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Why the hell are girls so clingy/needy?
Alright, Im going to preface this by saying, Im not your average asshole guy who thinks the world loves him, so temper your responses as if youre talking to someone who is reasonable and who approaches things with a relatively open mind.
So, Im in this relationship. One in a long line of similar ones, I have a tendancy to get into the serious kind, and my girlfriends tend to stick around for the better side of a year. My current and I are just about at the 18 month mark.
We have hit this point where I am comfy. I like talking to her, and having her around, and doing the cute little couple things,but I also like my space, and try to communicate that to her in a non hostile or not "get off my back" toned way. I try to just let her know gently when I need to just chill out and not be sitting on the couch with her in my lap.
But she, on the other hand, just cant seem to get enough. She wants me to hold her from the second I get home until the second I leave for work the next day, and generally suffocates me.
Now, Im pointing out what she does, but this behaviour has led to EVERY SINGLE BREAK UP Ive had in the last 8 years. 6 ltrs and a few month - 2 month beginnings. Girls hit this point where they want you around them 24/7, and excuse me if I like my partners to be _part_ of my life and not the entire focus of it.
So as I said, Im not an uncaring person. I cuddle after sex, I like laying together and watching a movie, I give her a massage nearly every night, but I dont want to be wrapped around ANYONE every second that Im not at work. I hate my job, and at times I enjoy going to get a respite from her. Its fucking ridiculous!
So, what the hell should I do? I mean, Im not going to say theres something wrong with me. Hell, I would say that Im more affectionate on a regular basis than the average guy I know, but I like a few hours a day to sit at the computer and play games, or to take a hot shower _alone_ or maybe, just maybe, fall asleep in a position thats comfortable to me, not that makes her feel like my teddy bear.
I cant figure it out. Are all girls like this? Or do I just have some wierd attraction to girls who do this and havent figured it out? I dont know. But its the reason I keep having to end relationships, and I like this girl, I dont want to break up with her because shes suffocating me.
Angry women responding saying Im a pig, or that I dont deserve her, or anything else of an un-thought out and abrasive nature will get a one and an angry riposte.
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DUDE i see other girls like this every day. 1 in particular is just downright crazy. I mean literally he CAN NOT go ANYWHERE without her and if he does it has to be time controlled. The friends she HAD she gave up to be with him and now "his friends are her friends" and me looking at it from an outsider POV, it just makes her look crazy when she comes everywhere out with us thinking EVERY SINGLE OTHER GIRL is "checking him out"... Finally getting to a point where i dont even want to hang out with them becuase she is there 100% of the time no questions asked adding her opinion to EVERYTHING we say... I have seen alot of this (that being the worst it can get) and some not so bad but like you see some that dont live together just sit outside there house till they get home waiting endlessly to be with them and all they want is a little breathing room...
My girlfriend and I have a very trusting relationship, tons of alone/separate time if needed, when she wants to go out i'm happy because you need your friends and we all need to keep them. We do not live together and she spends the occasional night over. I also don't understand why some of them need to leech... We are not going anywhere and the closer you try to get the farther away we want to be from you... Insecurity is bad news and i cant seem to figure out how anyone can live with someone breathing down your back every single moment of every single day?
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Hey there,
Alot of girls are like that and while I am not and like you I need me time. My husband was like this in the beginning as well and I was ready to run for the hills until we devised a plan that works for us still to this day; basically you pick 2-3 days a week, we use 2, and those are days that we make plans to not be together. We meet up with friends seperately or other activities and now that we are married and live together we still have 2 days a week where we take space even if we are both home we still do seperate things I may read while he plays on the computer or we may even watch tv together but in seperate chairs depending on what we feel like. For us this saves our relationship I would kill him if I had to spend every spare moment with him as he would probably kill me.
If despite talking to her she is still missing the point then she probably isn't the one for you and I don't think that you have some weird attraction but if you do break up and date someone new set it up in the beginning that minimum 2 days a week you are not together.
Hope this helped.
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Me personaly being with my husband for 8 years from the start you have to give space in the begining,not just after a few months.let stuff be known in the begining.you say you have this tendency to get the clingy girls but did you think maybe your clingy at first to start it off?
I dont think your a pig maybe you start stuff in the begining that makes girls think hes a clingy guy and some girls like that
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Hi, I get what you are saying, you should try to get her involved with things that will take up some of her time (like volunteering at the animal shelter, dancing, or anything you know she likes to do) , in that way you can have “me time” without braking her hart. Does she have friends? If she has, you can maybe talk to them in private and explain the situation in the nicest way possible and ask them to help you out (like they should take her out, or invite her over…) Hope it helped.
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Okay, I can tell you from first hand experience what is going on here because for the first two years roughly, I was exactly the same with my boyfriend!! Things have evened out now and I'm mostly a lot better but occasionally, I still have my moments.
As far as I am concerned, it seems that this sort of behaviour is rooted in insecurity. When you first start going out with them, everything is nice and even though you might not realise it, you're probably more affectionate towards them to begin with. After a period of time, the affection peters out a little and although when you get past the insecurities you realise why, almost every girls immediate reaction is "He's going off me! What do I do?!!?!"
Basically, the girls automatic reaction at the slightest prospect of losing you is to cling tighter! Even if you explain this to her, she might still have some difficulty getting her emotions under control and the truth is, it can take a long time for the insecurities to fade away and as much as you might hate it, you do end up having to have the same conversations over and over again!!
The thing that made me realise that I had to control my paranoia was one particularly dramatic argument, instigated by me when my other half said he would have to take me home, rather than have me stay over because he was tired and needed to have a good night's sleep. I immediately took this to mean "I don't want you round me cos you'll get on my nerves and I'll never be able to relax. Get away from me now, demon child!" Of course, what he actually meant was "There are two of us trying to squeeze into a single bed and you fidget in your sleep and CONSTANTLY wake me up! Let me sleep tonight and I'll make it up to you." No, instead, I started crying and getting irrational, saying he wanted to break up with me. Eventually, he reasoned that he loved me very much but if he was to break up with me, it would be a direct result of my constant paranoia when there was a rational explanation for everything!!
After that, I made myself stop and think when he did something like this and think about his reasons for it and I became far more rational and considerate and things are far better now.
What I think you need to do, if you haven't already, is really put it into perspective with your girlfriend. Tell her that you DO care about her but she needs to be less clingy because it's making you less inclined to be with her. All she has to do is back off when you ask her to and let you have some space, because most men need space more than women do. If this doesn't work and time doesn't make it better, you may have to consider more drastic action and try again next time.
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well..since i'm a girl i would tell you that not all girls are like that. it's only some girls that are like that. but here's what you should say to her. just be like "why don't you have a night out with the girls and i'll have a night out with the boys?". but if that doesn't work just tell her straight but in a gentle and nice voice that you need your space and that you don't want to be attached to her. hope i helped. bye
.christina*
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Being a girl I can honestly say I do understand what your saying and thank you for pointing out that you are a great guy to her and do want to be with her and not just wording your question like my girl is buggin' how do I get her away from me? lol know what I mean? Encourage her to do more things with her girlfriends!! Also when yall are spending time together is it discussing bills? watching tv? (something that take your attention away from her? she may not count that as "alone time") Go for long Sunday drives or actually sit down at the table for dinner together maybe this will give her the quality time she wants and she can start going out with her friends once in a while and give you more "me" time. I had to laugh when you wrote "maybe, just maybe, fall asleep in a position thats comfortable to me" I am so bad for trying to do that to my husband but I guess it's give and take and you have to know when to pick your battles.. He has has hot showers (90% of the time alone) and game playing time on the computer. If she still wants to suffocate you then it's time to have a talk with her. I cannot stress enough how important it will be to tell her how much you love her and want to be with her!! butttttt that you have a stressfull job and your with her every other minute that your not working and you just need time to "un-wind" ALONE. "Never make someone your everything, because when they leave, you've got nothing" I like to keep that quote in mind not saying that I think my husband would ever leave me for being clingy but it helps remind me that I am not just a wife but I am Kristen. Kinda like what you said about making them a H U G E part of your life but NOT the entire focus of it. Try explaining that to her also. Hope I helped...
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You said that you kind of tried to gently hint to her that this wasn't working for you, and she's not really getting the hint. So I guess... you just need to go about it slowly. Try talking her again and saying everything straight out.. but don't start every sentence with "I need" "I want"... that might put her off from listening too closely. Say something like..' Lately, I've been feeling like you think I'm going to hurt you. I'm not going to leave you. I'm not going to do anything like that. We've come this far and I think it would be in both of our best interests to keep going... and to have our space while doing so. This change won't happen over night, of course, but being together does not mean that our lives have become one, it means that we are sharing them. Let's start planning some alone time so that we don't spoil this good thing that we have by beating the life out of it. You can't love others if you can't love yourself, and you can't love yourself if you don't even slightly know yourself. I can't know myself if I am never alone.'
That's a lot but just to give you some ideas I wrote a bunch of different things. After you talk to her, see if anything changes. If shes starts to grow resentful, keep reminding her it's not anything personal, you just need time to yourself and it's in no way saying you're trying to push her away. If she shows no sign of change after a couple or few weeks, keep persistently talking to her about it but with more urgency. If she can't listen to your wishes though, it's like anything else... you'll just have to break up with her. A partner's job is to listen to what the other needs and to respect it and to make sacrifices for them... and if she can't do that, then, you tried, and she just couldn't deliver.
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Be honest.
I understand your wanting of space and time to yourself, and to be quite honest I am the same way myself. But if she is going to be that clingy and not want to give you space, then you need to seriously sit her down and tell her.
It's not disrespectful or unaffectionate to want your space and be away from her just for a bit. It's normal and to have her expect you to be around her all the time and spend all your time with her, is quite demanding.
I would seriously sit her down and talk about this. Your past the 18 month mark, that is quite a long time. Surely your relationship has evolved to the point where you can talk about anything, including some of the more sensative issues like this. She might be upset, but your being honest with her. It's not wrong to want your space.
I've said simply what you should do. Make it clear you still want to be with her, but you do want your space and time and you aren't getting enough. Honestly is always the best policy to about telling people things.
I wish you luck and I hope I helped.
-Ryan
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She must like you a lot.. She seems to be afraid of losing you...
Show her you won't leave. Plan something big for the both of you..
Then after that.. You should talk to her girl-friends and have them make plans with her, so you'll have time alone.
You could just do what you want and tell her she can have some time to herself. Watch a movie, or maybe take a hot bubble bath.. or something you know she likes to do.
Just remind her that she means something to you... little notes placed in spots you know she goes to.
Make some plans with your friends and tell her it's.. like a guys night out, and that she should have a girls night out.
Don't try to stay late at work, it will make her worry and probably cling onto you more.
you can just try telling her you need some space/alone time?
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