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Life is an adventure but Life doesn't come with user manuals for everything. School subjects do little to prepare us. Its no wonder we all need helpful advice sometimes. Blessings to you!

advice

I have this really sweet guy friend I met online and we’ve been hanging out every now and then for the past I’ll say 5 months. We do text and talk often and we are physical as well.
I’ve been around him with his friends randomly. No major introductions.
So I was with him like February 7th and then I haven’t heard from him since. It’s going on about 4 to 5 days now of us not speaking. I don’t know anyone he knows and I don’t want to seem like a psychopath or stalker and message his mom but I am concerned about him. And I’ve text him and I have called him once. And I just wanted to know should I just let him contact me when everything is okay or should I go ahead and message his mom because I do care about this guy.

Since you mentioned being physical, that to me means cuddling, kissing, foreplay, sex and that can't be done together except in person. On line, yes I know some people will masturbate while on line but that to me is not real sex with another human being cus that can be done alone. So what i share is different depending on whether you've met in person or not. In person, you would have a better idea if there is any chemistry between you two. On lin3 only , you cqn't tell. I met my 2nd husband on line but we only spent two days on line, switched to phone calls for the week til we could meet in person the next weekend. I had talked on line w ith guys before him, for up to two weeks and thought I'd found the right one. But as the other advice giver stated, they can hide if they are dating others, and can hide many other things like things in their personality, whether they lie, etc. When I met my husband, I knew he was interested in getting to know me better by how he was available to talk every night til midnight after work and him calling to set up a meet at his place because he had a teen daughter who I had to be okay with who lived with him. We are married now just over 10 years. So if you want only someone to date for social reasons, someone to go to a movie with, a partner for dancing, etc, then since he hasn't responded, you should move on to find someone who shows an interest and you dont have to be too picky about how you match. If looking for eventually marrying and possibly having kids with, its another story. You want someone who doesnt just love a few aspects about you and thus the temporary interest, until he learns more about you and decides that you are not exactly what he;s looking for. Or you can do better than a guy who just loves something about you, the skin deep type of love, you can look for the man who falls in love with you. That kind of love doesnt come with lack of contact and getting together often because this kind of love is the real thing, goes beyond the other looks to loving who you are inside, all your spots and wrinkles in personality, is unconditional meaning you don't have to change who you are or how you do things to be perfect for him. So my guess is that since he hasn't called back... he is not interested even in being a social boyfriend and certainly not the potential future husband type or into long term relationships. Yes, all guys are very into sex and that's an important part but; if he got sex and hasn't called back, then he may be the type who only wants sex but not the whole relationship.

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An ex-friend of mine has been messing with me and my friend, This all happened on Tuesday where she came up to me and another friend and started to talk about my friend, she called her (I'm sorry for my language) a bitch and said she was rude to her for no reason. After she said this I told my friend about it, which then my friend asked her why she would say that, which then my ex-friend denied it and said I was trying to start stuff with her. I talked to our school counselor about it. The next day she came up to me and my group of friends and told me that I need to stop spreading lies, but she also admitted that she said it by saying that I laughed when she called my friend a female dog, and I said why would I lie and call my friend a female dog which she then called me crazy and walked away. On Thursday my friend and her "Talked it out" but she kept lying saying that I made it up and I was the one who said, but she also said she didn't have a social media which was a lie cause I know her Instagram. By Friday me and my friend were over and we needed to worry about our science fair. during the science fair, someone took my friends chips and spilled them all over the floor, I do remember my ex-friend coming over to the group of people next to us and reaching behind meI know this because she hit my back when she pulled away but we couldn't do anything about since we didn't know who did it but I have a feeling it was her, so far that's all that has happened.

My answer is very close to Solid Advice. I wonder what happened that has you labeling her an ex friend. If you also don't know, then ask her. Maybe there is something small that can be repaired on the friendship. This doesn't mean dumping your new friend. A person can have way more than one and yes, I have had more than one best friend through school, i believe it was 5, and everyone else were people I knew but didn't have much in common with or they may have been less than model students, into bad stuff or bad behavior I didn't want to be part of. So if this is the case, you already know why you aren't friends with her.
I am guessing that for either reason, a small innocent thing involving her or her continuous bad behavior, that when you cut her out of being friends, she wanted to protest and make you miserable because she now is. Misery loves company as a certain saying goes and so that may be her goal. Or perhaps revenge is at core for her and if she can't be your friend, she wants to make sure that no one is your friend. It sure looks like that, when she came to you saying bad things about your new friend. If you had ignored her, there would be no pay off for her. By that I mean, she doesn't get that satisfied feeling of knowing she stirred up trouble for you. The best thing when someone is egging you on is to ignore them. i don't mean ignore in the moment when they are literally in your face but after the encounter, choosing not to pass on her poison. So consider this a very good lessson in life because believe it or not, even though adults don't do this stuff as often as kids or teens, there are still a great amount who do. Learn now how to react next time which means, not going to your friend and passing on what the ex friend said. I'll bet there's a good chance she was hoping that you could be swayed by her words and dump the new friend and go back to her. I prefer to have friends rather than enemies so I would suggest seeing if there is anything that can be said, if she's basically a good person but a one time event blew you up as friends, a bad choice, saying the wrong thing, her imagining or twisting something you said or did and becoming very angry with you. I have had that happen to me with 4 different family members at different times and I did everything I could to discover why and repair the relationships and I know why they imagined and blew out of proportions ideas of how they had wanted me to react to something they did or said. However, they all had to take time to get over the imagined thing and one person is still cut off from all family, not just me, by her choice. I should have studied to become a psychologist because I watch what I say so nothing can be twisted or misunderstood. So if family can turn against you for a while as my family did, so can so called friends. Its often nothing we've done wrong and the problem is all inside the other person. IT's even harder when you are younger and haven't the experience yet of how to act in situations like this. A person who is imature or a trouble maker can't be changed by telling them to change. Its like that saying that you can lead a horse to water but you can't force him to drink. So campaigns on bullying, how to be helpful or constructive, will not help a person dead set against that inside of them. They can be forced to hear the words but will resent being forced, will not change. Change for the better must be something a person realizes they want and then the changes will come, not because someone told an authority. Your counselor hears this stuff every day and usually it is word related problems,, stuff people say to cause trouble, so while feeling unfair, the counselor doesn't really know you like your family does and will have no idea that in actuality you aren't making up lies to get someone in trouble. SHe reacted to the situation with her best guess, that you are the problem rather than the ex friend. Unless there is physical damage being done, hitting and punching, etc. any person in the future doesn't need to be reported. I got the hurtful teasing in school and never reacted to it so eventually the kids doing it stopped because it wasn't fun if I didn't react. That didn't mean a new kid would start up, trying but of course they cventually stopped. I found out in 5th grade when we moved to a new neighborhood and school that many kids will make up all sorts of stories. My first day, probably 3/4 of the girls in my class talked to me at some point and all told me to stay away from Lila because she was a terrible person and I wouldn't want to mess with her. I said nothing but knew she lived next door to me. I chose to not believe their words immediately but check it out for myself and decide if this Lila was a bad person or not. She was shy like me, a bit overweight and we had nothing in common to really be friends, so I choose to befriend others, none of the girls who warned me away from her because they were picking on her as kids will do, finding those who aren't willing to join the pack and follow a leader, I was one of those, like Lila who were more of a loner, with a small circle of friends, but these were true friends who wouldn't believe something bad of me just because someone else said so. Ignoring her is your best thing to do.

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I am from india. I am a student preparing for competitive exam and i study but most of time i don't have motivation and i waste my time.

I won't bother going in to why it is important to study, get good grades and graduate because I believe you already know that and that is not enough to motivate you. In most things where we mentally fight ourselves and do the very thing we know we shouldn't, theres a good chance our two minds are fighting each other. This would be your awake or conscious mind and your subconscious mind. The subconscious mind though intelligent enough acts more child like and thinks that way too often. So you need to ask your SM (subconscious mind) why it doesn't want to study. Make a deal with it. Find out something it would like and you will do it but after the exams are over. When your subconscious is no longer fighting you, it should be much easier. You speak to your SM in your mind or you can out loud if alone and no one can hear and think you are crazy. I knew I had to go to the dentist but put it off being scared. It was my SN who was really scared so I treated it as I would a little child with "No reason to be scared yet, we are not at the dentists office yet and so on and it worked for me. The SM also believes that what you focus your thoughts on the most, even if it is something bad, is something that you really want. And its true, you may want to be out riding a bike instead of studying but you need to tell your SM that you want both but it can only happen in a certain order with the studying going first and then the reward of doing your hobby or favorite pastime. Hope this helps

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There is a cop that has been working on a case involving the place where I work. He comes in all the time when I’m there and seems like he’s flirting with me. Is it weird or inappropriate to friend/message him on Facebook?

You treat him the same as any other guy. You've never dated a male whose profession made you change how you spoke to him or approached him before right. I mean something like talking in legal terms to ask out a guy whose a lawyer and so on. If he knows your name and is on facebook and you tell him you are going to send him a friend request, then it should work out okay. If you think he's flirting, he may be flirting just for fun, yes plenty of people do that even tho they already have a sweetie or are single but its too soon after a breakup to get serious. Since flirting can be for fun or serious, you will have to say something that will clue you in as to which one. You could flirt back with, "Are you flirting just to keep up your flirting skills, or are you seriously interested or am I reading you wrong. And if he says you're reading him wrong then you can say, "Oh well, your loss. There are plenty of fish in the sea.If he says he is flirting mostly for fun, not serious, again you could say, Oh well your loss or You better watch out because either I or some other woman might take you seriously.

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Boarding school plays a key role in providing the best education to the child. I am looking for a renowned boarding school in Gwalior for my son. Please help me by suggesting the best boarding school in Gwalior and let me also know about the Scindia School https://www.scindia.edu/ .

The creator of this site lives in U.S. as I do and many others. If any advice giver on here does live in India and knows the answer to your question, they may not see it if they don't get on otten enough. So I could only look up the school you mentioned, Scindia and choose a link for you to look at:

https://www.schoolmykids.com/school/the-scindia-school-gwalior-gwalior-madhya-pradesh-india-s10012704

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This isn’t so much a friendship question as it about roommates. I recently moved to this new place. Everything was fine until one of my roommates started smoking weed. The smell is nauseating and I honestly don’t want the stuff in my system. I’m getting very pissed off, especially when the place has a policy against alcohol, drugs and tobacco. I don’t want to out them, but I also don’t think they’ll stop just because I asked them to.

What should I do? Should I ask them to stop smoking? This is the first time this is happening to me. I don’t know what I should do. By the way, they’re also aged 18-19, so I’m pretty sure its underage use of the stuff as well.

I agree with solid advice for teens, you do need to say something, because until you do, they are not going to know how it makes you ill to smell it. And yes, you can be nice in how you tell them. Although smoking in a separate room indoors or going outside if drugs are prohibited will not work. My daughter lives in such apts and I've stayed the night with her sometimes when visiting. I use marijuana for insomnia which has gotten worse as I get older. used mine outside and when she went out a few minutes later to take out trash, she still smelled the scent and told me if anyone figured out who had used pot, she might get in trouble. I do not smoke joints or in a pipe with just the dried leaves. I use a vaporizer. We know people who use these on their break time to deal with stressful jobs as most people can't pick up any odor unless their nose is as sensitvie as my daughters. Me, I have to use it to get sleep. Your roommates are likely using as recreation which is fine as I don't see it as a terrible drug tho some still feel it is a gateway drug to other drugs. So my suggestion is that you definitely plant the idea in their head to try other options if they want to continue. If using a vaporizer, the pen style contraptions made for that do not really work well at all and break down quickly. If they decide they are seriously going to continue for whatever reason, vaping may still be the best way to go or edibles. But I would recommend going on line and ordering a vape module that is bigger than the pen, its a bit bigger than old clam phones and a prefilled tip or one you get that you can refill will screw into the top. Since there is barely any odor using that, as I said, even a sensitive nose will pick it up. So I use a pillow to exhale in. My sister who is ill and uses, told me that odor can't be detected when exhaling into a pillow. I don't know if it helps when smoking buds but it is worth a try to mention to roommates and is not a hassle to do. Hope this helps.

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Hi I'm a 25/f, and I have a super busy life working and taking care of my one year old. My job is very later back so I'm not as active as I'd like to be, and my diet is extremely bad. I would love to make healthy meals at home, however my living situation makes that extremely difficult. My place doesn't have a kitchen, and the only way to make anything is to buy premade, or microwave it... I feel like surviving off microwave meals would be the death of me. What could I do to make this easier on me?

I am sure you over looked this when you wrote but you were concerned over your health meal wise but said nothing of your child. Many kids do not eat baby foods at this point anymore and want to eat what they see parents and other adults eating whether they have any teeth or not. So please keep the little one in mind when I talk about one pot meals. You can get a small one plate burner you plug in to electricity and it heats and cooks the same as one burner on a stove top. We are living in our Sprinter van and have a Microwave but have yet to build the counter that will hold one hot plate built in and a sink. So, we will be in the same position as you equipment wise. You will at least have a bathroom sink to clean the pot. I would suggest as we do to use paper plates and bowls to cut down on cleaning needs. We will wait til a container isn't hot and use a paper towel to wipe out most the food crap scraps and sauce out of it, then rinse with soap. I looked up on line 'healthy one pot meals and there are quite a few sites so you can go looking later but heres one site: http://www.eatingwell.com/recipes/18264/cooking-methods-styles/one-pot/

I've read articles from eating well before so I guessed this might help. Anything you cook for yourself, you can mash up a bit for the child. Real food tastes way better than baby food. Have you ever tried most of them? YUck...no wonder many kids spit it back out. LOL anyways, I hope this will help you food wise. IF you're busy and not at an active job, the best thing you can do is try to get in some walking. If you don't own a stroller, check with friends and at work to see if someone has one to donate or sell cheap. Then make sure you take your one year old on a few walks a week. You would have to schedule it in since you have alot on your plate. Sorry, didnt mean the pun. So lets say that every Tuesday and Thursday you carve out one hour to go for a walk. If the weather isn't cooperating, no problem, just go to the nearest indoor mall and walk around. At work if there are elevators and stairs, choose the stairs on purpose when you need to get to your floor or climb how ever many flights you can and then take elevator the rest. If you have an hour lunch, spend even 10 minutes going up and down a flight of stairs. Perhaps Our local one had a childcare center so parents could exercise. I don't know about in other states but some fitness chains can be very affordable. We are on a very limited income and are able to afford a fitness center which is where we also thake showers. I know the one we use is across country so you can start by checking them out in your area, Planet Fitness. Do the research with others because if they are close to where your child goes for daycare, its one more stop before home to do whatever you can, treadmill for a gentle or fast walk, bicycle, and people often do just that only for a half hour.
ANy little bit will help.

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I have a vast history of sexual assault. I am in therapy and attempting to recover but I still struggle with the symptoms of PTSD on a daily basis. I am not necessarily comfortable talking about this part of my life with people and would prefer to not bring it up all together. Men, would you prefer a woman to be open about her past experiences? I don’t want to feel like I’m not being honest in relationships by not telling my partner. On the contrary, I am terrified of being seen as damaged goods and having way too much baggage for anyone to want to be with. Do you view women who are rape victims as too much drama and not worth it? Would it be a deal breaker?

I am female, not a male but I can say that when two people are beyond liking each other, loving some aspects of the other and are now in love with each other, that a crucial thing in the relationship is good communication and understanding of the other. Each person is able to imagine to the best of their ability what it might be like for the other person and have compassion and endless support for them as well as the love. The issue is that intimacy and being sexual with other can come up in between the stage of loving the person and being in love. So yes, you may have to explain to your man, because the ability to have sex with a person you are in love with is crucial to a man. He will sense something is off that you can't hide. Perhaps certain words or actions in lovemaking will set you off. I don't believe I would want to find this all out in the middle of making love. But telling ahead of time is best. Just be sure the man is actually in love with you because thats where you will find support and understanding. A person who merely loves some aspects about you, thats not strong enough. It is much like saying I love chocolate icecream, meaning you have a preferance for that flavor. A guy who has only a preferance for you will also find they may taste a new flavor in the future that then becomes their favorite and they love it.

Will a man see you as damaged goods? Depends on the man and that is where you have to be willing to face just about anyone, even shallow minded, jerks who could be cruel enough to say hateful things and call you damaged. However, a good man will understand and they are out there. After a divorce, I got on internet dating and thats how I found my jewel of a husband. I have a heriditary thing where I have lost all my eyebrow hairs. I am getting old enough that the skin above my eyelids now droop badly and that all happened in the +10 years we've been together. He has told me I am still the most beautiful woman and wife and by his actions, I know I am wanted and desired by him. Another man like my ex might have said, go get artifical eyebrows done or use a pencil and mark them in, or I don't want you anymore, you are not pretty. I promise there will be guys who won't see it as baggage or you being damaged goods.

You did not ask to be raped. People marry others every day who end up in the beginning or later making a choice to drink, take drugs, gamble and those control their life and become their baggage. There are people making bad choices and still finding partners. You did not make a choice to get raped, so you don't fit in the same classification that you have in your mind. Like someone who got disfigured in a house fire, that person did not choose to become disfigured and the sure didn't smear their face with oil and then use a lighter to light their self on fire. Bad things happen to good people. We can either be someone who physically just survived it, or we can become an over comer. A survivor is not enough because you still aren't really living due to the fears of what if. An over comer isn't content with merely surviving and will look for any and all ways that they can again be part of those who are living their lives and enjoying them. I am not saying the PTSD will disappear for good. Like a person with a disability, even they are lacking a limb, they will find other ways around that to be able to function just as well as those not missing a limb. A better term would be differently abled instead of disabled. With your PTSD, you are differently abled in some ways and that is something that the right male partner will be able to deal with. Between you and him, you will both come up with plans on how to handle when the flashbacks and other stuff comes up. You need to be willing and open enough to trust another man that closely.

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23 years male from Nigeria..... I met this girl about two months ago in school, you see I just got admission into university and we are both in the same class. When I first met her we clicked we had so much in common we became beasties,she would follow me around school and we call and talk to each other on the phone...she tells me deep personal stuff after herself and her family, she even jokingly said I should ask her out in like 3 months time....everything was going great until we both traveled for Christmas break but still got in touch with each other on the phone... She was even the first person to call and wish me happy new year...although I've not officially asked her out but we were like boyfriend/girlfriend..... on getting to school this January she just changed, if I call her to come over to my place she would say she's busy that she can't come, if I asked to meet after school she would say she is shy of face to face conversation(which she was not)that I should tell her what I want to on the phone...when she sees me in class she will just say hi and walk away...I've called and asked her why she's behaving that way but she says it's nothing....
Please I need advice I really like this girl

When a woman says "Its nothing" when asked why her behavior changed,its a natural response and the truth is, there really is a reason. Since she is not willing to tell you, my guess is she doesn't feel enough trust in you to open up and share whatever it is. Whatever deep things she shared before may be the exception because to her it was ok for her to share. Or perhaps she doesn't know how you will react if it has to do with you and not knowing if you will react badly like angry.

In a good working relationship, a couple must have terrific communication and understanding of each other. Without it the relationship will fail. I am sorry because I can't say there is anything you can say or do right now that will change things so you have a better chance of striking up friendship. See, her will is involved, as to wether she wants to become closer friends, date, share with you what her issues are. Younger women are afraid and always second guessing in their relationship and not always emotionally stable. An older woman would be able to answer a question, is confidant and better at communication her needs and wants.
I am thinking of one thing that could be going on. YOu stated you became besties, close friends. She must have sensed when things changed and you liked her romantically as well which is something a plain friendship does not have. If she does not feel that kind of chemistry with you and she doesn't want to tell you because she knows it would hurt and disappoint you, some people find it easier to avoid explanation, pretend it doesn't exist. If this is the case, she would feel uncomfortable as you would if the tables were turned and it was the other way around. Being with someone and trying to remain just friends with someone who wants more than friends, is un-nerving and puts a person in a spot of always second thinking their every move, action, word wondering if those things are making the other person have even deeper feelings for them, feelings they don't have. These are just possible reasons. All you can' do is write a note and have someone at school deliver to her and let her know you wish to hear the truth, even if it involves avoiding a person because they have feelings for you and you don't. You would at least appre'ciate the consideration of letting you know if thats the case. And then you write whether you are willing to try just friendship without asking her out, even if that is your greatest wish. If she doesn't respond to anything like that, then she is not a good candidate for a relationship until she is willing to communicate better and you can find someone better in time, even though at the moment you won't see it that way.

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Hi Everyone,
Its been a while since I posted here. I stopped asking for advice a long time ago because I never felt like talking about how i felt. However, I decided to give it a try and see what answers i get. I have been feeling so terrible and just need someone, anyone to listen to what i have been through the past few months, and past 3 years. It is a little long so please bare with me.

I have known this guy (lets call him M) for 10 years. We became friends when i was 17 and Now i am almost 26. I was head over heels inlove with him for years. I ended my first long term relationship when i was 17 and when i met him, i fell for him a few months afterwards. We share an amazing bond and have great chemistry. We understand one another, have the same values, friends, and our families are even really close. He knows my brothers and sisters and I know his. Our relationship is a littel crazy. We are a lot like tom and jerry, always running after one another and it always seems to be the wrong time. When i broke off my relationship, he was already in one. We started talking more (we were teens at the time) and he was inlove with his girlfriend and I was in love with him- ofcourse during that time I never thought about right and wrong, i just knew that i loved him and wanted to be with him. He would always act like he had feelings for me but never said it and always left me hurt somehow. Until after, I decided to let go and move on. I was in my share of relationships afterwards and so was he. While i was in relationships, he would text me but i always pushed him away because of my feelings for my boyfriends at the time. I never wanted to let him get to my head and kind of flicked him off. Afterwards, I broke up with my boyfriend, and found that he was in a relationship. I never intentionally wanted to ruin any of his relationships or disrespect it in anyway, neither did he but somehow we always found an (exception) to talk to one another and to stay intouch. He knew how i felt about him when he was in a relationship with this girl for a really long time (a different girl this time) and always told me that he loved her but confessed that he had feelings for me. He couldn't leave her because they were getting engaged and he really did love her ( he just always had feelings for me ) She found messages between us and broke up with him because she didn't know anything about me. After a while, he was always trying to win her back and when he realized that he couldn't, after a long time, decided to contact me again. It was too late by then because ,I have currently been in a long term relationship with my (almost fiance) for 3 years now. We met three years ago and were madly in-love. Ironically, I always had my doubts about this relationship because we are so different in many ways. We have the same principles in life but come from entirely different backgrounds. He is from another country and barely speaks English and I speak both his language ( not fluent) and English. I was raise and born in America and have a different mindset than him. So during those 3 years we've been fighting a lot and having a lot of disagreements and arguments. I always talk about how he doesn't understand me and we are always going back and fourth. Its been a tough time with him, but i Really do love him so much. and I know that he loves me. He proposed a few months ago and we were supposed to get engaged and ever since, many problems have been happening between us. Parents involved and just personal issues with each other. We've had a very rocky relationship for about a year now, but none of us really can or wants to let go and its easier said than done.
Now back to (M), after his engagement was broken off and he was finally over it, he decided to contact me telling me how he feels and that he wants to come talk to my dad and propose to me. He said he has always been inlove with me but its always been bad timing (either for me or for him) and that we both have the same dreams and outlook on life and we are the perfect match. I completely agree with everything that he said because since i was 17 all i ever dreamed about was being married to him and till today, I still feel that way despite being in my relationship. Anyway, he begged me to leave my relationship to be with him and told me that he will help me get over it. I obviously couldnt do that because I was inlove with my guy and Obviously still have feelings for (M) but had to reject him because it was just a mess in my head. It was the wrong time, just like always. After a few months of rejecting him, I find out that he had gotten into a serious relationship with this girl. She was someone new he met, someone he liked and wanted to be with. I was kind of shocked but figured that he would be with someone eventually, I just didn't think so soon. Especially that he told me how much he regretted being with other people and wish he had told me how he felt earlier and wasnt in any of those relationships. However,I was happy for him because I was happy in my own relationship. Up until, this whole situation started to affect me and my relationship really badly. Me and my guy were constantly fighting, at eachothers throats, the relationship became so toxic and unhealthy, but still, we could never leave. Things would get better, then worse, then better again and its been like this till today. So i was already having my doubts about my own relationship and all i could think of was if me and M were actually the right fit and if i made a mistake continuing in my own relationship. i always try to push that feeling away and focus on my relationship so i dont ruin things from these thoughts, but i find that no matter what i think, it just seems to get worse and worse. A few weeks ago, M spoke to my brother and told him he was getting married and invited him to the wedding. He insisted that my brother told me and told my brother that if i left my relationship to be with him then he would leave his fiance in a second. Ofcourse, i was in shock that he was getting married and didnt mention it to me when he wished me happy birthday a month ago, but i knew that he probably didnt wanna hurt me or have that conversation because he knows how i feel about him.
I honestly texted him and congratulated him, i told him i was happy for him but dissapointed that he didnt tell me especially seeing how close we were to one another. He said that he wanted to see if i was gonna write him and congratulate him. We talked for a while and he asked if he could see me one last time. I told him i didnt think it was a good idea since were both in relationships, and he insisted that he just saw me one last time. I honestly know that its not the right thing to do. But i have held back my feelings for him for such a long time because i was in a relationship and happy. There were so many things i wish i could have told him. Like how much i love and care about him and how hes always been the love of my life and that im sorry things didnt work out between us. I felt like i wanted to let that all out before he tied the knot for good and was finally married. I have terrible guilt trips, going to see him was not easy for me to do, but I tried to convince myself that this was something i needed to get off my chest so that i would have zero regrets. I met up with him and we talked for hours and hours about all the years that passed and how we felt about eachother, the times we spent together and all the crazy memories we have with one another. We laughed and cried, we talked about everything and let out everything. He told me he still loves me and knows that he shouldnt be saying that. I told him that i always loved him as well and that I do love my boyfriend, but I have to tell him how i feel before its too late. I made it clear to him that i would never get myself involved with a married man, even though hes always been an exception in my life and I in his, but its enough that we already saw eachother when were both committed. He knows that i am a really loyal person, and I know that he is too, but we both just had to let it out once and for all. When i told him how i felt, he started to cry and we shared a really intense hug and he told me that I just dropped a bomb on him. I told him that i never told him I loved him because I am in a relationship with someone else and its not right-- but that i owe it to him and myself to be honest. I told him that i want to see him happy and married despite us never having a chance with eachother because of our circumstances. It was always bad timing for us and none of us was ever really able to just drop their life to be with the other because we always cared about someone else at the same time. Somehow we always stayed in touch and always made sure that our significant others would never find out that we checked on eachother from time to time and we worry and care about one another. When i saw him, we were honest about everything and just let it all out. He kept saying things like 'What do i do? " tell me what to do? I can't hurt her, shes already planning the wedding. I told him i would never want him to walk away from someone for me, because I am not ready to even walk away from my relationship for him either. We are both way too attached to our significant other but are attached to eachother in some way as well. ( we talk occasionally btw, and its usually a "hey how are you, hows it been?) that turns up to a 2-3 day conversation until one of us feels like they have to end it because we know how we feel.
I know going to see him wasnt the right thing to do, but i needed to do it to get it off my chest. And i finally did. Now i can sleep in peace knowing that he knows how i feel about him and knowing that he loves me too but just that life has its weird way of being unfair.
Me and my boyfriend were fighting before I saw him for a few days, now after Ive seen him we are still not speaking. (Again, this has nothing to do with M, these are personal and family issues that we have) things are so hard between us right now that we dont even know how to communicate anymore.
My relationship is failing... and M is getting married and all i feel is terrible at this point.
My relationship has become too hard for me to deal with and save, I have done it so many times I cant even count. Im on the edge of just giving up and at the same time, I am so incredibly depressed after meeting M. I feel like my feelings crept back on me and in such a terrible time. I love him and Ive always loved him. But i do love my boyfriend in a way.
I never ever believed that I could love two people at the same time, until this happened to me. I guess you can love people differently, and I don't like to feel like im such a terrible person because of it. I can't control how i feel. I'm not disloyal, Ive never been. This was just a once in a lifetime situation for me and now that hes finally getting married, I feel so hurt about it. I feel like I am trying to fix my relationship and trying to get over someone at the same time ( worst feeling ive ever expirenced in my life)
I told M that we needed to stop talking for good, and let go of eachother (because i didnt want him to do anything crazy )
He didnt like the idea but didn't insist on not doing that. I told him all is said and done, and all he kept saying was 'I really hope i dont find excuses to cancel my wedding, I know that were meant to be. "
I haven't spoken to him or my boyfriend for a few days now and feel like a mess.
Is it really possible to love someone and not feel compatible? There are so many questions i ask myself about my relationship and its so hard to make any decisions, let alone make any decisions when i have feelings for someone else aswell.
Trust me when I say that I am not a dishonest or cheating person. I never knew things like this would happen to me and i never intended to hurt myself this much.
Im not sure what questions I have about this,
all i know is that i am a mess and want to feel like someone understands.
Any advice will be appreciated.

Thank you for reading.

Hon, I am so glad you wrote and wish you had written about this long ago as I have some information that will likely take that confusion away. You stated you have no control over your feelings but in a way, you actually do and I'll get to that soon. Plus while long, my answer is longer as theres so much detail to share.

At the end you asked, “Is it really possible to love someone and not feel compatible? “
Yes it is possible to have feelings of Love for someone who is wrong for you. But I also feel there's a great difference between Love and Being in Love. It might sound like insignificant word play on my part. SO I will give examples. People say they love things every day. “Oh, I just love chocolate, I love that band, I love dancing, I love good humor in a person, etc. So just 'love' is actually a preferance for one thing over another. Being in Love means it is unconditional love. While the partner may mess up, it's few and far between and nothing that was intentional or stuff that can hurt a relationship. All mundane tasks are actually fun simply because your partner is at your side, (ie grocery shopping, preparing dinner, doing chores. In fact, unless you're a person who needs a ton of private time, two people in love with each other will prefer being with each other and feel like something is missing when apart even briefly. If one mate were to lose the other, it would feel as drastic as having a piece of you cut off, like missing an arm or leg and you'd never feel complete or content or joyful after losing this mate.

Because of the constant fighting, I can safely tell you that the current relationship is a toxic one, not meant to be you life long mate. Sure any relationship has disagreements but that isn't constant and one can still love their mate and disagree on something and be willing to come to a compromise. It seems you are confused simply because you have feelings for this guy you fight all the time.

Rather than repeat much of what she wrote which I believe will open your eyes about relationships, I'd like to recommend you look for a book by Dr. Linda Papadopoulos called What Men Say, What Women Hear. I will share a paragraph as it is crucial for you to see right now before more time goes by.

“SEX: Women want to experience a certain emotional closeness before sex, while men view sex as a route to this closeness. Woman regard sex as both an accompaniment to a strong relationship and a method of securing that relationship in the first place. For men, its a physical act that can lead to an emotional bond but they often seek sex just for the sake of sex. For women, the emotional bond is tied into the physical act so they have difficulty seeing the two separately and thus have the hard time with still feeling love for a guy who mistreats them or broke up with them.” Linda Papadopoulos

I found that at my Library and if you can't, try a bookstore having them research and order it for you.

I hope you noted that part of how a woman can still feel love whether the guy breaks up with them, mistreats them, is a toxic person or just not enough in common and different viewpoints and morals etc to be Mr. Right for you. That is a reason why you are having a hard time breaking up and leaving a relationship you realize is toxic. I was in a toxic marriage for 30 years. Actually, he was verbally abusive and yet I continued to love him until by his actions, he had used up all the love in my heart without doing things to redeposit love into my heart. Its like banking, once you've taken out all the money, you can't draw out any more and have to start making deposits. So at one point, I totally lost any love I used to have for him. That can happen to you too after some time being married to the current guy.

Now to what I referred to at the start, something else besides what you've already heard why a woman can feel love in a toxic relationship. And this has to do with your subconscious mind which I'll refer to as SM. Your SM is aware all the time even though you are awake. When watching a sad movie, even though you know its a made up story with actresses, what your subconscious sees, it reacts to as if it was for real and happening to you. Your SM makes sure you take your next breath, blink your eyes, without having to think about doing that, so it is really there, aware all the time. It will be aware of things you experience and what you spend the most time thinking about. Unfortunately, it often has a childs mentality and assumes that Every thing you think about most is very important to you even if it is something not so good for you.

So you can't trust that you are meant to be with him just because of feeling love. Can you say that he is in love with you and you are in love with him based on what I shared being in love is?
I can already tell by measuring it up against 'in ' that he isn't. If He were truly in love with you he would not be so irritated to the point of anger, instead he'd calmly discuss anything that he has a problem with, without blaming you and trying to work to an amiable solution together. Example, when I shared my day with hubby, he would be listening even if busy doing something. At some point, I was so side tracked mentally I forgot to really listen to him share his day and when he realized, he did not get angry but told me what it felt like to him and he felt neglected. This is called 'owning your feelings without blaming the other person for intentionally causing them. I corrected myself immediately because it hurt me to think that something I did had hurt him and he feels the same way, with neither of us able to see the other hurting and will ask if there is anything we can do to make things better. There is a willingness when you are truly in love with the other person.

Your (M) sounds like a nice guy. Heck he even cried when learning you loved him. But here this, its never too late until you both are dead. Since you aren't, its best to straighten out your thoughts on this before one or the o ther gets married.
See, what I get from your and M's past is that both of you were young when you met and split. Your decision making skills among other things were compromised, and both of you unable to make a good decision simply because the frontal lobe of your brain wasn't done growing, wasn't mature yet. You can look it up, its a real thing scientists have proved and they say this part of brain doesn't mature until the mid twenties so since you'll be 28 soon and I assume he is the same age or a year off, both of you now have mature brains that are telling you that the love you felt for each other in the beginning was the real thing. So why were each of you never available for the other all along since then? I think its likely that you are both very social people, you felt too alone or naked without a partner back then or simply got into other relationships to distract you from your original relationship.

Yes, it would suck for his fiancee to have to cancel wedding plans and with the fact that some monies are not going to be refundable. But it would suck even worse for him to push himself to make it work, be very unhappy and then divorce her later after a kid or two. That is definitely worse. Its nots like it hasn't happened before. I can't say that M is Mr Right for you, but I can certainly say the other guy isn't. So how do you know if M is right or you should overlook both guys and keep looking. You didn't ask but I bet you were thinking it.
I went through this after my divorce, trying to figure out which of the new guys I wanted for a 2nd husband. Out of that came this document I will paste in on how to find Mr. Right

How to find Mr. Right

I went through this search in my late forties after an almost 30 yr marriage to a man who was never in love with me, verbally abusive and not my sexual match. I was ready to finally find Mr Right and what I believe I heard while praying, is that I had to make several lists and refine them as I went along.

First, how well do you know yourself? I used a dating site 2nd time around. It worked for me to find my true love. However, to fill out a profile for yourself, or to really describe yourself in a convo in person, your personality and who you are at core, is hard to do, like writing about your work strengths in a resume. So this is just as important as a resume only more so. You can easily leave a job that doesn't work out. Its much harder with a boyfriend or husband. So its best to be able to describe yourself well for those few you meet who may be promising. This is not just those met online but any you meet in person as you're out and about. They will have something specific they are looking for as well and need to be able to recognize the possibility that you may be the one for them. At least, hopefully they will, if not, they may not recognize that you are the one for him and that is too bad for him. You want a guy who sees the real you inside too and will know he wants you, the whole package. You'll need this list or bio on yourself before you can form the list of what you are looking for in a guy.

So, ask yourself what it is in life that lights you up, makes you not just happy but content and feeling fulfilled. Ask yourself what is or are the passions deep inside that push you to seek out certain hobbies, pastimes, certain people with the same?

I'll give you an example. One of the things that make me passionate about certain things in life is that I am a nurturing person deep at core. This nurturing desire needs to be expressed and has been through several different avenues. For one, being a mother and raising my kids, now grandkids, loving planting and tending a garden, and yes, giving advice in an advice column. All of these things require a person driven by nurture, such as my wanting to be of help to you, to see you break free of whatever is holding you back in life or keeping you unhappy.

Once you have defined yourself with some really good descriptive words or scenerios, you will be drawing on this list to make a specific list of criteria of what is most important in a guy.
If you need help with the list of yourself, please just ask me and I will help.

Now, for the list of what you feel is Mr. Right for you.
Actually, there will be two lists. A list of Must Haves, things which if missing are a deal breaker because they are that important to you. Do not let any guy tell you that your criteria is extremely unreasonable. I got that often. It means the guy can't meet your criteria, can't meet your Must Haves and wants you to lower your standard for them and they don't give a crap about who you are and why these are your criteria. A deal breaker would be “I want a guy who wants to have kids” “I want a guy who isn't afraid to commit, settle down and marry” “I want a guy who is open minded spiritually and will allow me to believe whatever I do without trying to convert me to his belief” “I want a guy who never raises his voice to me and is able to calmly talk things out.” “I want a guy who isn't a smoker or recreational drug user”.
I for example am very allergic to cigarette smoke or the lingering odor of it. Guys who smoked met with me pretending at first that they didn't. Sitting across a table at a restaurant first time, I couldn't pick it up but when riding in their car on a later date it was heavy cigarette odor in there. He claimed he didn't smoke, it was from his son who uses the car but later by habit pulled out a cigarette and felt it was okay to lie to me cus I might fall in love once I got to know him and the cigarette smoke wouldn' t matter. It mattered that strongly to me and pissed off a couple guys real badly but you have to stick with what you want. Sticking with your needs, not lowering standards, helps to eliminate guys with major character faults, such as being inconsistent, liars, cheaters, etc....

Do not worry that this is extreme. In fact it has been found in tests done that men (the good ones worth having) are attracted to a woman who knows what she wants, a woman who will stick by it without making excuses or apologizing for it, not afraid to ask for or state what she wants. This attitude is basically having a strong self confidence and self confidence in a woman is what made these good men choose the confident woman over the model types in looks in a test case study.

The other list is the what you want, like the icing on the cake. It is not a need or requirement but would be nice. This list you don't share with the guy. Its for yourself in case you find several guys who meet all the critieria of your other list, to help you choose from among them.
So here is where you find things like, he likes to go dancing, he is a musician or sings well, he likes gardening, has interest in meditation, has long hair, has a 6 pack. I listed that I wanted a man who was height and weight proportionate. This means maybe there might be some chub but basically they will look reasonably okay without looking like a body builder. These things are not deal breakers to me, but if they are to you, then they're in the wrong list. This list is things you would like to see but if you don't get them, you can live without it, for the rest of your life.

I promise, these lists will help. You'll also refine it or think of things to add as you run across guys or problems that you didn't think needed to be in a list. Then if not using a dating site and posting these out there right in the beginning, at least on a 2nd date if a guy asks you out twice, (means he is reasonably interested in you) tell him you have something important you need to share with him. It's important to you. Then recite your list to him. If afraid you may leave something important off, have copies of your list in your purse to hand out to a guy. If he looks at you like this must be a joke or asks such, keep calm and smile nicely and let him know that you are very serious and have resorted to this measure because simply going out with just random guys in the past and into a relationship resulted in the wrong guy each time. It is okay to give examples if he asks. Make no excuses. If he gets upset or has a problem with any of your criteria, you could ask him why, but you can't rely at this early stage whether he may be telling the truth or not to get you to trust him and lower your standards. It is best to tell him you've decided to not consider him, as if he was an applicant for a job and his resume just isn't enough to get the position of 'boyfriend'. Think of yourself as your own human resources manager, looking for the perfect applicant for the available position of 'boyfriend.' Obviously, you will have to turn away many hopefuls. I even had some guys beg me to choose them by the end of a first time meet up. That killed it. Spoke volumes of them feeling insecure, wimpy as males, and having low self esteem, all of which I wished to avoid.
Hope this helps you. This is a lot said and yet there is so much more detail to share. So ask me if you have questions.
But you have to go this time to browsing columnist and look for me, Dragonflymagic and write to me from there or I won't be able to respond.

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I want to be a dentist but i dont know if its worth the debt

I don't know if dentistry has the same issues as the rest of medical field. I have a daughter who graduated with a degree to be a Dr.s assistant. Of all those she graduated with, she only found that a handful at most found jobs right away. A few maybe found jobs much later but she could not find any. The market was flooded. She was told the same I hear often, that the Medical field is the fastest growing field with plenty of jobs and not enough graduates to fill them. That is a lie just to get students to file for student loans. Yes, its a fast growing field but already has all the workers they need and the positions they do have to fill are quite small when compared to the thousands who are done with school and looking for a job. She ended up working at Walmart as a stocker. My new husband has a daughter who was top of her class in CGI computer generated imagery, and it took about 6 years before she got a part time job where she could use her degree. In the meanwhile, she had to make payments immediately wether she had a job or not so she took whatever she could get. One job was working in a daycare doing almost nothing but changing diapers all day long and that is what she did to make her payments. We were on her loan but are living on the poverty level and living out of our van made into a home. It is by choice to cut costs. I told the story of a non medical job to give you an idea of how hard it is to . They are only two example from my family but I know plenty of people who aren't working jobs related to their degree because it is hard to get jobs these days. You know how they say about houses that its a sellers market or buyers market as to who will benefit more. Right now its an employers market. They have so many to choose from and they can get away with low pay and treating employees unfairly because if a worker complains, they can be fired. People are working jobs they hate just to pay bills. The only jobs a person ca get seems to be fast food, janitor or maid, and other such jobs just to pay bills. So if you have a burning desire to work on peoples teeth, go for it and then you'll have to be a go getter, working harder than most to find a job where you can get your first experience and pay student loans. If you simply want a job that you believe will pay better money than most, yes it could but not in the beginning while still getting your experience, you'll still struggle in the beginning. We do need new dentists to replace those who retire, theres always some turnover so if you are willing to chance it because you love it so much, go for it. If not, think about a trade school instead as the market is wide open but colleges wont tell you that. Look up Mr Rowe talking about student loans and blue collar work. There are videos on Youtube. He used to do the show Dirty jobs,, blue collar work and all the employers he talked to off camera said tey can't find any people to fill the jobs and they are always running without enough help and the money sounds pretty good to me. So I challenge you to look that up and watch if you are kind of iffy on how much you want to be a dentist.

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My best friends(2) and I recently had a fight. We've made up since then but only because I said sorry. They always left me out and never really did anything even after I told them multiple times to help me out. After I while I stopped associating with them. Then I decided to end this friendship cause I have severe depression, and they were once the only things that made me happy and kept me alive, and it hurt to see them as a duo, when we're really a trio. I told one of them, who also had depression, about the fact that I have depression too. When I brought it up,both of them started blaming me for it, and told me I should have come to them. When I said I did, and helped them recount it, they told me that 'I' should have taken it carefully and not just casually mention it. I was confused so the next day I apologized and told both of them that I had depression and my insecurities influenced my actions. Now, after a while, they have finally started treating me well after a long while. But only because one of them who is the 'dominator' of out group started treating me like a person.Sorry if it all looks confusing but I had to explain it shortly. Please help me out. I feel mixed emotions cause now they're actually including in me and not just in their own bubble. I needed help cause its been messing with my head a lot.

I don't see it as you doing anything wrong, no matter how you tell friends you have depression, it is wrong for them to dictate how exactly you should tell them. All you wanted was understanding and support. Understanding what is going on with you is one thing, but getting support from others who are also dealing with depression, means they can't really give support if they are suffering as well. Overthinking was already mentioned and yes, I suppose there is some of that going on.
I am going to use an analogy to make it clear to you that they can't help you feel better. Maybe then you won't feel so oonfused about it.
Everyone person has a brain that needs feel good hormones. Think of it as a receptacoe in the brain that holds all these hormones and the purpose of the hormones is to be of use to help our brains when we suffer something stressful. Some people are born with brains that are not able to create these hormones on their own so they need to take synthetic meds that simulate the same action. THat is called clinical depression. Then there are people whose brains can create the hormones but due to a bad situstion they went through, all the hormones got ussed up in dealing with their feelings over whatever stress they went through. When these levels get low or run dry in people like this, it is called depression also because depressed is another word describing low levels.

There had been studies on depression of those able to create these hormones and one Dr discovered that only a slight amount of his patients had clinical depression. The majority of people diagnosed with depression have the kind they can reoover from and live happy and joyfully without depression. I have someone in my family with depression but they rejected all help. A daughter whose boyfriend dumped her went into what I call situational depression as it was based on a situation she went through. I had learned what a person can do to quickly begin to raise those depressed levels of feel good hormones and they are so simple. I have used them myself. Suggest it to daughter but heck, who thinks their parent knows anything, she took her one free visit to a psychologist who knowing she couldnt come again plus from a few questions realized it was situational, not clinical, gave her a list of things to do to help. She got excited and showed me the list saying "You're smart mom, everything you told me is on this list from the Dr. What he knows is something only some psychologists have learned and studied and practice while others still poo poo the idea. It is called CBT, or cognitive The behavioral therapy. THe psychologist who trains new psychologists on this and turned author, once upon a time rejected the CBT idea until a collegue challenged him and he was shocked when most of his patients started responding positively and most being cured. His name is David D. Burns and heres his website. He has his books listed there.

https://feelinggood.com/

It is hard to actually follow and heal yourself just through reading as a cbt Dr will personalize the basics to fit you as you learn to overcome fears, anxieties, distorted thinking or stinking thinking as a few Drs. have coined it. So there is help. Even those with clinical depression who still need meds find they do better knowing about cbt.

You can't change your friends for the better. So since depression is your basic issue, I would suggest working on yourself first. Once you are on medication if need be, or totally healed using CBT, you will be able to look at the friend situation more clearly and decide if they are the kind of friends you really want, ones who are helpful, supportive, encouraging instead of making you feel the opposite. If you don't have insurance coverage you will have to read a ot on the website and go over it closely and apply the things you see, to your life. If you go to your general practice MD for a referral, he may give you someone untrained in CBt. Its best to go straight to your insurance ans ask about coverage, ask for names of Dr.s in your area who have the CBT after their name or in their description of what they do. Give those names and contact info to your Dr. iIas most won't see you until there is a referral. I hope this all gives you some hope. If you want the list of simple things that will raise your feel good hormones, let me know and I will give it to you. But you can't ask in the place where you rate me and can make comments as i can't respond to you from there. You have to browse columnists and find me, Dragonflymagic and go to my column and write to me from there if you want me to send you something.

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I didn't pay attention to the light on my dash which meant my 2012 Chevy sonic needed servicing. Its been there a few months. She started overheating a week ago and it turns out I needed water. No crazy lights went off or anything. Mechanic changed oil and put water in. She runs smooth again & the 'needs servicing' light is out but when I drive I smell a burned idk...oil or burned rubber smell. Like I said before she runs smooth again. Is my car going to blow up? Will a diagnostic test tell me anything?

We had that happen once after an oil change, some oil was spilled on the outside of other engine parts so when those parts heated while driving, the heat basically slowly burned off the oil giving that smell. We however took it back to the people who worked on our car and thats where we found that out when they couldn't find anything else wrong. But it is smart to call, tell them whats going on and that since you've already been there, would like them to take a peek to be sure, at no extra cost, just to make sure they don't see anything else. Since it's not brand new, who's to tell that something else went wrong after you got the car back.

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My boyfriend of over a year just informed me that he cheated on me three times about six months ago. And my trust for him is just about gone, but I don’t know if I should go or stay. But he’s said he’s changed since then. I’m just not sure what to do??? - Female, 15.


Since it is still soon enough, I can do an edit and add changes here. Next time, please do not share your thoughts where you grade my response as I can't answer from there. If after I share this next piece you want to say something go to browse columnists and look for Dragonflymagic and there youll find a button to send a message.


Never ever change the parts of you that make you who you are like your characteristics and personality. The only things that need changing are the things that all people need to be better humans like being more kind than critical, more giving like paying it forward, smiling more, being more generous, being patient, that sort of thing. These are things that make us human and should strive for. If you meet someone who doesn't have these qualities, maybe because of their age or they are immature, it is not wise to push a person who isn't ready to change. We can only change ourselves, not someone else. You can be a good example but it is still on the other person to see that and Want to change for the better.
Now we'll go over character faults. Some are borderline and may be considered a fault to one person but not to another. However the usual faults are most often not a one time, first time occurrence, and what you see on the surface goes much deeper in a person. Moat teens, especially boys are not wanting to hear all this and not ready to since the greater majority of all males want to experience sex for the first time after they start puberty. That is number one on their mind due to their age and they will lie, force, say what they think a teen girl wants to hear so they can get what they want. Even the words I love you, or prove you love me are quickly learned by guys because they realize that due to females emotional make up, they almost always fall for it. I did too at your age and a bit older. I learned that a good trait witnessed by me not just once but consistently is what to look for in the beginning. Also to not be swayed by words but by a guys actions. If you see a bad trait, watch the guy to see if eventually it happens again. You are young yet and need to learn this...it is crucial hon to finding a real good boyfriend and eventually husband someday.

I had the experience of a man who lost his temper, would criticize me, tear me down, yell, etc so on one of my dates after my divorce, I went on 2 dates where we both drove at hung out at public sites and all was okay until he invited me to dinner at his house. People at first tend to be on best behavior hiding all their shortcomings so when they feel you have fallen for them or like them enough to see them again as the case was here, they let down the mask or pretense and are themselves. When I walked in the first words he spoke where “Please excuse the terrible mess in my house, my (racial slurs) maid is responsible and I will have to fire her.” This was spoken in a raised somewhat angry voice, his home was absolutely spotless too. So what this told me is that not only is he anal and a perfectionist, but a racist and very critical and it would be just a matter of time before he turned hate ful words towards me and verbally abused me as he just did his maid. I went through with the dinner but after I went home, I never called him back and when he called, told him that I just wasn't feeling chemistry with him. Men seem to understand that for an explanation, and though a lie, I feel its okay since I once had a guy react badly to the truth, he lied about being a heavy smoker and I am allergic so when I told him why I wouldn't see him, he left several hateful phone messages. People who know they have a fault and don't want to change, do not want to hear it from a potential date and can become very angry and who knows how far that could go, hitting?

Yes, there will be mistakes a teen does as far as the do”s and don”ts of how to relate to another but once they learn what they did wrong and change, then there shouldn't be a problem. And its this stuff w e should learn to forgive another for. Kissing two different girls was not an unintentional mistake. Once, well maybe, losing control in the moment. But he did it again and then he went a step further with a gal whom he was able to convince to have sex with him. Some times a guys wants to experiences sex o raunchy or forbidden sex on the side but when it comes to whom they want for a girl friend or wife, they do not want the loose girl who has sex with anyone, but the kind of female they can feel proud to be seen with, take home to meet the parents, but behind the bedroom door, she is a tiger, compatible with him, wanting to please him as much as he pleases her, be wild, unpredictable, but only with him. Young boys try to get both, the sluttish one and the lover but not with one person, in many as your guy has done. So he doesn't know how to commit and if no promises were made in the beginning a guy will feel he hasn't really broken any promise. Asking a girl to be his girlfriend is something a female thinks means he will only be with her, commit to her for as long as they date remaining monogamous with her until it ends and one goes to the next relationship. This is called serial monogamy and females seem okay with this and assume a guy wants this. A guy asking a girl to date him, may not even have any feelings for her. It is not important to have feelings, like her, j ust the novelty of being able to say he has a girlfriend is enough reason to ask a girl to date him.
He is not making a commitment to be only with her and never with another girl, not unless she asks him to and he is very willing and loves her and makes that promise. Girls need to take control, not wait to be asked to date, find a guy whose inward qualities you like, ask him out and if a guy is interested in you and wants to date, then you tell him you need to discuss somethings before you agree to date if he is on the same page as you and will agree first to what you say. Then you list what you will not tolerate.I would suggest that one of these is you ask for a commitment to only be with you, no other girls. But its wise to give him an out and say that if anything changes for him, he doesn't feel the same or wants to be with another girl, that he bring it up with you, not hide it lie and do behind your back. You value honesty and openess and expect that from him. Use your own words but if you make sure to state the boundaries, before you even date, a guy can't later say there were no such rules.

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I hope you don't mind me coming to you for advice personally, but this is a question I really don't want just anyone answering and I feel you're the best person to answer it. I've read some of your advice before and I'd love to get advice from someone as kind and comforting as you are who also shares some of my beliefs as you do.

I saw a doctor on December 19 to check for a thyroid problem. Way back in 2015, I took my granddad to a doctor and about a week or so later, my mom took him back to the same doctor who told her he thought I had a thyroid problem. He really wasn't supposed to say anything about it as apparently there's some kind of rule against doctors giving medical advice to people who aren't patients. However, I guess it'd been weighing on him that he didn't say anything to me about it, so he told her and she's been nagging me ever since to get my thyroid checked. I honestly didn't think there was anything wrong with my thyroid, plus I'm a bit of a procrastinator, so I kept putting it off. Nearly five years later, I caved and finally saw a doctor about it.

The doctor felt my neck and much to my surprise, she said she thought my thyroid did feel enlarged, but also said it may have just been because my neck is so skinny. She had a lab tech draw some of my blood and then sent me home. When I mentioned to some people that I may have a thyroid problem, they made me feel so much better. The acted like I'd said I may have a cold. They treated it like nothing and said that if there was something wrong with my thyroid, I'd simply have to take a pill and once I did, I'd feel so much better.

The doctor called the first week of January and said I did not have a thyroid problem and my blood test looked fine. I was relieved and felt like a huge weight had been lifted off my shoulders. Then Monday morning (it's technically Wednesday morning now), I was surprised and worried to get another call from the doctor and from CVS Pharmacy. I missed both calls, but when I called CVS back, they said I had a vitamin D3 prescription there. That didn't seem like anything to worry about, but when I called my doctor's office back, I got some much more distressing news. I spoke to the lab tech who took my blood. Apparently she had just noticed a couple of things in my blood test that she'd missed before. She let me know that my vitamin D3 levels were very low (hence the vitamin D3 prescription) and that she feared I had an autoimmune disease.

She said the doctor wanted to refer me to a rheumatologist to find out exactly what I have.
She asked if I'd be interested in her doing that right then and there. I knew I had to do whatever I had to do to take care of this issue, but I said I wasn't interested at that time. I have no health insurance. The museum I work for doesn't make enough money to provide it's employees with benefits and I'm too old to be on my parents' insurance. I'd had to pay for my December doctor's visit out of pocket and it cost an arm and a leg. I told the lab tech that I just wasn't sure how I'd pay for a visit to the rheumatologist, but another reason I didn't let her set up an appointment just then was because I was so shocked and scared to hear that I may have an autoimmune disease that I just wasn't ready to commit to facing it yet.

I started looking up autoimmune diseases I may have and there are some terrible ones like lupus, multiple sclerosis, and type 1 diabetes. I used to think I was safe from type 1 diabetes because I thought people with it were always diagnosed as kids and that the disease always came on very quickly. I thought I'd be in the hospital already if I'd been living with undiagnosed type 1 diabetes since December or earlier. But I recently found out that you can actually be diagnosed at any age and the disease can come on slowly.

Monday night, I told my mom what the lab tech had told me. My mom is usually calm and composed and typically fantastic at comforting me when I'm scared or worried about something, but even she seemed so scared that she was of no comfort to me. Not at first at least. After she got over the initial shock, she started saying that everything was gonna be okay and acted like everything was perfectly fine, but I wonder if she really believed that or if she was just trying to make me feel better.

My mom told me she'd pay for my rheumatologist visit and told me to go ahead and schedule it. I was supposed to do so yesterday, but I chickened out. I looked for any excuse not to, but I know I'm gonna have to do it very soon and I feel it'd be best to bite the bullet and do it today, but I'm scared. I don't know how I'm gonna get up the nerve to do it. I'm also scared though that I'm gonna chicken out again and I know I can't keep doing that.

There are just so many things I'm scared about and the fact that I may be sick is just one of them. Another is worrying what exactly I'm sick with. It could be something minor and treatable or it could be something very serious and incurable. I also worry about what I'll do if I need some kind of expensive treatment for whatever I have. I have no health insurance and it's harder than heck to get insurance when you have a serious preexisting condition. I'm not exactly poor, but I'm not far from it. I'm frequently broke and I have nothing very valuable that I can sell to get up money for treatment if I need it. My mom said that she and my dad would help me if I needed it and I know they would, but they're not exactly rich either. I have an uncle who's somewhat wealthy and another who owns his own business. She said she'd go to them for help if it came to that, but I don't want to be a burden to anyone. I don't want anyone to have to give up their own hard earned money for me. I feel blessed because I know my parents and uncles would help if I needed them to, they'd insist on it if there was no other way, but I'd feel guilty if they had to do so. Also, I don't really want the whole world to know if I'm sick. I know I should tell my family, but I have an Aunt with a very big mouth who's likely to tell everyone. I want to keep this very private and if my aunt, who's married to my wealthy uncle, finds out, I might as well put if on the national news.

I'm terrified of getting my diagnosis at the rheumatologist. One reason I came to you is because you believe in God as do I. I keep telling myself that God is with me and that He'll take care of me, but that doesn't mean life will be all rainbows and puppy dogs. He does let us go through very tough times sometimes. I also keep telling myself that no matter what happens, at least I have the hope of going to Heaven after I die and never facing an illness or other tough time ever again. However, I think I might have a minor case of OCD and I frequently worry about if I really would go to Heaven if I were to get sick and die. I believe in Jesus, I know the Gospel, I've asked Jesus to forgive me for my sins and be my Lord and Savior, but I still worry about if I'm doing something wrong. I don't feel saved. I know they say that being saved doesn't require feeling saved, but there are times I don't feel like I exhibit fruits of the spirit as you're supposed to once you get saved and I know of people who believe in predestination. Personally, I never have believed in predestination, but it might explain why I don't always exhibit fruits of the spirit. I don't really believe this, but I have this gnawing concern that God doesn't want me. That He won't allow me to be saved. You probably think I'm crazy for thinking this way and I probably am, but it worries me either way.

What am I gonna do? Do you have any advice for getting through this? For facing my diagnosis or for my financial or spiritual situations? I'm really sorry this wound up being so long. I didn't mean for it to be, but I felt there was a lot I needed to tell you. If you can help me at all, I'd really appreciate it.

You did already go to a Dr a couple of times for blood work. Somehow you managed to get past your fears to do it no matter how scary. On the one hand you already know cost isn't a problem if family is wiling to help if need be. The other part of you is looking for excuses to not learn what is really wrong and thus says it doesn't want to be a burdon. If you've read some of my answers in the past, hopefully you've seen me explain how our subconscious mind (SM) comes into play here. I will share my own
example. My awake or conscious mind has pretty much never been at odds with my SM. I am one who talks to myself often. I believe that when we do, we are either unknowingly or consciously aware we are speaking to that other part of ourselves, our SM. This may not seem related to your issue but I will show how it is and is a separate issue from what you tend to suffer regarding faith. We'll get to that later.

I don't know if college psychology classes touch on it the way I see it but the way I see it and from reading books, have come to believe that it is important for a person to have both SM and awake mind working in harmony together. And the best way I've found, that has worked for me, is to imagine that my SM is like another person inside of me, with its own feelings and emotions on things, but at the same time, I've found my SM to be more like a child, call it your inner child which is a popular term but a wise child who continues to think two oppostie things, like adult understanding versus irrational child like fears. I found I had to listen to my SM and if it was fearful, talk to it in ways that would help with the fears so that we can both be on the same page about difficult things that need to be done. My favorite example is a fear I had of going to dentist. I speak to my SM and named it as one would name a pet or their car. I talk to it in my mind or out loud when no one is near. I told it I realized it was afraid of the dentist. I was talking now as if talking to my grade school children. I said that we still had to go to the dentist but there was no reason to be scared yet because that was tomorrow SMWhen tomorrow came, I said no reason to be scared as we haven't arrived at the building yet. Once there I backed it off to not being in the chair yet, to its only x-rays beings taken and then finally the time to be worked on and I promised my SM that I would arrange with the Dr. hand signals when I needed him to stop so I could spit or if I felt pain and needed more numbing. Those were the true fears which I realized came from my SM rather than my conscious mind.. What I actually did here was recognize my SM's fears and concerns and address them with my SM and since, no fear of going to the dentist. I could have given in to what my SM felt and totally avoided the dentist, or pushed through and gone to an appointment overriding the fears of my SM and then having to deal with panic, jitters, or something of that sort people face when pushing theirselves to go through with something their SM isn't quite on board with yet. As an adult, you realize the importance of knowing what may be wrong. Now being low on Vitamin D3 means you do not get enough through just foods and most people don't. In fact, 40% of people are deficiant and besides food, the only other ways to get the needed amount is through sun exposure which is often not enough, or taking D3 supplements. About 4 years ago, our Dr. told us that since we were getting older, we should start taking the supplements. The elderly are more prone to be deficiant as those who hardly ever go outside. Lupus is a disease where a person can not tolerate sun exposure and will be low on D3. But being low doesn't mean you have lupus. In fact, during my life of 61 years, I've only run into one person who had lupus so it doesn't seem to be a common illness to me like cancer or some heart disease.

We live in a world that seems to be fear driven. The media is responsible for this. We mistake the need of knowledge on things that could be dangerous for us with t of how possible it is to end up in the same situation another might be suffering from. Everthing seems to be fear based so its no wonder that is the first reaction of anyone, including you. I can show you how to not fall for it all. An example is the number of schools, primary through HS in our country versus amount of school shootings or even if a gun went off but no one injured. The number of schools is over 98,000/ and the amount of shootings in 2019 ifrom wikipedia is 44. Using an on line calculater to make sure there was no mistake, the 44 incidents were only 0.04 percent. That shows the chance a person has of been shot at or near a school and media tries to drum up fear and what precautions a person can take and shares each story from so many angles that you would think your chance of being shot at a school or any public place is more like 50/50 chance. While it is sad these things happen, the reality is, all you end up doing is running around like a chicken with its head chopped off, trying to do whatever to prevent ever getting shot. Yes, there are common sense things you can do in some situations but you can not do a single thing to make sure most things never ha imagine might happen.

A crazy thing about our SM's, is that whatever we focus our thoughts on most, it automatically thinks is important to us and even desired by us due to the amount of time invested in thoughts about it. Like a child, our SM doesn't recognize easily what is right or wrong and the difference between good and bad. So if we spend most our lives in fear of something, our SM will do whatever it can to make our thoughts come true. So if you focus all your thoughts day and night on what 'might ' be wrong with you, your SM may think that you want to be ill, that you in fact would enjoy it. In some feared situations, your SM can communicate to your conscious mind to take certain actions that might increase the chances for what you fear to actually happen. A good example I read once was a female fearing she will get raped, just because a rapist was loose in her city. Instead of making good decisions, she decides to do the very things that put her in a greater chance of it happening and it still may not. I am talking of parking in dark corners of a parking lot. Walking alone on deserted streets at night, walking day or night without taking note constantly of ones surroundings, leaving car and home unlocked, and so on. It still doesn't mean it will happen but your SM is not the enemy here, just acts immature in understanding some things.

Another thing I've learned about fear in my life is that the saying, “Take a leap of Faith” is a false saying that prevents so many from ever making a move. The needed Faith to face a fear is not going to be there until after you have gone through an experience and realized from your experience that there wasn't hardly anything worth being so afraid of. What we actually need to do is Take a Leap of Fear. Yes, you read that correctly, a leap of fear which means you are taking an action while feeling fearful. I can relate to that because once upon a time I had several social anxiety long before it was considered an illness needing medication. I prayed and asked God to help me get over it and become confident because as a senior in HS. I would soon be an adult in an adult world and wouldn't be able to do anything if so frozen by fear. God gave me little steps to keep doing until I got one done to where I no longer had fear. The first was just smiling at strangers and that terrified me. I can say I didn't wait until I felt faith even asking God what to do, nope . . . I felt lots of fear and anxiety in following the step I was given but I did it over and over until in about a weeks time, I felt no more fear and moved on to the next step in which again, I faced fear. God didn't tell me I lacked belief or trust in Him, nor mentioned lack of faith. He was patient as He always is, more concerned that I overcome the thing that was holding me back, rather than the fact I was afraid again after passing the first test and so on. I thought this was just what God thought best for me until I read a book at the library by a Psychologist turned author and Teacher, who mentioned what he did for patients with social anxiety using the CBT cognitive behavioral therapy appropriate for it, and was astonished to see that his recommendation was exactly what God had had me do to get over my fear. But I didn't until I took steps, even while fearful.

I have a feeling that is exactly what God is giving you, an opportunity to get in sync with your SM and also to overcome a fear. Fear is nothing more than something like a Puffer fish which blows itself up to many times its size to appear intimidating, when all it is , is a little fish. Fear too often does the same thing. What if you spent the rest of your life in fear every day of a mysterious illness killing you over night so you never get up the next day. I'd rather have the knowledge of what is exactly going on with me than live in fear of what might be, that is Might be wrong. I had such a medical experience recently. About 2 years ago, I begain to feel weird heart beats and it felt scary, it was real, obviously not normal compared to what I've known all my life. Unless adrenaline was going on, or your heart pounding from hard work, I never felt it beating and a lot and hard and fast. It was not constant but periodical until one day it had lasted an hour straight. I was sitting at my computer while hubby was on his. I quickly looked up reasons online for it possibly happening, since it occurred right after I ate. I looked up foods that might cause it, and then too much or too little of vitamins and minerals. I had a couple ideas. I do research not to cure myself but because I believe in preventative care for health and use of natural means if at all possible to treat an issue and I know regular medical c are not trained in this field, only Naturopaths and their equivalents who must learn the same as a regular Dr and then all the natural stuff on top of that. I then tell a Dr. whatever they need to know but don't think to ask and mention what I found on line and ask them if its something to check out. So in this, I am much like you, doing the research but research alone can't help. So hubby took me to Emergency which was a good move as prolonged fast heartbeat can cause death...I learned that off an Emergency room show. They found nothing wrong with me when hooked to an EKG. I was put on a heart monitor I wore day and night for almost a month, recording any times I felt something. The thing I noticed once paying attention, is it never happened when doing a workout at the gym, where you would think you'd feel something if there was a problem. I switched Drs and new Dr. couldn't figure it out. A whole year goes by without me knowing anything yet. The not knowing was more disconcerting than not, it was like being a like kid with that Jack in the box toy, cranking the handle, slower and slower because at one point the tune ended and the lid popped up with the clown inside popping out and it always startled me even though I knew it would happen, just not sure when. A year ago, I went into a walk in clinic, part of the medical chain I am with as it was a weekend. All records are connected between Hospitals and clinics on whatever you've ever been seen for. I mentioned what I was there for and he ordered a blood test. But then he said he saw that I had worn a heart monitor and there was no diagnosis yet for what had been going on with my heart. Then he asked if I felt it more while sitting, never while walking, while laying in bed before I sleep and so on. Everything he asked, I could answer yes to. It was as if he suffered the same thing and therefore knew exactly what it felt like. He was just a bit more experienced I guess. He told me I had PVC, not the pipe but Pre Ventricular contractions which is a fancy way to say my heart does an extra beat before the next beat sometimes so instead of a ' thump', its a 'thump thump' quick together which feels like the heart doing a flip. He says it perfectly harmless and in studies, it was found many people have it but don't realize it. College students were tested in a research group and all were found to have it yet none had ever felt it. As soon as I knew what I had and that it wasn't anything bad, I hardly ever felt it anymore because some of the worry of not knowing, made it so it didn't happen.

All of this so far is to let you know that it is best to go see a Dr. I would also ask for your blood test to be done over again. Mistakes can be made. If someone thought they originally missed something in yours, whats to say that when they looked again, they found something but maybe it was not your blood sample to begin with. Simple things like Pap smears for women have often said 'Positive” for a problem but when retaken and checked out, there was nothing wrong at all.

Now to address beliefs. At the end you said “I don't really believe this, but I have this gnawing concern that God doesn't want me. That He won't allow me to be saved. You probably think I'm crazy for thinking this way and I probably am, but it worries me either way. I'm gonna just jump in and say, now its time to address mental health. Don't worry, I am not saying you are crazy or need a psychiatrist. But there are parts of what goes under mental health that practically everyone does and it is not an official mental illness but has to do with our mind, more to the point, with our thoughts. The best way I can describe it is 'Stinking Thinking” as I've read some Psychologists refer to it as. Another way to call it is distorted thinking. No one is immune to do this but some people just laugh, reject it and replace with positive thoughts while others will dwell on thoughts that have no hold on reality, the thoughts are a combo of runaway emotions and wild imagination using incomplete information or false in formation to claim as the truth when it fact it usually isnt. You have the words from medical professionals that are fueling your imagination thinking mostly of the worst possible outcomes not any positive ones only based on what you have heard so far. Fear of the unknown is with you and both wild ideas and fear create any other emotions that are not positive. You do speak in a way that shows you have knowledge somewhat of what God is like when you speak of how being saved doesn't exempt you from having to go through rough things and hard times. In most cases, the hardship is so the one having to bear it has the opportunity to learn something that the soul was meant to learn. It is not the same for each soul. Just like no 2 students are exactly alike. So what you have to learn may not be what I had to learn, or maybe just one but Looking back, I know my biggest scariest test was to learn to really love myself which in my case meant removing myself from a toxic situation, not easy when its your job or a relationship. After I passed my test, I was tested with a similar situation for me to once again make the decision in my favor and thus knowing for sure that the first wasn't a fluke, that I had truly learned this lesson.

I still worry about if I'm doing something wrong. Those are your words. And I have to say that your worries of not being good enough for Jesus are actually distorted thoughts. I know they feel real to you and they are, they just are not true. I have heard often enough of new believers who assume that the moment they become a Christian, that like waving a magic wand, God instantly changes you into a perfect soul, perfect like him, never making any more mistakes, doing and saying the right things and being sure of their relationship with Jesus. People end up believing they need to be perfect to go to heaven. Heck no, from what I've read of people who died and were revived, what they'd seen of Heaven seems to state that a soul continues to learn and I am sure there are classes of some sort in Heaven. I have read a book that says its possible that God, loving us even when we are sinful is not able to decide to let one in and not let another enter. That the gates of Heaven are open to all who wish to go there. It says that it is possible that a person feeling they don't deserve to enter actually chooses to go to Hell and that God is too Loving to have come up with a punishment like Hell. Historically, concepts of Hell only came about as Christianity spread into the world so one could look at Hell as man made simply by the many minds that collectively believe it exists and created it. I have heard too people who died and went first to Hell and it didn't take long for them to call upon Jesus for help. They said an Angel reached in and grabbed their hand and took them out of this place called Hell and said it was the Angel of Life and was taking them to Heaven now. So apparently the Angel of Death which we presume reigns over Hell is not the case. No angel wishes a soul to stay there longer than it takes to realize they should call God for help. They were much like you, believing in God but under the false belief that you had to qualify to be saved and enter Heaven. God loves us unconditionally. That means he doesnt have conditions for you to meet, rules that you have to pass to become a card carrying member of Heaven.. I can't tell you much that will help but what you feel or don't feel isn't anything bad and nothing God would be concerned about. What matters most is a personal relationship with Jesus. Thats hard for us while in these mortal bodies as we can't see and touch God as we do people. I believe God knows and He is willing to go at our pace and what we are ready to do next. There was a time God warned me ahead of something major He would reveal for me to do but if He told me right now, that I would think I had heard from the devil . I think He said that because He knew I would react unwillingly. A year later when I learned what God wanted me to do I was so upset I actually stomped my feet in frustration because I knew in my gut that God knew I was ready to take it on and as I learned, I was I would suggest practicing talking to God. I don't say pray because it instantly whips up an image of a pious looking person chanting words with head bowed and eyes closed. Prayer is nothing more than conversation with God.. We can learn to hear from God but that part of our brain that is in need of exercise before being strong enough to pull in the signal, like a radio. We send words his way and when we d on't hear anything, assuming He never answered. He did but in the beginning we are like off station if talking radios again. So we can't hear the words being said back. I have gone through periods in life where I have heard clearly all the time to not hearing as often and its not God fault. I am responsible for not taking time to approach Him and talk to him. He always has time for us and wants time with us. But I guess I am like everyone else and find it too easy to get wrapped up with or distracted by tangible things of Life. Godd will never say, Why did it take you so long to start talking to me. And he will never say, I don't want to listen to you but you should have done better. These kinds of thoughts are distorted. Jesus has shown me in personal experiences that He is interested in the small details of my life. Love to tell me encoraging positive stuff, never has any negative to say to me and thats not bwecause I am perfect but is part of who he is. I've also discovered God has a great sense of Humor in other situations in life. He is not high up on a throne though one belongs to Him but he's right here in the trenches with us, concerned about the things we f ear, how we deal with things, and understanding how hard it is for us. He once inhabited a human body and knows exactly what all the human feelings are that our emotions bring on. So you are loved by God exactly as you are. When you mess up and realize it, you can say sorry to God but its better if you work with Him, asking if there is anything you can do, to do better next. I will use Paper grading as an example. We all want 100 on our papers. We want 100 even without time spent learning or finding out how to learn those things that are hard for us. Thats us wanting to be at 100 meaning able to enter Heaven. We think that maybe we thought about God only half the time or less so we are at 40 out of the 100 we think we need to be.
Do we have to be in perfect health to enter a Hospital.? No, hospitals are for those sick, injured, having pain, etc Neither is church a place you can go only if you are doing 100 on all the things one assumes a Christian would exhibit such as the fruits of the spirit. There are 9 fruits of the Spirit and I dont think anyone has done all of them perfectly at the same time. For some learning how to handle just one of them is challenge enough and goes always at the students pace/souls pace so it can take a short while or can take years, depending on how the person learns. Is God going to be Angry if we only nailed done 4 of the fruits of the Spirits in our lifet ime? No. The fact we are willing to improve ourselves is a great thing, something God I am sure is proud of. Why proud? I am a parent. Thought now adults, my kids when young and still learning, did so at their own pace not exactly like their siblings. I wanted them to perfect one thing. . .not ten all at once. It was more important they have a good learning experience and once mastered, something like tieing a shoe, I would feel so proud of them. It didn't matter how long it took or how many times they did it w rong, just the fact they finally did... yeah,...thats what my Heavenly Fat her is like, he is cheering me, telling me He is pleased with me. I hope this all helps you feel better regarding your faith too. Best wishes.

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Male, 21. PH

My ex and I broke up months ago (last year) and we recently had a closure in our relationship. But I still have feelings for her (she's the one who broke up with me). She made it clear that she doesn't have feelings for me anymore, but these past few days she started messaging me again. We talked casually liked before. And again she made it clear that she just want someone to talk to because she doesn't have that someone who'll listen to her and that she doesn't have feelings for me.
What do I do? I'm confused. Does she still have feelings for me and that maybe she's just confused about it?
I still pray for her everyday.

If she is insisting and making it clear from the start of talking to you again that she doesn't have feelings (the kind needed for a romantic relationship, then she doesn't have them and she is not confused.

There are two things that initially attract a person to another, sometimes its just looks and other times it's both looks and chemistry. You've heard of chemistry in people I hope. This kind of chemistry or attraction is the pure sexual kind. This chemistry is what makes the difference between being just friends and being more than friends. A person can't fake it til they make it here. You either have same or close to the same pheromones that attract, or you don't. Yes, I met a dude after my divorce who looked like a male model stepped out of a magazine. He was eye candy and yet it was just the looks that initially caught both our attention. Once we spent a little time together, we both realized neither of us had those feelings, no matter how much we had been attracted by sight only.
For a couple relationship to work there must be two things, being each others best friends and also having that romantic chemistry, and if one is missing, it won't work as the more than friends deal. So she may have feelings but these feelings are only the kind of love one has for a best friend, but not the romantic kind.
If you want to know a trick how to get over her cus its not going to happen, then look up my colume under Dragonflymagic and let me know you want it and i'll share it with you

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I need advice. Im a recently divorced mom. And i make 46000 a year with no college degree
I work retail as a store manager and there is just no job security anymore. I have had to get a second job just to be able to afford rent and bills. I want to go to school. I need to think of my future. And i need to know are their options out there for me to be able to make enough money and be able to go to school full time? My current job there is no way that i can work around a full time schedule. I have three kids and im almost 40 so moving back in with my parenta is not an option. Nor is finding a cheaper place to live.

I can think of only one thing, there are plenty of working people who can't afford a place to rent as the cost of living is so high. Some have to settle for renting a bedroom in someones home, or a mother in law, or even a partially finished basement, or recroom. So if there is anything you can spare as a room to rent and share common spaces, then ,that could be extra income. I know of a couple with kids, who both work full ime and still can't afford a place of their own so they rent with another family with kids, a house with a complete living quarters upstairs and downstairs. I have family, my granddaughters daddy who is remarried and can only afford living in the downstairs of his dads house while his married younger brother shares the upstairs with his dad. Things are bad. What you earn is actually more than my ex and I ever earned in a years time but I know costs have gone up. Still, I know plenty of working people who live out of their vehicles because there isn't enough money to rent. Of course these are young couples without kids yet doing so to save up money or retired people or close to retirement who can't earn enough to rent anywhere and thats about where I fall. So I truly understand the situation and know there is no easy answer because if there were, the homeless population would not be growing so fast and our government are too overwhelmed and have no idea what the real needs of such people are. It is advisable to find any way you can, even if you do not like it at all, to be able to keep the place you have. I understand that you rent and don't own but with the kids, I am assuming large apt if not a house. There are plenty of people who got the okay from the manager to add another person to the address/lease if they passed screening by the manager. We had a person who was all set up to take us as roommates in her apt after we lost the place we just got okayed to move into and the next day hubby broke his leg in 3 places. All we'd saved up was what we lived on with me working a borger joint while we moved into our van to live. Now we have decide its the way to go as we are very near retirement and none of senior housing is affordable to us. Yes, I have had to let some dreams of how I'd like to live go, such as being able to put up a Christmas tree, hang portraits on a wall, have a bookcase, a dining table, etc. downsizing and livig real minimal. We know the economy is not going to improve as things as so far the point of return, like turning a big ship, takes time and lots of effort and there is no money for that as far as people go.

So the hard thing for you to hear, as I have no better answers is to plan what you will choose to cut out to make the dollars stretch. I know it sounds cruel and harsh but I am speaking from experience dealing with money to live on, you have to get creative. There are also not enough agencys to help single parents or even the homeless for that matter. I don't consider myself homeless as my home is now a bigger Sprinter van but it still is much smaller than an average apt. The problem is not having a street address and P O boxes not recognized as an address on some legal forms. According to what we earn, we fall below the numbers given for poverty level. But all our needs are taken care of as we've learned to do without plenty of things and I am not talking about the frills, such as vacations, new outfits just because you like it or they are on sale , no going out to eat, no going to movies, just using netflix on our computers and no internet other than what we can get at a Starbucks or some such place, or library rental of a hot spot for 3 weeks and so on. I know none of this is something you can do to downsize but it the majority of good hard working people are more and more getting squeezed into having to cut costs anywhere they can to survive and keep an apt or house. If a person earning 4 times or more than what you earn can lose a house they own if losing a job and not finding anything that will pay enough to continue to pay the bills and then end up homeless and working burger joints, then to believe you can somehow to do better than they by continueing exactly the same as you have without the unfortunate changes, then it has to be done. No, its not fair! I wish all people did not have to scrape and scrimp just to survive but that is the world we now live in.
Ideas of a few things to go you going unless you have already done so or are doing so are the following, stop using credit cards except for emergency as in car breaking down or water heater breaking down, no going out or to movies, cancel cable and only use TV for rental movies, (I have a daughter who does this as there's no money for cable, just internet) I know internet is needed for kids in school to do homework on. if kids have their own cell phones, you may have to cut this out too, even if a family plan but you can't still afford that, take recycling to heart if you aren't and find ways to reduce garbage, stop buying clothes brand new other than shoes and underwear. I've done this all my life and clothed my children this way before they became adults. If the kids get an allowance, that stops. Any little bit of money they want for something to splurge, they will need to earn on their own. Even if not 16 yet, there are jobs a kid can come up with. I read an article of two sisters whose parents knew all the neighbors and those with houses and dogs were approached and asked if they would pay for the girls to come each day after school to quickly scoop up dog poop in the yard. I had a once and that is the job I hated myself. They were earning gtreat money by doing this for a few neighbors willing to pay, doing a dirty job no one else wants to do. Then there are the elderly or those with dogs not living on ground level in apartments for whom there is little time or no energy to take the dog out for a daily walk. When I was a care giver, this is one of the things elderly clients wanted me to do for them. So becoming a dog walker can earn a kid some money too as long as the neighborhood is still safe enough for them to do so. Any older kids with great knowledge of general use of PCs or phones could earn money just for being on call to help adult neighbors who have done something, accidently presssed a button and now their computer is doing something funny or it is unusable due to a bad command given by owner. Same for cell phones. I know some basics, putting in new numbers, how to erase old calls in and out, but if for some reason the phone is acting up, I have no idea and have to have my adult kids look at it. Its too expensive to take to a business who offers help fixing phones or pcs when there is actually nothing wrong with it, just not enough knowledge how to navigate. Maybe even teaching lessons to older people on how to use. I am about 20 year older than you and although I began to use computers as soon as they were brought into offices and cell phones as soon as they were available, the issue is more that the technology changes so fast that its harder for us to remember how to use the newer models. I was fine with the old clam phones that only did calls, texting and photos, nothing else. These are just a few ideas. If your kids complain about money or not being able to get something extra, even a year book in HS is a nice big chunk these days, and kids shouldnt have to pay for it them selves but when the parents are struggling to make ends meet and can't pay it, its better they earn money to get it themselves than lose out on getting one which I think would be tragic. Have them watch a couple of you tube videos of homeless children in families, living in RVs, cars, tents and still going to school to realize that it is possible for anyone to end up there so its best to do what each one can to try to prevent that happening.

When I divorced my husband after kids became adults, I found it hard to pay for only my own upkeep and when I lost a roommate and couldn't get another, I was facing homelessness already then but a friend let my stay with them a couple months to save up to get into a new apt. It only takes a major illness of being unable to earn money such as a hospitalization of the bread earner for a family to end up losing their home. All you can do is look for ways to keep your head above water and doing whatever it takes to do so. I cried in the past for having to give away things as there was no room for them in a van. I downsized to what I thought I absolutely must have and still didn't have the room. An example was photo albums. So I went through, picked out my very favorites from each album, had them scanned and put onto my computer, so other then a small pocket wall size keeper of small school photos of my kids growing up, everything else in on the computer and that cut down on some space issues. None of this might help you but you will know what you can do to cut down costs. If you find you can take in a renter even if it would be crowded, it should be either someone you already know of someone that is a friend of someone you know who can give a good character reference. YOu can also do background checks on anyone interested, their work history, how long at jobs, so you don't end up with someone who leaves jobs every six months or so and can't pay their rent, choose females only if you feel the kids are safer with a female around, or heck even a gay person may be a safer bet than most if you have no objection to such. Well, at least I hope this helps you get started in thinking about what you can do. As for schooling, check if there are programs in your area that specialize helping single parents with school costs or if you can do schooling on line and still get a degree. I know of plenty of actual Universities by hearing that peoples kids were doing this, going to school in a virtual reality University on line through various setups, one including an avatar set up with a University on line, an actual representation of a classroom with seats and a teacher running the class and you had to check in on time to be considered present. A retired school teacher learned of friends of hers who were asked to be this virtual reality teacher and actually get paid the same as if in a real classroom and the kids getting real degrees as if attending a real life classroom. YOu may be able to do that from home if the kids are old enough to not need you all the time and can occupy themselves or if too young, find a relative who doesn't mind helping you out by watching the kids in evening and helping them with their homework maybe while you go to school online. Sorry, for such a sad outlook but I am just looking at reality here. Hope it helps some

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My boyfriend of 4 years just broke up with me because I decided nursing school isn't for me. He is currently a dental student and views education highly. At the moment I am trying to figure what my next move is but rather supporting me he decided to end it because I wasn't "stable" enough. Do you think that is a bit harsh? I feel like a guy who truly loved me wouldn't leave right? He would stay during the good times and the bad times...

Is what he said harsh? Yes it is harsh. I am separating the two things, his assessment of you and the act of breaking up because in other people, such a statement would not automatically include a break up. I agree with you that it is not sounding like love. When two people truly are in love, not just love a few things about each other, they will understand their partners shortcomings if any because they know they have some too, as do all humans. A person who truly loves you will do their best to support you and your decisions, and better yet be the kind of person you can bring your concerns to and be willing to work out a compromise if possible and if not, then be there for you, giving thoughts and idea's to help you find your path. I have a wonderful man for a second husband. But even so, as well as he treats me, there is one thing he does, overwork himself and has his whole life from before he married. He will do so to the point he is in severe pain and we are no longer spring chickens so to speak. It hurts me to see him hurting and though I will say things to him to encourage him like say resting when he has caught a virus or at least taking natural health products like immune system boosters, he still only listens to me a part of the time and I take care to not nag him about it. We all have something about us that our partner may not like, may indeed cause them worry or concern, but if like me, a person truly loves their partner, you can't imagine being without them, even if it means putting up with whatever it is that you find irritating or worrisome. So this should answer your question of people staying through good and bad times. I will say that if something out of both your control happens to the two of you, something bad, if two people truly love each other, it should draw them closer together, supporting each other, consoling each other through it. I have seen many do the opposite in their grieving something bad with a partner not supporting them. I remember getting a harsh reprimand at work for something they twisted out of proportion, something I did right but believed gossip that I did wrong. I went home to first husband, feeling upset and needing his love comfort and building up. Instead he accused me of having done something really bad or else they wouldn't have called me into the office to chew me out. I have no problem owning up to my mistakes and don't care what others think of my mistakes because to me, as long as I am learning from my mistakes and not repeating the action of the original mistake, its good as that's how we learn. No one is perfect all the time except God.
I learned later in life to look for clues about a persons possible bad traits or behavior and then watch to see if it was a one time thing or if they are consistently that way, bad or good. I married the second guy because he was consistently the person he claimed to be.
I am not saying this is the case, but your bf reacting with what he said and the break up, could be a sign of him being a perfectionist besides having a belief that schooling is highly important. It may not be just your quitting nursing school that made him react this way. He just may be usually an unbending person, not prone to change at all, anal about things, expecting perfection from himself and everyone around him, highly critical, having unrealistic standards for himself and others and so on. Do a web search for traits of a perfectionist and I am sure you will see plenty that fit him. So don't focus on his break up being caused by your quitting nursing school but what might be a trait about him that caused him to react that way. And lastly, It is also reasonable to question whether he has secretly not felt he wanted to be in this relationship for some time already, because it doesn't take 4 years for a person to realize things like this is they are a perfectionist. He had a perfect plan for how his life should go and also the life of any woman who would date him or marry him. And if what he imagined as how things should turn out, did not go as he imagined, then he throws a fit. My ex was like that. His idea of life was that nothing bad would ever happen such as when the water heater broke and was flooding the kitchen. My kids knew to call me about any unexpected things like this because their dad would lose it and actually yell and get mad. THen theres the morning I went out to my car to find someone had thrown a fire extinguisher into a side window just for the fun of the mischief and I had to get it replaced and go in to work late. I never told him until he came home from work what had happened and let him for finance reasons that some money had to go to the deductible to get a new window. Again, not as big a thing as getting upset over quitting a chosen course in school but it doesn't matter if its small or big stuff that irritates, the behavior is the same.

I would look at it as a blessing that he dumped you, despite the fact that you are hurting and still probably having feelings for him. Something to help you get over these feelings if they don't go away eventually in the future is to do the following because your subconscious mind is what brings up the feelings and emotions tied to anything you see, hear or do, even if its just a movie . . . catch yourself thinking about him as it will happen umpteen times a day ( I went through this once too and it worked) and each time a thought of him crossed my mind, I told myself either out loud if alone or in my own head, that the relationship is over, I did not want to be with a man who had (list the bad trait or action) and so I need my subconscious to stop applying emotions to him. It seems to not work the first day but was a little better the next day as far as how often I thought of him. Then after a handful of days, or a week at most, I had recovered from the aching grieving of the loss. I still had some feelings of sadness but those too disappeared a short time later and now if I do have an occasion that something reminds me of him, I have no pain or sorrow in the memories as its only of the good things and funny stuff I remember now. I have taken a long time to answer and detailed it a lot because I do know how devastating such an experience can be and there is no quick short answer to help you deal with this.
I would advise that after it isn't so fresh and hurtful, that you take time to go over the past 4 years and list anything you feel might be glimpses, or hints into his behavior. He may not have been this way when you first met (another thing I've learned in my many years of life) people tend to want to make good impressions and in their decision to do so, instead of changing their bad traits, they actually instinctly know even if their mind won't admit thes, e, and so they will put up a false front, a persona they take on, pretending to be someone they are not. Almost everyone does this and won't admit to any short comings. I'd have to say on a wild guess percent wise that more than 75% of people do this, way more as I have met few people in my life who from the start you know are genuine, meaning what you see in the beginning is who they are in real life. Yes, its rare to find a person willing to be an open book, allowing others to see your spots and wrinkles. My husband is one and I was recently invited with my husband along as a guest of a friend to Thanksgiving at the home of other folks from church we didn't know as well. We arrived late due to husbands having to fill in for sick people that day working and we apologized about keeping them waiting to eat. The hostees leaned over and told me, that truly, dinner was only now coming out of the oven because she had preheated it and then forgot to put the food until until much later she realized it. She volunteered that bit herself, something a perfectionist, or anyone wanting to pretend to be perfect or someone that they aren't, would not have revealed at all. When she apologized again later, I told her it was refreshing to meet someone who was so down to earth and a 'real' person, that I admire that in a person as there are few who can do that.
If you have a history of starting and stopping things before finishing, changing mind too often, never sure of all your decisions, even like what to where or to serve for dinner, then the issue may be you and he was just looking for something to use as the excuse for breaking up with you. Even if you have no such problems as I suspect, he may have realized some time ago that when he finished school, he will want to find a wife and when he thought of you, couldn't imagine you as his wife because you and he are too different in ways he saw but you may not have. After 4 years, he knew he couldn't use something small and petty as a plausible excuse to break up with you so he waited until what ever big thing occurred that he could use and when this happened, he pounced on it. I am more apt to believe this than not, just basing it on others I have known who are the same kind of people. He wouldn't want to seem the bad guy, reputation is extremely big on the list for such people so it had to be something bigger that might fool some people. My ex did this, always pointing out my faults to others in public in front of me and making things sound so much more than they really are. Making me sound defective in some way and then laughing about it. He told family who defended me to shut up as they had no idea what they were talking about. So trust me hon, you are probably better off without him. NOw the thing to do is learn what a man truly in love will act like and learn how to spot other people men and women who are perfectionists so you can feel totally 100% sure about the next guy when you are ready. Don't allow one asshole to shut you down from ever daring to date again let alone find the love of your life. Use this as a learning experience, as painful as it may be. I will list something I found in an article, which I added a few things to that were left out but a guy wrote it as a guideline for women to know if their guy really loves them. Here it is:


7 Questions to know if he really loves you


1. Does he say I love you. For some, it's a hard thing to say but they show it to you in other ways. When he says I love you, he is viewing that as a commitment to you. It is not a flippant phrase.
Saying I love you too early like during first couple dates is a warning about the guy. Its a very good chance he is needy and wanting a woman to be his mom. Other phrases from a guy count too, like you're awesome, I adore you. You're the woman I always dreamed of.
2. Does he make you a priority in his life? Guys have more than one priority...things very important to him but you should be one of top 3.
What he does for you or how he acts can't be faked easily because it's hard to lie with your body. Things he does without having to be asked, making dinner, picking up something for a collection you have, making time for you, even if it's a walk or a long phone chat. If the guy likes you, he'll make time for you at least a quarter of the time.
3 Does he tell friends about you and like to show you off? Have you been introduced to his family and friends? If he keeps you separate, he's hiding something or ashamed or fearful of something
4. Does he care about your pleasure during sex? Is he only into seeking his own pleasure or your's too? Does he open his eyes and want to have both your eyes connect while making love?
5. Does he respect and encourage you? Respect means, does he value your opinion, do you share decisions and treats you as a partner. Are you encouraged by him to have your own friends and hobbies outside the relationship and encourage you to seek your dreams and uphold you in that.
Jealousy is not love, it's control. It's okay to be protective, but jealousy shouldn't be what prompts the protectiveness
6. Do your friends and family like how he treats you? Others make a great gauge for judging a guys character.
7. Does he look at you with lust and passion in his eyes, with a hunger and thirst for you? Does he give you admiring looks, does he still want to sneak peeks down your shirt. What he sees is Very important since guys are visually stimulated. If he isn't looking anymore, he has lost his interest. All men because of this natural trait, will also view other women but do so discreetly, without being an ass about it. Don't expect a man to look at only you. If he doesn't look at other women at all, it may be a sign that he is gay. You do want a man who is visually stimulated by women.

How many points are true for you with your guy?
7 true He treats you as a Queen and he is an exceptional man
5-6 true He loves you. Just don't focus on what is lacking.
3-4 true He loves you enough to make the relationship work for him. If it's enough for you, then be content. If you feel like you're settling for less, let him go and look for something better.
1-2 true He's a douche-bag, a user or controller. Leave immediately.


If you come up with anything else you'd like to talk to someone about as you go through this process of losing him and finding your path, just right me but since we have no names with questions, Unless you share a little of what you said previously , I won't know the situation. And you cant leave a comment where you rate me if wanting a response, for that you need to go to my column dragonfly and write to me from there

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Thanks for the advice, but I don't live in the US and in my country the age of consent is 16, which makes our relationship perfectly legal. He's a year a year older than me- not 15. I really just wanted advice on how to convince my mom to let me visit, but thank you for your time regardless.

Good, then all is fine if the relationship progresses to sex. But still there remains whether you are considered an adult in your country. If you are, then you can do what you wish but if they are against it, you'd have to not expect them to pay your way and be able to do it on your own. Also, I have heard from adult children living with parents that they want to do as they wish but if they go against the parents, the parents s till hold the trump card which means they can kick you out and you have no place to live. Yes, I have heard of many parents who threaten that and many who carry through on their threat. So have a good talk with Mom and ask her what things about you doing this bother her. Then try to answer each of her concerns with a plan you will stick to or compromise if possible. Lets say she is afraid of you meeting strangers and you can tell her you already met him when his family was visiting in your country so he is not a stranger. Although I have met plenty of males after a divorce at almost age 50 here in US and even as an adult met plenty of guys who were nice the first couple times andk then when they thought they had my interest in them hooked, they let down their guards and their real selves came out and those were not good people at all. It is easy to be fooled and to be away from anyone who could help in case this scenerio plays out might be a concern. So you might see if you have a male cousin or brother who would accompany you on the visit and be within calling distance if you needed help. I do truly understand hon as when my oldest was about 14, she wanted to mee t a male internet friend from 2 states away when his family came to our area on a family vacation. She wanted to spend time with him but I wanted to know she'd be chaperoned and had to meet the parents when they got to town. So they did come to our house and one day took our daughter to the beach with them for the day and I can't remember where the 2nd day. So a Chaperone might ease Moms concerns, as that was my main concern and the two were always with the rest of his family, never alone. If the only concern is worry of you eventually getting pregnant, you could always go on the pill before the trip and then that argument is no longer valid. So depending on what her concerns are, answer her concerns and find a solution to all of them so you can go. By the way, as enamored as the daughter was with the guy, after spending a little time with him, even though she enjoyed it and it seemed they clicked, she lost interest later in keeping up with him over the internet. I guess her explanation is one that rings true for many. Once having spent time in person with someone, trying to have a relationship on going afterward just on internet paled in comparison and eventually he no longer held her interest.

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I have $27K to spend on purchasing a car(s). I can purchase one new. Or purchase two older cars. I am need help deciding between spending $27k for a new Honda Accord. Or spend the $27k purchasing two cars. ($14K) used 2007 Honda and ($13k) used 2000 Corvette.

The question I have is why you think you need two cars unless you are married and are considering getting one for the wife. If you have an older car and it is still working, then get the newer one and you'd still have two cars. Keep in mind insurance and tabs and all are more expensive on new car s. If you got two older cars, especially when in the 10 to 20 yrs old range, there will always be something breaking down that needs replacement. Depending on the mileage, an engine will only go so far, even with good care before it will no longer work and then you face the cost of a rebuit or brand new engine. We put a rebuilt into our car at the cost of 6 grand and that is aubstantial amount of money to come up with. THese are the things you need to consider in whether buying one new or two older. Also, depending on the daily mileage you need to put on car to get to and from work plus other driving, if a big amount of miles, those rack up quickly on a car and are not good news if being put on a car 10 to 20 yrs old.

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