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mixed signals <<< Previous Question
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What to do...my wife wants to have sex with another man


Question Posted Friday October 9 2009, 8:38 am

Okay this is a bit complicated! I have always told my wife that I am open to a threesome with another man if it would make her happy. When we first got together she mentioned the idea, sort of playfully, and I took it as a serious thought of hers. I let her know that if things were going to be completely open between us then I would consider such things. I guess I didn't think she was truly serious.

Anyway, the last discussion about this sort of sexual fantasy was a month ago and she said, "No! Absolutely not!" and that she is married and only wants to be with me. To be honest, I was quite relieved. I have no sexual desire for me and I would prefer my wife to only be with me.

Well, about 3 days ago, completely out of the blue, she tells me she found another guy she wants to engage in sex with. The catch is that she wants to have sex with this guy alone and without me present. She said she doesn't even want me to watch. Apparently, she used to know him but did not like him in any romantic or sexual way. I feel like she may be hiding some past secret desire to be with him, sexually, and is afraid I will "freak out" if she opens up and tells me the truth.

After two days of talking with me about this other man, she tells me she is just curious and that just kissing the guy and not even having sex with him would cure that curiosity. So, now she's taken it down a large notch and says that she no longer desires to have sex with this other man but wants to kiss him?

I have noticed her talking on the phone to "friends" more often these past few days. She ends the conversation when I come into the room. She has also come home two hours late from work yesterday, which is something that has never happened before. I feel like she is distancing herself from me.

What should I do? I am not really comfortable with this but I feel like the whole situation is my fault. I shouldn't have told her I would be open to other sexual things, I know, but I really wanted her to be happy and satisfied in our marriage. I don't know to "take that back" without seeming like a prick.

Yes, I want her to be happy. No, I don't want her to kiss, make-out, hook-up, or have sex with another man. I made a huge mistake. How do I fix this? If she kisses the other man, I'm going to feel crushed, but I want her to be happy and satisfied with me in this marriage. Please, help me!


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honestholly answered Wednesday October 14 2009, 10:04 pm:
Wow--I have truly been exactly where you are right now ,only it was my husband and him wanting another chick to join us. This may be a little long but I'm gonna try to keep it as short as I can and yet still tell you how it ended up for me.

For months this is all he wanted to talk about, especially everytime we were getting ready to make love. I was so hurt to think that I wasn't everything he desired and wanted--it totally killed me to think that he wanted more. We had already done alot of other things to spice up our sex life, and some of those things I wasn't real comfortable with either but I wanted to make him happy. I just figured that if we did other things he would eventually forget about the threesome--well he didn't. Finally, after months of talking about it and a couple of times of him cheating I decided to go through with it. Partly because I figured if I did this then he wouldn't have a reason to cheat. Well, long story short, I picked the person and we set it up. It was the WORST decision I have ever made!! The "threesome" ,basically ,was just him going all fu----g ga-ga over her! I couldn't believe that he just totally ignored the fact that I was there too, naked ,and getting no attention!! Right in the middle of the whole thing I totally freaked out and made it all stop! Things were never the same with us after that and we eventually ended up getting a divorce. Now don't get me wrong, I'm far from being a "prude" when it comes to sex, but I truly believe that it is common and ok to wonder and fantasize about what something like that would be like, but to actually go through with it even though it's not something you want ,is the wrong thing to do. Your wifes present behavior is telling me that she's gonna eventually cheat on you--one way or another, providing she hasn't already done so!

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SeshLover answered Friday October 9 2009, 2:16 pm:
Lol, threesome...hot...Sorry....

Well tell her that you are absoulutely not comfortable with any other man touching her. Now this is exactly as you said, partly your fault but remind her that she's the one who said she only ever wanted to be with you.

Simple talking should solve the problem.
Explain why you suggested it in the first place. No yelling please. And make her understand that you had no actual wish to carry it out, just to see her fulfilled.

If everything comes to everything, Tell her to kiss the guy and get it over with and fall back into a now more-passionate filled life, (on your side) If you don't ever want her to suggest anything like this again, I would say start preparing to give up a few extra hours of sleep!

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Razhie answered Friday October 9 2009, 12:46 pm:
You, and your wife, are both completely aware that there is more going on here then just curiosity.

I'm all for chasing sexual experiences with your partner.
I'm all for open relationships, and other arrangements like that, when both adult partners are game and understand what is going on.

I'm not for sudden, drastic changes to relationships based on one persons, poorly expressed, and poorly thought-out, passing desire.

And that is what this is.

It's completely fair to tell her you aren't comfortable with the speed at which this is going.
Yes, you are going to seem like a bit of a prick for taking it back. But it's either seem like an honest prick, or be a dishonest husband. The choice should be obvious.

Remember that she too, has not been clear about her desires or feelings.

You both need to sit down and work on being explicit and honest about your desires within the marriage, before your marriage will be strong enough and your understanding clear enough, to actually pursue anything outside of it.

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