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Taken advantage of..
Okay so I'm a 19 year old female. A little history on my situation. There is this guy that is apart of the hip hop company with me in a professional dance company. He has made it very obvious that he has feelings for me and has even told me this. I get creeped out by him because he is so straight forward. He will text me asking what I'm wearing like every night, and he is just a creep. Anyway, last night one of the girls in our dance company had a party. I am usually not a partier but since it was with this group of people I did not see the big deal. I took about 6 shots if not more and needless to say I was very drunk. Everyone knows how much I get creeped out by this guy and regardless of this fact they left me alone with him. I passed out on my friends bed and when I woke up I was on her couch and he was on top of me. We started making out for a long time which I know was stupid on my part but I was so drunk that it didn't even matter. The next thing I know he took off my pants and started fingering me. I am unfortunately not a very outspoken person and I didn't tell him to stop. Before I knew it he was trying to have sex with me. I wasn't sure what was going on until I felt him go inside of me and again I just kind of laid there not knowing what to do. I know that this is all my fault because I didn't say no....... but he knew how drunk I was and I just feel so taken advantage of. To make it worse, this is how I lost my virginity...... I need to talk to him and let him know that that was not okay. I have to see him on a regular basis and I just don't know what I should say to him.... I feel SO stupid about this situation. I am a girl who never gets mixed up in this type of drama. I have talked to many of my friends about it, but I need outside advice.......
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This was your fault. From the beginning you should have avoided him. You went to a party he was at. You got drunk. You knowingly made out with him and let him fuck you. He told you all along he had the hots for you. You have a clear memory of the events and said you could have stopped him if you wanted to. Rape? I think not. Poor judgement on your part? Yes! You better tell this guy to stay away from you from now on, and stay away from situations that make you more vulnerable. You don't say anything about your current sex life so in a way you might have allowed it to happen just because you needed the contact that everyone does. Learn from this. Protect yourself from disease and pregnancy. Masturbate more often to control your desire. Good luck.
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First, talk to a professional. You're going to have a ton of mixed up feelings that need to be dealt with.
Rahzie is right. You were victimized. The encounter was classified as rape most places when you woke up with him on top of you, regardless of what happened after. Intoxication just seals that, but the fact is that this wasn't a "we got too drunk together and I did things I wish I hadn't" situation. You woke up disoriented and drunk with a guy on top of you in a different room from where you last remembered yourself. That is all kinds of fucked.
You need to think about pressing charges. I can't tell you you should, I don't know if you want to deal with that, if there's enough evidence to make it stick, or what it would do to the rest of your life considering that you work with him.
I agree that face to face is a bad idea. Send him an e-mail or something. Something you can record and save. Tell him that what he did went past every boundary of acceptable behavior you have and that from this point on he is to leave you the hell alone. Tell him that he's a creep and that if he ever touches you again you'll press charges.
Do not respond to any responses. Just save them along with your e-mail. If he ever bothers you again, you've got the e-mails.
Get help. You've got alot of crap to sort through, so talk to someone who knows how. Talk to several people, find a counselor or psyche who listens to you, and bring up your lack of assertiveness as a problem you need some help with.
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I have been in a similar situation. The trouble is, because you didn't actually say 'no' (and neither did I), everything gets a little hazy.
The first thing you need to do is book yourself in for an STD test. If you miss your next period, you should also take a pregnancy test. It's unlikely this guy used a condom.
I second Razhie's notion that he does not deserve a face to face confrontation. In my situation, I sent the guy a message on Facebook. I'd strongly recommend threatening to report him to the police. You don't have to follow through with it, but it will shake him up and make him understand the severity of what he did. Make it very clear that you are uncomfortable and that you want nothing else to do with him.
The fact that you are in a dance company with him bothers me. Is there anyone in charge who you can make aware of the situation? If you'd rather not give them the details, could you at least tell them that this guy is making you feel uncomfortable? If there is any way you can be separated from him it'd probably be a good idea to do it. I know that every time I saw the guy who did this to me I felt physically sick. You don't deserve to be made to feel uncomfortable at work.
You might find it helpful to talk to someone about what happened to help you get over it. A friend or even a professional counciller - if you go to school/college there will probably be one you can see for free.
Try to learn from this. It's all too easy to do things we regret when we drink and the results are often negative. I actually gave up drinking for a long time after it happened to me. Obviously you don't have to do that but you should be aware of your surroundings and the people you are with when you drink and preferably ensure you are not left alone.
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Although the legal defination differs slightly from state to state, and country to country, in most places you'd be able to press rape charges agianst this man. You were passing out. You were not capable of giving consent.
This was not your fault. You were victimized.
In your situation, if you aren't comfortable getting the law involved, this is what I'd do:
I wouldn't speak to him about this. I'd write a letter or e-mail. I'd tell him very clearly that I thought his behavoir was creepy and did not want to have sex with him. I'd tell him he took advantage of me while I was passing out drunk and it was absolutely wrong of him to do that. I'd tell him to please not speak to me agianst except when absolutely nessicary to for work or school. I would tell him that he is not welcome to call, or text, or try and contact me online.
There are two reasons I'd do this over an e-mail: The first is that he doesn't deserve a face-to-face confrontation, and you don't need to go through the stress or fear of that either. The second is that if he does harass you later on, you'll have the e-mail as evidence of what happened and how you dealt with it at the time.
Also, look into some counseling for yourself. Even if you don't believe you were technically raped, you are going to go through exactly the same emotional struggle as though you were. You deserve the support of a proffesional.
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First understand one thing....the concept of sex for males is totally different as it is for females....specially in early 20's and teenage.
i remember that i just wanted to have sex just anyway...without wasting my time on a girl or having some real feelings for her...so that's what i would do...i would start chatting with a girl and in no time tell her that i like her alot and the next thing on my mind is SEX...
i know it sounds preety unfair...in no time i realised how wrong it is..and now my perception of sex is totally changed...now i dont want to hurt any girl anymore...Now there's one girl and i'm taking real slow with her, and whatever the way she likes....
So my advice for you is.......Go talk to him, tell him that you didn't want this to happen and it was a mistake..and he should not take you that easy ... i hope that he understands
OR before saying something discover about him..Talk to him like before and see if his behaviour is changed or he has the same feelings for you.........If he still cares then just take it forward without runing anything..but if he ignores then try to make him understand....if he does understand then good for both of you but if he doesn't then just try to forget as if it was a mistake and live your life forward .....
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