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March 14, 2005Answers:
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Hi! I'm Linda. I would love to try to help you with advice about love and life. I can also try to help with Health: Mental issues in particular. However, you can ask me anything. I believe in the value of honesty and I will do my best to be ethical, fair and genuine. xoxoxoxo
advice
I am to be Chrismated this week at my new Church. It is Melkite Greek Orthodox Catholic Church. I am disappointed that my grandparents refuse to come. On top of that they did not tell me the true reason that they aren't coming. They told me that it was the "weekly hair appointment" that couldn't be changed. Which is garbage. My father told me they would not come because their beliefs do not match. How do they know that without even walking in the church one time? I mean really. I don't know why I am suprised, but it has hurt my feelings a little bit.
They are good people and build churches as part of a mission in the Baptist Church. I have been Baptist up until now but two things have guided me to this church: the need to be a little more celebratory of Christ's Resurrection and Saviour of us people, and my fiance is the Cantor. If my fiance wasn't the Cantor or we weren't together, I would still like to be a part of this church.
I have tried and tried to explain that this is not the Roman Catholic Church and some of the things I have learned. They are so prejudiced as to what a Catholic is to them. Which at one time I heard: mean, Italian, and wrong. Which none of the three are true.
I realize that they aren't going to change to my religion ever, but I am a bit upset they wouldn't come for my sake. At least they are coming to the wedding.
So do I bug them every day until the event so that I can see them, or just let it go? How can I get them to understand my decision?
Dear Chrismation,
Wow. This is an excellent letter. First, please do not be too hard on your grandparents. Religion and beliefs are VERY touchy subjects to a lot of people. The important thing is that you are doing this for yourself. It's something you believe in and makes you feel good. However, it seems you may have been raised in a completely different church and your grandparents may be offended that you've switched your beliefs. People can only act on what they know and what they know is the Baptist Church. The fact that they and you are good people is not what's in doubt here. You disagree on this issue. That's okay. You are absolutely not going to agree on lots of issues with your family. I would suggest to let it go. I would also suggest that you go to your grandparents and tell them that you know they aren't going because of their own beliefs. Also, tell them you understand that and you will respect that because they are important to you. Say that you will be sad that they won't be there but you will be thinking about them and really wish they would attend. If you do this sincerely and in a very mature way, you never know, they may come to be there for you and if they don't, at least there won't be additional issues. You can agree to disagree.
Congratulations by the way, on your upcoming marriage. Good luck.
Linda
Ok, well, I really like this one kid, but the major problem is he likes one of my best friends. I needa find a way for him not to pay attention on her and pay attention on me. I need to know what turns on a guy. Like what do you want in a girl, honestly. Thanks for your help
Dear Ineedall,
I know you didn't ask for girls advice but I wanted to answer you because most guys don't really know what 'it' is that attracts them to a girl. I am going to try to give you a few tips. HOPE + DOUBT. This is what generally draws a guy to you. That equation = PASSION. You have to let him know you like him but give him a few doubts as to whether or not he can actually 'get' you. (This works for guys too...) Everybody likes a challenge. People like something they have to work at a little bit because it gives them something to be proud of, something that couldn't be easily gotten by just anybody. So, having said that, I would Smile, Be Friendly, Laugh a little at his jokes. Act like you like him as a person. Show interest but don't be falling all over him. If you pull back just a little bit, this guy will probably be questioning why you don't like him in that way. And he'll probably go to great lengths to find out. However, just one more thought. Do you like this guy JUST because he likes your best friend? Or, Did you like him before? Just something to think about.
Good luck!
Linda
I was just wondering, is it possible for a guy to be too shy to IM you? becuase i have imed ths one guy i like about like 4 times in total but like over a span of about 2 months but..i'm just thikning is the reason he hasn't imed me first because he is shy or that he just doesn't feel that way about me? help please..thanks
Dear shy,
Now there's a handy excuse. Being too shy. However, I'm thinking he probably knows that you will IM him first. Unsure of whether or not he doesn't feel that way about you, but I can give you a few tips. First, if you "see" him on the computer, don't IM him first. Let him do it. And if he doesn't, please don't worry about it. You just want to put a question mark in his head. If he does eventually IM you, be friendly, keep it short and be the first one to go. Hopefully, it will leave him wanting more. When you see him, big smile, wave a little and keep on walking. You want him to know you like him but also that you can live with him or without him. That you're independent and confident in yourself. If he's interested, he will definitely throw out a few more hints.
Good luck!
Linda
How can you tell who a major flirt likes? Does he show them more attention or less? Because I have a friend that is a major flirt and he's been following me around in the mornings before school, he's also suddenly starting to eat lunch with me, and always wants to be my partner in Drama. Why the sudden change is another question?
Hi!
Wow. THIS Big Flirt likes YOU. A LOT. He's going above and beyond his call of flirt duty. You don't pay that much attention to a girl that don't want to get to know better.
Why the sudden change? I can definitely hazard a guess. It's because you are not falling all over him and you are, rightfully, questioning his motives. If you want to observe that a little bit more, just keep being yourself like you have been. I'm thinking he has a major crush on you.
Linda
ok i started baby sitting lately and the lil boy i baby sit ian asks me really odd questions for a 5 year old like whered do babies comefrom (i know thats not weird but i dont know what to say) or my peewee hurts why?? i dont know what to say exsept what did mommy tell you lol lol and he goes will you help me and i go help with what poopoo....... ewwwww yes i know its part of the job but does any one know any ways to by pass trobles
~blonde~
Dear blonde,
That's a difficult age to babysit because they ARE going to ask you LOTS of difficult questions. Just remember that a five year old really just wants the very basic answers. If he asks you where do babies come from, I would give him a very short, basic answer such as, "from the mommy's tummy." If he is telling you that his peewee hurts, ask him if he has told that to his mommy. He may just be acting out there, trying to test you. If he starts running, jumping around, playing, etc., you can be fairly sure that he's not hurting anywhere. You sound like a very responsible babysitter to be concerned about this boy. He's lucky to have you in his life.
Good Luck!
Linda
ok... so i like this boy and he jus found out last thursday... and im sooooo shy and ever since then i havent been able to say one thing to him. and im beating myself up emotionally and i jus need to know how to talk to him.. like we only see each other in the hallways and at lunch but hes always with his friends so i get even more nervous... how should i talk to him , like say hi and start a conversation... please help! thanks! i rate high!
Dear Shyness,
I lot of the reason people are shy is because they are focusing more of themselves than they are on the other person. When you see him, I would just say hi!, smile, give him a little wave and keep on walkin. This will let him know that you are friendly and that you like him. Don't worry about being nervous around him, he probably feels the same way. Please don't beat yourself up about it. When you are around him, try to focus more on someone else rather than how nervous you are.
Good Luck sweetie!
Linda
ok what should i do i mean i like this guy well were together but he always is tryin to make me pissed off and crap and is a total suck up with my mom and when he comes over all he wants to do is be with my mom and brother and totally ignore me and if i dont do what he says he gets all pissed off and threatens to leave and break up with me? help! what should i do?!!
Thanks Kayla Ann!
Hi Kayla Ann,
Unfortunately, this guy sounds like he's playing games with you. I would definitely back up a bit with him. What he needs is a little dose of doubt when it comes to you. Right now, it seems as if he's pretty sure of your affection for him but you're not getting the attention YOU need. The next time he comes over and wants to be with your mom and brother, I would just quietly slip out of the room. And no matter how long it takes, let him come to you. When he does, appear that you are EXTREMELY busy doing something that doesn't concern him at all. That will do three things. One, it will peak his curiosity. Two, it will let him know that you can live with AND without him if you choose and Three, it will insert a question of doubt in his mind. A few words of caution, when he does come looking for you, DON'T act as if you're angry with him. Act as if it's the most natural thing in the world. Just be nice but quiet. Smile sincerely at him. Also, the next time he threatens to leave and break up with you, say, "If that's really what you want, no problem." Turn around and leave. Trust me, he WILL come after you if you do it calmly without getting angry or crying. He will be wondering what's up and also will think hard about it the next time he threatens you.
Good luck sweetie!
Linda
im having trouble with these stupid pop-ups on the computer...where can i get a pop-up blocker for free?
Dear Pop-up,
www.stopzilla.com has a pretty good pop-up blocker for free. All you need to do is download it. Also, if you go to www.freepopupcheck.com, it has about 10 free pop-up blockers for free that you can try to see which one works the best for you.
Linda
20/f
This guy I had a date with kissed me on the firt date. Is that werid? I have never kissed someone on the first date before. Do you think he just wants sex?
Dear 20/f,
Kissing on the first date is not so weird. It depends of course, who you are. By the way, did you kiss him back? It's really all about how you feel about the person. If you thought it was weird, you probably didn't learn enough about him for you to feel comfortable kissing him. It sounds like you have high morals and high standards. That is great! And please don't listen to people who tell you otherwise. A kiss, in itself, is not such a big deal. It means he likes you and wants to get to know you better. Whether or not he wants sex right away really depends on who he is.
Good luck and happy dating!
Linda
I'm becoming our debate team captain next year, and I really need to go to a good camp this summer. Anybody have any suggestion? (preferably a 3 or 4 week program,
Dear Policydebatecamp,
Congratulations! That's wonderful news for you. And you seem to be taking it so seriously and responsibly. You don't say where you live but here are some suggestions...
Cameron University in Oklahoma has a wonderful debate camp program, you can see it on their website. Just search for Debate Camp Cameron University. And their prices are very reasonable.
Another one to look at would be Ignatius High School in Cleveland, Ohio. The cost is $200 per week. They have a website also.
Okemis High School also have a pretty good debate website up and they have a little video on it that describes the debate camp. Unsure of the cost of this one.
Good luck!
Linda
okay I feel really horrible asking this... but there's this guy I went out with not to long ago, and he still likes me and wants to go back out again...here's the thing, I have a boyfriend right now. But I really like the guy that I went out with not too long ago. And the guy I'm going out with now is really cute, and really sweet, and likes me a lot, but i'm not that into it. But, if I broke up with him for the other guy he'd be heartbroken.
Dear Notagain,
The question within your letter is perfectly valid. If you're not that into your boyfriend, that's okay. It doesn't mean you're a horrible person, nor does it mean that you have to stay with someone that you're just not feeling. It is what it is. Feelings aren't wrong, they just are. However, I would take care not to break up with him for another guy. You can break up with him for other honest reasons that will not hurt him AS much. I would tell him what you told me. He is really cute, you think he's really a sweet guy. You just aren't sure how you're feeling and you would like to explore that. You don't want to hurt him but you don't want to be hurt either. Good luck. Tell me how it works out.
Linda
The guy who I've really liked for over a year said that he kind of likes me. What does it mean if he kind of likes me? My friend who is friends with him thinks that since he's shy, he said that he kind of likes me because he was too shy to say yes. This other guy who I talked to who doesn't even know the guy I like said that he thinks it means that the guy I like thinks I'm hot and has a little crush on me, but isn't really like in love with me. What do you think it means if he kind of likes me?
Dear Kindoflikesme,
Guys aren't THAT shy when it's about a girl that they REALLY like. What you are hearing now is the start of what could be him STARTING to like you. Which is a good thing. He's got an eye out for you, but at this early point, it could go either way.
First of all, you don't want to scare him away by being too pushy. Guys need a little bit of hope + doubt to start chasing you. You've given him a little bit of hope because he obviously knows that you like him and he's thinking about it. Here's where the hard work and self-control comes in. Trust me on this. You have to pull back a little. Now. You don't want to give him too much to think about especially anything remotely like chasing after him or being needy or clingy. Not even a teensy thought of that should cross his mind. So, back up, take a deep breath and the next time you see him, give him a little wave and a hi! but don't stop walking, don't give him too much eye contact and don't talk to his friends about him. Just tone it down a notch and keep it cool. Guys love a chase and because he now knows that you like him, just back it up a bit to let him make the next move. Good luck!
Linda
me and my da havent spoke for about a yr since i got caught smokin weed... my dad completely turned his back on me while my mom was there with me the whole time and i love her i miss the relationship witt my dad but at the same time im so mad at him (even though i was the one that screwed up) for turnin his bak on me i have two sides about this and its gettin mixed and i dunno wut i shud do... hes not the type of dad u cud sit down and have a conversation about this with... plz help
Dear lostmydad,
You don't say in your question whether or not you are still smoking. If you aren't, you should definitely try to make amends to your dad before another year goes by. He was probably more hurt and disappointed than angry, but many people behave as if they are angry even though they are experiencing an entirely different emotion. It's wonderful that you have a good relationship with your mom. But back to dad. Would it be convenient for you to see him in person? Does he live nearby? If so, I would try to see him in person. Apologize. Be sincere about it. Don't offer up any excuses. If he accepts your apology, I would then make a little small talk. Steer him away from the weed conversation and tell him that you, also, was hurt by him. After all, he is your father and always will be. He does have a responsibility to support you even though you may occasionally make a bad judgment call. (this is assuming that this whole thing is not a habit with you getting into trouble...) Judging from the fact that you said he's not the type of dad you can just sit down and have a conversation with, you need to be brief and to the point. Do not be judgmental or accusatory with him. The fact that he turned his back on you for an entire year was very hurtful to you and unnecessary. He was punishing you when he should have been guiding you. But please don't be too hard on him. Forgive him. Because we all make those bad judgment calls from time to time.
Good luck!
Linda
Ok so here is the deal i know that i am supposed to be a good freind and all my friends say i am a good freind. But latley my friend who is a 14/male has been trying to act well cool he is drinking and i dunno if that is such a ood idea seeing as he is trying to get me to do it i know that i used to be an alcholic but i have stopped because my other friend who is a 14. female told me to so i did. But that is not the real deal. My friend has also begun to overdose and talk about suicide i have talked to people about it yet when i try to talk to him i am to afraid to tell him to stop i know i need to and i know i just would rather have him be mad at me yet he knows me o to well and will put up a fight.
Do i dare try to talk to him because he is violant or should i leave that to a parental unit???
thnx
Monn
Dear howdoItrulyknow,
You ARE a good friend. That much is obvious. Is he a good friend to you? Apparently not. He is pressuring you to drink after you have already made a commitment to yourself to stop drinking. You also say he is violent. Now this worries me as much as the drinking does. With that combination, DRINKING + VIOLENCE, it = DISASTER. Tell an adult about this as soon as possible. Your friend is heading down the wrong path quickly and he is trying to take you with him. You are very courageous to be asking for advice on this situation. So take that courage to an adult.
Good luck!
Linda
I just want to know what are some things you can say to a girl to charm her and make her like you. Such what are some things i could say to the girl i like to just slowly make her like me. Are there anythings that girls like to hear that charms them. Thanks any help is pretty much appreciated
Hi! Hmmmm, things to charm a girl and make her like you. You said something in your second sentence that kinda sorta answered your own question. "slowly make her like me." The "slowly" is the key factor there. The best thing you can do is get her talking about herself. Us gals like to feel special, interesting, beautiful...but be careful. Don't pile it on too thick. I'll give you a little equation: HOPE + DOUBT = PASSION. You want to let her know that you like her, but in a very subtle way. You know how it seems as if girls always like the bad boys? Here's a secret. It's not so much the 'bad' in them, it's the 'challenge' of them. Here's where the doubt comes in. You have to leave a little room for a girl to seriously wonder whether or not you were flirting with her, or just being nice. That's why I said not to pile it on too thick. Smile, be friendly, ask about her interests, and show that you find her interesting and then back off a little. You will find them coming to you, trying to charm YOU instead. Good luck!
Linda
If god knows that we are gonna do something bad, like look up porn, why doesnt he try and stop us. I dont really understand it but, i am a porn addict and its getting harder and harder for me to stop. why would god let me do it if he knows its wrong?
Dear Ifgodknows,
It's that pesky little thing called, 'free will.'
Taking control over your actions is your responsibility, not God's. Or anyone else's for that matter.
Regarding looking up porn. An addiction requires compulsive behavior. And I'll tell you how it gets to that point and where you have to stop it.
Thoughts create feelings. We then ACT upon those feelings. You have to learn how to stop the thoughts. It is very difficult at first, but have no doubt, it CAN be done. It takes a very strong person to do that in the face of an addiction. You are probably past the point where you can do it on your own. And that's nothing to be ashamed of. Frankly, I'm proud of you that you are aware of your behavior and want to change it. That, in itself, is half the battle right there. I do think you may need some additional guidance in the form of an adult with whom you can speak freely and in confidence. Perhaps a guidance counselor or a teacher that you can trust. Even if they can't help you, they will be able to refer you to someone who can. Don't stop with just one talk either, you need some support on an ongoing basis. Good luck!
Linda
As a seventeen year old female who is oober tired of stupid highschool guys and would like to move on to more mature ones... how old is too old for me?
Dear eatyourheartout,
Seventeen is a very, very tricky age for dating. I'm sure you've heard about all the statutory stuff about guys over 18 going out with anybody under 18. Having said that, who do you find attractive? Who do you relate to best? Who makes you feel good about yourself? Right now, it seems as if there IS some 'perfect' age limit, but as you get older, that gap closes significantly. So, now at 17... 19 or 20 years old may be that perfect limit because it's a respectable 2-3 year age difference. When you are in your 20's, say 26, and you meet someone who is 30-31, that's a 4-5 year limit and THAT is perfectly respectable. Don't lock yourself in too quickly to a specific age.
Good luck and happy dating!
Linda
Okay, I dont want to sound conceited... cause i'm not. But as people that know me say..."Guys are in line for you.", it gets kind of old because i dont usually have a boyfriend because i'm just a "pretty person" that people like to look at. This bothers me cause nobody knows my personality except for my gurlies and a few of my best guy friends. I have a boyfriend now but i'm not sure i like it, i'm so used to being able to flirt with everyone , and not have to stick with jst him. Lemme know what I should do.
Dear abillionguys,
You don't sound conceited at all. You sound mature. It sounds as if you may have felt pressured to have a boyfriend. But what really matters in this equation is how YOU feel. There is absolutely nothing wrong with not having a boyfriend and flirting. If it works for you and you are comfortable with that, then that's it. As far as nobody knowing your personality, I think people do see your personality, because guys do not stand in line for someone who is pretty but has a horrible personality.
You don't say much about your boyfriend so I'm not getting a really good feel for how much you like him. If you really like him, give it a try! But you may want to communicate with him a little more. Telling him you want to break up because you want to flirt might really hurt him. However, telling him that you aren't entirely used to, or comfortable with, the idea of having a boyfriend, (which is the honest truth) will get you guys to open up a little with each other.
Good luck!
Linda
is it wrong to lose your virginity at 14? whats so wrong about it and will it hurt? im scared to do it cuz i think it will hurt but i really really want to...so will it hurt for my first time??
Dear isitwrong,
I wouldn't focus so much on the "wrong" part as I would focus on the "right". And the first question for you should be, "Is it 'right' to lose MY virginity at 14?"
The fact that you are even asking that question means that you're not ready. A lot of teens focus on the physical aspect of sex. However, the emotional aspect of sex can be much more painful than the physical. When us girls have sex, we just naturally develop VERY strong feelings for the guy we are with. If he doesn't have the same feelings for you, it can be crushing. And a lot of times, girls will substitute love for sex. It means they are getting close to a guy, there's touching, you are 'acting' loving, there's kissing, you are getting lots of attention (hopefully this would be the case) and there's also a lot of emotion involved in sex. You should think very, very carefully about giving up your virginity because you can't ever get it back. And it will change you regardless of whether or not you wanted to be changed.
Okay, about the physical part. Yes, the first time you have sex, it may hurt. At the very least, it will be uncomfortable. The first time, you should be with a guy who takes these things into consideration and is gentle with you. Someone who is kind and respects you. Someone who you respect. (And please remember protection against unintended pregnancy and STD's.) Good luck sweetie.
Linda
hey every1
k well i went out with this guy last year, his name is ben. then we broke up over the summer but now for like a month i have liked him again and i found out that he likes me too cause he asked me out tonight online, but as soon as he asked me out and i said yeah he had to go football. im worried that tomorrow at school it will be akward and i really don't want it to be akward cause we have been like really good friends like forever. please tell me good ways to flirt with him tomorrow so it isn't akward! thanks so much I RATE WELL!
Dear help,
When you see him tomorrow, don't approach him in an awkward way. Approach him just as you would as if he hadn't asked you out tonight. But maybe as you're talking to him, add a little wink. You want to be subtle but not dismissive.
Smile, speak with a little enthusiasm but do not be overly flirtatious. There's a fine line there. You want him to know that you DO like him but you don't want to come across as pushy. Just be friendly and maybe when you say hi, touch his arm. But you need to be thinking positively when you do this. Do not dwell on anxiety or nervousness.
Whenever I need to do something that makes me a little nervous, (I have to talk in front of groups of people sometimes) I have a little trick that I do. I just visualize myself beforehand, acting exactly how I want to be,(Kind of like what an actress does...) and then I "act" it out. You'll do fine!
Linda