|
Should empathy have limits?
Hi there, I will attempt to keep this as brief as possible and explain it as well as I can.
F, 30 my partner is M, 36. We have been dating for about 9 months - most of this has been long distance with the exception of a few weeks in the summer and a few weeks in the winter when I was on holiday. I work overseas and the pandemic has made it impossible for us to see each other more.
I know this is not ideal for building a relationship and we are both aware that we will need some extended time together to get to know each other properly but we get along so well and there is such strong chemistry that we are willing to wait until I finish my work contract and head home in July.
Now the issue - I am worried that he may have some undiagnosed mental health issues. I am trying to be empathetic and listen to him and accommodate his irrational anxieties but he just gets himself so knotted up in his mind that he finds it hard to get out and then he becomes overwhelmed. My issue is that I am not sure empathy is what is needed in this situation - usually I would always advocate for empathy and trying to understand people because everyone has their own battles they are fighting. But in this particular situation I am finding it hard because I see his own behaviour as the cause of the very issues he is complaining about.
For example, he will postpone and wait until the last minute to do something or make a decision and then complain heavily about how hard and stressful it is for him. But it is his own doing that gets him to that point for not acting sooner. I have tried to communicate this with him but when I do he gets defensive and says I don't understand him and that I cannot empathise how hard things are for him...
I worry that this kind of person is not going to be able to support me emotionally in the future if and when I have my own struggles (which we all do eventually). But the other thing is that it's very hard for me to find someone that I actually like and connect with and before him it had been years of being alone. I don't know if it's worth quitting this relationship because of someone's struggles (because we all have them and none of us are perfect).
I would be perfectly happy to grow with him and help support him as he gets through things, but I don't know if I should be more honest in my opinions of him (mainly that he's causing his own problems) or just keep enabling and providing emotional support - not sure what would help more. It's hard to talk to him about anything that might feel like a criticism because he is so sensitive. Does he need empathy or does he need hard truths?
I'm not even sure what the question is here, I suppose if I were to summarise it would be:
1. I worry that this kind of person is not going to be able to support me emotionally in the future.
2. I don't know if it's worth quitting this relationship because of someone's struggles (because we all have them and none of us are perfect).
3. I don't know if I should be more honest in my opinions of him (mainly that he's causing his own problems) or just keep enabling and providing emotional support
4. Looking for perspective on how best to approach this type of person/situation, or if it's even worth trying.
Thanks you in advance for reading.
[ ]
Want to answer more questions in the Relationships category?
Maybe give some free advice about: Love Life?
Thank you, for expressing yourself well and concisely delineating your concerns,which are sounding quite valid.
On the plus side, you say you have good chemistry. This is great. But chemistry alone will not resolve your concerns.
While it is good that you are empathic and supportive, this,too, is apparently not enough.
You do already understand that long distance relationships are notorious for not being successful. This, plus the issues you have identified auger poorly for the future.
You are trying to gauge whether your boyfriend's issues are serious enough to warrant ending the relationship, vs. continuing to remain supportive. But you also cited that you are "enabling" him, which is never a good thing. His defensive denials are also not a good thing.
There was no mention of any attempt on his part to seek professional help (therapy), nor from you, for that matter. But it seems that this would be an appropriate course of action to suggest, at the very least.
If he does seek help, which would be appropriate and legitimate, you could then wait and see which direction things may take over time,and as you also spend more time together.
But if not, I would strongly caution you to heed your own misgivings, as you are already concerned enough to consider ending the relationship and also because something like this isn't likely to change without professional help, in my opinion.
From your description, I'm not even sure he thinks this is a problem, as you do. He may change his mind, if you present him with the ultimatum that you will leave permanently, if he doesn't do something to seek help and resolve this issue. But do NOT do this, unless you are truly prepared to consistently follow through and take action.
Ultimately, you must decide if things don't change whether you are willing to live with this and him, as is. Realize that people don't work on changing because someone else thinks they have a problem, but only when it is truly recognized by themselves and they are motivated to own the responsibility for change.
It would be of interest, perhaps, for you to know more about his prior history not only with this issue, but how it has affected his past relationships.
And yes , everyone has problems and no one is perfect, as you said. But if this already concerns you and you haven't been together, really, except briefly, how would you feel if this became your full time, permanent situation? You may need to decide if you are willing to settle for things as they are.
Time will tell whether your misgivings might be resolved...or not. Good luck and good wishes, Dr. Stephanie
]
More Questions: |