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Life is an adventure but Life doesn't come with user manuals for everything. School subjects do little to prepare us. Its no wonder we all need helpful advice sometimes. Blessings to you!

advice

I had this gym teacher in high school school last semester teaching my gym class who is young, (30 I think) and she teaches physical education and English. She is a pretty cool teacher and nice. We will be about to do the swimming unit. When she was describing what stuff you need to bring she mentioned to the boys in the class (out of earshot of the girls) that with the boys not wearing shirts she can see how you really look and how fit you really are. At the time the boys laughed and nobody cared but I’ve been told by some people a comment like that is wrong and she should have not only got in trouble but even fired. Should she have?

I don't know what the current guidelines for teachers are and its been a while since my kids were in HS. so I don't know if a school would find it wrong. I see it as something border line that could go either way. She may simply have opened her mouth and spit out those words before considering how they might be taken. If you are male, you may be the only one upset by it. Boys at that age will take it as a compliment as it strokes their egos about their looks at a time when that is so important to them. If you are a female, then it makes me wonder how you know if all the girls were out of earshot. Then you tell me that some people told you it is wrong. YOu mean some girls who also didn't hear, came up and told you and why would they choose you to tell rather than a school counselor? If the friends who told you were male members of the swim team whom you're friends with, did they pretend to like the compliment but really find it offensive? And again, why would they talk to you of their complaint and not a counselor.
Since it is after the fact and not recent as in days ago, I would ask these "friends" to go with me to see the counselor (only if they were there and witnesses to the comment) to back you up. Otherwise, if there is no one to go with you, it may be dismissed, as there is nothing for them to question if only one person who didn't even hear it is saying the teacher said it. And what if what your 'friends' said to you was made up or changed in some way. It is best to not go to school officials when you are second hand to hear of it. It is best to only mention it to school officials if you truly heard it yourself. So, I probably would not say anything. The only warning I can think of is adult teachers who end up having an affiar with a student, who is a minor and going to jail for it. One never knows if such a statement is one of firsts to fish for a teen boy who has a crush on her and with continuous things said that aren't sexual at first look but could be twisted in ones mind to possibly mean they are open to having an affair with a minor. But that is too much imagination and without reasonable proof of this happening, it is only conjecture at this time. If you truly feel something not good is happening, then keep your ears and eyes open and when you and others witness first hand the situation, then all of you go talk to a counselor together, advise them of what you saw or heard and let them te3ll you if wrong or not.
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I was working at a store for several years, and my boss and I became very close. We were both single so we spent a lot of time together and became great friends. I was also like her personal assistant because I did many things for her while on and off the job. Later on I got married and then I became pregnant, so I quit the job. My husband and I were looking for a new apartment. My former boss told me that her neighbor was moving out of the building, and that we can have the apartment (she is related to the landlord). Our rent is very cheap so I was thrilled. However, once I moved in, my former boss began asking me to do favors for her again (we live right above the store). At first I said ok, but then this became a constant thing. She would knock on my door at all hours of the day and night and ask if I can do things as if I were still working for her, except that I am not getting paid. She'll ask me to fill out forms and fax paperwork for her, call her insurance company, etc. And she does not take no for an answer! This is extremely annoying. I am a new mother and I don't have time to run her errands for her. Also, my husband is getting quite annoyed with this and it's causing us to argue. I'm scared that if I tell her no she will be angry or even kick us out. This has caused me to avoid her, and it's very uncomfortable and awkward living here. What should I do, and how can I get her to leave me alone without offending her? Or should I just move and struggle with a more expensive place?

Id be wondering why the former neighbor and person living in your apartment left if its so inexpensive. It may have been for the same or a similar reason, they didn't like having her for a neighbor. My husband and I once lived in an apt complex where we befriended our manager. Then one day she retired and we got a new manager. Soon after, out of the blue our ex manager I'll call Jean, showed up and told us she bought a trailer home with two bedrooms and told us she would rent the bedroom to us with use of common spaces for less than we were paying. We jumped on it. Little did we know she was exhibiting signs of dementia and she was in her late forties, too early for being senile due to age so we didn't expect it. We were there only three weeks before we couldnt handle her imagined grievances, not understanding anything we said, twisting things around in her mind, imagining people who never came to the door, and angry usually at me and accusing me of all sorts of things to my husbands face, none of which were true and my dear husband in private said he knew I was not the problem and agreed it was some kind of dementia we couldn't see when she was our apt manager. It was so bad we called everyone we knew asking if they knew anyone who could take us in and within days, we were moved into a trailer someone had on their property. So I understand about moving into a living space that ends up not a good situation. Where it differs is that she has you over a barrel, cus if you stand up to her, refuse to do what she asks, she could possibly influence her family relation who owns the place and rents it out. I don't know how thick blood is here and whether the owner would side with her. But if you have contact with your landlord, it could be helpful to ask to have a private talk with them. Let them know you love the place and your neighbor isn't a bad person but has been taking advantage of you, falling into habits of treating you like an employee and acting like your boss. You have not stood up to her because you fear her retaliation in making up some horrendous story to them and begging the landlord/relative to kick you out. If you get the okay from the landlord that your living there is not going to be canceled depending on your ex bosses reaction, then it might be worthwhile to stand up to her and let her know she is asking too many favor and giving you too many tasks. You are friends and as such you don't mind doing a once in a while favor like one thing or two a month but daily is not working for you. Suggest that she hire someone to work part time for her doing all these things she is telling you to do. Then she can get mad or whatever or threaten and complain to her relative. The thing that gives you a chance is going to the landlord first before she does. If it were me, I'd be tempted to record that conversion on my cell hidden in a pocket so you can prove what was said.

You can move and avoid all this hassle. But I suspect that it is possible that you learning to stand up for yourself might be an experience you need to go through so if things aren't resolved here and you simply move, then its possible the opportunity to learn from the lesson will come another way in your future. I have had it happen to me, a testing or sorts after I made my stand and mine was with my ex husband. Someone I met before I married second husband was sharing an apt with me and when I wouldn't allow him to treat me as my ex did, he simply disappeared and left me with the whole apt to pay for which I couldn't, thats the reason I was sharing an apt. That was my test to see if I'd cave in as I did with the ex until I finally got brave and left. In my test, I did the right thing and so two months later I met the man I married. My testing came even though I did the right thing, it was for me to know that I had truly learned to stand up for myself and since then, I have been so happy married to the man I now have. This is a sucky situation for you but you will have to face it now or later in another situation. I wish you the best.

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I'm a 17 year old girl, and as long as I can remember my mother has been giving special treatment to my youngest brother. While my sister and my brother and I were disciplined regularly and given chores and strict guidelines, he was allowed to do as he pleased and often received gifts and was allowed to stay up later. Even now that we're all teenagers, he still has no chores, speaks to my mother however he pleases (and often with shocking rudeness that would earn anyone else a slap to the face and a week's grounding), and has no curfew for his electronics while the rest of us have to put away our phones at 6 o clock. Truthfully, I don't know what to do about the situation, if there's anything I even can do. Maybe it has to do with the rest of us being adopted, but I've always thought she probably just loved him more. Any input would be appreciated.

If I were you, I'd be glad for whatever reason that Mom doesn't 'favor' you because she isn't doing her youngest child and child she gave birth to, any favors by treating him as she does. You can already see by how he talks to her that he is turning into an entitled brat. He will not know any happiness in life if he as an adult doesn't choose to swing the other way, realize Mom was wrong and he does have to follow rules and work hard in life and that life isn't always fair. As to the why, I don't know why your Mom does what she does. Knowing why isn't going to help you feel better. But heres your first chance to gain some understanding because in life you'll meet plenty of people saying and doing wrong things. It is easy to judge the outcome but if you learn to do as I do and place yourself in her shoes, and do so for others, it'll help you understand why and while not the right or best way, humans are human and dont feel the need to ask for help and just do what they feel is good enough, or what works. I know a couple who adopted two children after trying for years and being disappointed when they had no kids of their own. They ended up having a child of their own after adopting. They learned that this phenomenon happens to many couples unable to get pregnant who adopt. What happens is that when the stress of trying so hard is gone, usually because they gave up, their bodies are now able to function right and they become pregnant but after committing to adopt and parent a child or children. THat is what they told me. In their case, all were treated the same.

Some parents tend to automatically treat the youngest child different, with what they think is babying him/her, trying to keep the one they know is their last child, a child for as long as they can and will go to all sorts of lengths to make that happen by doing things that absolutely make no sense as far as achieving what they wanted. Or you could be correct and subconsciously without realizing that they do it, no matter how obvious it is, they don't realize they favor the child they created more than the ones they adopted.
So even if you've thought of bringing up the subject, it would backfire, especially if they don't realize deep down this is really happening and they resent you for making up lies and think you are the problem child because you see unfairness and called them on it. Then the other scenario is whether they know what they do or not, they get upset because a human younger than them, a child or young person is telling an adult something they should know and lastly most adults hate having another person, especially an adult point out something they are doing wrong. Even if true, it feels humiliating. SO there are special ways I deal with having to discuss such things with another adult if it involves me, same as I do on here giving advice, even if asked for. No one wants to feel they are naive or dumb and so it would not go well for you to say anything. That brings me back to being thankful that you are not the one being spoiled. It will be much harder for your youngest brother to be successful at anything in life now and later as an adult. When he is finally 18 and a adult, is about the soonest you can ask him if you may give him advice. Most people asked don't want advice, even my adult children and yes, it hurts to see a loved one making bad decisions that hurt them. When the time comes, study how to relate to people in ways they will be open to rather than closing down and shutting you out.

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I’m gonna try and keep this as short as possible but basically my parents have always had a rocky marriage with multiple explosive arguments they’ve refused to get a divorce and it’s been about 25 years of marriage together. My mom has her specific issues with my dad and my dad has specific issues with my mom. I love both my parents but i despise their relationship and how I’ve grown up for the past 20 years of my life watching them fight over less than real problems. My mom brought up with me that she hates how my dad says she has a ton of disagreements with her siblings but she really only doesn’t talk to one of her brothers because her brother’s son abused me. My father has no idea that this has occurred and is friendly with that sibling of my mother. My mom wants me to speak to my dad and tell him what happened and why he shouldn’t talk to that sibling either. I feel really pressured and annoyed that she’s pushing me to tell him because i truly do not feel comfortable having that conversation with my dad. What do i do?

I agree that you have two issues here and would benefit from counseling, just in case you felt the other advicegiver was off on that.

The dead giveaway was that you felt part of the parents situation has to do with you, when in fact, it has nothing to do with you at all.

Yes, your parents are selfish, immature, never grew up, just kids mentality in adult bodies. But there isn't anything you can do to force them to see a counselor. You say they refuse to divorce which would have been the smart move if they are unhappy together. Then there is the chance that they are so vastly different from each other with zero chemistry that they should never have married.
Here are logical reasons of why you are not responsible in part or in full, you were not even around when they decided to marry, not there as another adult who at least tried to talk some sense into them. Also, I do not know of adults and parents going to their kids and asking if they should divorce. Why are children not the ones sought out for such advice for their parents? Because an adult is supposed to be mature, know more and be able to make better adult decisions than a child. Also, each person is responsible for their own decisions and their own attitudes. No one can blame any outside influences on how they act, react or feel. Yes, everyone has to face some hard things in life but you have a personal choice on how you react to it, in anger or not, rather choosing to examine the situation, weight the pros and cons and making any personal changes one needs to. Any psychiatrist will tell you so, its basic easy stuff they know but not all adults ever get. Your mind has been influenced by living with the fighting parents you have. Heres one last thing from my personal life to urge you to seek counseling. Keep searching and asking where you might be able to get this. Now my history: I was married at 20 and stayed 30 years with a man who was verbally abusive. This was directed at me, hardly ever the 3 girls we had. But they got to hear and watch him yell at me, belittle me, complain and just dump his frustrations on me and always be unreasonable. Years later, I left him but the kids were grown now. It was time to find their mates and follow their own life. I never yelled back, that was simply putting fuel on the fire. It was my faith that kept me sane, praying and choosing to be the on mature adult parent for my kids and they still praise me today for all that I did back then. Unfortunately, their view of what a husband should be like was so messed up in their growing up that it didn't matter that they were adults now, they were affected mentally, unable to protect themselves from hearing nasty stuff from their Dad. So even today, my 20 yr old daughter is afraid to meet a guy with a normal voice. If a normal voice was bass or baritone and deep, she equates that to loud and yelling. So she has a boyfriend who is male but not a man, he is milktoast, a weaking in character, quiet, talks low or in whispers and allows her to be the leader of the two of them instead of both being equal parts of the relationship. And she also doesn't ever want to have kids for fear she might or bf might not be good parents and harm their kids so she plans to stay a cat lady instead. My oldest ended up depressed and married a nice guy, had a child with him but that was so nice and different from her dad and she felt bad was normal that she divorced him and married a sociopathic type with anger and mental health issues and since being with him has seemed to gain mental illness of her own because she has no idea of what a healthy thinking male is like. As a result, she cut herself off from family and CPS took my granddaughter after a teacher noticed her bruised all over and she was given into the custody of her birth dad. The youngest did best but still the man she choose to marry, although a good father, isn't the best mate. He has PTSD in part from traumatic things his parents did to him which in telling the stories, he feels were okay and good but I can tell were abusive on his mental and emotional state and the rest of PTSD from Army until he was injured. She met him after the army, and they now have two kids. I have been in the same room with him and daughter and heard him get so angry because of something small and as you stated less than real problems that he was shaking from head to toe in anger and his trying to control it and not lose it. I volunteered to hug him and pray for him to recieving healing. I didn't call it healing but gave it non the less and he actually calmed down and became sane and content again. That to me is way too close to memories of my ex. So all my kids had their minds messed with and non responded to my suggestion to get counseling. I don't wish for you to suffer unknowingly from something in your adult life that would be affected in a bad way by how your parents bad relationship had impact on you. YOu may not think so, and neither do my kids see their situations now as being affected by their Dads past actions. I hope you do differently because if my kids wouldn't go for professional counseling, if what I share will help one or two ladies go for counseling and get a healthier outcome to their life, then I will feel my past was all worthwhile, when I can help, have empathy and sometimes offer possible solutions. Counseling won't change your living situation if you have to stay with them for financial reasons, but if you can have your understanding tweaked and corrected, it can help you make better decisions for the futre of your own adult life.

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I am a 17 year old guy from India. In 12 years of my schooling, I didn't get to make a lot of friends although I had an opportunity. But still at that time I was going through a really tough time and I lost that opportunity. In my junior college I decided not to repeat the same mistake but still I have a bad luck. Due to my strict timetable and other classes I couldn't make friends there too (Although I did make some). But the friends which I made are not that close to me. Like we hang out but not that often. Besides it was a posh college and I lost the opportunity again. And the worst part is that I won't get admission in that college again due to low marks. This whole fact about almost no friends makes me regret and haunt me till today. How do I move on from this regret? I need your advice.

What stuck out in your explanation is 'my strict timetable'. You know what it means to you but I can only guess since you feel this affects the ability to make friends and have time for friends. To me, it sounds like you spend your time from the moment you wake until you go to bed in studying a lot and going to classes. That would mean there is no down time, away from studies to do even some of the basics of find time to eat, do your laundry/clothes, time to relax and do nothing or follow a hobby. What this means is that deep down you may be afraid of failing. It could also be that with the low marks you got before that you are doing everything to make sure you dont fail this time. I can understand that but the way you stated it, sounds like you've lost having a balance in your play. There is a saying in American I've heard that sounds like this situation.
"All work and no play makes Jack a dull boy" is a proverb. It means that without time off from work, a person becomes both bored and boring.

For you it is your studies that is your work. If you live and breathe and talk school all the time, no one is going to be drawn to you to want to find out if perhaps you could be friends.

What you have right now is classmates you know who may have been friendly towards you but that does not make them your friends. The word for it is acquaintance which means someone whom you are casually familiar with, but not close enough to be friends. I may be totally wrong, let me know if thats true as I truly wish to help.But with only what you wrote, even in the 12 school levels before, you didn't make a lot of friends. So either it is something like being shy, quiet, withdrawn, an introvert or maybe like I used to be in school, having social anxiety which meant I was afraid to be seen and heard and interact with people other than my own family and siblings. This is not normal but it can be overcome. If you are too scared or don't know how to be friends, let me know and I will try to give you some ideas to work on to begin making friends.
However your strict, tight schedule with no room to see other people and make friends, could mean you are more of a work a holic, which in America means you have no life other than work, you get personable pleasure from spending ALL your time working. You'll work if sick, you'll work if tired, you'll work instead of visiting family or calling them, work is your first choice. If this is true, better learn balance now because no woman wants to ever marry a man who is a work a holic because he would devote not part of his day but all of his day to work and not have time for the relationshiop with his wife. I have known people like this and they end up divorced because the man did not change. The ;a holic' part of work a holic means it is an addiction, like being addicts to alcohol, drugs, gambling. And a person can be addicted to work. So there is no moving on other than changing yourself or staying the same and never having time for friends. YOu say it is a regret. When one feels regret, it usually mean they believe it is too late to change anything. It is not too late, in fact, at your age, it is the perfect time since you are older and more mature and have experienced enough in your life to know you don't want it as is right now and you want something different.

If the courses you take and the vocation you seek is a bit over your head and ability to understand, and you don't have a passion for it, perhaps you are taking the wrong direction. You should be able to soak up all the information easily if it is a subject you enjoy and retain all that information. You don't have to read it over and over and try to force the information into your head. It should come automatically to you, the answers, the truths, and then you do what you must to use what you have learned in any ways to can to make that information stay.
I will give an example with a hobby of mine. I like to go on walks in the forest, parks, even empty lots and look for plants I do not know, study them carefully and then refer to a book for my area on identifyling plants in my area, history on each, with photos and information such as if edible, medicinal or poisonous, where else they can grow and so on. I find if I haven't been doing it for a while, I will forget some facts, but not all, recognize a plant for example but forget its name so I can relook it up in the book. So it has to be something I like enough to find time and enjoy the time I spend doing it. It doesnt mean that if I struggle to retain some facts or names that I study the book and go looking for plants from morning until I go to bed. That means I have to time to cook and eat, do my laundry, spend time on Advicenators, and so on. Balance is the key. Make sure your life is balanced or you are workingk towards that. When you are ready in that area, I can give tips on how to be a friend, just make sure you go to my column, dragonflymagic and write directly to me or I won't be able to answet and might not even get it.

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(So I have just hit my period for the month, pretty heavy, but no cramps.) This task for sports (a subject in school) is stupid and useless to my career goals. It's due tomorrow and I'm wondering if I should do it or not, maybe I could use my period as an excuse, my teacher let me sit out during class the last time I mentioned my period as an excuse but I don't want her to get sus about (me) using an excuse twice. Maybe I could just tell her I didn't want to do it but she is a kind teacher and I don't want to upset and trouble her! Also, my overdue tasks would go on my school reports and my mother would be upset to see an overdue task, she thinks I'm her last hope because my brothers are failing at school 0.0 that just gives me a ton of pressure. I guess the real question is; Should I waste my time on doing some stupid + irrelevant Assessment task and get an overdue learning task or do it and not get an overdue but receive an extremely low score for leaving it to the last minute?

If you are in High School, or by whatever name it is called in your country, some say secondary school, that type of schooling is structured to give you basics in every subject except how to relate to people. So theres the basics that will help you through life, understanding fractions for example has helped me figure out how to double or triple a recipe or cut it in half. PE may not seem important and may truly never apply to your chosen vocation but for whatever reason, it was also deemed crucial basics to teach. Some kids may come from athletic households, where Dad jogs and Mom has a Zumba class. The importance would be to come to a place where you reallize that some kind of movement or exercise is important to our health, in blowing off steam and other ways. If we are not at optimum health, everything else in our lives will suffer, including any schooling, training, etc. So while you may never take any sports or pe in college, it is a reminder to find time for some excercise, such as bike riding or choosing to walk up the stair case of a building rather than use the elevator. If I were you, I'd finish all the assignments to have the perfect grades to show for college, Then at that point, you won't have to take it again.

Since you don't have pain, just heavy flow, use the bigger night time pads as well as tampons and bring extra with you as any female has to do.

I realize you are looking for excuses because if you woke up the morning you were to marry and had a heavy flow, would you postpone the wedding? I know I wouldn't. No one can see under my wedding gown which I'd fear a leak of blood staining. SO I would do what was recommended and also wear extra pairs of panties over each other. As soon as the pastor was done and we kiss and walk back down the aisle i would walk myself immediately to a restroom to check on myself, and how ever many times during the reception. But I would not postpone because I really want to marry the guy. In your case, you do not like PE, otherwise you would not be asking.

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Can a girl lose her virginity though anal sex(yes or no)

My simple answer is yes and no. I believe you will understand after I give a mini history lesson and choose which you resonate with, the yes or no.

Men created the word virginity to mean a woman who had never been touched by a man. This was created in days where paternity tests and birth control did not yet exist and the word virgin or virginity still exists today.
The word 'virgin' can either be a noun or adjective. If you understand the meanings of the adjective, you'll get a clear picture of how it relates to the female. Heres a link to the dictionary meanings:https://www.merriam-webster.com/dictionary/virgin

So if you happened to hear someone mention a virgin forest, it would not be a forest that has not had sex yet but a forest not altered by human activity or more to the point, no human has ever set foot in, cut trees from, cleared areas, etc.

If virgin meant not yet touched by a man, that would include holding hands,touching the face, running hands through the hair, kisses, a shoulder rub, and though pleasant, thats not what I would consider sex on its own. But it can be a part of foreplay for sex, the stuff one does to get in the mood or aroused enough to have sex.

So back in history, men who owned property and wed a woman could not know if she was carrying another mans child early on before it showed and he didn't want some one elses son or daughter to inherit anything of his. Okay, that sounds reasonable. But today it has evolved in some cultures that push virginity as a must, to meaning that no penis has ever entered her vagina. The original meaning that there is a chance she could be pregnant has been changed to meaning a woman has been sullied, dirtied somehow and now is no longer valuable to become the wife of some guy. This practice often goes hand in hand with the practice of arranged marriages.

So now you have to decide which definition you will go with.
If you choose the one meaning never touched by a male, at least below the waist, then the anal sex would disqualifty you and you would no longer be a virgin.
If you choose never having the kind of sex, the only kind that can get you pregnant, meaning sperm having a way to get inside you, either from the penis or precum on his fingers then inside you, then you qualify to be still a virgin because you only had anal sex.

I still think thats an old fashioned word that doesn't fit in todays society. If you can answer the following, perhaps you're smarter than me.

The question concerns gay couples. At what point when two women are having a sexual relationship with each other do they lose their virginity if virginity is connected to one set of female and one set of male sexual parts, and the same goes for two men in a relationship. They would not qualify under being untouched. So having sex or being a virgin is really what it means to you. I highly doubt that gay couples who are in love never have sex. Sex can be the word that covers all things sexual in nature. Just as the word pastry isn't one thing, but many different things, cakes, pies, cookies, scones, turnovers, cupcakes, and so on.

Another thing that did not exist in the past was dildo's and other sexual toys. So if having anything in ones vagina meant she was no longer a virgin, then dildos would qualify as being something that broke the virginity or for that matter tampons. I had a girl asking if she could wear tampons because she was worried it would mean she was no longer a virgin and she wouldn't ask her mom.
So the better terminology would be, at what age did a person start to become aware of their sexual urges and begin to experiment with ways of getting to an orgasm. It may more likely have been without a partner using masturbation, creams and toys. I would say since you had anal sex you qualify as an exploring and learning sexual creature, not that you lost something like virginity.

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I am a 17 year old boy from India. In my school I had a classmate whom I didn't get along so well. Even today after two years of graduating out of school, he still continues to persist me at reunions. The thing is he still bullies me because I don't have the confidence to go up and talk to girls. I mean he has better social life than me. I am trying to overcome that anxiety though. With that point he continuously roasts me in front of everyone. But if I give back or retaliate all he says is this- 'No one is talking to you'. This makes me even more pissed. And plus I can't find any weak spot of his to roast him back. I am fed up. I literally see his face and I am so disgusted. And plus nobody will be ready to support me. How do I deal with him alone? I need your advice.

A person who bullies gets something out of it, there is a payoff for them or they would not be doing this. So if you eliminate the pay off, you eliminate the bullying.

They like to see the person squirm, feel and look embarrassed or uncomfortable and its a bonus if they can get you to react with anger or tears.

What they do not expect is your joining in on roasting yourself. Humor goes a long way in helping here. I was socially awkward and quiet in school and got teased by those who did not understand why I was so quiet and wouldnt talk to anyone. So I got teased.

I got teased with variations of my name, also for wearing glasses as some of the more common ones. So I will show you the example using the glasses issue.
When teased about my glasses, I looked down, wouldnt look them in the eye and silently made sure to get out of their sight.
Now, If I were to be teased about having "Four eyes" which is including the glasses as eyes, I would respond with humor such as, "Only four eyes? Gee I have way more than that buddy. And before you ask, you know how we call the starts on potatos as eyes, right? Well, I have skin tags all over my body and I refer to them as my many eyes."

That is weird but funny and unexpected and surely will get a selective few to at lsast laugh at what you said. In your case, work at coming up with memorized responses and facial expressions and hand movements. You don't want to come across as an emotionless puppet just saying something he memorized.
Do people laugh when he roasts you? If they do but start laughing at things you say, then you are stealing attention away from him, he has less people reacting to what he says to you. He won't like getting less of the attention and that is enough reason for him to start leaving you alone. Usually a bully is someone who is hurting inside themselves. Just more outgoing a person. So he may feel abandoned, unwanted, ignored as a kid growing up and all he knows is the many ways to become the center of attention by what he says and does. In your case, you have to come up with funny responses to what ever he says that is supposed to make you feel embarrasssed or too much attention.
If you give me some examples of things he has actually said or repeats often, I will see if I can come up with something. Otherwise, use your imagination, and let humor help.

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Im in love with my mother and she is in love with me. We have had a relationship for 4 months now but i keep having doubt. What do you think?

The relationship you have is out of the norm so many will automatically consider it wrong. Or people are scared of anything they haven't come across before or they misunderstand any current day perceptions based on facts from past that may not be valid today.

I am assuming your mother is a single mother or now widowed. If she is still married to your father, then it is not right to carry on such a relationship, like a couples relationship, while he is still married to her. If this is the case, it depends on whether she wants to fix the marrieage or get a divorce before she is clear to date or commit to someone.

My second husband is much into fantasizing about me being his mom sometimes in sex. You know how everyone usually have some situation which they like to think on during sex. However you are talking about more than a sexual thing, at least f rom what I can tell. YOu said relationship. If you are not yet of the age of consent, even if you are not sexual, the chance it could be so, gets people riled up if they see you both act anything other than mother and son.
What you propose to do here, even if Mom is legally single now, is going to be hard to hide. As long as you live in the same neighborhood and can be seen by neighbors, school, work collegues and other family and friends, you won't be able to hide it well. It make take relocating to somewhere people don't know you and keep yourselfs very private. Then you might be able to carry it off as a female who's a cougar and the young man who is into her. Just know that if it gets too much attention you may be in a same boat as those harrassed by racists and the LGBTQ community by the fearful and uneducated.

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Like the question states, I can't get my mom to back off. I still live and home and will probably be here until I graduate college (2 yrs) because of Covid-19. My mom always wants me to do stuff for her. Because I'm the most capable person in my home (lazy brother and equally lazy, freeloading cousins), I feel like she exploits me. She's wearing me out. I don't have a waking moment where this woman just lets me live. If you don't willingly do what she wants, she subtly makes you feel bad. I helped my brother with his schoolwork since the pandemic on top of my workload, I do chores, I help her out, but that's not enough for her. I could go on and on here. It's so bad, that I'm reluctantly trying to get into med school or anything else post-grad just to get out of this city and away from her, loans be damned. No one understands that I run out of energy and fatigue easily, even as a 20 y/o. I do a lot in my home, and I deserve to be left alone. She's annoying and this pandemic is no help either. What can I do? Am I just overreacting here? Thanks.

If you are feeling too much of a load. I believe you really feel that so something has to change, whether its how you respond to it or having a family meeting and having your say in hopes it will change things.
When you say 'do stuff', I don't know if thats running errands once in a while or what. I would need a daily example to have a better understanding.
I do't want to guess just based on what you said as to what is really going on here. Due to Covid 19, a lot of couples and families are having to be around each other 24/7 and that is driving people crazy, with them reacting over things they normally would not. I would need to know if its been happening only since January and the start of talk about pandemic or if its been going on longer. It may have been happening to some extent before hand and only got worse during the pandemic. I can't say if your mom is being manipulative when you say "If you don't willingly do what she wants, she subtly makes you feel bad" but many people are purposely like that. Others simply feel that way due to many other things but the actions of the other are not manipulative.

Theres so much I dont know that all I can say is the best thing is to talk it out. Since MOm is the adult, she can enforce that ALL share the tasks equally including herself. She can't be the one who dictates but wont life a finger herself. That is not parenting. You let everyone know that

"I am the only one doing anything that needs being down, even though there are however many other live bodies under the same roof that could pitch in. I realize I am not being picked on but since Mom doesn't want to have to expend the energy to fight with your butts, its easier to ask me to do stuff because i will ALWAYS do it, even if i get exhausted by it. so I suggest we divy up jobs by importance and how hard or easy so everyone gets a fair share of responsibility. If we can't do that as a family, then I will start saying no to some things so I can keep a healthy balance for myself and not over work or over stress myself." This is what you say in a family meeting. And What you have to learn here is how to say no. You are being used simply because you won't fight, or say yes but do nothing. If chores aren't divvied up, you simply pick the ones you feel more pressing at the time and leave the rest for others which means the rest remains undone. Two years is quite a while if living like this with out any improvement either in how they treat you or your perception of how they are treating you. And I wouldnt go for med school just to get out if your hearts not in it. If you could get money coming in, enough to support you paying rent for a bedroom somewhere, usually older people with a spare bedroom will rent rooms out just to cover holes in their budget and this happens everywhere but more often if the homes are close to a community college or University. I wonder if schools have a number to call to speak to achool counselor. You might let them know you need a safer place to live while attending school during Covid and see what suggestions they have. Surely there will be other persons in the same spot as you, needing to get away from family or their home. One situation brought to mind is women in a domestic violence situation where they dont get any reprieve and the abuse is constant 24/7 due to being quarantined together. When I was your age I was overcoming being socially anxious. I tended back then to attribute situations that had no mischief or mean ness to them as being so, not realizing as I do now looking back that most of the issues I thought were for real or intentions I thouht were real, were wrong perceptions all in my head and imagination. I still see the same stuff as an adult and I laugh because its usually a teasing comment, nothing to put me down. I hope this helps you

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Just letting you know, that 16 is the age of consent where I am- does that change anything? I'm not planning on doing anything sexual yet, I want to develop a romantic relationship gradually first, but am just letting you know that the age gap is legal where I am.

that law is only to protect persons under age 16 in your area. So if its 16, then you can have sex and no one would get in trouble.

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OK, I've been friends with this girl on social media for a few months, and am contemplating starting a long-distance relationship with her (I posted a question on here about it not so long ago), as we're in two different countries. The 2 of us are very similar people, with the same interests, and similar personalities. But one of the things that kind of puts me off starting a relationship is the age gap- I'm only 16, and she's 19. I'm not planning to do anything sexual or anything, but am just kind of worried that even if she is interested in me the same way I'm interested in her, that the age will throw her off. Apart from the age difference, we're very similar people and I wouldn't want to mess up the friendship I have with her already by the age gap being an issue. I just want something a bit more than friendship- have had 2 major crushes in the past, and both of them ended up being horrible people. I finally found a nice person that I have feelings for, and there's an age gap obstacle in the way. What should I do? Is this too big of an age gap?

If you can handle doing more of the same, being internet friends already with things in common for two years until you are an adult at 18 in USA or whatever the age is where you live then go for it. People who meet on line may have a meeting of the minds and one can love that persons mind, which is a good thing but that falls under friendship. The only thing different from friendship and a couples relationship is the romantic side, desire for each other and the sexual love. This is something not everyone can feel for the other even if they like their minds. The thing to do is be friends only for now and keep being friends. When you are close to being an adult legally, then let her know and if she is interested in more, then you both have to meet in person to see if you feel that chemistry needed to make such a couple. If its there, you proceed, if not, stay friends but look for someone nearby to date. Your teen years are not for long term anything, but dating enough different people to keep trackj of what you like and dont like about the other person and next one you go a step better and make sure this one doesnt have the same bad things about them. So in a way, the kind of people you date, should evolve into someone better each time. An LDR doesn't work into that plan. Its not too big a gap. tHE GAP is felt when its a generation gap like ten plus years or more.

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In the beginning of April, my friend dropped me out of nowhere with no explanation. Within the first few days, I noticed something was up so I texted him about it and he didn’t respond. Soon enough he started to cut me off from almost all of his social media. I still saw him interacting with the other people in my friend group so I knew that he only had a problem with me. This bothered me a lot because, even though I didn’t know why he cut me off, I knew I hurt him and I felt so guilty for making him feel this way. Eventually weeks went by and I began to lose hope that we were gonna talk again. My 18th birthday was coming up and I was hoping to hear from him. But to my own mistake, I got my hopes up and he ended up not telling me anything at all that day either. That day hit really hard for me. It became clear to me that he seriously doesn’t want anything to do with me anymore and this hurt me so much. I spent that night deleting practically every photo with him on my phone and I stood up until 4 am crying because I didn’t want to believe it was all over. This was a friendship that matter so much to me and held close to my heart. I just couldn’t believe that someone I cared about so much had dropped me so quickly. I still have no idea why exact he did this. The only reason I can come up with was me asking him about a previous fall-out we’ve had and how he felt during that time, but honestly I really don’t know. I don’t wanna be the one that texts him because that’s only gonna contribute more to the possible stress I gave him. And because of this, I can’t help but think that I’m a toxic friend in this situation even after how much this hurt me. We’re still not talking and I have no idea what I should at this point. I wish I can just let this go but I can’t. What should I do?

You;re doing some overthinking here but I can understand, with the fact you have total silence and no reasons that you know of why. When a person doesnt' have any real facts, their mind will make up scenerios, making your best guesses, such as "I must be a toxic person.
So you have equated his no text response and still talking to those in your friend group as meaning that he has a problem with you and you felt you knew the reason why is you hurt him. Sorry to have to point it out but the truth is that you don't know this 100% for sure, you don't know that you did something to upset him. You are guessing from his behavior. But I can think of another reason for the same behavior.
So if I understand right, he is a male best friend. You didn't state if you are a male or female but my guess works either way. He may have been too shy to let you know that besides the friendship, he started to feel more for you, the romantic couples love. It would not be about anything you did either way. If you are female, he may have become best friends because he really liked you and somewhere along the way or from the start, he felt more for you, a strong like or love. It could have hurt to feel this way but whatever sign he was looking for that you felt the same way about him, he didn't see and so he believed you only want him as a friend, nothing more. I wouldn't know if you have extra feelings for him. But when one person in a friend relationship begins to feel love, it is scary to think of explaining to you, whether you are female or male and he is gay and you did or didn't know it. I am guessing you are female by the crying til 4 am, not able to sleep. Males don't tend to cry but get mad or irritated, sad, instead. No matter what sexual orientation is for him or you, the only explanation I have that makes logical sense is throwing Love in the mix.

The one in love is afraid to let their best friend know just because they are afraid of hearing the other doesnt secretly love them in return romantically. Any person can know that if you tell, your friend may feel awkward spending time with you if they don't feel the same way, and they hope you can turn it off and just be friends. But deep down, most people figure it out, that one would always be examining and suspecting the words or actions of their in love friend, analyzing if any was of more than friends quality. At the same time the one in love just tortures themselves spending time around you when all they can feel is how they don't just like you as a friend but they love you romantically and that one thing is the only difference between a friend and a lover. The one you choose for life should be someone who not only is your best friend but also your lover. Unfortunately, many couples end up setting up relationships where they only have one or the other and those don't last.
You mention a previous fall out. To me there's argument or fall out with interpreting as hot words yelled back and forth and you go right back as if you didn't argue. Or an argument or disagreeing that led to him avoiding you for a while. You;re both still teens and so of course have a lifetime of learning how to relate with other people, not just romantic stuff, but anyone. For two singles to become a couple in truth, there is more than just the kissing and sex if thats how far its gone, Two people have to be ready to stop thinking of themselves as a single and all decision making is now done as a couple because what one does affects the other and this should be foremost in those minds. Two people in a couple relationship need to be able to trust each other or it wont work. They also need to switch from thinking their own thoughts and keeping silent to sharing everything with your friend/mate. When I say everything, remember they are not mind readers and that sometimes, just what you are thinking at the time might be something that should no longer be internalized but spoken aloud so your mate knows how you feel about something. An example is him inviting you to go again for the umpteenth time fishing with him. You wish you had not pretended the first time that you liked it to not hurt his feelings and now he assumes you like it but your not liking it might send off some confusing signals he picks up where you dont seen to enjoy it or he thinks he's done something to hurt you. So he doesn't ask. And you dont tell him. But here is where both need to share their thoughts. If she tells him she only was enthusuatic when first asked because he didn't want to hurt his feelings. He will be a good friend if he understands, and isn't angry about this. he'll compromise next time for something you both like and agree on, and he is relieved to discover you weren't upset with him.

You are two teens, just starting to learn the importance of certain things as you interact with other people, friends and lovers. The two of you need to do serious talking here and find out what is really going on. I don't think its because he never wants to be your friend again, he got back with you after the last disagreement which a guy would not have gotten back together then if he was so easily offended and turned off.

I suggest a face to face talk where you get to hear tone of voice and see body language, facial expressions. Or at least send a written letter to him or have a friend hand it to him. Ask your questions of what you fear and also ask if he secretly is in love with you. You must let him know he can share anything and you will not hate him for it or cry. But you have to keep your word and not over react, be understanding and try to see things from his point of view, be forgiving if need be and decide together on how you both move forward from here.

iF you love him so much as a friend and are willing to try being more than friends, let he know or nothing will happen.

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So, Ive been with this guy for a few months now. He’s great, and I love him so much. He is my first boyfriend. Last year ,my mom found out about this, and we broke up for a while. Then we eventually got back together because we were in the same school. Im now back in keeping things private and suggested that we should just have an open relationship so that we can just figure out if this is really for us or not. The problem is, I don’t wanna hurt my mom anymore. She was really mad and hurt about us and she even thought about shutting me out from the family. I don’t want anyone to be in that mess anymore. I’m at a point where i regret everything. I should’ve just let him go long ago, but I didn’t. I was really invested in him and I thought that he was the one. But right now, it really seems bleak. We’re both young and I know we’ll meet more people but he doesn’t want to. He thinks I’’m the only one for him and my mom didn’t like him at all .What should i do?

Your English is great so no problems there. Since this is your first love, you don't have other past experiences to compare it with. I don't know when you are considered of adult age in your country but if that is soon, you'll be able to do as you wish then.

For now, to have peace in the family, its best to see if a compromise can be done, and if not, then wait until you become an adult.

Since I dont know why your Mom has objection, I can't help specifically to convince her to allow you to date , especially if she's wrong about something.

You could ask her while you are calm, not raising your voice, just asking what things she sees wrong with the young man, or what reasons she hsa for not wanting to you date. If you have not dated before, your Mom may not have had a plan such as at what age she considered you old enough to date.
Maybe she is racist against him, maybe its one of those things where when a person first meets someone, they instantly don't like the person and for no reason. Perhaps she is worried about you getting pregnant and that is a big thing because if you are not of adult age yet and able to support a baby, then this is a good reason and if all parents are truthful, the biggest reason is fear of the daughter getting pregnant. I am pretty open minded but my daughters having sex was the last choice on my list and I talked with each as they entered High School. I said my wish was for them to use this time not to search for love and romance and date a guy but to just have male friends as they do girl friends. Use the time to get to know what you like and don't like about aguy. With the list of what you didn't like, make sure the next guy is better than that. And each guy you are friends with or date, make sure each one is a step better than the last or you are not paying attention and learning from it. I would tell you the same thing. However that is for your Mom to tell you.

Now for a good chat with Mom, heres the compromise you could mention. I suggest in your language you do not refer to him as your boyfriend but a male friend, just as you have female friends and ask Mom if it is okay to have your friend, (I'll call him Luke,) come over on the weekend, a non school day. You ask if they wouldn't mind it if they were at home and could watch over you so you don't get into a bad situstion. Not many guys will go to a girls home and meet the parents, but thats how it worked with their female friends, they had to meet me. If a guy won't come over, he was just wanting sex eventually and didn't really care about you, or he just was too chicken, thinking that meeting your family meant this was too serious for him. However, if a guy really respects and likes you, he will jump at the chance to spend time hanging out together, even if under the watchful eyes of parents. This is what I suggest you share with Mom and Dad if there is one, so you can see your guy out in the open, instead of sneaking around. You would have to not cuddle or kiss while at home. If you wish to kiss, it should be at school where it doesn't freak out the parents, unless you are specifically told not to do such a thing. A kiss in a public place won't lead to anything on the spot but kisses in private can lead to more. Even adults when they know better, have fallen for the emotions of the moment and had sex when they did not intend to. Thats how powerful those emotions can be.

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I'm not sure if it's exactly "anger" or my mother just hates me. She constantly calls me "useless" "lazy" "good for nothing" and tells me I'll probably be both homeless and jobless when I grow up. And it's not like I'm a horrible kid, I get pretty much straight A's in school and she seems proud when I tell my parents about it? But it's quickly forgotten. I'm not the only one in the family she treats like that, but my brother is the baby and the favorite of the family and rarely gets that treatment, and my dad is... to put it nicely, on her side, and to put it bluntly, pretty much a pushover. My mother constantly accuses me of throwing attitude at her even when I'm clearly not (one time she screamed at me not to change my clothes every single day, as during these circumstances, we don't really do much all day, and when I tried to explain it was because we had been exercising every day and I was sweating, she just screamed at me to shut up and don't talk back). I get punished if I don't talk back too for some reason? Last time I got grounded for a week, and after that I kept my mouth shut as she was yelling, but even then she tacked another two weeks on for "attitude" I wasn't even saying anything, just trying not to look at her because if I did I would probably say something I would regret. She's pretty level headed about literally everything else except for me. She doesn't treat my dad very well either, but he seems to take it better than I do, probably because she can't really punish him unfairly. All she seems to do is threaten me, even though we didn't have a bad relationship when I was younger that I can remember. How do I deal with this? All I can do right now is pretty much hold out until college which is still four years away, but four more years of this sounds extremely painful.

I know what you are feeling because I lived with someone for almost 30 years who treated me the same way, it was my ex husband. And what he was doing with the yelling, screaming, pointing the finger at me, getting angry whether I kept silent or spoke up, name calling, ridiculing, etc... is called verbal abuse. Your mother is verbally abusing you and likely your father discovered this after marrying her and likely gave up and decided to side with her, not complain or rock the boat so to speak and have to face her anger.
One big thing that happened due to the verbal abuse, is feeiing stressed all the time. I didnt realize at the time but stress needs to have somewhere to go and so it will go either to your mind and attack your mentality and emotions or it will go into the re st of your body and affect your health. My stress went into my body and I got all sorts of stress caused illnesses. After leaving him I got my health back. Some people have different ways of dealing with something like this. In my case, the ex husband had a stupid reason for targeting me, he had mental illness and thought his mom was going to die in the hospital when It wasn't the case and thought she would through death leave him. She's still alive today and never left him but he switched that fear to women he dated and me who he married. He feared one day I would leave him and when I didn't, said his Dr., he been to treat me terribly just to qualify his beliefs which were false. But not wanting to be wrong, he had to do whatever to fulfill his predictions. Not saying this is why your Mom is like this, but I can aay it isn't normal. Something is wrong and she is hurting inside, unhappy and the pressure and anger in her build up until she explodes and chooses to dump her toxic behavior on you. I dont know why she doesnt mistreat your brother the same way. But what I can say, my kids maybe got yelled at sometimes but they were never the obbject of his fears, I was, so they had to watch him every day treating me terribly. They are adults now but I can see the damage done to their psyches done by just observing this. So I believe the same will happen to your brother, watching you being picked on by Mom will mess with his head, even if he doesn't believe it. Watching the parent who treats him one way treat his own borther worse, his own flesh and blood family, is going to bring about thoughts or beliefs that haunt him into adulthood, in choices he makes, and what he wont do. The mind can come up with strange things. I knew someone in your brothers place, who married but did not want to ever have kids, being afraid if they did, one of them might have a handy little person near in the house to mistreat. It took years of work to get that person to be ready to try for kids.

Since you wont get any help from your Dad, the only help you will get is from reaching out to proper adults. A school counselor is a good place to start and share what is going on. Another choice is going by a church you attend and secretly talk to the pastor about it and ask for help. If you dont attend a church and don't want the school knowing, a church near your home is still a good bet and a priest or pastor will be very open to talking to someone who doesnt attend the church if they are the real thing, one who acts like Christ.

The help that most people would think of is using an agency meant to protect children when the parents are having issues, and working with the parents to get them healthy to be parents again. In my area its called CPS Child protective services and goes by other names in other states but its the same work. I will share from my life experience with a family member and their mate mistreating their child, a teacher reported the marks on the child and since the child had a birth father who wanted her from a previous marriage, the courts gave the child to her Dad. Then the parents who had another child together, had her go to temp foster care while they underwent parenting classes and full pschiatric evaluations and ongoing work until they were cleared to be okay as a parent now. THese agencys do not want to tear up families. So if a parent has mental issues, or anger issues, is abusive physically or verbally, reporting them will not tear up a family for good, but give help to the adult with issues, and treat them until they are cleared to have their children again. This may mean temporary foster care for the children. I am no psychic so I have no idea what is deep inside your Mom that is affecting her to the point that she lashes out at you and is generally a grouchy, unhappy person. Remember that there are times when you haven't seen how Mom treats your Dad. I will guess it could be linked to him somehow. It may not at all be anything he's done or did wrong but him not being the person she thought he'd be. Do you see them act lovey dovey in front of you, trying to sneak kisses or loving pats during the day, week, whatever. For all you know, they may have fallen out of love long ago and remained together for whatever reasons each did, usually some co dependency issues. Your Mom may simply be acting out of her personal unhappiness. If you don't witness Dad treating her badly, then its not what he does but what image she wishes she had for a husband that he can't ever live up to. Many mismatched couples stay together, cohabitate and since they are not in love, have children but then have affairs to take care of other needs. I certainly hope its not the reason why your Mom is as she is. If she doesn't ever get help and get better, unfortunately as it may be, you may not want to see her ever at all after leaving for college, becaause without her wanting to change and agreeing to intervention with whatever her problem is, she will continue to be a toxic person. Toxic people should be avoided as they will only make you unhappy, and sick. I wish I had a magic wand I could wave for all those who write me with stories of their toxic parents, a wand that would change each one into a loving parent without their former issues. But there is no such thing. Instead there is free will which God gave all of us. If he were to change a person into a nicer person against their will, that would be taking away their choice, even if their choice is a bad one. Same as if I used a magic wand, it would still take away a persons free will. I wish the best for you.

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Hello,

I am from USA I am a girl and I am 18, and I have recently gotten feelings for a guy. My best friend and I are very close. My sister and her brother are even dating. My best friend has a friend who was dating the guy im into now. They were together for two years, and he ended things with her, because he didn't feel the same anymore, and things were different between them. I've been spent a lot of time with this guy before quarantine. Everyone thinks he's into me, he's a very good guy and we talk a lot over the phone as well. I like him but I don't know if I should make a move or not. If it would cause problems. My sister dislikes him, but she doesn't know him very well. My best friends brother loves him and thinks he's a really good guy. What should I do?

I'd have to say that for a teen romance, it lasting 2 years is a good sign as teens don't usually have long dating relationships.
See, at this age, people are still learning who they are, what they want in life and in a person and learning about who you like in a person doesn't come about from dating only one or two guys or none. So I will say that if there is anyone who catches your interest, then there's no reason not to go for it and consider this another learning experience for you. I even watched other people teen and adult couples and watched to see how the man treated his wife or gf. I wanted an idea of what appealed to me in a guy and what I didn't want. The list for what you don't want sadly is something I had to experience in real life and it was with a husband who was wrong for me. I married at 20 when I really didn't know much at all. The warning signs that he wasn't a good choice were there, I can see that looking back. So I wish I had dated and made a list of what I did and didn't like in a gou earlier. This list will be refined many times before you find the right guy, the one that all women want, someone who will love them unconditionally for the rest of their lives. Its just that there are women who have no idea how to go about finding that or having the patience to wait for him to come along. I didnt meet my perfect guy until after I got a divorce. Met him at age 51. But you are young and just starting out. Although its good to listen to what others who really know your guy well, think of him, teens don't have life experience to tell any better and at 20 I still didn't know and made a bad decision. So I wouldnt rely so hard on what others are saying that he is into you. When I put myself out on a dating site, (thats how I met my 2nd husband) many guys wrote me. I must have recieved contact letters from a couple hundred guys. Of course I didn't marry any of them. They were into me only by looks and one third to one half didn't even read my profile because at the end I put a note that if he writes, he needs to refer to something I wrote in my profile. So I am trying to say that just because a guh is into you, if its really true, that doesn't mean he'll make a good boyfriend or more some day. If a guy says, "I love you" that still doesn't mean anything. I am showing you how to think about this all so in case it turns out you get with him and later it doesn't turn out, you'll understand why. People use the word love, as a verb, I love chocolate, I love roses, I love cats, etc but we love these kinds of things due to liking certain aspects of each thing. With chocolate, its the flavor, with roses, its the smell, with cats, its the personality of cats over dogs. But unless the cat was my own, I wouldnt have more to say as to why I love it.

There's love as in the example above or there is 'being in love'. My ex told a psychologist that he was not in love with me, only loved me because I was the mother of his children. What kind of answer is that? I don't believe the love me for giving him kids part because his actions speak louder than words.

WEhen you date this guy or any after him, look for what he does for you. Does he encourage and support you in following your interests, dreams hopes and being a better person? Is he consistant in how he acts? This is important. A guy can treat you well and then switch like a Dr. Jeckle Mr Hyde thing and becone a monster in how he treats you. I made excuse in my mind. He lost his job, he's stressed because one car broke down, he had a toothache, etc. Even being in pain is no excuse for yelling, being angry with a woman who you are saying you love. My new husband has been in pain in many situations, broken leg, one of the worst with 3 breaks, and he has never treated me badly, he will warn me he isn't feeling good or to talk softer as he has a headache, and I understand that. But theres no excuse for a guy who says he has this list of great traits but they aren't consistent, like I am patient, I am a kind person, I am loving, I treat all people with respect, I am forgiving, I dont hold a grudge, etc. I've heard this before and after some time of pretending to be all the things they believe will appeal to me, they show their true selves, once thinking they have caught you like a fish on a hook because you are saying you love him. I dated one guy 3 or 4 dates always in public, then I am invited to dinner he was cooking for me. He was a totally different person, not what he said to me but the things he said showed he was a perfectionist, anal retentive, holds grudges, talks behind peoples backs and is a racist to name a few. I didnt have to wait to see if it happens again. I ended it over the phone for safety sake. Its like the real personality escaping a crack in a jar they have been presenting to you as themselves. What ever oozes out that crack, you can be sure there is more of the same hidden inside.

So all that remains is you deciding why you want to date him. I know of girls who feel naked or like an oddball without a bf by their side. Its like he's their status symbol. I mever dated guys in school. I didn't have a need to have a guy to justify who I was as a person. I was ok with myself but finding the right guy is even better. Don't look for a guy to complete you, but realize that a person who is a whole healthy person mentally and emotionally is able to give 100% of themselves and its all good. If two people are only half of what they could be, yes the two halves make a whole but alone they each are missing some things mentally emotionally, and have all kinds of baggage or things to learn and master in life and are not good relationship material.

So you will know if you should og for him by what reason you have for doing so. Do you think you care enough about him that you want to do and give and help him as well as him doing the same? Thats a good reason. Do you just want someone as a social buddy to go places with. If thats true and both of you are looking for the same thing, then thats a good reason. But best reason I know of for wanting to date is to want to learn what I personally like and don't like about guys. I got help with this, 2nd time around when looking for a new husband. I wrote an article called, Finding Mr. Right. and I know it works because I used it to find my 2nd husband. YOu can use the same just to find a boyfriend because you'll still want to good traits in a bf that can be in a husband. So if you are game for starting to be serious about discovering what you like and dont like in a guy, then you most certainly should date. Somewhere along the way, one of the guys you date to learn about, will end up being the one who falls for you and you for him and you marry someday.

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My fiancé (30m) and I (26F) are getting married in the next couple weeks. We’ve been together for two years and live in the US. I come from a really poor family and never had much of anything growing up and it was honestly horrible. I went to bed hungry so many times as a child and even when I grew up, moved out, went to college, and got a job to support myself on; life still sucked without money. I was constantly having to figure out how I was going to make rent, how to shop for a bargain, feed myself, etc. I always had multiple roommates and counted every penny. I typically lived in college apartments so they supplied the furniture because I couldn’t afford it. I wore the same clothes for years and could never afford to do anything nice. Even movies were a struggle for me.

Then I met my fiancé who’s by most people’s standards, fairly wealthy and has connections so he’ll never be poor becuase he was able to go to a top school and land a 6 figure job. I do love him, but I’m not in love with him.

He never physically hurts me, but a lot of things are his way or the highway. He’s very bossy and arrogant and sees everything in black or white. When we argue he makes sure that he lets me know every time how much he could ruin my life if I left him and that I’d be back to struggling without him.

With that in mind, if I go along with whatever makes him happy then my life is generally happy too. He’s sweet as long as everything is going how he wants it to and most of the time it’s easy enough to do that. He’s definitely elevated my life a lot, we have a big beautiful home, go out to eat wherever and whenever we like, and can afford most things within reason. Money and bills are never a worry and I never go to bed hungry. He’s bought things for me I could never afford and in the future things only look like they could be brighter.

I know that my chances of meeting another person
of his status who would want to marry me are next to nothing and my family and friends would absolutely be mortified if I didn’t marry him.

It still makes me sad though becuase im not attracted to him, and will never have a good love life with him. I’ll never really get to pick and choose what I want because he’s king at the end of the day. I’ll never have my own place to call mine becuase everything is his and even the things I have my name on he could take away from me because he knows I couldn’t afford them without him. I’ll never get to travel or live anywhere he doesn’t want to go. I’m like a little bird in somebody else’s birdhouse. Every time I want to break up with him, I can’t becuase I’d have nowhere to go and all of my loved ones would turn their back on me if I left him. I work 40h weeks and have 20k saved up, but getting a place based on the credit I don’t have is so difficult and I don’t want to live in college apartments for the rest of my life. I would also still struggle becuase my car payments, student loans, etc are so much that if I were on my own I would be dirt poor again.

So at the end of the day I have to grin and marry him and be happy with what we have together. There’s never going to be a fairytale romance for me because money rules America.

You are thinking that the worst of marrying this guy is that you are not in love with him and that as long as you do what he wants, that he will be happy but I can guarantee you'll be lying to yourself as I did for 30years that I was reasonably happy. My situation wasnt exaxtly yours but I do know what it is like to be married to someone who turns out to be totally different after I married him.
So I will explain what I went through so you can understand what to really expect.

Heres what the worst can be like. I marred at age 20. He was 24. He wasn't wealthy but a full time worker at whatever over the years and I had to work too to survivc and we did and considered ourselves middle class but at the bottom of that. We eventually owned a house and had two cars, went to church and were active there. I didnt understand then but know now that he was born with an inability to love people and also had undiagnosed mental illness, enough for me to see at home but not enough for society in public to discover he has it. He was not in love with me but loved a few aspects of me. When asked by a psychologist if he was in love with me, he finally admitted after dodging the question 3 0r 4 times, that he had never been in love with me, only loved me for being the mother to his kids. After going a few sessions, this was near end of marriage, he stopped going and in a talk I had with the Dr. and realized from what he said that hubby might never change for the better, even going to him, I decided I'd had enough and left him because he wouldn't cooperate for divorce. The Dr. had discovered this much, that the husband was aware that something wasn't right with himself but afraid to find out and get treatment, rather choosing to show people in general that he was just another good man by having a home, cars, a wife and kids minus the white picket fence. It wasn't bad that he didn't love me. Sooner than later, he began to despise me as well. He verbally abused me after a month into our marriage. There were warning signs for me as there are for you but at 20, I just couldn't see them for what they really were and made excuses for him in my mind trying to rationalize what he said and did. I remember one day being so terrified that he in an angry rage would hit me that I locked myself in the bathroom for hours. Also, he wasn't even sexually matched with me and was not aroused by me. I never saw desire in his eyes. We had sex only when he wanted it, not because I did. He had to work the next day was always his excuse, said with frustration and anger towards me. He wanted Friday or Saturday only as he wouldn't work the next day. Even so with a bad sex life, we had 3 girls. His bad treatment mostly centered on me, he'd only yell at the kids sometimes if he was frustrated at something else that did not go the way he thought his day should go. tHAT left no room for unexpected things like finding someone smashed your car window overnight. When I found that, I knew I couldn't tell him or rely on him. I had to handle the whole thing. I had friends better than my husband because one friend followed me to the shop where a new window would go in and took me out to lunch so I didn't have to wait a long time in the repair shop office. When hubby got home, told him my car window had been smashed, and before I could tell him I had handled it, he already came unglued.
Your fiancee and my ex sound quite alike as far as being unreasonable and wanting to put up a good show in public. I can understand wanting to marry for money. And that is a good thing if the man is a sweet person and totally in love with you, inside not just the outside. I can say now from experience with ex and some of our friends who ended up being controllers, that a controller type which your guy sounds like in all that you described him to be, and based on a personality class I took that talked of four basic personality types. Other tests go into more details. But this one is Promoters, Controllers, Analysts and Supporters. My ex was combo Promoter and controller while I was a Support type changing slowly towards being a bit promoter too. Basically, the room of us split into 4 groups when we were described the traits of each group. Promoters and Controllers had plenty in common to get along. Supports and Analysts, (your quiet bookworm types) were so total an opposite that a controller type automatically disliked the opposite types and felt despise for. I met others in my life who were controllers and can tell you all about them. In mental health, there is such a description as a controller. What you said partially describes a controller. ie "his way or the highway. He’s very bossy and arrogant and sees everything in black or white. When we argue he makes sure that he lets me know every time how much he could ruin my life. Although I watched a husband pound the table while visiting a girlfriend and he demanded she take off her wedding ring and put it on the table and that he would leave her, rather than yours saying if you leave he'll make life hell. A controller also believes they know more than anyone, are better than anyone else and become enraged if they feel you are questioning their knowledge, status, or anything they say. The an I mentioned married to a friend, grabbed her ring off the table and threw it to the far reaches of their backyard. I left. Another day, I stopped by to see her, and usually a controller will slowly work to cut you off from family and friends and are questioned and monitored like a child where ever you go, and if you go, you must call him. Nope he didn't do it exactly the same but thats also a controller trait. So I had eaten dinner, stopped by and they were about to dish up dinner, my husband had come in to wait for me before we went on our way. I was invited to dinner, told him we'd already eaten and he ignored what I said, pulled out a chair and told me to sit. He was too comfortable with me and was ordering me to do his will just as he did with his wife. He poured a glass of wine when that was all I would accept but his voice kept rising til he was yelling at me to sit and eat with them. I looked at my husband for help cus he wasn't being picked on, just me, cus of course hubby was a promotoer, close enough in personality to get along and I wasnt. My husband looked stunned, bug eyes and did nothing. So when the other gals husband took a step quickly and menacing towards me, I tossed the wine I had into his face and ran for our car, not caring is belpless hubby walked home. I was now pissed at the other man and my husbandd and drove to a park and didn't go home til ten. In the 30 years of marriage to an unreasonable none loving man and experiences with other controlling narcisstic people, the stress affected me. You will experience stress. Most women in bad relationships when they have 24/7 stress, find it affects their mind and emotions. Stress has to go somewhere and will affect your mental health or physical health. My faith kept my mind sane but my body suffered with stress caused illness, daily headaches, several migraines a year, all over body rashes, higher blood pressure, stomach ulcers and the list goes on. When I finally left him, i had no where to go and friends in another state said I could come stay with them. they had done this kind of thing taking in abused women before. This meant quitting my job to go. So I ended up without a job and living with friends. I went back to home town to live with a married daughter when when her first baby was due and her Navy husband away. From there I had to find an apt when they were moving too far away and I would lose another job. I had a bf at the time who said we could be roommates and got a place together. After about a month, he began to treat me like my ex had. SO I put my foot down, wasnt going down that path again. He got mad and without telling me, told landlord I was staying and getting a roommate and him leaving. When I hadnt seen him or been able to get a response from him and end of month a week away, I tried hard to find a roommate but wasn't going to cave in to his demands. I met another guy and was dating him a few months and put myself on Plenty of Fish, online dating site. Many guys wrote to me but by now I could see they wrote everything in the negative, I don't want this or that instead of simply stating the good traits they were after. that was a warning sign they were negative, mean people. One guy called and on that first and only call, coughed the cigarette smokers cough and I am allergic to cigarette smoke which was stated in my profile of what I was looking for, criteria a guy had to meet. He was complaining to me about all sorts of stuff in the world and his pet peeves, not asking me anything and when he kept coughing I asked if he smoked and he said yes. So he smoked and was negative and I told him not interested. Others lied to me on phone and face to face. People can put on a fake personality to hook you at first but after a handful of dates away in public, I finally went to a guys house where he was inviting to dinner he cooked. However when I walked in he apologized for his place looking messy and called his maid lazy and racial slurs. I don't know if he really had a maid, but his place was neat as a pin. So this told me he was anal retentive, had unnatural, unreachable high standards, was racist etc. I quietly had dinner, and only waited til he called next to say I'd given it a good try but there wasn't any chemistry. I learned from an earlier person whom I said it wouldnt work due to his smoking that telling the truth to possible controllers/narcissists is leaving you open for bad treatment, hate mail and phone messages and I am sure this guy could do worse. So if you want to leave him, you would have to find a lawyer who does pro bono work, and pretty much every one will take on one or two jobs like that where you do not have to pay and they only get pay if theres any money you win the case. I would not marry him. It will affect your health and you would be miserable. Having kids with someone who doesnt love you and is controller/narcissist Will damage your childrens views of what a happy good relationship can be. Kids copy what they see so your little boy could end up treating women badly and girls afraid to marry or choose someone as bad as their dad which happened to mine. So if I were you, I'd call around for womens shelters and see how to go about getting in there. Call around and find a lawyer ready to take on a free/pro bone case and tell him what you can about your predicament. If a lawyer has all these details as you leave the fiancee and he threatens you, the lawyer can help with any of the problems your guy tries to create because you made the first move


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25/f
Husband is 28/m

My husband let's me use his ipad for games and for looking things up. I was looking up something for my new game, Animal Crossing, continued my search and then forgot the site that I originally liked so I went to the history page. That's where I found all these porn sites.
We've talked about porn and where we both stand with it. I told him I'm fine with it as long as he's not watching it while he's hanging out with me. He told me he doesn't like to watch it often because he knows some men who got addicted and how it could ruin relationships. He also has pictures of me on his phone as well as some videos of me and of us and I asked him why he saved those and he said this is what I use when I masturbate.

So when I found the porn in the history, I wasn't mad or anything, I just wondered why he'd lie about not wanting to watch it a lot. Because I was really chill about it when talking to him. I'm pretty open.

In between those sites he searched specific girls names. I went to his Instagram and hes following them. That made me uncomfortable but I'm not sure I should talk to him about it because I might just be unfair.
Last year he unfollowed a bunch of women on Instagram to prove himself to me because he came home one day and told me he was messaging a girl from his past and it got sexual. I was hurt but we worked through it. I never asked him to delete anyone off Instagram, he told me he doesn't want any sort of temptation and wanted to show me he'd never do that again.
So now I think it just made me a little sick that he's following porn girls on Instagram.

Next was he searched for a girl he dated from a long time ago. Searching her for her nudes. Before we were ever dating, we were friends, he told me she was the one that got away. So her name always stuck with me and seeing that he's still thinking about her, hurts me. I clicked the link and his search found nothing, thank God.
The dates on all this was while I was home so I felt a little weird about it.

Well while I was looking at this, he was at work btw, and it started refreshing. Turns out his ipad is connected to his phone. It was just regular porn so I just ignored it. Then it went from that to escorts. Well first there was a site called oodle, I didn't know what it was but it looks like Craigslist and he was on the personals. Where it looks like dating? I didn't dive deep on it.
Next was searching for escorts in our city and the cities around us. He clicked on multiple ones.

Anyways, as open as I try to be, I can't get on board with escorts.
We just got married four months ago so our sex life is good, really good. I still felt in the honeymoon phase.

I know we should talk when he gets home today. I just feel guilty because even though I stumbled upon it innocently, I dove deep after I saw some girls names and his ex and the escorts.

He's really understanding so I don't think he'd get mad, but I know he'd definitely go incognito the next time he looks at porn haha.

But where I need advice is how to approach the topic? Do I need to be more understanding of him and why he's feeling the need to look at escorts? Curiosity maybe? I would really hope he wouldn't cheat but my heart hurts.
I feel like he crossed boundaries but this is also something I wasn't supposed to see so I feel guilt.

Thanks!

I am open minded too. My second husband would rather let me sleep even though I've told him he can wake me in the am's for sex. But he needs relief and would masturbate to photos on line. I got up early one morning to find him doing so. He showed me the photos and said he chose them because the females bodies looked the most like mine. He also has said plenty of times that he is so blessed that he got the female withe the kind of body in looks that he had imagined having someday when he was a little boy. But it doesn't stop at the outside looks. He absoultely is in love with who I am on the inside. So you may be open minded but it really depends on what is going on inside of your husband.

He may love you but there are levels of interest in that, where a person can love aspects of another, like I like chocolate icecream, the flavor, texture, etc. But I may not like other flavors so much. A human isn't someone to pick and choose what we like and think the rest isn't going to bother us. There had to be unconditional love.

So I don't know how much your husband loves you on the inside, your personality and such. Those kinds of things are what interest a person in being friends. Even your female friends. Friendship love is not the eROS love or the one with desire, romance and sex. But it is one of the crucial 2 pieces in a firm foundation for a successful love relationship. The other is something that works only if both feel the chemistry with each other. Thats a pheromone based thing not studied much in people, just animals but works the same. We are attracted first by sight but if it is to go beyond enjoying the sight of someone, into being close or having sex, you really need someone whose kisses feel erotic like from a lover, not giving you feeling that you're gtting a romantic kiss from a male relative. That gives you a yuck feeling and is gross.
I didnt know any of this stuff when i married at 20 the first time. So I am not trying to come across as if I am smarter than you. This is life experience and I wish there was a class one could take in College or even sr year HS to learn this kind of stuff. It would prevent lots of mistakes and heartbreaks. So I like to teach rather than make a short statement you might take differently than I. I spell it out. I stayed 20 yrs with a man who had no chemistry with me and also was verbally abusive. My second husband is a prince charming
and in love and loves unconditionally.

We all lose looks as we get older. So I wanted a man second time around who though he enjoyed my looks, was as enamored with my charateristics and personality as those will last a lifetime. We both have the wrinkles, gray hairs, and things going wrong with our bodies getting older but we are still in love and yes, still sexually active although not without some problems that come with age. We are just thankful we have each other and content with the best we have. By the way, I never mentioned earlier about nude pics on PC, I asked if he would like pics of me to masturaate to and he did so we had fun taking lots of pics for him to use those times I was sleeping or sick or something where he had to masturbate. The thing is, he doesnt get aroused by other women. Some guys like any kind of female, any size, etx. but my husband really is turned on by my looks, thus used photos that came close to looking like all parts of me nude.
I can't say what is going on for sure with your husband. He is younger age and may still believe that more variety is what will make him happy or believe that he doesn't have to stop at using a few photos off the net but go for everything, including women who do porn for a living and paying for that. While its one thing to understand that men are visually oriented, its one thing if they can appreciate the looks of a woman, like a beautiful vista of waterfalls, sunsets, etc. But if he feels he needs more than his wife to take care of his needs, something is wrong, something is off. It was your womans intuition already telling you that something didn't feel kosher here. That is why you looked at his phone. I am not saying its okay to sneak looks at his phone but married couples who act consistantly inb ways that help build trust have no urge to sneak on a partners phone but will have the pass code for emergencies, answer each others calls and read texts, or whatever. That is not wrong. But a person can feel they don't 100% trust their mate and although it could be entirely something wrong with the mustrusting person who will misstrust no matter how much their mates actions prove they are trustworthy, it is more often a female unable to trust her bf or husband because there is a lack of full trust. If your husband was okay with just photos of nudes, no porn, as mine does, I am sure you would have no problem, especially if he consistently acted the same way. It is the consistant actions of a person that makes you able to trust or not trust them. Consistency is the key word here. If my man wanted to do something he talks to me about it right before or after. He does compliment people, mostly women but not because he's ogling them, he's into jewelry and gemstones and will compliment a woman on that or the shirt or dress she's wearing and I am right there with him. It would be a problem is he never compliment me, only other women, making his compliments a pick and choose rather than consistent. And none of the women except one in probably a hundred, ever realiaed he was genuine and not hitting on them. Only one women looked horrified over at me and I had to slap my hand over my mouth to hide my laughter. You feel he has crossed boundaries. If my husband started acting the way yours is, I would feel alarm because as I said mine talks to me about anything rather than waiting for me to discover later. If its not something a guy wants to keep hidden or keep silent on,, then its okay but the hiding must mean that deep down he knows he shouldnt be doing it or knows you would not like that so does whatever it is, in private. That alone is the warning that something is not right.

Just the other day, a homeless woman on her own whom we befriended was in a store he ran into while I stayed in the car. When he came out, he told me he saw her in there before she noticed him and came up behind and put an arm around her in a hug. It made her day. He is definitely not attreacted to her body type and definitely not her personality but he is kind to all women and doing what he can to cheer up any who may likely never get any compliments. So I already know this. Before we could leave, she comes out and comes to my side and I opened the door. SHe told me she was surprised to have some strange man put an arm around her until she looked and saw it was my husband. I knew first and because he told me, it was obvious he had nothing to hide, no secret flirting with another woman. I hope you understand what I am saying here. Its not a matter of me not knowing your husband and his personality...its a basic need in all relationships, being honest, trust worthy, consistent, open about everything. SO the best way to go about it is to say to him that since you are not a mind reader, you'd like him to share more with you, his thoughts, his needs, what he is doing, who he met during the day, not as a checking up on him but just because that helps to make a trustworty marriage and since yours is so new, you'd like to get off on the right foot. If things don't improve, you may have to suggest a marriage counselor. Its easy to say you needed to look something up and didn't realize his phone was attached to the tablet and you saw on it what he was looking at from work...if he must know why you feel a marriage counselor is needed. If you both can call each other your best friend, then its a marriage worth saving and going to counseling.

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For context, I am a girl and I’m sixteen. A few months ago, a guy that I knew started calling me every once in awhile. I didn’t think anything of it because I call my friends all the time and I had not thought of this guy as anything more than that. Let’s call him Cody. After a few weeks of him calling me on the phone, he asked me out. I said yes because I figured I could see what I think of him. Cody ended up being really nice and funny too, so we went out more. The problem is, I don’t know if I like him because I like him or because he likes me. That may sound confusing, but I feel like maybe the fact that Cody likes me makes me like him. I started thinking of this possibility because I still can’t see him as more than a friend after these past months. I don’t feel any different when he walks in the room and I don’t get the kind of butterflies I would want or chemistry in general. It seems like I should end things with him since we I don’t see him in that way, but I don’t want to hurt him. He has become my good friend through this, so I don’t want lose him. Is it better for me to end things since I don’t feel the same connection? And how do I talk to him about it? Thank you for taking your time to read this.

You made perfect sense hon and I remember these feelings from when I was a teen.
The biggest thing for young people is to feel liked. That is why the 'like button on Facebook' or commenting sections on many other apps give a person a false sense of popularity. All we see is numbers of people and that makes us feel good even when in HS, most people lack self confidence. I even had social anxiety back then but no longer. So looking back, and listening to my kids when they were in HS or those who write me here, I can see that nothing has changed, its something we all go through. Let me tell me right now that even those whom you think are more popular are self confident. Its an act, they could make terrific actors, but in reality, they have very little self confidence, and only fool others into thinking they have it. I found out at my HS reunions even at the last one of 40th reunion, that I was now the adjusted self confident person and the social butterfly at the event when others whom I had thought were condifent and popular in HS were able to talk to others easily. Only two people were still like they were in school, outgoing. the others stood alone, shy and talking to no one ex cept maybe one friend they came with. I had to go around and remeet everyone and once talked to, they came alive, smiled and were friendly. I think they were still scared no one would like them.

I shard this all because you need to be aware this is a big thing for people of all ages but even more so when we are nearing adulthood and ready to spread our wings and do things, go places.

What you are wondering, should apply for friendships as well as any relationship that is more than friends. this Cody never asked how you feel about him, asuming if you accepting the offer to chat on phone or go out with him, that you liked him as more than a friend. It is okay for people to have friends who are the opposite sex but it only works if both do not have romantic feelings and desires for the other. Sometimes one feels it, the other doesnt so it won't work. Most peole are too afraid to really talk and find out ahead of time if a friend feels the same as they do.

Friendship is a good way to start. So lets talk about how you feel about your buddies, girlfriends. What exactly do you do for each other. Do they and you care about each other not just during good times but during bad too? Are you there for them in more than just saying the words, like ready to help even if its inconvenient for you at the time, do they do special things for you that you could've done yourself, do they support your dreams and talents and build you up and support whatever you do? All of this stuff is the friendship part. All that is missing is feeling uncontrollable urges to cuddle, kiss and have sex and pleasure each other that way. I know youre 16, and may or may not be sexually active yet but I am also talking of what it is like when adults. You need both the friendship and the sexual attraction and chemistry for a relationship to work. I am sure you probably figured out something close to this as you like the friend part of him but dont feel the romantic part. Sadly, many couples, even married ones are with someone they have only one or the other of the two parts that make up an oin love couple relationship. The ones with only only the friendship part and only one feels the attraction, will end up with one or both cheating later with people they enjoy sex with better. the ones with terrific astounding sex will do okay only in bed but since they lack the friendship part, will fight like cats and dogs the rest of the time. Neither relationship is a good one and many of those end. I am sharing this all so that you will have something real to share with him if the time comes. If he is doing anything that feels like more than how a friend, think of a girlfriend hugging you a bit too long while stroking your back and caressing your hair...that is something a friend only wouldnt do. So even if he's done stuff like this before, females have intuition about things like this and you can always bring it up saying you did not pick up on it before. But if he ever says or does something that feel obvious to you, you will have to tell him that it feels a lot like he isn't just wanting you for a friend but as more than friends and this action just now made you wake up to the fact that this doesnt feel right to you because you dont feel the same way back, you don't have romantic feelings for him.

If he had been smart, he could have asked if you'd like to hang out as friends and later when all is going well and he wants to move to more than friends, all he had to ask was, "Were doing so great as friends that I was wondering how we'd do as more than friends. What do you think? ()Remember that cus you can use it in the future with a guy you do like that way)

Asking a question that way is not sharing how you feel any romantic love, just asking what theyd think, like doing an experiment. If the person asked, does feel the same in return, they could say, yes, lets try that or sorry but I dont have romantic feelings for you, just friend feelings but I love you dearly as a friend. The only problem with staying together as friends when one feels the eros love and the other doesn't, is one feeling they cant be themself, and always sad and reminded they can't have all they wanted with you, or you questioning every little thing they say and do and wondering if what they say and do is as a friend or maybe because they say they love you.

If you get a chance to talk to him if he becomes more than friendly in his actions, you will need to say something about what the differences are in friendship and in love and so I left you all I shared so you'd have some helpful ammunition to shoot his way and even though he's disappointed, leave it to him to understand why you can only be friends and that this is not a rejection of him as a person.

A last piece of advie for your future: Pleae do not fall for a guy who ever says the words I love you without showing it through how he treats you. My first husband said I love you but never treated me like he did, just the opposite. The husband I have now, says I love you but what makes me really feel loved is when he does things that prove his love for me, like taking time to listen to all I want to say, remembering what I like and don't like and surprising me with little gifts, even like bringing home my favorite ice cream from a run to the store, or telling me to sit and rest or do what I want and he will clean up a mess or do the dishes, complimenting me and supporting my hopes and dreams instead of tearing them down. I was verbally abused with first husband. So its a big difference.

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This is my first time using this site; II live in Canada. Male. I am just getting over a bad breakup (only 2 days ago) with someone I was and still am in love with. However, a friend of mine has been helping me through this and whenever I talk to him I feel my face heat up a bit and I feel... strange?
I can’t tell if I’m developing feelings for this friend (which seems weird to me seeing as how I still definitely am in love with my ex). Any ideas about my feelings?

If you left her, then you had reasons for doing so, concentrate on those. If she left you, thats leaves you open to self doubt, wondering where you might have gone wrong, afraid of doing the unknown wrong thing in the next relationship, etx.

We live in an age where the younger generations have been taught about LGBTQ situations which were still in the closet not talked abut when I was a kid. I do believe its true people are born like that and I fully support that. However I feel that with all this extra knowledge about Transgenders, and sexual preferences that younger people today are questioning more and more about their own or some one elses intentions towards them where I do not see any such issues at all. People are reading too much into anything these days.

So now to explain to you what may be going on. You are in the place of need. Someone steps in to help you. You are thankful for that and appreciate it very much and feel something. I can relate.

I can tell you that as a teen I already knew I was attracted to males. I got one period in HS where I got to help the school nurse for that period. She was older than my mom but not old enough to be a grandmother. She had three other gals who prefers talking to her than a school counselor if anything came up they needed to talk out and if she wasn't busy with a sich student which was most of the time, she was happy to be a listening ear and give advice where needed. I remember one time she had finished speaking to another student also a friend of mine when I was so overwhelmed by a feeling, it stopped me in my tracks. No, my face didn't heat up, but I felt my heart so a flip and it felt like it ached woth a love and admoreation for her, a feeling I have now with my second husband as the first one was a jerk. I had to analyse the incident of my feelings right then or it would haunt me. I realized it was not a sexual attraction thing, good lord, she was way older and not attraxtive in looks to me but it was who she wsa inside that I liked so much. So kind, loving, patient, not judging, sympathetic and so on. Lots of good traits. I loved my parents but until then, had only met one other person I felt lihe this about, and that was my Sunday school teacher, a male , where again there was no sexual attraction.

See, there are many different kinds of love. Eros love is the passionate love, Storge is familial love or loveing your family members,Philia which is a love for friends, minus the desire, and lastly agape love which is coined as the selfless love for those in need, love that spurs you to charity for others because you can't stand to see them in need any more than you could people who fit in the other 3 catagories. This is what I had to remind myself of and so I realised I had felt Philia love for her. As a younger person, I admired her and the aspects of her personality. I only felt that way once or twice but not all the time. Heck even with my parents, I had fleeting feelings of love depending on what was going on that made me feel that way but usually the love wasn't a promounced reaction or feeling in my body but it was still the same thing.

So you think its possible you are having 'feelings ' for your friend who I do not know if its male or female. If male, there is a chance you may be bisexual if you are admiring his body sexually and have a desire to be with him sexually. If a female, there is a chance you see qualities in her you like, whether they remind you of the ex or not but that would be just personality stuff you admire unless you are feelings sexually attracted to the female friend. You've heard the phrase, just friends or more than friends. So what is this thing that makes a friendship, more than just friends? It is having a mutual chemistry with each other on top of the feelings of friendship, and this would be the eros love. Eros is where the word erotic comes from, so everything romance and love making is what eros love is. So, no...I do not believe you are developing eros love for your friend, it is still the same Philio love you always had for this friend. If after time, you feel too caught up in feelings still for the ex and want it gone, you are the only one who can fix it because it involves your memories and dealing with your subconscious mind the right way. No hypnosis, just what you tell yourself and how you change your thinking. If you ever want to know how, as Ive done this and it worked and helped me after a breakup before I met my 2nd husband, then let me know and I will share it. You must go to my column to ask for it, at dragonflymagic. I wish you the best.

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