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Attend a funeral during covid
My mom just died and plans are underway for a church service for her. Given the corona virus, I can't say that I'm too keen on hanging out with a bunch of people in a church. I would imagine that there's be lots of crying and hugging involved. I also live with an old man that will certainly die if I catch it and end up giving it to him. I smoke a lot, so I might die myself. Also, I'm an empath and can absorb other people's emotions and feel them as my own. This is already very painful for me and that's just MY emotions. Let alone also feeling the emotions of others. Which can be overwhelming. I don't really know how tough I can be. But I really don't want to be in that environment. Not going I feel would be disrespectful to my mom. But then there's a lot of reasons not to go. I'd feel bad about not going, but I'd also be very anxious and uncomfortable cause of the virus and I'm not sure how much emotion I can handle. So I guess my question is, should I just go and risk the virus and the emotions? or just mourn her from home?
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What would your mother have wanted for you? My guess is that she would prefer that you didn't expose yourself or your "old man" to the pandemic and risk your own possible death.
There are many other ways to show your respect and love for her, including making a donation in her name, carrying on something she did that would have pleased her, writing something that might be read at the funeral, making a short video to be screened, and more.
Many people have been reluctant to attend any sort of gatherings right now, because of the pandemic, and you most likely wouldn't be the only one not to be there.
You don't want to go for multiple reasons, so I encourage you and support you in not going. Good wishes, Dr. Stephanie
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First, my condolences for your Moms passing. I can't imagine how hard it would be to lose someone and have to worry about a funeral. It seems a funeral is one thing that helps bring closure. I don't know who is in charge of planning this funeral but the smart thing would be to mark pews or chairs as you find in a Drs. office. I see seats marked 'don't sit here' and 'sit here for social distancing. A family who lives under the same roof don't need to social distance from each other but assigning ushers to enforce this would be best as well as requiring masks. I know this doesn't sound like help but it is one option. The other would be to do the same thing some smart churches have done. They filmed the service for parishoners to view on line. I know weddings are sometimes filmed, but haven't heard of funerals done that way. But theres no reason why that can't work for you. I know people might expect you there but when my Mom died, I know how wrung out I felt with no tears left, dry cries. That was long in the past... but I am just saying it might be the best option. If you could tape yourself on the computer and have a tech person to play that at the funeral, you could explain why you felt you couldn't be there in person and still be able to share with others things you'd like to say about your Mom. It doesn't matter if other family don't like the idea if you do, you have to think of yourself first. You don't need other deaths in the family, like your own.
On the side, if the old man you live with, hasn't got his vaccine yet, you qualify to get it taken because you can answer yes to the question do you live in a multi generational household, meaning there is or are people who are 65 and older. I know it doesn't help for the funeral. My last thought is to check with all people who have been informed of the death that the funeral will be taped and put on line for those who wish to view and anyone who wishes to say something about her, should tape themselves on their computer and send to whoever is planning the event. Photos of Mom can then also be shown recent or all from childhood on. Facts that others may not know about her can be shared. Did that when Dad passed. He used to be an elevator operator long ago for a while so I shared that among other stuff. My ex husbands mother died a couple months ago of old age, late 90s and had dementia. The family is small so no funeral was planned. The 3 sons did not want to bother going through all of that for just the sons, husand, me and grandkids. So all I could do was pray and hope Angels carried my message to her...that I'll miss her but am glad she's no longer trapped in her body. I know so many with family that died of covid could not have funerals or go to hospitals for visits. It is very sad we have to change and adapt to this temporary inconvenience but many have had to. Whatever you choose, I hope it works out well.
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Good question and one that's hard to find a real answer for. The Covid situation is very real but funeral homes have taken more precautions than any other business because of the disease and the deceased people with it that they have done services for.
Most have limited funerals at least here to 10 people total and you had to register those ten people with the funeral home and make sure they showed up to be the only ones present in the actual venue 6 feet apart on chairs with masks.
That's the same for viewings. They may divide that into two so you get 20 people over course of two hours. It's all synchronized to avoid possibility of picking up the disease. Low risk.
I think your mother would understand on that level and that you're terrified of giving it to an elderly man you live with by mixing with others even at a funeral service. She would be happy you put him first.
Also, I'm sure she knows that this is a hard thing for a young person to go through and that you don't want a traumatic memory of a funeral about her. She would understand if it's just too overwhelming and that you can't handle it.
I doubt anyone wouldn't understand this or think you didn't care enough. Here's what I would do. I would insist to others that you are writing the eulogy for her but have asked someone to read it on your behalf because you cannot get through this and feel traumatized. Tell them you aren't able to be in the room and also worry about the at risk person you live with for COVID.
In fact, they themselves may think it's a risk to go that they can't take. That's why you can also register for a video linkup to the actual service. You can consider that as an option or have it filmed somehow so when you are ready you can see it and process it on your own. Your mom knows you and would understand.
If part of her legacy is you quitting smoking or fixing any destructive habits or getting rid of negative things or people in your life that's a blessing. Smoking is difficult to quit but if this helps you conquer it and her passing as well as life inspires you to keep at it that's a connection to her you will remember as being positive during what is the worst of circumstances. Be well.
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