about

Life is an adventure but Life doesn't come with user manuals for everything. School subjects do little to prepare us. Its no wonder we all need helpful advice sometimes. Blessings to you!

advice

I am desperate for validation and for someone to tell me that I'm not crazy.

I've been in a relationship with someone for about a year and half. I started to realize that that there were major issues last June, when my grandmother passed away. Those first two weeks after her passing, I couldn't even eat. I couldn't get out of bed. I physically was unable to move. I would sleep, wake up, and cry. I had such a severe migraine that I lost vision from one eye for a few days. The grief was just so intense, I couldn't bear it. It was during this time that the person I had known for the past 9 months turned into someone I no longer knew. He was angry at me for every little thing. He was snapping at me constantly. His response to my crying was: "she was old, what did you expect?" He brought flowers in an attempt to "make things up" after this and got angry with me because I didn't cut the stems right away and put them in a vase.

While I was living in his apartment (which was fully paid off), he was charging me money. At the time, I was stuck between a rock and hard place because of the pandemic. His parents are the owners of the apartment, so his rent was very, very low. But, then contradicted the story by saying that he was the person who decided on the amount. I explained that I did feel that I was being taken advantage of because I didn't think the bills could be totaling so much and there simply wasn't transparency in what I was paying. He was profiting off of me living with him. It wasn't as though we were just dividing up expenses. When he was confronted, all he keeps saying is: "why do you care so much?" in an angry tone. At this point, I honestly don't care that he was making a profit. I am just tired of the circular arguments.

I had brought it up a few times in conversation. It wasn't as though I sat him down and told him that we needed to talk about it. It just came up in conversation. So, he said that he wanted to send me back some of the money. The very next day, he asked for the money back. He said he had given me too much. I told him I didn't want his money and sent it ALL back, although he said I could keep a few hundred. He said it was MY fault that he made the impulsive decision to send me money because I made him feel guilty.

He started to accuse me of not initiating doing enough things around his house when I was living there. I remember him telling me at the beginning of the relationship that his ex-wife didn't decorate the house enough. I did two VERY small things in the house and he and his parents gave me SUCH a hard time. He was very bossy when it came to the way we cleaned and I just felt like he was inspecting every nook and cranny to see if I cleaned it perfectly. I felt so suffocated there. I didn't want to live there. Alongside, he was constantly receiving mail from his ex father in law. It just became annoying. The mail started arriving directed in my name as well. Another red flag is that he told him that his ex father in law accused him of "doing things" to his ex. I don't know what "doing things" means and this conversation happened too long ago to bring up now.

I reasoned that he might be very protective of that space. I grew up in my grandparents house and if I happened to move there with a partner, I think I might be too protective of it too. I feel too connected to that home. Especially after losing my grandma, I think I would be extremely protective. He also lived there with loved ones that he has lost. So, I can understand being protective.

But, then we moved into a place that I bought. It had no history for me. It was a brand new place for both of us. It is under my name. I had it nicely furnished and everything. He has been nothing but controlling with the decor from the moment he moved in. I have to run every single thing by him. This is a small apartment and he wants to furnish it with bulky dark furniture. It takes him nearly seven convincing arguments to get him to comply with things that I'm asking. It has taken a toll on me because I constantly have to present everything to him like a lawyer before a judge. Except this is not my job. This is my life. It wasn't that he was protective of his space. It's that this is who he is. He likes to control everything.

We began to discuss having kids prior to him proposing. After he proposed, he retaliated his proposal the very next day, saying that he was having second thoughts. He apologized a day or two later and I was just so desperate for things to go back to the way they were. But, I promise you that I was out the door at this time. I had already packed all of my things. I was out the door. But, the need for validation and being soothed from the chaos was so intense, that I came back... licking breadcrumbs off the floor. Getting married actually became an elephant in the room after we had an encounter with some movers and family members of mine that ended up with police presence (this is a VERY long story). But, this was the part where I was discarded. I was kicked out of his place. I was treated like garbage. I never felt so alone in my life. My family abandoned me. My grandma wasn't here. He was ALL I had. I was desperate once again for things to go back to the way they were. He didn't discuss getting married again. In fact, he shamed me for simply wanting to have an engagement party and a bachelorette party with my friends.

It wasn't until the possibility of purchasing a townhouse together came into play that he said he wanted to follow though in marrying me. That night, we were both driving home and on the phone we were talking about kids. He said he wanted 4 kids. I'm 30 years old. I told him if he wants so many kids then he needs to find a girl much younger than me. I said that right now, with our financial status, our age, etc., I thought two was reasonable. He proceeded to tell me that he wanted to have several kids in case something happened to one of them. That day he said he wanted to follow through with marrying me in a courthouse and he didn't even want to wait until that day to start having kids. I am a religious person, so the suggestion to get married in the courthouse was a slap in the face. I told him that I would at least want to have a small dinner party with my closest friends and his response was: "how much is this going to cost us?"

There is a lot more that I can say. I can definitely produce a list of really concerning things. But, these happened most recently and I feel so upset. I feel like there's a pain in my chest. I can't just leave the property because this is my house. But, at the same time I am too depleted to confront him. I just feel like my self-esteem has been depleted. Lately, all he does is pick at things that happened in the past (things that happened almost 2 years ago). It's like constantly. I got so angry the other day because we were talking about what had happened with those movers. And he said "remember when I thought they had stolen my documents?" and I said "of course I remember because I was trying to order them for you" (the documents). He then said "don't act like you were just getting those documents because you wanted to. It was because we had a conversation about how you weren't doing enough." I left the house. I was furious. A shelf fell and I kicked it across the room. I had never felt so angry at him in my life. I could feel the blood pressure rushing to my head. He said that he still has no idea what made me so angry. Well, it's like at this point, I'm being accused of something I can't prove. I ordered those documents because I wanted to. I used my own money to order them. I got them right away as soon as I knew that the documents were potentially lost. But, he's accusing me of things that can't be proven.

The other day, during being out at dinner, I felt really anxious because I knew he was angry with me. I couldn't even eat. I knew that when the people we were out with left, he was going to tell me off. When I got home, I had to run to the bathroom because my stomach was in shambles. He stood outside the bathroom door arguing with me anyway. My heart rate at the restaurant was like at 135 beats per minute. When we made up and it was all over, my heart rate went down to 66 beats per minute. I think that is SO telling of the chemical reaction that happens in the body when people are dealing with highs and lows. I just pray that someone could tell me I'm not crazy and offer me advice in overcoming this physical reaction. It is very much like a physical addiction.

I need to leave. I realize that this is an abusive dynamic. I have spoken to people who have left these abusive relationships and they believe that "ghosting" is the best way. Abusers don't deserve an explanation. But, the issue is that we are living in my home. I can't just walk away. I can't just leave and ghost. I feel like I have to confront him and give an explanation since we are living in my house. I also feel bad. It's almost like there is a physical addiction. I'm desperate for him to treat me well so my body goes back to homeostasis. Otherwise, my heart rate is high and I feel sick. I wish I could turn off these physical responses just to give me enough time to make my escape.

Blessings to you.

Geez, I almost could have written what you wrote. I've lived it, left him and found true love. Yes, you are in an abusive relationship. Verbal abuse which I suffered too is worse than physical in that others can't see evidence of how you've been hurt and mistreated. When you said this, "It has taken a toll on me because I constantly have to present everything to him like a lawyer before a judge," I used to do that, I remembered. In fact it was such a habit now to explain myself in every little thing, like why I decided to watch a certain TV program or buy something, even though I wasn't asked. This is one of the things a person will do to adapt to their bad situation. Another thing I wasn't conscious I had picked up during the marriage is tuning out whenever he talked to me or yelled at me and I might be right before him looking at his eyes as if listening but I was miles away in my mind and couldn't even tell you what he'd said. that habit was still there after leaving him cus I told any serious dates about my past and how I'd been abused. One day was explaining myself and the guy stopped me and said, "You don't have to do that with me, I'm not your ex." Thats when I first realized what a bad impact my ex had had on me. Then a retired counselor friend told me about my tuning out, saw me tune out of conversations with him and his wife and they worked with me to stop doing this as it was no longer needed.
About the chemical reaction as you called it, yes that is a real thing. What happens when you are being abused is that you are having to deal with a lot more stress than most people. Because you live under the same roof with the abuser there is no time for your body to have relaxing down time. The stress has to go somewhere, so it goes either to your physical body with diseases or to your mind and attacks your emotions and can eventually lead to suicide. In me, the stress went to the body, suffering from stomach ulcers, total body rash, daily headaches and a few migraines during the year. I too had an elevated heart rate from the stress. I wanted to be loved and appreciated, validated as you said. I had successfully left the ex but the real question is, "Did I really learn how to do that and leave or was it a fluke. And if I was to date again, would I be able to spot the warning signs in each guy I met? So, I was tested. First guy I rented an apt with together, both on lease, in two months time turned into the same monster I left. This time I stood up to him, told him I would not put up with this and that if he didn't change, then I would leave. He got so angry, he left and never came back, leaving me in the lurch with an apt. I couldn't cover on my own and had not found a replacement roommate. Whats worse is that this guy knew my ex, and I knew him to obviously be as bad as my husband at that time. So why would I fall in with him, get a place together when I already knew his character? Like you I wanted that validation so badly. From my experiences, I have learned to forget looking for validation outside of myself. Only I can truly validate myself. Think about that from the perspective of a gal with an eating disorder. The outside validation is her friends telling her she looks fine, cute in fact. But it is obvious that has no effect on the gal when she keeps hating her body. So she is validating herself in a negative way, 'I'm still too fat, I'm ugly, no guy will ever want to date me looking like this. So, from just that one perspective of validation, I know you must stop waiting for some guy to validate you to make you feel important and liked. To validate yourself in a positive way, you need to work on your self love, and self confidence. If you feel you do not need the self confidence, then self love should still be the focus. During prayer I heard the question, what percentage do your love yourself? My immediate answer was '100%' but next heard in my head, No you don't because you are allowing yourself to be subjected to the abuseers abuse. But that is the only area where you do not love yourself. I realized then that even if I loved myself 97 %, there was still a chance I might make decisions that were very bad or unfriendly ones for myself. You have to love yourself before you can truly love others. Just be yourself because that will be good enough for the right men out there. Yes, ghosting and not telling the abuser of your plans because once he knows, he will do anything to keep you from escaping. So if you do need a room mate to pay for your place, perhaps you can advertise for a roommate. Otherwise, invite a friend to be at your place while you tell your bf that you're splitting up. That way he's not as likely to fight and abuse you in any way. You must let him know that he needs to move out. You no longer want him there and the relationship is over. He'll want to know why but do not explain. There is no such thing as reasoning with such people. Give him a certain amount of time, okay with you to get all his belongings and himself out of the place. If you feel safe enough, stay there or stay with relatives or friends until he is moved out. If he's not on the lease, he has no saying in whether
he's staying.
However if a house, it's your property and you can actually call police to come remove him. Once he's gone, get keys to your place, changed. If you can have a dog, get one for protection after he's gone. If you get threats or feel threatened in any way from him, you can report it to the police and ask to have a restraining order put on him.

[view]

Hello, I am a 25 year old female. I’m not sure if I’ve ever orgasmed. When I explore myself, my interpretation of an orgasm is a feeling that builds up, releases and I’m done, and I achieve this by only rubbing my clitoris for a few minutes using the heel of my hand through pants, underwear etc. my vagina doesn’t get wet, and doesn’t need to be while doing this. But when I have sex, I feel like my vagina takes a long time to get wet even if my head is ready, and with a lot of clitoris stimulation from my partner I feel all of these things and my body starts moving away like it can’t handle it... almost like it’s over stimulated but it feels good but kind of hurts? Sometimes I can feel the pressure building up inside me but I can’t actually cross the bridge to orgasm. Does anyone experience this and have any advice? I want to orgasm for myself and for him, he always asks “did you cum?”, and I always say “I don’t know.” Are women supposed to squirt? I feel like I can’t squirt if I’m not really that wet down there. Please help


Sounds like you have had orgasms.I have found that orgasms can be different for me. I go in with no expectations and wait to see what my body will surprise me with. Sometimes its a quick rise to the peak and release and other times it's like hitting a plateau where the intensity is a degree or two less but this peak lasts and lasts like seveals orgasms strung together. Everyone differs so there may be types of orgasms others have had that I wont.

Whats needed here is a lube and understanding that things can differ from time to time. I am a female and I do squirt. Not all females cans due to how they developed in the womb. Some females have a tube that allows the cum to empty into the vagina and for those who lack it, the cum when released goes straight into the bladder. Scientists have found when studying the urine in females who don't squirt that ejaculate is mixed in with the pee . So dont think theres something wrong in case you can't.

Not all women get really wet. Besides, the liquid from cumming is runnier than lubricant liquid released and with me, it washes away any lube and we have to reapply.

The clit has more nerve endings than the tip of a mans penis.So it is extremely sensitive. So over stimulation can occur easily. Depends on how my day is going, any stress, tired, sometimes no reason can e seen, but what my partner is doing works spendid one day and next time it is overstimulation. This doesn't mean give up. So no matter what a partner does for you, there can be many times when a toy is too fast for clit or even the finger. Here is when you need to communicate. He isn't doing anything wrong, just how your body is or isn't responding. All it takes is changing the strength and rhythym of any touch to clit, when you get that overstimulated feeling and can't peak. I always communicate this and ask for something different in the touch, describing for him how the change is working. You can also try something like him using a toy on you for a while and lifting contact away from clit for a split second, enough time to release some of the pressure and keep doing what you were doing. Any longer than two beats or a half second and I begin to lose some of that tensed muscle thing and have to start all over and you dont want that but it will also happen. As long as he hears from you and that you are okay with it and you also aren't worried, then you will do fine and discover what works best for you.

It's hard to find info on female ejaculation (squirting) so I will quickly add something here. If you squirt, it can dribble out, or you really gush and leave wet spots on the bed which can be a couple inches in diameter or at times as much as a dinner plate sized wet spot. How does gushing feel like? I'm sure clitoral stimulation can produce an ejaculation in me, but not often. I learned I could squirt when I had a partner in my past who knew how to massage the females G spot. So due to how it specificall6 feels, its best to learn with Gspot stimulation whether you can or can't. To feel your G-spot, you have to be able to know you've found it so you can describe it to your partner. So reaching in with your finger, you go just past the pubic bone and feel on the upper wall, your stomach side, of the vaginal wall for a wrinkly patch. It is wrinkled until you are aroused, when it fills with blood, just as the penis becomes engorged. ell, the female will suddenly feel an urge to pee will stimulated there. This is because the gspot is right in front of the urethra to your bladder. The fear of peeing during sex will have women squashing that pee like urge or they pull away and run for the restroom. So go pee before sex as you'll know its really empty. Also if in bed, use a towel folded to have two layers and whoever is on bottom gets this under them. Next time the urge to pee shows up while g spot is worked on, don't hold back. The release is the same feeling as letting control go to start peeing only this time the orgasms takes o ver and the pee urge stops. If theres anything else you need to know, just look up me, dragonfly magic and write to me from my column.

[view]

I’m 22 years old and live with my parents (for now). My father constantly torments me. He’ll say I’m worthless, good for nothing and a parasite. He’ll comments things like “you’re not normal” if I make a tiny mistake like drop something or bump into something, making me feel even worse about it. He dehumanizes me often times referring me as an “it”.

My mom often times takes his side, stating he just “cares about me” and “wants me to do something good with my life.”. I don’t know how to feel. I don’t want this man to keep affecting me emotionally anymore, and no matter how hard I try to ignore him, he’ll still make comments.

I also don’t want to feel like his words are true, but it’s hard. I don’t know what to do..

Lets call this what it is, Verbal abuse. Verbal abuse is worse than physical abuse since there are no wounds or bruises on the outside to see, they're on the inside. Since you are not a minor, agencies for protecting. About verbal abuse, I've lived it, 29 1/2 yrs until I finally left my verbally abusing ex. I can say that there is nothing you can do that would EVER deserve this kind of treatment. Even if you make a silly mistake. If another person is angered by such things, its a matter of the angered person not owning their own internal turmoil. They never believe that they are the one with a problem. Same as my ex, even going to our pastor and asking him to encourage me to do counseling with him cus he felt I was the one with all the problems yet that same Pastor tested me in a situation once and secretly watched me to see what I would do and afterwards had compliments for how I handled the falsely perceived conflict on the part of the woman who was church secretary. He knew I didn't have the issues and it was my husband. So you must believe me that you are not at fault. Your Mom married an abusive man. If he wasn't like this from the start, he became so after something that happened in his life that he considered a crisis, imbittering him from then on. So your Mom is a willing victim. She did not divorce him as I finally did mine. She is not the person she once was before marrying him. To have peace, she had to pander to him, support all of his incorrect behavior and speech because if she did try, as I did, the husband becomes more out of control. You couldd say that attempting to point out or correct their behavior is like throwing fuel on a blazing fire, they only act more violent.

I am sure you are at home due to financial reasons. There aren't many options available other than finding a way to leave their house. So where would you live? Here is where you need to become creative, because even though you may not wish to go through with it, it is important to your well being to leave. Think if there is a relative who lives near enough, doesnt matter the relation, as long as they believe you and have an extra bedroom you can stay in at no or little cost. If there are no relatives that would work, then think of friends parents who know you well and perhaps have a kid or two at college. Perhaps you can persuede them to let you stay for a while. If you are going to a local college and work to pay your way, you might check with the office to see where you can find out about other students looking for roommates and if it can be worked out, get a couple of roommate wannabe's to work together with you finding a place you all can afford. If you dont mind ending up with someone you don't know, check with the pastor if you attend church and let him know life with parents is unbearable. Details not needed if he doesn't ask but simply mentioned Dad is verbally abusive and Mom backs him up. I caution against meeting men who want you to move in with them because the odds are you will end up with someone just as bad or worse.
I will now explain what happens to you internally when you are treated this way by Dad. I'm sure you'll agree it is stressful. The stress is something you live with 24/7. Since there is no break from it, you are constantly plagued with stress and stress needs to have somewhere to go. Stress will either attack your body mentally/emotionally or leave mind untouched by make your body weaken until it contracted stress induced illnesses. Many diseases can also have stress as an alternate cause like cancer or heart attacks. I didn't have my mind attacked because I was going to God in prayer and finding out whether I had really did something wrong. In all my time with the ex, I actually got closer to God. Not saying you have to, thats your choice, but its what happened to me. I ended up with daily headaches, a couple of migraines per year, total body stress rashes, and ulcers to name a few. These things don't hurt you over a month or two but after years non stop of abuse, it can lead to death, either from the mental sickness and depression now causing one to take their own life or from a disease where the body gives up fighting and you die. In a dream, I was told if I stayed with the ex, I would die in four years time. This was at the end. I left. I will pray for you and your family. Perhaps God will do a miracle for you, but keep in mind the free will given to all people, is something God wont take away if one person is using their free will to do evil. Then again as in my ex's case, there could be mental illness causing your Dad to act this way. You can't order him to get help. No one can change another person, only they can choose to seek help. My ex pretended to see a Dr. after a counselor friend had a talk with him urging him to start seeing a Dr. He went once, twice and then stopped because he only made the initial visits to get the friend and myself off his back and overheard him saying so to someone else. When a person is unwilling to see a need to heal and change for themselves, the only thing left is to remove yourself from his presence in your life.
I have tried to show you what is really going on here and the consequences to you if this situation isn't changed soon. But I don't have any easy answers for you. I can say that you will need to get some counseling for yourself to heal. When I left my ex, the retired counselor friend worked with me for free and gave me insight into what coping mechanisms I had come up with so I could dismantle them now that I was safe as they would cause me problems in moving on with my life. If I have understood this all wrong, please let me know what the circumstances truly are so I can better help. For example, if you are disabled in any way, there are agencies for protection of such individuals, and if you failed to tell me, I wouldn't see a valid opportunity to get you moved out with help from the right agencies. If you write me further on the subject, don't do it where you can rate my answer. Go to 'search advice columnist' and search for dragonflymagic and once on my colomn there is a button to use to write to me. Just remind me of your situation if you write, even just to let me know of your progress. I will be a friendly voice for you.

[view]

I'm an 18 year old guy and I'm from India. I have been talking to a girl since a month and a half. We like each other but we want to meet to make sure if we want to be totally serious and date. So should go for a kiss on our first date itself or not? If it's a yes, then how should I go for it? If it's a no, then how do I deal with it? I don't want to force her though. I need your advice on this one.

Knowing her for a month and a half on line or in letters, is not knowing a person enough. One can only know how they think, their type or humor and whatever they share of their past and things like favorite color, food, etc.

That is not enough for you to initiate a kiss. But I agree it is important to meet in person so both of you can assess whether you feel the needed chemistry to be more than just friends. You might feel a chemistry with her but her not feel one with you so your kissing her would in that case not be welcome. Allowing her to kiss you first is best. Not all females though are brave enough to make a move first. I did though. I did dating by on line dating sites to learn of a guy, after my divorce, then met them as soon as possible. I always chose to meet only those who seemed gentlemen, like yourself. And all of them never made a move towards me first. I had to make the first move. Now I was older and I don't know how well this girl of yours is able to pick up on things. If she has great intuition, she should be able to tell in your presence just by being around you that you are very interested in her. I knew which guys I met for the first time were impressed with me so I could kiss and wouldn't be rejected and if the guy wasn't all that into me after all.

The best thing if you like her after meeting is to plan to spend more time face to face, in person, doing things together, as friends would. If you can't build a friendship, it won't work as a long term relationship either. Two fold foundation of a healthy romantic relationship is still being each others best friend and also each others sexual equal. The latter is best described as having the same interests sexually, and same libido's, either both with low or both with high libidos. If one is different from the other, both will be frustrated and that could lead to future breakups or cheating with some one else to fulfill all ones needs.

So after a couple days spent hanging as great friends, you can ask the following to find out how she feels. "Since we are doing so well as friends, I am wondering how it would work if we were more than friends. What do you think?" This way you have let her know you are ready to move ahead but since you ask her opinion, she will let you know if she feels chemistry or not by saying yes, lets try that or if she doesnt feel chemistry, 'no, I don't feel that way about you.

[view]

Can my grandmother eventually be forced into a nursing home?

Grandma is 87 years old & can NOT take care of herself. My aunt and my cousins are taking advantage of her. They steal her money. My grandma constantly falls, can barely get up and can’t fix her own food. They say her balance is off. The doctors say she is not safe at home bc she’s falling.

My Aunt and cousins do not want her in a nursing home. They don’t care about her and they steal her money. One of them actually hit her before. My grandmother goes along with whatever they say and doesn’t believe she’s being abused.

My mom and other family members work so no one can watch her 24/7. My mom & others have offered my grandma to move in with them, but grandma refuses. She also refuses to get a home health aide.

My Aunt and cousins don’t want her to get help because that means they won’t have access to her money. My aunt lives with her and also does drugs.

I’m also worried about her going into a nursing because of COVID. People also get worse in nursing homes. They told us that my grandma needs 4 hours of physical therapy, but told us if she were to go into a nursing home, she’d get 30 minutes or none of exercise. My grandma doesn’t want to live with us or anybody else.

My mom & others don’t want to fight my aunt and her children because it will be too much financially and emotionally affecting everyone. My grandma goes along with whatever her abusers want. She barely eats. Her house is a mess. What else is there to do? Can she be forced into a nursing home?


I used to be a caregiver for disabled, & elderly. I did anything that didn't require a nurses degree. Thus it consisted of keeping updates on all their medications, calling for refills, taking them shopping, cleaning the house, making meals, being companionship, and calling 911 if need be. I learned there were state paid and self paid private care. More often, in private care is where there were live in caregivers. They get their room and board and get paid to e on call 24/7. Once I filled in for a caregiver by staying at night shift for a quadriplegic female who would call for me at night if too hot or cold to fix her covers or if thirsty. So I had to be a light enough sleeper to hear. So in case of that woman, no live in but 3 shifts covered by the home help care agency she was signed up with.
So help is out there. Since there is Covid still around, I also agree to avoid a nursing home. Your Mom has no choices except 24/7 home care which can be one person or shifts done by several, or she can go to a nursing home. So I'd agree its important for you to have control legally and beset to start with her Dr. asking for which organizations you could be recommended to call. One must is power of attorney, so you can make decisions for her. Have this done without mentioning to the others since they are the problem. Once you have sole legal control, start with the changes that need to be done. There are adult care homes but then she'd still be around a handful of people all the time and the care is split between all. As with all choices, there will be financial concerns of how it will be covered. Many loved ones go through with getting licensed to become a full time or part time caregiver and get paid for it by the home help agency they signed up with. So if the pay is good enough for you or another family member you trust and would compensate them for not having the job outside of the house anymore, then thats also a partial financial help.

[view]

Yes this is gross . I got a part of of a kernel popcorn stuck in my teeth. I was eating then I realized that the brown part of the corn kept getting tuck in my teeth so I stopped eating and brush my teeth.
I then flossed and saw all the food remains but I still felt discomfort in my mouth. I began flossing before and after brushing my teeth but no improvements. With my tongue I could feel something but when I looked I didn't see anything. At first I thought I had damaged my gum and it will heal . Then last night I began to investigate further and eventually I got the stuff out. Now I am very concern . I have a minute hole in my gum and I have been brushing and salt water rinses to avoid sugars etc from staying there. I'm not sure why else to do . I really don't want bad teeth .

In the world of dentistry, there are two concerns a dentist will have: 1. the state of your teeth and 2. the state of your gums.
Your problem you discussed was all about the gums.You will need to have a dentist see you and examine and take xrays . I don't know if there is a thing as flossing too much, just ask the Dr.

I used to wear contacts and if something like a bit of pollen you can't see, got stuck between the contact and the eye ball, it could, and did scratch my eye on several occasions. When I took the contact off and rinsed eye out with proper solution, it still felt like there was something in my eye and it hurt with every blink. Dr. says it was a minor scratch and will heal on its own. This story is a possible explanation as to why it is sore and you still feel that way. a dentist can help you with all of that, answer questions and let you know if there is anything they can do for your gums.

[view]

I am a 40 something year old female, recently divorced. I met a married man through work. I did not work with him but he worked for a vendor we bought supplies from. We became friends and he told me about his family and I knew he was married with children at home. I’m not sure how it happened but our friendship turned into a flirting relationship. He started texting only during the day and never on the weekends. We begin exchanging photos and even Sexting and before long hurting turn into a physical relationship. I never had any expectation of him to leave his wife and we really never discussed her. He is six years younger than me and I’m recently divorced so for me, this was just a good time. The affair lasted about nine months and I went on vacation from work. My very first day of vacation, he called me to tell me that he had been questioned at work about me because my employer had installed cameras in my office and we were caught on camera. He denied all of it and I told him not to worry about it that if that really happened and they really had us on video, I would protect him in anyway I could. I know What he is doing is wrong but I have never met a nicer person in my life and the last thing I want or would want is for him to they have any kind of fall out. He was extremely nervous and was afraid he would lose everything… His family, his job, and his home. When I got back from vacation, I was called into the office and was fired. I know this was the reason even though I was not questioned about this affair. I was just “let go.” A few days later, the owner of the company questioned me and I protected my affair partner. He tried to call me twice 8 days ago but I didn’t answer...I really didn’t know what to say. 6 days ago I emailed him but have not heard anything back from him. I know he still has his job so his employer believes him and I’m fine with that. I guess I just don’t know if I should text him or email him to ask how he’s doing because I genuinely want to know or if I should just cut my losses and try to get him out of my mind. It was supposed to be fun and games but I realized I developed real feelings for him and I’m a little hurt that he hasn’t called again to see if I was ok or to tell me thank you for doing what I could to protect him. I don’t know if he got my email and I avoided his call last week So I don’t know if that’s why I haven’t heard from him. He became a great friend to me and I am used to talking and texting him all day every day during the week. I missed that tremendously and really want to reach out to him but don’t want to look even more stupid. I’d really prefer advice from a married man who has cheated before or is cheating now or advice from someone who has or still is the other woman in a relationship. Please help me because I am at a loss of what to do. I know what we did was wrong and I’m sure most people would tell me that all of this is what I deserve. I don’t care about that. Regardless of being right or wrong he’s a real feelings I have for this man, real respect, and I really, really miss him. Please help!

I can't help you with discussing the morals of this situation. I am picking up in you a wish to not take anything like this seriously, because it was only something fun for you.
So I will assume you only want help with the feelings you have developed. People have a brain with ability to imagine things. Our minds also will fill in on the things we don't have, hear or see so it can feel more like a 'face to face all the way relationship. The only things I know I could truly fall for would be how a person thinks and their sense of humor. I used a dating site to find my 2nd husband, I know all about that.

What woman hasn't seen a photo or a movie or a passion scene with an actor she considers handsome and imagines briefly what it would feel like to have him paying her attention, kissing her, holding her and some will imagine more. Did I really kiss Brad Pitt? (or pick your choice actor) Whats to stop my mind from imagining the face of another guy when I am having sex with my partner/husband?
Often I hear from gals concerning an LDR, some guy they met on line and have been in a relationship with for some extended period of time, 1 to 5 years. I tell them the same I am going to tell you, while it may seem real to them, it is not in fact a full blown relationship anywhere but in their minds, its just a fantasy. The internet is a great tool for finding a person but once found they need to take it to face to face because on screen is a flat one dimensional thing, its too easy to misrepresent or lie and its hard for example to know what the person is like 24/7 when sad, angry, worried, happy and knowing whether you can handle that. There is no opportunity to experience life together and build trust , experiences you have solid proof of by going through together. ON Line, you can only suspect trust having been broken but cant know for sure. Those types of LDR's are nothing more than a fantasy in ones mind. The mind imagines and fills in the gaps of what it can not experience in real life.
I know yours if not an LDR but it works the same way for you falling for him and having feelings and missing him. Most marriages are mismatched, wrong people together or people with lots of baggage or both immature and acting like school children. But the wrong match is a biggie so often a person who is not happy sex wise, seeks a sex partner, but wont leave wife because she is at least his best friend. I had a married guy ask me to be his sex partner. I told him that as long as I could hear it from his wife that she gives her okay for that to happen, then I would. I was thinking in cases where the partner was so ill they were in pain during lovemaking, 24/7 365, always in pain or sick in some way. He actually said, I dont want to hurt her, she's my best friend. Well the perfect partner must be both your best friend and best lover to work. You need to deal with your subconscious and keep telling it you no longer want to think of him. You wont develop amnesia but the memories remain, just not with pain attached. I wish you the best.

[view]

My bestfriend left in 10th grade and I got into a group of friends it was fine for a while until I felt like I was getting more and more picked on. From getting my head pushed, grabbing my shoes and I ran after them with my socks wet, grabbing my phone and texting people without my permission, always being the target and more. Now I am in 12 grade and am so happy that we are staying home cause in 11th grade I would have mental breakdowns every week cause I felt so lost and stuck cause the person who was the key to all of this knew I have social anxiety and cant just up and leave to a different friend group so I felt like this person was taking advantage of that. I told myself that I would wait until graduation and cut them off but now I feel fake...and I feel fake to myself cause every time this person wants to talk to me I really really don't want to cause I know this person is going to try to find anything to pick on me about. And yet I force myself to respond cause I'm scared of the possibility that to we might go back to school in May and I really don't want drama I just want to leave this friendship. I am especially nervous if we do go back in May cause I don't know what this person is going to do. This person is very impulsive and might lash out and that the last thing I want. This person recently started to comment more on my story's and Instagram photo I believe he/she knows I am getting distant. Like today he/she messaged me saying how its almost my birthday. Once I saw that message my anxiety increased so much and I was about to breakdown. And the thing is, is that every time this person would be nice to me like once in a while I would rethink everything which has really took a toll on my mental health. I keep debating with myself. On one hand I really don't want to respond and want to end and I feel fake and cause I told myself I will never again put myself in that situation again but on the other hand I'm like just wait until graduation and you never have to see this person ever again. Idk..Idk..I feel so lost and suck please I need advice!

I can relate but in other ways. I was also one with social anxiety when preschool through last year of high school. I was teased some, mild bullying, to mean it means no touching me or taking things of mine, just mostly verbal and then, of all things, had the bad luck of marrying at 20 to a guy who ended up verbally abusing me all of our marriage. So thats to let you know I can relate. Now you wish to leave, so did I, but I didn't until it was a matter of my living or dying. I got this from a dream from God or my angels that I had the choice to stay and die from the stress in 4 years time...thats what I heard, or leave, and live to see my kids married and become a Grandma. I left but not til my late forties. Its not easy, its a process but you can be free of social anxiety and also able to leave anythng toxic, a person, a job, etc. I learned that you may as well really learn the lesson to love yourself enough to remove yourself from a toxic person. We can not change other people, Change must come from within a person with a want to get better. I won't address when or if your school starts up or graduation or any of that because they aren't the problem, the problem we all must admit and I did too, was that I was the problem for my misery. Yes, I had a mean husband but at least he didn't chain me up in the house and not allow me to see even my family, and there are plenty of women for whom that horror is for real. So if you are not a prisoner in any way, it boils down to you leaving. I had my own reasons, misguided church beliefs that I wanted to follow which kept me there. Apparently the thing I heard most, "Trust God to heal your marriage", was a false thing to be taught. It sounded good. But God explained that in order for Him to heal my husband and make him a good marriage partner, that he would have to take away the free will He gave everyone, including your so called friend, so if He were to program a mean person instantly into a nice one like a robot, then it isn't that person having the opportunity to learn to seek God themselves, the choice was already made for them. that was profound to me. So facing possible death was something that made me want to do something about my situation. I don't know what will trigger you but until you learn how to leave and stay out of future situations with a toxic person, these situations will come up your whole life, until you learn and do what you have to do to protect yourself. You probably won't have a death sentence of four years time, or leave and change the future kind of thing. Just know that the stress brought on by toxic stuff, is not going to just sit there and do nothing. I learned that stress has to go somewhere, and so it goes into the mind and the person either starts acting crazy or gets depressed and may kill themselves or the stress goes into the body creating many illnesses than can be brought on by stress and that's what I got. I no longer even have headaches which I suffered from almost daily. So if life or death will give you the power to do what you have to, think of it this way, suicide is death but in life, you find that people with cancer or some heart illness don't usually die instantly but their life is cut short and the cause will e due to stress from something toxic in your life. My Mom had died of cancer and Dad from heart related things so since that ran in family, I wasn't going to take chances on contracting one of those from stress and eventually dying of it. So yes, at some point in the future, it will probably bring you to the point of losing your life.
Another obstacle to cutting her out of your life might be feelings of guilt and as you called it, feeling fake. Theres nothing fake about deserving to be treated decently as a human being. But we live in a world where the worst things that can happen to us is what another human does to us. So how you feel about this is a way of holding you back. I had mixed feelings when others said it would be a selfish move for me to leave my then husband, now ex. God told me I had to learn to love myself 100% because though I did love myself in many ways, it wasn't 100% because I was allowing myself to stay with a man who broke all his vows to me early on. I was reminded of a garden hose and told to imagine I was the hose and the water that flowed through the hose, or me, was what I had to give the world and make it a better place. That water is love and loving people can make a big change for them, however if I didn't take the time to take care of myself first, no one else will and without care, I as a hose can end up cracked, so water is leaking or a kink in a hose so no water can flow. So the hose can't make an impact on the world. Neither can I or you if we don't take care of ourselves first. I was even given a Bible scripture that confirms that. One person told me, there's no use waiting for someone else to rescue me as there will be no one, not for something like this that involves my choice, remember I was not a prisoner. Once I had been gone a year, I came back for birth of my first gtrandchild. At that time, a male friend of family was single too and wanted to start seeing me, and within no time, got an apartment together. I couldnt afford the whole thing, the same reason it took me so long to leave the ex, financial reasons of how will the kids and I survive? So when in no time at all the new guy in my life began bossing me around, ordering me to do certain things, I had a brief thought of fear, followed by the insight of 'OMG, this is a test. Did I learn with my ex only to allow this to happen all over again with someone else? Not me. I put my foot down and he walked out on me leaving me with an apartment I couldn't afford and had to leave in a weeks time. I had no idea how things would work out, but because I came through my test in flying colors, I was offered a place to stay free at a friends and while there, because I was ready and had learned to love myself enough to screen out anything/anyone toxic in my life. You said:

" I told myself I will never again put myself in that situation again but on the other hand I'm like just wait until graduation and you never have to see this person ever again. " What you forget is that she still has control over you even though you are not seeing her. Its what she texts or says on line that is getting to you. So obviously its not being apart or never seeing her again that will help. I already told you my story. There will be plenty chances for the same to continue to happen to you until you do what you have to do. You may not be ready yet to cut her out in all ways. Also, you may seriously study on what makes a friend, a friendly acquaintance , and what makes an enemy. Because your knowing someone doesn't make them a friend automatically, but one of two things: 1.a friendly acquaintance if they treat you civilly but don't hang out together, like all the classmates you know from classes together but aren't close or
2. They treat you like a lower class citizen, basically acting as an enemy and treating you that way. No respect, no love or care, physical and verbally abusing, and if any qualifies to be labeled fake, its her, not you. She tolerates you which has you thinking she is friendly. I remember wanting people to like me at that age. I know how important it feels, but all your peers are experiencing the same thing. Some will act out in bad ways to get the attention they crave which just might not be happening at home. Some kids who are igno, so they try to get what they consider any kind of care or attention by doing bad things. My guess will be that she is hurting inside and wants to forget it so she keeps doing whatever she can to forget. Some will transfer the anger they have at being treated unfairly to the next closest person who has little self confidence because they are easy to dump on, they hardly complain. Thats you and me girl. I never complained, never told the parents, not that they could help me. I am the one who had to change to save myselrf. Its your turn. If you dont learn it now, you may end up like I did, married to a jerk who seemed nice until a few days after the wedding. And walking out on a marriage, leaving and getting a divorce is a whole lot harder than learning now to leave a toxic friendship. Actually it bothers me to call it a friendship which I know it isn't. If you also want help with gaining self confidance, I can share what helped me. As for getting over social anxiety, that too, you can be free of and it isn't drugs, but a matter of not listening to and heeding any of your own generated thoughts that are distorted. ALL people have some distortion to their thoughts that will pop up life long but the difference is not focusing on a thought and imagining a horrific story line in your head to go along with it. So if you really want to work on the other stuff, let me know which or both and I will post in the advice for it which I have saved in a document to paste in.
Take care not to ask me for help in the place you can write a review of this advice. I can read it but not respond. I do not have a way of knowing who sent a question or where to send it back to. When I click the 'submit answer' button, that info is somewhere in the set up of Advicenators and will send this answer to you. I can not do that any other way so you must click on left at top, 'search advice columnists' and find my column under dragonflymagic where there will be a place to contact me. And since I don't know your name, you will have to refer in brief to your situation so I know who you are. Blessings to you!

[view]

Hi,

I'm 25 years old, and I was raised catholic my entire life. I do not consider myself to be practicing, and i've struggled with my faith in the religion for a very long time now. But the thing is, I only went to church just to please my mom... I've tried telling her many times that I don't want to lie anymore and be dishonest in a church but she just doesn't seem to get it. I respect her religious views and i just wish she would respect my choices but she's doesn't get it. I feel like she's basing my humanity on my faith. Despite there being many good qualities to me, she doesn't see that at all and to her being religious trumps everything. Her not accepting me for who i am has hurt me, and me not being religious has hurt her too. she's also threatened me that she wouldn't go to my own wedding if it isn't in a church. I just feel suffocated and the only way for everyone to get along is for me to follow her ways and suffer behind curtains. Has anyone ever experienced this, or has any advice on this matter?

Your Mother is forgetting that you are an adult which means you make your own decisions. I am sure she mistakenly believes if you don't attend services regularly that you will go to Hell. So that would mean believing that it is a sin to not attend.
A pastor in my past did share that to Sin is to simple miss the mark, as it is an Archery term for not hitting the bullseye. And sin was measured by how far your arrow was away from the center.

I see two issues here, one of her pushing you to attend when you are an adult and must live your own life and make your own decisions.
The other issue could be you wanting to attend somewhere but believing that your struggle with faith and feeling you are lying and dishonest to attend when you are not sure of what you believe or if you believe. It might surprise you but I have learned that there are plenty of people who have found God and Christ, without being inside a church. A church is a building. God is Spirit. Our bodies are also buildings for peoples souls. So it doesn't matter where you, or how you worship God.

Many churches struggle with being two faced in their belief that a church is where the sick, the unGodly, those who are homeless, drug addicts, hookers, and so on should be welcome. But at the same time, church goers or even the priest might say something that makes you feel you have to be perfect to attend. That is not true. Most people in any church are nice good people who try to act as Jesus but lack that closeness to Jesus. That is because our human body, the shell that it is, is not spiritual, only our soul is so we must learn how to seek God with a mind open to being Spiritual. I have at times achieved it, then lose it and then achieve it again. Its like a kid learning to tie shoelaces, and thats hard for most of us. Some get it right and then wrong the next time. This back and forth struggle is common but no matter what, as long as in our hearts we are trying to reach out to God, that matters most to Him. Your Mom needs someone to talk to her, another adult whom you know, does treat her adult children as adults and no longer tells them what to do. Ask around and see what you can find or else it will rest on your shoulders to tell her. If so, you reassure that you love her and when you want advice, you will ask her for it. But when it comes to decision making, you will make your own decisions without anyone, including her, directing you as to what you should do. I can't even do that, I can only share my story and my advice. Ultimately it is all your choice.

Congrats on getting Married. I know it must feel bittersweet due to your Moms ultimatum and how every bride wants her parents there if possible.
Mom is attempting to control you by choosing a special event in your life, to give her ultimatum. She knows if she simply said she won't give her blessing but still attended, it wouldn't have as strong of a will of power to possibly break you, or your will at least. If you want to get married outdoors or a unique location other than a church building, that is perfectly okay. If you give in to her and have the wedding at church, it will have to be her church and she will then know that she can continue to manuever you as she wishes with ultimatums. Somes Moms meddle even in whom the daughter choose to marry, forbidding dating even a certain person. Sometimes parents do have valid concerns and it is good to hear them out once. Then its still up to you to decide. However, in this situation, if you cave in, you will have lost. Do whatever you can to have others speak to her and hopefully change her mind or you may have to have this wedding without her.

As long as you believe: The only way for everyone to get along is for me to follow her ways, then she will continue to use that and you will be miserable. You can get along fine with any like minded family or family that leaves your choices up to you, but she will be left out if she doesnt change. She really is hurting herself. If you do want a church wedding, it doesn't have to be the church you were raised in. Keep in mind there are many couples who don't attend a church and go viewing churches to find a building and setting they find most beautiful to them. I have seen some pretty ugly churches or ones with double use, like a gymnasium. Of course you would have to pay the church for use of their building. You can also choose any pastor or priest you feel most comfortable with. People who don't believe in God will either get married by a Justice in court and have the wedding as well after. Draw your line in the sand so to speak, and start carrying out all the details in your life without her telling you things. YOu can kindly say, Mom, I do listen to advice. Whether I act on the advice is my decision. However, I do not wish to receive advice I didn't ask for. Use a phrase like that, after you or someone has talked to her. Every time she is attempting to say, you should this and you should that, if you haven't asked for advice or what does she think, all you have to do is remind her "I do not recall asking you for advice Mom. I know it must be hard to switch to treating me like the adult that I am despite being your child, but these are my wishes.

[view]

I have never celebrated my birthday with more than one friend before. This year, I started telling my friends my plans early since my birthday is in June. My birthday is on a weekday. I planned to do dinner on my birthday on a rooftop. But, sister said she can’t come because she’s going on a trip. My other friend has to work that evening of my birthday. One friend said she could come depending if she in labor. A coworker of mines said she would be open. My out of town friend hasn’t gave me a defiant yes but she seems open. I wanted to make reservations in April but right now, I’m not confident if anyone will come. I will feel embarrassed if I make a reservation for 4 and only one or two show up. I want to celebrate my birthday but by it being on a weekday I’m afraid people won’t come. What do I do?

Just because you have never celebrated your Birthday in the past with more than one doesn't mean that now, during a pandemic, it is okay to fulfill your desires and go against any mandates or rules or laws regarding Covid 19. It is a sad time when humans who pretty much love celebrations and get togethers can not do so. Now you know how those who wanted to have a funeral for a loved one, or a couple wanting a big fancy wedding, or seniors in HS who couldn't attend prom or a graduation ceremony, how all those people feel. And I am sure there are more, like when it involves Holidays. For my Birthday, no party no gift, just staying at home with hubby, Christmas, a zoom with some relatives but otherwise, no decorations or tree, just sitting at home, New Years and Hubbys Birthday, we again sat at home doing nothing. In all this, Netflix keeps us occupied cus there isn't much else we can do but twiddle our thumbs. Since the start of when the public was notified of the pandemic, I have seen mandates change depending on whether numbers of infected go up or down and those numbers can't be guessed 2 months ahead as to whether there will be another lockdown. I say this because there still is so little known about the Covid 19 strain we've had running around all last year and up to now. But there are new strains supposedly worse in how easy to catch it. I can see another total shutdown coming if a new strain multiplies real fast. They may need to create a new vaccine which will probably be called some kind of booster shot. So if you want to try making reservations, a week before is more realistic. However going out to eat, even if a small group, means all of you are taking off your masks to eat which means you are not as protected and of course, the chance you could pass it on if you have it without symptoms as many have found was the case for them, including friends of mine. They had been a\on a cruise ship early December 2019 and there were lots of Asians on that ship. They never had symptoms and that wouldn't help because all the people had not yet been told about the pandemic. They had us and a few others plus family over for a big pre Christmas party. Two weeks later, not knowing there was a pandemic, I got sick so fast it made my head spin. Going to bed feeling fine and waking up in the night totally congested with more phlegm than my sinus issues or allergies could give me, it literally scared me. But I took my immune system boosters and herb oil known to help you recover from viruses and it worked. My hubby only got a nagging cough and I never heard of any of the other guests getting it. Now imagine you and friends out eating, no one showing any signs of sickness. Two weeks later one of those friends is sick and dies. Now you have to live with the fact that even if your friend caught it from another guest, not you, there is still the guilt over having wanted a party so badly that your friends felt guilty not attending. But now one is dead because you wanted this party so bad. Yeah it was her choice to attend but she wouldn't have been attending if nothing was planned. The safest thing is to plan a Zoom Birthday party. Each member can buy or make a party hat to wear, each have an alcoholic drink to sip on and each of you eat a cupcake together just watching each other. The friends can mail you a gift ahead of time and watch you on Zoom opening the gifts. I know thats a sad replacement for the real thing but its better than the alternative, no party.

None of this is what you wanted to hear. The virus is for real. Although I don't know many who had it but recently a member of a church community dinner crew of about 20 at most of which I and hubby are part, is hospitalized with Covid in the last couple weeks. She always wore a mask with us and everywhere she went and yet she caught it. She could have passed it off to any of us while she did not have symptoms. Part of being an adult is doing the right thing, even if it isn't fun for you. I know that not having Christmas as I would wish to have it, did not have any lasting bad effects on me other than being dissapointed at the time, but I'd rather have my family alive than dead so I could've had my Christmas.

[view]

My soon to be 13 year old granddaughter who I had a very close relationship, has in the last months not returned my text messages and seems to not want to spend time with me. Her father, my son, says she is into her friends and phone, which I totally understand, but totally shutting me out of her life is hurtful. What should I do?

I wonder when she received her own cell phone because if it was long before she stopped responding, then having a cell phone did not change her habits. Find out and talk to her mother. Although not your blood relation, she is female and more likely to give you all the answers you want and help as well. Before the age of 25, almost all humans struggle with the affects of having a prefrontal lobe of brain that is not mature yet, unlike their body that has bloomed into or is in process of changing to its adult form. So teens already have a hard time with decision making and any other things that this part of the brain covers. Teens are more apt to just go after whatever provides the reward they want. It could be that before now, friends were important but not so important that she would exclude people from her life that are not a peer. It may be up to her Mom to share something with her that might help her to make a better decision and make time for you.

In my time on here, I have read from teens who feel guilty because a grandparent has passed on and they feel guilt of not having spent more time with the grandparent. This guilt happens even if the teen has spent time with but thinks it should have been more, as well as those who had no time at all for a grandparent. Once you are gone, there is no way they can make up for it. Before, they always thought they had time, not considering that it might not be a health related reason a family member dies, but a car accident or killed for being in the wrong place at wrong time. Since we never know, its better to spend time with family including grandparents while younger. Her friends will be around health wise, longer than you. All this she needs to hear. So tell her Mom whats going on and how you feel. Perhaps she knows what has changed. Also, since she is a teen now, the granddaughter may be into some new things that she doesn't think would interest someone other than another teen. Once shes talking with you again, perhaps you can follow her on an outing of her choice to do with you and next time she goes to somewhere or an activity with you that you would like to introduce her to.
Please stop with the texting. I hate when I text a question but 5 hours later get a reply. That is NOT a conversation. By then I've forgotton what I asked and have to read back over all the posted texts to know what its about. For talking to your daughter in law and grand daughter, make it a good old fashioned phone call where you have the responses immediately.

[view]

I'm a 24 yr old female in desperate need of advice. I found out this past weekend that I'm pregnant (5 weeks) and I've been stressing ever since. I'm very torn on what decision to make and when I try to outweigh the pros/cons I feel like the best decision would be abortion. I have an almost 3 yr old that I'm trying to be the best mom for, I've struggled with depression since I was pregnant with her and I just feel as though it'd be unfair to have another child when I'm not where I want to be in life. I need emotional and financial stability and splitting myself more would not be ideal. My big hesitation comes from a fear of what ifs and/or regretting my decision. As well as this overwhelming feeling of guilt..probably because I don't really feel I have a someone I can talk to this about that wouldn't be judgmental. I've been trying to think carefully this week but I don't know what to do. I don't want to wait any longer because I know it'll make the decision even harder, I truly feel deep down that abortion would be the best option but I'm struggling to make a final choice. Thank you in advance, any advice is appreciated.

The final decision is going to be yours but I will share whatever I can think of for you to consider.

It's your body so its your decision whether to abort or carry full term.

I've never had an abortion so I
can't state things that might help you decide to go through or not depending on any side effects but you may want to ask around.

I understand being single Mom and concern over being able to care for a 2nd child, especially if its just you right now. So you are smart to look ahead and wonder if its best, not for others, but for you and the child. Your future may change and therefore the what ifs or fear of regretting the decision.

So here's one more option for you if it sounds good. What if you carried to full term but before getting there, get signed up for open adoption. This is where you have a say in whom you choose for the adoptive parents and you remain a part of the child's life as much as that other couple agree to, so visits and birthdays, holidays, special functions like recitals or school plays when child is older. And the child grows up knowing you are the birth Mom and the other couple are the adoptive parents. This has worked for many and if I were in the position you are, it's what I would want.

Since the depression you have has come only since pregnant, yours is not the typical all life long depression that people battle with meds. However my daughter had this pregnancy depression start right after birth of her first child, due to all the hormone changes from pregnancy. She had to go on meds for a while to help her body cope. For some women the depression with pregnancy can last varied amounts of time. With daughter it was about 5 years, my 2nd husbands 1st wife had depression for 9 years after but didn't take meds. I know of some one else where it was much less, 1 or 2 years. Since you are pregnant, you may not be able to take certain meds while pregnant. But you really should go to see a Dr about this. Even if you abort, those hormones will still be playing havoc with you for sometime after. I am serious about you going to see a Dr for depression. At worst, it could affect your thinking and daughter confided she had feelings of killing herself and baby even though she at same time knew it was wrong and that's why she told me and we got her in to a Dr right away.( I was her transportation.)

Something else you mentioned but didn't ask for advice with is contraception. Again I share out of experience. I took the pill for a while but Dr. took me off when it made fibroids grow that were extra pain with each period. I tried the diaphragm with spermicide but the struggle of not being able to be spontaneous having to stop and fiddle a while to get it right. Thats when I asked my Mother for suggestions. She mentioned using a copper IUD, its called Paragard and IUD means Intra-uteran device. So I asked Dr. for that. I used it for 5 years or so til I was ready to have a kid. This copper type once inserted by Dr. will last 10 years before needing to be replaced. There are hormonal ones available but they last only about 3 years. So the one time cost instead of monthly pills, or shots or other choices will even out in the end unless the prices have seriously gone up since I used. I couldn't have the hormonal based ones due to first problem I mentioned. I hope all this info helps you. In your case, not having a life partner yet, its not fair to have no sex life until then, so getting something fuss free like an IUD might be great. You are always protected for sex, so you don't have to worry and if I recall correctly, in past the insurance covered it. Can't say if it is so now, but check with your insurance to e sure.

[view]

Hi. I'm a 16 y/o girl. I guess you could say I'm generally a pretty good kid. I've never been in any major trouble. So, I've never been grounded. Most of my friends, on the other hand, have been grounded at least once in their lives. I'm actually curious as to what it's like. Like, to the degree that I find myself daydreaming about what I could do to get myself grounded so I can finally find out. Am I weird for doing this? I'm sure my friends would think I'm psycho. What do you think?

I had a Mom write in asking if we could figure out why her daughter was curious like you are here, but in this case curious how it felt to have lice. So she cuddled close with a girlfriend who had lice, so she could catch it. Curiosity is okay as far as I know as long as it is not curiosity that will cause lots of trouble for yourself, be dangerous or make life harder on others due to what you try out, simply cus of being curious. I will tell you what I told that Mom. I will share about something each human goes through as teen and young adult and it has to do with the frontal lobe of the brain. It affects crucial thinking and reasoning. So for example teenagers have a poor ability to measure their current actions against potential future consequences. I never got grounded but due to other things I have experienced in life, its not so hard to imagine what it would feel like and that I don't want to try to make it happen. So if you wonder why you'd
even think such a thing, heres the full article:
https://tenneyschool.com/frontal-lobe-brain-teen-decision-making/

Imagine you're an adult now, working a job full timer M-F, and one day you wonder what it would fee like to play hookey and not go to work. So you don't call to warn the boss that you are not coming in. Even if ill, a company needs to know in case it is a job with different shifts and needing to pull someone off another shift to take your place. Who knows what hardships it can cause your employer. When you show up the next day, you get called into the managers office. They're figuring you were sick but failed to call in and so you are reminded you have to call in. Next time you don't, you get fired. Or you may already be told you're fired depending on anything else you may have done poorly or wrong on the job and this is the final straw, the manager won't tolerate more. So acting on such a curiosity here has caused either a bad mark in your employee file or loss of the job, and you have used up a sick day when you weren't sick so you have less sick days just in case they are needed, or now have none left and next time you're sick, it will not have sick pay attached.

If you are somewhat popular or have lots of friends, being grounded, means you can't go be with them, can't text them or do so on tablet or computer, no calls, because the grounding is to take something away from a teen that they really like and that would be getting to go hang out with friends or at least be able to communicate in some way. If you overuse your cell phone, losing use of that and having to stay home will feel like a kind of prison. You would also lose your parents trust in you so even after a grounding ends, they will still not trust you and be checking up too much on your where abouts all the time, embarrassing you or worse, calling one of your friends to check up on you if you don't answer. Or a parent may say that they don't trust you now because of whatever you did to get grounded so other privileges are taken away and you may not be able to go off on own, use the car, and only choice is getting to accompany a parent going out to run an errand. You tarnish your own reputation so you're no longer a pretty good kid. And when a teen with little else to your name, having a good reputation is like having gold. Let your only acting out on curiosity be something simple like what goat cheese tastes like if you've never had it. Every adult I know has some kind of foods they just don't like, after at least tasting. that kind of curiosity is normal. Does it mean yours is abnormal? The thought is not abnormal but acting upon it is . Hope this has helped.

[view]

I've had several really cool, deep experiences in meditation, yet I find I don't do it very often and can't force myself to do it under any circumstances. I want meditation to be a bigger part of my life, but there's this real part of my brain that feels...pained by it? Even when I think about it, something in my mind is like "NO." Does anyone know what this is or could be? Is it a sign that I shouldn't meditate, or is it something that can be overcome?

I am currently reading a book about Spirituality around the world, and things it has in common. The author had experiences personally with people who had feelings like yours, of not wanting to do something they knew was something they wanted to do in life or do more of. Meditation is a good thing. So while the other things mentioned could be the cause, according to the book I'm reading, it could be something more. An Angelic being would not stop you from meditating as it is a good way to train the brain to hear from God. Its healthy for your whole self, to relax, calm down, and be more clear minded. I think all people who've done it have struggled at one point or another.


Since you said, "Even when I think about it, something in my mind is like "NO." that made me think of a couple stories in the book where the author began to be able to see things in the spiritual realm, things our human eyes don't usually see and the people who reported having no desire to attend their choice of religious activities or hear a voice inside saying its not worth doing or a stop! don't do it! kind of message, were people who were plagued by the opposite of Angelic beings but dark entities whose sole job is creating chaos in your life or keeping you from seeking to grow spiritually.( Don't worry, this has nothing to do with 'being possessed by evil spirit'). The author silently prayed for these entities to leave them alone and next time they saw each other, the people who had issues before, were now happily going on with their spiritual growth, no longer apathetic to doing spiritual things, one of them which can be meditation.
I have had more success as of late myself, not because I don't want to, but my problems were my mind straying and thinking of other things. Lately I started listening for the humming sound inside my head while laying in bed at night, the most quiet part of a day so you aren't distracted by louder noises nearby. I don't notice it until I focus and try to hear it. My guess is its the sound of blood going through all the vessels in my head and thats where my ears are so if I focus on trying to hear it, in no time I do hear it and it seems to be the only thing helping me to learn how to stop my mind from wandering and thinking of tasks to be done or how the day went, etc...
Maybe it will work for you. If you feel something other than yourself is responsible for you not wanting to start, yes it can be overcome. Meditation is not something that is a gift to only a few or something new agey and not helpful because it is good for everyone, including you. You may want to pray for direction on who to see to get help. I will pray too. You can try the preacher if you attend church but not all people attending or running a church have the answers as they have not delved into that part of being a spiritual being yet. But there are several types of people called 'lightworkers' who are sensitive to hearing from God, being able to sense what is wrong in a person and heal it, or they hear messages from God for a person. One such lady came to a church retreat when I was way younger, and I was confused by the fact that she knew things and was always right and very effective. However the only people I'd known of, of whom some are genuine and not quacks, are called Psychics. She didnt label herself a psychic, just another child of God, with a special gift.However I have thought and researched long about that and I hear things from God too at times, not consistently yet I have never thought of myself as psychic. So if nothing else works, you may want to seek out a psychic by asking around. People who know of a genuine one, not a quack who pretends, will tell you. Hope this is helpful for you. I will pray also.

[view]

I’m not sexually active or anything, but when I masturbate, sometimes there are yellowish chunks that come out when I ejaculate. These tend to have a stronger smell than semen usually does- does anyone know what this is? Should I see a doctor? I’m a 17 year old guy if that helps

Im female so I don't have answers for that as my husband has not experienced that, but other issues due to getting older. If you have no pain its likely not serious but may still require a Dr. to check this out for you. Any irregularities in our blood when taken, can show others more serious things that need treatment but there is no pain, or no pain yet at this point. I would think examining a semen sample might help the same way. Your primary Dr. can refer you to a Urologist which is the kind of Dr. my husband has seen for his issues. A urologist can take worry off your mind if its nothing. Or recommend something to treat it if its a thing that needs treating.

[view]

I have been dating this man for 7 months now. But it doesn’t feel like that long because we don’t see each other very often. About once a week throughout this whole time. He told me that his intentions with me are to be in a relationship. He also told me I’m his favorite woman out of everyone he’s dating and he does special things for me and no one else, the other women are just sex.

My problem is not that he’s with other women. My problem is that i feel like he doesn’t like me as much as i like him. I’m afraid “I love you” will slip out of my mouth before he says it to me. And i will feel like i care the most. Which has always hurt me in the past, and those relationships have ended because I’ve become clingy and just too involved in those relationships.

I’ve been doing it different with him though, i allow him to initiate all the dates and all the conversations. I haven’t been very good at allowing him to address any issues between us because he’s a very easy going guy and not many things bother him. So i find myself bringing it up when i need something to change. (I don’t like it because he gives me the impression that he doesn’t care. If there’s really nothing to say to me) I’ve already asked him “where is this going” and “what if we were exclusive” and he’s given me the impression both times that he’s in no rush. But he also doesn’t want to lose me.. and this rubs me the wrong way because it doesn’t feel like he would really care if he lost me.

He says he does things for/with me that he doesn’t do with anyone else; he bought me a diamond bolo bracelet, matching robes for us, took me on 2 vacations to the Poconos, has paid for every date and almost every meal so far with little to no complaints, he has come to visit me at work twice. But only because i asked him to. he has listened to me and remembered my orders or my favorite places to go and makes sure i have the food or the dates just the way i like them.

Yet still i feel like he may be putting on an act. I only see him like 1 time a week. He maybe has the capacity to put on a front once a week for me and go back to being himself for the rest of the week. I don’t know. I’ve mentioned to him that i would like to see him more often but he has told me he has a lot going on and his schedule is mostly him at work. When he’s not at work he goes to this secret society club, spends time with his family and friends, and, you guessed it, with other women. So he doesn’t even text me or call me unless he’s setting up the next date with me. I don’t know if i should start seeing other men myself and take the pressure off of him, or just cut it off. He hasn’t lied to me or otherwise mistreated me so it’s very conflicting.

We are not in a relationship. We are not even exclusive. This feels more like prolonged friends with benefits with a vague relationship future, maybe maybe not. I’m 23 he is 29. He has his own place and when we see each other i always drive to him.

Sorry but this will be long for me to share all I feel you need to know to make your own best decision.

Just because he says things about the situation does not necessarily mean they are true. What you can take to the bank and count on is when a person is consistently doing something right. Words are cheap, so you don't know you are truly his favorite and that the other women are just for sex. What he did when you were sick would be one thing you can expect from a happy healthy relationship but so far, that's the only one I've heard.

Let me tell you what happens when a guy falls hard for a female. I received a message on dating site on computer I was using that to meet a guy. I wanted real love this time around and a healthy marriage. I took a space meant for something else like the one labeled 'what I do in my spare time' and put a list of what I was looking for in a guy, a list of about 7 things that were criteria he had to meet before he could write to me. I got his message early Saturday morning the 11th. I wrote him back immediately and had to wait all weekend for him to write back Sunday night. He had used an old email he rarely checked anymore. Once he realized it, he wrote. I got the message and I wrote back answering any statement or point he shared. He thought I was too good to be true and full of BS as he told me later but he gave me his number and asked me to call. He didn't want to wait til next weekend to meet me so he mentioned he drove a delivery truck and took his afternoon break in a certain grocery parking lot near where I went to see a caregiving client. So I called Monday and reminded him I was on my way. After that short talk in person, he wanted to chat every night with me.. often til our phones ran out of battery. And we met also the following Sat. If a guy is really into you, he will want to learn more about a gal to see if she is the one for him. I had taken the reins and told him what was and was not acceptable, and that is being self confident. I would stand by that, no matter how many guys I had to meet to find the right guy. If you want to attract a great guy, these guys are attracted to self confidence in a woman. That second weekend I went to his apt, meet his daughter, he was divorced. She liked me. But once she holed herself up in her room, he still made no moves towards me. We had traded things when me met on Monday. An instruction booklet of mine falling apart which he promised to fix for me and an astrology book he had with pages marked he wanted me to read certain things. I thanked him for fixing my booklet and used that moment to thank him adding a kiss. I later found out, he on purpose waited to see if I would make the first move. He didn't want to kiss me first in case I ended up not liking him enough, but there was chemistry. Within the week I was driving 45 mins every evening to visit him where he lived. And due to the chemistry started the sexual part of the relationship. If a guy is interested he won't put off having time with you. You might be sharing priority in your life with a job, maybe his family or a sport team, but if you aren't one of three important things, guys can't really give their best to more than one thing. Also just remembered you may need to realize that a solid and successful foundation in a romantic
relationship is comprised of just two things, being best of friends and also each others sexual equal. This would mean a guy finds both the sex partner and best friend in the same one person. I can say my current husband is both. Most relationships and divorced marriage have only one or the other. If he's already getting all the sex he wants elsewhere and even though you have sex with him, he may have it in his mind that the only way he'll be fulfilled is by having lots of variety, then he is a fool. So that leaves friendship. Can you truly say that other than money he spends on you, is he treating you like his very best friend as well?

I waited with first husband for him to change into the perfect husband doing what the church said, to pray for God to heal your marriage. He thought I was weak and he could walk all over me. Near end of marriage when a counselor friend of ours asked him if he was in love with me, he dodged answering 3 times by saying terrible made up things about me. The counselor knew he was deflecting and knew me better than he was being told. Eventually hubby answered he loved me for being a good mother only. That explained a lot. I was in my forties and all this time thought he must have loved me to have wanted to marry me. No, he just wanted to appear normal, you know, a guy with a wife, kids, house, dogs and cats and the white picket fence. Don't look deeper to see whats wrong with me is the subconscious thought of people who have something off about them.
You dear, have intuition and have already stated plenty of times that you felt many misgivings about him and said it wasn't a relationship. I think for clarity you meant you were not a dating couple, or going steady, or two singles living together like a married couple.Unlike myself not questioning things relationship-wise, you are, so you are already ahead off where I used to be. I now see the signs from back then that something was wrong but I know for sure after living through it.

I do wonder what his secret society club really is about. For all you know, he is a regular attending member of a swing club. He could instead be polyamorous. I've known several couples who were, and watched all the relationship dynamics. Whether single or married, one woman is the guys core relationship. That relationship comes first and should be healthy. I've seen the core relationships fall apart if either had issues with untreated insecurities, or other personal issues.

His spending 7 months and not wanting to commit to you that way, means he has no business being with you, or if he does love you enough, he has no business spending time with other women at this time. It should not have taken him 7 months to figure out you are the right one and only one for him. We all deserve better than that. If he wanted extra women for sex, okay...no problem. But that works only if the core relationship, of you and him are worked on first, have time to grow, blossom and mature over time. A healthy couple will grow strong in time so no calamity could tear them apart.



His buying you lots of stuff doesn't mean for sure he loves you. Maybe he does but spending money on you/giving gifts reminds me of one of a book on the 5 love languages.
As far as how people show love in relationships, there are five different types, in a book called 'the Five Love Languages' by Gary Chapman, the original author but many have made similar books. I suggest getting it because if you're feeling like you're not on the same page, have differing love for each other,you'll want to read it. If it doesn't help here and isn't the issue, you can use it with anyone, family, friends, a new boyfriend/fiancee. Using the wrong love language on ones partner is a quick way to feel unsatisfied and question the love in your relationship. Ask any bookstore to order it for you, but if you can't find it that way, order on line or try Christian bookstores as Chapman is a Christian. Here is an on line quiz you can take:
https://www.5lovelanguages.com/ to find out your love language.
Usually people make errors in giving a partner love the same way they expect to receive it, and there may be a second one as well. If you truly feel and know you are loved by receiving gifts rather than one of the other four, words of affirmation, acts of service, quality time, physical touch, then he loves you, and something else may be wrong. He needs to take the test too for this to work.


Between a you tube video by a guy telling women how to tell if their partner loves them and some of my own revelations, I have created a list to share next to determine if he truly loves you. Here it is:
7 Questions to know if he really loves you


1. Does he say I love you. For some, it's a hard thing to say but they show it to you in other ways. When he says “I love you”, he is viewing that as a commitment to you. It is not a flippant phrase.
Saying I love you too early like during first couple dates is a warning about the guy. Its a very good chance he is needy and wanting a woman to be his mom. Other phrases from a guy count too, like you're awesome, I adore you. You're the woman I always dreamed of.
2. Does he make you a priority in his life? Guys have more than one priority...things very important to him but you should be one of top 3.
What he does for you or how he acts can't be faked easily because it's hard to lie with your body. Things he does without having to be asked, making dinner, picking up something for a collection you have, making time for you, even if it's a walk or a long phone chat. If the guy likes you, he'll make time for you at least a quarter of the time.
3 Does he tell friends about you and like to show you off? Have you been introduced to his family and friends? If he keeps you separate, he's hiding something or ashamed or fearful of something
4. Does he care about your pleasure during sex? Is he only into seeking his own pleasure or your's too. Does he open his eyes and want to have both your eyes connect while making love?
5. Does he respect and encourage you? Respect means, does he value your opinion, do you share decisions and treats you as a partner. Are you encouraged by him to have your own friends and hobbies outside the relationship and encourage you to seek your dreams and uphold you in that.
Jealousy is not love, it's control. It's okay to be protective, but jealousy shouldn't be what prompts the protectiveness
6. Do your friends and family like how he treats you? Others make a great gauge for judging a guys character.
7. Does he look at you with lust and passion in his eyes, with a hunger and thirst for you? Does he give you admiring looks, does he still want to sneak peeks down your shirt. What he sees is Very important since guys are visually stimulated. If he isn't looking anymore, he has lost his interest. All men because of this natural trait, will also view other women but do so discreetly, without being an ass about it. Don't expect a man to look at only you. If he doesn't look at other women at all, it may be a sign that he is gay. You do want a man who is visually stimulated by women.

How many points are true for you with your guy?
7 true He treats you as a Queen and he is an exceptional man
5-6 true He loves you. Just don't focus on what is lacking.
3-4 true He loves you enough to make the relationship work for him. If it's enough for you, then be content. If you feel like you're settling for less, let him go and look for something better.
1-2 true He's a douche-bag, a user or controller. Leave immediately.

If you decide to leave him and are considering dating again and wish to have someone to check with to see what is thought of that person or whats happening, I'd like to help. Change is hard dear, but I hope you make the best decision for yourself.

[view]

I don't normally complain like this but this was the first time I'd ever asked for personal advice. Ok so I have a nice family well, they're nice most of the time. It's been a while since this started but my dad has been really toxic lately. It's sometimes for silly reasons but I feel it's gotten out of control. When I rearranged the furniture in my room a little bit today, my dad got completely mad at me. He said I was being really irritating and would take my room away. I don't want that to happen. And that's not the only thing. He also tells me that I'm lacking common sense and shouts at me for no reason. I know I'm NOT lacking common sense. I always feel really depressed. He compares me and my sister to other kids and tells us that we're wasting time. I spend literally 3/4 of my day studying or in school. I don't know what to do. I even felt like running away but I don't want to upset my mom and my sister who are nicer to me. I feel really insecure and the worst thing is that it's not just me he is mean to. I always see other dads who treat their kids so nicely and I get so upset. I feel like my dad has a big ego and I know most of us do but it's really hurting me and my sister too. What should I do? Please help me.

That is not normal behavior, so you've now heard this twice. And yes, his behavior is toxic. It will definitely affect you in negative ways if things inside of him don't change. I have lived through a toxic relationship with ex husband. When the stress is on going with no breaks to recooperate, it builds until you have depression or physical health issues. I say this because I know. In my case the stress finally made my body break down and get every stress related illness there is. I know other things can cause some of these but to name a few, all body rashes, constant headaches, migraines, and stomach ulcer, etc . . .

In reading, you finally mentioned a Mom, I started thinking perhaps you didn't have a Mom but I see that you don't want to upset her or sis. This makes me wonder if you are the only one in the household he lashes out at. Its possile but his over the top extremely bad behavior could not be something they don't know about. Its possible he picks on your Mom too. She can not very easily at least not hear him. Mens voices are louder to begin with and get really loud when they are upset so unless the rest of house is totally sound proofed, each room, then she must know whats going on. It is also possible that like me, I gave up trying to reason with my ex husband and quietly avoided saying things that were like throwing fuel on an already blazing emotional fire in him. But if I witmessed him yelling at the kids, I stepped in front and told him to go calm down and he was not going to do anything to hurt the kids emotionally or physically. But I shook with terror because I knew he could snap and add physical violence to his harmful speech. He did start pushing me physically later. I locked him out of the house until he calmed down. But a short while later, left him and got a divorce. Sorry, don't mean to mislead, there was a psychologist in there too, a good one, but husband only pretended to go after the initial visits I accompanied him on. I heard him brag on phone to someone that he had my fooled and thought he was going to the Dr. jkut he wasn't. Thats when I knew it was time to leave.

I mentioned abuse, which is what your situation is also, and how it was all verbal at first but much later on, he snapped and started pushing me when angry and once knocked me off our 3 step cement porch onto the cement driveway where I was able to catch myself with my hands preventing injury. If I had fallen wrong, I could have been injured or died. I can't say what is eating your Dad up inside but he is very unhappy about something, and when theres too much on a daily basis built up inside, he'll dump it out on someone, usually a family member, and in your case, its you as far as I know right now. So don't let this continue without speaking to those who may be able to help. Your Mom needed to hear whats going on if for some reason she doesn't know. She may be very afraid of him if she does know and has done nothing. And I can tell you, it's tremendous fear. If Mom is willing, perhaps she can talk to Dad, maybe have a family meeting where all can mention things but not be interrupted or corrected, where everyone's thoughts are welcome. That probably won't happen with Dad. You and sis talking to you won't work either. It is hard enough for an adult to receive criticism or corrections from another adult, but an adult will either shut down or get extremely angry. SO don't even try or you will bring his wrath down on you. Mom will have to talk to family Dr and try to get him to go for help. However, most people who are like this, sense down in their subconscience that something is wrong but they don't want to know and don't care and will refuse help. So you may get more help from HS or college counselors, whichever applies to you. If the family has attended church, call to talk to the pastor or set up a meeting to let him know whats going on. I like the idea of staying with some other relative for a while, if there is anyone who would take you in. A separation would help you out but your Dad won't be getting the help he needs until the authorities know whats going on and that is your Moms job, to reach out and ask for help for the family. Family counseling may help some of you, those who suffered mistreatment from him but if he's stubborn and feels there is nothing wrong with him, then he will refuse help and aay that all of you are the problem. This situation can change in so many ways for worse so it's hard to predict what will help. If you haven't prayed before, start now by asking God to send you Angels to protect you from Dad. It sounds mostly like verbal abuse right now so if you have a good imagination, you can try imagining tiny mirrors in your ears so that his nasty and hateful words get reflected back at him without you having to speak a word. I have heard of a few counselors you told me about that. It's basically a non verbal way of taking the garbage he throws at you and sending it back at him, silently stating that you are not a dumpsite for garbage. I can't say how well it will work for you, it helped me a little. You can tune out and ignore a person when they;re around but quiet. Its harder when they yell a lot. I will be praying for your Dad to get the help he needs. Blessings to you dear and I'd love to hear back how things are going in the future.

[view]

My mom just died and plans are underway for a church service for her. Given the corona virus, I can't say that I'm too keen on hanging out with a bunch of people in a church. I would imagine that there's be lots of crying and hugging involved. I also live with an old man that will certainly die if I catch it and end up giving it to him. I smoke a lot, so I might die myself. Also, I'm an empath and can absorb other people's emotions and feel them as my own. This is already very painful for me and that's just MY emotions. Let alone also feeling the emotions of others. Which can be overwhelming. I don't really know how tough I can be. But I really don't want to be in that environment. Not going I feel would be disrespectful to my mom. But then there's a lot of reasons not to go. I'd feel bad about not going, but I'd also be very anxious and uncomfortable cause of the virus and I'm not sure how much emotion I can handle. So I guess my question is, should I just go and risk the virus and the emotions? or just mourn her from home?

First, my condolences for your Moms passing. I can't imagine how hard it would be to lose someone and have to worry about a funeral. It seems a funeral is one thing that helps bring closure. I don't know who is in charge of planning this funeral but the smart thing would be to mark pews or chairs as you find in a Drs. office. I see seats marked 'don't sit here' and 'sit here for social distancing. A family who lives under the same roof don't need to social distance from each other but assigning ushers to enforce this would be best as well as requiring masks. I know this doesn't sound like help but it is one option. The other would be to do the same thing some smart churches have done. They filmed the service for parishoners to view on line. I know weddings are sometimes filmed, but haven't heard of funerals done that way. But theres no reason why that can't work for you. I know people might expect you there but when my Mom died, I know how wrung out I felt with no tears left, dry cries. That was long in the past... but I am just saying it might be the best option. If you could tape yourself on the computer and have a tech person to play that at the funeral, you could explain why you felt you couldn't be there in person and still be able to share with others things you'd like to say about your Mom. It doesn't matter if other family don't like the idea if you do, you have to think of yourself first. You don't need other deaths in the family, like your own.

On the side, if the old man you live with, hasn't got his vaccine yet, you qualify to get it taken because you can answer yes to the question do you live in a multi generational household, meaning there is or are people who are 65 and older. I know it doesn't help for the funeral. My last thought is to check with all people who have been informed of the death that the funeral will be taped and put on line for those who wish to view and anyone who wishes to say something about her, should tape themselves on their computer and send to whoever is planning the event. Photos of Mom can then also be shown recent or all from childhood on. Facts that others may not know about her can be shared. Did that when Dad passed. He used to be an elevator operator long ago for a while so I shared that among other stuff. My ex husbands mother died a couple months ago of old age, late 90s and had dementia. The family is small so no funeral was planned. The 3 sons did not want to bother going through all of that for just the sons, husand, me and grandkids. So all I could do was pray and hope Angels carried my message to her...that I'll miss her but am glad she's no longer trapped in her body. I know so many with family that died of covid could not have funerals or go to hospitals for visits. It is very sad we have to change and adapt to this temporary inconvenience but many have had to. Whatever you choose, I hope it works out well.

[view]

For me, I've always had issues from telling crushes apart from just idk appreciating someone? Well a few months ago It turned out a friend, which I've known for a few years at this point and had an "I like her, no I don't" mentality about her, that she liked me and a close friend pushed me to try it out, so we did. It was very awkward and it turned out I didn't like her so I stopped it after a few weeks. (Bearing in mind the furthest we went was holding hands.) But now she constantly texts me things like "are you okay" if I don't reply to the group chat for a little bit, then will rant to my other friend about me ignoring her when I only reply with "yes I'm fine". Which was whatever- I pictured it as she was going through it and was just an emotional person. However, today I'm just kind of lost. She texted me 7 messages this morning (3 paragraphs) which I didn't reply straight away because I woke up and tbh how do you reply to a wall of text in the morning. When I finally read the text is was saying about how I fucked her up and I'm one of her issues and she wants to speak to me in person about it. I'll be straight, I'm not good with people are their emotions- I just sort of close up when it comes to comforting. Also, I don't really feel comfortable with her at the moment just one on one. For example, I was hanging out with her and a few others (sorry covid✌ ) and when it was time to go home me and her would usually walk together but today I got a lift because I didn't want to walk with her and she ended up having a breakdown over it. I feel like I'm kind of selfish right now. but I really don't think I'm the right person to be near her with only the 2 of us or to be speaking to her about a 3-week relationship. sorry for the spam. I really don't understand how this website works.

tldr: I and a girl used to date for a few weeks, we broke up but she keeps texting me about her mental health and I don't know how to
respond.

I hate to pull this card to try to explain but its true...this is happening mostly in part due to the age group and I am talking into early twenties, not like you're little kids. People are still learning and working out who they are. There's little available in a classroom setting where one can learn the do's and dont's in a relationship. Most of us learn the same way we started as babies, by copying others, at first our parents, later our peers. The problem is your peers don't know any better, therefore you have a female being totally unreasonable. Its not until age 25 or so scientists agree that the pre frontal cortex of your brain is functional and mature. Before that, a human isn't operating with all parts of brain functional. And the cortex covered things like how we feel perceived, decision making process ,ability to have compassion or placing yourself in the other persons shoes, as I call it.

With the completed frontal cortex, I will see your situations a bit different perhaps and you are doing the right thing to reach out to others. Gather more than just my view. Take all the knowledge you gain and make your own decision as to what you want to do. When I was twenty, I never thought to do the following, and I didn't until I was approaching 50 and divorced, looking for another mate. What I share next, worked for me but few young adults have the idea to even do this. It may not sound like something a teen might do and thats terrible because this is something everyone should do if they want to meet the right person.
Hint 1: Decide ahead of time what is most important to you. The biggest thing I did different was to take the attitude of being an HR manager, able to convey what the qualities of the job position for bf was or in your case, girlfriend. I let prospective people know what I was looking for. Lets say the job of dating partner might be part time and only might become full time. If applying for a job, you would want to know that right off the bat, right? It should be so in partnerships. Although at your age, there may be things you will like and things you won't like that are yet to be discovered and you will add these to your speech if they would break the deal. With a couple marrying, if one wants kids someday soon, they need to find someone as willing as them on the issue. But people don't think it important to talk, just to convince and change a persons mind later, and sometimes that is not possible. I lucked out and a sermon on Sunday got my ex thinking he wanted to have kids and we had been married six years before he agreed to it. Most women hang around asking their mates to start having kids and when the answer is no every time, at some point they want a divorce and a guy who wants kids. This stage can be skipped. If something is so important to you that it has to be spelled out or you experience a problem, then something needs to be spelled out. In your case, I would say it has something to do with the females expectations. Plus a healthy dose of the differences between males and females in their brain as to how they think. (This would apply to transgender as well) You are wanting to date to find out if you like a person or not. Girls at this age are more into dating as a status symbol, even feeling naked if there wasn't a guy walking by her side. So though it may sound stupid, next time you have a girl you want to check out, first do not use the word 'date', because females tend to believe it means you've fallen head over heels for them. So they apply everything they think should be in a good relationship, including 'the guy loves me so much he can't bear to be away from me so when I text, he'll be so hungry to hear from me that he just can't wait a second to respond. I did the same thing with adult men in their 50s, I told them I wasn't deciding yet on anyone to date, ut I would hang with them enough time for me to learn if the person sounded promising and then date a while to discover more stuff about the person or as soon as I see bad behavior, ending the relationship. I write relationship but its not one yet at this point. This is mutual association with. This you have to make clear to a girl you want to date. You should do the same with the girls bugging you now, who are thinking you've for some reason put their non existent dating relationship for you on hold. It may be after the fact, but its better late than never.
As for texting about mental health to you, it depends on what she's texting.Usually when a female tells a guy about a problem, she doesn't want him to fix it, just to listen. So listen, but if the speech is more than just complaining about an issue she has but about wanting to kill herself, at that point, all promises, vows and length of years as friends, fly out the window because if you don't say something to an adult who can schedule help from a professional, then she could become a statistic, another depressed teen who killed herself. Most depressed people have brains fully capable of producing the feel good hormones needed to deal with stress and stay out of depression. Many people are very good at hiding it. My oldest child hid it. We had a tight relationship and could talk about anything but this was never mentioned. Luckily there was never a suicide. But as an observant mom, there were no clues here. This girl may not be showing any symptoms to parents and others. You may be the only one who knows. Just ask if she's tired of it and wants to commit suicide. Ask her not to. Tell her you hope she gets better and then tell school counselor, your church pastor, or any adult you've comfortable with. If any adult doesn't take it seriously, then tell another. As for depression with no mention of suicide, you might say there are things one can do that take away depression. I can give you the detailed list if you want it. If a person tries these simple things like hugs, laughter, dancing, movement, singing, etc daily, there should be instant change. I use them myself when at the point I feel stressed. Most people do not have clinical depression which is their body born unable to create it own needed hormones to feel good. If a person used several of these ways per day, then in a week maybe sooner, the depressions is gone because you have added more of the ammo needed to deal with stress. Twisted thinking can bring a person to stress to. If a person has clinical depression meaning they require a medication of a facsimile of the hormone they can't produce, then its a sign they need to see a psychologist. People avoid that though because of hearing the voices against it saying it doesn't help and the side effects are bad. Well, those complaining are likely the ones who had nothing wrong with them in the first place. taking a medicine for something you don't need to treat is going to create problems for sure. So if you've shared ways to create more feel good hormones to replace their diminished supply, and they won't get better, its time for the school or their parents to know so they can be set up with help. In this case, you are helping even if they become angry at you. Remember that before mid twenties, their brain is compromised and unable to see things in a grown up fashion.

I know it may be hard to just speak up with these girls, but speaking and sharing is knowledge recieved and perhaps eventually the girls will learn how to approach relationships, how to hold conversation with another and so on. The more we keep inside and don't share, the longer and harder we make it on ourselves. I kept all my thoughts to myself. If I had shared how I thought about people, things, situations, and the right person eventually heard, I could have had some counseling help to work with my distorted thinking a long time ago. What I percieved as being one way was usually never right. I got a lot of things wrong about people and their intentions.

[view]

My friend invited me out and let me know that she was bringing another friend. From the beginning, I let her know I was an introvert and even that I prefer one on one. But, she’s cool and she has other friends so I can understand why she wants to bring us all together. But, I felt uncomfortable around them not because they weren’t nice. It’s because I feel anxious around new people. I also feel I couldn’t relate to what they were talking about. Like what they thought was funny I didn’t find any humor. They just seem to click and if I wasn’t there I think it would not made a difference. I’m someone prefer one on ones but I realize people have other friends. My question is do I let my friend know I have social anxiety. Should I feel bad that I don’t want to hang out in a group. They were all extroverted too. I’m introverted and I’m shy. I’m trying to work on it because I want to be able to hang out with my friends friends in a group setting. I’ve done it before with other friends. It is possible but today I just maybe felt like I did fit in with the group.

I was like you in school and it never occurred to me to say something. Then again, social anxiety either wasn't recognized yet when I was that age, or blindly taught to not exist. So I couldn't tell my friends. And I know how it felt to feel like the odd man there, with having no clue what others were talking about. I started as an introvert and was shy. End of HS, I decided I wanted to be an introvert like Dad, as that would be helpful in being an adult. Mom was introverted, never changed. I was too uncomfortable with how I felt so I set out to change that. Telling your friend might help, so do that. However you'll have to update as things occur as to what you are and are not comfortable with. Now realize that your friends will be making accomedations for you so you don't have to change at all. If you ever get to a place where you are ready to grow out of your anxiety, without medication, so that other people don't have to worry about if they are doing something that's too hard for you. I am not being mean here. You must take the path that you felt most important for you to be on right now. Then if you ever want the recipe I followed at my own pace to overcome my social anxiety, let me know and I will share that with you. If you request it, go to my column and choose the button to write me from there.

[view]

<<< Previous Advice Column
Next Advice Column >>>
eXTReMe Tracker