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A Breech of Trust; I don't want a divorce
So I did something to make my husband not trust me (FYI, I have been married for 10 years and am having a significant b-day soon; perhaps I am in mid-life crisis mode). Actually more than one thing, two things. (1) I had two flirtations on FACEBOOK; strictly 2-dimensional, but definitely behaviour inappropriate for a married woman. Got caught, with one, fessed up to the other in an effor to be truthful. Deactivated my FACEBOOK; that was 3 1/2 months ago. (2) I sent an e-mail to an ex of mine admitting some unresolved feelings and wondering if we ever could have made it together; my husband found this e-mail {yes, by poking thru my personal stuff}. I maintain that ACTIONS SPEAK LOUDER THAN WORDS, and that these were thoughts conveyed in the e-mail with no interest in acting on these thoughts. He maintains that I had an 'emotional affair', (yes from one e-mail) and says he wants to forgive me but needs to takl about it 5x a week. What should I do?
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Dear Mrs. Breech,
Let me take this moment to tell you that sometimes it's harder to lie than tell the truth. What you need to be asking yourself is that do yiou still love your husband or are you still IN LOVE with your husband? People get them confused because they try to justify their actions and feelings by saying one and not meaning another. Being honest with yourself will make it easier to be honest with your husband and others. Do you see yourself with your husband or has that time with him just become what it has become? If you have children together, then you two need to make a decision on what you want because it affects them most of all. Whether it's the children you have now or any on the way then you must make that decison with each other. Do not let unresolved feelings or desires for others control the marriage. If you want to stay together BOTH not ONE of you need to be committed to the marraige. If not, then walk away with your dignities and whatever respect you have for each other left and live your lives the way you want so you or your children do not get hurt anymore. You guys need a serious talk now before it is too late.
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He is not over the hurt & betrayal. I don't blame him you need to keep reasurring him alls well in the real world you got carried away in cyber world it won't happen again. Your not the only person to do this. your going to have to earn his trust back. help him build his bridge & get over it together. You crossed the line you know you did now your got to work on going forward from this.
needs to takl about it 5x a week. What should I do?
Theres nothing more to say I told you everything. give him a cuddle and reasure him you really love him you both got a bit distant but your fine now.
turn your adversity into positives.
Good luck.
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Do you know how bad that hurts your insides? and yet you pounce around like its no big deal.
you get angry because he ask so much? maybe you made him feel worthless and servery corrupted his emotions.
In your mind its all swell but in his mind hes thinking your thinking of wild things to do with other men
best thing to do is to show him how much you love him, let him know that hes your only interest, do extra things for him etc, good luck with the trust part though
Thats the only guess I got.
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A married woman should not be telling an ex that she still has unresolved feelings for him. It wasn't right of your husband to be going through your private information but on the other hand you must of raised the suspision that you were doing something that wasn't right. You did not once admit that you were wrong in what you said instead it seemed like you were looking to blame your husband for going through your information. You said he probably wants to forgive you and needs to talk about it 5 times a week. I will say if you didn't want a divorce I would think you wouldn't take the risk in the marriage. I do not know your husband but I can say if he wants to talk about it that much you have clearly broke his trust and as much as he wants to forgive you it could take a long time before he fully trust you again.
What should you do?
YOU have given your husband a reason to not trust you, Admit you were wrong and take the fall for what you did. The saying "actions have consequences" is true. If you do not want to stay in the marriage than it's only fair that you let your husband know instead of leading him on.
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well i dont see much wrong with the facebook flirting if it wasnt anything too bad. but a married woman telling her ex about her feelings for him? seriusly? i understand it was kind of wrong of your husband to look thru your stuff. if you want to stay with him and for him to trust you, just say your sorry and you dont know what you were thinking. tel him you love him and youll do whatever it takes too make it up to him.
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Go to marriage counseling.
He's right to want to talk about it, and it's not completely unfair of him to call it an emotional affair. Whatever else you did, you did go emotionally absent, off in other directions with your emotional life.
Actions do speak louder then words, and some of your actions scarred the shit out of him.
But talking without resolving anything isn't helpful or productive. So get a mediator involved who can help you shape your conversations and lead them towards something productive.
In the meantime: Acknowledging the depth of what you did will give your husband some peace of mind. Even if you don't believe you had an 'emotional affair' let him know that you respect his feelings and understand why he feels that is what happened. Don't try to explain it away as a mid-life crisis, that comes off as a excuse, instead simply say “Yes, what I did was completely inappropriate, regardless of the reasons.”
Even here in your question, you seem to be dodging the bullet and insisting 'It's not all THAT bad. Other people do worse...” and that is true! Other people do far worse, but it's not relevant to your partner, or his feelings what other people do or what their reasons are. I understand that you feel your husband is making too big of a deal of it all, but as long as you keep trying to make is a smaller deal, you are feeding into his fears and insecurities: He'll keep on feeling like he's being locked out of your emotional world. He wont feel heard, and he wont hear you. So start off by listening to what he believes, and acknowledging why he would feel that way and spend a bit less time trying to make him see it from your perspective.
And go to counseling, togeather, to turn these conversations into something that actually moves you forward, rather then things that keep you stuck in the same place.
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