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Break up
My boyfriend of 4 years just broke up with me because I decided nursing school isn't for me. He is currently a dental student and views education highly. At the moment I am trying to figure what my next move is but rather supporting me he decided to end it because I wasn't "stable" enough. Do you think that is a bit harsh? I feel like a guy who truly loved me wouldn't leave right? He would stay during the good times and the bad times...
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Is what he said harsh? Yes it is harsh. I am separating the two things, his assessment of you and the act of breaking up because in other people, such a statement would not automatically include a break up. I agree with you that it is not sounding like love. When two people truly are in love, not just love a few things about each other, they will understand their partners shortcomings if any because they know they have some too, as do all humans. A person who truly loves you will do their best to support you and your decisions, and better yet be the kind of person you can bring your concerns to and be willing to work out a compromise if possible and if not, then be there for you, giving thoughts and idea's to help you find your path. I have a wonderful man for a second husband. But even so, as well as he treats me, there is one thing he does, overwork himself and has his whole life from before he married. He will do so to the point he is in severe pain and we are no longer spring chickens so to speak. It hurts me to see him hurting and though I will say things to him to encourage him like say resting when he has caught a virus or at least taking natural health products like immune system boosters, he still only listens to me a part of the time and I take care to not nag him about it. We all have something about us that our partner may not like, may indeed cause them worry or concern, but if like me, a person truly loves their partner, you can't imagine being without them, even if it means putting up with whatever it is that you find irritating or worrisome. So this should answer your question of people staying through good and bad times. I will say that if something out of both your control happens to the two of you, something bad, if two people truly love each other, it should draw them closer together, supporting each other, consoling each other through it. I have seen many do the opposite in their grieving something bad with a partner not supporting them. I remember getting a harsh reprimand at work for something they twisted out of proportion, something I did right but believed gossip that I did wrong. I went home to first husband, feeling upset and needing his love comfort and building up. Instead he accused me of having done something really bad or else they wouldn't have called me into the office to chew me out. I have no problem owning up to my mistakes and don't care what others think of my mistakes because to me, as long as I am learning from my mistakes and not repeating the action of the original mistake, its good as that's how we learn. No one is perfect all the time except God.
I learned later in life to look for clues about a persons possible bad traits or behavior and then watch to see if it was a one time thing or if they are consistently that way, bad or good. I married the second guy because he was consistently the person he claimed to be.
I am not saying this is the case, but your bf reacting with what he said and the break up, could be a sign of him being a perfectionist besides having a belief that schooling is highly important. It may not be just your quitting nursing school that made him react this way. He just may be usually an unbending person, not prone to change at all, anal about things, expecting perfection from himself and everyone around him, highly critical, having unrealistic standards for himself and others and so on. Do a web search for traits of a perfectionist and I am sure you will see plenty that fit him. So don't focus on his break up being caused by your quitting nursing school but what might be a trait about him that caused him to react that way. And lastly, It is also reasonable to question whether he has secretly not felt he wanted to be in this relationship for some time already, because it doesn't take 4 years for a person to realize things like this is they are a perfectionist. He had a perfect plan for how his life should go and also the life of any woman who would date him or marry him. And if what he imagined as how things should turn out, did not go as he imagined, then he throws a fit. My ex was like that. His idea of life was that nothing bad would ever happen such as when the water heater broke and was flooding the kitchen. My kids knew to call me about any unexpected things like this because their dad would lose it and actually yell and get mad. THen theres the morning I went out to my car to find someone had thrown a fire extinguisher into a side window just for the fun of the mischief and I had to get it replaced and go in to work late. I never told him until he came home from work what had happened and let him for finance reasons that some money had to go to the deductible to get a new window. Again, not as big a thing as getting upset over quitting a chosen course in school but it doesn't matter if its small or big stuff that irritates, the behavior is the same.
I would look at it as a blessing that he dumped you, despite the fact that you are hurting and still probably having feelings for him. Something to help you get over these feelings if they don't go away eventually in the future is to do the following because your subconscious mind is what brings up the feelings and emotions tied to anything you see, hear or do, even if its just a movie . . . catch yourself thinking about him as it will happen umpteen times a day ( I went through this once too and it worked) and each time a thought of him crossed my mind, I told myself either out loud if alone or in my own head, that the relationship is over, I did not want to be with a man who had (list the bad trait or action) and so I need my subconscious to stop applying emotions to him. It seems to not work the first day but was a little better the next day as far as how often I thought of him. Then after a handful of days, or a week at most, I had recovered from the aching grieving of the loss. I still had some feelings of sadness but those too disappeared a short time later and now if I do have an occasion that something reminds me of him, I have no pain or sorrow in the memories as its only of the good things and funny stuff I remember now. I have taken a long time to answer and detailed it a lot because I do know how devastating such an experience can be and there is no quick short answer to help you deal with this.
I would advise that after it isn't so fresh and hurtful, that you take time to go over the past 4 years and list anything you feel might be glimpses, or hints into his behavior. He may not have been this way when you first met (another thing I've learned in my many years of life) people tend to want to make good impressions and in their decision to do so, instead of changing their bad traits, they actually instinctly know even if their mind won't admit thes, e, and so they will put up a false front, a persona they take on, pretending to be someone they are not. Almost everyone does this and won't admit to any short comings. I'd have to say on a wild guess percent wise that more than 75% of people do this, way more as I have met few people in my life who from the start you know are genuine, meaning what you see in the beginning is who they are in real life. Yes, its rare to find a person willing to be an open book, allowing others to see your spots and wrinkles. My husband is one and I was recently invited with my husband along as a guest of a friend to Thanksgiving at the home of other folks from church we didn't know as well. We arrived late due to husbands having to fill in for sick people that day working and we apologized about keeping them waiting to eat. The hostees leaned over and told me, that truly, dinner was only now coming out of the oven because she had preheated it and then forgot to put the food until until much later she realized it. She volunteered that bit herself, something a perfectionist, or anyone wanting to pretend to be perfect or someone that they aren't, would not have revealed at all. When she apologized again later, I told her it was refreshing to meet someone who was so down to earth and a 'real' person, that I admire that in a person as there are few who can do that.
If you have a history of starting and stopping things before finishing, changing mind too often, never sure of all your decisions, even like what to where or to serve for dinner, then the issue may be you and he was just looking for something to use as the excuse for breaking up with you. Even if you have no such problems as I suspect, he may have realized some time ago that when he finished school, he will want to find a wife and when he thought of you, couldn't imagine you as his wife because you and he are too different in ways he saw but you may not have. After 4 years, he knew he couldn't use something small and petty as a plausible excuse to break up with you so he waited until what ever big thing occurred that he could use and when this happened, he pounced on it. I am more apt to believe this than not, just basing it on others I have known who are the same kind of people. He wouldn't want to seem the bad guy, reputation is extremely big on the list for such people so it had to be something bigger that might fool some people. My ex did this, always pointing out my faults to others in public in front of me and making things sound so much more than they really are. Making me sound defective in some way and then laughing about it. He told family who defended me to shut up as they had no idea what they were talking about. So trust me hon, you are probably better off without him. NOw the thing to do is learn what a man truly in love will act like and learn how to spot other people men and women who are perfectionists so you can feel totally 100% sure about the next guy when you are ready. Don't allow one asshole to shut you down from ever daring to date again let alone find the love of your life. Use this as a learning experience, as painful as it may be. I will list something I found in an article, which I added a few things to that were left out but a guy wrote it as a guideline for women to know if their guy really loves them. Here it is:
7 Questions to know if he really loves you
1. Does he say I love you. For some, it's a hard thing to say but they show it to you in other ways. When he says I love you, he is viewing that as a commitment to you. It is not a flippant phrase.
Saying I love you too early like during first couple dates is a warning about the guy. Its a very good chance he is needy and wanting a woman to be his mom. Other phrases from a guy count too, like you're awesome, I adore you. You're the woman I always dreamed of.
2. Does he make you a priority in his life? Guys have more than one priority...things very important to him but you should be one of top 3.
What he does for you or how he acts can't be faked easily because it's hard to lie with your body. Things he does without having to be asked, making dinner, picking up something for a collection you have, making time for you, even if it's a walk or a long phone chat. If the guy likes you, he'll make time for you at least a quarter of the time.
3 Does he tell friends about you and like to show you off? Have you been introduced to his family and friends? If he keeps you separate, he's hiding something or ashamed or fearful of something
4. Does he care about your pleasure during sex? Is he only into seeking his own pleasure or your's too? Does he open his eyes and want to have both your eyes connect while making love?
5. Does he respect and encourage you? Respect means, does he value your opinion, do you share decisions and treats you as a partner. Are you encouraged by him to have your own friends and hobbies outside the relationship and encourage you to seek your dreams and uphold you in that.
Jealousy is not love, it's control. It's okay to be protective, but jealousy shouldn't be what prompts the protectiveness
6. Do your friends and family like how he treats you? Others make a great gauge for judging a guys character.
7. Does he look at you with lust and passion in his eyes, with a hunger and thirst for you? Does he give you admiring looks, does he still want to sneak peeks down your shirt. What he sees is Very important since guys are visually stimulated. If he isn't looking anymore, he has lost his interest. All men because of this natural trait, will also view other women but do so discreetly, without being an ass about it. Don't expect a man to look at only you. If he doesn't look at other women at all, it may be a sign that he is gay. You do want a man who is visually stimulated by women.
How many points are true for you with your guy?
7 true He treats you as a Queen and he is an exceptional man
5-6 true He loves you. Just don't focus on what is lacking.
3-4 true He loves you enough to make the relationship work for him. If it's enough for you, then be content. If you feel like you're settling for less, let him go and look for something better.
1-2 true He's a douche-bag, a user or controller. Leave immediately.
If you come up with anything else you'd like to talk to someone about as you go through this process of losing him and finding your path, just right me but since we have no names with questions, Unless you share a little of what you said previously , I won't know the situation. And you cant leave a comment where you rate me if wanting a response, for that you need to go to my column dragonfly and write to me from there
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