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gaining his trust back

Question Posted Tuesday August 2 2011, 8:54 pm

my boyfriend of 10 months broke up with me 2 weeks ago. he broke up with me when i was drunk, we got back together the next day and then he broke up with me again 2 days later saying that everything was 'weird'. he broke up with me because i said stupid stuff when i was drunk like that i wanted to be single and other stuff that i didn't mean. anyways, we've been talking a little and he told me he misses me but he doesn't wanna get back together but he's giving me really mixed signals and i think he's still hurt. the last (and pretty much only other time) we broke up it was because he broke up with me when i was drunk and i kissed some random guy at a bar because i was so pissed. he never forgave me for that and he told me that after that he started taking all of the dumb stuff i said about wanting to be single seriously. he says if we ever got back together he would be worried i would cheat on him. he says his feelings for me will never be the same but i don't believe that. i think he's just hurt because he keeps sending me really mixed signals. my question is how i can gain his trust back. i already haven't drank since we broke up (i had been drinking maybe 3 nights a week this summer) and i haven't hooked up with anyone else. i just need to figure out a way to show him i ONLY wanna be with him. because that is truly 100% how i feel. thanks

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DangerNerd answered Thursday August 11 2011, 2:06 pm:

As per your feedback: "i dont need rehab i'm in college..... everyone says stupid things when they're drunk and i never cheated on him maybe YOU need to read the question again"

... I have to thank you. You gave me the biggest laugh I have had in months with the line:

"i dont need rehab i'm in college....."

LOL! Nowhere do you find more people who could benefit from rehab than the average college campus. I want to get that printed on bumperstickers, seriously.

What I got out of your multiple questions, and yes I read more than this one, was that the following happened:

You got drunk, said you wanted to be single, and wanted to have sex with other men. Your boyfriend passed out. You went and hooked up with another guy, or kissed him, or let him kiss you... depending on which version of the story you are telling in the multiple times you have asked this.

In one version you said these things to hurt him because you weren't feeling secure in the relationship and you wanted him to do more, or whatever. In another version you say that these were just "dumb things" you said while you were drunk and you didn't mean to say them.

He now wants nothing more to do with you.

Is that about it?

If so, I stand by what was said below, and if you can read all the different versions of this you have typed, see all the different ways you say it, and really don't think you could benefit from counseling to help you with your insecurities, then you are only fooling yourself.

You have to understand: Paid users can't tell WHO asked a question, but they can see the other questions asked by the same person who asked a question. You are quite the hot topic in my inbox lately... The consensus being that you will just keep twisting the story until you get someone to tell you how wonderful you are and how bad he is.

I answered your question, actually believing that you wanted to be a better person, and in response you basically said you were in college, so this behaviour is ok. It isn't. How can I prove that it isn't ok? Simple:

Are you happy with the end result of your actions?

If not, then what you have done is NOT ok, even if you are in college.

How about we make a deal?

You figure out what really happened.

You don't change your story anymore.

You don't turn anything to make you look better, or him look worse.

You take as much space as you like to write out the question again, and you post it once more.

That will be the end of it. You will get what answers you do, and that is what you get.

Then, if you post it again to get answers you like better, I will simply remove your account.


You see when people post the same question over and over, and it has already been answered adequately, but not what the person wants to hear... people feel like you are wasting their time. That you don't really want help... just someone to agree with you.

When that happens, people write me. I typically then answer the question as best I am able to see if the person is willing to listen to reason.

That is what I did here, and you can see the result.

Please feel free to tell the complete truth, ask your question again, and accept the answers that are given to that question.

While you are at it, would you mind inboxing me to let me know which one the 7 accounts you have here, you would like to keep?


Hi there,

Some of the answers here amaze me. The lonesome12 person apparently didn't even read your question. :-(

Ok, the issue is getting his trust back, right?

Well, I have been through something similar, so I would like to explain a few things from a male perspective.

You said you said things when you were drunk, but you didn't mean them.

That isn't true.

For THAT moment in time, you meant it, or you wouldn't have said it. Period.

Sometimes we get mad and we say things we normally hide, or things we know will hurt the other person.

You said things for one of those two reasons. The more you say you didn't mean it, the more he thinks you are a liar.

Until you sit down and admit that you were insecure in your relationship, and that that is how you felt at the time, every word that comes out of your mouth is a lie, as far as he is concerned.

You MUST take responsibility for your own actions.

See, if you blame everything on booze, then he knows that anytime you have one drink, you are going to cheat on him yet again. Why?

Well, what would you think if your boyfriend left you passed out in a room full of people and went off to make out with another girl because he was mad at you for passing out?

You would never trust him again. Period. And he would be the biggest asshole on Earth for leaving you alone, not knowing if you would die from alcohol poisoning while you were passed out.

If he told you he didn't want to be with you anymore so that he could have sex with other women... how would YOU feel about this? Don't lie. You would dump him on the spot and never talk to him again.

The key here is that IF he did the things to you, that YOU did to him... would you ever trust him again?

Not unless you were stupid.

Well, apparently, he isn't stupid.

Is there any hope? Sure there is!

Get yourself into AA. Why? You are going to have to prove that you are no longer going to be the drunk asshole who abandoned him to make out with someone else.

Get yourself into some counseling. Why? You need to prove that you are you are no longer a person with the crushing insecurities that put you in this position in the first place.

When you can understand that this is not his fault in ANY way, and that your own self hatred and insecurities caused you to wreck this relationship, then maybe there is hope.

Maybe after you get your 1 year sobriety token, he will give you a chance.

With me it would have to be 5 years, before I would even consider it.

The bottom line is this: He may give you a second chance, in a few years, IF you can prove you have changed your ways through rehab and counseling... BUT the trust will never, EVER be fully restored. People don't work like that.

You need to decide if you are ready to change your life and grow up. Not for him, but because you are tired of being a person who makes all women look bad. Because you want to know what it is like to have too much self respect to do the things you have done in the past.

When you want to change, he may give you another chance. If he takes you back any sooner than that, he is an idiot, and you feel free to tell him I said so.

The choice is now in your hands. What will you choose?

[ DangerNerd's advice column | Ask DangerNerd A Question

JustJessOx answered Tuesday August 9 2011, 9:32 pm:
Your question was unclear.. When you said you kissed a guy because you were "pissed" It implied wasted I apologize for being so harsh I interpreted that as he broke up with you because you kissed some other guy because you were so drunk.
I still stand by what I said to a certain extent that you shouldn't be saying you want to be single when you are with him but if you never cheated on him that's fair enough and I'm sorry If it seemed judgmental but the way you wrote that it can be misinterpreted.

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Lonesome12 answered Thursday August 4 2011, 5:58 pm:
what? he broke up with you when you were drunk? BIG BAD SIGN! WHO DOES THAT?
Everything was ''weird'' instaed of protecting and helping his drunk girlfriend , he dumps you twice? wow.. pathetic
you were drunk.. you obviously didnt mean it...
when he says a ''but'' its BAD NEWS , WATCH OUT!
yes ghes hurt because you were drunk and didnt mean to say some things.. thats the stjupidest thing I ever heard.. wow.. well where was he? when you were drunkj.. a good boyfriend should be by your side.. taking you away from other guys.. he should be mad at himself...
have you ever cheated on him before when you were NOT drunk or said those things where you were NOT drunk.. did you always be honest about how you felt about him? if you did well then theres no reason why he should not trust you if you didnt you should start being honest and your drunkness might spelt out the truth maybe thats what HE thought.. but trust me he should be there when YOUR drunk.. what guy would let his girl go alone drunk with others... for all you know you could have ended up in a really bad scenerio.. and where was he?
well everyone drinks.. why would he have mixed signals? he shouldnt unless his feelings have changed for you.. and you need to sit down and talk to him abotu what I just told you and what you told me.. communication is key and sit him down comfy and give him something to drink what he likes the most and look into his eyes the whole time you speak and eye contact and body posture toward him so you know full attention towards him and show him you care about this and that you want him to trust you ... well you just said it all in your last two sentences..please reconsider and talk to him he should know better... he might be a little immature but you need to tell him go out with him dont look at or talk about anyone.. BUT HIM show him do something for him thats meaningful to him you only know best..


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ashiebuggie92 answered Wednesday August 3 2011, 2:13 pm:
yeah well be in his shoes of course he is hurt you would be too what you really need to do is STOP drinking sounds like he really loves you but he isnt going to stick around if you dont stop drinking thats about the only times he has broken up with you so if you really wanna be with him let the booze go

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Lovelife101 answered Wednesday August 3 2011, 1:22 am:
He truly cares for you and loves you. He is just hurt right now and needs space to figure things out. Trust is everything in a relationship and once its messed up its hard to gain back. but its possibly. You just need to sit down, the two of you and talk. You need to confront and let him know honestly how you feel. You need to tell him that sometimes you have to lose the people you love the most, to realize just how important they are to you. And that you came to a big realization just how much you loved him and dont want to be with anyone. All you can do is apologize and hope he will accept it. He might not right off the bat but eventually, when he is ready, he will. You have to be patient with him and show him how much you care. By doing little things that remind of the good times you shared. For instance, when i cheated on my boyfriend of now 10 months he forgived me. But to gain back his trust i cut out the people who made our relationship crackle out of my life. I also reminded him of the good times we had together, whether it was going to the lake where we shared many afternoons at and nights laying in the back of his truck just talking. Or taking him to the place we first met for a surprise, or playing our songs in his truck. i made it very apparent i was here for him this time around fully and ready. I hope this helps :) best of wishes!

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SafeWithMe12 answered Tuesday August 2 2011, 10:11 pm:
It's crazy because my best friend actually just went through the same situation. Drinking can make you do silly things, and well its a lesson to be learned here. You don't have to stop drinking, just don't drink as much to the point where you can't control yourself or what you say. My advice to you is take this a step at a time, tell him that you want to start over. Go on a date to the movies, or out for pizza, something fun, talk about everything like if it was your very first date. Make him remember why he fell in love with you in the first place. Prove to him that he is the only one you want in your life, despite everything you went through. He is hurt from the first time, and now a second time. Learn from your mistakes, and if you really want this to work, it will take a lot of patience and effort. Trust me is it worth it. don't give up. I hope i helped girl !

[ SafeWithMe12's advice column | Ask SafeWithMe12 A Question

Sweet_LiL_Angel answered Tuesday August 2 2011, 9:40 pm:
Quit drinking all together. Ive been told drunk words are sober thoughts weather or not that is try or not. If you really love this man than you need to put all effort into a relationship with him. Spend a lot more time with him and little less time with your friends. You need to explain to him. I am sorry for the thing a I did and the words I spoke to you. I am going to quit drinking and spend more time with you Ill do anything to make this relationship.

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