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Should I stick with my first boyfriend or hope for someone better?
My boyfriend is a great guy. He's cute, pre-med, and my best friend in the whole world. We're 23 and talking marriage. We've been together 5 years, since college, and we are the only ones who know each other as the 18 year old kids we were when we met, and the adults we've turned into. We're each other's "first" for everything and I do love him and he loves me. He's my first and only boyfriend. BUT-- I don't feel passionately in love with him and little things about him frustrate me. I wonder if we have all the signs to end up like a typical married couple who don't talk or have sex because we don't have intense passion now, when we're 23. We have great sex and we have fun when we're together but I get annoyed by little things and we squabble like brother and sister sometimes. Am I just being naive because I don't have the rocky past to compare him to? Should I hold out for all-consuming passion and romance?
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I think all the other post have covered this very well but I just want to add something.
If you have any doubts that this isn't going to work out than you shouldn't get married to him. You are already questioning all kinds of stuff and any problems you have now are only gonna become bigger issues in the future.
From reading your question it sounds like you need to move on as hard as that may be.
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You're trying to live in a little girl's fantasy world.
Passion must be created, fostered, and maintained. Frustration is normal, natural, and must be addressed.
You're being incredibly naive. Relationships are not supposed to be the excitement in your life. Contrary to popular belief, it is not your significant other's responsibility to provide thrills and passion and romance. It's their responsibility to share the passion and romance inherent in your lives with you.
The typical married couple exists that way because one or both parties expect to find someone who "completes" them. Look at that idea. So, you're not your own person alone? What about that fosters a good relationship?
You don't feel passionately in love with him. What would make you feel that way? Where would that come from? Are you sitting there waiting to be thrilled? Because that's not how this works.
Part of this problem is that you don't have that rocky past, just as you said. I've dated some complete bitches. My wife's dated some worthless losers. When we got together, we each knew we'd found quality in the other person.
You've found it, but because you've never seen how shitty people can be as significant others you're not appreciating it.
Squabbling is normal. If you want less disconnection because you fight, then talk to him about it. Work on it. In the middle of pointless bickering stop, look at him, tell him you don't want to fight with him, and try to drop it and be more affectionate.
Also keep in mind that affection, love, and passion are a two way street. Sometimes one of you will piss off or upset the other and kill the connection. Sometimes one of you will be consumed with other worries and will just not be in the mood to be social and loving. You need to foster communication between you two so that you capitalize on the times when you're in sync and can deal with the times when you aren't.
But I will promise you one thing.
If you leave this guy, you'll find passion and romance. It'll last six months or less, before you a) lose the honeymoon phase and move on to a new guy who's willing to be your excitement for a while or b) you realize that you miss the friendship more than you missed the passion and spend time trying to find someone who will fill the role your current boyfriend already does.
Long term relationships aren't about passion OR romance. They're about trust, love, friendship, and someone who is an ally against the world. Passion and romance are the icing, the parts of the relationship you work to keep alive because they provide the fun and fluff that make your best friend also be a way to escape life and it's hassles for a while.
Relationships are work. Hold out for all consuming passion and you'll learn the hard way that it doesn't last forever no matter who you date.
You want excitement, go create some with him. Connection does not maintain itself.
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youve been together for a long time of course its like living with a brother or sister or feels that way at some points i know what you mean. when your around someone for a while everyday all day your going to get annoyed with somethings. if you have a brother or sister your around them all the time and living and being with someone all the time gets a bit much sometimes. as the other person said if you just love him then maybe hold off on marriage. your getting to the point where maybe theres someone better and trust me when you loose someone youll know if you want them back or not so maybe take a break just to see how you feel about him.
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Loving a person and being "in love" with someone is two totally different things. I'm sure you care deeply and have many feelings for this person but it doesn't appear you are in love with him. If you take a break from him for a month and feel you can't live without him, then he's probably the one for you. But if you feel better after being apart, then it's definately time to move on. Best of luck to you.
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