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My parents won't accept my boyfriend.
20/f
I have recently met a guy who I am now dating. He is two years older than me. To me,he's the sweetest guy in the world,he loves me,he tries hard to make me happy,he treats me like a queen. But there is one problem,so to speak. His hearing is damaged so he wears hearing aid. I told my family today and their reactions are far from what I had expected. They reacted as if it were some dangerous contagious disease. He hasn't even been born like that,his ear got damaged later in life. My grandma even accused him of lying,even though he's been honest with me since day 1. My mom called him disabled. I don't even dare to tell my dad. I generally live in an environment where people are extremely judgmental. But I thought my family was better than this. I really love this guy and there is a high chance we'll hit it off and get married one day. What should I do then? I want them to accept him because I'm afraid they may forbid me to see him,yet again it's my life and I will marry who I want. I am scared,I don't want to be forced to choose between my family and him,because I want all of them in my life. He is the kind of guy I've been searching for,I won't let go no matter what. And my family are the ones who made my life possible and I love them dearly. I don't know what to do.
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Oh hon, I am so sorry that you have to discover the shock that your own parents are so narrow minded. It may be a testing time in their life wher they have a change to grow thru their short comings or to remain stuck. I know how important it feels to have the approval of ones parents but we can't always have that. I once had to tell my sobbing daughter that she had done nothing wrong. That in fact her dad, my now ex, was an adult acting like a child, immature and was totally in the wrong. I explained to her that we don't all get the privilege of having mature loving supportive people as parents and as freaky as it sounds, they are in a situation where they are more normal and responsible and mature than their parents. I told her to not let that hold her back from doing the right thing ever.
If your friends had all decided at some point to start using recreational drugs and expected you to see their viewpoint as it being harmless and wanted you to take them too or risk losing their friendship and support, would you have done the wrong thing just to please them and remain in their circle of approval? Gosh, I hope not. Cus thats the same thing you are facing here. Your parents are taking a stance that would be wrong for you to cave in to if it was your friends, or anyone else out in the world, so why do the wrong thing just to keep your parents love.
sadly hon, it isn't even real love if in the end they insist on keeping their stance and not seeing the light and turning around. That kind of love is actually conditional love...I will love you only if you do as I wish. Lucky for us God isn't that way or there wouldn't be a living soul left in existance if His attitude was that of your parents. So here, you need to seek a higher form of guidance to follow. If there isn't another parent figure to talk to and find approval with, it may just end up being God, you know he'd find nothing wrong with your boyfriend.
Perhaps you have grandparents or aunts and uncles who would be more supportive. Try to nurture those relationships if you still feel a need of approval from someone related to you.
The worst case scenerio is that they refuse to attend your wedding or see you and him after married. Yes, thats heart breaking and though they hurt you, you can recover, they as people remain stuck and can hurt worse but refusing to see you. So you give them a choice to attend and dad to walk you down the aisle when the time comes, and if he can't commit or won't, have a supportive uncle, grandpa or even your father in law walk you down the aisle. Just change that line from "who is giving her away' question of the pastor to something else you want. Some don't even say it anymore as many women do not like the sound of it, as if somebody owned you in the first place to give you away. Its a silly antiquated practice. But it is a beautiful gesture to be accompanied down the aisle to the front by an approving male family member or friend if you wish.
I know how scary a situation like this can be. My younger sister (white) fell in love with a black man. When mom at first learned how serious sis was even tho a marriage wasn't quite planned yet, she was momentarily stunned and the words that came out of her mouth were, but my grandchildren will be black. People might not think I am their grandmother, but a nanny instead." Even people who are not truly racist or bigoted have a picture in their mind when they imagine things. I was married and she had a grandchild by me already, (white) AND our only value system, not what we think we were, but who we really are is tested when something in life happens other than the automatic picture in our minds. Do you think black kids want white barbies, or black families want a white baby jesus in their manger scene, heck Jesus wasn't pale skinned, he was from the middle east and as such had darker skin. We go with what we are used to in many cases and when confronted and challenged to face what we truly believe, we process through our thought in time and realize that we were just responding out of a preconcieved idea or mind picture which really wasn't what is important at all. So in the end, in time, Mom and even dad if he feels the same which he may not, my dad had no problem at all, may come around. Its more likely that they will, especially if you've never known them to be bigoted in any other ways, such as against gays, other people of other religious beliefs. My mom came around within days as she wasn't normally like this in other areas of her life. So she was very receptive when meeting his family and coming to like his mom who is the kind of person no one can not like, real sweet...and was supportive of the wedding and terribly excited when my sis was going to have a baby. She has no problem being out in public with her mixed race grandchild and no one thought it odd as there are so many mixed marriages, even of different faiths, or same sex today that no one blinks an eye or see's it as weird or wrong, well except for a few but usually no stranger says anything to you. I have seen plenty of white moms in the grocery with a black child runnin up to them with a package, Mom can i have this. Its just normal, same as a person with a disability if it can be called that. Those with disabilties or mental or social disorders just have to go about a different way of achieving the same end result as anyone else without the same issues. They are differently abled as in your boyfriend. To hear great like anyone else, he uses a hearing aid... so what.
So don't go off worrying that this is the worst case scenerio. You really don't know. Dad may indeed be receptive. Maybe find a time when Mom is not around to have your boyfriend meet your Dad. That way he isn't put in a bad awkward spot of having to suggest to his wife to drop the comments or reprimand her in front of the rest of you which isn't right either. If he is approving, then later let him know of mom's reaction so he can work on helping her see the right way. He's known her for longer than you and may get through to her if she hasn't recovered yet from shock. If she is that stubborn, regardless of his loving her despite that, he will support you. I think you'll be just fine. don't over react, keep your head about you and if it turns out as bad as you imagined, then get support from other family and friends when it comes time to marry. If indeed the parents want nothing to do with you and hubby and grandchildren later on, its really their loss. The kids can still have his parents and you can choose an older couple who have no children and therefore no grandchildren but love kids and would love to be asked to be honorary, adopted grandparents. We did that when my parents both died within a few years of each other. His parents liked and related to older kids better and struggled to know what to do with young ones as mine. So we asked a couple at church who had adopted a child who had no want yet to get married for a long time and badly wanted to be grandparents and paid so much attention at church to ours so we asked them and they accepted and had the kids over for cookie baking and all sorts of fun stuff grandparents do. It was a good win win for them and our kids. You and your husband and future children don't have to miss out on anything as an experience, they can still have two sets of grandparents even if yours choose to not participate. I wish you the best dear. It sounds like a wonderful guy you have there. Not many are that good at relationships or mature enough at his age. Don't let him go because of the parents. You will spend the rest of your life with him and thats many more years than the years you have left before your parents leave this earth. Your scenerio is one too real in society, in books and movies where the child gives up on their love, marries who their parents approve of or never marry. Later they divorce and decide to go find their lost love, or the parents die and now they're 40 or 50 never been married and just now free to do so. I wouldn't take the chance of having to wait that long dear. The guy may not wait that long for you and marry and not be available in the future when you feel free to pursue him. So stick with him if your're both in love, it's your life you're living, not allowing them to live thier life through you.
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So your parent feel your boyfriend is damaged goods, disabled, because he is hearing impaired. Given that loss of hearing or hearing impairment is one of the more common afflictions with numerous caused from high fevers to loud noises and accidents. They are being very short sided and bigoted.
I wonder how they would feel if like me they were standing at a stop light and a truck rams into them a 60 mph and become truly disabled. Would they expect their friends to standby them or say to them, "Your damaged goods now we can't associate with you." You might ask them that question and you might be surprised at their answer for I'm sure they would expect their friends to stand by them. If so your replay then is to say then what is wrong with my boyfriend?
Leaving what I have written above aside for the moment. The fact is at 20 years of age your legally and adult and free to make your own choices. Yes it would be nice if you had your parents blessing but you don't need their permission.
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Tell them not to be bigots.
The best thing you can do right now is label the behaviour clearly. They are being bigots. They are discriminating against someone. That's not just unkind - that's evil.
It's tough to tell someone you love they are that completely and utterly wrong, but the best thing you can do for your own future and for this guy, is to be that clear. Call it exactly what it is. It's ablism. It's discrimination. It's ugly and hateful. If they were an employer, saying things like that about a person with a hearing impairment would be criminal. Tell them you expect better of them. Try to shame them into being better or at least into shutting up. It might not work, but at least they will have no doubt about where you stand in regards to their horrible behaviour.
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