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Daughter is cheating on her fiance
My daughter, 21 years old, has always had low self esteem and in most, if not all relationships, has at least mentally cheated with "friends" she has via the internet. I thought this time would be different, but apparently it isn't...last night I caught her texting with a boy. When I confronted her about it, I could tell it was more than just harmless texting - and she never denied that it wasn't more. I told her if I was wrong, then show me the texts and she refused...enough said. The problem is that she's getting married almost exactly a month from today....AND I'm dumping a boat load of money into it!
I know it can't be easy for her to live at home with her step-dad and I, but she's very lazy and very unmotivated. She has never held a full time job and does little around the house - 6 months ago, I told her she needed to make active plans to move out when she told me she was already engaged and moving out anyway. I suspected this marriage was just an escape route to get out of the house.
Last night I talked with her and told her this is a MARRIAGE and serious business...she can't play those foolish games that she did in the past. She can't long to have the attention of every man, because there will only be one now. In two instances of her cheating, I became very good friends with the boys' parents, so honestly, I was very embarrassed when her cheating was exposed. This case is no different...again, I've become very good friends with her fiance's mom and we talk often, even though she lives a couple hours away. During the heart to heart last night, I told her if my suspicions are correct, I will not forgive her this time around because she's already dooming her marriage to fail. You don't go into a MARRIAGE with relationships on the side.
Long story short... I'm beside myself and depressed that she has such issues about herself. She had no answer when I asked her why she does this. Just shrugged her shoulders and looked aloof about it.
What do I do? Have I done all I can by just talking to her and giving her the cold hard facts? It wasn't a short talk....she probably tuned me out after the first 3 1/2 minutes.
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There is nothing you can do to fix this. Whatever you might try to do amounts to "leading a horse to water but not being able to make it drink." Your daughter is 21 legally an adult. Neither you nor anyone else can force her to change.
While I agree counseling might help I do not believe it is marriage counseling that your daughter needs. What she needs is to meet with a psychologist to find out why she has such a low self-esteem. You say your daughter is; "very lazy and very unmotivated." What she may really be is clinically depressed which is either brought on by the low self-esteem or the low self-esteem is brought on by the depression.
If either you or your husbands company offer the employees and EAP program, employee assistance program. These programs generally cover anyone lining in the home with them. This program will find a psychologist for her and pay for a certain amount of visits as well.
Suggest to your daughter that she get a complete medical checkup before she gets married. Try and speak to her doctor and ask that she be screened for depression. IF the doctor diagnoses depression then follow the advice and arrange for her to see a psychologist for therapy.
My feeling is treating one or the other will improve her self-esteem problem. Once that is improved you hopefully will see a different person in your daughter.
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I totally agree with razhie first of all that some pre-marital counseling could be a really great thing for them.
You could use religion like tradition you want to use to get them to do it (even that you pouring money into this and it would make YOU feel better if you knew that this was a serious for real thing) and that if they dont youll with drawl your help money wise. It doesnt have to be a huge deal, act casual about it and give the attitude that everyone else should to with maybe a running theme here of "well when we all are ill or need to go to the doctor to get pills we do that dont we?? this is no different" and to "just consider it a check up from the doctor that you would get yearly to just make sure things are running smoothly" ; )
see?? these are innocent statements you could use with them both and his mother to get her to put pressure on his side of the family to do it if he really loves her.
let me also just say that you are a great mother for being this concerned and going to the lengths that your going to over this. So dont doubt for a moment that you arent doing enough. i think we all know the saying "you can lead a horse to water but you cant make it drink" and you are certainly doing the leading here.
If you have to, offer to take them and sit outside the door if need be. (((sometimes young people are ashamed that they even have to walk into a place like this and just say why they are there, so if you want to ((in a caring way of course)) offer to drive them there, and march right up to the front counter with them)) "since you paid for it, its the least you can do"
that comes off as a "well i bought you this amazing gift that not many couples get to receive before they marry and i want to be there to share it with you as much as i can" type of thing.
its also an under cover "im gonna be making sure your doing this and im gonna be there sitting outside the door to make sure it happens too!" lol. ; )
kind of like an intervention of sorts to get all the issues they might have out on the table before they go through with all this.
you are an amazing mother for trying to do this for them.
good luck sweetie ; )
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You can't fix this.
There are other things you could choose to do, but nothing you choose is going to fix it, or make you feel like you've done anything all that good.
Remember that it's not just her that is choosing this marriage. It's also him. Neither you, or his mother, have the power to stop this. One or both of them would have to make the decision to end the engagement. There is certainly a real chance that he wouldn't believe you, or that they would both go through with it despite her disloyalty.
I don't think there is any truly good advice to give you in this situation. You are certainly well within your rights to withdraw financial support from the wedding. You could also consider hinting, or telling the other family or fiance your suspicions. Choosing either of those paths may very well damage your relationship with your daughter irrevocably, but they are options. Neither of those options are 'fixes', and probably wont make you feel like you have 'done' anything to help.
The one thing I think you might want to consider is giving them the 'gift' of pre-marital counselling. It's not really a gift of course - they might both resist doing it - but if you presented more as a "We're paying for your wedding, also we are paying for this counselling. If you want one, you must do the other." You may at least rest easy knowing you gave them a chance to speak honestly and discuss their marriage with an intelligent moderator.
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