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Razhie. Advicenators Member Since: June 13, 2005. Answers: 5077. Visitors: 211514.
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The Question
I kind of like this guy who has a girlfriend. I respect that, but he does kind of flirt with me (always trying to get me into a conversation when we're alone, even though we don't know each other that well). He's always asking me questions, but I never start the conversation first, and try not to ask him questions so as not start any drama with his girlfriend (I've never talked to her, but I'm under the impression she doesn't like me very much.. or maybe that bitchy glare is on her face permanently and she can't do anything about it).
I really want to talk to him and get to know him, and I think he's taking my reservation for lack of interest, because it seems like he's almost given up talking to me. (Although I do my best with body language, you know, smiling, maybe bending over just right so he can have a chance to check me out, and he has definitely caught me checking him out before (and I him).
Anyways, I guess my question is, is it okay to flirt with him as long as it doesn't get physical? Its just that I feel a bit guilty later whenever I even talk to him. Oh, and I always greet him with a nice smile and a hello, which so far is the only thing I feel is okay to do to a guy in a relationship.
Oh, and him and his girlfriend have been together for a while, but I think they are totally wrong for each other and I don't know what he sees in her, she's way too young for him. (She's a few years younger than me, and even I'm borderline too young for him).
Me 18/f, him 24
The Answer
You have this a bit backwards:
Talking to a guy with a girlfriend is just fine. Go ahead and talk about 'friend' things as much as you'd like. Go ahead and start conversations if you guys have good, friendly conversations.
Physically flirting with him, making sure he gets a good angle, giving him encouraging body language and pawing at him and all that, is NOT okay.
Flirting really isn't okay. Althuogh sometimes we can't help it, we should always try too. And don't kid yourself, it’s already ‘gotten physical’. You are physically flirting and that’s wrong. You know you are doing it and you are trying to do it. That’s not cool.
Talking to him is how you get to know him as a friend.
Physically flirting with him is how you get yourself in trouble, and a bad reputation.
It's not nice, it's not friendly, and it's not dignified to deliberately put your body out there when he has a girlfriend. It doesn't matter if his girlfriend is insane, if she is playing him, or an idiot, or too young or even if she is the spawn of Satan! The physical flirting is still not okay.
Chatting with him and implying physical flirting with your conversations is also not okay.
Friendly conversations are just fine.
Talking, having a conversation, asking friendly questions and getting to know someone is okay.
So stick to that, and trying to stop flash him your flesh. That’s the thing that is wrong. You need to recongize that things can be 'physical' without you two actually touching one another at all, and avoid those things.
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The Question
Hi, I'm in desperate need of some advice. I am a 26 year old man who has been dating a 36 year old woman for about 5 months.I am very concerned about the age difference and what that will mean for us down the road. Just last week we broke up and it has been killing me. I really like this girl and I want to be with her, but the age thing is just a 24/7 nagging issue in the back of my mind. We split up because she is wanting to be in a relationship with someone that will in a few years materialize into a family and having kids. I am terrified of this. I want a family and kids, but i'm 26 and thinking about that happening in the next couple of years scares the hell out of me. On the other hand, I really do not want to lose her, she is wonderful in every way, and though we are 10 years apart we are on most of the same playing fields, intellectually, physically, professionally, etc. I have been in only 3 relationships that have lasted more than a few months, and have dated many girls, and this is the first one that has ever meant something to me, the short of it is, I have fallen for her and I have been down and out since we split up. I need some objective advice. Do I try to get her back or do I just move on and accept that our age difference is just to much to overcome. Thanks in advance for the advice.
The Answer
Age isn't just a number for a woman who wants to have a baby.
Guys can become fathers at 12 and at 90. Women have a more limited window if they want to bear children.
If she wants to give birth, the period of time where she can do that safely is swiftly coming to a close. She only has a few years left to make that a physical reality.
If you aren't ready for a family, take a deep breath and move on.
Not because the age difference is too great, but because you don't want the same things on a timeline that is acceptable to both parties. A guy who was 35 and didn't want to have kids for 10 years would have the same problem dating this particular woman. It's just not the timeline she is willing to commit too.
That isn't just about age. That is about priorities and choices, and those conflicts can happen in relationships regardless of age. So cry it out, and let it go.
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The Question
I think my mom is cheating on my dad
I recently went down stairs to put my friends bathing suit outside
My mom was on the phone, talking quitely, giggling
I went downstairs again cause I saw my Dad come home with food (doritos, soup, ect)
So I'm wondering whats going on, so I test my mom
As I pass her, I say 'Dads home' in a nonemotional, dull voice
The moment I said so, she says to the phone "Oh. I gotta go. Kay -giggle- bye"
She hangs up and goes to lay on the couch, pretending nothing happened
My dad walks in, shes dull and slightly bitching towards him
Somethings going on. I noticed yesterday
How can I ask my mom if she's cheating on my dad?
This was long; oh well.
The Answer
Do you think the children starving in Africa have a RIGHT to clean drinking water, and enough food to survive?
I do. but I also know it probably isn't going to happen for most of them.
We don’t always get what we believe we deserve. In many cases, we must work with what we have.
And we should not disrespect or insult others because we feel we aren’t getting what we deserve.
In your case, your mother has the right to be assumed innocent until proven guilty. Jumping to the assumption that she is having an affair is a very serious one, and very unkind to her.
For all you know, she could be talking to a female friend he doesn't like. Or she could be planning a surprise trip for you all... Even if an affair is the most likely explanation for her behavior, it’s not kind or fair of you to jump to that conclusion.
If you are concerned about your mother or your parent’s marriage, talk to them about THAT. Don’t leap into talk about cheating: Tell your mom you see her and your father getting on each others nerves. Tell her it frightens you. Ask her how she feels about it, and what they are doing as a couple to help makes things better.
I disagree with insofar as I don’t believe you have a right to know if you mom is having an affair or not. Frankly, I think that is between her and your dad, and they can tell you or not as they feel is best. You are their child and there are things they don’t need to share with you, and things they probably shouldn’t share with you, and you aren’t entitled to know all the details of your parent’s sex lives anymore then they are entitled to know everything about yours.
HOWEVER, you are absolutely entitled to knowing if your parents are happy, if they are making plans to separate, if they are getting fed up and what they are doing to make the situation better. That much is family business, and you should feel free to ask your parents about it, and share your concerns about them not getting along.
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The Question
so i've been talking to this guy Z and i know that he used to be a really big player. and i brought it up to him. he said that he used to be but he hasnt had a hook up sence march. he said that i deserve better and that he would just be screwing himself over if he were to do that because hed still want to be friends. he said taht lately hes been focusing on school and sports. since he plays 4 ha. but as i was talking to him he was talking to a girl i know A about how they used to be so good together. idk what to do because he seems like a really cool guy. shouldi hang out with him to get to know him? i want to but i dont want to get screwed over... i need advice.
The Answer
He IS full of crap, but then, most teenage guys are.
That whole "You deserve better than me" shit... When a guy says that to me, I say "Yes, I deserve someone with a spine and a bit of self-respect". If he thinks he doesn't deserve you, that is huge red flag. Relationships are built on mutal affection and respect, not on guilt and one-upings.
It's a really lame co-op and excuse. Sometimes it's code for "I'm just not into you like that."
Anyways, hang out with him if you want too and get to know him better, but keep your eyes wide open. Watch out for the signs that he is really needy, insecure guy, and a guy who might chase after his 'needs' regardless of your feelings.
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The Question
Well the title pretty much says it all.
I've come back from uni for the summer and I was tidying up the spareroom and found a tape in the machine. So i know it probably wasn't right of me to watch it but it turns out it was porn! I looked in one of his draws and there's like 7 tapes in there!
I really don't know what to do, I want him to stop doing it. But i don't know what to say to anyone? Or whether i should say anything at all?
I don't think it would bother me so much if he wasn't over 65!!!!!!!!!!!! It's disgusting!! And it's really on my mind loads.
we are moving house soon, so i was thinking maybe i could 'misplace' them in a bin somewhere and he wouldn't notice?
thanks in advance...
The Answer
You shouldn't say anything at all.
I know you are unhappy and uncomfortable, but you have no right at all to try and make your dad stop using porn. To â??misplaceâ?? them would be theft, and frankly, a form of elder abuse. He might rely on you to help him, but you have no right to decide what he is allowed to own and what he isnâ??t. And besides, if there was one in the VCR, he would notice they were missing and though he might never say anything to you, you can bet that your obvious action would shame and embarrass him, and you haven't the right to do that to him.
65 years old is NOT dead yet. Older people still have sexual drives! It's wrong of you to call it disgusting just because of his age. That's very disrespectful towards him. Sex and pleasure (and even romance and love!) are not just for the young, or just for the beautiful and healthy. They are for everyone. The old, the sick, the hideously ugly, even the cruel and nasty chase and get love and sex.
We all want sexual stimulation, pretty much no matter our age, and what your father is doing is legal and harmless. Even if you disagree morally with porn, you have no right at all to remove those videos from his possession in any way at all. You donâ??t have to like it, but all you can is decide whether or not to voice that opinion on porn (which will probably achieve nothing but discomfort for you both) or to just butt out.
EDIT IN RESPONSE TO YOUR FEEDBACK:
My FEELINGS would of course different if it were my Dad. I would also feel uncomfortable and embarrassed, just like you do.
However, my VIEWS are based on reason and respect, and that would not change.
My actions would be exactly what I recommended you do.
In your situation, I would demand that I behave in a way that is respectful to my father and his rights and his possessions, even if I disagreed with him, or was made unhappy by his choices. If I were upset by his choice enough, Iâ??d talk to him about it. But I would not shame him, be passive aggressive, or steal and I wouldnâ??t try to forbid him for doing something he has every legal right to do!
You have the right to FEEL uncomfortable and unhappy. You DON'T have the right, to DO what you suggested in your question. So, get a hold of your emotional reactions and behave yourself. Even if it makes you unhappy. Donâ??t steal, donâ??t offend, and donâ??t disrespect your father. No one can stop you from feeling a certain way, but nothing you ever feel gives you the right to infringe on the liberties of others.
FURTHER RESPONSE TO FUTHER FEEDBACK:
When you presume to know the conscience and mind of others, and tell them how they ought to feel, or how they would feel, like you have with me, and the other columnist here, you are being rude.
I have only told you the truth about what respect is and in a respectful and direct way. I believe you are a good person, who is entitled to her feelings, but is wrong in her planned course of actions, and wrong to make so many assumptions and judgements about her father, and about me.
When you are an adult, dealing with adult issues, you need to be able to cope with respectful, but direct and staunch, disagreement.
FINAL EDIT:
As you've now asked to be left alone, I will not answer your question about why I felt your response to me was a very rude assumption. If you are still curious as to the reasoning behind my opinion, drop me a question in my inbox.
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The Question
Okay, I am 15/pregnant and I told my boyfriend that stress can cause a misscarriage and he still fights with me all the time. And I ask him what if the baby is with me (since we dont live together) and he says his first word and my boyfriend says, well i mean oh well im not going to be upset,it doesnt really matter. And then I finally see what my baby looks like (like a picture on the internet) and I tell him that the baby now has a head but no arms or legs yet and he says "ew thats nasty". I mean it's like he doesnt even care about me or the baby. What do I do?
The Answer
Is your boyfriend also fifteen?
Because all he is doing is behaving like a fifteen year old boy. Just because he can impregnate you, doesn't magically turn him into an adult. He is STILL a teenager, and prone to all those obnoxious and self absorbed things that teenagers are prone to doing.
He probably does 'CARE' but that doesn't mean he has the slightest idea how to behave appropraitely or maturely. Just because he 'cares' doesn't mean he's going to be 'helpful'.
Don’t look to him for support.
He can barely take care of himself and it seems like the two of you can’t communicate in respectful or helpful ways right now. So look to adults in your life for support and help. Join a group for teenage mothers (it’s never too early! Think of what valuable advice other teens with newborns or toddlers can offer you!) and make new friends who have an idea what you are going through. Connect with adults around you who will support you.
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The Question
17/f. I'm a nice, mature girl and I graduated a year early this year. I've been dating the same guy for about a year now. I have a car, I have a job, and I'm very stable and independent. My boyfriend is one year older than me and he's stable and mature also. You think I'd be trustable right? Well, my mom still makes me be home by midnight. She treats me like I'm a child. I'm the one that watches how I word things around her, tries not to fight, etc., but she freaks out over a simple question. She still thinks she can ground me and take away my things. I'm getting really tired of being treated this way. All of my friends spend the night at their boyfriend's houses but she thinks that's just horrible. She's not really religious and she's not strict about other things. She cusses around me and talks about crazy things so I don't know why she won't let me be normal. She makes me leave my bedroom door open when my boyfriend is over. She won't let me go to his house unless his parents are there (she doesn't know that I go when they're not home anyway). I don't know what to do. I really hate living like this because all of my friends think I'm a weird goodie goodie, and that's not who I am. It's who my mom is forcing me to be. She won't listen to a single thing I have to say. What can I do?
The Answer
You are a minor living in her house. So, she is still THE PARENT. She can ground you and take away your things. Legally, morally, ethically, she can still that do that. The only thing she couldn't touch would be a car or cellphone where your name is the only one on the contract, other then that, you are pretty much at her disposal.
Your choices here are simple enough:
Break her rules, and accept her 'punishments'. There isn't much she can actually punish you with anymore except emotional bullshit and yelling if you choose to simply ignore being 'grounded'. If you can stand up to her and endure that emotional stuff, then do as you will. The worst that could happen is that she'll kick you out, or lock you out.
Or you can respect her rules because you are her child living in her house. You aren't her tenant or a renter. You are her child, that means following her rules under her roof.
I'm 24 years old now, and when I go home to visit my mother and father, I'm not allowed to have a boy behind a closed door with me. Doesn't matter if we've been together for three years, and share a bed at our apparent... It's their rule, and I'm not even a guest really, I'm their daughter in their home. It's a dumb rule! It doesn't matter that I've done EVERYTHING they are afraid of me doing, and probably a whole bunch of crazy shit they've never imagined in my own home. Their rules aren't about 'rational' or 'fair'. Their rules are about what they are willing to live with, and in their home, they get to make those rules.
If you are as capable and mature as you say: Move out. There are parts of adulthood which simply will NOT happen for you until you do.
If, for many reasons, you aren't able to move out yet, then you need to find a way to live as your mother's child in her house.
Whatever you choice is in regards to respecting her rules, you are going to have to develop a bit more a thick skin and stop allowing her unhappiness to become your unhappiness. Often, as adults, we have to learn to agree to disagree, and rather then trying to convince our parents to see it our way, we have to quietly shrug our shoulders and say “Nope. I don't see it that way.” and leave the room. If your parent is unhappy about something you've done, that you feel was perfectly right, you don't need to feel upset or argue with them. Just agree to disagree, and find out where that leaves the discussion.
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The Question
Those chain messages that are all over youtube, facebook ect, why do people actually believe them and pass them on, are you one of those people?
I've been wanting to know for a while now since they seem to be everywhere. ones like this...
THIS REALY WORKS!
1. PUT BOTH OF YOUR HANDS ON YOUR CHEST!
2. THINK OF SOMETHIN YOU WANT!
3. TOMMORROW YOUR WILL GET A SUPRIZE WITH THE THING U WISHED 4!
HERES THE CATCH U HAVE 2 POST THIS TO 5 QUIZZES!
The Answer
People will cut off thier body parts, leap into flames, murder, maim, go to war, and betray pretty much everything they hold true or valuable in thier lives for the promise of love and the delusion it will bring them enternal happiness.
In the face of that degree of stupidty, I think it's pretty clear that people will hit copy and past a few times for the promise of love and the delusion it will bring them enternal happiness.
Do they actually believe it will work? I doubt it. I doubt the people who also wear the same underwear during the NHL playoffs REALLY think that helps thier team either. But human brains are wired to take the chance on such stupid rituals and draw connections and look for patterns even where it's IMPOSSIBLE that things are connected.
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The Question
What language did Samson and Delilah speak in reality? The characters from the bible. And if they spoke different native languages, which did they communicate in? Thank you. =]
The Answer
It was so long ago, there isn't even hard evidence that Samson and Delilah were real people, let alone details on their personal interactions. The Book of Judges is the only document I've ever heard of that records their story. There is no other source to look at for more details.
Samson was an Israelite, and he likely spoke an early form of Hebrew. The earliest forms are written Hebrew have been found and dated back to a few hundreds years around when the time when biblical scholars believe Samson lived. Delilah was a Philistine, but that is simply a Hebrew word that means 'invaders', so it's probably not what her people called themselves. Their language is lost and no one is really certain what it was to begin with. They might have spoken a variation on Greek, or a Canaanite language, and they almost certainly would have known some Hebrew. There was almost perpetual war between the Israelites and the Philistines. You don't fight and hate another group that hard for that long without picking up some of their language.
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The Question
Hey, I'm Hayley, and my boyfriend is 19. I was just wondering if there was any laws against the age of dating? I know they're laws against sex, but we haven't had sex and he hasn't forced me to do anything sexual at all. As a matter of fact, I don't even want to have sex until I'm married and ready.
I'm actually 13, and I've been called a whore for dating him. The names won't change how I feel about him, but some people just don't know how to shut up. Is our relationship, illegal? Can he be charged? Should we break up so he doesn't get in trouble?
The Answer
It depends on your state.
You are right that the law is agianst sexual contact, but in different states, even kissing can qualify as 'sexual' contact. In some states, simply being in a relationship can be interpreted by the courts as implying sexual contact... It all depends on the state and the way the courts in your area lean.
Even without it being illegal, because of the age different your parents have offical measures by which to seperate you from him, and if I were your parents, I'd probably be using them.
Breaking up is up to you. No matter how much you like this guy I'm sure you realize this isn't the best idea.
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The Question
Are abnormal cells on your cervix from the HPV virus being active or from the guy giving them to you? I have abnormal cells that I might have to be taken off (once again) and my man and I have unprotected sex. So, if i have sex with him after my surgery will he give me the abnormal cells back? I'm soooo scared that I'm doomed to a life of abnormal paps forever! I do not want to have to get my cervix taken out, I'm only 20! Another thing my doctor told me is to come back in 3 months to check on the cells, does that mean they weren't that bad? What if they're the same as they were before, will they just leave the cells alone or something? I'm so confused and scared! =/ I need calming answers because I have anxiety attacks about this. I'm so depressed that I just stay in my room all day crying and looking up information about this. HELP
The Answer
You need to go back and talk to your doctor.
HPV is a not a good thing, but it's no death sentence. HPV is the same virus that ALWAYS caused ALL warts, anywhere on your body and on your parents and grandparents bodies. There are literally hundreds of types of it, and only a few of those types are linked to cancer or anything else serious, and because of regular pap smears, the rate deaths from those cancers dropped more than 50% in the last 10 years.
In my country, 325,000 women have abnormal pap results each year. Only 1400 of them are diagoinsed with cervical cancer. That's less then 1%.
There has been a lot of awareness built up about HPV lately, and how to prevent it, and that is a very good thing, but you need to remember that HPV has been around for a damn long time. It's not a newer virus, and it's not serious or life threatening like HIV (I think because of the similarities in acronyms, lots of people overreact about HPV just cause they sound similar.)
Many people's bodies will cure HPV on their own after several months or years. Lots of women have abnormal paps without being HPV positive, or they get over the HPV later on. Abnormal cells can be caused by other viruses and imbalances. Sometimes the cells just need to be removed, or sometimes you just need an antiviral medication. It’s not a big deal until your doctor tells you it’s a big deal.
If you do have a lingering HPV infection, then you simply have it and you should get regular pap smears (every 3 or 6 months, depending on what you doctor recommends) and an HPV test to determain what kind of HPV you have (only a very small number of types are cancer risks). Early detection can make most real problems very simple to handle. Keep going for your regular pap smears and it’s very unlikely that HPV will cause anything that will need your uterus removed. IF you have it, it can usually be kept in check with regular attention.
HPV, by itself, has almost no effect on a person’s ability to have bear children.
IF you do have HPV, chances are your boyfriend does too, unless his body has been able to resist it. You really should be using condoms (not using condoms can contribute to abnormal paps too, sperm is a hostile invader after all). But how to have safe sex, considering your abnormal paps, in another good question for your doctor.
Go into your next appointment with a list of questions to have answered. Doctors are busy and sometimes won’t give in the information unless you ask, so ask. They know it, they just need to you to take some initiative and ask.
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The Question
Recently, I asked one of my best friends to withdraw some money for me from an ATM when they went out shopping. I know I can trust this friend very much so I wasn't even slightest bit nervous about having them make the transaction at the ATM for me. After that somebody (another one of my friends) told me that it is illegal to do so.
I am aware of the risk if it is illegal, but I would like to know, in certainty, if it is really illegal.
Anyone know?
The Answer
It's not illegal, it's just risky.
If the bank finds out you did it, they wont protect your account agianst theft the same way. If someone steals from you and cleans out your account, and you'd given that information away to anybody at all, you'll be SOL and the bank will call it your own damn fault.
It's not illegal. It's just not a great idea.
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The Question
I have had an article published in a glossy magazine and I want to scan it (as is) onto my computer. I, eventually, want to put it onto my website (not created yet) and allow people to see the article exactly as it appears in the magazine. Would that be a pdf file or something else? How do I do this properly?
The Answer
First, you ask the permission of the magazine to repost a scan of the article.
Your contract or agreement with the magazine might allow you to repost it online yourself; HOWEVER, it's polite and professional to let them know of your intention to do so and ask them how to properly credit it. I know we never think of online information the same way we do essays, but if we want our information to be taken seriously and behave like professional writers, we should.
The upside of doing that is that they might be willing to provide you with a high res pdf image of the pages, and that will be clearer and a better quality then any scan you could possibly have made.
Pdfs are preferred for online document viewing. If you don’t know how to scan to a pdf yourself, take it to a print shop, or staples or something like that. They can give you nice, clean, high res scans in pdf and gif or jpg for just a few bucks, and it’s completely worth it.
Even though I know how to scan and edit images and text very well, when I’m needing a very nice scan at work, I often take the original to professionals to have it scanned. It’s just worth it to have the really good equipment do it.
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The Question
Hello Im 19/f and have very small pointy breasts. I JUST fit into a padded B cup bra. I feel like a kid.
I heard that if you have self esteam issues you could get the surgery covered by OHIP. Is this true? I read an article online where a woman states she's done just that.
If it's possible, how? How do you go about proving you have self esteam issues?
thanks!
The Answer
That's mostly a myth.
The few people who have had OHIP pay for their breast enlargements just 'cause they wanted bigger yayas would have had to lie and steal from the government and taxpayers and their doctor would have cheated a system that is meant to provide for medical necessities, not bigger boobs, whiter teeth or smaller tummies.
A portion, and sometimes all, of breast augmentation sugary can be covered if you have a medical condition or surgery(like breast cancer where one breast is removed). That kind of reconstructive sugary is often completely covered. Often a portion can be covered if say, your breasts are very uneven. Some doctors will be willing to apply to OHIP and call that reconstructive.
Breast reduction sugary is often covered to help women avoid back pain from being too well endowed, or to deal with the physical fall out from extreme weight loss or gain. Breast 'tucks' or lifts where excess skin is removed are often partially covered when a doctor can make an argument that they are for medical reasons.
Lots of people like to talk like they 'beat the system' and had OHIP pay for their boob job, when they in fact had a real medical need for some sort of surgery. It's a pretty human thing, we all like to brag. We often exaggerate our perceived victories.
'Low self esteem' is just not a good enough reason by itself for the government to start handing out money to people. Self-esteem is not really about how big your boobs are, or your ears, or your butt, and all doctors know this. It's tough to find a doctor who will put their reputation on the line with OHIP by recommending you for coverage without a good medical reason.
If you really want to feel better, get some counseling and learn some skills to help you be happier and more effective at dealing with things you think aren't 'perfect'.
The simple truth is, when you approach your doctor, or a plastic surgeon about breast enlargements, they will all most always refer you to a counselor or therapist first. That's just standard practice in Ontario: OHIP will cover most kinds of counseling for your self-image issues, but not a boob job.
It's really not our governments job to make us happy. In more socialist counteries we often forget this, but it was never their job to make us happy. Part of being truly free, and having real liberity, is the freedom to be fucked up and miserable.
Basically, if this is important to you, start saving now.
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The Question
I haven't had sex with very many people at all, and I've been with my boyfriend for over a year now. I am 7 months pregnant and my vagina has been sore so I went to the doctor today and he noticed this little white bump on my vagina.
There's only 2 little white bumps on my vagina, but the doctor made it seem like I have herpes! He did the swab/scrap test and I just have to wait now for the results.
I'm just thinking there's not possible way that I have herpes, right? I've been tested for it three times after my ex boyfriend, because he was with a lot of people before me. I also KNOW my current boyfriend has NOT cheated on me at all. I looked up information about herpes and white bumps on vagina and a lot of the sites say it's just not herpes or whatever I think, but my doctor was just SO sure about it sounded really scary.
I'm just asking...should I confront my doctor about this and tell him he was being mean by saying I have herpes? I mean, I just KNOW I don't have herpes and he's going on and on about the white bumps on my vagina having to be herpes and how we need to be "especially cautious" since I am pregnant and plan to have my baby vaginally. He's sooo stupid and I'm so mad that he would say I have herpes!
The Answer
Would you rather he had pretended nothing was wrong?
Told you not to worry about it at all?
Sent you home with a lollipop maybe?
Would that have made him 'smart' and 'nice', if he just left you and your baby to chance because he didn't want to hurt your feelings and tell you that you might have herpes?
You are smarter then that I'm sure. You know he was right to tell you the truth. You wouldn't actually want a doctor to lie to you!
It would have been mean to NOT tell you that he saw something that could possibly threaten, not just your health and birth, but your baby’s life, and make your birth more difficult.
It would have been wrong of him to say that little white bumps couldn't be herpes. That is what they most frequently are! His suspicion was fair and reasonable. Herpes can sit in a human body for years without causing symptoms. There is no telling where or when you got it, if you do in fact have it.
He did what he was required to by his oath as a medical practitioner. He treated you like the grown up you appear to be and told you the truth about what he say and what he thought. He did the only right thing he could have. He respected you enough to give you the information about your body and to provide a test that might give you more information and keep you safe.
If you have a problem with your doctor for some personal reason, because you don’t like the way he speaks to your or something like that, go ahead and talk him about that, or better yet find another doctor. But don’t think for a split second he was in the wrong to tell you that could have herpes, and to do the test.
You need to show him some respect or both you, you and your child, are going to suffer for it. Listen to your doctor, and if you disagree with one doctor, speak to another, but don't blame or attack them. Some of them might not always be ‘nice’, but their first job is to keep you healthy and safe, not to lie to you and be your bestest friend.
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The Question
ok so i have been friends and a little more than friends with this girl. for like 7 to 8 years. we have talked about dating but for some odd reason things always get in the way... right now i am in college and i see her on the weekends. which is great but its not enough time to spend with her and build a solid boyfriend / girlfriend relationship. i was offered a management position at a very well known company but the problem is that she doesn't want me to take it because then we wont see each other at all!!! a part of me wants to take the job but then the other part of me is saying that she means way too much to me to not see her... tell me what would you do if you were in my situation???
The Answer
Don't be a dummy, take the job.
It's not worth stalling your career for a 'friend', and that is all she is right now, and frankly, if you've known her this long and nothing has happened, it's a pretty safe bet that nothing is ever going to. You've both had ample opptertunities. If she really wanted to be with you, she would be, even just on the weekends.
It might hurt a bit, dissapointment and change always does, but you'll be a wealthier and happier person in the long run. So take the plunge, embrace the chance to grow and move on with your adult life: Take the job.
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The Question
my mother is constantly talking about my father and me because now she knows we talked after he malested me ....my dad says that i can runaway and come live with him but i am scared but on the other hand i want to get away from my motyher although i love her ahe is a pain in the a@! so im not sure if i should goim torn i have not seen my dad in almost three years and since i have not seen him i have not seen my brothers or sisters tell me what i should do please
Before i lose my mind!!!!!!
The Answer
Your Dad is dangerous.
I'm not saying that because he molested you. Obviously, that is a HUGE problem, but here is the even bigger problem:
Your Dad is telling you to break the law, to run away and probably get him in a LOT of trouble. Maybe even have him sent to jail for allowing, and encouraging you, a minor who is not in his custody, to run to him.
Think of how frightened your mother will be.
Think of what will happen to your brothers and sisters if your father is brought to court, or to jail.
Think of how stupid, selfish and wrong it is of your father to encourage you to do something that could hurt and endanger so many people.
Your father is dangerous, because he’s telling you to do something dangerous and dumb. He’s might also be dangerous because he’s molested you the past as well.
Don’t listen to him.
Try to get some counseling and outside adult help for you and your mom, but DON’T listen to him. His advice sucks, and he compltely wrong encourage you to run to him.
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The Question
after a guy comes in me it comes out when i stand up is it suppose to do that? does that happen to everyone?
also,i was having sex with a guy and i queefed it was really embaressing . do guys think that its disgusting?
The Answer
Yes. (And you really should be using condoms, pretty much everyone should be.)
If a guy does think queefing is disgusting, and decides to tell you all about that. Don't sleep with him agian until he apologizes and agrees to be respectful.
It's as normal and natural as farting or burbing. Sure, for some crazy reason these things embaress us, but sometimes they can't be helped. If a guy isn't mature enough to realize that and not pick on his girlfriend for it, then he isn't mature enough to have sex.
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The Question
Wasn't sure of the category on this one, just kind of assumed.
Anyways,I currently live in Canada and I am looking for a town/city to move to(still in Canada).
I really don't know how to type well so I will try and put it fairly basic.
Pretty much the only requirement for a place is that there can't be a lot of snow, I'd prefer rain, lots of it too.
So, Anyone know of a place?
thanks.
The Answer
You want a pretty place where it rains a whole lot?
Vancouver.
Lovely city, but wet. Out there, they call it liquid sunshine.
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The Question
Some people i feel so sorry for, but i know that i can not spill my guts.. i try adn try but i still don't know. i have lately been getting some really weird ones that i am so scared to answer but i want to help. please help me figure out a way to put mean stuff nicely.
The Answer
Sometimes, I'm not the right person to answer a question.
For example: I don't answer suicide questions anymore. I rarely did before and I probably won’t in the future. Although I see them and I wish I could be helpful, I know I can't. Because I will tell them to stop being such selfish turds and get over their infantile little selves and get some help with their mucked up brain chemistry... and that just isn't very helpful. But because I’ve battled those emotions myself, I get very angry and unsympathetic with people who I see as ‘feeding into’ irrational fears and miseries. My approach is, if you aren’t fighting it, screw off.
I believe that if I CAN'T think of an appropriate (not always nice, but appropriate) way to answer a question, then I'm the wrong person to answer it.
And that's okay!
In fact, that is one of the great things about Advicenators. There are other people here who can. Read other columnists and recognize their strengths so you can recommend people to ask them if you get a question in your inbox you don't feel you can properly answer.
Honestly, for every three questions I answer here, I probably typed up a forth answer, and then decided not to post it, because I wasn’t confident enough in it to offer it as advice.
We aren’t all going to be experts on all things and you aren’t always going to feel confident about answering every question that comes your way. Lean on your neighbour. Connect them with resources and other people who can help, even if it’s just a website or forum you think is especially good. Sometimes, go ask so-and-so (a doctor, a counsellor, your mom, a help line) is the BEST answer we got, and if that is the best we’ve got, then is still great advice.
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