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Razhie. Advicenators Member Since: June 13, 2005. Answers: 5077. Visitors: 211514.
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The Question
OK so I didn't do so well on my last math test, I got a 41%, but I am going to do an extra credit assignment that'll raise it to the 80% range. She was still reallly mad, and is making me go to extra help every day before school at lunch and after school on tuesdays until my grade raises. Is it just me or does this seem extreme?
The Answer
You failed. So yeah, it's a bit extreme, but extreme isn't necessarily wrong.
Extra help isn't a bad idea at this point. Suck it up, prove you can get your grades up, then talk about doing less extra work. But until your grades come up, you don't have any solid argument to make against it.
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The Question
I know a 15 year old who wants out of his mothers place and live with grandparents. If he were to run way now to grandparents will police force him to go back home in a unstable eenvironment, or will he be able to stay with grandparents happy and safe and very well taken care of?
Fyi I am from Connecticut and I know the laws are different from each state.
The Answer
Typically, the police will bring him back home to his mom.
The running away may trigger an investigation into his home life, but unless his mother's home meets the legal criteria and the state believes he needs to be removed from it, he'll just be brought back. His grandparents may even face penalties if they did anything to hide him.
The only exception is if his parents and grandparents agree to have him live at the grandparents. If they all agree, then that's just fine. Usually, that is the first thing I suggest to young people in that situation: Just ask. Ask the grandparents if they'd be willing to have him, and ask the mother if she'd be willing to let him live there. Start that conversation, because the absolutely easiest way to do this is to just have the adults agree to it!
If your friend is in danger at home, the best thing you - or he - can do is tell another trusted adult like a teacher or a coach.
Child emancipation is not the first step. First off, in Connecticut you can only apply for emancipation if you are 16. Also, it's is a long process, with very strict criteria that can be nearly impossible to meet and it doesn't really apply to a minor who wants to live with another family member or have another family member be their legal guardian... Emancipation is for a minor who has no other legal guardian who needs to make their own legal decisions without their parents having any say. (For example, the decisions like seeking medical care, or joining the army, or going to school. If parents are standing in the way of those sorts of choices, emancipation allows a minor to make those decisions without their parent's involvement). Often times young people think emancipation sounds really cool, but it's very, very rarely the right solution to their problem. If his mother isn't willing to have him live with his grandparents, then the next best thing is to try and have the state investigate the home and the situation. If they find it unsafe, he'll be out of there way, way, way faster than if he tried emancipation, and his grandparents have the first right to take him in it it's determined he cannot live in his mother's home.
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The Question
So about 8 months ago, me and this guy started talking. We didn't talk in school, we only texted (just friends).
Later we got into this HUGE fight and I told him I didn't want to be his friend anymore only because I was mad, not because I meant it.
Anyway, he got mad at me and didn't talk to me. Then when I finally got him to talk to me again he said he doesn't think he should be friends with a person who doesn't want to be friends with him (even though I told him I didn't mean it).
We don't talk anymore and it's really awkward at school. But my problem is that we're not friends and I don't exactly know why. It's not because of that one thing that I said.
He told me there are a few more reasons. And I can't live with an unresolved conflict. Like I need to figure out what I did wrong or end the friendship. It just kinda got cut off.
This happened maybe about 8 months ago? Would it be weird if I bring it up to him again?
I have dreams about him over and over, and in the dream I'm scared to talk to him.
Idk what to do, he won't talk to me, please help!
The Answer
Learning how to be okay with not having all the answers, is an important life skill. The better thing for you to do here would be to learn to accept and be at peace with the situation, rather than going on the offensive and trying to pry out more answers from him.
It's been months. Frankly, he doesn't remember exactly what he thought or felt at the time, and neither do you. Any questions you ask him would be invasive and rude, and you wouldn't get the answers you are really looking for anyways.
Learn to live without resolution to every conversation. That is probably more important to your long-term mental health than this person is.
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The Question
Ok, so I have been with my boy"friend" for almost 2 years, our relationship has been good, not perfect of course, but I honestly felt like he was my life partner, my best friend. Or so he said! Well I am 7 months pregnant with our first son, 5 days ago I got a call saying that he had tried picking up a prostitute and got caught in an undercover sting. He is looking at several years in prison. He seems really sorry, but he also seemed like he really loved me. Should I wait for him?
The Answer
In the states, most Johns don't go to jail for more than a month or so on the charge of soliciting a prostitute. Someone who is facing years or a felony charge of solicitation, that person is either a repeat offender, or had been a pimp.
If he is actually looking at several years in prison, you need to consider the behaviour that landed him in that situation, because it's almost certainly not a case of a single stupid decision.
Maybe the prosecution is over-reaching, but really, looking at years for soliciting a prostitute means there is something else going on here.
He's the father of your child, so he's always going to be in your life, but if he has made repeated poor decisions and landed himself in jail for years, then he is probably not a good person to be in a relationship with right now.
You don't need to have all answers right now, or to make the decision right away, but you should go see a doctor right away and tell them that your boyfriend had been soliciting prostitutes and you need to be checked for every STI. Some STIs - even those curable ones - can complicate or even endanger a pregnancy, so do that right away.
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The Question
20/f
I have recently met a guy who I am now dating. He is two years older than me. To me,he's the sweetest guy in the world,he loves me,he tries hard to make me happy,he treats me like a queen. But there is one problem,so to speak. His hearing is damaged so he wears hearing aid. I told my family today and their reactions are far from what I had expected. They reacted as if it were some dangerous contagious disease. He hasn't even been born like that,his ear got damaged later in life. My grandma even accused him of lying,even though he's been honest with me since day 1. My mom called him disabled. I don't even dare to tell my dad. I generally live in an environment where people are extremely judgmental. But I thought my family was better than this. I really love this guy and there is a high chance we'll hit it off and get married one day. What should I do then? I want them to accept him because I'm afraid they may forbid me to see him,yet again it's my life and I will marry who I want. I am scared,I don't want to be forced to choose between my family and him,because I want all of them in my life. He is the kind of guy I've been searching for,I won't let go no matter what. And my family are the ones who made my life possible and I love them dearly. I don't know what to do.
The Answer
Tell them not to be bigots.
The best thing you can do right now is label the behaviour clearly. They are being bigots. They are discriminating against someone. That's not just unkind - that's evil.
It's tough to tell someone you love they are that completely and utterly wrong, but the best thing you can do for your own future and for this guy, is to be that clear. Call it exactly what it is. It's ablism. It's discrimination. It's ugly and hateful. If they were an employer, saying things like that about a person with a hearing impairment would be criminal. Tell them you expect better of them. Try to shame them into being better or at least into shutting up. It might not work, but at least they will have no doubt about where you stand in regards to their horrible behaviour.
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The Question
I am 22 year old guy finally deciding to take a swimming lesson. I went on Saturday and the class looks to have only women in it so I will be the only guy. They all look in their 30s and maybe some younger but still older than me. I called my mom and said I can't go and to cancel the lesson. She said she will if I really want to. Is this a valid concern or am I worried over nothing?
The Answer
What are you worried about?
Look, you are all adult human beings. There is nothing wrong with learning to swim together. Nothing. At all. That is perfectly normal and healthy and it's great to want to learn to swim!
So what are you worried about? You haven't actually told us what your concern is - if it's just that they happen to be women, then no, that's not valid. Half of the pollution on the planet is women, that's not a reason to not do something cool with your time, like take swimming lessons.
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The Question
So, my girlfriend and I have been together for a couple months, and I've been kind of unhappy. She is very unaffectionate to me, never wants to kiss or hug at school, but she holds hands, and hugs her friends at school, and has even cuddled with them outside of school. I'm very uncomfortable about this, and I've mentioned it before to her, but when i do, i get a "it's a joke, calm down" and a lecture from her friends that "I'm in the wrong" she's always sending her friends kissy emoji's and hearts, calls her friends "boo" and "bae" but i get no terms of endearment, almost no affection from her. It's "okay" for her to joke around about cuddling with other boys, but the second i mention something about one of my female friends, it's unacceptable. She completely ignores my texts, and will sometimes not reply for hours, but she constantly and immediately texts her friends back. Should i be worried? Should I leave?
The Answer
If you aren't happy, then you should end the relationship.
There are lots of reasons she might behave this way - including feeling ashamed of being attracted to someone, or feeling that she'll be made fun or called a slut, or even just general inexperience in relationships that is holding her back from being affectionate with you. There is no reason to assume the worst, like that she is cheating. There are tons of other reasons, including ones she may not understand herself. You can't know what is going on in her head (and we definitely can't know that) and it's disrespectful to assume she's betraying you.
What you can know, is that she isn't going to be able to be in the kind of relationship you'd like to have. For whatever reason, that isn't coming naturally for her and it doesn't seem to be what she wants.
So stop whining about 'double-standards'. That's not at all at the core of what is going on here. What is going on is that you two are a lousy match. Accept that, and end it with respect and kindness, not name-calling or accusations.
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The Question
Okay before I start this topic I just want to put a DISCLAIMER noting that this will be completely one sided and biased because it is specifically coming from my perspective (as a 23 year old woman). I know there are many sides to this issue and I won't be covering them on purpose because I am asking for advice for myself specifically.
What I have been struggling with lately is something that I know is technically a personal choice and decision, but I am so torn down the middle that I would just like some outside input.
Men, women, anyone can answer. What I am struggling with is the idea of cheating. Specifically men cheating on their wives, girlfriends. I know women cheat too. And I know there are men who do not cheat. But statistically cheating for men is the rule not the exception.
There was a psychologist who wrote a book about how cheating is so absolutely natural to men because of evolutionary purposes and what is actually ruining relationships is the expectation that a man will be capable of having sex with only one woman most of his life. He says that men desiring other women sexually doesn't mean they don't love their partner, and that it is only lust and physical. He argues marriages shouldn't be sexually restrictive and they would be more successful.
Being a person who sees things from all perspectives I understand this point, and in theory I thought I would be able to accept a relationship like this, however, Ive realized that I cannot.
This is an issue now because I met and fell in love with a man who I think is one of my soul mates, he is perfect for me in every way, however, he has been honest and straightforward with me that he doesn't think he can control his lust. He's told me he doesn't want to hurt me, and maybe for a while he can be faithful but eventually he is afraid he won't be able to resist. (the truth is that extremely attractive girls really do literally throw themselves at him). He tells me that he is in love with me and will always want me, the rest is just lust, but he knows eventually it will show up.
So basically I have the decision to make if I want to be with him or not, knowing this. He is not saying that he will go out actively looking to sleep with other people, but he did warn me that he doesn't know if he will be able to stay loyal forever and his biggest fear is hurting me.
I cannot decide. Theoretically it makes sense the whole lust thing. And maybe not in the beginning when love is passionate and strong, but what about later on? I get it. I really do think most people end up wanting to cheat. I want to be able to accept it. But then, I think of him sleeping with other girls and I cannot take it. I know that if I decide to be with him I will only want him, I am very loyal sexually once I like someones energy I only want theirs, so it is really hard for me to be ok with this. But that means losing him and he really is one of the most amazing people I've ever met. I know I am young but this connection with him is something actually out of story books.
So what do you think? cheating can be ok? never ok? I don't know what to do if I should choose to be with him knowing the risk or try to forget about him romantically and just stay friends. We are also best friends so he will always be in my life. That makes things much harder. Help??
Thank you in advance :)
The Answer
You know what else is natural? Rape, murder, bigotry and racism. These are very natural things, with evolutionary explanations.
They are are immoral and wrong. So just put the whole 'natural' argument aside for a moment. It's a red herring, a distraction from the real discussion you want to be having. What's natural is irrelevant. Even what is normal doesn't matter much. What matters is about how people agree to live their lives.
Here's the thing about what your boyfriend has discussed with you:
He's not necessarily talking about cheating.
A relationship is a series of agreements between two people. It's not some sort of standard contract, it's a living thing that two people are constantly creating together. The moment he started to talk to you about this, he made the first step in changing your relationship agreement. He made a step towards not cheating, and not betraying you, but having a relationship agreement that is based on honesty and might allow for some sexual encounters with other people.
Cheating is never okay when it's a betrayal of a relationship agreement. That's never cool. We can argue about HOW wrong it is, but it's always wrong to make a deal with someone, and then break that deal.
The thing I'd warn you against, is leaving the door wide open and giving him permission to 'cheat'. Instead, if you are comfortable exploring this, let him know that you might be open to the idea of relationship that isn't sexually exclusive, but you do need an honest one, where he doesn't betray or lie to you because of his sexual desires. It's fine to desire other people - but it's never an excuse for betrayal. You hold up your end of the bargain by acknowledging that having sex with someone else, sex that is safe and that he is honest with, will not automatically end the relationship, but that you'll approach the issue calmly and thoughtfully.
Of course, that is all only if you are willing too.
You do need to be cautious though. I'm wary of guys who say things like "I can't control myself." That is complete bullshit. He's capable of not raping someone right? Right. Then he is capable of controlling his desires. Just like humans are perfectly capable of not raping, or murdering or being bigots - despite the fact those are natural behaviours for humans - they are also perfectly capable of honouring their agreements with their partners, and speaking honestly and respectfully with their partners.
Your boyfriend is UTTERLY capable of not cheating. He is perfectly able to say no to sex with someone. That's an entirely possible thing. There is nothing about having a penis that makes him powerless when an attractive women expresses interest. Frankly, that's a myth that is really demeaning to men - the idea that they are all too stupid or too weak to make choices when shown boobs. What he is telling you is that he doesn't want to have a sexually exclusive relationship agreement and that it's an agreement that wont work for him in the longterm. Or at least, if he is honest and decent, that is what he is trying to say.
If you are seriously considering having a relationship with this new sort of agreement, I'd recommend you read the book Opening Up: A Guide To Creating and Sustaining Open Relationships. It's sort the bible for this sort of thing, but whatever you decide, remember that you should never be in any sort of relationship agreement you aren't comfortable with, and your partner should always treat you respectfully regardless of their urges - even if that means respectfully ending the relationship because you two can't come to a relationship agreement that works for them.
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The Question
I am an American citizen married to a Mexican citizen, and I live in Mexico City. I work as an English teacher and am very happy with my job and have great friends here. The problem is my marriage of 4 years. My husband is a serial cheater and liar. He has taken money from me, and has racked up so much debt that we have lost our house. He has physically threatened me, and has a Jeckyll and Hyde personality that I am always very careful of. We are currently in the process of divorce. I basically have 2 options right now. The first option would be to take off and bolt for the USA, leaving him to complete the divorce process on his own here in Mexico, and I could start a new life with my mom in Tucson, or go to San Diego with my daughters who study there. The problem with that is..the divorce would draw out to about a year, and of course Hubby would be sure and 'love me again" so that he could come to the USA with my help of course. The second option I have would be to stay another 3 months in Mexico, finish the divorce completely, and then get back to the USA without having any more ties to my husband in any way. This plan has risks to my physical and mental health since he could find me at any time. He especially looks for me when he needs sex, and threatens me if I don't submit claiming we are still spouses. When I go against his wishes, he threatens to call the police with a made-up story and send me to jail. I feel very vulnerable, not knowing what to do in this situation.
The Answer
It seems your best option is leave, be safe and with family, and then no fall for any change of heart he might have. He cannot force you to support him coming to the US, even if you are still technically married to him.
I'm afraid that part is really that simple. You'll need to remain strong and not fall for any of his tricks after returning to the US and continue to be dedicated to divorcing this abusive man. Hopefully with your family around you, you'll have the support you need to stay strong.
You could try contacting the US Embassy in Mexico City for advice about your problem, however they aren't able to give you legal counsel. They might be able to give you some advice on leaving the country safely and they can recommend Mexican lawyers for you to speak too.
Getting divorced is important, but it's not more important than your physical safety. Remember that martial rape is a crime in Mexico - just because are you married to someone doesn't mean they are entitled to have sex with you whenever they want too. If he rapes you, either by threatening violence or by psychologically badgering you with threats of false crime reports, it doesn't matter that he is your husband, it is still rape.
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The Question
I need whoever is reading this to keep an opened mind about how im feeling and why im feeling this way. Ive had daddy issues growing up, my dad is emotionally shut and doesnt really talk to me, infact he doesnt really talk to anyone in the house. He doesnt even know how to give us a proper hug without it being awkward, he doesnt ever tell me he loves me or that he wants the best for me. Never taught me how to drive, never helped me much in life. Never pays for anything, I work and am completely dependent on myself. I realized this starting to become an issue when I started getting into relationships, at first I didnt want it to affect my life in such a terrible way. I thought to myself that its okay that I dont have a good relationship with my father- However, I realize how it makes me feel absolutely devasted whenever something doesnt work out with someone in my life. I have been through a few terrible expierences in my life that taught me how strong I was as a person, and how people are not always permanent. Went through the typical heartbreak and came out like a rock. What I started to notice was how much pain Ive been through the past few weeks. I met this parent that works in the school i teach, his son is very dear to my heart and I feel like hes my own. I am 20 years old and he is 34 ( just incase that matters) I was walking to work while he was dropping him off and I saw him and said hello. He knows how much I love his son because his wife is always posting our pictures together and I am always tagged in some kind of picture with him. So i found him writing me a message on facebook saying how much he appreciates my treatment to his son- I ofcourse replied politely and then we started talking and he told me that he has a job offer for me he thinks Id be great in. Its his own company and he wanted me to work with him. So ofcourse, just like any normal person - I went to the interview and got accepted. He then told me how much he likes me and how he wants to marry me. In the midst of all of this, we got really close, hed call all the time, text, ask where i was, who i was with, how i was going home.. I pretty much kept my limits by not telling him how i felt about him. I told him that he was married and he told me the whole story about how they were supposed to get divorced as soon as they got married but they stayed together because of the kids and etc. I wont say all the details here because theres no point. But after a while, I noticed that he started to back down a little bit, doesnt call, text or see where I am anymore or sees how my day is going. Its only been happening for about 2 days but i feel like I am in a lot of pain. He was showing me how much he was going to take care of me and unforuntately, I liked that. Which is terrible because I am actually a really strong and independent girl. I dont fall for stupid words and all of that but for some reason him not talking to me is driving me insane. I shouldnt care because hes married and he has 3 kids, but i do. I do because I feel lke my dad put a hole in my heart that I can never fill, and I hate myself for feeling this way for someone I probably can never be with. And im pissed off that he kinda just threw me aside at this point. I feel so upset about more than just one thing but the one person Im really mad at is myself, for caring this much and for being naive. Any advice?
The Answer
Therapy.
The truth is, the whole 'daddy issues' thing is a bit of myth. An oversimplification that is really more about calling women crazy, then it is about helping to make sense of the pain of our past.
It's okay to be hurt! Not only did this guy withdraw his support and affection, he also betrayed you in a really terrible way! He made promises he knew damn well he had no business making. Anyone would be hurt by that, not just someone without a strong father figure. I have a great dad, and I had a guy do something similar to me for six months. It devastated me for years. It was literally years, before the pain he caused me wasn't on my mind every time I met someone new. That's not crazy, or weak - and it wasn't about my dad - It felt like that because I'm human.
Go to therapy to learn to forgive yourself. You are utterly blameless for your father's flaws, and you are utterly blameless for this most recent guy's staggeringly horrible betrayal. It's okay to be hurting! It's human and normal to be hurting! The trick is learning to manage the hurt, and to feel that totally real and valid hurt without feeling you're worthless - because you are not. So try to seek out therapy to gain those skills and that confidence.
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The Question
Why isn't there a pro average BMI movement? Nothing good comes from being underweight, overweight, or obese. Personally, I'm overweight, and trying to lose weight to put me less at risk at developing type 2 diabetes, which I am genetically at high risk for. All the fat acceptance stuff and "size 14 is not fat" stuff pisses me off because it's literally life or death for me, and likely many others. I'm a size 8 and even my doctor says I need to lose weight or I'll have to start taking meds. Ive lowered my blood glucose, but being overweight still puts one at risk. I still have issues with junk food, but I'm better now that a lot of junk has calorie labels that discourage me some. Trying to be less of an emotional eater. It's more than whether curves are sexy or not. Someone can be skinny and still curvy, anywyays. Candice Swanepoel and a 90s Tyra Banks, for example, are curvier than my size 8 self. I don't get what positivity comes through fat acceptance, whatsoever. Yeah we're being complacent about our health, high five! It's all down to diet and exercise, we can't wonder why there's an obesity epidemic and simultaneously accept obesity. It's not that obese people should go die or something, everyone can lose weight. I gave up junk food for lent and went to the gym 2-3 times a week and in 1 month I lost 10 pounds. Even models lose weight, the whole "naturally skinny" thing is a myth. It takes dedication, and in time, you'll get used to it. I'm still getting there, and I'm not hopeless, and no one should be, to the point where they consider their health flaw a source of empowerment.
The Answer
Fat acceptance is about accepting that fat people are utterly valid, valuable human beings. Worthy of respect and love, and not to be subjected to the judgement or ridicule of others because of their fat.
Really, it's that damn simple. All it is, is the belief that you can't determine a person's worth based on their size.
When you talk about fat people as though they have a flaw, or less dedication, or less willpower than you have, that is what you doing. You are calling them less than you. Less good than you. Less worthy of respect.
That is why there is a fat acceptance movement, because people keep associating fat with lazy and stupid - and yeah, sometimes it is that - but also sometimes it's not, and no one else should make that judgement about others based on their bodies. Their bodies are not enough information and you have no business making those judgement, and it's never okay to devalue a human being because of their body.
EDIT IN RESPONSE TO FEEDBACK.
You aren't getting it. It doesn't matter that if it's a genetic thing or not. It doesn't matter if someone is choosing to be fat or not. You still MUST respect the person regardless of the state of their body. That's the point. You don't have the authority or the information to go around thinking of less of other people because of what you see in their eating behaviours, or in their bodies.
I'm not putting words in your mouth. I'm pointing out to you what you don't realize you are actually saying with the words you are using.
When you say: "It takes dedication, and in time, you'll get used to it."
What you are saying is that fat people aren't dedicated enough and willing to suffer to change the way you are - which may or may not be true - but doesn't matter because it is a value judgement about the person. That is a way of saying a person is less than you. That's a lack of respect.
When you say "Everyone can loose weight"
What you are saying is that anyone who can't - and some people really struggle and maybe don't want too - is weak or has less willpower or intelligence than you. That is a way of saying a person is less than you.
You don't have the information, or the authority to make those judgements about other people. Those judgements are a lack of respect.
You need to learn to be proud and comfortable of your own achievements and choices without ripping down other people and making judgements about them that you have no right to make.
You might feel in your heart that you are loving and respecting others, but your words aren't actually reflecting that. Your words are why we need fat acceptance movement, because you are still using language that labels fat people as dumber, or weaker than everyone else.
Thats the problem right there; You do not have the right to determine a person's character, or moral worth, or value based on their body. Whether or not they are choosing to be fat, or it physically unavoidable for the, whether they trying to loose weight and succeeding, or trying to loose weight and failing, you still need to not use your words to imply they are weak, stupid, or less than others.
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The Question
It's gross, especially when it's overt and/or persistant. I thought a relationship was meant to be between 2 people? Why do some couples try to get other people's attention? I noticed yesterday at the mall. There was this interracial couple all over each other, as we stood in line at this food place, and i'd focus on other things but they'd sometimes look back with this look on their face line they want their relationship to interest people, incite anger or jealousy, etc. it was awkward for me, directly behind them, and others in line. I have no problem with any couple, interracial, gay, lesbian, transgender, one young and one old, etc. I'm happy others can find love and be in relationships. I'm not jealous either, it's just uncomfortable to essentially be viewing foreplay without consent. There were children in line, too. Some people seem to get a sexual thrill out of people seeing their pda and that just seems sick and self centered. It makes me understand why there are countries that ban it.
The Answer
Because they like it.
You are certainly right that some people do it show off, or to get a response, but that doesn't matter. When you are free to do something, then people are free to do that thing for stupid reasons, or to be rude.
You are being very judgemental. You'd probably be less offended, and generally have a more peaceful life, if you took a deep breath and gave people a bit more respect. You don't have to like it, but there really isn't a good reason to go around assuming the worst of others. The best explanation, isn't that they are getting off on it like sickos, it's just that they do like it.
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The Question
Governmental overreach is fine as long as other taxpayers pay your bills? If it's bad for the state to decide whether a woman can have an abortion or not, then why not have that same independent spirit over paying for healthcare? How can Hillary Clinton really say she supports people that are pro life if she will sees no problem with making them pay for people's abortions under universal healthcare? Personally, I'm pro life, but I can rationalize why abortion should be legal, and I can also rationalize why we should have some form of universal healthcare, but an abortion is an elective procedure, unless it has been determined the woman's life is at sake, but the majority of the time people get abortions are not cause of rape, birth defects, the life of the mother and other reasons pro choice people always bring up. The majority of the time it's due to a woman's lack of responsibility, simply, and I don't think it's justified for tax payers who disagree with a child being killed for no good reason to have to pay for that. What next, taxpayers should have to pay for people's traffic tickets? that goes against the reason traffic tickets are issued in the first place, to discourage bad driving.
The Answer
I live in a nation where there is both universal health care, and no criminal laws against abortion. Abortion is governed by the our Health Act, not the criminal code, and it is deemed a medically necessary procedure regardless of the any other medical concerns.
As a taxpayer, I pay for many things I don't agree with. I pay for military action I disagree with, I pay for criminal prosecutions I disagree with, I pay the salaries of politicians, police, and even researchers and academics who I disagree with, I pay for churches and religious activities I don't agree with, and I also help to pay for medical treatments that I don't agree with.
I pay taxes to make sure my fellow citizens have freedoms - a bunch of which they use to do things I think are immoral, irresponsible or just plain stupid as fuck. I don't get to withdraw my support from the police station because I think they should just let the gangs kill each-other or because I don't think they should fine skateboarder or pot smokers, or from the hospitals because I think they should let drug addicts die, or even from cancer researchers if I don't like that they are testing on rabbits.
You may well believe that abortion is murder, but why should your belief - a spiritual belief about the definition of life - trump someone else's belief that isn't not murder and their understanding of when life begins. Why do you - personally - get decide what is medicine and what is not? Not the health board, not a doctor?
Jehovah Witnesses believe blood transfusions are immoral and counter to God's will. Doctors know damn well that blood transfusions save lives and are sometimes the only thing that standing between a patient and death. Should that groups belief deny all the rest of us blood transfusions? Of course not! No one has ever argued that! Instead, we just respect their beliefs and don't give THEM blood transfusions since they believe they are sinful and counter to God's will. Doctors spend a great deal of extra money, and extra effort and tons of research and energy into saving their lives without the use of blood transfusions. That is how far we are willing to go as a society to respect their beliefs and their bodies - we wont just let them die even when they are making an objectively stupid decision based on a religious belief. And in turn, they do not attempt to force those beliefs on anyone else's' body by making their beliefs about God's will and the nature of human life into a law that would force people to behave the way that they think God wants us too.
Because in a free society, we allow space for disagreement without punishing one another for acts and beliefs that don't infringe on the freedoms of others. I want the police to try and decrease gang violence - even if nothing really solves the problem and people still wanna shot one another! I want people who take illegal drugs to get emergency care - even if they are going to keep taking drugs! I also want women to who wish to terminate their pregnancy to do so early, easily and without unnecessarily hurdles - even if they ARE irresponsible sluts! I don't think it's murder, and I think it's deeply immoral to infringe on a woman's freedom by forcing her to carry a pregnancy to term because someone else think God wants her too.
I may not be comfortable or agree with the reasons many women choose abortion, but my comfort and agreement are NOT the ways we determine a person's rights under the law. When someone has a right to do something, it doesn't matter if they are doing that something because they are slut. They are still free to do it. They still have a right to choose, even if they are choosing for reasons I don't like.
The job of the government, and our fellow citizens, isn't to defend the souls of other people, it's to respect their autonomy and freedom as thinking, living people. You may believe a fetus is a living person - but I don't - and if we are going to agree that medical care is an important function of a secular government, then that secular government shouldn't be prioritizing your religious belief over mine lack of unless there is significant objective evidence to support one position or the other. There just isn't that. The evidence that we do have, and the agreement that we've come to as a society, is in favour of open abortion access during the early stages of pregnancy.
We can talk about where the line is when it comes to abortion, whether that is 12 weeks, 20 weeks, or whatever, but when you start saying "I shouldn't have to pay for things I disagree with" you are making abortion a special case - because you pay for a ton of shit that you don't agree with in order to respect the freedoms and beliefs of others. There is no solid argument for abortion to be a special case, where your beliefs get to force other people to live a certain way. There is no other situation where some people's religious beliefs change what medical procedures are available to others who don't share that belief. That is an argument we only have when it comes to abortion, because in any other situation we all recognize how absurdly unethical it would be to force one person's religious beliefs on another.
Universal medicine morally demands abortion access for those who would choose it. Just as it is morally demanded that no one woman who doesn't want an abortion should ever be forced to have one, and someone who doesn't want a blood infusion shouldn't be forced to have one of those. The state understands it can NEVER have the authority to force those things on a people. Why some people think the state should have the authority to force pregnancy, and a religious belief about the nature of human life, on someone else baffles me.
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The Question
I recently had an interview that I thought went really well, at a smaller division of a company that is very successful. This is a position that I really want.
One of the questions that I was asked involved any projects that I may have worked on. I mentioned two of them, but forgot to mention another one that I think could be really helpful with me getting the job.
They already seem mostly impressed with me, but I am nervous because I am about to graduate college in another year and I have never interned before. It seems like, even if I think the interview goes well, I never get the job. So, who I am to say that they're going to offer the position to me?
All of these people seem very friendly, laidback but still professional. I think that they would be great to work with.
A man who I interviewed with, and who was friendly enough to walk downstairs with me and point out which direction to walk in for the subway train, gave me his business cards so that I could communicate with him if I have any questions.
I would like to inform him of this project, in which I researched the performance of a particular stock, using financial data (it is financial analyst internship, where I would be assisting the team in coming up with plans for successfully budgeting their client's marketing plans), but I am nervous about coming off as irritating.
Of course, he is busy and has tons of other things to do. Should I email him the details of that project?
The opportunity is amazing. I have the option to return for another summer, if it goes well, and possibly relocate to do the rotational program which will expose me to all areas of the business.
The Answer
Have you sent a thank you note yet?
The easiest way to do this would be to send a note or email thanking him for the chance to interview, and include a VERY brief (3 or 4 sentences max) about the project you neglected to mention.
Emailing him the details of the project might get you into trouble, but mentioning the project in the context of thanking him for his time and repeating your desire for the job would not be fine.
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The Question
Well i cave my bf a blow job and i didnt wash my hands like a dumb person and went home and masterbated can i get pregnant from it? Do i have a low or high chance of pregnancy
The Answer
It's pretty close to impossible.
Sperm can't survive very long without liquid to move in. Once it's dry, it's dead.
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The Question
Whether the use of condoms shows the vorgin nature of a woman...after having sex...??
The Answer
I'm afriad your question doesn't make sense.
It is impossible to know for certain if a woman is a virgin or not. Only the woman can tell you if she had sex before. There is no way to tell expect to ask her.
If a woman has sex with a man wearing a condom, she is no longer a virgin.
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The Question
Why does the Selective Serotonin Reuptake Inhibitor SSRIs which is an antidepressant could possibly cause suicide? I've been diagnosed with depression and I've been taking seropram(SSRIs) for the past 6 months. I haven't asked my doctor about it yet I've read a black warning that it says the possible suicide attempt. I'm 17 and I don't know why it does cause suicide attempts when it is an antidepressant. I'm afraid I might think of it. I'm confused. Please do help me and let me understand. thank you.
The Answer
You've been taking the drug for six months, so don't worry, you are likely just fine.
Truth is, no one is exactly sure how SSRIs work. There are plenty of theories, but chances are they work a bit differently in different people.
A small percentage of people experience more suicidal thoughts when they take SSRIs - or when they start to wean themselves off the pills.
It's not something to be terrified of. They don't MAKE you commit sucide, you just need to be aware of what you are experiencing and let your doctor know if the pills seem to make you feel worse, because they make most people feel much better, but a few people do feel worse.
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The Question
I'm 24 year-old married woman with Asian-European ethnicity. My left eye has a small portion of an orange-reddish ring due to an accident. I'm planning to undergo a LASIK eye surgery next three months so my eyes will completely turn into blue and so the tiny ring will dissapear. However, I and my husband are planning to have a baby next year, which I will already have a completely blue eyes. (sorry for my statements are vague). My husband has a greyish-blue eyes while I have a
very dark brown eyes originally. So my question is, if I would get pregnant after I would have a Lasik surgery and completely turn my eyes into blue, would my baby have a blue eyes? I know genetically that brown eyes are dominant over blue but we would have same eye colour soon. I'm confused whether my baby would have a blue eyes or brown eyes.
The Answer
Statistically speaking, it's more likely that your child will have brown eyes.
LASIK surgery will not change your genetics - your eyes may look different, but your genetics will be same - genetically, you still have brown eyes. Since is what your child will inherit from you. When one parent has blue eyes, and the other has brown, it is more likely that the child will inheriet the genes for brown eyes. Blue eyes are possible, but brown eyes will still be much be more likely.
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The Question
My daughter, 21 years old, has always had low self esteem and in most, if not all relationships, has at least mentally cheated with "friends" she has via the internet. I thought this time would be different, but apparently it isn't...last night I caught her texting with a boy. When I confronted her about it, I could tell it was more than just harmless texting - and she never denied that it wasn't more. I told her if I was wrong, then show me the texts and she refused...enough said. The problem is that she's getting married almost exactly a month from today....AND I'm dumping a boat load of money into it!
I know it can't be easy for her to live at home with her step-dad and I, but she's very lazy and very unmotivated. She has never held a full time job and does little around the house - 6 months ago, I told her she needed to make active plans to move out when she told me she was already engaged and moving out anyway. I suspected this marriage was just an escape route to get out of the house.
Last night I talked with her and told her this is a MARRIAGE and serious business...she can't play those foolish games that she did in the past. She can't long to have the attention of every man, because there will only be one now. In two instances of her cheating, I became very good friends with the boys' parents, so honestly, I was very embarrassed when her cheating was exposed. This case is no different...again, I've become very good friends with her fiance's mom and we talk often, even though she lives a couple hours away. During the heart to heart last night, I told her if my suspicions are correct, I will not forgive her this time around because she's already dooming her marriage to fail. You don't go into a MARRIAGE with relationships on the side.
Long story short... I'm beside myself and depressed that she has such issues about herself. She had no answer when I asked her why she does this. Just shrugged her shoulders and looked aloof about it.
What do I do? Have I done all I can by just talking to her and giving her the cold hard facts? It wasn't a short talk....she probably tuned me out after the first 3 1/2 minutes.
The Answer
You can't fix this.
There are other things you could choose to do, but nothing you choose is going to fix it, or make you feel like you've done anything all that good.
Remember that it's not just her that is choosing this marriage. It's also him. Neither you, or his mother, have the power to stop this. One or both of them would have to make the decision to end the engagement. There is certainly a real chance that he wouldn't believe you, or that they would both go through with it despite her disloyalty.
I don't think there is any truly good advice to give you in this situation. You are certainly well within your rights to withdraw financial support from the wedding. You could also consider hinting, or telling the other family or fiance your suspicions. Choosing either of those paths may very well damage your relationship with your daughter irrevocably, but they are options. Neither of those options are 'fixes', and probably wont make you feel like you have 'done' anything to help.
The one thing I think you might want to consider is giving them the 'gift' of pre-marital counselling. It's not really a gift of course - they might both resist doing it - but if you presented more as a "We're paying for your wedding, also we are paying for this counselling. If you want one, you must do the other." You may at least rest easy knowing you gave them a chance to speak honestly and discuss their marriage with an intelligent moderator.
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The Question
he is my college teacher, married and has a baby girl too. he used to say that i love you and all and i fell for him. he used to take me for drives and all. we have started being physical too. he has touched my boobs. gave me a vaginal massage from outside. i have not let him touch my vagina from inside. i know im very wrong. and i want to end all this. but he is my teacher and that scares me. he can use his powers against me. im realy confused. i want to end all this before it goes too far. please help
The Answer
You need to inform your school.
What he is doing is wrong. It's coercive, it's bullying, it almost certainly against the rules, and it might even be against the law.
Protect yourself, and protect others, by reporting him to the school.
Yes, it's risky and it's terrifying, but if you don't it wont get better. You'll still be at risk and so will every other young women he uses his position to abuse.
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