TimothyDanger's advice column

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Q: Hey guys....so my first love and I just had an unfortunate break up. Its been really tough on me, and it certainly had been a confusing split. I'm dealing with it as best as I can with some help from my friends and a counselor.

Now all thats left is for me to have my alone time to just be sad and cry. Can you please recommend some good break up songs? Something that will make me cry. Thanks.

Smoking Popes- If you don't Care
Rhett Miller- Come around
Old 97s- Lonely Holiday
Lucero- When you decided to leave
Smoking Popes- 1st time
Come pick me up- Ryan Adams
Damien Jurado- I'm Still here
Joe Firstman- Saving all the love

advice- Take these songs. Listen to them, have your cry. Give it a week, maybe two. But then when that week is up... get off the couch and into the world. Do everything you ever wanted to. Because eventually you will find someone new and then you wont have all this free time to yourself. Remember loneliness is only a feeling. There is being lonely and then there is being independent. Indepedent is sexy. Confidence is awesome. Doing what you love and being awesome is what's going to make you happy. People will see that. Nothing turns a guy on more than a girl who has her shit together. Seriously
Added bonus... living well is the best revenge. He will certainly have pangs of regret when he sees you happy.
First you have to be ready mentally, so your right, listen to these sad songs, do your thing, but when it's time, get up and get out.

Q: So my ex boyfriend of over a year...i hadn't spoken to him til today. He told me he missed me A LOT! he keep saying A LOT and he was really happy to hear from me...he still cares and loves me...he is VERY unhappy with thee situation..it will be a week that we haven't been together.

The reasons for the break-up:
Long distance
Needs to get things in order

I can't get over it and I feel that our feelings for one another are really strong. What should I do? I want him back.

You didn't list an age so I am going to assume you are around 17-19. This is important because your mental maturity has a lot with my answer.
17-19 is around the only age I would begin to consider telling you it's OK to have a long distance relationship.

Long distance relationships take time and effort. When you miss them... you really miss them. If you have a fight, there's not much you can do about it.
But it can be good too. You would be forced to communicate more. Emails, chats, phone calls can all be ways to make your relationship stronger. You ever hear of your grandparents or parents talk about love letters? They mean a lot to some people. Not to mention the fact that when you do see him, it will make your time all the more sweeter.

My advice? Get whatever things you two needed to get in order and if you still want him back, talk about a long distance relationship. But be sure it's what you want. Absence does make the heart grow fonder, but it also makes for two lonely people

Q: There's this kid I've been hanging out with recently and we really like each other. He's smart, funny, cute, the whole cliched package. :-p

Anyway, I'm a Christian. I believe in God and religion and spirituality have become increasingly important and comforting to me. I go to church just about every Sunday and I just really love it there.

Now, I'm not the type of person that will ever go around pushing my beliefs on someone. I'm a little sad that someone hasn't found God yet, but I'm not going to force my beliefs on them because it's not my place to tell them what to believe you know?

I found out that this potential boyfriend is an atheist. Like I said before, I don't care if he believes something different than me. But my problem with it is that he started telling me all the reasons why its "illogical" that God exists. He also went around to a few of my friends asking for concrete evidence that there is a God out there. And then calling our beliefs illogical and going to church as a sign of giving up your independence and free will.

This just bothers me because he is ripping into my faith and he doesn't understand it. Like, he's never been to church before, he's only heard how it is sometimes portrayed, so where does he come off saying I gave up my independence by going to church?

It's annoying because I really like him, but I'm not so sure I can put up with this part of him. And yes, you might say it's hypocritical of me, but don't because I am not judging him on the fact that he doesn't believe in God, I'm judging him on the fact that he tears everyone down and calls people stupid for believing in God. He's trying to get everyone to believe what HE believes.

~16/f

This is touching on a delicate subject.

Let me put down my cyniscm enough to say. I also have your views on religion. Despite my ruggedly awesome badass demeanor, inside beats someone who is Johnny Cash cool. You see Johnny was cool, an outlaw and brash, but he never denied his faith.
I'm not sure where I'm going with this but, rest assured I feel ya.

Here's my take. Dont put him on a pedestal especially over your God. I dont think you will, but darlin' God dont make junk, and he also doesn't make mistakes. Perhaps he was put in your presence as a test to your faith and also maybe someone that you can show being a Christian isn't nessecarily a bad thing. They can be cool, nice, non judgemental, and just what the world needs.

Take this time to break every stereotype that he has ever had of Christians and prove him wrong. If you two do start dating, tell him it's illogical that the two of you click with such different spiritual paths but the same way you can't explain your attraction to him, is the same way you just know God is with every step you make. He may or may not become your boyfriend, but the world needs more people to set a good example for everyone else, and we can keep company with everyone and coexist. That's what God wants anyway hmm?

Q: (15 male)
Can you tell me the best way to approach a girl? I really have a hard time walking up and just having a conversation it seems as though everyone else doesn't have this problen.

There is no best way. It all depends on the girl you're wanting to talk to. I happen to like the type of girl that is... well a lot like me, so when I go somewhere, I look at the girl who is scoping out the jukebox, sitting at the bar alone, reading a cool book in a book store, or in my favorite section of a record store or comic book place.
Thing is, you never know unless you talk to them, I can give you all the advice in the world but it's like learning to drive, you won't know how to use the gas pedal until you grind the gears in an empty parking lot, if you know what I mean.
That means, your first few attempts at finding your style and confidence are going to be awful, but dont worry, Luke didn't use the force well right away either, and Spiderman's first attempts at public appearance are awful.
Mistakes and getting shot down are good. You need rejection to get a tougher skin and find out what you do wrong. You know those dumbasses who always jeer and holler at girls for no reason? That may have worked once in high school when they were jocks but in the real world, what you really need in confidence. Pal, that goes a long way. And the only way to get it, is to do it, and learn what you're doing wrong. Chat them up, ask questions, don't offend anyone (the first meeting anyway) be cool but not assinine, be nice but not a pushover, be a gentleman but with an edge. It sounds like an oxymoron, and it is, but it's what she wants.

Oh... and if she's just sitting there alone looking around... Go talk to her. She ain't gonna talk to herself. And if she does... well that should be a red flag for you to walk away.

Q: My boyfriend's birthday is coming up and I have no idea what I want to get him. I have some ideas like making him something, but I want to buy it and be as special as our relationship. He is going to turn 16 and I am confused. Please help if you can!
If you are a guy, explain to me ur reasoning. I need to know more about guys' minds in general.
THANKS IN ADVANCE!!!!

I would like something that lets my lady know she was paying attention this whole time I was with her.
I like Star Wars and science fiction. If she bought me a Blu Ray of say... Iron Giant, or Planet Of The Apes, she would get anything she wanted on her birthday, if she bought me like a rare Hulk comic book I'd probably propose (that's just me)... but as it is, most girls I have dated in the past tried to buy me stuff that they want me to have, like a lame sweater from like the store of the month or some crazy fitted jeans. (and trust me, I'm a punk rock guy not a fashionista) This is your chance to say, "hey it's your day, I like you being you, here's something to help with that"

Here's a great one that I've told other advice seekers about before... go to Shutterfly, you can make a nice picture book for about 20-30 bucks of pictures of the two of you. It's a nice hardback looking book, I got one made (for business not romantic reasons), and I'm telling you, it's nice to look at and gets compliments, it's something he would really hold onto.

Q: can someone please explain "the look" to me, my friend described it as 'a look you get from a guy that likes you, his face changes, he looks more happy and his eyes, he just gets this crazy look in his eyes that screams I LIKE YOUUU!' i dont see it though, i see just a look, like hey whats up haha. she is a relationship whiz and it's crazy how right she is i just dont know what to look for when he looks at me. so can someone explain "the look". answer: if i get "the look" does that mean he likes me? what do i look at when he's looking at me? into his eyes?

I'm assuming your friend is hot. I say this because she can get guys to give her "the look" often enough to know when it happens.
The truth is, the "look" only applies to maybe 40% of dudes. The sad thing is that every guy reacts to a girl different (just like you ladies) There are some guys who are quiet (they are much more apt to give you said "look" because they want to hear you talk and are interested in what you have to say) There are guys who are loud and boisterous who will give you the "hey whats up" more often than not. And sometimes it may seem like he's not interested when he is, or it may seem like he is interested but maybe he isn't.
Doesn't make sense huh? It's not supposed to.

Here's what you do. Like a science experiment, you need a control sample. So watch how he treats other girls. If he pays lots of attention and talks to lots of girls, then that's just his nature, but if he only behaves that way around you, you may want to pay a little more attention to that hair and outfit...

Q: Is it normal for an 18 year old guy to be thinking about marriage and kids? My boyfriend and I have been dating for 8 months and at the begining of the relationship he knew he wanted to get married and maybe have some kids but he never put much thought into it and now suddenly this week he's been asking how I would want to be proposed to in the future and kids and what our house would look like. I didn't know teenage guys thought about this. I know we wouldn't get married for years but I love knowing how committed he is. Any other guys like this?

There are some guys like this... but I don't know any of them

I remember 18. I thought I knew the score. Turned 21 turned out didn't know anything, turned 23, then 25, then 28... then the dreaded 30.
Life has taught me some amazing things. One is that at 18 I could barely vote responsibly much less take a wife.
Tread cautiously

Q: 19/f
I've been with my bf for almost a year now, and he's incredible: kind, funny, sweet, smart, ect. We have a healthy sex life and it feels like I'm in love with my best friend. Our relationship isnt lacking in the least.
Recently, though, my ex asked me to be back on speaking terms with him. He's known as a man-whore, and the whole reason we broke up in the first place was because he's a known cheater. We've begun talking and I feel really weird about it.
I have no romantic attraction to my ex at all, but there's something that's compelling me to get physical with him (which he's trying to do). I've been able to deny him for a few weeks but I'm really afraid my resolve is getting thin.
I do NOT want to cheat on my bf, and I feel horrible for even thinking about it. I just need to convince myself that my ex is a scumbag, but for some reason I'm still drawn to him.. I don't know why.
Please don't attack me. I feel guilty enough and I haven't cheated on anyone ever. My bf is the LAST PERSON I would EVER want to hurt. So I need some assurance that I can get through this, and advice on how. Thank you.
-M

You know your ex. He's a familiar thing and now that he is trying to get with you, you seem to remember only good things. Don't get me wrong, you mentioned you know he's a man whore and a cheater and you don't want to be with him mentally only physically. It is sadly a part of human nature. People don't WANT to overindulge in food or alcohol... it just happens.
Here's what you can do.
#1 make a list of every fight, and bad thing he did. Write down exactly how it felt when he cheated and you broke up. Make an Ipod playlist of all the sad music you listened to when you were trying to heal. You'll never feel as bad as you did when it actually happened, but you have to remember what a scumbag he was... and how people can view you if you cheat yourself.

#2 cut all ties with him, don't let the temptation to cheat even be there. The main reason he is probably trying to talk to you now is because he knows you are happy and honestly doll, happiness is the best revenge.

Q: 15/f
Well,me and my bf have been together since last month.But then he had to go back to London,where he lives,because of school.I live very far away from him,but he insisted on trying the long-distance relationship thing and we both agreed.He's 16 btw.He started college recently and I think it could be a problem (if he meets another girl,he won't have the heart to break up with me,he's like that) which will basically result in him cheating on me,and I really don't want that.Also,he's seems uninterested in me now.When we chat on Facebook,he would suddenly log out and not come back online,or finish the conversation without telling me he loves me.To be precise,I don't trust him.I'm really getting fed up.I love him,but I feel this just won't work out till when he comes here (July next year).But I don't really want to dump him,it's just that I don't know what to do.Should I be patient and give him a chance,or dump him for good?

You're 15.
This is the time you should be dating as much as you and your parents will allow so you know what type of person you will really like when you are mature enough to handle a real long (both in distance and time) relationship.
I know adults that can't handle a long distance relationship. So on that note... Tell him that you want to be his friend, but you don't want him to be tied down to you (this will set you both free and you don't want to resent each other) this doesn't mean that you're shady or anything, if he returns in July and you are both single, than maybe you guys can give it a shot, but honestly, I'm twice your age, and I can't even remember most of the names of the people I dated at your age.

Q: 15 Female, He's 18. USA
We've been best friends for a few years. I've had crush on him about 2 months now and well yesterday while we were hanging out I started to get so irritable with him (dont even know why). I blurted out "I have a crush on you..." he just seemed so proud of himself then he said "I'll have to think about that for awhile." then he had to leave... What does that mean?!
-Gabriella

It means he can go to jail.

As a guy, it's flattering to find out someone has a crush on you... it doesn't matter who it is... but sadly no matter how smart, pretty, or anything else she may be there is a certain risk he as a legal adult would run if he becomes involved with a minor...

Q: ijust have a quick question: why are(some) guys sweet and nice to you when you're alone and then when they're with their friends and they see you they turn into loudmouthed pigs and then all of a sudden you don't exist but the popular girls do?

also.. why do they think that after they ignore you one day they can go back to being sweeties the next and THEN they wonder why your mad.

please shed some light on the situation for me.
thanks
16/f

It's because you're young and everyone is feeling out their place in the world. Think about it, you are asking questions on a advice site... guys at that age with you like to be sweet to you, when there friends are around however, they are under pressure to be under the whole "wolfpack" sort of mode they've been in since they were younger. Sooner or later though, the pack slowly disenegrates (never totally) so the cubs can sniff out chicks.
But here is a chance for you to also display your womanly power too. Be careful though, as a girl you wield power that you may not be ready for, but the next time he tries to talk to you after he has been rude or a jerk, give him the cold treatment and tell him why your pissed. Because he is one way with you and another with his friends. Tell him you think he's cool, but if he acts that way, you don't see the two of you being cool for very long.
I'm a guy... we are not really pigs... we are dogs. Being a dog isn't a bad thing. We can be loyal and playful. But we are also big dumb dogs, if you don't tell us, we dont know what we do wrong and we'll keep eating people's slippers

Q: ok so my hair goes down to my waist, sometimes a little longer but i cut it 1 inch about every 5 weeks. my skin is really white and my hair is darkbrown/maroon ish but some say it's black too. (it's not haha) like most people say it suites me and most guys and my friends seem to like it , other girls always try to get me to cut it but probably cause theyre jealous. it's naturally straight but i like curling it to give it more volume. so my question is, do guys like long hair like that?
(i know that i'm the one who should be happy with it and i'm NOT gonna cut it just because some guy doesnt like it, it's just a question :]

I'm a guy and I have to say... I love long hair, and I love short hair.

I'm a guy so I just love chicks. However they decide to decorate is OK with me.

So here's the rub, it doesn't matter what you think other people will like. It's what you think is the best look for you, because you are the one who is going to be looking in the mirror every day, and that amount of comfort level has a serious impact with all your other interactions for the remainder of the time you have that style.

If you are curious, maybe you should consider it, maybe not that short but a little, just to say you tried it, it's hair so y'know it can always grow back. Variety is the spice of life, so don't think you have to hang on to that hair out of principle.

Q:
So I'm applying for a class officer position at school, and one of my teachers is a class sponsor. She told me that one of the questions they would ask would be:

How would you get more people to come and decorate that hallways and make floats during spirit week?

Basically, how would I up attendance to meetings and activities. I don't want crappy answers like "say there will be food" or "make lots of announcements" because DUH.

I need really creative answers that will show that I deserve the position.

You can say a lot of things but what they are really looking for is someone who is going to not just have decorating parties and more food at meetings. They are looking for someone to bring pride to their work and really change the culture of the place. In short they need a strong foundation before they can start upping the attendance to any meetings. My answer would be something like...

"It's funny that you mention spirit week, because that is something that I see is really lacking in most kids these days. I would first work on making sure that all the officers had a stronger bond by organizing team bulding excursions, once the core team is strong, we can influence more of our peers to join in. Someone's perception of 'cool' is always subjective, but it is hard to argue when a whole team is working together."

Q: F/15
Is it true that guys are only after that one thing--sex?
My older brother, 21, doesn't want me dating my current boyfriend. He's about a year older than me. He says, "I'm a guy and I hang out with guys. I know how they think, what they want, blah blah blah." My brother claims that fifteen is too early to be looking for a spouse, which is true. So, teens must be dating for only one reason these days--sex.
Well now that I think about it...why ARE we dating so young? It's not like we're going to get married at this age.
My brother won't stop making fun of the way my boyfriend dresses, he's a scene kid, I guess. I'm afraid that my brother will say something to his face. Even still, it hurts my feelings anyway.
Can someone help me be reasonable with him??

He's your brother. Take that into account. No one is ever going to be good for his little sister. Ever.
That being said... most boys are into only one thing, but they are so socially awkward and stupid they don't know how to go about it. (Then they ask me questions haha)

You date young so you can learn. You learn about people. You learn how boys "are". You learn what you are looking for in a person. You learn how to get your heart broken and fixed.

Trust me, you should date now and figure out how to date than wait until you are a socially awkward young adult.
Ever see "Never Been Kissed"? Not what you want to be.
So keep a cool head, date guys for the sake of it, and if he ever gets too pushy, remind him of how mean your older brother can be.

And cut your bro some slack, he's just looking out for you and doesn't know how to express it. Take that into account if you feel your feelings hurt

Q: I'm dating this girl at my school. We're very close and such, been dating awhile, exclusive, blah blah blah.

Anyway, I go in late on some days when I don't have class, and I just found this donut place by my house. Would it be too much if I were to show up during snack at school with a donut for her? I don't want to come off as like... overly sweet I guess. So, good idea or no?

Go for it.
Especially if she isn't expecting it and has mentioned her love of pastries from time to time.

If you have been dating for awhile, she will likely clue you in on when there is a big test coming up and such, so buy it then as a sort of "good luck" thing. It will buy you points with her friends too. (she will tell them most likely) Which is a good thing to have on your side.

Q: My girlfriend has been cheating on me. She says that she wants to live life and that she wants to be independent. I never knew things were going south between us. Can someone just change their mind like that?

She says she wants to be independent?
If she's running away from an established relationship to be in another relationship she is most likely not independent at all. She is feeling the need to replace you with something else. There is another issue there, one that she isnt telling you.

Honestly though, do you really care? She cheated. Which means that you are out of the picture. So take this opportunity to exit with a plate full of awesome, wish her well, date someone hotter and work on being successful, it'll make you better for the next one.

Q: I can't flirt or ask out guys in my town, but I'm totally fine with guys from like, two towns away. Is there something wrong with me?

Maybe you're like me.
I dont want someone clinging to me every day, after all between a band, my writing, and my adventures, I can't have something slowing me down, however, that doesnt mean that I dont want to have a date or someone to snuggle up on the weekends.
An out of town partner is a good choice

Q: my cousin died a few years ago and i wanna get a tattoo for him. i'm a girl and i want it on my upper back, like my shoulder blade .. and i want it to be small but how small can they make it? i want a cross with his name and maybe some dates but i dont want it too big .. any ideas? i just dont want it to be big

What was important to him? Music? Cars? Was there a trip you guys took? Incorporate that. For instance if he liked to play the guitar, get a guitar or a music note. Something really simple and understated. It doesnt have to have a name on it or writing. And when people ask about it, it will give you something good to talk about. Sometimes the best way of honoring someone's memory is talking about it to perfect strangers and friends

Q: When guys get into high school, are they all perverts? Do they change or what?

Yes... I mean no... They are normal boys. I mean seriously hormones are going crazy, people are starting to couple up, and sexuality is all over music, TV, and billboards.

The good news is, it passes. "Pervert" is a strong term, they are just as fascinated with things as you gals are. The trick is to find someone who keeps his hands to himself.

Q: so last night my bf for over 2 and a half years dumped me because he says he doesnt know what he wants and that hes not happy. and that he wants his old life back before he met me. He also told me him and his ex are good friends now and that he was hiding it from me. I've been crying ever since and have this feeling in my stomach that wont go away. I guess its what a broken heart feels like. He broke up with me on the phone but told me he wanted to wait until this weekend but i told him no. I really need some advice and help to how i can get over him faster and be happy again. Oh and if this feeling is a broken heart.

Ok... the feeling you get is a broken heart no doubt. It sucks. There is a hole and an emptiness and there is nothing you can do about it.
The good news is, it goes away, and unless you have felt it before, it is hard to let people know the physical and emotional stress it puts on you can do.

My advice? Make a list. Every bad thing that ever pissed you off and every quirk. Pull it out whenever you start missing him and just wish you could have him back. You were with him for 2 and a half years, surely there were some things that made you mad. Think about that one fight where he said something awful, and if you cant think of anything bad... think of this:

He was talking with his ex and couldnt tell you about it. THAT IS A FORM OF CHEATING. It is definitely a breech of trust, and honestly if he cant be trustworthy to you, that relationship is never going to work.
You need to think of it as less of a breakup and more like a cancer. Cancer can live with you, grow with you but in the end, it can kill you. So can an unhappy relationship. (Which is what it would be if he came back anyway) As much as it sucks, pick up, move on.

Make another list. Do something you always wanted to do, take a class, roadtrip, make new friends. Chances are doing the new things will let you meet more people and who knows? Maybe someone new. I know you are not thinking about it now, but you got him, you can get another one... and remember... never let them see you sweat. Living well is the best thing you can do, not to make anyone jealous but for yourself...

It'll be rough, but in 6 months, send his ass a thank you card for giving you a fun independent life.