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I found my dads porn tapes and don't know what to do.
Well the title pretty much says it all.
I've come back from uni for the summer and I was tidying up the spareroom and found a tape in the machine. So i know it probably wasn't right of me to watch it but it turns out it was porn! I looked in one of his draws and there's like 7 tapes in there!
I really don't know what to do, I want him to stop doing it. But i don't know what to say to anyone? Or whether i should say anything at all?
I don't think it would bother me so much if he wasn't over 65!!!!!!!!!!!! It's disgusting!! And it's really on my mind loads.
we are moving house soon, so i was thinking maybe i could 'misplace' them in a bin somewhere and he wouldn't notice?
thanks in advance...
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Want to answer more questions in the Relationships category?
Maybe give some free advice about: Families?
I know you don't want more answers, but something was left out I feel should be added.
I know this is a bit weird because it is your dad we are talking about. Most likely, as has been said, he has been doing this a long time. It is also probably true that your mom may watch it with him. If she doesn't I am sure she is aware.
It is also a fact that as men age they sometimes have a problem getting or maintaining an erection.
Watching porn is a lot cheaper and a LOT more healthy than taking viagra, or any of the other drugs out there for erectile dysfunction.
So don't say anything at all. It would be embarrassing for you both. I understand you were shocked and disgusted by it. Just understand that your parents are free to do as they please in their own home. Be thankful the girls are on film and he is staying home! :)
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Hi there,
I know this has probably turned into something you wish you hadn't started at all by asking this question, but I hope you will not mind this input.
Put as shortly as possible with no personality issues:
He is your Dad.
I know you have a problem with him doing this, but I have to ask one simple question: Is it worth ruining your relationship over?
I know the first thought I would have if this were a debate would be: "But HE is doing it, not me!"
I understand. The real crux of the matter is this: He doesn't have a problem with it, but you do. This makes it a problem that belongs to you.
Now, you can choose to share that problem with your dad, but you risk making him never think the same way about you again.
Do you wish you could "un-know" what you know? He would always wish he could "un-know" that you know if you share your problem with him.
The other thing to consider is the age issue. It is entirely possible that he has been doing this longer than you have been alive. If he is addicted to porn, I don't know that you saying something would help. Maybe it would, and maybe it would push him further away from you. There is no way to know without trying it, and it will be an expensive experiment if it goes badly. :-(
I hope you decide what to do from the perspective that between the two of you... you are the one who has a problem with the idea, not him. I also hope that if you share this with him, you do so in a loving way, and not in a "you are so disgusting!!!!!!!!!" way.
If you just happen to "lose" his items, he will get more. This is a fact that you should know before you decide to do that. So, it wouldn't really do anything beside make him mad, and perhaps let him know that you know.
Please think carefully before you decide what to do.
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I might be a little older than some of the other columnist who answered; actually I’m only a few years younger than your father, so I might be offering a different perspective for you.
So at 65 you found your father is watching porn tapes. You also say “I don't think it would bother me so much if he wasn't over 65”. What does his age have to do with it? Just because he is older doesn’t mean he doesn’t have a sex drive. At our age our desire for sex and our wives desire for sex differ. Dad may have more interest in sex that mom. Watching porno may be his way of fulfilling that need. It is also possible that your father was watching that tape with your mother; did you ever think of that? This of course assumes your mom is still alive and living with your father.
From puberty till death as long as we are healthy we will have some form of sexual need. As we grow older it may be just sitting and holding hands or cuddling in bed at night. If the need is there and satisfying the need is done in a way that is legal and consensual it should not be condemned or ridiculed.
What is proper, if you find porn offensive or if the thought of your parents still engaging in sex or masturbating while watching the tapes grosses you out, is to ask then to please not leave the tapes in the machine. This would be like a mom asking her teenage son not to leave his girlie magazines lying around.
Sex, be it intercourse, masturbation or other forms as long as it is consensual, is natural and pleasurable at any age. Masturbation starts at the earliest of ages. Watch babies, especially boys as they sleep. That rocking motion is early masturbation. Why do they do it? Because it feels good and it is comforting to them, according to those who have studied it.
So try not to condemn your father for watching porno. If you really find it grossing you out just say something like: Hey pop how about not leaving tapes in the machine when you finish watching its bad for the tapes. Also don’t throw away things that are not yours to throw out, that would be rude and improper.
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::edited for feedback::
If I say nothing, you'd continue on your path of stupid, judgmental, self centered arrogance.
If I say something, I figure you've got at least a .005% chance of realizing exactly how bad you are, and making some kind of positive improvement in your prejudices and behavior.
::/edit::
Actually, we do have the right to tell you what you can or cannot do.
You gave it to us when you posted this question here.
You are a prude. Your prudish values have no place in other people's lives. As a person, its your responsibility to pretend that you never saw the tapes. As a daughter, its your responsibility to not let this encounter affect your opinion of your father.
Just because you think porn is dirty, bad, or whatever else you think does not give you the right to interfere with someone else. Your shock does not diminish your arrogance or your presumption. If you want friendly answers, be less of a bitch. Thats what you're being.
I'm not saying that to insult, I'm saying it because its true, and if you have any self awareness or decency you will work to correct this problem that you have. You will recognize that you should not arrogantly stick your nose into other people's business, and you should not arrogantly desire to throw away someone else's possessions because you do not approve.
It was wrong of you to snoop in his drawers. The absolute FURTHEST you should go is to tell him that you found a tape you'd rather not have in the machine, and that you would ask him to make sure that such tapes are kept out of your way in the future. Thats courtesy due someone you live with. Beyond that, you have no rights, you have no privledges, and if you insert yourself where you are not needed, wanted, or welcome, then you are an arrogant prick who deserves to be kicked out on her ass.
You deserve to be offended, because you are offensive. Your views and perspectives are offensive to me in the extreme, as is your arrogance in treating this like a situation where you have a right to do something.
Lastly, I have every right to tell you how you should be feeling. Because, when you over react to a situation, blow something out of proportion, and act like an asshole, we have a right to tell you that you have NO right to feel a way that causes you to act like a complete bitch.
Shut up about it and go on with your life.
::Final Edit::
By the way, calling your father "disgusting" because he looks at porn at 65 makes me think you're disgusting. He coddled you, spoiled you, and now we get to see the results of that as an adult.
You are disgusting. Your sense of judgement and right and wrong are so skewed it makes me sick, as do you.
I hope you keep your mouth shut and leave the old man in peace. He deserves it
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alright, hey, thats cool and all, but being a person that loves porn, and prostitutes, and alcohol, and guns, and personal property rights, I'd have to advise against messing with your dad's porno. so what would he do if he couldn't find his porno? he'd write it off as a loss and buy some more. all you're doing by not supporting his habit, is supporting the porn industry. and by the way, seven tapes, thats not much porn, so he's not doing it every day, just every day that he want's some and your mom won't put out. so in another way, though women are repulsed by porn, they're actually facilitating it. anyways, I know some spider monkeys in my unit that have two terabytes of porn, with that much, you could watch a new video every day for about fifteen months without seeing the same one again. so don't freak out, your dad's not the lecherous pasty scoundrel sitting in his den at two am every night watching "backdoor sluts voume 6". thats me.
-gunner
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You're not the chief of the masturbation police; please leave him alone.
EDIT: The Fellowship of the Ring
Are you trying to say that the male point of view is irrelevant? What if I gave a point of view that you agreed with? Would it still be tossed out because I'm male? Please respond, this is going to be fun.
EDIT II: The Two Towers
My answer probably is stereotypical male, as in at least 50 percent of the population would say the exact same thing. Yet somehow that doesn't deserve the same credence as a female answer. By the way, why don't you take a look at the difference between my answer and the answers of your "somewhat helpful" females. There is no difference. Your ideas are universally considered close minded and out of bounds. Just because I didn't give you an ego massage doesn't make my answer any less worthwhile or true.
EDIT III: Return of the King
I don't agree with you, but fair enough.
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It seems that you're giving everyone who you don't agree with a "3" for feedback, but I figure I'll take a risk here in hopes that you're done looking for the answer that you want to hear.
Your dad is a human being, and he has sexual desires. Thanks to our life-history evolution as a species, males are able to reproduce over the course of their entire lives, and while there is a small drop-off in testosterone production later in life, we're still wired like animals even in older age. Your dad has probably had those tapes for the last thirty years, so nothing that you say will make him want to stop. He'll probably continue right into his grave.
And after all, why should he stop? EVERYBODY MASTURBATES! I'm not sure why you feel that you have the right to deny him of a basic human right.
So no, don't confront him about it.
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Hey there.
I realise that the question was pretty thoroughly answered below, but I thought I would just chime in with my opinion.
First I do realise that this shocked you. I also read your feedback to the other columnists and I considered thoroughly if this was my own parent.
The problem is that most people don't like to think of their close family as sexual beings. Parents often shudder at the thought of their children having sex, and children shudder at the thought of their parents engaging in intimate relations. This situation is not exactly the same, but it goes along the same lines.
If a human being has sexual urges, why should it not be acceptable that they are dealt with providing that no one is harmed in the process? Let me turn this around. It is unfair for you to consider interfering with his life solely on the basis of your discomfort. I honestly don't mean to attack you, I probably would have the same feelings. But no matter how I twist and turn the moral equation in my head it arrives at the same result: it would be blatantly selfish to interfere.
As for his age, well, you have many people that are older and still have not lost their sex drive. Again, looking at it objectively this could be seen as a healthy and good thing.
You have asked the other columnists to see it as though it was their father. I believe we have. Now I ask you to do the opposite. Distance yourself from your immediate feelings and try to see this objectively. Generally, when evaluating a situation, its a disadvantage to be so emotionally involved. That is when one ends up doing things that one will come to regret.
As for misplacing the tapes... for the first thing they can easily be replaced. For the second thing if he realises you interfered (as Razhie said) it will make your relationship extremely awkward.
So please, just give it some time. I believe you will be able to come to terms with this, no matter how disturbing it is now. In any case, you risk making things much worse by rashly acting upon your feelings.
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Your dad is well over the point of being an adult and can do as he pleases. You don't have to agree with his behavior but at least show him some repsect.
Humans have sexual needs and desires. He's only human. Get over it.
Edit:
I wouldn't react. My father is an adult and can do as he pleases. I am an adult and can do as I please. If my father wishes to watch porn, then good for him. I can't stop him so there's no point in being bothered by it. You can't tell him what to do. He brought you into the world and can take you right back out, so I'd suck it up.
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You shouldn't say anything at all.
I know you are unhappy and uncomfortable, but you have no right at all to try and make your dad stop using porn. To â??misplaceâ?? them would be theft, and frankly, a form of elder abuse. He might rely on you to help him, but you have no right to decide what he is allowed to own and what he isnâ??t. And besides, if there was one in the VCR, he would notice they were missing and though he might never say anything to you, you can bet that your obvious action would shame and embarrass him, and you haven't the right to do that to him.
65 years old is NOT dead yet. Older people still have sexual drives! It's wrong of you to call it disgusting just because of his age. That's very disrespectful towards him. Sex and pleasure (and even romance and love!) are not just for the young, or just for the beautiful and healthy. They are for everyone. The old, the sick, the hideously ugly, even the cruel and nasty chase and get love and sex.
We all want sexual stimulation, pretty much no matter our age, and what your father is doing is legal and harmless. Even if you disagree morally with porn, you have no right at all to remove those videos from his possession in any way at all. You donâ??t have to like it, but all you can is decide whether or not to voice that opinion on porn (which will probably achieve nothing but discomfort for you both) or to just butt out.
EDIT IN RESPONSE TO YOUR FEEDBACK:
My FEELINGS would of course different if it were my Dad. I would also feel uncomfortable and embarrassed, just like you do.
However, my VIEWS are based on reason and respect, and that would not change.
My actions would be exactly what I recommended you do.
In your situation, I would demand that I behave in a way that is respectful to my father and his rights and his possessions, even if I disagreed with him, or was made unhappy by his choices. If I were upset by his choice enough, Iâ??d talk to him about it. But I would not shame him, be passive aggressive, or steal and I wouldnâ??t try to forbid him for doing something he has every legal right to do!
You have the right to FEEL uncomfortable and unhappy. You DON'T have the right, to DO what you suggested in your question. So, get a hold of your emotional reactions and behave yourself. Even if it makes you unhappy. Donâ??t steal, donâ??t offend, and donâ??t disrespect your father. No one can stop you from feeling a certain way, but nothing you ever feel gives you the right to infringe on the liberties of others.
FURTHER RESPONSE TO FUTHER FEEDBACK:
When you presume to know the conscience and mind of others, and tell them how they ought to feel, or how they would feel, like you have with me, and the other columnist here, you are being rude.
I have only told you the truth about what respect is and in a respectful and direct way. I believe you are a good person, who is entitled to her feelings, but is wrong in her planned course of actions, and wrong to make so many assumptions and judgements about her father, and about me.
When you are an adult, dealing with adult issues, you need to be able to cope with respectful, but direct and staunch, disagreement.
FINAL EDIT:
As you've now asked to be left alone, I will not answer your question about why I felt your response to me was a very rude assumption. If you are still curious as to the reasoning behind my opinion, drop me a question in my inbox.
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