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Daddy issues.
I need whoever is reading this to keep an opened mind about how im feeling and why im feeling this way. Ive had daddy issues growing up, my dad is emotionally shut and doesnt really talk to me, infact he doesnt really talk to anyone in the house. He doesnt even know how to give us a proper hug without it being awkward, he doesnt ever tell me he loves me or that he wants the best for me. Never taught me how to drive, never helped me much in life. Never pays for anything, I work and am completely dependent on myself. I realized this starting to become an issue when I started getting into relationships, at first I didnt want it to affect my life in such a terrible way. I thought to myself that its okay that I dont have a good relationship with my father- However, I realize how it makes me feel absolutely devasted whenever something doesnt work out with someone in my life. I have been through a few terrible expierences in my life that taught me how strong I was as a person, and how people are not always permanent. Went through the typical heartbreak and came out like a rock. What I started to notice was how much pain Ive been through the past few weeks. I met this parent that works in the school i teach, his son is very dear to my heart and I feel like hes my own. I am 20 years old and he is 34 ( just incase that matters) I was walking to work while he was dropping him off and I saw him and said hello. He knows how much I love his son because his wife is always posting our pictures together and I am always tagged in some kind of picture with him. So i found him writing me a message on facebook saying how much he appreciates my treatment to his son- I ofcourse replied politely and then we started talking and he told me that he has a job offer for me he thinks Id be great in. Its his own company and he wanted me to work with him. So ofcourse, just like any normal person - I went to the interview and got accepted. He then told me how much he likes me and how he wants to marry me. In the midst of all of this, we got really close, hed call all the time, text, ask where i was, who i was with, how i was going home.. I pretty much kept my limits by not telling him how i felt about him. I told him that he was married and he told me the whole story about how they were supposed to get divorced as soon as they got married but they stayed together because of the kids and etc. I wont say all the details here because theres no point. But after a while, I noticed that he started to back down a little bit, doesnt call, text or see where I am anymore or sees how my day is going. Its only been happening for about 2 days but i feel like I am in a lot of pain. He was showing me how much he was going to take care of me and unforuntately, I liked that. Which is terrible because I am actually a really strong and independent girl. I dont fall for stupid words and all of that but for some reason him not talking to me is driving me insane. I shouldnt care because hes married and he has 3 kids, but i do. I do because I feel lke my dad put a hole in my heart that I can never fill, and I hate myself for feeling this way for someone I probably can never be with. And im pissed off that he kinda just threw me aside at this point. I feel so upset about more than just one thing but the one person Im really mad at is myself, for caring this much and for being naive. Any advice?
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I do understand how you feel maybe more than you might believe. My father was a lot like your father and I almost ruined my marriage because of it.
There are a lot of pent up feelings that you have and I have had. Things that we locked away in nice neat little packages and stored in the deep recesses of our minds hoping that they would stay there and they will for quite some time.
If you are anything like I was they will slowly start to seep out and cause you harm in ways you would never imagine. In one sense the relationship you had with your father is already bothering you as this older man has given you what your dad never did. Now he is pulling back just like your dad. This hurts I know for in some ways I experienced what you are going through and that nice little brick building you have built will start to crack.
Don't be like me and wait until you are in your mid fifties and you're about to destroy what you took a life to build. Let a professional help you put things right. I finally did and things have been much better in my life and I have never been happier. As a teacher you should have great health insurance benefits and a EAP program. EAP stands for Employee assistance Program.
Contact the EAP benefits manager and get the phone number to call for assistance. Ask them to help you find a psychologist in your area. Generally the EAP program will pay for a certain amount of visits then your health insurance kicks in. The psychologist should become your new best friend someone you can tell everything to knowing what is said in therapy stays in therapy.
I will admit I didn't have much faith in therapy at first. I can't tell you how it works it just did for me. It's not the type of medicine I know or most of us know where if you are bleeding you bandage it or if you are sick you take a pill.
Therapy doesn't work that way there is nothing to bandage. You have to be honest and work with your therapist. If you do the issues you have, the ones you know about and the ones you have locked away, can and will be dealt with. Once you have dealt with these issues properly you will not be easily hurt, you will be a stronger person in a different manner, you will be happier and you will have a better life.
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I have to wonder if he did this after having realized that things could be really getting serious so he wanted to get out before things went too far. He could be feeling really guilty as well about himself for doing this to you and just doesnt want to admit it.
If you dont want to seek therapy i would totally go try taking a psychology class at a local community college. This could really help you learn alot about other people, how they operate AND about yourself as well. This could also help you learn how to deal with your father, maybe even how to talk to him and get HIM to open up and be able to get him to think about how hes acted all these years.
I know that therapy is good but i feel like we should also learn about others because what could hurt one person, wouldnt bother another because we ARE all different after all and learning how to deal with people you have to interact with in this world would be a GREAT tool for you. Youll learn the difference between people who are ruled by their emotions and will fly off the handle at a whim, and people who are stable, logical, and better for us in the long run. I did it and i will NEVER regret it, it helped me so much to learn how to also ATTRACT the right kind of people as well.
good luck!
; )
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Therapy.
The truth is, the whole 'daddy issues' thing is a bit of myth. An oversimplification that is really more about calling women crazy, then it is about helping to make sense of the pain of our past.
It's okay to be hurt! Not only did this guy withdraw his support and affection, he also betrayed you in a really terrible way! He made promises he knew damn well he had no business making. Anyone would be hurt by that, not just someone without a strong father figure. I have a great dad, and I had a guy do something similar to me for six months. It devastated me for years. It was literally years, before the pain he caused me wasn't on my mind every time I met someone new. That's not crazy, or weak - and it wasn't about my dad - It felt like that because I'm human.
Go to therapy to learn to forgive yourself. You are utterly blameless for your father's flaws, and you are utterly blameless for this most recent guy's staggeringly horrible betrayal. It's okay to be hurting! It's human and normal to be hurting! The trick is learning to manage the hurt, and to feel that totally real and valid hurt without feeling you're worthless - because you are not. So try to seek out therapy to gain those skills and that confidence.
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