A quick note: If I answered a question and you have further questions for me, please include a URL link to your original question(s) so that I can be sure of what we're talking about. Questions that reference something we talked about a week ago that I can't quite remember are kinda hard to answer.
Welcome to my column.
I don't apologize for my answers. I speak to the audience, and in doing so I sometimes tell the audience things they don't want to hear or cant handle.
I believe in stands on principle. I believe that doing right for the sake of doing right is a good way to live. I believe in self awareness and encourage it in others. I offer the most unbiased viewpoint I have. And yes, I am only human.
Im going to tell you what I think you need to hear. You are not supposed to take what I say and follow it. You are supposed to take what I say and _think_about_it_
Oh, and feel free to ask me questions, but netspeak, ebonics, terrible grammar, and your teen angst about a crush will be ignored.
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Member Since: July 16, 2007
Answers: 2588
Last Update: April 13, 2014
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I went skinning dipping at the lake area last weekend with this guy I know. We fooled around in the water and he did cum. My period was due yesterday but it hasn't started. Can you get pregnant by skinny dipping like this? (link)
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Mustachio is the only intelligent answer.
Possible, one in ten million chance that it actually happened.
Sperm does not die instantly under any circumstances. Water, air, all that crap is myth. Even spermicide is not 100% effective at destroying every one of the millions of sperm present during a single orgasm.
However, sperm also cannot see or navigate. The reason there are millions is so that one of the millions happens to swim in the right directions. Sperm released into the water doesn't know and can't find your vagina. It would have to drift in there by happenstance, survive all the way up, and you'd have to be fertile. Long, long odds.
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My wife and I have had 2 miscarriages in the past 18 months. She informed me yesterday that she does not ever want to have sex again and would rather be partners than lovers. we have had sex 3 times since the last miscarriage, which was well over 3 months ago. For some reason neither of us feel that spark that we used to. What should I do? (link)
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Relationship counseling for both of you and therapy for her. The refusal to have sex ever again and wanting to be "partners not lovers" is not going to fly unless you want to be miserable.
Miscarriages are traumatic. She needs to see a professional because developing avoidant behaviors for something like sex is going to be severely scarring in the long run.
Understand that this could take years to work out. Understand that if she refuses to ever have sex again that is likely going to be the death of your relationship. Relationship counseling might help you fix the relationship, or it might help you realize and accept that things are over. Do the best you can, but point blank it is not your job to accept and live with irrational emotional decisions like this, even when made for genuinely traumatic reasons.
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I feel so behind and uninspired. I just cannot make myself get up and go to class. I'm a freshman and three weeks into college. I'm not determined like I usually am. Any advice?
Thanks (link)
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Came here to say the same thing Rahzie said. I wasn't inspired my freshman year either. Grades slipped from the usual As to Bs and Cs, had a falling out with the family over it.
If college isn't where you want to be drop out and get some shit job. Spend a year or two working for hourly wages. Trust me, at some point you'll realize that you're making less than 25k a year and decide you want to do SOMETHING that lets you earn enough money to actually have a life.
Then you can hit college with the actual desire to accomplish something.
Do not waste your or anyone else's money on something you don't want right now.
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My boyfriend is a great guy. He's cute, pre-med, and my best friend in the whole world. We're 23 and talking marriage. We've been together 5 years, since college, and we are the only ones who know each other as the 18 year old kids we were when we met, and the adults we've turned into. We're each other's "first" for everything and I do love him and he loves me. He's my first and only boyfriend. BUT-- I don't feel passionately in love with him and little things about him frustrate me. I wonder if we have all the signs to end up like a typical married couple who don't talk or have sex because we don't have intense passion now, when we're 23. We have great sex and we have fun when we're together but I get annoyed by little things and we squabble like brother and sister sometimes. Am I just being naive because I don't have the rocky past to compare him to? Should I hold out for all-consuming passion and romance? (link)
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You're trying to live in a little girl's fantasy world.
Passion must be created, fostered, and maintained. Frustration is normal, natural, and must be addressed.
You're being incredibly naive. Relationships are not supposed to be the excitement in your life. Contrary to popular belief, it is not your significant other's responsibility to provide thrills and passion and romance. It's their responsibility to share the passion and romance inherent in your lives with you.
The typical married couple exists that way because one or both parties expect to find someone who "completes" them. Look at that idea. So, you're not your own person alone? What about that fosters a good relationship?
You don't feel passionately in love with him. What would make you feel that way? Where would that come from? Are you sitting there waiting to be thrilled? Because that's not how this works.
Part of this problem is that you don't have that rocky past, just as you said. I've dated some complete bitches. My wife's dated some worthless losers. When we got together, we each knew we'd found quality in the other person.
You've found it, but because you've never seen how shitty people can be as significant others you're not appreciating it.
Squabbling is normal. If you want less disconnection because you fight, then talk to him about it. Work on it. In the middle of pointless bickering stop, look at him, tell him you don't want to fight with him, and try to drop it and be more affectionate.
Also keep in mind that affection, love, and passion are a two way street. Sometimes one of you will piss off or upset the other and kill the connection. Sometimes one of you will be consumed with other worries and will just not be in the mood to be social and loving. You need to foster communication between you two so that you capitalize on the times when you're in sync and can deal with the times when you aren't.
But I will promise you one thing.
If you leave this guy, you'll find passion and romance. It'll last six months or less, before you a) lose the honeymoon phase and move on to a new guy who's willing to be your excitement for a while or b) you realize that you miss the friendship more than you missed the passion and spend time trying to find someone who will fill the role your current boyfriend already does.
Long term relationships aren't about passion OR romance. They're about trust, love, friendship, and someone who is an ally against the world. Passion and romance are the icing, the parts of the relationship you work to keep alive because they provide the fun and fluff that make your best friend also be a way to escape life and it's hassles for a while.
Relationships are work. Hold out for all consuming passion and you'll learn the hard way that it doesn't last forever no matter who you date.
You want excitement, go create some with him. Connection does not maintain itself.
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My bf is just turned 24 and I really REALLY like him a whole lot, hes so funny. The thing is I told him I had just turned 18 yrs old. That isn't the truth tho. I'm really almost 15. I guess you could say I developed fast and am mature for my age? haha Anyways, he totally believes I'm 18 and I kind of feel bad because my bff just said it's illegal to date when he's so old and he can go to prison for it. He hasnt ever been to jail. idk what do I do? My mom don't know I'm dating even tho. (link)
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Do not see him again. Do not talk to him over the phone. Send him a text or e-mail that says "I lied, I'm 15, and we can't see each other, don't contact me again"
You could literally destroy his life. Never do this again.
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okay, so me and my boyfriend were seeing eachother for a month and a half-two months and then have been offically dating for a little over two months now. well, we spent alot of time together over these past four months and grew extermely close to eachother and about a week ago, we had sex. my first time, not his. after when i went home, he texted me asking if i was okay and how i felt about it and that he felt it was really right and is "super about me all day", which i thought was really sweet to say.
but then after that, i stayed over for like, four days and the first couple were fine but then he started seeming a little distant. he didn't greet me his usual good morning or give me a kiss, didn't hold my hand at all, just didnt' do the little things he used to do. he still calls me "dear" and things, though. just not AS much.
i don't know if this is jsut me being paranoid, i always heard after your first time with someone, you're going to get very emotionally attached to them which i know has happened. but is this all just in my head? cause then i started thinknig well maybe because of the fact we have sex now, he feels like he doesn't have to be as romantic verbally or anything (though i think he should still be).
i'm just asking for opinions on this situation, what would you do? and i feel like i want to talk to him about it, but i'm worried i'm going to come off like this demanding naggnig girl or somethnig. (link)
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You should not confront him. You would be nagging and demanding.
Welcome to the end of the honeymoon phase and the beginning of "comfort". He likely doesn't feel like he needs to go to all efforts to win you over. You're already won. If you're having sex you should grow up enough to realize that before sex guys feel like they're on an evaluation table (two days of comfort causing you to feel like you're missing something you deserve and wanting to talk about it with him being an example of why we feel that way) and after the fact that you like us starts to really sink in and we relax.
This is how dating works. What you don't realize is that the point you're seeking is that comfort. Spending four days around someone you get used to them. You relax around them. You don't feel like you need to impress them, and instead just try to enjoy yourself around them.
And you killed it by feeling like he's required to be more verbally demonstrative whether he feels it that moment or not. People do not spend their lives wandering around like lovestruck idiots. You should grow up a little bit and realize that no guy is going to spend all his time around you turning to emotional mush.
You have an entitlement problem. It was two days and you feel like you need to confront him. Obviously a young relationship, if two days is a significant enough time period to feel like a small change in behavior warrants a confrontation. Chill out. Talk to him more. Realize that he's human, and that over the course of four days he's got the right to calm down and not be "trying to win you over" every second he's around you after he should have already won you over.
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I don't know what to do with him! I found out from my bff that my bf made a facebook group thing about our relationshp. I went and red a few things on it and it is personal and nothing anybody should know but us so I told him I knew he had a secret he was keeping from me but not what it was so he would tell me or something but he didn't. i kinda thought that he posted stuff and didn't think it was bad and I wanted to give him chances to say so but he just said he didnt have no secrets so i went back to read the rest and he had made it private only so now it is hidden from me.
I guess what I am asking is if he didn't think this was wrong why did he hide it when i found out? He still denies everything and now i got no proof because i cant see it anymore!!! i have been crying about this and i feel betrayed like he has a secret life on facebook or something! should i stay with him if he isn't going to be honest and still hides things?
Sorry if this is too long! (link)
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If you're not comfy with what he did and you can't discuss it rationally, yeah you should probably leave.
That said, facebook drama is stupid. If this is all it takes to comprise a "secret life" you're both incredibly sheltered. Depending on the information shared he could have been a total ass or you could be blowing this completely out of proportion. I don't know. Your "I know you have a secret" bullshit is immature. If you have a problem with someone you're dating, confront them with the same honesty you're expecting them to display. Creating tests for him to fail is no way to conduct a relationship.
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My boyfriend and I had a bit of a fall out a few months ago and we nearly broke up, just something about that happened in the past. He said that we should stay together, forget the past and look to the future, he thinks we've got something good.
Well I've been thinking about the words "look to the future" and I'm not entirely sure what he meant by that.
We've been seeing each other since January, and I'm 19 and he is 24 if that means anything.
I mean this means that we're going to last and its getting serious, right?
Thanks (link)
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You're over analyzing. More than likely it just means he wants to move on from the crap you've been giving each other.
You're more than six months in. If you want to know what's going on, ask him. Reading what you want to hear into the things he says is just going to create resentment if/when he doesn't do what you want and make yourself expect.
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OK! I am totally freaking out because I came home and the house was quiet and I was being stupid I guess and just walked right into my brothers room without knocking because I didn't think he was home and I wanted to borrow one of these sweatshirts he has that are really comfortable and he was totally jacking off like right there when I opened the door. I slammed the door and ran to my room because that is DISGUSTING. Now I can't even THINK about him without wanting to vomit. What do I do now? Do I confront him? Should I say something about him being a nasty perv? I KNOW HE KNOWS I SAW but he hasn't come out of his room and said anything to me. This is so gross. (link)
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I realize you're his sister but this is pretty judgmental.
Something like 85% of men masturbate, and 65% of women. That's all men, by the way. The numbers climb during teenage-hood, puberty, and hormones. Statistically it's a 100% certainty that one of your grandfathers masturbates. Get over it. People are sexual, that doesn't stop because they're family and it doesn't make them disgusting any more than it makes the guys you think are hot (who all masturbate) disgusting.
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When I say my friend, I honestly mean my friend. Here's the situation...
Her boss calls her a lesbian. She sets her up in situations that she knows will get her in trouble, she makes her clock out and go across the street to go buy her lunch. She talks about her personal [sex] life all the time. (She's either a total whore or a pathological liar.) She's rude to the customers and she brings her friends into work. (And introduces my friend as a lesbian).
I know she's talked to her boss and it hasn't worked. She's also talked to her boss' boss, and she told my friend to "loosen up!"
I think this whole situation is totally unprofessional and inappropriate. And I really want to help my friend find a way to stop the harassment she's experiencing at work.
Thank you so much for any help you can give.
--Jack (link)
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:Edit:
I forget about state differences. In Texas it's perfectly legal to tape a conversation so long as one party is aware it's being recorded. It's just also legal for your employer to fire you for taping them cause of the whole "at will" thing.
Check your state. Might be legal, might not.
:/edit:
Go out, buy a small recorder. Have your friend wear it for a week or two, to build up a background bunch of crap from as many people as possible.
Then have her confront her boss politely about it. When the boss is an ass, take it up to the bosses boss, just like you've already done. If one of them starts doing something offensive or ridiculous, have her try to get them to talk about it.
Get every bit on tape. Take those tapes to a law firm and see if you've got a case for hostile work environment, harassment, etc.
If not, put in a call to the highest person you can find, preferably in human resources, and get them copies of the recordings.
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Okay so I'm a 19 year old female. A little history on my situation. There is this guy that is apart of the hip hop company with me in a professional dance company. He has made it very obvious that he has feelings for me and has even told me this. I get creeped out by him because he is so straight forward. He will text me asking what I'm wearing like every night, and he is just a creep. Anyway, last night one of the girls in our dance company had a party. I am usually not a partier but since it was with this group of people I did not see the big deal. I took about 6 shots if not more and needless to say I was very drunk. Everyone knows how much I get creeped out by this guy and regardless of this fact they left me alone with him. I passed out on my friends bed and when I woke up I was on her couch and he was on top of me. We started making out for a long time which I know was stupid on my part but I was so drunk that it didn't even matter. The next thing I know he took off my pants and started fingering me. I am unfortunately not a very outspoken person and I didn't tell him to stop. Before I knew it he was trying to have sex with me. I wasn't sure what was going on until I felt him go inside of me and again I just kind of laid there not knowing what to do. I know that this is all my fault because I didn't say no....... but he knew how drunk I was and I just feel so taken advantage of. To make it worse, this is how I lost my virginity...... I need to talk to him and let him know that that was not okay. I have to see him on a regular basis and I just don't know what I should say to him.... I feel SO stupid about this situation. I am a girl who never gets mixed up in this type of drama. I have talked to many of my friends about it, but I need outside advice....... (link)
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First, talk to a professional. You're going to have a ton of mixed up feelings that need to be dealt with.
Rahzie is right. You were victimized. The encounter was classified as rape most places when you woke up with him on top of you, regardless of what happened after. Intoxication just seals that, but the fact is that this wasn't a "we got too drunk together and I did things I wish I hadn't" situation. You woke up disoriented and drunk with a guy on top of you in a different room from where you last remembered yourself. That is all kinds of fucked.
You need to think about pressing charges. I can't tell you you should, I don't know if you want to deal with that, if there's enough evidence to make it stick, or what it would do to the rest of your life considering that you work with him.
I agree that face to face is a bad idea. Send him an e-mail or something. Something you can record and save. Tell him that what he did went past every boundary of acceptable behavior you have and that from this point on he is to leave you the hell alone. Tell him that he's a creep and that if he ever touches you again you'll press charges.
Do not respond to any responses. Just save them along with your e-mail. If he ever bothers you again, you've got the e-mails.
Get help. You've got alot of crap to sort through, so talk to someone who knows how. Talk to several people, find a counselor or psyche who listens to you, and bring up your lack of assertiveness as a problem you need some help with.
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Okay, I'm 16 & a female. I'm also bisexual & my boyfriend can't accept the fact that I'm bi. He says he wishes I liked ONLY guys & stuff like that. Then he says that he hates gays, lesbians, bisexuals & it hurts. But then my bigsissy ( well that's what I call her ) can't stand the fact that I'm bisexual either. Like when I told her, she said you spent the night over my house & we slept in the same bed together, you could've touched me. Like I mean really? I'm not attracted to every female/male I see, so that doesn't mean I'll touch them. It just hurts, plus when I hang with both of them, they high 5 each other for disliking me being bisexual. "/ what should I do? (link)
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I agree with the below. Being bisexual (or any sexual orientation) is not a temporary thing. Which means your relationship with this dick definitely is.
I'm guessing bigsissy is a friend. Bring it up. Tell her that you are what you are and she can stop bringing it up as a negative or you won't be spending much time around her anymore. And get a sleeping bag so you can hang out on the floor if you spend the night.
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can children go naked at the beach (link)
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The hassle of diapers and bathing suits is less than sand in baby privates. I mean, in the name of practicality and keeping the infection rate down, why not put them in something?
If they're old enough to run around put them in something.
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im 20 yr old male. almost 21
i have some sort of personality disorder. i dont feel like myself. and im always tired... not to mention i dont feel emotions, like emotions dont exist. do you think it is possible for me to fall in love when i cant feel anything... like maybe she changes me. maybe she shows me soo much love that i cant help but to love back... ive been online dated many times and we end up going out for a month or two and then i give up cuz i dont feel anything.. and i end up breaking the girls heart... i dont want to break any my hearts... i dont want to hurt anyone... so what do you think?
u can email me osherman789 on gmail (link)
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No one is going to fix you. And any relationship you enter where that's what you want out of it, you'll break more hearts. You make it their job to get a reaction out of you, and it's their failure when it doesn't happen.
Nothing good will ever come of that.
You need therapy. Self diagnosed personality disorders never turn out well. You're introverted, probably depressed. You don't sound emotionless you sound emotionally drained.
A trained therapist can help you figure out if you're depressed, if you're missing some brain chemicals, etc etc. Find a counselor, talk to someone. Opening up is a process that you have to begin, if you keep waiting for someone to light the fires you'll be sitting there alone for the rest of your life.
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can i get pregnant if i had sex on 3, 4 sept and my periods are due on 11th sept. (link)
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Not only can you, it's relatively likely.
Wait two weeks, buy a pregnancy test. Getting your period is no guarantee.
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We were learning in school about Native American Indians and what they believed before we took over the land and everything. I know from childhood they used to show Indians doing rain dances for their crops. My teacher was answering a question and said they really did do raindances to bring on the rain from the rain god or something. Maybe this is stupid and maybe it's not but do rain dances really cause it to rain? I don't get it. (link)
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Common misconception.
Rain Dances were not meant to make it rain that day. They didn't call down clouds from the sky. Rain Dances were an organized form of communal prayer. They'd dance on a regular basis to encourage rains throughout their planting season.
By their logic, they dance throughout the planting season, and the rains eventually come. It wasn't a spell to bring water from the sky, it was just a group of people showing organized reverence for the powers they believed controlled the world around them.
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ohk well im 13 , and im a sexual person with both genders . i feel as if im a slut but i cant help not to do stuff with people . and i hate it when people call me a slut . like if they were sexually active they would prollly be the same way . sex feels great . it sucks tho that im only 13 and i already had sex . im moore mature than most girls in my grade . i have all older friends that are in 11th 10th grades and so on. can you guys help me thanks (: (link)
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You can't be sexually liberated at 13. You don't have an adult frame of reference to understand the world around you.
You're actually less mature than your friends. They understand that they aren't ready for sex and abstain. You think that because you're physically capable and enjoy it that you're ready.
Having friends a few years up in high school doesn't make you more mature. Maybe a little more intelligent than average, maybe a little better at insinuating yourself into social situations, maybe a little more manipulative.
You said you can't help not to do stuff. That's bad. Why can't you say no? Because the people you're associating with who freely have sex with a 13 year old wouldn't want you around if you weren't sexual?
Sex is your in. It's how you "prove" you're able to hang with the older crowd. Act like an adult and others might even sometimes pretend you are one, but you aren't. You aren't old or experienced enough to know when you're being used. You don't have enough self esteem to care. You just like the way sex feels, and like the feeling of being liked that others give when you're willing to be freely sexual with them.
Thing is, giving sex is not a foundation for respect.
No respect means that the decent guys won't come anywhere near you. It means the shitty ones will flock to you hoping for a free lay up until you become the girl that everyone's had and people go to when they can't get any anywhere else.
No respect means that your friends will be friends of convenience, and when you aren't convenient they'll leave.
Something you should know about people. They become used to a continuing situation quickly, no matter how out of the ordinary. If someone parked a tank in your neighborhood, the first day everyone would be talking about it and looking, and a month later no one would even see the thing when they pass it by.
It's the same with you. If you give sex freely, soon people will just expect it of you. People will want more from you in order to even like you and want to be around you. You'll have to give them sex, and other things. If you build all of your relationships on your willingness to give people something, everyone will expect you to give them everything. Everyone who expects anything of you at all, at least.
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18/f
I've been sheltered by my parents, so all I know is t-shirts and jeans. Now that I'm out on my own, I want to find pretty clothes that are actually flattering and make me feel attractive rather than frumpy. I don't even know where to start... I don't know anything about buying cute underwear or picking out sexy bras, much less what kinds of clothes would look good on my body shape (5'2, extra weight around my stomach, bra size 38C) It's just overwhelming and I feel discouraged when I walk into the mall because I am clueless. (link)
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Bring a girlfriend. Or a gay dude. Knowing nothing about fashion or matching or anything, this is my solution and it works well for me.
If you take a girl, pick one who dresses somewhat like you want to. Though, tops and bottoms are way more important than sexy underwear. The underwear is for people who are going to get to see it, the rest is for the world, so focus on the rest.
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so i'm a freshman in college and i feel like all my friends are just throwing themselves out there, like its the college thing to do. but i don't like being a slut, i'm the only one whos still a virgin because i feel like i haven't found the right guy yet. even all the guys i've messed around with i've felt a connection with, like i actually cared about them. i'm not into one night stands but i feel left out when all my friends talk about it:/ not to brag but i am a pretty girl and guys do try to get with me but i'm just not into it, i want a serious boyfriend...what should i do? (link)
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This is easy. Flirt, but don't live down to expectations. Go hang out at parties, and instead of nights in the bedroom give out your number to the guy who's piqued your interest.
When you want there to be a connection before sex, you give a guy an opportunity to make one. You don't take off your clothes until you're ready but you let him know you like him and want to do things with him. If you meet him drunk you hang out with him sober the next time to establish you like him as more than just a male party favor.
Set your expectations, wear them on your sleeve, and someone will step up. If you want a boyfriend, let guys you're interested know that you want a boyfriend, and some of them will rise to the challenge. If a guy is too forward it's alright to tell him something like "I don't sleep with people I don't know and trust, but I'd like to get to know you, so call me tomorrow". Just because all guys want sex doesn't mean that's all most guys want. But when you're in a situation where sex is the logical end point to them and you turn it down, they'll think you're interested in nothing.
Let them know that's not the case, and guys will respond accordingly.
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Ok so my parents are getting me my own computer for school. The computer will be used for homework (writing papers) and the sims 2. How much spac do you think I need? Would 4gb be enough?
Sims 2 games system requirements need thi space..
Ram: 256 mb or more
Hard drive: atleast 5.5gb of free space.
What's a good computer brand at a good price? (link)
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Mac or Dell.
I'll assume Dell, because Windows is the dominating operating system.
You can go to Dell.com and get all kinds of set ups custom built, or pick a prebuilt. They take forever, fair warning, but the computer you get is usually well put together and no PC dealer beats their warranties. For all the pain in the ass they can be getting a laptop replaced because someone else spilt liquid on it is nice.
The lowest end hard drives come with around 250 gigs of hard drive space. Cheap as hell, but you can get more if you want. Take 100 gigs or more for your hard drive.
RAM is something different. That's where your programs run, and if Vista has taught us anything you can't ever get too much RAM. 1 gig min, 2 gigs recommended.
Video card will be mentioned. The standard Dell cards are 512 megs. Plenty for you and sims 2. If you check their website, you can see a list of computer deals anywhere from 400 to 1000, for computers with 3 gigs of ram, 500 gig hard drives, etcs.
Go pick a computer that's 300 dollars, add a video card to it, get a monitor and keyboard, and you're good to go.
http://www.dell.com/content/topics/segtopic.aspx/deals/popular_desktops?c=us&cs=19&l=en&s=dhs&~ck=mn&redirect=1
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