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Dating dealbreakers and disclosing information
I have a vast history of sexual assault. I am in therapy and attempting to recover but I still struggle with the symptoms of PTSD on a daily basis. I am not necessarily comfortable talking about this part of my life with people and would prefer to not bring it up all together. Men, would you prefer a woman to be open about her past experiences? I don’t want to feel like I’m not being honest in relationships by not telling my partner. On the contrary, I am terrified of being seen as damaged goods and having way too much baggage for anyone to want to be with. Do you view women who are rape victims as too much drama and not worth it? Would it be a deal breaker?
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Hi there.
Thank you for asking such an important question.
I am not a man, but I do understand where you're coming from. I felt the same way when I was recovering from my own assault. I felt like nobody could love someone with such baggage. I learned that in order to be with someone, I had to work on my own self love. Once I done that and stopped blaming myself for something out with my control, I finally started the process of finding love. Keep on with your therapy if it works for you but remember, if it isn't it's okay to say no to therapy. To answer your question, if the guy or girl isn't ready to "deal with your baggage" then they simply aren't ready for a grown up relationship. Someone that truly cares about you will stick by you and be glad that you opened up to them. Don't let your fear bring you down because strength comes from within. Don't try to rid yourself of fear of being rejected, simply use each experience as a guide to direct you in the path suited to you.
I hope this helps.
Take care.
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I am female, not a male but I can say that when two people are beyond liking each other, loving some aspects of the other and are now in love with each other, that a crucial thing in the relationship is good communication and understanding of the other. Each person is able to imagine to the best of their ability what it might be like for the other person and have compassion and endless support for them as well as the love. The issue is that intimacy and being sexual with other can come up in between the stage of loving the person and being in love. So yes, you may have to explain to your man, because the ability to have sex with a person you are in love with is crucial to a man. He will sense something is off that you can't hide. Perhaps certain words or actions in lovemaking will set you off. I don't believe I would want to find this all out in the middle of making love. But telling ahead of time is best. Just be sure the man is actually in love with you because thats where you will find support and understanding. A person who merely loves some aspects about you, thats not strong enough. It is much like saying I love chocolate icecream, meaning you have a preferance for that flavor. A guy who has only a preferance for you will also find they may taste a new flavor in the future that then becomes their favorite and they love it.
Will a man see you as damaged goods? Depends on the man and that is where you have to be willing to face just about anyone, even shallow minded, jerks who could be cruel enough to say hateful things and call you damaged. However, a good man will understand and they are out there. After a divorce, I got on internet dating and thats how I found my jewel of a husband. I have a heriditary thing where I have lost all my eyebrow hairs. I am getting old enough that the skin above my eyelids now droop badly and that all happened in the +10 years we've been together. He has told me I am still the most beautiful woman and wife and by his actions, I know I am wanted and desired by him. Another man like my ex might have said, go get artifical eyebrows done or use a pencil and mark them in, or I don't want you anymore, you are not pretty. I promise there will be guys who won't see it as baggage or you being damaged goods.
You did not ask to be raped. People marry others every day who end up in the beginning or later making a choice to drink, take drugs, gamble and those control their life and become their baggage. There are people making bad choices and still finding partners. You did not make a choice to get raped, so you don't fit in the same classification that you have in your mind. Like someone who got disfigured in a house fire, that person did not choose to become disfigured and the sure didn't smear their face with oil and then use a lighter to light their self on fire. Bad things happen to good people. We can either be someone who physically just survived it, or we can become an over comer. A survivor is not enough because you still aren't really living due to the fears of what if. An over comer isn't content with merely surviving and will look for any and all ways that they can again be part of those who are living their lives and enjoying them. I am not saying the PTSD will disappear for good. Like a person with a disability, even they are lacking a limb, they will find other ways around that to be able to function just as well as those not missing a limb. A better term would be differently abled instead of disabled. With your PTSD, you are differently abled in some ways and that is something that the right male partner will be able to deal with. Between you and him, you will both come up with plans on how to handle when the flashbacks and other stuff comes up. You need to be willing and open enough to trust another man that closely.
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What happened to you should never ever happen to anyone. It is NOT your fault that it did nor are you damaged goods by any stretch. You have to work with therapist and on your own constantly affirming that fact.
Most males if they have any intelligence at all would know what I just told you and love you for you. They should go out of their way to make sure you are comfortable and with them.
It is your choice when and if you tell someone your story. It's not something I would bring up right at the start of a relationship. You need to trust that a person is invested in you before you tell them anything.
Let your partner know how it affects you, intimacy and trust of others and how much you love and trust them. They should be the kind of person you know you can trust and willing to help you.
There's a ton of positive things about you that I'm sure they would see and what happened in the past as not an issue for them but rather one you can work through together.
Is it dishonest not to tell? I don't think so. The only time your very personal story nees to be disclosed is if you see it being a barrier to the relationship and or intimacy.
If someone bailed on you because of your story and something you couldn't help or control than that says something right there about them and who they are and NOT you. I guarentee anybody with sense wouldn't do that.
Everyone has baggage and unfortunately some of it really rough or something they feel someone will judge them for. Your partner though it may not be in the same vein likely has a few things difficult to discuss too but as you trust eachother it's easier to say something.
You aren't damaged goods and your life is just beginning and you have tons to offer a partner but have to work hard to affirm that this is your identity and NOT what happened to you in order to be well and move forward despite the past and see that you can trust people.
I have some idea what you are going through having had mental health stuff to work through myself with trusting people and when and if to divulge my story. I've found that you should never do it as a "this is me you can bail now" thing on a first or second date but further in you can gauge on whether someone is a keeper or not and decide to tell or not. Again, it's really not necessary unless you know for sure the details can impede progress or it's something that could reoccur.
There's nothing wrong with going ahead normally and not saying anything but might be good to divulge when you trust someone so you have that extra help with PTSD and full understanding from a partner. Bottom line it's your choice.
Personally, I view sexual assualt victims as worth it and that what happened was tragic and certainly not their fault. I see them as non-judgmental perfect partners whom if they disclosed a story I would support them wholeheartdely and that's the kind of guy you need to be with.
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