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Doomed love affair. Should I go for it? How do i hide if i do?
Hi.
I have a huge problem.
I'm 19/f and come from a super strict crazy ass family. My parents are very in touch with their culture (not from here) where as I was raised here (I moved when I was 9) I can relate to them but not completely. I feel closer to the culture here...yet I am not allowed to date (No I am not Muslim but we're sort of similar... they're cooler. they believe in love. we're probably mores strict that way and marriage and relationships are a contract. I am not revealing what exactly since I am pretty sure a lot of my friend might be on here) or be romantically involved I have to be at home most of the time. Malls, movies, any other form of entertainment requiring you to be out of the house is highly discouraged and usually requires a "chaperon" . Well you can tell where this is going... yep a doomed love story.
I fell for this french guy over the past few months. We've been eying each other for over a year but he's shy and I've been giving him mixed signals (my parent's travel for business so when their gone I let go a little and dare to look and smile and come up with dumb ways to talk to him... but when they're back I am on my tippy toes to stay out of trouble and avoid being sent back to my fanatic uncles) So for a while it cooled off then my parents where gone for more than 3 months and I couldn't help myself and I kept eying him again and this time he got the hint (I feel so bad, guilty, and selfish) we're at the point where he goes out of his way to come say hello and I know he'll be asking me out. The problem is that I am conflicted. I don't know if I should say yes (because I desperately want to! I really really like him! and i don't know if I would be able to keep him as just a friend) or no (and seriously end it this time once and for all). If I say yes I might get caught and get in trouble especially that my parents are going to be back in a few months for a very longgg time (no business trips for a while) and I am on a tight leash and my every step will be watched... If I say no I will never know if he and I were meant to be (I really believe he's worth it- I don't usually fall in love or have crushes) ... and if i say no without explaining he'll think i am a jerk. If I do explain why not he might be weirded out... and if i say yes I need him to know that I can't be there always and that our relationship can't be "normal"... I don't want to come off as weird (comes with the territory though, I know... but you just don't tell someone who doesn't know you as YOU yet this kind of stuff at the beginning ...u need them to get to know you first and then decide that it's your parents not you) I don't know if he'll accept it... and I don't have enough time to get this through to him in case we ever get together. he might think I am wasting his time...
Especially that in the end there is no way this can go anywhere (because I have to go back one day and marry someone from their culture and i have to have a "clean slate" so to speak) and i can never ever EVER risk telling them or anyone that we are together.... they'll kill me!
Sneaking out will be very very hard since as I said going out is discouraged and I have to report home after classes and because my every move is calculated... I have a few months till they get here say from now till the beginning of December...
I really do want to go out with him. Although I've never dated or had a boyfriend before I really like this guy and think I am willing to risk it... no matter what I do though... it won't be the same...
What should I do? I don't want him to get hurt and i don't want to embarrass myself... I really like him :( oh and for the record i met him randomly, we never had classes or mingle in the same place... I usually see him where he works and that's where he says hello or I go up to him if I need help with something (for real not as a way to get him to notice me!)
anyway... I'd really appreciate your input. It is very crucial right now so i'll know how to proceed. If in case you think it's selfish then please tell me how to avoid this without making him confused and without coming of as mean or arrogant or something. If you think I should go for it, how do I hide it from my parents. how do we see one another? how do i go about telling him about the situation in a subtle way? my best friend thinks i should avoid this to not get in trouble part of me wants to but the other part says he's worth it (not my neck though!) i am just scared they'll find out...... and my options are limited I can probably only meet on campus and where he works. but what kind of dating will that be!!! he probably won't be willing anyway.... urghhh i am confused please help me.....
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I give you props for talking about this. You are doing the right thing trying to solve this issue. Why? well one day today or tomorrow you will realize that maybe you should have done something..well on with my opinion i offer you this three options all are risky and all are silly stupid..ONLY if you see them that way.
1.be honest let him know about your culture and that you really would like to give it a opportunity but that he needs to understand how your family would view you and him and the relationship. I mean you do want to be honest with him right? and him the same right? he deserves the right to choose and see whats up ahead right? and you deserve to have someone who will be willing to work and be with you regardless of what anyone thinks right?
2. just let him be your friend. it might feel your in lovepain cause you like him but he will have the chance to see you and your families point of view with out you saying much. He will have the chance to prove himself to you that no matter what he wont change his view on you, youll have him close to talk and be there when things get tough and youll get a huge chance to really find out with out risking your familys traditons if you really like him or if you just think you like him.
3. start plannig ahead what do i mean?? maybe its time to start thinking flying solo in other words maybe getting a job and working in reaching your career goal while living on your own. that way youll get to see life and resposibility in a new way.You need to decide do I want a arranged wedding? do i want to follow this tradition? would i like to make my children follow this tradition or would i like to even offer it to my children? see it this way you have a right to choose, yes they are your parents and yes you need to honor them but no they dont need to abuse their paternal authority. did they like all of the choices their parents made on them? im not saying to complaint. im saying can you adapt to the choices they have made for you? if so yes then dont get involved with anyone else and certainly do not get anyones hopes up, but if no then dont want follow the choice's. first get a career or better yet be able to support yourself, then youll have a much higher resposibility and right to choose more freely. they may threaten in banishment but again would it be fair to your children for you to make em feel and go through the confusion and sorrow you are going thru?
finally you need to be happy regardless and suport the choices you make in life. I hope this helps
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I believe, that is if you have already decided in yourself, that you are going to go back to your home country, and marry someone your family selects for you, then you have absolutely NO business dating anyone.
It would be more then doomed: It would be dishonest. Almost like an affair.
There is no subtle way to say “I've already decided what my life will be, and I just want to have fun with you for a while, while keeping my parents in the dark about it, and preserving my good name so I can go back to my home country and find a good match there.”
That is the truth, and to not say it, or to be 'subtle' about it, would be dishonest.
And you are right if you think that most guys wouldn't be okay with dating someone in that situation. Most wouldn't.
If you don't want to live this life, this life where you obey, and this life where you must find a 'proper' man to enter into a marriage contract with, then you better start working on that first, and coming up with a plan for independence.
Children sneak around behind their parent's backs.
Adult women stand up for what they want and believe, and accept the consequences.
You have some serious thinking about your life to do, and it has very little to do with this boy, and a lot to do about how you are going to live, and live honestly, with yourself and others. You wont know what to do, until you make some choices about what you want in life.
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