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Razhie. Advicenators Member Since: June 13, 2005. Answers: 5077. Visitors: 211514.
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The Question
My sister is 15-years-old. We have had problems with her for years, she doesn't do anything anyone tells her, has screaming tantrums on a daily basis, steals from us and more recently has been kicked out of school.
Today I found out that she is pregnant by her boyfriend of six months. I am absolutely livid. This is my final year of school and I will be taking important exams around the time that the baby is due. It is also my 18th birthday next week, which is a pretty big deal as I live in the UK, and we were planning a big party with family and friends. Obviously this is now being completely overshadowed.
I know I'm being selfish for just thinking about myself but for years I have suffered as a result of her behaviour, baring the brunt of my parents' anger and finding it really difficult to stay at home as the constant noise and arguments are too much. This feels like the last straw. This year is so important for me and instead of fully supporting me, my parents are going to be preoccupied with this.
I know she might not even end up having the baby as it is very early days and she hasn't made any decisions yet, but I am furious with both her and my parents, who I partially blame for this. Ever since she got together with her boyfriend I told my parents I didn't think it was a good idea to let her stay at his house and that she wasn't using protection but no one listened to me. They are now angry with me for being upset. My sister and I had a bad relationship anyway but now I don't want her anywhere near me. As far as I'm concerned she has ruined what is going to be one of the most important years of my life.
What should I do? I honestly don't think I can bare being anywhere near her, let alone live with her, especially if she decides to keep the baby. I can hardly look at my parents because I'm so angry about their attitude and the way they're dealing with it.
The Answer
For now take deep breaths, long baths, and or long walks. Take care of your own peace of mind, because you are right, no one else is going to have the time or energy.
The situation is, as you well know, completely out of your control. Flipping out about it isn't going to help. There are other decisions to be made before you'll have enough information to decide what you need to do.
Your responsibilities are this:
Defend yourself, your needs and your happiness, as well as you can, without disrespecting or hating other people.
Try to forgive everyone involved.
If it comes down to it, don't punish an innocent child for the mistakes of others.
If defending yourself means looking for other living arrangements, so be it. If defending yourself means a lock on your bedroom door and a box full of ear plugs, go for it. If defending yourself means not eating meals with the rest of your family, go for it.
But the way you explain your actions in your defense is not by hating and blaming, it's by standing up for yourself.
You don't say:
I can't believe you let her do this! You are all idiots! I can't stand to be around you!
You DO say:
I'm really unhappy and stressed by this whole situation that is not my fault or under my control. That's my problem, and the way I'm going to handle my problem is by doing X, Y and Z. I hope I can have your support at this important time, to do these things I feel are nessicary so I can succeed and be happy.
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The Question
My mom said thong panties caused yeast infections and bacterial infections in the vagina. She said I shouldn't wear them for long periods of time if I absolutely "had" to wear them so I wouldn't risk my health so much. Is this true? If so, why?
The Answer
Wearing tight underwear, espcailly the kind that doesn't breath (for symplicities sake, lets call that anything that isn't cotton or silk) or that rides up, can contribute to developing yeast infections.
Wearing thongs wont automatically means you get a yeast infection, but if you are prone to them, wearing thongs will make them more frequent and much worse.
So that means you shouldn't wear thongs to bed. In fact, you really shouldn't wear underwear to bed. If you must, at least wear comfy old cotton panties, not fancy, constrictive underwear.
As long as you are healthy and comfortable though, there is nothing wrong with wearing thongs during the day. If you start to get yeast infections often, then you should take a new look at your underwear drawer. But yeast infections, although very uncomfortable, are completely curable.
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The Question
Hi.
I have a huge problem.
I'm 19/f and come from a super strict crazy ass family. My parents are very in touch with their culture (not from here) where as I was raised here (I moved when I was 9) I can relate to them but not completely. I feel closer to the culture here...yet I am not allowed to date (No I am not Muslim but we're sort of similar... they're cooler. they believe in love. we're probably mores strict that way and marriage and relationships are a contract. I am not revealing what exactly since I am pretty sure a lot of my friend might be on here) or be romantically involved I have to be at home most of the time. Malls, movies, any other form of entertainment requiring you to be out of the house is highly discouraged and usually requires a "chaperon" . Well you can tell where this is going... yep a doomed love story.
I fell for this french guy over the past few months. We've been eying each other for over a year but he's shy and I've been giving him mixed signals (my parent's travel for business so when their gone I let go a little and dare to look and smile and come up with dumb ways to talk to him... but when they're back I am on my tippy toes to stay out of trouble and avoid being sent back to my fanatic uncles) So for a while it cooled off then my parents where gone for more than 3 months and I couldn't help myself and I kept eying him again and this time he got the hint (I feel so bad, guilty, and selfish) we're at the point where he goes out of his way to come say hello and I know he'll be asking me out. The problem is that I am conflicted. I don't know if I should say yes (because I desperately want to! I really really like him! and i don't know if I would be able to keep him as just a friend) or no (and seriously end it this time once and for all). If I say yes I might get caught and get in trouble especially that my parents are going to be back in a few months for a very longgg time (no business trips for a while) and I am on a tight leash and my every step will be watched... If I say no I will never know if he and I were meant to be (I really believe he's worth it- I don't usually fall in love or have crushes) ... and if i say no without explaining he'll think i am a jerk. If I do explain why not he might be weirded out... and if i say yes I need him to know that I can't be there always and that our relationship can't be "normal"... I don't want to come off as weird (comes with the territory though, I know... but you just don't tell someone who doesn't know you as YOU yet this kind of stuff at the beginning ...u need them to get to know you first and then decide that it's your parents not you) I don't know if he'll accept it... and I don't have enough time to get this through to him in case we ever get together. he might think I am wasting his time...
Especially that in the end there is no way this can go anywhere (because I have to go back one day and marry someone from their culture and i have to have a "clean slate" so to speak) and i can never ever EVER risk telling them or anyone that we are together.... they'll kill me!
Sneaking out will be very very hard since as I said going out is discouraged and I have to report home after classes and because my every move is calculated... I have a few months till they get here say from now till the beginning of December...
I really do want to go out with him. Although I've never dated or had a boyfriend before I really like this guy and think I am willing to risk it... no matter what I do though... it won't be the same...
What should I do? I don't want him to get hurt and i don't want to embarrass myself... I really like him :( oh and for the record i met him randomly, we never had classes or mingle in the same place... I usually see him where he works and that's where he says hello or I go up to him if I need help with something (for real not as a way to get him to notice me!)
anyway... I'd really appreciate your input. It is very crucial right now so i'll know how to proceed. If in case you think it's selfish then please tell me how to avoid this without making him confused and without coming of as mean or arrogant or something. If you think I should go for it, how do I hide it from my parents. how do we see one another? how do i go about telling him about the situation in a subtle way? my best friend thinks i should avoid this to not get in trouble part of me wants to but the other part says he's worth it (not my neck though!) i am just scared they'll find out...... and my options are limited I can probably only meet on campus and where he works. but what kind of dating will that be!!! he probably won't be willing anyway.... urghhh i am confused please help me.....
The Answer
I believe, that is if you have already decided in yourself, that you are going to go back to your home country, and marry someone your family selects for you, then you have absolutely NO business dating anyone.
It would be more then doomed: It would be dishonest. Almost like an affair.
There is no subtle way to say “I've already decided what my life will be, and I just want to have fun with you for a while, while keeping my parents in the dark about it, and preserving my good name so I can go back to my home country and find a good match there.”
That is the truth, and to not say it, or to be 'subtle' about it, would be dishonest.
And you are right if you think that most guys wouldn't be okay with dating someone in that situation. Most wouldn't.
If you don't want to live this life, this life where you obey, and this life where you must find a 'proper' man to enter into a marriage contract with, then you better start working on that first, and coming up with a plan for independence.
Children sneak around behind their parent's backs.
Adult women stand up for what they want and believe, and accept the consequences.
You have some serious thinking about your life to do, and it has very little to do with this boy, and a lot to do about how you are going to live, and live honestly, with yourself and others. You wont know what to do, until you make some choices about what you want in life.
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The Question
Okay this is a bit complicated! I have always told my wife that I am open to a threesome with another man if it would make her happy. When we first got together she mentioned the idea, sort of playfully, and I took it as a serious thought of hers. I let her know that if things were going to be completely open between us then I would consider such things. I guess I didn't think she was truly serious.
Anyway, the last discussion about this sort of sexual fantasy was a month ago and she said, "No! Absolutely not!" and that she is married and only wants to be with me. To be honest, I was quite relieved. I have no sexual desire for me and I would prefer my wife to only be with me.
Well, about 3 days ago, completely out of the blue, she tells me she found another guy she wants to engage in sex with. The catch is that she wants to have sex with this guy alone and without me present. She said she doesn't even want me to watch. Apparently, she used to know him but did not like him in any romantic or sexual way. I feel like she may be hiding some past secret desire to be with him, sexually, and is afraid I will "freak out" if she opens up and tells me the truth.
After two days of talking with me about this other man, she tells me she is just curious and that just kissing the guy and not even having sex with him would cure that curiosity. So, now she's taken it down a large notch and says that she no longer desires to have sex with this other man but wants to kiss him?
I have noticed her talking on the phone to "friends" more often these past few days. She ends the conversation when I come into the room. She has also come home two hours late from work yesterday, which is something that has never happened before. I feel like she is distancing herself from me.
What should I do? I am not really comfortable with this but I feel like the whole situation is my fault. I shouldn't have told her I would be open to other sexual things, I know, but I really wanted her to be happy and satisfied in our marriage. I don't know to "take that back" without seeming like a prick.
Yes, I want her to be happy. No, I don't want her to kiss, make-out, hook-up, or have sex with another man. I made a huge mistake. How do I fix this? If she kisses the other man, I'm going to feel crushed, but I want her to be happy and satisfied with me in this marriage. Please, help me!
The Answer
You, and your wife, are both completely aware that there is more going on here then just curiosity.
I'm all for chasing sexual experiences with your partner.
I'm all for open relationships, and other arrangements like that, when both adult partners are game and understand what is going on.
I'm not for sudden, drastic changes to relationships based on one persons, poorly expressed, and poorly thought-out, passing desire.
And that is what this is.
It's completely fair to tell her you aren't comfortable with the speed at which this is going.
Yes, you are going to seem like a bit of a prick for taking it back. But it's either seem like an honest prick, or be a dishonest husband. The choice should be obvious.
Remember that she too, has not been clear about her desires or feelings.
You both need to sit down and work on being explicit and honest about your desires within the marriage, before your marriage will be strong enough and your understanding clear enough, to actually pursue anything outside of it.
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The Question
A man is given the world's most difficult crossword puzzle and offered a prize of $100 for every letter he gets right. He writes the same two letters over and over again. What letters did he write and why?
The Answer
Maybe I'm over thinking this but, assuming the crossword is in english:
Statsically, he should have just written the letter E, over and over agian. That would have been the very best approach.
The next most common letters would be T, A and R. With the 'worlds most difficult crossword' I'd probably go with A as my second choice, since it's the next most frequent in the dictionary, although T is the next most frequent in common prose use.
But still, he'd win more by just filling in every spot with E. Unless the crossword was rigged agianst it the letter E.
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The Question
There's this kid I've been hanging out with recently and we really like each other. He's smart, funny, cute, the whole cliched package. :-p
Anyway, I'm a Christian. I believe in God and religion and spirituality have become increasingly important and comforting to me. I go to church just about every Sunday and I just really love it there.
Now, I'm not the type of person that will ever go around pushing my beliefs on someone. I'm a little sad that someone hasn't found God yet, but I'm not going to force my beliefs on them because it's not my place to tell them what to believe you know?
I found out that this potential boyfriend is an atheist. Like I said before, I don't care if he believes something different than me. But my problem with it is that he started telling me all the reasons why its "illogical" that God exists. He also went around to a few of my friends asking for concrete evidence that there is a God out there. And then calling our beliefs illogical and going to church as a sign of giving up your independence and free will.
This just bothers me because he is ripping into my faith and he doesn't understand it. Like, he's never been to church before, he's only heard how it is sometimes portrayed, so where does he come off saying I gave up my independence by going to church?
It's annoying because I really like him, but I'm not so sure I can put up with this part of him. And yes, you might say it's hypocritical of me, but don't because I am not judging him on the fact that he doesn't believe in God, I'm judging him on the fact that he tears everyone down and calls people stupid for believing in God. He's trying to get everyone to believe what HE believes.
~16/f
The Answer
It isn't 'respecting' someone's belief to tell them it's okay that they believe differently then you, but to please not talk about it.
As spirituality has become more important to you as you learn and discover yourself as a teen, skepticism and atheism might very well have become more important to him. I'm certain is makes him a bit sad to see others believing things he views as illogical and damaging to a person, just the way you are sad someone hasn't found God.
So, you are right. This is a bit hypocritical of you.
But there are some boundaries you can set up for him, and some fair things you can ask of any atheist:
No name-calling.
Calling someone’s beliefs, illogical or irrational, IS NOT name calling. Calling that person stupid is. You are perfectly within your rights to say that he is allowed to have, and express his opinion about religious beliefs, but that out-right name calling is not acceptable or friendly.
No accusations.
Asking questions is fair. Saying something is illogical or irrational is matter of opinion. Saying people are being ‘sheep’ or ‘giving up free will’ is an accusation and a judgment. It’s not nice, and it should be avoided.
Finally, stand up for yourself! And what you believe.
Your boyfriend has an opinion he believes strongly in. Strongly enough to feel it’s important to share it.
That’s admirable!
If I believed, for example, that if you didn’t eat a parsnip every day, you would be punished eternally, OR robbed someone how of eternal bliss, I would carry a knapsack full of parsnips and offer them to everyone I met! I’d devote all of my spare time to growing parsnips, and making sure the people I loved got their daily parsnips, and that everyone I had access too knew that they too, should have a parsnip a day!
If I honestly believed that, I would be honor-bound, by common decency, to share that belief!
Your boyfriend is doing that about a belief he thinks is important! His approach might be imperfect, but standing behind your beliefs and acting on them is admirable and sincere.
It is not wrong or evil, to want other people to believe what you sincerely and seriously believe.
I want people in Iran to have the same faith and love in democracy that I do! And I’d tell ‘em so. Firmly!
If you believe something, you should also be that sincere and willing to defend your belief in open, respectful dialogue.
Get into the dialogue with him, and in your actions, and in your firmness with him, show him how to have a conversation like this where two people respectfully disagree, and don’t resort to name-calling.
But also, know that you can’t be oversensitive, and take everything he says that is negative about something you feel is important, as a personal insult. It’s not. He has a right to tear down theism. He has a right to reject your beliefs, and do so strongly. That is not attack agianst you personally. You can ask him not to make you listen to it, and you can demand he do it without name calling. But you can't demand he stop arguing, strongly, agianst something he feels morally compelled to argue strongly agianst. You haven't that right.
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The Question
hey i really love the movie thirteen and i would like to know if i could watch it on the internet for 100% free? thanks :]
The Answer
Legally, you can't.
No one here should tell you how to do so illegally. They would be risking being banned.
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The Question
I am 26 now and didn't lose my virginity until I was 23 years old. I lost my virginity to a stripper from a nightclub I had been visiting. Since then I have been to 4 different female escort services though. I used condoms every time I went to an escort and we did have full penetration sex, but with the first girl I did not use a condom (I didn't really expect it to happen).
I have also received oral sex without a condom on and have given oral sex without barrier protection. These were also from the escort girls though. I think the escort services probably STD tested their girls on a fairly regular basis though, right?
I later had sex with a girl that was about 35 years old. We both got drunk at a party and their was no condom used. We engaged in full penetrative sex and oral sex. There is a high probability that she has been with many, many people because of her overall demeanor, but I don't know her from anyone and I couldn't tell you anything more about her to save my life.
About a year ago I took a trip to Las Vegas. I have low self esteem but was wanting to have sex so I actually picked up a couple prostitutes while I was in town. I am pretty sure that the second one I picked up was on some sort of drug because she was extremely eager to get her money and the others weren't as jumpy and strange.
I'm guessing that I probably have something, but not sure what. I was to afraid to get tested because I know that if I was positive for HIV or AIDS my life would be useless. I have a very nice job that pays well and I have no idea how I've stayed out of the drug scene. I am almost afraid that finding out I have an STD will push me to drugs because I will have to stop paying for sex. I could never get girlfriends so I turned to whores, I guess. I know that I was playing Russian Roulette every time I slept with these girls, but I felt I had no choice since I am unattractive, boring, have no sense of humor, etc.
1. What are the chances that I actually have HIV?
2. What are the chances that I have at least some type of STD?
3. What are the chances of have an incurable STD like Herpes?
The Answer
No one can pull these numbers out of thin air.
The important things is there is A CHANCE you have an STD. Certainly enough of a chance that it would be irresponsible for you not to get tested.
If you don't get tested, your simply running the risk of spreading it to someone else, which you have no right to do. And frankly, I know many HIV and AIDs positive people who are lovely, useful kinds of people. I'm sure you could be one of those type, if you wanted to be. Your depression and lack of self-esteem is going to stick around regardless of your having an STD or not. Perhaps you should work on that first and foremost, and just not sleep with anyone else until you get some of those issues under control. A therapist would be a better investment in your health and happiness then a prostitute.
Then, get tested.
If it comes back clean, maybe find yourself a regular, sensible, drug-free, professional sex trade worker who you feel you can trust. They exist out there, and it's safer all around then picking up sketchy ladies off the corner.
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The Question
I heard that the human papillomavirus causes vaginal warts? Is it true? I have bumps down there that I have concluded as being warts. They started to appear maybe like two months ago and won't go away. I've had sex with three people this past year but I'm only in 10th grade so I don't think the guys had any STDs. Anyway, I heard that the HPV causes genital warts. Do I have HPV then if I have these warts?
PS> The bumps are DEFINITELY not from shaving. They don't pop and they don't have like white heads or black heads or anything like pimples usually do. They're in AND around my vagina but I can't guess at how many...a lot. I don't think they're herpes because they won't pop and I looked up herpes online and it says that those go away in a few weeks and usually pop and leak or something. These bumps aren't going away.
The Answer
There are many kinds of HVP, some kinds cause warts. It's very possible you have HPV.
The good news is: Almost none of the kinds of HPV that cause warts, are linked to cancer. So the HPV you have is very likely a low-risk one.
Go to your doctor. They can test you. In some cases they can also remove the warts. They can also advise you on how to move forward knowing you have HPV.
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The Question
Okay, so I went to work 3 months ago, and they made me shave because I hadn't and it's work policy. After I finished shaving, I stupidly took some toilet paper(it was still in the dispenser, though some of toilet paper was sticking out), not knowing if it was used previously. It didn't look like it was used but I didn't pay close enough attention to know for sure. I got the shaving cream off my face, which there was more than one cut for the something to get into, with the toilet paper from the dispenser. If there was HIV infected cells on there, would I have a chance of getting an STD from it? I don't know how long it was setting there, of course. There's no sign of any other STDs. Should I have an STD test and an HIV/AIDS test done just in case?
The Answer
EDIT IN RESPONSE TO FEEDBACK:
The CDC goes on, in that very document, to say this:
"Since the HIV concentrations used in laboratory studies are much higher than those actually found in blood or other specimens, drying of HIV-infected human blood or other body fluids reduces the theoretical risk of environmental transmission to that which has been observed - essentially zero. Incorrect interpretations of conclusions drawn from laboratory studies have in some instances caused unnecessary alarm."
It's important to read the whole document, or you might miss the qualifiers. Scienctists are often bad at summerizing in a way that is useful to laymen readers.
What this means, is that unless there was wet, human saliva or blood on the tissue that was extremely recent (and excuse me for assuming you would have mentioned such a thing, should you have noticed it) CDC reports your risk of HIV contraction as being 'essentially zero' and cautions against 'unnecessary alarm'.
The stats, that HIV in every day occurrences cannot survive much beyond 10 to 20 seconds (ie, not laboratory conditions, but open air in common human living areas and surfaces) has been supported by studies from the CDC and the European equivalent, the European Centre for Disease Prevention and Control.
YOU SHOULD ALWAYS HAVE A HIV/STD TEST DONE JUST IN CASE.
That's what I said here. That's what a lot of people said here. STD/HIV screening isn't a bad idea, if you are sexually active in any way.
Why did you ask the question if you'd already made up your mind? It's your body, go ahead and have an HIV test. Ask a doctor for a CAT scan, and blood test and full check up if you feel you really need it. I just gave you advice, your health is still your responsibilty, despite any good, or bad, advice you might ever receive from a bunch of laymen online.
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It's highly unlikely, damn near impossible.
HIV can only survive outside of the human body, without fresh cells to attack, for about 20 seconds at very most.
I wouldn't bother with an STD test based on this incident alone. Although they are a good practice, if you are sexually active.
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The Question
Ok, so my boyfriends dad offered to sell me a car, that was valued at 6000, for 1500. He said eh wanted to keep the insurance and title in his name until the car was paid off. I had no problem with that, but when i was on my way to take him somewhere, someone ran a red light and smashed the car. its gone, totalled. now he wants to pay his random bills with the settlement! My bf thinks im being selfish by thinking that he should keep the 1500 that he would have gotten from me out of the settlement, and give me the rest to get a new car. Am i being selfish, or is his dad being a real jerk? I really think that he only wanted to keep it in his name so that he could reap the benefits if I got in an accident. Help! dont want to see his face everyday while im so angry at the fact that he's gloating that hes making out on the deal!
The Answer
This is why you need to put things in writing, even with family.
You are both being selfish, you and his dad.
The difference is, his dad has the law on the side of his selfishness, and without some sort of contract, you've got nothing. Even with a contract, unless you had paid the full amount already, you probably still having no legal standing.
Until the car was in your name, the car was on loan to you. It wasn't legally yours.
It does seem a little unlikely that his dad was leaving it in his name just in case you got in an accident. If that accident had been your fault, he would have been the one penalized for it! That's a pretty big risk to take.
When he offered you the car at a faction of it's worth: that was just a situation that played to your favor. You didn't feel bad about taking the car at less then what he could get for it did you? It was a sweet deal for you.
When it got totaled, that was just a situation that played well to HIS favor.
Is he supposed to feel bad that you don't get a seriously discounted car? The way it is now is a sweet deal for him.
My point is: You two are morally equal.
You were willing, and now he is willing, to take advantage of a situation that is beneficial.
(Yes, even if he's being a jerk by gloating about it.)
Although it's all well and good to say 'You should keep the extra money and his dad should just get $1500" it's also pointless, 'cause the insurance company is going to pay his dad, not you, 'cause his dad is the one who owned the vehicle and paid the insurance premiums and his dad has every legal (and yeah, even every moral right) to use that money however the hell he wants.
The only thing you can fairly expect, is whatever amount of the $1,500 you had already paid him. Since you are car-less, and the transaction was never completed, it would be a fair and reasonable expectation that you shouldn't be out money on a car you never owned.
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The Question
My parents don't really like me because they think i am mean at times. Like what happened today was:
Mom accidentaly stepped on my foot
Me "why did you step on my foot?"
Mom "It was an accident do you even think i will do something like that? i never saw your foot, after bringing all your stuff near you, you ask me a question like this?"
me "I am sorry i just asked it came out of my mouth"
Mom "I can't take it anymore, there is too much fights going on at home, its so unpeaceful."
Me "Cry..and finds this website which will hopefully help me"
The Answer
You are both being bitchy.
One of you is going to have to stop being bitchy, or your relationship will suffer and each time you speak to eachother, both of you will think "Oh no! Her agian. I better be bitchy first 'cause she's sure to treat me that way!"
So, stop being bitchy. Just cause your the kid doesn't mean you can't be the one to show a bit of maturity.
When your mother upsets you, don't respond right away, take a deep breath. Don't ask accusatory questions, or make assumptions about why something was done or what it meant, instead, just say what you feel right at the moment. Make your sentences about YOU, not about HER.
You might also ask her if she's upset, and what you can do to help make things better. Some of her suggestions might be nonsense, but if you listen closely you might find out that something simple (like, emptying the dishwasher or some silly little chore) will really help to calm her nerves.
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The Question
ok so we did exactly as the package said, fully erect, place on top, pinch top and roll down... we start rolling down and it gets all tangled and doesnt go on propperly it just sit in a bunched up mess half way down. when we do get one that gos on propperly it's fine, its a good fit. we'v only used "mates natural" condoms though. would a brand change help? or am i.. too wide? so to speak.
The Answer
Are you trying to apply it inside out?
This might not be the issue, but I wouldn't be surprised. Condoms are built with an inside and an outside, based on which way they want to unroll. It sounds to me like you are trying to unroll in the oppsite way then what was intended. The latex to be unrolled should be on the outside, away from the penis, not agianst it.
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The Question
I saw that you recently answered a question from a user regarding racism and the previous presidential election. Your answer seemed fairly thorough in your thoughts but I did have one question that I felt you could properly answer.
In the last presidential election I actually voted for John Mccain only because he is white. Race was the only factor I actually took into consideration, to be honest, and I did not want a black man heading our country because of his race. I understand that, as Americans, we have the rights to vote for whoever we'd like based on however we feel they should be judged. My question though is that was my choice in voting based on race actually racist?
Yes, I understand that I have the right to vote for a black president because he is black or a white president simply because he is white but that itself is not my question. I want to know if it's considered racism to any extent. That is all.
Thank you.
The Answer
Well yes, by dictionary definition that is racism.
Merriam Webster defines racism as:
1 : a belief that race is the primary determinant of human traits and capacities and that racial differences produce an inherent superiority of a particular race.
2 : racial prejudice or discrimination.
If you believe that because he black he is less capable then a white person, then yep, that's racist.
If you are uncomfortable with him as an individual, solely because of his race, that is racism.
Many people try to say that voting for Obama because he is black is racist (and although I agree it’s not a very good reason by itself) it’s actually not technically racist. Not by itself. Racism is the belief that race is the PRIMARY determinant of a person value and character and creates a superiority or inferiority of a personhood.
Most people I’ve spoken too who voted from Obama would NOT claim that his being black was a PRIMARY determinant of the man he is: It’s just a contributing factor, and in their world view, a positive contributing factor, but not the PRIMARY determinant of who he is. That’s why it’s not technically racism, it’s just not very good reasoning. I have not yet heard a person say “I’m not comfortable voting for a white man.” I haven’t even heard someone say “I’m MORE comfortable voting for a black man, then a white man.” Either of those statements would be racist, because they place a person’s race as the PRIMARY determining factor. There might be people out there who feel that way, but if so, I have not heard that sort of language used.
That is why I would say NOT voting for a black man is racist, but celebrating the fact that a black man happens to be president is not. They are two different statements. One says “A person of a particular race is not capable/allowed to hold that position.” And the other says “Given the context of this world, I think it is positive that a person of a particular race is holding that position.” The first is a racist bias, the second is just a different kind of bias, and one I don’t personally feel is the least bit morally wrong.
And it's important to remember: Just because you are FREE to do something, doesn't mean it's exempt from being judged as morally right or wrong.
You are FREE to hate anyone you'd like, for whatever reason you'd like.
You can hate your own mother if you want. Or your child. You are FREE to do that, and I’m FREE to think that that is morally reprehensible.
I also believe racist, is morally reprehensible, and unfortunately, a democratic election is the ONLY place where it is legal to allow racism to influence a hiring decision…
If you genuinely have a problem trusting people of different races, you should really do some soul searching to find out why. I never like to come across as attacking a person who asks a genuine question, but the simple truth is: Judging people based on race is almost impossible to avoid in all cases, but it is noble, rational and fair to TRY and avoid it anyways. We are called as rational, loving creatures, to rise up against our animalistic and xenophobic nature and to be better than our irrational fears and prejudices. Believing that race is a primary factor that establishes a person’s character or worth is irrational, judgemental and in my personal view, a black stain in the heart and mind.
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The Question
My best friend and I were talking yesterday about racism and we got on the subject of President Obama being a black man. We both heard people saying things like, "I'm not afraid to vote for a black man," and, "I'm voting for Obama because I'm not racist!" A lot of people we came in contact with seemed to not care what Obama was about but focused more on what color he was. Well, we both got to thinking and...isn't it racist to vote for a black guy just because he is black? Isn't that like NOT voting for a black man because he's black? It sounds pretty much like the same sort of racism, right? I don't know maybe we're over-thinking this sort of thing. What do you think?
The Answer
The wonderful, and frightening thing about voting, is that you may choose to vote for someone, or not vote for someone, for WHATEVER reason you want.
IF your friend voted for Obama, just 'cause he's black (and I'm not saying he did) but if he did, he has EVERY right to use that as his deciding factor: It might not be a good reason, but you don't have to have a good reason to vote for someone. You are actually perfectly entitled to flipping a coin, if you want too...
However, I actually don’t believe a significant number of people voted for Obama JUST because he’s black, AND I think there is nothing wrong with celebrating the fact he IS black either.
When John F. Kennedy was elected, many people celebrated the fact he was Catholic! There was a time when electing a Catholic President seemed impossible, so when it happened, a number of people celebrated that fact! Did some people vote for Kennedy JUST because he was a Catholic? Maybe. But that would be their right to do so, and frankly, I don’t think many people did it for that reason.
People voted for Kennedy because he was young, charismatic, and articulate and the world of the young was changing drastically then the generation before them. In appealing to the young, and their different and new values, Kennedy brought them out in droves to vote. Barak did much the same.
I think you are over thinking this. People don’t really know what their motivation is, especially after the fact, and I don’t think it’s helpful to assume the worst of them (ie, reverse racism). There is really no harm in being proud of the fact that there is a black president, even IF you didn’t vote for him at all!
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The Question
So I heard that the e-lottery Syndicate is now not available to US citizens because of some new legislation...is this still true? Is there any chance that it will be lifted or changed? I have read about it and it is a cool way to play the lottery and I much rather play and get 15cents back than play and get nothing back. I also like the multiple chances. So please no comments on what YOU think about the lottery, just stick to the facts about the legislation and if it will be changed. Now if you think it's a scam and you have physical PROOF like oh this and that person didn't get their money and this happens all the time then I am open to that, I have looked on line and people have checked it out and it's legit, but if you have something you want me to check out I am open. But just no: Oh I don't like the lotto or the lotto is a waste of money, etc. I like it and I play it. Thanks again for the info about the syndicate.
The Answer
Playing lotteries in other countries is almost always illegal, had been and will likely that way. Gambling on website not covered by the government you are a citizen and/or resident of has always been problematic and it was, in theory, illegal before 2008, although in 2008 the Bush administration passed legislation that clarified the issues surrounding online international gaming.
That's is probably never going to change: Lotteries are practically a liscence to print money, and almost all of the big ones are run by government at some level. Governments will guard those profits carefully.
UK Lottery Syndicates are almost always scams, and they fall into two categories:
One: because there is no way for an American citizen to legally collect their winnings, and the Lottery Syndicate conveniently doesn't mention that to their international clients, and continues to charge them each week without notice that they cannot actually win.
Two: Many 'syndicates' actually function as pyramid schemes. Google pyramid scheme and you'll understand, basically, they use the people who sign up after you, to pay you, and your payment to pay the people one level above you... Any syndicate which rewards you for bringing in new members, probably falls into this category.
If you are going to enter a syndicate, try to find a reputable one in your own country or state, OR start a lottery pool with some friends or co-workers. That's all a syndicate is really, a pool of about 40 people playing the lottery together to buy many numbers and enhance their chances of winning. You can do that on your own. (Only, don't take a 'cut' off of the pool, because it's illegal to earn money in the states from running a pool. All money must go towards the lotto and all wining must be split in accordance with the pay-in scale.)
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The Question
So I did something to make my husband not trust me (FYI, I have been married for 10 years and am having a significant b-day soon; perhaps I am in mid-life crisis mode). Actually more than one thing, two things. (1) I had two flirtations on FACEBOOK; strictly 2-dimensional, but definitely behaviour inappropriate for a married woman. Got caught, with one, fessed up to the other in an effor to be truthful. Deactivated my FACEBOOK; that was 3 1/2 months ago. (2) I sent an e-mail to an ex of mine admitting some unresolved feelings and wondering if we ever could have made it together; my husband found this e-mail {yes, by poking thru my personal stuff}. I maintain that ACTIONS SPEAK LOUDER THAN WORDS, and that these were thoughts conveyed in the e-mail with no interest in acting on these thoughts. He maintains that I had an 'emotional affair', (yes from one e-mail) and says he wants to forgive me but needs to takl about it 5x a week. What should I do?
The Answer
Go to marriage counseling.
He's right to want to talk about it, and it's not completely unfair of him to call it an emotional affair. Whatever else you did, you did go emotionally absent, off in other directions with your emotional life.
Actions do speak louder then words, and some of your actions scarred the shit out of him.
But talking without resolving anything isn't helpful or productive. So get a mediator involved who can help you shape your conversations and lead them towards something productive.
In the meantime: Acknowledging the depth of what you did will give your husband some peace of mind. Even if you don't believe you had an 'emotional affair' let him know that you respect his feelings and understand why he feels that is what happened. Don't try to explain it away as a mid-life crisis, that comes off as a excuse, instead simply say “Yes, what I did was completely inappropriate, regardless of the reasons.”
Even here in your question, you seem to be dodging the bullet and insisting 'It's not all THAT bad. Other people do worse...” and that is true! Other people do far worse, but it's not relevant to your partner, or his feelings what other people do or what their reasons are. I understand that you feel your husband is making too big of a deal of it all, but as long as you keep trying to make is a smaller deal, you are feeding into his fears and insecurities: He'll keep on feeling like he's being locked out of your emotional world. He wont feel heard, and he wont hear you. So start off by listening to what he believes, and acknowledging why he would feel that way and spend a bit less time trying to make him see it from your perspective.
And go to counseling, togeather, to turn these conversations into something that actually moves you forward, rather then things that keep you stuck in the same place.
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The Question
I'm a 23-year old female and my 22-year old fiancee and I just had a big argument over the price of my ring. He didn't buy me an engagement ring and though he promised to "get me what I wanted" he's basically saying now that expecting him to spend more than a couple of hundred dollars is outrageous.
I know he's not trying very hard to save, which is also pretty upsetting. What I'm asking for isn't a 5ct rock...just something I can be proud to wear.
I mean, we aren't rich, but I can't shake the feeling of wanting something I'll be happy with for a long time. I don't think spending $500 is exorbitant considering how much it will mean to me.
Did anyone go through something similar and if so, how did you and your significant other compromise?
The Answer
Find the ring you want.
Don’t put the cart before the horse. The important thing it’s how much it costs, the important thing is finding a ring you love.
Find THE ring you want.
Express that is it THE ONE.
The same way that he is THE ONE.
If it's more then he feels he can afford: Help pay.
That seems the easiest solution doesn't it?
If the rest of your life together is a partnership, why does it start with an expensive gift from the man to the women? I've never understood this...
Separate the problem with him not saving, from the problem of you not getting the ring you want.
A man who doesn't know how to save his money is a problem from the rest of your life. A man who doesn't feel the need to spend a lot of money on your engagement ring is a just a man with whom you have a difference of opinion on a single purchase. That can be discussed and compromises can be explored.
This whole conflict is part of a bigger issue, and one you should address BEFORE you get married: The issue of financial planning.
How much do you feel one should be saving on a regular basis? How much does he feel is sensible?
What big-ticket things will you be looking to purchase together? A bedroom set? A house? A honeymoon?
How will you divide these costs? Will it be according to your incomes? Will one, or both of you, go on a weekly allowance?
And once you throw a baby, or retirement planning into the mix… financial planning for a couple gets very, very complicated.
THAT is the discussion you need to have. Finding THE RING is important. Discussing how you plan to live together, financially, is far less romantic, and far more crucial. Use this as an opportunity to discuss big-picture planning, and if you want more then he can provide, think about the things you can do to make the ring, and the life, that you want happen, together.
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The Question
So, i'm 15 and female. My boyfriend for two months who I'm really starting to develop strong feelings for asked me to give him oral the other night. See, now I'm not prude okay? It's true I've never done that before, but I think it's normal to be nervous about EVERYTHING the first time. Hell, I was nervous the first time i got fingered! I just really don't like the idea of putting a guys penis into my mouth. Like common, thats kind of gross...for all you girls out there thats done it, is it that bad? Also, I don't want to be used by this guy! Like, if I'm open to exploring new things because he wants to, I don't want it to be a situation where we do this stuff and hes bored & leaves, you know? Anyways, do you think I should give in and just try giving him a blow job? There's a first for everything...or shoould i like stand my ground bc its kinda disqusting? hahaha let me know, kthanks, much love
The Answer
If you want to give it a try, go for it.
If you feel like you'd be 'giving in' to it, then obviously DON'T.
Sexual activity is not a FAVOUR. It's not something you do to be nice to somebody. It's something you do 'cause you are interested in it.
Frankly, I don't think 'disgusting' is a good reason to stand your ground. (I ate a roach once, much less disgusting then you'd think! Actually pretty cool. So, you never do know until you try.) However, if you don't want to try. Fine. Just let him know:
"Sorry, I'm still nervous about our relationship and waaaay nervous about that. I'm not ready for oral sex."
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The Question
I'm almost 25 years old, I'm a guy, and I like the Goo Goo Dolls. Is there something wrong with me? I know that they're pretty much "get laid" music, which means they get laid after a show, but I just enjoy the music they make. Am I a homo?
The Answer
If you like other men's penises, you are a homosexual.
If you like a particular brand of music, you just have a particular kind of taste in music.
Seriously, by twenty-five years old, it's high time to just be comfortable with who you are and not feel the need to apologize, or question your sexuality because of your musical tastes.
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