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Family, Youth and Mental Health CounsellorAge:
31Member Since:
July 13, 2006Answers:
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October 16, 2007Visitors:
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about
Hello All, I am counsellor with over 12 years experience specializing in parenting, families, youth and mental health. I answer questions in a blunt and straightforward way so if you are looking for coddling or really touchy feely type advice thats not me I provide real solutions for your problems and concrete suggestions in other words I tell you the plain truth I don't sugarcoat.
I am really worried these days with the easy access to the internet and all the false information that is out there and the fact that people believe it!! So please ask first. I don't claim to have all the answers but I can claim that NOTHING will shock me you can try though :)
I look forward to hearing you thoughts and questions.
advice
Okay, here's what's going on in my life right now - I just recently got out of a relationship, and I'm reacting to the breakup kind of strangely. I never really cried, but I keep feeling my eyes burn and my throat tighten. I never cry for more than like, 30 seconds.
I've always had kind of a habit of forcing myself not to cry, and I'm worried that it's gone too far. I feel like, emotionally numb. I'm not upset or angry, I'm just kind of...there.
Physically, I have no appetite, and no energy. Thing is, I'm trying to lose weight. I weigh about 130 and I'm 5'4". My goal is 118, and I've been doing like, Atkins and South Beach - both work really well, by the way.
I know anorexia is not the way to go and it's insanely unhealthy, but I don't want to eat if I'm not hungry...and I'm never hungry. The other day I didn't eat until around 3pm, and picked at what I got. I'm also having major sleep problems...
I'm basically falling apart, and I don't know what to do.
I NEED to lose the weight, is my main thing. I hate my body and I always have. I want the image I have in my mind...but I don't have the motivation to work out recently. What I thought I might do is try to lose fat and hit 118, then start toning. I know I'll gain muscle, but at least if I hit 118 first, then tone, I'll know it's muscle.
Anyway, I don't know what's going on with my reaction to breaking up, and I don't know how to fix it. I actually tried to make myself cry, and I got like, one tear. I was with this guy for quite awhile, and we had an amazing connection. Why am I not more upset?
I don't understand it.
In any case, I wanna hear what you guys have to say, so speak up.
Pay attention to your spelling and grammar, please. I'll rate you down if it's incorrect.
Hey,
It sounds to me like you may be clinically depressed. When a person gets depressed not only is one of the symptoms trouble sleeping but also a change in your appetite is a red flag. Many people believe that with depression it is the opposite that you sleep all the time and eat constantly, however, it can also be the opposite. I would suggest that if this does not improve soon that you visit a health care professional to discuss options that would benefit you.
As for the not eating and its effect on your weight loss plan when you don't eat your body actually starts to store fat because it doesn't know when more food is coming. This makes it much harder to lose weight. I would suggest that you at least try to eat something small and healthy like fruit or a salad. I know on Atkins that you are not allowed fruit though so maybe try eating one of the Atkins bars would be a good idea for you?
so i'm a xc and track runner, and i want to lose a little bit of weight. i run 5-8 miles a day and i don't want to not eat enough. about how many calories a day is enough for someone who exercises this much? and how much should i get if i want to lose a few pounds?
Hey I asked my mom this, she trained to be a nutritionist, she said that a minimum should be about 1500 a day as you are burning quite a bit. The best way to find out because it differs with size, weight etc is to ask a health care professional.
Hope this helped.
What is the quickest way to get rid of Stretch marks? i used to be overweight and i lost it all and now its all muscle. thanks.
Well what I used while I was pregnant and after to get rid of my stretch marks was vitamin e cream it's what my doctor recommended and I find it works pretty well.
Hope this helps
When I wore my bathingsuit today, I notice you could see some of my pubic hair when my bathingsuit was a little out of place. I have been thinking of shaving it, just like a little, where I need to, but I am scared due do bumps, and a rash or something. Can a razor shave off a long piece of hair? Should I even shave there?
If you are going to shave there then make sure you use shaving cream this cuts down on the bumps and irritation especially if you use one with aloe in it. Also in order to make sure you shave where you need to I would suggest you wear either your underwear or you bathing suit. I also have found that the cheap disposable razors aren't good for shaving you bikini area I have found that the intuition or the venus. I really do recommend that you try using the veet or nair stuff it gives you the same look and feel of a wax without the pain and it tends to last longer then a shave. Again if you use that wear your underwear or bathing suit to avoid getting it in an uncomfortable place, both veet and nair have specific products for the bikini area.
Hope this helps - Good luck!
Will pure bleach used on clothes damage hair if I was to bleach my whole head?
Yes it would damage your hair big time. It may even cause you to lose some hair. Most drugstores that sell hair couloring kits also sell one for bleaching your hair its made with peroxide.
Hope this helps
when you lose 5-6 pounds you dont really notice it do you?
*i weighed myself today cuz im dieting and trying to lose weight but i noticed i was 5-6 pounds lighter but i dont look it at least i think* so do you think you should see a difference?
It depends on how much you weighed before the more you way the less it will show. Also you look at yourself every day so it's alot harder for you to notice then it would be for someone who hasn't seen you for a week or so. The way most people know they are really losing weight is when their clothes are bigger or better fitting.
I'm 14.
To make a really long story shorter, my bff...Jane. Has an abusive boyfriend, also, she's only 13, which makes it even more weird. She's going out with a 15 year old.
And she says I'm the only one she told.
She says he doesn't like beat her up, he just hits her a lot..
I never noticed, but recently she's been wearing long sleeves. Because she's actually BRUISED.
But, Jane says she really has it under control, and doesn't want to break up with him because she apparently realllly likes him. And she says he likes her, but..
I said if I were her I would break up with him.
Then she said something like that I didn't know what love was, so I couldn't say that.
I've never really been in this kind of situation before.
Do I tell an adult?
If you were me..what would you...do?
ugh, I'm kind of confused.
And I want to help my friend.
I just want to tell you how brave you are and what an amazing friend you are being to her. Even if she gets angry that you tell an adult eventually she will realize that you only did it to protect her. Many people in your shoes would just assume that it wasn't their business, your actions are probably saving her alot of emotional and physical pain and may even be saving her life. Being a friend does not mean always agreeing with a person it also means to look out for them because you care.
For this question I would like somebody who can relate to me. Or somebody who has been in my shoes.
I am having trouble at my public school, I have no friends, my grades are slipping, and I just feel so depressed when I go there. I love sports, especially lacrosse, and I was so afraid to go to practice because these girls who say the harsh things were on my team. I got the opportunity to attending a boarding school about two hours from my house. When I got accepted I was so excited, but then I thought about all the things I was leaving behind, my puppy, my horse, my family. All those things are the most important in my life right now. I could still come home on the weekend sure, but it's going to be alot different. Like I'm not sure if I can bare leaving my puppy and coming back the next weekend and him not even remembering me. I just don't know if I should face public school. Or go to boarding school. Please help! Thanks for whoever does!
You have a really tough decsion to make (obviously lol), having been miserable in public school the entire time I was growing up and being tormented and bullied I know how you feel. I always dreamed of being able to go to a different school. I hope you realize that the reason these girls pick on you is because they probably are so insecure that the only way they can feel better is by belittling you. If you decide to stay at public school what finally worked for me in school was to literally say to them "Are you so insecure with yourself that you need to put other people down so you can feel bigger and better? Wow what a sorry human being you are." If you say it in front of other people usually the bully gets really embarassed.
I think you should make a pro and con list and then see which one is better. A few pros/cons that I can see would be what if you go to boarding school and you hate it just as much? At the same time the education you would recieve at the boarding school would probably be much better and you would probably have an easier time getting into a college.
Any way you decide there will be sacrifices to make either leaving home or putting up with the "witches of eastwick" at school. Your dog will not forget you though, due to circumstances my dog lives with my mom for now and even if I don't see him for weeks he always knows who I am.
My last point is that if you decide to go to boarding school and you absolutely hate it then you can always talk to your parents, explain your desire and transfer back to public school.
i bought a game from Yahoo! Games called Mystery Case Files- Prime Suspects, anyways, i just bought a new computer and i want to transfer the game to the new computer....can i do this? and how?
thanks a lot in advance :)
I own the same game and when I got my computer fixed my hard drive was wiped, so when you bought the game you recieved an email from yahoo games confirming your purchase it also had a link on it that allows you to re-download it if you get another computer or something else happens. You are allowed to do this 5 times.
If you no longer have the email since you bought the game on credit card (I am assuming?) you have proof of the transaction and you can contact yahoo support and they will send you the game again.
Alright, Im going to preface this by saying, Im not your average asshole guy who thinks the world loves him, so temper your responses as if youre talking to someone who is reasonable and who approaches things with a relatively open mind.
So, Im in this relationship. One in a long line of similar ones, I have a tendancy to get into the serious kind, and my girlfriends tend to stick around for the better side of a year. My current and I are just about at the 18 month mark.
We have hit this point where I am comfy. I like talking to her, and having her around, and doing the cute little couple things,but I also like my space, and try to communicate that to her in a non hostile or not "get off my back" toned way. I try to just let her know gently when I need to just chill out and not be sitting on the couch with her in my lap.
But she, on the other hand, just cant seem to get enough. She wants me to hold her from the second I get home until the second I leave for work the next day, and generally suffocates me.
Now, Im pointing out what she does, but this behaviour has led to EVERY SINGLE BREAK UP Ive had in the last 8 years. 6 ltrs and a few month - 2 month beginnings. Girls hit this point where they want you around them 24/7, and excuse me if I like my partners to be _part_ of my life and not the entire focus of it.
So as I said, Im not an uncaring person. I cuddle after sex, I like laying together and watching a movie, I give her a massage nearly every night, but I dont want to be wrapped around ANYONE every second that Im not at work. I hate my job, and at times I enjoy going to get a respite from her. Its fucking ridiculous!
So, what the hell should I do? I mean, Im not going to say theres something wrong with me. Hell, I would say that Im more affectionate on a regular basis than the average guy I know, but I like a few hours a day to sit at the computer and play games, or to take a hot shower _alone_ or maybe, just maybe, fall asleep in a position thats comfortable to me, not that makes her feel like my teddy bear.
I cant figure it out. Are all girls like this? Or do I just have some wierd attraction to girls who do this and havent figured it out? I dont know. But its the reason I keep having to end relationships, and I like this girl, I dont want to break up with her because shes suffocating me.
Angry women responding saying Im a pig, or that I dont deserve her, or anything else of an un-thought out and abrasive nature will get a one and an angry riposte.
Hey there,
Alot of girls are like that and while I am not and like you I need me time. My husband was like this in the beginning as well and I was ready to run for the hills until we devised a plan that works for us still to this day; basically you pick 2-3 days a week, we use 2, and those are days that we make plans to not be together. We meet up with friends seperately or other activities and now that we are married and live together we still have 2 days a week where we take space even if we are both home we still do seperate things I may read while he plays on the computer or we may even watch tv together but in seperate chairs depending on what we feel like. For us this saves our relationship I would kill him if I had to spend every spare moment with him as he would probably kill me.
If despite talking to her she is still missing the point then she probably isn't the one for you and I don't think that you have some weird attraction but if you do break up and date someone new set it up in the beginning that minimum 2 days a week you are not together.
Hope this helped.
Hi everyone, I'd like to hear your perspective(this question is especially for girls but guys are welcome to answer too). My problem is that I feel disgustingly and frighteningly ugly. My own reflection upsets me when I look in the mirror, and I find the idea of sex really scary. I've tried it a couple of times, but the guys I've been with have been really greedy and impatient and made me feel even uglier. They kept on going on about how pretty other girls were, and I think they just wanted me because I'm so insecure. Has anyone else been through this , and come out all right the other end(e.g. in a happy relationship, or just happier with themselves). Some days I don't even want to leave the house, I feel I look so bad.
Thanks in advance(22/f BTW).
Hey, First off I am 31 so well past the teenage mark...lol
Well I think all women feel this at different points in their lives. However I think that you are feeling something alot more severe then average. From a clinical standpoint it almost sounds like you may be suffering from dysmorphia (sp?) I have worked with clients who suffer from this and I think that maybe you should talk to your doctor about it as this is a real disease, look it up on the net and see if what your feeling looks similar, you will come out the other side of this and when you feel at your worst keep in mind that beauty is in the eye of the beholder and what you consider unattractive others may see as stunning. Sex is directly linked in women with how we feel about ourselves, we cannot be turned on or excited about sex if we feel fat or ugly.
Please visit your doctor and talk with him/her about all this and if it is dysmorphia there is help.
I hope this helps you and if you have more questions please ask.
I'm planning to get my first tattoo. I'm searching for the perfect design. I want to get a wolf and a dreamcatcher and my name on my shoulderblade. I just submitted my description on a website to have it custom designed by a tattoo artist. I'd like to know what to expect when I actually have it done. So if anyone that already has a tat could please share their experience. Is it really painful? Do you have any regrets?
Hey I have 2 tattoos and no regrets. As for pain well it depends where you get it, your shoulder blade may be painful due to there not being much fat there but when I got one of mine on my toe it was like small little bee stings, and honestly it doesn't take that long usually.
Do NOT date anything or drink prior to getting it as that could thin your blood and most tattoo artists won't do it if you have taken or drank anything.
Good Luck
This question is directed toward all you christian colunists. I'm planning to get a tattoo soon and I'd like to get the opinion of other christians. So if you are a christian, I'd like to know how you feel about tattoos.
I am a christian who was raised by not one but two parents who are ministers. I have two tattoos and I feel that I have not broken any of God's laws or sins. My parents didn't have any issue with them simply because I chose something that was tasteless.
Also something to think about is where you get the tattoo, I purposly got them in places that are easy to hide due to my career (I am a youth worker) and not wanting to influence my clients. Also there is a new study out for women who get tattoos on their lower back and how it is harder for them and more dangerous to get an epidural when having a baby.
Just something to think on, hope this helps
Hi, I'm a 23 year old girl who's never been to college(I did the whole get out on my own and job hop sort of thing).Now I'm thinking, well, I'm not going to be able to really do anything I want to do without going. I've thought about it and I think I really want to go now. I'm unemployed and live with my fiance who works, making pretty good money. What I want to know is, is it still possible for me to recieve any kind of financial aid? What I'm thinking is I'll do my core classes at the university center, then transfer to the main university. Oh, and I've recieved 2 scholarships (not for the university, for a tech school and a nursing program) in the past which I ultimately did not use. Will that count against me? How hard would it be for me to go back, knowing all the kids I went to school with have mostly already graduated, and I'll be in class with kids 4 ot 5 years younger than me??? Thanks in advance.
Hey there, I went back to school when I was 23 and I have never regretted it. Being in classes with younger people is actually really fun and enlightening. I also found that the teachers tended to treat me with a litte more respect and that the students looked to me as a mentor, I also made friends with tons of people who I still keep in contact with 8 years later.
As for the previous scholarships that you turned down they will not count against you, you turned them down and they probably used the money for another student. The only thing that could count against you is if you borrowed money and never paid it back. Also many universities hire older students to work part-time around the campus as well so look into that.
Make sure you talk to your fiance and that he is cool with all of this because it will effect you as a couple. I would reccomend looking into applying as a mature student as it is easier to get into the program you wish and they have specific scholarships for them, usually a mature student is someone 23 or older or someone who has been out of school for 5 years.
Hope this helps Good luck
My boyfriend and i recently got into a huge fight (again). It started because he was joking about buying cars, then said he would by me a hummer. He completely ignored the fact that my cousin was killed by one only 2 years ago. He claimed that he didnt know about it, but we've been together for almost 14months now, its almost impossible that i never told him. anyway, from there he got really pissed off at me and everything hes been mad at me for started coming out. He told me that he hates that im working full time, going to summer school, and preparing for my moms wedding that is in 8 days. His biggest complaint about them was that i have no time for him. He also told me that he doesnt want me hanging out with people from work. (we worked till 3 am one night then went out to denny's for food) He kept saying things like "i do so much for you, i always make time for you, i try to please you so much and i get nothing back" which is a total exaggeration. At that point i asked him, do you want me to quit my job? drop out of summer school? im not asking you to please me, i just hoped you'd love me. Then he said the big line, "I dont know how to love you"
What do i say to that? how am i suppose to react to him now?
we havnt talked for a week. he keeps going on about how much of a wreck he is, but ive been crying every night. I realize that we are both at fault for this, but i dont know how im supposed to feel about hearing that after he told me he loves me so many times before..
First of all quiting your job and summer school is not the answer. Without working how would you have any money? Without summerschool you would be behind in the fall. Your moms wedding will be over soon and he should realize that this is a HUGE deal. Its not like your mom gets married once a month or even once a year. It sounds to me that he is being immature right now, and chosing not to understand that you need to work, go to school and help with your mom's wedding. I think he probably said that he didn't know how to love you just to hurt you probably also because he felt guilty about bringing up the death of your cousin.
Once the wedding is over is it possible that you set aside one day or evening specifically for him and that you hold that time as sacred? As for not hanging with your friends from work that is a bit unreasonable because you spend 40 hours a week with them friendships and bonds are going to form. Why doesn't he get a job? That he will understand your life a bit better and make new friends so he is not so dependant on you.
I hope this helps, good luck with everything.
16/6
I have a bump 'down there' but Ive already eliminated possibilities. Its not an STD like genital herpes - Im a virgin. Its not razor burn because I dont shave. It hurts when I touch it and I just noticed it maybe 3 days ago. Its the size of a pimple. Is it possible it could be a pimple? Im worried..What could it be?
Hey it sounds like a pimple if it was a boil it would be a fair size bigger. If it is a pimple it will go away soon, if it hurts quite a bit get a warm - not hot - washcloth and hold it against it that should help with any discomfort.
Hope this helps!
Hi im 15 and going into grade 10 this year and i have a cousin who is mentaly and partialy phycialy handicaped and is going in to high school this year. Im really worried for him because people in high school can be so mean and im afraid he wont be able to deal with it. He has older siblings in high school but they dont seem to be worried. Am i just over reacting?? Also out of the whole family hes really attached to me and dont get me wrong i love him n all its just i dont know if i can handle the fact of him hanging out with me all the time, I know im really selfish and need to get a grip but this fear is ruining my whole summer and i can't stop thinking about it, plz help me if you can! Thank you so much for listenig.
ok as for the first issue yes highschool kids can be mean but in my experience most highschool kids are extremely tolerant of someone with physical and mental impairments (I was surprised at first too cause I thought the same as you). I think that he needs to have as much normalization as possible and if it doesn't work then at least he tried.
As for your concern about him hanging out and clinging to you I think that he will probably make friends if not and you are feeling really overwhelmed then you need to be honest with him and tell him that although you love him and like hanging with him at school sometimes you need time for your other friends. If you tell him in a way where you are assuring him that you love him and like spending time with him he will get the message and not be hurt. You are not being selfish at all, highschool is hard for a "normal" teen let alone when your cousin will soon be invading your life! Take it one day at a time and if you start to get really stressed talk to someone about it.
As for stressing about it now and letting it ruin your summer look at it this way: Can you change having your cousin come to your school? Does worrying about the future make it better? No so try to push to the back of your mind for now and wait and see what happens.
Let me know if this helps or if you need to talk again.
My husband migrated to Toronto Canada 6 years ago. He abandoned me and found a new love. I found out that he already has a daughter with the girl who is living in Manila Philippines, where I am. He cancelled my immigrant sponsorship 2 years ago, took my money, and sponsored the girl as a common law wife to migrate to Canada to stay with him. How can I ask him to divorce/annul our marriage if he is avoiding me?
I am not sure if the law is the same there as where I am, but since he left you 6 years ago he has abandoned you and you should be granted a divorce without his input. I would ask a lawyer in your town/city if you can't afford one I would search online for the Philippines divorce laws and what you would need to do.
Hope this helps
I've been at my job for several months now, and I just got switched to a new position within the job. I'm 21 and female, if that helps.
My problem is that I can't get along with the person who is training me (I'll call her Kim). Kim likes to micromanage, be in control of everything I do, and waste my time.
For example, I asked her how to edit the books and she said for me to do it myself. So I told her exactly what I was going to do and she said to go ahead and do it. So I finished up, put the book away, and started working on something else. She stopped me, told me I had done it wrong, and had me do it all over again.
I've caught her in mistakes and she'll never admit she's wrong. She always find a way to turn it back on me. We have keys organized by letters and numbers, and I asked her where the SVC keys were. So she told me wrong and I let her know. She said I asked her where the LFE keys were and that I was wrong and shouldn't "make mistakes when I'm asking questions".
It's not any one big thing. It's just a bunch of little things that go on all day. I'm pregnant and hormonal, and I end up crying in the bathroom several times a day because sometimes she is just flat out mean to me.
How do I deal with this problem? I really need it to stop. I'm afraid to tell the supervisors because Kim is the only black person in the office, and I'm afraid they'll oversimplify the problem as racism and miss the point completely (they do that a lot). Please help before I quit or go insame. Thanks.
Wow been there and man does it suck, I can't give you any magic solutions but I can tell you what worked for me, number one when she gives you instructions on how to do stuff write down in front of her what she is telling you, if you are telling her how you plan to do something then put it in an email or on paper and have her initial it. If she questions why you are doing this tell her that writing things out helps you keep track of all the different facets of your job especially since you are pregnant and everyone knows that at times pregnant women can be forgetful (I am not saying you are just to use it as an excuse) Also try to ask her yes and no questions this limits her excuses for giving you the wrong information.
As for her micromanaging when the time is right point out to her that by doing your job she has less time for her own job and that her having more free time would allow for her to have less stress and maybe take longer lunches or breaks.
I hope this helps a little bit, but at the end of the day you may need to go to your supervisor in order to present facts to him/her if it comes down to it make sure you are cya (covering your ass) by keeping a record of all the things she is doing so that you can present a clear and consise problem and that there will be little room for them to leap to the conclusion that it is a black white issue.
Can I get pregnant 1 week before my period? If so, does that mean I will have a misscarrage?
As a previous person said the chances are less then likely you will get pregnant but you never know. As for getting or not getting your period every women is different and many women actually have their period throughout their pregnancy. As for a miscarriage it is unlikely unless you have a history of them or your family has a history but their is always a chance.
Good Luck and All the best. If you are trying to concieve then this website is awesome their tips worked for both myself and my sister:
www.tryingtoconcieve.com
it gives you tips on how to get and stay pregnant.