for leaving you alone, not knowing if you would die from alcohol poisoning while you were passed out.
If he told you he didn't want to be with you anymore so that he could have sex with other women... how would YOU feel about this? Don't lie. You would dump him on the spot and never talk to him again.
The key here is that IF he did the things to you, that YOU did to him... would you ever trust him again?
Not unless you were stupid.
Well, apparently, he isn't stupid.
Is there any hope? Sure there is!
Get yourself into AA. Why? You are going to have to prove that you are no longer going to be the drunk asshole who abandoned him to make out with someone else.
Get yourself into some counseling. Why? You need to prove that you are you are no longer a person with the crushing insecurities that put you in this position in the first place.
When you can understand that this is not his fault in ANY way, and that your own self hatred and insecurities caused you to wreck this relationship, then maybe there is hope.
Maybe after you get your 1 year sobriety token, he will give you a chance.
With me it would have to be 5 years, before I would even consider it.
The bottom line is this: He may give you a second chance, in a few years, IF you can prove you have changed your ways through rehab and counseling... BUT the trust will never, EVER be fully restored. People don't work like that.
You need to decide if you are ready to change your life and grow up. Not for him, but because you are tired of being a person who makes all women look bad. Because you want to know what it is like to have too much self respect to do the things you have done in the past.
When you want to change, he may give you another chance. If he takes you back any sooner than that, he is an idiot, and you feel free to tell him I said so.
The choice is now in your hands. What will you choose?
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Hmmm...well my second choice will be "musicislove". Thanks for helping me with everything. I really don't understand how you can change my username, but you say you can so I guess you can. much (link)
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Hi there,
I can change your username, because you are talking to the owner of the site.
Now, if you could just pick one that isn't taken, that would be spiffy. :-)
Please submit 2 or more choices in order from most wanted to least.
As for the photo situation, please see my answer here:
http://www.advicenators.com/qview.php?q=596796
Thank you.
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Idk how to inbox you. I'm new to this site and don't know everything about it yet. But there's really no reason why I wanna change it, I just don't like it anymore, and I don't think it describes me as a person. I want it to be "bittersweet" cuz that's more of my style. I'd really appreciate it if you can help me out. Ty (link)
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You just sent me an inbox message telling me you didn't know how to inbox me. :-)
The username you asked for is taken.
Please come up with another one, or a variation on that one.
I will change this exactly once for you, so be sure of what you want.
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How do I change my username on here? (link)
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Usually only donating members can change their username.
You could inbox me with a really good reason, and what you would like it changed to, and I might change it for free.
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Nevermind the last in-box. I found it! ;o) (link)
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Hi there,
Welcome back!
Would you like to change your account name to something you can remember more easily? Want to change it back to your original name?
I am sure am glad to see you again. Had wondered how life was treating you these days. In fact I had cause to think of both you and Mackenzie just the other day.
Hope all is well.
Please let me know what you would like to do about the name on your account.
DN.
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hey im 13 and bout to be 14 in Febuary and i have discharge and i need to know when imma have my period....i also sometimes have stomache aches
any adice? email me at maeghanwest@gmail.com (link)
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We are sorry, but if you want your answers e-mailed to you, you will have to create an account here:
http://www.advicenators.com/register.php
Thank you.
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if your byfriend call you a bitch and said fuck you what can i do should i live him? (link)
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Amazingly, nobody raised the most obvious question:
I don't wish to be rude here, but... was your boyfriend telling the truth?
In other words, did you just do something only a bitch would do? If so, would you prefer he lie to you, call you "buttercup" while he is secretly thinking: "Why am I with this bitch again?"
Any time a conversation goes this route, there is a problem. Figuring out what the problem is can be less obvious.
If this came out of the blue, and you are 100% sure you have done nothing that would send him to that place mentally, then it is time to seek counseling (both of you) or get out of the relationship.
Should he resort to calling you names? Probably not. Few people, if adequately provoked, have the coping skills required to be polite in certain situations.
I can't help but wonder about the other folks that answered this with a straight out: "Dump him (more or less.)"
How do you think the conversation would go when they find out their partner is cheating on them? I am guessing all this "Oh there is never a reason to yell at anyone" would be right out the window.
Now, what are you supposed to do from here? If you don't know what caused this outburst, the best thing to do is ask him why he said these things. If he has no answer for you, then it is time to move on.
If he gives you and answer, then you can try to work things out.
By your age, I am going to guess neither one of you have a lot of experience in mature relationship life. Relationships are work. Real, serious work. Now all you need to do is see if there is any reason to work at this one.
Good luck, and I wish you the best outcome possible.
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Hi I'm a guy and recently I had sex with two different partners. With the first girl, we used condoms and I got blowjob and sex afterwards. However, with the second girl, being drunk, we both gave oral without condoms and used condoms after for sex. From the looks of it, she gets around pretty often. And it's been about five days since I had sex with her and I have a very small red bump about quarter of an inch below my lower lip. I'm still pretty young so sometimes i get pimples, but this seem to be bit different looking than pimples. Could this be herpes? If so, which type of herpes could this be? What kind of things should i avoid doing for awhile? And would there ever be cure for herpes? (link)
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I personally know someone who had a herpes outbreak 3 days after being infected.
In doing a little research for you, I have found a typical early range of 3 days to 2 weeks.
Here is another thing you need to know: The various tests for herpes are just about useless for at least a month after infection. Some are pointless before 4 months have gone by.
You can read a little about that over here:
http://std.about.com/od/gettingtested/f/timetoherpestest.htm
... And here is your wake-up call on something else:
Condoms do NOT fully prevent the spread of herpes or HPV (genital warts, cancer) so condom or not, you might have gotten it from the first girl and given it to the next one. :-(
If this isn't an STD... it should at least be a wake up call that your current choices are endangering your life.
I wish you the very best outcome.
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why is it that somedays i feel my husband dont love me as much anymore but he says he does (link)
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Hi there,
You didn't give us much to go on here. I thought it was odd, that you titled this "sex" but asked about love. Are you confused about them being different things or did you mean to ask why he isn't having sex with you as much as you think he should?
Please re-ask this with some more details, like for instance why exactly you think what you do.
What is he doing, or not doing that you are taking as a lack of love?
Thank you.
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Hi, I would like to know if a moderator or admin could delete my question and the answers it got? The issue my question was about was resolvedquite a while ago, and I don't think it would really help anyone else because the situation was so specific (if you read it). My main concern is that someone may be able to identify me by the question, since I live in a smaller town and my username isn't that creative. So my privacy is my main concern. I would really appreciate it! Thanks (link)
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Hi there,
I would need a link to the question you are talking about.
You probably don't need to worry about this, since your username isn't shown publicly in relation to your question.
The questions are anonymous to the general public, and as such, nobody in your home town can see what you asked. :-)
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who (link)
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I have no idea what you are talking about.
If you need help, please ask a question with a little more detail.
Thanks.
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is it possible to be born with an std even if your parents dont have it? (link)
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No chance.
These things don't come out of thin air. If some guy is telling you this, then he is lying, or his parents lied to him... one or the other.
Good job using your head and asking this before you get in trouble.
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18/F
palm beach, florida. Im not sure what kind of jellyfish are down here right now.
Hello! First Id like to day that the reason Im asking yall this question is because Im on a phone with bad, slow service so its hard for me to search around pages on google. This website loads pretty quickly for me though, so if you could just post the info in your answer thatd be great.
Anywho, sunday afternoon I was stung pretty badly by two jellyfish. One wrapped around my knee and another around my ankle. Its now Wednesday, the swelling is gone on my knee, this is whats left:
-very dark purple jagged marks that are now starting to blister. They look like blood blisters.
-the marks on my ankle are still swollen.
-they kinda tingle sometimes and cause my legs to spasm a bit
-my knee is sore and stiff, like the joint. My ankle and knee feel fatigued.
-they only sting, not itch.
A few questions. How long will the pain, soreness, and stiffness last? Will these scar? Plus I can take benadryl because I HAVE to be wide awake during the day, and be able to wake up at night, so is there a nondrowsy substitute?
THANK YOU! (link)
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Hi there,
I am sorry for your injury! What an awful thing to have happen to you. :-(
In doing a little reading on this, what I found was a great deal of advice that says you should see a doctor immediately.
There are treatments that can help prevent scarring, and the scars from some of the untreated wounds are so scary looking you would hide your legs for life.
The rest of what I found warns of infection forming in the wounds in the stages they are in now, and that this can cost you your life.
My only suggestion, based on that information, is to tell you to seek medical help immediately.
As for the medication you asked about: My problem is that even the non-drowsy ones, or those that are supposed to be non-drowsy anyway, put me out like a light. Sorry, just one more reason to ask a doctor if they can suggest an alternative.
I hope you heal quickly and with minimal scarring.
Good luck!
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Hi I am a female, 17.
My boyfriend is 19.
We both work I work days and his schedule is all over the place. He works usually 7 to 1 or 7 to 5 but somedays he'll work 7 to 7. I work 7 to five.
I don't have a phone it has been broken for nearly a month. I text him on my breaks from my friends phone since she works at my work too. He replies maybe half the time. I ask him usually when I will see him again. Well he usually says he's tired from work and sometimes he's already busy. Well whenever I can't get a hold of him and I know he is off work I just go to his house and surprise him. He never seems to mind and we usually end up falling asleep. Well whenever I want to do something big I ask him at least a week in advanced. I asked him to go camping with our friends and I and he said he had work so I didn't mind. He told me we'd plan another trip but when I asked him about it he said we weren't going to. And every year my friends and I go to California during Christmas break for 5 days and I invited him. My best friend is dating his best friend so I thought it would be fun for us four to go. I asked him and he said he couldn't get work off when it's several months away. Well I told him I am tired of us sitting around at his house and never doing anything and how I want to go out every now and then. He said he is socially uncomfortable. I told him not to keep making up excuses and how I just want us to do exciting things now and then. Of course he never replied so I told him to think about it and that I adored him. He always complains about me not having a phone to talk to him but when I do text him he never replies, and he never ever replies when I ask to hang out. I told him I wanted him to meet my family and he refuses, and I told him we're not going to have sex again until he at least meets my nieces and nephews since they are only here for the summer and I won't see them again until next summer. When I told him that he said he wasn't even going to kiss me, and now when I sleepover he won't kiss me or even touch me unless I get really upset and roll to the other end of the bed. I just don't get him lately. When we first got together he always wanted to do things and hang out and he seemed very interested. I see him maybe 2 times a week. We've been dating three months.
Is this because of his schedule or me being upset with him. How do I get him to become more interested in me. (link)
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Hi there,
I think others have covered most of this, so I only want to throw a few things out there that nobody seemed to address:
One: Guys, almost universally, HATE texting.
"He always complains about me not having a phone to talk to him..." _-_-TALK-_-_
I don't know if that is part of it, but you should ask him. He may not understand that you think sending one line messages on a phone is actually anything like talking.
Why? Well, many reasons really, but the biggest one has to do with talking to women. Conversationally, many women are extremely touchy-feely.
Words mean completely different things depending on how you have your head tilted or if one eyebrow is arched.
With a phone call, at least we have tone of voice to go on.
If you notice, almost every important thing you, or anyone else, has tried to handle through text has turned into a disaster. Now you know why.
As for not wanting to meet the family... Most women don't introduce their men to their family until they are ready to marry that person. He knows this.
Have you considered that after a few months, he has no intention of being ready to marry you at 17?
Inviting him to meet your family is one thing, but threatening him if he refuses, is quite another. That, right there, would have ended any relationship I would be in.
You are, obviously, a very social person. He tried to explain to you that he has trouble meeting new people, and you called what may be a crippling case of social anxiety disorder... "an excuse."
If what he told you is true, and he opened up and told you that... then you through it back in his face that way... well, I don't know if that can be fixed.
Think about it from his perspective: Why would he ever tell you anything personal again, if he thinks you are just going to marginalize his personal problems?
As for the sex thing... I have to tell you that after reading this, it is pretty obvious you guys shouldn't be having sex at all until this situation is completely worked out.
One of the cardinal rules of a relationship is not to use sex as a bargaining chip. Once you start down that road, it is really hard to save a relationship.
He doesn't want to meet your family yet... so how much do you think he is going to want to meet them when you guys have to tell them you are expecting a baby? (Stress lowers the effectiveness of BC by the way, just in case you hadn't heard.)
The last thing I don't think anyone really covered, is something you yourself already put out there:
"Is this because of his schedule or me being upset with him."
Well, when someone is mean to you every time they contact you, insists you do things that you don't want to do, only communicates with you through text, which you hate, and finally tells you that your life-long problem in social settings is nothing more than an excuse... would you want to talk with them anymore?
He must really like you, because I, personally, would dump you on the spot over this. I think most guys probably would in this situation.
So... how about you get together with him and talk all this out in person?
If you are able to salvage the emotional damage caused here, then remember for the future:
All "text" conversations will end badly with him.
If YOU choose to discuss things in txt... YOU are CHOOSING to have a disaster.
Last thing to mention, I suppose, would be the most obvious: You two are very different people. You want to go do very specific things that you find exciting or fun... and these are things that may even cause trauma for him if he has something like SAD.
He like you, obviously, or he wouldn't put up with any of this, but he doesn't like some of the more social elements of your relationship.
If this is something that you can't deal with, and from what you wrote here, that is how it looks, then you will have to end this relationship.
Why? Because as time goes on, this is only going to cause MUCH larger problems between you.
There may be more to all of this, but you will only find out if you talk to him without threatening him again.
Good luck, and I wish you both the very best.
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Hey bud, that link for ytbe about wbste shttng dwn, isnt there anymore, any way to lead me in the right direction?
jdubbed07@hotmail.com (link)
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That user is currently doing prison time for using that information.
You really sure you want to go that route?
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