Member Since: April 19, 2021
Answers: 179
Last Update: June 27, 2022
Visitors: 6811
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There's this guy from school who suddenly texted me out of nowhere saying hey! Big fan here. We started texting more late nights and I got attached. In the beginning he was very sweet to me and all. We would send heart emoticons to each other. After few days he confessed to me he likes me. But sometimes he would flirt with me saying I feel like giving you a hug from behind. In between we had a fight but then I sorted it out. After that he started telling me he is busy again and again but whenever we would text about about wwe or football because I like it. He tells me you are so awesome, Let's marry. Then tells me he is kidding. Then he asked me should he propose I told him I dont feel the same way. Recently he asked me If I am a virgin. I got mad at him confronted saying this was disrespectful he told me sorry and deleted the text and I blocked him on instagram. He whatsapped me saying thought you were mature enough and blocked me there.Now I've rekindled things with him. Few days he texted me but now he is ignoring me. Should I block him again? (link)
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Having read your description twice, I got the impression that the two of you have never met in person. Am I right? It reads just as you described it, "flirting". It seems he is on again / off again, and that he's leading up to the possibility of having sex with you, despite not having much of a relationship, if any.
There is a huge difference between an on-line relationship and one in person. I wouldn't even call this a "relationship", to tell the truth.
Its more like on-line flirting.
I think you should do whatever you like, about blocking him, or not. And yes, I do agree that he was being disrespectful by intruding on your privacy, (asking about the status of your virginity). The suggestion is that he is perhaps leading up to whether he can have sex with you, rather than developing any kind of relationship first.
Personally, I don't think he's worth your time.
Good wishes, Dr. Stephanie
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One of my classmate said,"Fuck you, Ferrari" Because I didn't attend the party which was arranged for the entire class. Now I am not able to understand what it actually mean Or what is trying to say to me! Please help me out.
I am from India and english isn't my first language. (link)
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It would seem your classmate was cursing you for not going to the party, something i think was totally uncalled for, as well as very rude.
I have no idea why the Name "Ferrari" was included, unless its your actual name.
When a party is arranged for a whole group of people, it isn't required that you must attend.
Your classmate was very unkind, rude, and out of line, meaning that what they said was totally inappropriate.
Please don't try to spend any more time or energy trying to figure this one out, or to fix it in any way. Instead, if I were you, I'd avoid this class mate and move on to kinder, nicer and more polite people.
Good wishes, Dr. Stephanie
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I am a 33 year old female and my step-dad is the only dad I have ever known because my mom and divorced when I was 3 and died when I was at the age of 12. My step dad has been in my life since I was 5 and he is the one one who has really been there . The thing is I don't know if this is possible at the age of 33 . We didn't do it when ias little because we didn't want to hurt my dad's and Granny's my dad's mom feelings? I get surviors benefits off my dad would that stop if I changed my name ? I get regular disability would I have to start all over if I changed my name? (link)
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Your wish to change your name is quite legitimate. You can do so, but it is a legal matter. For disability,you would need to contact your provider and request information on their requirements for a name change.
You will probably have to go through social security, to make sure you continue to qualify for benefits of any kind now or in the future, but they are almost impossible to reach these days. You can do so on line, you can try calling, you can mail them, but to get an in person interview is quite difficult.
I would urge you to consult an attorney, even if you have to pay someone, to be sure you don't shoot yourself in the foot.
You can just go ahead and start using whatever name you wish, otherwise.
Good luck, Dr. Stephanie
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Most of my family never wants me to have a kid.They dont do this with other family members and im not overly young,being in my mid 20's.The've told me that i'm not smart enough to raise a child and that reproducing would be cruel.Am I in the wrong for wanting to cut them out of my life for this? I've always wanted a family and it deeply pains me that they disapprove of the idea so much. (link)
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I am so sorry that you and your family are at such odds. Surely, there is much more to this story than what you have shared?
You said nothing, for example, about whether you are married or single, partnered or not, whether you are ready to support a child until the age of eighteen, whether you even know about how much this will cost and what kind of income and savings you will have to do this, etc.
If "most" of your family is against this, why do they say you aren't "smart enough"? Have you ever been diagnosed with a limited I.Q.,? So many unanswered questions.
Do you think they are serious or jolking? If "most" of them feel this way, there has to be some kind of reason that would be valid, at least , to them.
You may choose to cut them out of your life, but think carefully about doing this, as it will affect not only you, but any future children you may have.
You aren't wrong for always having wanted to have a family, including having your own children. But I haven't read anything,yet,from you, about your level or readiness , maturity, ability to parent, educate, not to mention supporting children financially. Instead, I hear that more than one other family member thinks its not a good idea, and if this is so, if its "most of them", then there has to be some sort of good reason behind their positions.
Before you choose to sever all your family ties, which will be painful for you, as well as for them, consider this: how about consulting a family counselor? If a trained professional counselor could work with all of you together, as well as individually, perhaps this sad conflict could be resolved in a less drastic way,and everyone, including yourself, might come out of it getting more of what they wish.
Good luck, Dr. Stephanie
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Lucky 17M dating incredible 17F. My girl’s sister goes with us on most dates because the sister broke up with her guy (who was awful). Used to go on double dates which is why I know the dude was truly awful and no good for her. My girl and her sister are twins but not identical just similar. Very different personalities. My girl is sweet and modest and so kind and more religious. She can be a tease but she is serious about waiting on sex and I know I have to just be patient and know the teasing is just for fun. Her sister is blunt and likes to say and do things for shock value and has had bad relationships and admits she is not a virgin. She has a bad reputation which is sad but some of that is bogus and due to jerks talking trash. Had to punch one jerk over it and got detention. Even though she is not the extreme bad girl people seem to think the sister is constantly flirting with me and trying to make me horny and flustered which makes my girl laugh cause she knows how much I am struggling with my own sexual frustration to begin with in the first place. My girl likes getting me flustered too because she knows I will behave no matter how much they make me squirm. She says she is proving to her sister that good boys can be fun too. It is kind of a fantasy for some guys to be with two girls I know and I have had those thoughts but I am not trying to go there and I think the sister is all talk and just likes being affectionate and touching a lot because she does not have a guy of her own and sees how I treat her sister and thinks it would be fun to seduce a nice guy. People can be cruel and spread rumors we are all three having sex together but no one is having sex. The parents keep a very close eye on me and we spend all our time mostly at their house. I think the parents think I am low IQ for some reasons because they talk to me like I am just a silly boy who is friend to both of their daughters. I know it is weird and hard to explain but it is not like that. My girl is my girl and her sister is nice but just her sister to me. It is funny when the sister says inappropriate things just to mess with me mentally and I literally do not know how to react. It is so obvious what she is doing. She told my girl in front of me they should learn to give oral sex practicing on me. Not serious but obviously it put that idea into my head which was frustrating. Watch movies and videos together and they both lay on me and cuddle a lot, including heads on my shoulder or chest and in my lap sometimes. Lots of whispered jokes about my erections during cuddling. A lot of kisses on the cheek and shoulder. It is nice but makes me confused to say the least. Nothing is going to happen no matter how much she teases and flirts with me because I would never betray my girl and I don’t think the sister would actually go there no matter how much she jokes. Do not blame all my sexual frustration on the sister because my girl teases me a lot too just because she likes to know how desperate I am to do it even though we are virgins by choice. Try to create time for just me and my girl but she always ends up inviting her sister to join us and tells me it is important to include her because she is lonely and does not have a nice guy and if she is with us she will be less likely to reach out to someone who is not a good guy for attention. Got bonus points from my girl when I got them both stuff for valentines so the sister did not feel left out. Sister joked I was her boyfriend in her dreams. Asked if she really meant that and she made a joke of it said she doesn’t date virgins even in her dreams. Don’t mind paying for them both when we go out and I have money for that from a good job where I get good tips. Want to stay on good terms because if I ever marry my girl we will be family and because she is deep down a good person who just likes to mess with me because I am what she calls a “church boy.” Not like a perfect oh so great guy though like I am trying to seem amazing. They put up with my annoying ADHD and OCD mannerisms. They both come to my soccer games and sometimes practices so I get the benefit of two fans. They have a good relationship as sisters and I think that is cool, but it still feels weird sometimes. If I had a twin brother, I would not invite him to go with me and my girl on all our dates or let him lay his head on my girl’s shoulder or lap or cuddle with her and me on a couch watching Netflix or youtube. Not asking about giving up being a virgin or trying to initiate something with the sister because not being faithful to my girl is just not going to happen and not what this post is about so please do not make replies about that. Just need advice on how to deal with the right now situation and be a good boyfriend, a good friend to her sister, and a good guy who wants to have more privacy but may not get it. (link)
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Hi There. Your message is a long one and I've found myself creating an almost equally long response.. So, let's begin:
1. Sex: You are both seventeen. Unless I am unfamiliar with the laws where you live, it is a felony to have sex with a minor, even if you are one, yourself. Its called statutory rape and can get you in a whole lot of trouble (even if your partner(s) are willing, for the rest of your life, if you were to do this and get caught. And yes, most likely, you would be discovered.
2. The twin sister: She is BAD NEWS, my friend ! She crosses the line, flirts with you, hangs with undesirables, is sexually active although she, too, is legally still a minor, and you end up getting in trouble over it (detention). She "messes with you mentally" (whatever this means), and what else? I can tell you she needs to be avoided, (other than family gatherings or double dates) even if she is your girl's twin sister. Maybe ESPECIALLY, because of it. She's a tease, oversteps the boundaries of good behavior, and more. Regardless of how nice you are trying to be, or the fact that the twins are bound at the hip, you do NOT need to lying around with or interacting with both of them as you described.
3. Your girl includes her sister in your activities together, but even if done out of kindness, there's something weird and inappropriate about a menage a trois, a "group of three" in your new dating life. They may be twins, but they should not have to be joined at the hip, nor drag you into their follies, unless you really want to do this yourself. And apparently, you don't.
4. OCD and ADHD: you say you have both? They are NOT related. ADHD is a neurological transmitter imbalance, not curable,often inherited, but manageable with a combination of medication and behavior modification techniques, if one wishes to do something about it. OCD has many theoretical causes, some thinking it is psychological in origin, others that it may actually have a genetic origin. It is also treatable through a combination of therapy and sometimes medication.
5. You want more privacy, while being a good guy and a good friend to your girl's sister, both commendable:but expecting you to be so involved with both of them is too much to ask for , from the twins. They may have done everything together up until now, but I would never expect them to share you as a boyfriend.
So, I think the time is at hand for you to set some more appropriate boundaries with the twins, and express what you are comfortable with, where you would prefer some privacy with your girl, not being so responsible for taking care of her sister's social life , etc.
The twins may never have learned to separate from one another, but unless you are fine with things as they are, (and you aren't) someone needs to set limits here. And apparently, it isn't going to be either of them.
Consider that the two of them may have become so grown together over a lifetime, with no one else setting appropriate boundaries, that you may not achieve any changes in their behavior, their inclinations , if not insistence, to live their lives joined at the hip.
Are you ready to express your limits and stick to them? If not, if you aren't willing to walk away, if they refuse to stop including the sister, or sharing you, then don't say a word and live with things as they are.
The choice will be yours, as neither of them seem to think there's anything inappropriate about the "happy threesome" that's developed.
I wish you the best, and I hope that whatever you decide to do, it will serve your own best interests as your topmost priority.
So, if you agree with me that you do not want to continue playing "threesome" with the sisters, then what are you to do? I'd suggest first having a private talk with your girl and letting her know that while you care about her sister, you are no longer willing to share the private time you have with your girlfriend ,with her sister too. Sure, you can split some ice cream with the two on occasion, but all the rest? No way. Indeed, I think both you and your girl are being shortchanged under the present circumstances. Your present arrangement isn't healthy for any of you.
Your girl may or may not be willing or even able to comply, and if so, be prepared and ready to act , if it means walking away from both.
Good luck and good wishes, Dr. Stephanie
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I had a crush on this guy from school. Met him in 12th tuts. From first day of tutions he started flirting with me. He would wink at me text me flirty emoticons. Then he brokeup after few days. After breakup with his girlfriend he started staring at me. I was staring at him once making it obvious. He would stare at me and smile a lot. One day he was staring and smiling I reacted negatively. Since then he stopped staring. He would stare at me without smiling whenever I would dress up nice. Whenever his guy friend would compliment me. One day I entered the class and his friend said " Go sit beside him (my crush) the same day my crush sat next to my friend who is a girl to make me jealous. He would reduce texting me. Then when he got to know I felt jealous he would stare at me from far away with sad eyes. One day he was sitting next bench and was staring at me till I look at him but I never looked that way. His friends started teasing him with my name. Then Lockdown happened. I would text him long messages he would reply with 1 emoticon. He would be very cold in text I would type friend in it. I friendzoned him on text even called him bro. He would comment on my pictures rarely. He would always observe me what I was posting in stories etc. I even saw him in dating apps. After lockdown I shifted my from college to his. I had avoided him whenever I used to go to his college for document work. He would always act mad. Then when college happened offline to remove the awkwardness I said hi he gave me handshake. He glares at me when I am alone and avoids when I am around people.He again stared at me but this time with attitude. Next day he came upstairs and started roaming around corridoor. He is now trying to get my attention. Why is he now not talking to me and avoiding me. Did he ever like me or is he just playing games? He has dated 3 girls in the past and our parents are friends.We dont text each other at all now. I had unfollowed him in between after few days he sent me req. (link)
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I wish you had included your age. I gather that you are a student, but you assume we know what you mean by "TUTS" or "TUTIONS",which we don't. All this sounds like a tempest in a teapot, which is to say, lots of time, thought and attention paid to what's going on with him with regard to you. So far, you haven't said one thing about him that would suggest either that he has anything to offer you, or that he's even interested in you. "Winking" and sending "Flirty emoticons"? Well, maybe, but that's miniscule , when compared to talking with you, spending time with you, etc. So what is it that makes you so interested in this guy, to begin with? My guess is that you needn't worry at all about "what's going on with him", and that some of your time and energy might be better placed in interacting with others who have more personality and social skills than this poor soul. Oh, and don't neglect your studies, which is why you are there, in the first place.
Dr. Stephanie
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I have a guy that I have liked for quite some time and I think he's a bit of a jerk then I'm confused about what to think about him. In person he seems to like being around me or sometimes finds ways to be near me. We don't talk much. He might be autistic but I'm okay with that. A few years ago I overheard him saying he thought I was hot to one of my friends and it gave me some hope about him lol. I'm in my 30's and he is in his late 20's. I tried reaching out to him via message and he has ignored me. I also asked for private dance lessons from him and he felt fattered and suggested someone else. Overall I'm trying to make friends with him. Today I reached out to him trying to invite him to a group and he never messaged me about it. SO again he ignored me. Does he not like me? Is it because we don't talk much? I've been trying to open up to him in person. I remember trying to get near him then he immediately moved then tried to summon me towards him then he walked back to me.
Overall I can't help but think he's fake. Is it because I don't talk to him much is the reason why he won't talk to me via messenger? When I'm around certain friends he usually comes around to talk to my friends. I'm trying to open up to him but I feel like he's just going to reject me. I'm really upset and frustrated by it, but idk why he keeps looking at me or does what he does...? (link)
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So. You asked why "he is like this". I think it doesn't matter why, the fact is, he isn't responsive, doesn't reach out to you, shows little or no interest in you at all.
Whether he's autistic , or not, it seems to me that its far more likely that he just isn't into you, as they say.
You are doing all this hard work to reach out and get something going with him, but even if he did respond, which he isn't doing, what's there for you?
He's uncommunicative, unresponsive, passive, if not avoidant.
Either he doesn't have as much interest in you as you do in him, or he doesn't have the capacity to develop a relationship with you. And either way,you lose.
You are in your thirties? Why, at an age when you should have some maturity and other options, are you putting all this work time and effort into developing a relationship with him, when , clearly, he has so little offer you, whatever the reason(s) may be.
Whether he's "fake" or not, as you put it, it doesn't matter; what does matter is that you appear to be wasting a lot of time, effort and energy into connecting more deeply with him, when it just isn't happening.
Isn't it time you put that energy into something or someone else where there might be some reciprocation?
Good luck, Dr. Stephanie
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There is this guy who knows I like him. He glares at me. He tries to make me jealous. He makes fun of me behind my back. He tries to appear in front of my eyes but ignores me. He gives me one word replies when I text him. Now I hate him a lot. But what is the reason guys behave like this with girls. If he doesnt like me back why cant he just ignore me. Why does he glare. (link)
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Hi. From your description, I gather that you are both very young teenagers, emphasis on "very young".
Immature guys are awkward. They really don't have their social skills developed yet, and often, they say or do things that might be completely inappropriate, such as teasing, etc.
It could be that he likes you; or, maybe not that much! From your description of him, it makes me wonder what YOU like about HIM !
His "glaring" could be for any number of reasons, including that he has a problem with his vision and might even need some glasses ! Or, its his awkward and inappropriate way of expressing interest in you.
The bottom line is that you'll never know. I wouldn't lose to much sleep over this, or him, in any case. He doesn't sound like such a winner to begin with.
Good wishes, Dr. Stephanie
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I’m 14 (trans male) and I have a bf (14, trans male), and I know we may be a bit young but I really want to propose to him. He’s definitely the one for me. And I could imagine loosing him, and I want to make a promise to keep so what should I do? Should I hold off or just go for it? (link)
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Your feelings are what they are, regardless of your young ages. So respect and honor them. Do know, however, that because of your young ages, your feelings are highly likely to change over time, despite how strongly and definitely you feel about them right now.
You didn't say how long you've felt this way or whether your feelings are equally returned.
There's an alternative ,however: if your bf feels the same, you might consider exchanging something like promise rings, which could be made of anything, and this would make each of you feel more committed to the other, at least for now.
Do know that people even twice as old as you have relationships that may be passionate and appear to be lasting forever...then one or both people end up changing and changing their minds. It happens.
And your gender identifications have nothing to do with it, its about people of all stripes.
As to whether you should hold off , or not, nothing ventured, nothing gained? Its a risk, if you act on your feelings; but only you can decide whether its worth it , or not.
Good luck, Dr. Stephanie
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Hi there. I cannot believe I am writing this but here goes. It is sort of a weird role reversal sexual harassment reality check. I am not trying to get anyone in trouble. I think I might be part of the problem, but now I am sort of the focus in an unwanted way. Either way, I am not sure what to do about it.
I am a 16-year-old straight white male (he/him/his). I have a part-time job after school and on weekends as a lifeguard at our YMCA. It is a GREAT job. It was a very competitive process and I am the only one my age they have ever hired at our location.
I am also one of only a few male lifeguards here. I am not sure why they hire mostly female guards and I am not accusing anyone of anything. My mom thinks it is because female guards are better with kids. Does that mean my mom is sexist? Just kidding.
As I said, it is a GREAT job. I am confident with my swimming, rescue skills, and CPR training. I have had some awesome moments helping people. I do not want to do anything to jeopardize this opportunity.
It does not hurt that the female lifeguards (including my boss) are very attractive and fit. Even though I am younger and off limits they have until now had a good attitude and don’t treat me like a kid. There is a lot of flirting and innuendo during meetings and training when we are together as a group (which surprised me with a group that is mostly females). Maybe it is sexist for me to be surprised. Not sure what to think. Either way, I do a lot more blushing than flirting back.
If I get a normal compliment around others sometimes I don’t know how to react, so I do this goofy thing where I flex my beginner biceps and say “oh yeah” like a cocky body builder and it gets a laugh and some whistles because it is more like I am poking fun at myself because I am only 5 foot 8 inches tall and 130 pounds and more of an ectomorph body type with a shy personality. It is just a goofy thing I do to cover being nervous while I stand there half naked in front of pretty girls. Even though I have multiple crushes going on in my mind I would never try anything with the female guards at work or my boss.
The issue is more about an awkward incident and how it was handled. We were standing poolside in a half circle facing our supervisor in our swimsuits ready for a weekly training. Just before she started talking one of the female lifeguards was describing some tatoo she had seen to another female lifeguard and she took me by the arm and pulled me toward them and said she needed to “borrow” my arm and she traced some design on my shoulder and upper arm with her fingernail. Right after this our meeting started. I already had the hots for her and her touching my arm like that gave me an instant and insane boner right there in front of everyone.
Normally I wear compression shorts underneath my swimsuit to avoid this very issue and keep myself from tenting. The swim shorts are loose enough to hide even serious bulges as long as I am wearing the compression shorts underneath. I did not have my compression shorts on that day though and my swim shorts were tenting outrageously. People were starting to laugh and stare and the more I realized the girls were noticing the more intense it got. I started looking around behind me for something to hold in front of me to hide my problem and my supervisor yelled at me to pay attention and asked what I was looking for. A girl glanced down to make my boss look down and said “I think he is looking for cover.”
For some reason my supervisor got mad at me like I was a pervert and causing trouble and told me to “leave now” and go “take care of it” and that everyone would “be waiting” until I “fixed” my “problem.” Everyone laughed of course. I said, “Are you serious?” And she yelled “Now Jacob!” It echoed so loud. I was humiliated.
I left and went to a private bathroom in our break area and masturbated as fast as I could and got myself back to normal. When I came out of the bathroom most of my fellow guards were standing around the bathroom door staring at me as I came out grinning at me like they caught me doing something. One girl asked if I “enjoyed myself.” The girl who traced on my arm said it was a “very cute boner” and she was flattered (which was nice but awkward). We went back to training and the cold water kept things from being a problem the rest of the day.
The problem is that now people are constantly making jokes about me having a boner and handing me things when I stand up in case I “need cover.” The girl who drew on my arm winks and waves every single time someone makes a joke about me getting boners (which tends to cause one all over again). Apparently I blush really easy which just encourages the comments. I smile and try to act all cool and don’t complain, but it makes me feel like a weird pervy horndog or some teenage boy they just like to tease and don’t take seriously anymore.
It is not my fault I got an erection. Not wearing compression shorts that day was my fault. I get that. I should have known better. I also need to calm down I guess when a girl just touches me innocently and is not doing anything sexual. I can't explain why I reacted that way. To be honest, it does not take much.
My issue is I feel like being told in front of everyone to go masturbate and make everyone wait until I was done was not right. I just needed to find something to hold in front me until we were in the water. Instead of being discreet my boss made it the total focus of everyone’s attention. She is still acting mad at me like I am a troublemaker. I feel like she should have handled it better.
I am sure women go through a lot worse in the workplace and it is not like people are trying force me to have sex or rape me or molest me, but I feel like it is kind of harassment in a way. Maybe I should just man up, keep quiet, and not say anything to her and just hope she stops being mad at me. Maybe she is embarrassed and does not know what to say. I don’t feel like I can talk to my mom about this or anyone at work. My school friends would totally laugh at the situation. Is it just an awkward sucky experience I need to get over? I am not even sure what I would say if I do talk to my supervisor. It would be awkward as hell. I still like her and I don’t want to cause her stress or make her not like me.
Any advice?
Thank you, Jacob. (link)
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First, Jacob, I admire you , both for being so articulate and willing to share what was clearly a mortifying experience for you. Here is my take on what happened and what you might do about it.
You already know that you need to wear compression shorts consistently, so we'll dispense with this.
I think your supervisor was terribly wrong and handled things badly. She really actually owes you an apology, although I doubt if you'll get one. She could have at least asked you to step into her office and speak to you privately, for a start.
Again, your supervisor was wrong not to call out the girl who touched you, which was also inappropriate and out of line.
You did NOTHING wrong, yourself, other than forgetting to use the shorts.
The question is what to do now? You have a couple of options, including doing nothing.
Or: you can ask to speak to your supervisor in private and inform her that you were deeply embarrassed by her comments, apologize for neglecting to wear compression shorts, assure her that it won't happen again , but if it did, that you would appreciate not being called out in front of everyone, when she could have spoken to you either in private or not at all.
You might also mention that you feel it would be up to her to ensure that unwanted touching from colleagues is also not acceptable, while on duty.
Depending upon whether you are taken seriously, offered a much due apology, whether there is a change in behavior to follow, or not, may influence your remaining choices.
And I do think you should do SOMETHING, since this has clearly been bothering you, and rightly so.
Your other options are:
1. Speak to the girl who touched you , and tell her it was uncomfortable for you and ask politely that she never do that again.
2. If your supervisor is unresponsive ,unapologetic, or anything else, you have the option to go to HER supervisor, explain what happened and how uncomfortable you still are about it, or what may happen next. Keep in mind, though, that this may have repercussions for you, with your current supervisor and decide whether its worth it or not. Ideally, it may put her in her place and cause her to change her ways, plus give you an apology.
Lastly, leave. This will not be the only job in the world, and you would certainly be entitled to seek another, where things will be handled more professionally by your supervisor.
Do not be too hard on yourself! Outside of forgetting your shorts, you were not responsible for any of this.
And I KNOW, without a doubt, that you won't ever be as forgetful again.
So good luck and good wishes, Dr. Stephanie
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Okay, I'm gonna start off by saying I've been through literal hell with my mental health. In my past, I've attempted, contemplated, and fantasized about suicide too many times to count (which I haven't done either of those three again in years, so don't worry!).
I can vividly remember having anxiety issues as far back as first grade.
I've never had the psychotic issues with my mental health, but I've mainly just dealt with too much depression and anxiety issues than I could handle at some points in my life.
Anxiety and social anxiety were a little worse than my depression even though my depression was absolutely awful. I used to not be able to even set foot in Walmart it was so bad. I couldn't speak on the phone. I used to not be able to even drive.
I've had mental health professionals tell me in the past that I need to apply for disability benefits.
But I worked my ass off everyday after I was told that (not that anything's wrong with being on disability. I just always wanted to work all my life). I fought for myself through blood, sweat, and tears, at times relapsing, but I went back for it.
After so much fighting for myself, I've now been working full-time as a certified personal care aide (even managed to successfully learn in a classroom setting) taking care of the elderly (I've worked in home healthcare and in a facility), I'm a prenursing student, I make phone calls with no problem, I can go anywhere no matter how many people, I can drive wherever I want even in traffic jams, etc.
I've done a lot of exposure therapy. Done a lot of talk therapy.
Now I have way more happy days than sad days. My depression still kicks my ass often, but I still have more happy days and my anxiety doesn't bother me anywhere like it used to.
***I said all this so you could know a little about me before you gave me advice on my college issue.***
Even though I've made so much progress in my life, I still basically have no self-esteem.
I don't think I'm pretty enough, I don't think I'm woman enough (biological female), I don't think I'm smart enough - I don't think I'm good enough in any area.
And how crap my self-esteem is affects my learning in college. I mean, I have no problem answering questions on a quiz, but when it comes to verbally explaining something or verbally answering a question, I can't do it for the life of me.
I think I still have some social anxiety issues left, but I also think I'm already convinced I can't answer it and explain it so I've already sabotaged my ability before I even tried.
I mean, I know I'm not straight up stupid because if I WAS, I wouldn't have been accepted to work towards the PN program, I wouldn't have passed my nursing entrance exam, and I wouldn't have good grades in my classes.
Do you have any advice on how to be better with verbally answering questions and verbally explaining the knowledge on a certain topic? Please and thank you, I appreciate so very much in advance!!! (link)
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First, I want to congratulate you on being such a determined survivor, which is clear. That you also have motivation,talents, and skills is also clear.
You asked, specifically, for advice about verbally answering questions and explaining your knowledge of a given topic, and yes, I DO have what I consider to be an excellent suggestion.
Find your local chapter and join Toastmasters. They are a group specifically designed to assist people with gaining confidence and public speaking skills. Whether or not you are "running for office", giving speeches somewhere, or simply wanting to hone your self confidence and speaking skills in general, they are open to everyone and to each purpose someone may have for joining.
I used it, long ago. And I had a specific goal in mind: passing my oral licensing exams to become a Licensed Clinical Social Worker. And guess what? It helped, and i DID pass !
You are clearly a determined goal setter and interested in self improvement, so give this a try?
Meanwhile, wherever you are in school, there are counselors available, usually at no cost to students with a minimum number of class units, which will also help support and guide you.
Lastly, if you are not currently on any medications, you just might wish to consider taking something for anxiety and/or other things, as recommended.
Good luck and good wishes! Dr. Stephanie
Good luck, good wishes,
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I live in South Georgia if that helps (link)
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Is this question from the person who asked about what to take to the zoo? Check with your ten day weather forecaster for where you live, and this will inform you as to what to wear and take. Have fun at the zoo ! ~Dr. Stephanie
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32 female
My sister is taking me to the zoo for my birthday even though my birthday is in April we are going in May because that's when my nephew gets out of school. I was wondering what do I need to bring for a day trip at the zoo? (link)
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This depends upon where you live. In some places you would do well to bring sun tan lotion, while in others, you may need a parka if its snowing!
Wear comfortable walking shoes. Take as much money as is available, and/or a credit card. Decide if you are going to buy food there or bring your own. A camera is always nice to have along.
Take a hat and/or sunglasses.
When I go somewhere with others, I also like to bring along something to do, such as a little book or crossword puzzles. You may find yourself having to wait around while they do something you don't want to do.
Lastly, take something comfortable to put your belongings in and travel light. E.G., a small backpack comes in handy . Enjoy yourself and being with your family! Dr. Stephanie
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My parents are so out of touch with healthy emotional control. They constantly invalidate my emotions about literally everything and tell me "I'm being dramatic," or when it devolves into an argument, "You're psycho." I can't confide in my mom, ever, and I've long since learned my lesson about that. I haven't told her something real about my life in years. However, I thought that my dad was at least a little more understanding. That changed, quickly. Even something small, like me saying "I'm bad at history, so I'm really proud that I got a good grade in APUSH this term" (yeah, I have to say that to myself because my parents would never say that to me, they don't even understand that people can just be bad at some things no matter how hard they try) devolves into them lecturing me about how if I want to be a lawyer, I have to learn how to be good at history. I don't even know if I want to be a lawyer. It's been my plan ever since probably elementary school, when I learned that a lawyer or a doctor were probably the only jobs that my parents will be proud of and that I sucked at science. But now I'm a junior and I don't want to be stuck doing something I hate for the rest of my life, but it's been my plan for so long that I don't even know what to do without it. Sorry, I digress. Even a small rant to my dad about how my best friend was being really judgmental about something really important to me he turns against me, saying I shouldn't be so sensitive. I knew that it wasn't that big a deal, I was just upset and wanted to let it out somewhere, definitely not on my friend, so I just vented my emotions. My dad said that I shouldn't even need to vent, because it wasn't that big a deal and I was being irrational. And I can see the effects of this, which freaks me out even more! I'm really touchy with my friends, I like draping myself all over them and hugging, but only if I'm hugging them. Other people hugging me makes me uncomfortable (or even them hugging back !! thus why I usually hug them from the back) and any deeper talks of affection or emotion makes me REALLY uncomfortable, and I feel like that's not normal or healthy??? Sorry, I don't even know if any of that was coherent, I think I just needed a place to rant, and clearly, I can't to any of my family. As for my friends, it's not that I don't trust them- logically, I know that they'll be understanding, but emotionally, I just can't make myself to open up to them. (link)
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Hi. I'm glad you wrote, because it sounds as if you have no one else to talk with, having received constant negative comments or put-downs from your parents. You also hold off on confiding to others.
You can't get water from a dry well. Your parents may and most probably mean well, but the pattern of negativity seems pretty well solidified. The message in this old saying is to stop trying !
You shouldn't be so concerned about the career path you will take, at this early stage. Instead, if you concentrate on getting good grades, this will keep the doors open for future choices. Indeed, many people aren't sure what they want to do, including those who have already gone to college and graduated !
It would be nice for you, if you were to find and keep at least one very good friend. This can make all the difference. Look for people who share common interests with you, and that you like and feel you can trust. And then, be willing to take some chances on trusting them.
And back to your future career choices: you and you alone are the only one who should choose what you wish to do, as you will have to live with it for the rest of your life.
As for your parents, you may be giving them "ammunition" by sharing your thoughts , feelings and plans or problems with them. Though you should be able to do this, in your case, it sure sounds as if it backfires every time you do? It takes two to have a conversation...
If I were in your shoes, I'd be interested in finding a part-time job after school or on the weekends. You are going to need your independence. And that means you are also going to need money. Start saving now! From your school grade, I'm guessing that you are probably about sixteen or seventeen, and this means you will only have a short time before you will be old enough, legally, to make your own choices and plans. And I predict that you will be leaving home as soon as you can. Your options could include going off to college, getting a room mate, even joining the military. Start exploring on your own, without having to deal with pressure from your parents.
You can talk about this with your school counselor, if you like. Soon, you will be of age, and then, the world will open up for you.Start preparing now, with money and information.
Good luck and good wishes! Dr. Stephanie
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I had a crush on this guy from school. Met him in 12th tuts. From first day of tutions he started flirting with me. He would wink at me text me flirty emoticons. Then he brokeup after few days. After breakup with his girlfriend he started staring at me. I was staring at him once making it obvious. He would stare at me and smile a lot. One day he was staring and smiling I reacted negatively. Since then he stopped staring. He would stare at me without smiling whenever I would dress up nice. Whenever his guy friend would compliment me. One day I entered the class and his friend said " Go sit beside him (my crush) the same day my crush sat next to my friend who is a girl to make me jealous. He would reduce texting me. Then when he got to know I felt jealous he would stare at me from far away with sad eyes. One day he was sitting next bench and was staring at me till I look at him but I never looked that way. His friends started teasing him with my name. Then Lockdown happened. I would text him long messages he would reply with 1 emoticon. He would be very cold in text I would type friend in it. I friendzoned him on text even called him bro. He would comment on my pictures rarely. He would always observe me what I was posting in stories etc. I even saw him in dating apps. After lockdown I shifted my from college to his. I had avoided him whenever I used to go to his college for document work. He would always act mad. Then when college happened offline to remove the awkwardness I said hi he gave me handshake. He again stared at me but this time with sad tired eyes. Next day he came upstairs and started roaming around corridoor. 0He is now trying to get my attention. Why is he now not talking to me and avoiding me. Did he ever like me or is he just playing games? He has dated 3 girls in the past and our parents are friends. Now he can stay days without texting me even I can. I had unfollowed him in between after few days he sent me req. (link)
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Hi. Thank you for directing your question to me. The only one I could find in your comments was about why he is avoiding you, right?
There's an old saying that actions speak louder than words. And his actions are saying, loudly and clearly, that he just isn't as interested in you , as you are in him.
Aside from some staring at you in class and occasionally smiling at you, he has really never said or done anything to reach out or , to make any meaningful contact.
So I wouldn't waste any more time even thinking about him.
Indeed, you described paying so much attention to him in class,and with so much detail, I wonder if you even heard what the teacher was saying? You got an "A+" in looking at and thinking about him, but what grade would you give yourself in the actual class you took?
In any case, its high time for you to move on and forget about this boy, who apparently has no interest, or even the capacity to have a conversation with you. His request, though you didn't say what he wanted, I assume it was to "friend" you, means very little. You are interested in him, but he has shown you nothing to be interested in.
Good wishes, Dr. Stephanie
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Hi there, I will attempt to keep this as brief as possible and explain it as well as I can.
F, 30 my partner is M, 36. We have been dating for about 9 months - most of this has been long distance with the exception of a few weeks in the summer and a few weeks in the winter when I was on holiday. I work overseas and the pandemic has made it impossible for us to see each other more.
I know this is not ideal for building a relationship and we are both aware that we will need some extended time together to get to know each other properly but we get along so well and there is such strong chemistry that we are willing to wait until I finish my work contract and head home in July.
Now the issue - I am worried that he may have some undiagnosed mental health issues. I am trying to be empathetic and listen to him and accommodate his irrational anxieties but he just gets himself so knotted up in his mind that he finds it hard to get out and then he becomes overwhelmed. My issue is that I am not sure empathy is what is needed in this situation - usually I would always advocate for empathy and trying to understand people because everyone has their own battles they are fighting. But in this particular situation I am finding it hard because I see his own behaviour as the cause of the very issues he is complaining about.
For example, he will postpone and wait until the last minute to do something or make a decision and then complain heavily about how hard and stressful it is for him. But it is his own doing that gets him to that point for not acting sooner. I have tried to communicate this with him but when I do he gets defensive and says I don't understand him and that I cannot empathise how hard things are for him...
I worry that this kind of person is not going to be able to support me emotionally in the future if and when I have my own struggles (which we all do eventually). But the other thing is that it's very hard for me to find someone that I actually like and connect with and before him it had been years of being alone. I don't know if it's worth quitting this relationship because of someone's struggles (because we all have them and none of us are perfect).
I would be perfectly happy to grow with him and help support him as he gets through things, but I don't know if I should be more honest in my opinions of him (mainly that he's causing his own problems) or just keep enabling and providing emotional support - not sure what would help more. It's hard to talk to him about anything that might feel like a criticism because he is so sensitive. Does he need empathy or does he need hard truths?
I'm not even sure what the question is here, I suppose if I were to summarise it would be:
1. I worry that this kind of person is not going to be able to support me emotionally in the future.
2. I don't know if it's worth quitting this relationship because of someone's struggles (because we all have them and none of us are perfect).
3. I don't know if I should be more honest in my opinions of him (mainly that he's causing his own problems) or just keep enabling and providing emotional support
4. Looking for perspective on how best to approach this type of person/situation, or if it's even worth trying.
Thanks you in advance for reading. (link)
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Thank you, for expressing yourself well and concisely delineating your concerns,which are sounding quite valid.
On the plus side, you say you have good chemistry. This is great. But chemistry alone will not resolve your concerns.
While it is good that you are empathic and supportive, this,too, is apparently not enough.
You do already understand that long distance relationships are notorious for not being successful. This, plus the issues you have identified auger poorly for the future.
You are trying to gauge whether your boyfriend's issues are serious enough to warrant ending the relationship, vs. continuing to remain supportive. But you also cited that you are "enabling" him, which is never a good thing. His defensive denials are also not a good thing.
There was no mention of any attempt on his part to seek professional help (therapy), nor from you, for that matter. But it seems that this would be an appropriate course of action to suggest, at the very least.
If he does seek help, which would be appropriate and legitimate, you could then wait and see which direction things may take over time,and as you also spend more time together.
But if not, I would strongly caution you to heed your own misgivings, as you are already concerned enough to consider ending the relationship and also because something like this isn't likely to change without professional help, in my opinion.
From your description, I'm not even sure he thinks this is a problem, as you do. He may change his mind, if you present him with the ultimatum that you will leave permanently, if he doesn't do something to seek help and resolve this issue. But do NOT do this, unless you are truly prepared to consistently follow through and take action.
Ultimately, you must decide if things don't change whether you are willing to live with this and him, as is. Realize that people don't work on changing because someone else thinks they have a problem, but only when it is truly recognized by themselves and they are motivated to own the responsibility for change.
It would be of interest, perhaps, for you to know more about his prior history not only with this issue, but how it has affected his past relationships.
And yes , everyone has problems and no one is perfect, as you said. But if this already concerns you and you haven't been together, really, except briefly, how would you feel if this became your full time, permanent situation? You may need to decide if you are willing to settle for things as they are.
Time will tell whether your misgivings might be resolved...or not. Good luck and good wishes, Dr. Stephanie
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My boyfriend has cheated on me although we have been together for only 1year I can't believe he did that. His ex-wife of 11 years may she RIP she passed cheated on him when they were together and when we started talking we both told each other that we were not to cheated on each other. But for some reason I had a feeling and I would never have done it but I looked in his phone and he's talking with 2 women and has had sex with one of them. What should I do
P.s he obviously doesn't know that I know (link)
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Clearly, you are unhappy and do not find his cheating acceptable, right? Don't you already know what to do?
You can expect that if he is a liar and a cheater, as you have found, that this is a defect in his character and that he will not be trustworthy now or in the future.
I would assume that if this were not to change, and it won't, that you are not up for putting up with this, or for believing anything he tells you in the way of either confession, promises to change, etc.
This is what you can expect to be the case with him, permanently, despite whwatever he may say to the contrary.
So...I'll leave the decision to you. But in the meantime, I strongly recommend that you stop having sex with him and get tested for STD's, immediately, even if you have no symptoms.
Good luck and good wishes, Dr. Stephanie
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My sister is so annoying. I'm tired of her stealing my money, using my credit card, and trashing my bedroom at school. I need to get rid of her. What should i do? (link)
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I agree with what "Dragonfly" has said, that you cannot continue to put up with your sister's behavior. You gave so few details, that its difficult to advise you further. And its unclear what you meant by "get rid of her". What are your ages? Why does she have access to your room at school? What kind of school is this, a boarding school? College dorm? What?
Meanwhile, take care of your credit card! No one should have access other that you, and its up to you to keep it with you out of her hands at all times. And that goes for your cash, as well.
There's more to this story, and I wish I knew what it is, so that we could better advise you. Dr. Stephanie
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This is kinda annoying but I was kinda interested in a guy who is younger than me and I am in my 30's and he is in his 20's. I don't think we are that far apart in age. He seems like a fun guy but from judging from what I can see he cares too much about what people think of him and I can see he has some growing up to do. I don't know this guy that well but he is in the dance community so I know him from seeing him and started becoming a dance teacher. Over the years I have seen him dance by me on purpose with friends or he's near me with his friends. I also think he knows that I like him and I have complimented him on his dancing. He said he was flattered when I told him I liked his dancing. In the past I have tried messaging him and he ignored me. But one thing that puzzles me is that he always seems to be around me and gets kinda nervous when he dances with me. His classes are fun, he seems like a fun guy and I can tell he's a pretty intelligent guy, so somehow I'm kinda an admirer lol. Needless to say I wish the guy was more interested in becoming friends or whatever. Another person I know said he is autistic. Most people I know who are autistic are smart people! Also I notice in class he does some backwards things but it could be just nerves or doesn't realize he does it. I'm just confused by him and why is he always by me. I think I have overheard him say in the past to one of my friends saying I was attractive but he said hot lol.
I know I sound judgmental but I just don't get him haha. What would you do? Leave him alone? Try to make a friend? I think he might be snobby with some of his friends and two-faced...?
Is he interested? Is he being a jerk? Why is he around me? He does smile a lot at me. Is he just as confused as I am? haha (link)
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You have lots of questions about this person, particularly whether he would be receptive, if you tried to make friends with him, or even more. The only thing I can suggest is that you will never know, unless you give it a try. If you are prepared for it to go either way,and so be it, you will have nothing to lose by reaching out to him. You cannot really know what's in his heart,whether he's interested in you, or not, etc., unless you do this.
And once you do, you will also have the opportunity to decide whether you, yourself, would be interested in having more of a relationship with him, or not. Good luck and good wishes, Dr. Stephanie
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I am a 22 years old female. my best friend is 29 and a male. we met during the beginning of the pandemic in 2020. we met online and were inseparable. we haven't met because we live in different countries but we have each other on social media and use use call all the time.. we were both going through so much at the time, we grew dependent on each other through the tough times. being the big age gap he helped me understand so much in my life. I was able to get help by going to therapy for my anxiety and depression. we have been best friends for almost 2 years. it's 100% platonic. he has had a girlfriend for about 10 months and she knows about me. there are no problems. the last time we spoke was January 22 we were suppose to play a video game but I fell asleep. when I woke up I messaged him and have not gotten a single reply back since then. I've texted him, messaged on social media and nothing. he completely ghosted me out of no where. a mutual friend we have told me they are still in communication. why did he leave me hanging? it's beyond painful im struggling so much to deal with this loss of friendship. I've been so sad the past week, I so desperately miss my friend. what do I do? (link)
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It sounds as if you think he ghosted you because you fell asleep and missed playing a video game? This doesn't sound reasonable...or true. Since your mutual friend has informed you that he's still living and breathing, we can only guess what the real reason might be.
I have a suspicion that it may have to do with his girlfriend and that she might not be as tolerant of his relationship with you, as you have thought. If this is the case, he at least owed you an honest explanation, and it was extremely rude and uncaring of him to simply drop you like a hot potato, out of nowhere.
I can also understand how his girlfriend might be concerned at the very least, or jealous, etc. of your friendship with him.
Here's what you do. You tell yourself that the person you thought was your dear friend really is someone else, someone who treated you badly in a way you didn't deserve. He apparently is not the person you thought he was. And as such, you don't need to feel so bad about losing him.
On line relationships are generally notorious for being unstable and not leading to much of anything in the long term, and its amazing that you and he have lasted this long, without ever having met in person in the first place.
Take the energy , time and attention that you invested in this person and find someone who is really available to you, who lives where you do, and who doesn't have another girlfriend.
This one is toast.
Good wishes, good luck, Dr. Stephanie
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