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Life is an adventure but Life doesn't come with user manuals for everything. School subjects do little to prepare us. Its no wonder we all need helpful advice sometimes. Blessings to you!

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How do i give my self a bruise no makeup and quickly no makeup and also i wanna know how to cut my eyebrow and leave a scar in the most painless way i wanna know pls answer 🙏🙂

In case you feel solidadvice is alone in what was said, I back them up fully. i have seen this request in the past. I do know that young people with lots of stress in their lives are turning to 'pain' to deal with their stress such as in 'cutting.'
If what they do hurts enough to take their focus off what truly troubles them, then they feel successful and want more. But that is the problem. So giving yourself a bruise or scars anywhere are only a temporary fix if you can call it that, never last long and do nothing to change what is troubling or hurting you in the first place. The better choice is talking to a counselor if unable to bring yourself to share with a trusted family member. A school counselor is a good start but in the end, a licensed professional who has had many years of training in understanding the human mind and the issues people end up struggling with, are the best equipped to help. If you are afraid of seeing someone that will just order prescriptions for you, I understand because I wouldn't want that either, as it is nothing more than a bandaid on the problem, same as what you wish to do. The newer training, decades old now is CBT, Cognitive Behavioral Therapy. People licensed in this will work with you and your thought life to help you where the issues usually start. The majority of people taking meds are not helped because only CBT can cure them so they don't need meds. Only a few do. So if you see someone trained as a CBT practitioner, they will take the time to work with you first on your thoughts. Believe me, even I as a kid and teen suffered anxieties long before the labeling for them and was cured simply by following what I heard God tell me to do when I prayed. Eons later I read a psycholigists book and found that what he recommended a person do to overcome what their thoughts held them back, was exactly what I had done years ago. So I know it works and that many adults have some kind of negative thought life. If you are a minor, your parents would want to know, I had a child who never told me until she was 23 that she was depressed. Parents want to help their kids, unless your parents are the problem here. But either way, I also recommend you see a professional because what you are asking for, is not normal and is not going to help.

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28/f 32/m

I was reflecting over my last relationship and I can’t help but keep thinking that this is a red flag—
When I first met my ex, he told me that he was moving to Texas because he was building a house. Eventually it had been revealed that his MOM was building a house in Texas and he was moving into the house (but his parents are planning on staying in California).

Later on, I found out that the condo he was living (and later sold) in California was also owned by his parents. Which by the way, this was a condo that him and his ex-fiancé lived in. When it was sold, he moved back in with his parents but he lived in a separate area in the house so he could have his own privacy.

I remember as he continued to talk about the new house that was being built, he kept talking about how excited he was to design certain parts of the house. But I couldn’t help but think “… but it’s your parents house?? You didn’t put any money into it?”

Can someone tell me why I might think this is a red flag? I don’t see much of a problem with this with someone who’s in their 20s, but my ex is 32 and I couldn’t help but be bothered about this.

I don’t know if it’s because I came from a different background where my family was poor so I had to build my own legacy. I didn’t want to rely on my parents (nor did I really had a choice)?? This is just me thinking out loud. I may be wrong. But I’m genuinely curious.

Since he is the ex, mulling over him, the relationship and what he said is useless unless you use what you experienced with him to learn something that will help you in your life now and the future. Deal is, it's hard to sometimes see things unless you are looking back decades and finally get it, but then a good chuck of your life will be over. So I will share what i see and what it makes me feel.

A person can say anything that isn't the full truth and good people who trust easily or don't question anything, are easily fooled at first. So the first thing to learn from this is that words are cheap. it is too easy to say something or spin it the way you want to, hoping people will assume something that is not true, because you told half the truth, or omitted an important piece of information. If his parents could own or at least pay for a condo, their own home and now this one in Texas, they must be very well to do. The middle class has almost all but disappeared with todays economics. I grew up lower middle class and now I am poor. I started owning a home with ex. but as he had his business working out of the home and a home office, when the time came, I let him have it and all i wanted was a divorce which took him 7 yrs to agree to after I left him. We both worked to afford a house and raising 3 kids. Those kids now have families of their own and money is tight and none own a house. Today, it is not uncommon for young adults to both work and yet not be able to afford a house on their own. The economy is messed up royal. I know of two families with kids,both renting a house together with one family upstairs and the other in the fully finished downstairs. And its no bodys fault that the struggle is so real. I don't know for sure but perhaps the bf/ex was embarrassed that he could not afford things as his parents do. That is caused by the economy and cost of living being totally out of whack. I don't know if he is working or not, but if a guy is doing their best, working long and hard, he shouldn't be embarrassed and just let the truth be known. If he had said he worked hard and saved and cant pay off a student loan let alone ever dream of buying or building his own home, then that is truthful. If he prefers not to work, live free and easy off his parents, then something is wrong. Imagine raising kids who would turn out to be just like lazy Dad.
Now, no matter what he did, you need to examine what you did or didn't do. Did you ask him questions and did he volunteer the info easily or did he have to be pestered forever to answer a question. At 32, I am sure there are a few people who can afford a new house built, designed and furnished all with new items and that can be pricey. So if by some chance, he has the kind of job he earn big bucks from, then you should have known about his employer, who they are, and been to his place of work at least once. Another way to have that money at that age, is having won a lottery big enough to do so, whether he is working or not. But a hard worker today can not be the only bread winner. My husbands Dad remembers being the only earner, Mom was a stay at home which was common in those days. Though things were tight at times, if they saved and watched what they spent money on, like only necessary and no big splurges, then he was able to put all 3 kids through college, afford to own a home and vacation property, a couple good reliable cars and so forth. That is a thing of the past and no longer exists. Yes, people earned lots less but then everything else was reasonably priced for what you earned. Not so now. We can't earn what we need to have the basics. Today, there are working people who are still homeless, because they will never be able to earn enough unless they win the lottery.
So if his parents have bought him a place to live, and can easily afford it, that is basically the new norm. parents and grandparents helping out the adult kids who can't have their basic needs taken care of. THrowing money at a monthly rent is a waste if the parents can afford to buy a ready made condo or home for their kids if the parents are wealthy. But if the adult kids do nothing to contribute, no job, just sit around and play computer games or party, well then I would call that a Red Flag. The other Red Flag is not being open and vulnerable enough until there is trust, to share anything and everything to a potential partner. With my ex and current husband, I knew everything, nothing was a secret, even who ex girlfriends or a ex wife was. I met both husbands best friends, knew always where they worked and got a chance to visit once or twice to the place they worked, and met coworkers, and the list goes on. My guess if that you want someone who is open and honest, someone who willingly talks about all the details of their past and present life and their dreams of the future, who is verbal enough and in love enough to want to compliment gf or wife, build her up, be supportive of her talents and dreams. It can be something simple. We have one vehicle, both retired, and I just visited and stayed at a daughters this weekend and asked him to take me. No complaints or whining as i got from the ex for something similar. Make a list of what you need and what you want in a guy and you will be changing or adding to it as situations come up that you didn't think of as needing to be on the list. In meanwhile, he is an ex of yours, so concentrate only on what you learned and apply it to your future.

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My husband has been having an issue with going to work here lately. At first I wasn’t saying anything. But now I’m getting worried about our future. I have been now saying things about missing work and yes I have fussed about it. All he says to me is to mind my own business. I told him that we love together and that him not going to work is mind business because it affects me as well. Am I in the wrong?

A husband and wife are a team, like ...lets say two people who are co owners of a business. If there are two owners, one can't make a big decision without the other and what one does affects the other and the possibility of hurting the business. If looked at in that context, which is how I see it, a husband and wife are like co owners, just called marriage partners and are in a marriage together. What one does, as your husband does, will affect you. Do you have a right to be concerned? Yes, because you are marriage partners. If you were singles that sometimes dated, then you would not have the right to be concerned over any guy you know as far as what he does, doesn't do, and as much as you might like to think, doesn't affect you because it can't legally affect you. As long as you are married to him, you will be held responsible legally if anything goes wrong. If he goes into debt, so do you, if a couple splits without a legal divorce, either partner will be sought out to pay up the others debts if for some reason they can't.

The reason he says 'mind your own business' could be to deflect a conversation he is embarrassed, not ready to talk about, or never wants to admit and talk about. The truth of how this world system is set up is all about money so if you don't work, you have no money to pay for things. With the pandemic, that was reason enough for people to question how they go about bringing home the paycheck. Many who can return have decided not to and beg to do work on line from home. Since the variant is still going around, thats not a bad idea. Do you know why he is missing work? I assume he is not physically ill and does have a job? If employed by someone and not self employed, he won't have a job forever if he avoids it. So he needs to talk and if he won't do it for you, ask him to go see a counselor. If he is unwilling to admit to a problem, to talking, to seeing a professional who might be able to help him through whatever holds him back, you may have to give him an ultimatum that you are willing to go through with, no empty threats ...and that may get him moving. However, if things get really bad for both of you, then like two partners not seeing eye to eye, the company suffers and falls apart, well the same can happen to a marriage. I hope something great will happen for both of you soon.

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Hi :) My name is Jane and I’m 22.
I dont even know where to begin. I start my 1st year of my Masters degree in a few weeks. I got rid of my one toxic friend from high school about 2 years ago. I tried to be friends with but I just couldnt continue.

And this one “friend” is also from high school. I gave her another chance bc before that I told her I dont wanna be friends with her. She always tells me how are we gonna travel during the summer but we never do. When we would hang out, it would always be only 2 hours…always. And it was always exhausting bc no matter what we talked about, she alway had to outdo me and be better than me.

I study translation and i told her that I got translating part-time job, she told me she also got translation job and that she has to use Google Translate bc she studies engineering!!

She always has to make sure she is better. She got red diploma and she had to ask me “But you got blue diploma right?” I could go on and on. When we met during summer she told me where she has been but she didnt mention anything about her promised plans to hang out during summer.

I also paid for her drink one time and she told me she would pay me back. We’ve been for a drunk three times and she never paid me back. I almost paid for the last time we were out but im not stupid so she had to pay me.

I just wanna ask if its ok to block her. I dont wanna be friends with her. She is a terrible person and everytime I came back home I was crying bc I couldnt handle it anymore. Im just worried what she will tell others bc we have mutual friends. I dont wanna be seen as the bad guy, when its me who is being used. In 2 years we will have highschool reunion and I dont know what will I do. The saddest thing is that she was “nobody” in high school. Not many people talked to her.

I dont know why i attract toxic friends :/

I also wonder about your statement of attracting toxic friends. who reached out to whom first? If you reached out to her because you felt sorry for her, perhaps you feel obligated for some reason. Start paying attention dear cus in this situation you will either learn, or not, and this will help you in any future possible relationships, friends or a lover or even future husband.

It is impossible to know ahead of time whether a person will turn out to be a terrific friend or not. Even a future bf,or husband will need to be of 'best friend quality' besides having the extra thing you don't have with just friends, the romantic chemistry. However, even if you can't know right away, the moment a problem arises, you need to bring it to their attention, let them know it is something you don't like and now that the rule has been shared, they know if they do it one more time, that the friendship is over because a friend would not do that, an enemy will, or a messed up person will. So you do see she is toxic. The first time you realized this was not when you decided to write advicenators, but quite some time back. You will know how long ago it was. What did you do? Did you tell her that you did not consider whatever behavior to be normal or not harmful to the friendship and did you ask her to stop. Parents can ask a child to stop, while trying to raise them and teach them, but without laying out clearly the consequences of a repeat, there is no way a child, let alone an adult acquaintence is going to change. So did you let her know that if she repeated 'what ever issue it is' again, then you will no longer associate with her and that means not in person nor over the phone, text or computer. When I married my second husband, I had laid out my boundaries, everything I could think of ahead of time and he obeyed them all, because he didn't want to hurt my feelings. I didn't think to add one on PDA's. I tend to consider other peoples feelings and though I wouldn't mind receiving all the PDAs I can stand, at the same time, I do draw the line at certain things that would disturb me too if I witnessed it with some other couple. He could tell I was instantly upset and asked if he had done something to hurt me. I told him I could not fault him this time as I had not thought to include PDAs in the boundaries I mentioned. He promised me it would never happen, and he kept that promised. He also did not feel I attacked his manliness because I did mention I didn't want him to stop, I loved his attention just curtail it when people might be able to see it.
So my first guess is that there is something you are supposed to learn to do, I had one biggie like that in my life and it was the hardest thing in the world to do, something I knew many failed at but I knew I had to, or die...yes I mean that, die.
You are not a professional anything in any way so you can not help her. Being a good example and hoping it will rub off one day, is a nice thought but it doesn't work very often. My ex had 30 yrs with me to change for the better and he never did and refused counseling. We can not say or do anything that will make a person change for the better. They have to either already be that right whole person or they have to have a desire that comes from within them, to change for the better, a little bit every day. So if you became friends with her, hoping she would change some things and become more like you, well nice try but that was a waste of time. Choose a person, a friend,or mate, because at the beginning they are already an equal with you. My husband and I met a guy at the library of all places. We get this somethimes where people see us as a happy couple and that sends out a beacon to them, and they become like moths attracted to the light. Toxic people can see the light in you and are attracted because they don't have any inside of them so they approach you as this guy approached us and got us talking and eventually the guys traded phone numbers. He pursued my husband to help him with a cooking Chef job (not for a restaurant) but a paid job that required two to prepare all the needed meals. It was a good job for my hubby but this was the footheld the guy had in his mind. I did him a favor getting him into this job, so I should be able to expect any favor from him. So he'd ask my husband to bring him home after work, sometimes to go running errands but not pay for sometime Uber drivers get paid, its a friend so he doesn't need to get paid to take me places. That worn thin and it took a long time of hubby grumbling and complaining to me before he snapped and did what I told him to do, stop associating with the guy. He could never be a real friend, he was just an acquaintence we made by his approaching us first. We would never have spotted him and decided we had to be friends. So hubby put a restraining order on the guy cus we were living out of our van at the time and the guy knew we worked in the same area we hung out in so he'd hunt for our van in a certain neighborhood and then come bang on the door. Hubby finally outright told him to no longer approach us, we were not going to be friends any longer and he told the guy in phone message why. Then a while later the guy finds us parked outside hubbies job place. Starts trying to talk and hubby told him to go away. The guy asks why. He was told to listen again to why in the phone message we left. He was told repeatedly to leave and he didn't so hubby threatened to call the police. A threat if only words won't stop most people. They have to see you carry through before they know they can't get any with anything any longer. Hubby called the police who showed up at our van and they asked for a description and name. They ran the name and sounded interested in his whereabouts to updage their records I guess cus they asked if he was the guy with that name who lived at (gave us an address a bit south of where we were.) When we said he didn't live there, they wanted the new address and other contact info cus that guy was an ex con. That explains the act of stealing my husband found him doing. Sometimes, hon...we happen to run across people in life who are a drag, a drain on our energy and giving nothing back so there is no benefit to you from the association with that person. Other than family members you don't have a choice to choose, you can choose wisely on all the rest.

Do you realize that in asking us if its okay to block her, you revealed something about yourself that may be a problem. I don't know if it applies in this toxic friend thing, but its your life and its your decision about anything that you decide to do, not mine or anyone elses. So asking permission makes me suspect that you may not be confident about your decision making abilities. If you are ready to assert your authority, have that confidence not matter what others may think or say, you do, as I choose to do, that which is best for me with all the wisdom and life experience I have at any given point of time. And as I grow and learn more, my decisions may become more precise, more picky. If you are not a person who tends to be comfortable being assertive, then that is like a beacon to all those who lack in some way in life, who don't have many friends (for a reason) and force themselves on you to be a friend, and they will succeed in insinuating themselves into your life because they can see or sense you are not a confident person so its likely you wouldn't try to push them away.
For now, do what you must to cut off the relating to her. If you feel she needs a clear letter stating why, then send it to her but block her and if she shows up in places trying to find you, you will have to walk away at the time, not explaining again if she asks why. Just tell her she already knows why and that in the future, if she approaches you again, you will call the Police for harassment. I know it sounds mean but this is a situation where being kind of in between, not as harsh, is not going to work. Its challenge to the toxic person to find a way to act as if it didn't matter what you said, or that you didn't understand and would play it like she and you are besties. Afterwards, when done dealing with her, you might want to get another opinion, like ask a counselor if they can determine if anything is holding you back in life, and what that is which you need to change in you to see the change in your life. Then do it!

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No long intro, Im 22 (female) and he is 18.
We both met/got to know each other in february. I met him online and we have pretty much the same friend group. We were always kinda attracted to each other and on 29th of june he asked me to be his girlfriend. I said yes.
We couldnt meet up in august, which made me overthink a lot. I knew he had A LOT of work. He would basically work all day because he got 3 jobs at the same time. The only time he had was on sundays but he needs some time for himself as well, so I respected that. We still played games together, or watches tv shows.

Yesterday we had this conversation about how he is scared that I will lose interest and leave him. Im in love with him and would in almost every scenario work things out rather than to break up. I explained that he might be projecting but he denied it. He doesnt want me to see him with his hair undone because hes afraid that I might not like it?
Hes also mentioned that he has no guarantee that im gonna be forever on his side, so hes scared and doesnt know how to act.
I stopped turning on my facecam for him when we talk nor did I ask him out recently to do something together. He always sees me play with other people.

MY QUESTION now is: Am I overthinking or does he want to give us slowly up? I dont need a guarantee to work on this relationship but he on the other side needs some sort of idk... confirmation which I obviously cant give him.
He got betrayed a lot in his life, so I understand his struggles. I will always support him no matter what though.
im just really confused


thank you for reading.

The problem right now is that the two of you don't have enough time being with each other, around each other, to have the chance to gain trust. Trust takes a long long time to earn but once it's in place, two people can trust each other with anything, seeing each other with messy hair, when sick and throwing up, sharing your own thoughts, etc. You understand he's experienced betrayal in the past. At 18, he doesn't have much life experience yet to look at and compare to your and his experience.

I left my first husband after 30 of no change (verbal abuse from him) and his refusing to see a psychologist after we found one and he agreed to go. But he didn't. Now I had plenty of broken promises and lies from him plus the bad treatment in general for 30 yrs. I could have gone into the next relationship afraid that some trust issue would occur that might kill the relationship. But I was older and had been reading a lot about relationships,watching couples and also learning from mistakes such as how to really tell if a person is who they say they are. This is something he will need to learn so take what i share from this point on, put in your own words but repeatedly share them with him.

When people first meet, they unknowingly put up a false front, usually what they think or know the other person wants, just to get them to fall for you. I even experienced this when dating after a divorce meeting guys online, doing an initial meetup at a public place always a coffee shop and I made sure to not suspect any that seemed great at first meet. I knew If I bided my time and spent lots of time hanging with a guy, not being his girlfriend, that the energy of keeping up a false persona will wear out pretty quick, depending on if seeing the person often. If its once a week for you, then people who meet twice or three times a week will get more exposure to each other faster which speeds up the outcome. (I'll explain so you'll know but your bf doesn't necessarily need to hear this )It took til the 3rd date for a guy to get really comfortable, plus he was making me dinner at his house. THe moment I entered, he was saying please excuse the messy house, my (racist comments) maid is not doing her job. To tell the truth, his house was neat as a pin, probably a wee bit nicer than my own place. He spoke also in an angry tone when doing that. It reminded me too much of my ex. It would be a matter of time until he focused his demeaning words on me, just as happened with the ex. So how can a person really know wether they can trust someone they want to be in a relationship with? I hardly think your bf will give up one job to have more time with you if money is that tight for him or he is working at purchasing a new car when he had enough cash. So at one meet up per week, it could take much longer, maybe 6 months or more to know beyond any doubt that you can trust each other with anything. What a person needs to look for in the other is how consistant the person is who they claim to be, their talents, their weaknesses, etc. when there is inconsistency, lets say to 'I never raise my voice ever' and he does, then he has lied because he said not ever. I use that one cus the ex always yelled at me. I knew I would not put up with a guy who failed me once by doing just that. So I had a list of criteria a guy had to meet and told them the list. I watched the man I am now married to, a long time over many different situations in which the ex would have lost his cool, even if I made a mistake or forgot something I was asked to do. I was not berated, I was not yelled at. He simply shrugs and says, I forget sometimes too, no one is perfect. That's Okay honey, lets go get that done together right now. This is a very typical reaction from my current husband. He wouldn't be my husband if he had become upset with me or yelled. This is the only thing you two need is time so until the situation changes and he has more time for you, all you two can do is be your genuine self for each other and let each other slowly gain trust in the other. So he's afraid you won't like his undone hair? Some one must have critisized him on it before and instead of brushing it off, maybe he couldn't because it was someone close, family, relative a best friend. Any girlfriend would have been a bit young to have relationships down and be perfect at that age, same as me into my early twenties, I was still too naive, but I was married, unhappily.

Another good way to get my point across is useing this example I read somewhere. Think of a clay jar with a lid. The jar has many cracks and chips missing. Through the cracks, some foul smelling liquid is oozing. Now are you going to think it is a one time occurance, wipe the outside clean again and think it won't happen again. If a person were like a jar and you could lift the lid and look inside, you'd see a whole lot more of that unlovely behavior you just witnessed, sitting inside, waiting for its chance to leak out. So if a partner yells and says they never do, it wasn't an accident, a one time thing, because they were trying to change their behavior to catch you, hook you on the line. It's obviously not their normal behavior so when the person slips up, take notice because there will most definitely be more of what ever you just saw or experienced. This pretty much sums up what is needed for both of you to learn to trust each other.

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Thank god for anonimity. I have a sex doll and yesterday my roomate begged me to go get him beer. Since I didn't want him drinking and driving I decided to be nice and go get it for him. I have a camera in my room and I checked it and while I was gone, he came into my room and screwed around with my dool and jerked off to it. I didn't see anything on her, but maybe he was wearing a condom, cause you can hear on the video that he got off. I came home and he was all chatty and friendly and thankful for getting his beer. Talking to me like nothing.

I want to make him pay for the doll its pretty much new and now he's defiled it. I don't even wanna touch it, let alone screw it. He ruined it for me and I want to make him buy it off me at full price. I wonder if there is a way to do that? I could say "pay me for what you stole from me, or your ex and kids are gonna see that video." But, that could blow up in my face.

I want him to pay for it, but he will probably refuse. Dunno what to do, take him to court over $700?

If it was new, how long has it been sitting in your room? Just wondering if you have tape of him using it before. You mention about avoiding drinking and driving. So I can only imagine he was drinking before and knew you would go get him beer. if I understand right, he didn't just ask if you would get beer, he begged and begged. There's no way to prove his intention was to get you out of the house so he could go use it. Either it was curiousity or he wants one himself. I think the best way to go about it is to show him the video, but make a copy first, download on to a chip and hide that somewhere in case he wants to destroy evidence later. But showing him the video should curtail him denying it, lieing or whatever. Once he's seen it, then make your case about it being new, and how you can't bear to use it now that he's touched it. So now you won't use it and paid $700. for it. Then instead of saying you want him to pay for it. Ask him what he thinks you both can do to satisfactorily end this issue? If he doesn't volunteer to pay for it, then you can suggest it. Keep in mind that if you have to take him to court, you will most definitely lose a room mate. For the future, though it won't help this issue, get a locking door knob, the kind that needs a key like the front door and if its an apartment, save the original knob to reinstall if you ever move. Keep the key on you, not hidden in the home where he could search for and possibly find. Ask yourself if it was more the being untrustworthy, doing something devious, hiding that he even entered your room that is bothering you. If it were me, I wouldn't even want the person as a roommate in the future regardless of whether I get my money back or not. He knows what he did was wrong, to go into your room and touch anything that belongs to you, sex doll or not, because he is keeping quiet and not confessing. If I was missing a sock and we both recently did laundry, I might check a roommates sock drawer after calling them first to ask if I could go look and if they don't answer, I would wait because without permission, having someone enter my private domain is like a burglar breaking and entering, although he didn't have to break in, the entering alone is abuse of your privacy. He may not pay and you may or may not win in court. You could wash the whole thing well, sanitize it all over and use it if you can't get the money back to get a new one. But for sure, I'd plan on finding a roommate to replace him

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I can't tell if this guy I like is flirting, or being friendly, or if he was just tired at the time. The reason why I think he's flirting is because he said things like "My are you a lovely yet deadly little rose," and "Awh that's adorable" and gave me those suggestive emoji-things.

He has flirted with me before, and it has looked like this every time. Yet he has also told me that he's weird and "annoying" when he's tired. This seems to be the actions he takes when exhausted. (And it was early for him at the time.) Is he just like this though?

I'm stuck, because I automatically reciprocate, and I don't know if I should. I have no idea what to do in this situation, especially when he's told me that we can't do anything because he's six hours ahead.

I'm actually very much in love with him, not lying, and I don't know if I should hold onto hope or not. I deal with the time difference very easily and don't understand what the problem is. I'm really anxious about it…

I can understand how your feelings make you believe you are in love. In some rare cases for an LDR, it happens. But in general, regardless of what the other person says, or does, no matter how well you both converse, there are crucial things missing that you won't have with an LDR.
First, you must understand that what you have between your legs is not the only sex organ one has, the brain is a very integral part of falling in love and having sex especially. So in truth, our feelings can lead us astray. And I don't want to see another female hurt by being misled.

I have experience with meeting guys through on line dating sites. Did that after a divorce and being older and having learned some things along the way.
I am a red blooded female, same as any other so I can say that i began to respond with feelings whenever I met another guy on line. May not be exactly your situation but many of the principals will hold true.

Think of how you get lost in a movie or a good book and soon you are drawn in to the point your feelings are engaged, whether anger, sadness, elated and happy, etc. When the movie or book is done, those feelings usually end there. So seeing a special person on screen and writing or talking to them, will feel real, but there is no more interaction face to face with your sweetie than with characters in books or movies. what we all want is to be loved and enjoy a romance for real. So many of us will create a story in our minds not realizing we are doing this. I did it too but caught myself after a few days doing it rather than letting it go on for months or years. This story we create supplies all the things we can't get on line. Heres some examples: what their touch, hugs or kisses feel like, how consistent they are daily to what they say they are, gaining trust, knowing whether you have romantic/sexual chemistry with the person.

I am sure the chemistry part catches more attention than anything else I mentioned so I'll start there. I've experienced this, the lack of, or the chemistry being there. There is such a thing as chemistry in just friendships. That is why we tend to gel with certain people, even as kids, and not with others. Now think of people who may be nice but you are not friends with. Why are we not friends with everyone? Some people are so vastly different in personality that we have literally nothing in common and sometimes they can drive us nuts or really be irritating to us. Know that for a romantic relationship to stand the test of time and be there till your dying breath, you need just the one chemistry for friends but two are needed for the successful romantic relationship, both the friends AND the romantic chemistry. Sadly many couple relationships have only one and that is with people who met in person! So my thinking is that most folks don't know the basics in how to find and screen a guy for a serious relationship. Yes, it is important to be attracted to their looks but that isn't everything. I met a guy on line and went out to dinner a couple days later. OMG, he looked like a male model who just stepped out of a magazine!! I should be attracted to him romantically, right? Well, we tried dating but after a few dates, no matter how good he looked, I didn't feel a strong chemistry, a weak one yes, and he didn't feel a connection either both as friends and in love. I met another guy and got to restaurant first, when he walked in and we met, we hadn't shared but a few sentences before we were seated. He and I both felt it strongly that there was a total lack of chemistry. Yet everything in his profile was what I was looking for. He actually said as we were seated, "This is not going to work, is it?" This shows you that there can be either chemistry or not and there is nothing you can do to change it. So when the man who is now my 2nd husband first wrote on the dating site, I felt his written words reach out and touch my heart. This was just his contact message. So I was already hoping that this guy would turn out. And I felt that more strong when after exchanging phone numbers, we talked the next day and the next, never missing a night during the work days. But we met that weekend. And yes, I felt the chemistry right as I walked up to him, stood in his presence and gave him a hug. There was no one to teach me, I learned how to tell the difference from misleading info to the real thing as far as chemistry goes. First I needed a goodbye kiss to see if it felt just nice, or stronger, such as made me want more right then, or lastly felt so icky like I was getting a romantic kiss from my brother or Dad. Gross indeed. I learned to sense the chemistry even without the 'kiss' test. Another biggie, building trust. Much as we like to think everyone is trustful, there are some people who for their various reasons, just are not. Before meeting my now husband, I also met a guy who came by during the week for a visit and chat on the porch swing. We sipped lemonades and I really liked him from what I had seen online and now in person, felt the chemistry, and he kept saying that he lived a bit further away and between renovating his house and the travel, it wouldn't be feasible for me to expect to see him alot. I answered with my experience gained in helping a previous boyfriend do some remodel work in a room of his house so we could spend time to together working and talking for now, I told him. The next morning I went online to pull up his file to thank him for the visit and wanted to say I'd like to see him again but he had closed his file. I had no way to reach him. I think the fact that there was chemistry really took him off guard because I felt immediately the reason for him shutting off his account was that he was married and had been looking for a sex partner on the side. He got scared when I invited myself over because he likely had a wife or girlfriend at home. Here I was, older, intelligent, but anyone can be fooled by someone. It's when you continue to allow yourself to believe after an action the person takes, that they are still a great bet, boyfriend wise, that you are then your own problem. In my many guys I met online and went out immediately in person for a coffee meet up, that I learned what a guy was like online is not necessarily what he is like in person, more often than not. I discovered it is too easy to get sucked in to something I call "Theater of the Mind". I was so hopeful to find a partner to love til the end of my life, that even short term, like after two or three times on line and a phone call or two, I was already trying to imagine what they were like. And since I lacked real life info, my mind with the help of my imagination, supplied the stuff I couldn't get online. In my mind, before meeting in person, I was doing the imagining of how the meet up would go and our first real date after that, and so on. I Know that this is something even the wisest person will end up doing because it is so automatic. So don't blame yourself if ever something like this goes wrong for you. Just learn from each experience and keep it in your mind that you are like your own HR department, screening each guy for the position of boyfriend. As in the business world, a person might get a job based just on credentials, without meeting in person, but the question to ask is, what happens if the company doesn't like the person after they are working there? They gather info on an employee, things or incidents that show you doint fit in, just aren't cutting it. Well, sometimes even though a guy sounds nice and you are very impressed with him on line, once you meet and start hanging out together, you may see things that are not healthy for a relationship, and you may have to break things up, in essense, if he was an employee instead, firing him!

You aren't the only one I've heard from concerning an LDR, some guy they met on line. I have had girls tell me their horror stories and what should they do now. For them, like you it was a real relationship with love when in fact it was nothing more than a relationship in their minds, its just a fantasy. The internet is a great tool for finding a person but once found they need to take it to face to face for the reasons I mentioned earlier. In a long distance relationship on line of two parties who have never met, its too easy to misrepresent or lie and its hard for example to know what the person is like 24/7 when sad, angry, worried, happy and knowing whether you can handle that. There is no opportunity to experience life together and build trust based on experiences together, where you have solid proof of, by going through together. You really have nothing solid like the evidence used in courts to know if a person did or didn't do what they're accused of. You don't know the name is real unless you have seen their drivers license and you've seen them sign their legal name, for one example. You also don't know if they work where they say they do, their real age, if married, if a criminal, a drug user, a liar, and so on. All of those things and more, I was only able to know are true or not is when I met the person face to face and spent time in their presence, dating and so on. But some guys tipped their hand in the first meet up and messed it all up for themselves, like the guy who said he didn't smoke (I'm allergic to it) but on second date reached into his pocket, pulled out a cigarette and froze as he realized his game was up and I was gone.

Lastly, if you are under 18, as a minor, it's not safe to meet any man online because many sex offenders and pedophiles use that way to get their victims. You can talk to males you go to school with. But my info is still helpful in choosing bf's to date in real life, be you may want to wait on the full blown adult relationship stuff until old enough.

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I am 19 years old and I am a female my partner Is also 19 years and we loved each other. I and my boyfriend had been dating for a while now. Until one day we did sex . Then I moved away from him to go further my studies . One day he video call me to show him my viganal part in the phone . The problem with me I have never seen such things before nor showing it but once I told him that he was like are you shy of me ? Why are you shy if I had slept with you already?? What should I do?? Should I show it to him? And the time when am going to be with him is very far and he might think am ignoring him. I need advice please.

I stand by what Dr. Stephanie said. Men don't seem to worry about nude photos of themselves being found on line because females don't tend to pass them around on the net and most times, guys like the idea of showing off their package.
But females, whoa girl...don't be taking any pics to send to your bf and you can explain why. Now here's the whys you don't do this: 1. He may not show it or send it to anyone but a friend of his may grab his phone, go snooping and find and send your pic out to friends 2. Even if your face doesn't show, guys tend to like to brag about their girl. Before my second husband I dated and had a male friend when I didn't have a bf yet. Eventually we decided on the friends with benefits thing but he was about 12 years younger and that ended up being a big thing to him and he told me he told his friends out of state, about me, particularly that we had sex. If telling is so easy, how easy is it to show a photo? 3. A random guy could copy your photos once found on the internet. I know someone, a guy who admitted that as a young adult, he filled up CDs with photos of women, faces included who had their pics for their sweeties on display for the whole world unfortunately and these CDs were then sold to men who wanted the pics to view during masturbating. In rare cases, some women applying for a job didnt get it cus HR checked out their Facebook or Instagram and even if photos weren't in there, they may have found photos by checking out the pages of your friends. I have had many men use Facebook as a dating site and write to me even though it plainly says I am with someone. In all of these, men will use photos of some random guy in uniform, army or such, but if I go digging into who their friends are, I catch photos of African people, not a single white person as myself, and its a dead giveaway. Then theres a photo labeling their self as one in a group photo and they don't look anywhere similar to the banner photo. I could give a couple more scenerios, including women sending pics to guys that aren't themselves, whether in an LDR, or sex parts without faces, so this all is why you should not be sending out a photo.

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My friend is super insecure about everything and super clingy. She texts constantly and it's not that I don't like hearing from her, but she just makes me SO emotionally exhausted because every conversation we have ends up with her making self-deprecating jokes or her needing constant reassurance that I'm still her friend. Of course I'm willing to reassure her about these things, but having to do it all the time is just really exhausting. I have my own problems and I can't be putting all my time and energy into making her feel better. I know that if I tell her this though, she'll get super hurt and insecure, and it will probably backfire and I'll have to spend even more energy convincing her that just because I think she's being a little clingy doesn't mean I don't want to be friends with her anymore. How do I fix this without hurting her feelings? And please don't tell me "your friend needs professional help" or anything like that because that's not really helpful and she already has a therapist. The problem is she's treating me like another therapist.

If she has a therapist already, then its not a good fit. It may be a personality thing, or the therapist isn't geared towards kids and teens, and yet again, the therapist may be the kind who only listens to you but doesn't do much else. If thats the problem, she needs to try someone new but yes she needs a therapist and you know you are not one. I would also recommend a therapist trained in CBT, Cognitive Behavioral Therapy. I had a friend who needed helped and this is the only kind of therapist that was able to help them because they give you homework to do, things to think, say or do that will help retrain the mind from struggling with distorted thinking that leads a person off into a stressful state.

I agree will all you've already been told so I am just one more person saying the same. Also, I am a Mom and when my oldest was a teen, she supposedly was depressed but hid it so well, even though I was actively looking for any change in behavior that make indicate my kid being stressed, depressed or taking drugs. So when she had her 1st baby, she was horrified to find she was having suicidal thoughts, not just of killing herself but the baby too. Thats when she finally told me and we got her to a Dr. The point I want to make, is that I wish that if anyone knew what she was going through earlier, I would have wanted to be told, so I could get her the help she needs. I'll bet your friends parents would want to hear this too. They need to hear that whatever is going on with the therapist, its not helping her so she's turning to you 24/7 for help and reassurance. Whatever you say to her, will be a crutch, something to help her limp along for now, but it won't heal her. Her parents need to know that her current therapist is not a good fit, so they are only wasting their time and hers, and their money in continuing to have her see someone that doesn't help. Not pointing blame at the therapist though they may not have the extent of training to help her, or your friend may not be getting the help that is offered because she doesn't like the personality of the therapist. Believe me when I say, that I have had medical Drs that I did not like their personality and I never went back and kept searching. I still haven't found a family Dr. I have full trust in but I have found an eye Dr. I like so much I want to recommend anyone with similar issues to go see him. So yes, its a real thing. So if you can't call and talk to her parents, talk to a school counselor and let them know she's seeing a therapist thats not working out and her parents need to know because she's using you as another therapist. I know you are young and so without the experience in this matter, but you will have to trust what I am saying. Yes, your friend may be angry at you and not want to be your friend and feel betrayed.But if you really care about her, and this is serious, she needs a therapist that really works for her or her whole life, even as an adult could be affected in a bad way. You may be the only one who knows. If the counselor or her parents need to see where you got the idea to talk to someone and what I recommend, I am older, almost 63 and have experienced this sort of stuff with extended family so I do know sometimes a Dr. doesn't work. So her visits currently are like taking placebo's, no real medicine or therapy for her.

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Both my brother and I just fought with my mother today and yesterday, and literally right now as I'm typing this, she got into her car and stormed off after fighting with my dad. I know because my dad stormed into our rooms and started blaming us for fighting with her and making her mad. I don't really care how I come across by saying this; I honestly don't give a crap that she got mad and stormed off. She's always been very quick to anger, and is verbally and emotionally abusive to both me and my brother, although less so towards my brother. She calls us things like psychotic, needing to go to the hospital, mentally ill, says there's something wrong with us, things like that. Yesterday, we got into a disagreement. We were talking about something that I was doing, and when I gave my idea about it, both my parents were very derisive and condescending about my idea, so I got defensive, and admittedly, didn't exactly handle the situation that well, but my mom completely flew off the rails. She started screaming at me about my attitude, telling me that no one else would put up with me ever, only her and my dad, and whenever I tried to say something, she screamed at me to shut up, and got literally in my face, like inches away, screaming. She told me to go to my room, and wouldn't even let me wash my hands in the bathroom (I was doing the dishes so my hands were covered in dirty water). She followed me into the bathroom, still screaming at me to shut up and go to my room. My dad had to literally pull her away from me for me to even be able to leave the bathroom. Today, my brother (he's 10, by the way), got annoyed about a very small thing at dinner, and was being a bit dramatic about it, but my mom, again, overreacted a ton. She told him he had problems (she said this in Chinese, so it doesn't translate exactly, but it was implying that he had mental problems) and he kind of mocked her under his breath, repeating what she said, you know? She got super mad and asked him to repeat what he said, and when he wouldn't, she told him to go in timeout. He kept demanding why (bad move, he should have just listened, I know), and she just kept screaming at him and physically dragged him out of his chair and up the stairs. After dinner, I could hear my dad telling my brother that just because my mother says something doesn't mean it's okay for him to do the same thing. They had a small argument I think. Then afterwards, my dad argued with my mom, telling her that she's the adult and is supposed to be more mature and stuff, I didn't hear all of their argument. I heard my mom say that she had enough of this and wasn't going to put up with this, and apparently she left and drove off. My dad came up to our rooms, and you know, started blaming us, asking us if we're proud of ourselves for making our mom mad. How do I deal with this? Honestly, I'm not sure there is a solution, and please don't tell me she needs therapy, I'm aware, but that's totally out of the question because my parents and all my relatives are very set in the mindset that you should respect all adults above all and that adults are always right, parents can do no wrong because they are your parents. I'm not comfortable sharing this with any school counselors and I'm not super close to a lot of adults. I'm not even sure why I'm asking this question, I guess I just needed a place to rant. Any advice would be greatly appreciated, though.

Sounds like you already know the answers and what should be done. So you had your chance to rant.

I guess this is it unless you want to hear my story of being treated like that. If interested, read on:

I was 20 when I married. My parents were not the problem, my new husband was. He fooled my family, myself and friends. It ends up in the end that a Dr. confirmed he had mental illness. In my case, I also knew something wasn't right. He went from a nice man (pretending in the beginning) to becoming verbally abusive in about a month. He would humiliate me in public. Say I had specific problems that were actually his problems. And yell in my face at home. I put up with it for a different reason than you. For you, its a cultural belief thing. For me it was a Religious belief, of the church saying divorce is wrong and to trust God to heal the marriage. So I blindly stayed and paid the price with my body. Living like this, you already know is stressful to yourself. Stress has to go somewhere. So stress will either attack you mentally and emotionally, or it will go straight to your body bringing on all sorts of health issues. At one point, I lived with daily head aches, migraines about three times a year, several all over body stress rashes, and yes they itched horribly, stomach ulcers and other stress induced health issues. People who are affected mentally will eventually start to act crazy themselves, self doubt, no self esteem and so on. It can also lead to suicide. While you are being affected, so is your brother. Both of you will be affected if it hasn't already started on you. The stress related illnesses are slow going but build up speed over time. There is no way to know where the point of no return is. Your brother could become physically sick or at some point in the coming years, commit suicide or run away from home only to end up in the streets, a different kind of just as bad life. And who knows what will happen to you. Sounds like from what your Dad says and does, that he knows all too well that your Mom is ill and doesn't get her the help. For him and probably the cultural thing, it is seen as a shameful thing to admit a family member is mentally ill. The truth is that most people with mental illness are born that way. And since it is not a choice they make to be that way, it is out of their hands as far as placing blame. The real tough love here is not ignoring getting her professional help mentally. To pretend all is fine if you are worried about the cultural thing, is to make a choice to not help her. Who will then. I had a retired counselor friend tell me that he had seen plenty of actions and words from my husband that showed he clearly had mental illness issues and that I should broach the subject with him about his going for help. I began crying uncontrollably scared and had to explain that any time I was right, he got extremely angry and it scared me. So he said he would have a talk with him. No adult wants to hear from their children or even a partner that they are ill and need a Dr. even without any cultural beliefs. And those with mental illness have a built in mechanism where they will point the finger at others as being the problem to take the focus off themselves. I got to witness this done not just to me but the retired counselor when he talked to my ex husband. He told the ex what he was hearing and seeing from him and that his conclusion was that the ex needed to see a psychologist. The ex quickly pointed blame at me, "but you don't know what she's like to live it " and continued to share all sorts of hateful made up stories about me. In further talks, I think the friend got him to go, thinking that if he didn't, I might end up leaving him. I had 3 kids and it wouldn't be easy for me so it wasn't a plan at the time. I just wanted him well. So he caved in and let me come along on the search for a Dr. we liked that our friend said should have training in CBT, Cognitive Behavioral Therapy. We had met two and both didn't like but we liked the 3rd. We met together with the Dr. about 2 or 3 times and then he was supposed to start going on appts. Then one day I overheard him on phone telling someone he was just fooling me so I'd be content thinking he was going to these appointments when he actually wasn't because he knew (delusionally)there was 'nothing wrong with him'. I was willing to stick with it if he got help and improved; but since he wasn't serious and I was an adult, I had to leave. But I didn't leave right away. It took hearing God say to me that I had the choice to stay or leave. If I stayed, I
would be dead in 4 years from the stress, and if I leave him, I would live. There is more to that but I want to say that I understand you can't just walk away as i did, since you and brother are still minors. Its already been suggested that you talk and tell as many adults as you can, preferably non family or Chinese as they may come down on you for daring to say anything. But you must reach out. What your Mom has won't go away but instead, could get worse as she gets older. Your Dad will need a counselor, not be being mentally ill but to learn some things himself. My children weren't picked on like me because my ex was trying to fulfill a prophecy he'd made up in his head that women in his life would always leave him so when I never did, he made my life hell hoping that eventually it would make me leave. I only left because I wanted to survive, see my kids marry and become a grandmother. If not faced with my own mortality like this, I likely would have stayed. I was with him 30 years before I left him.
Since you can't just up and leave, you need to talk to the kinds of adults that can and will put you in touch with resources that will help. In case you are afraid that saying something will end up with you and brother taken away from parents, you don't have to worry. Such a thing has happened in my own family as well. Kids were only put in temporary foster home while the parents were evaluated mentally and then put into a training class for how to be good parents. In most cases these days, even mentally ill parents do not have their children taken away as long as they take their medicines and are checked up on. Since you are likely the older one of you kids, its up to you to reach out for help. If you fear Mom or Dad or both hating you for speaking up, remember if Dad is getting some help too, he will be in a different frame of mind and can make better choices to protect you. Your Dad is part of the problem as long as he protects her secret. With the amount of stress I was under, its a wonder I did not break down or snap all the time. It only happened once.I'd come home from work and warn my kids to give me time to unwind from a hard day cus if they didn't, I might lose it. And it only took that once, the middle child starting begging me for something following me from room to room for me to push her away harshly, she fell down on her bottom and I was horrified that I had done that. Your Dad is under tremendous stress and doing what he can to pull Mom away from you and intervene at times. But he also is slowly having his ability to think clearly, taken away by the stress and that is why he blamed both of you when Mom stormed away. He knows you aren't at blame but the stress is already working on him and he will continue to become more unreasonable as time goes on. I don't know how much more time you have til you are legally an adult but your brother has 8 more years and thats still a young age to leave the toxic situation at home and fend for yourself. Talk to the school counselors and agency that protects children from bad home environments, because remember, they will make sure the parents get help so you can be reunited with them and that is ultimately what you want and it won't happen if you do nothing.

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40m, roommate is 56, he is recently divorced. I'm an introvert and he's an extrovert. I pretty much wanna be alone 95% of the time, if not more. He's the kind of guy that will talk to strangers like nothing. When we met, I was high all the time and drinking more often than not. Under those circumstances, I become more social. But when I'm sober, I like to keep to myself. He was under the impression that I was always that high/drunk guy he met. We used to pretty much only hang out at those times. Now that we're roommates, he's expressed his dissatisfaction with me being in my room all the time. I mostly quit drinking and smoking, and he tries to get me to drink so we can hang out more. He'll go as far as to say that I'm avoiding him. If I keep to myself for more than a few days. Which granted, I do avoid him sometimes. He can be draining. He'll still drink and want to hang out but I really don't. mostly. It gets annoying cause he comes into my room (which I hate) just to tell me whatever dumb shit and it really annoys me. On top of that, he's also super sensitive and takes everything personally and makes all kinds of assumptions. I'm starting to feel like I need to change myself just to appease him. He's a grown ass man, he should act differently, but NOPE! I've never had a roommate give me shit for doing my own thing. He needs a friend, but I just don't wanna be that friend that's always hanging out. He doesn't have much to offer in terms of conversation either. We get along for the most part, but sometimes I guess he just cant stand being alone and becomes needy and annoying. He's also buzzed every single day, so he has that need to socialize, which I don't. I get it, but unless I'm also drinking, I'm not very social. He'll knock on my door and I'll say "yeah?" and to him, I guess that means "come right in". Which it does not. one time I locked my door and he got all butthurt about it. I told him that "yeah" does not mean "come in" and he says "to me it does". If he actually asks if he can come in and I say "not right now, whats up?" He'll take it personally and storm off all grumbling and mumbling. Instead of just saying whatever it was he was gonna tell me. Most of the time its dumb and I just don't really care. I feel like I'm walking on eggshells with this guy. If he creates drama, my tendency is to just get away from him and stay away. Its not so bad that I want to leave, but its just annoying, I feel like he wants us to be best buds and I'm like "meh, I just wanna be alone dude." I'd like to suggest he get more friends, but I'm sure he won't take that well. He'd probably just end up going to bars and getting covid. Which is worse. Any advice? And by the way, I can't rate unless I register, so thanks in advance.

I know the type of person you are describing. In my hubby and my sake, we got a very much needed volunteer helper in at the church soup kitchen we volunteer at. We desperately need his help and strength as most of us are older. But this man can't seem to be able to handle the quiet in between his constant talking. If no talking going on, he was singing off key, belting out parts of show tunes he had recorded on his phone playing there in the kitchen. It was horribly irritating. I wouldn't know about if he takes things personally but not a one of the people there have said anything about his constant talking and noise. At his age, one would think he had learned something about relationships. Now I started out as introvert with social anxiety as a kid and teen but realized I needed to change to be able to handle the adult world more successfully so I changed, at my own pace but I took steps. What I battled was not a personality issue, not being the hermit type and that's why i was able to change. In your case, you got hooked up with a room mate who will be impossible to live with even if you were outgoing.
Your way out is not changing who you are for him but perhaps leaving the apartment is. Although I want you to question yourself if you are truly the hermit personality, theres nothing wrong with that but you can't have a roommate unless they are another hermit type and still that may not work. Now you said you were social while drinking and doing drugs. Ask yourself why you did that? Were you trying to be more outgoing on purpose believing that was the only way you could be an extrovert? I just wonder if the real reason you are an introvert was more like mine, the pitfall most young kids and adults fall into but something that can be reversed if you really want to. You don't have to be wildly popular and extreme extrovert, just something more in the middle. If this is the case, then exposing yourself to things that are hard for you will help as long as you practice with total strangers as I did. This is to keep you out of a comfort zone. I will quickly share a bit of it in case you want to try. I had to start with just smiling at a stranger as I walked past them, next step was adding a hello and keep moving on. Next step was making a short comment or compliment that pertained to situation in which we both found ourselves or based on what they were wearing. Don't fake the compliment or try unless you genuinely like the tie, the haircut , jewelry etc. Work each step until you feel comfortable doing it and yes, graduating on to the next step was scary and uncomfortable to me but I got through it all. This all helped me to become more bold, not mind if others were staring at me. This helped but I personally decided after to also work on my self confidence which was successful as well. I am not always talkative, no one has to be and I sometimes fall back into being quiet in a group setting happy to just listen to the conversations. But those who only know my extrovert self will stop on those occasions to ask if I am okay, because of my being too quiet. So if some of that can help you, great. If that's your personality, then you are better off living alone because even a quieter person is going to get on your nerves sometime. If you ever want to write directly to me for more advice and you do register, then look for Dragonflymagic under columnists and write to me from my page. Good luck

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28/f

My sister called me a couple of weeks ago, grieving over our dad. She told me she feels like it was her fault that my dad died and that his health had rapidly declined (he passed away five months ago). I told her that she couldn't blame herself and that she did the best she could with what she knew and how she felt at that moment (she didn't have the greatest relationship with him and held a lot of resentment).

Even though I comforted her, I low-key blame her, too. Of course I didn't say anything because she doesn't deserve to feel worse than she already does and I wanted her to find her peace with him before he passed. But I blame her as well because all of this started two years ago while I was in Italy. My sister had sent me messages that there was something wrong with our dad. That he was acting strange, how he supposedly driven his car and hit the neighbors fence and the cops had advised her to take my dad to the hospital. I advised her to do the same thing, and because I wasn't in the country, she needed to do it. And every time I thought she took him, she would message me a day later and it was something else--he started playing the piano off-tune at 4 in the morning, or he wasn't responding when she spoke to him. It took her A WEEK to get him help... Turns out that the breaking point was that my dad had collapsed on the floor after peeing himself and my mom found out that he had a fever.

When he got sent to the hospital, he was diagnosed with the flu & pneumonia. It had affected his brain to the point where he was temporarily disabled and had to go to rehab. And during rehab, he got a stroke, because of the stroke, it affected his ability to speak. Later was then diagnosed with Alzheimer's and that the flu & pneumonia was the trigger to the immediate decline in his health.

What made me more upset is that I had a conversation with my sister a month ago and she admitted me to that during that time, she felt like my dad deserved it. That he deserved to be in that kind of pain and that's why her help was delayed.

Don't get me wrong, my dad wasn't the best dad. But he wasn't the worst either. My sister has resentment towards him because he retired when I was seven, having my mom be the breadwinner of the family, and my sister felt like he wasn't doing anything and was just lazy. That's it. There was no other reason. And as upsetting as that can be, I feel like that is not a reason to give him a death sentence.

Plus she wasn't around when he was doing other things, like maintaining the house, cooking for us, etc. He was like the stay-at-home-dad. So, I am also quite angry that I lost the parent closest to me, my number one cheerleader, and my number one person, because my sister felt like he deserved it.

With the hidden feelings you have as well as hers, I would suggest family counseling, getting all family who are close blood relations, so any other siblings and his wife if she's alive along with you both to counseling.

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My 10 yo kid brother has always been spoiled by my mom. He's the baby of the family, and has had life easy ever since he was born. He has one chore, which is to set the table, and often never even does it, and when I try to remind him to, my parents get mad at me, and tell me to just help out. I'm not unwilling to help out, as setting the table is a pretty simple task, but it's his responsibility and he only actually does his chore like, at most, once a week, the other times, we just give up and do it ourselves. And recently, he seems to be going through this phase. He's super vicious and mean, throws tantrums about EVERYTHING, and doesn't even realize how bad his behavior is. He will not do anything he doesn't want to, unless he is forced into it, and gives attitude at the reminder of doing something he doesn't want to. He always thinks he's right, and anytime someone tries to tell him otherwise, he throws a tantrum, and either just gets let off the hook, or just gets a light scolding. He also never thinks anything is his fault. Everything is automatically someone else's fault and he will straight up deny anything being his fault even if we quite literally see him doing it. He will deny it until we give up. I know it's not my place to parent him, but living with him is really hard and I just have to avoid him because I find it very difficult to be nice to him. My mom still sees him through rose colored lenses, and thinks that he's an angel and his personality is great. Of course, he does get scolded sometimes when he crosses the line or hits a pet peeve of my parents, but he throws a tantrum whenever he gets scolded or lectured, and insists that he's not at fault. And I don't want to be a bad older sister, but he's just SO rude all the time, and annoys me so much. My dad tells me to cut him some slack because he's still young, or to just ignore him, but I just can't. So I mostly avoid interactions with him, but any interactions we do have, usually end badly. How do I deal with this?

He needs to be dealt with by an adult and since the adults are not doing so in a manner that will help him become a productive person some day, he will be worse of a hellion as an adult. I do not know why your parents are not taking his behavior seriously. Frankly, I am alarmed because a lot of his behavior reminds me both of my ex and a controlling husband of a friend. Thinking he's always right, throwing a tantrum or getting real angry when anyone suggests something was his fault, always pointing the finger at others saying its their fault (my ex's tactic) and claiming he's not at fault even when caught doing it. My neighbor's husband was a controller and narcissistic, my ex went to a Dr, after I went with to find one he and I liked, but only went twice because he told a friend, I did it only to get her off my back cus I don't have any problems, she is the one with issues. So therefore, he is undiagnosed til today but the Dr. agreed from his behavior that hubby definitely had some mental health disorder. Had a brother with Schizophrenia. So I am pretty good at spotting what is not normal behavior. I divorced my husband because living with a person who has a mental health issue and who is not undergoing treatment and sessions with a Dr. to improve their behavior is extremely hard to live with. It is easier to let them have their way, suck up to them, kiss their behind so to speak to have some semblance of peace. But that is not good or healthy for the individual who is the problem. Your parents should be taking him in to see a child counselor to discover if he actually has a mental illness or simply some disorder or if the parenting style specifically with him is part of the problem. I don't know how to get the message across to them for sure. But I really feel something has to happen or he could be unhappy his entire life, killing all of his relationships by his behavior. Parents are not likely to listen to one of their children, so you may have to think of aunts and uncles or grandparents who are not like your parents, maybe they would see things the same way you do. Tell that adult relative what has been going on. You have permission to show them my answer to you, as long as they don't mention it to the parents. They would be angry already just from you reaching out to a relative for help let alone an advice column. Find a relative who has visited enough to have seen the behavior for their self or to set up a visit and watch his behavior, and Then they can mention something to the parents. If the parents never take this seriously then it might be better for you if a relative takes you in. This would mean moving for you, and leaving friends behind, a new school, and that's IF the parents agree, which I don't think they will, you're the only chore doer.I don't know if the issue is how they themselves are parenting or lack of it from being worn down and giving up with him. Perhaps you could call the Family Dr. and let him/her know what is going on and ask if they can help facilitate a whole family visit with a counselor, because you would have a chance to speak your peace. No matter what brother or your parents say, they know evading techniques of the troubled and won't believe that you are the bad guy. This happened to me a lot and not any family, counselor or church pastor ever felt I was the problem. Lastly, you might talk to school counselor and mention all of this and say you want to go to counseling to learn how to deal with this issue. I am hoping that once the school puts you in touch with help, that a counselor seeing you will automatically realize that there may be more than you just not knowing how to handle a difficult person, and they may then reach out to your parents and get the whole family in to see whether its their parenting or lack of correct parenting, a disorder of some type or both that are the real problem here. If you attend a church, you might even try talking to your priest/pastor without parents listening in.

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I meet with some friends for dinner yesterday. There was 6 of us. My friend invited two of her friends and I invited two of my friends. The last time I met with her friends I felt uncomfortable. I didn’t believed that I related to them. A couple of the things they were talking about mad me feel uncomfortable. Like for instance worst date experience and smoking edibles. That’s not something I want to talk about. Nevertheless, I felt sad and I judged myself as being different. Her friend aren’t people I would be friends with. But, I also felt upset my friend and I didn’t get a chance to talk. This time I thought that by having two of my friends I would be much more comfortable. Again, left feeling uncomfortable and anxious that It sucks because my friends enjoyed themselves and wants to hang out again together and I don’t. I believe being introvert and socially anxious plays a role. But also I hate to say I don’t really want to be friends with her friends. If it was just my friends I would have been more comfortable but I would still like to hangout one on one. Although part of me wants to get outside my comfort zone, I want to also accept who I am. Maybe I don’t need to hang out in groups for now if I’m not enjoying myself. Maybe it would be better if we were actually doing something fun I could enjoy. I’ve tried to hang out with her friends twice and it’s clear we’re not a match. Should I look at this as an opportunity to grow and get more practice in a group setting? Or should I accept that I have a preference and that’s okay. The fact that I’m even open to meeting as a group shows my willingness to grow. But I just don’t feel fulfilled as a would in a group setting. I’m trying to find a balance between being true to who I am and growing as a person.

YOu won't do anything you are ready for yet. I used to be a total introvert. Introverts can be social and enjoy being around other people but are much more quiet and content to just listen to the extroverts who are the ones who tend to start things...like planning the dinner party. I also had extreme social anxiety and had it at the earliest age I could remember which was 3 or 4. My Mom was an introvert, Dad, the opposite. Eventually, in my senior year HS I was terrified that I was not going to be able to navigate the adult world with my anxiety and introvertism holding me back. So I prayed and what I heard to do, is exactly the same as I found in a library book by a psychologist on how to overcome anxiety. But this I saw decades after I had changed with what God told me. Not trying to make this a religious thing, just informational that what I did is what a Dr. will recommend.

I was so desperate to change I was willing to do whatever it took, no matter how uncomfortable or terrified I was during the process. So the question you need to ask yourself is whether you want to be healed of anxiety which it sounds a little like when you are in contact with people you personally haven't chosen, who click with you. In life, you won't always have people around you that you like, you will face, as I have many ugly people, not in looks but in their character or others you really don't like being around, and others you plain old can't stand for an hour or an evening. Personally, I feel that what I did to get me out of my comfort zone, lose anxiety and some introverted ness, actually has helped me to tolerate or be able to handle the more difficult for me to like, people. I am mostly extrovert now but about 1 quarter still introvert. I know when I am doing this as I am being quiet too long without adding in my 2 cents on a conversation and someone will ask if I am okay, because they know me as more talkative, outgoing. I feel people can be a balance of both. So if you want to be like that, more than you want to figure a way to avoid those girls you felt you had nothing in common to talk about, girls who were not interesting to you, then thats your choice. You would have to tell your friend in private that you have tried often enough but find it is too difficult to enjoy some people. Not that they are bad people but that your personality just doesn't feel comfortable with them. Maybe those two friends of your friend are total extroverts where no topic is bad and they love to share stuff that others prefer to keep personal and quiet. I know what you mean about feeling out of place when with people you can't click with in conversation. I still find that at times in a group. I focus listening to one conversation and if I can't connect with the topic or the people seem mentally and emotionally so far below me that I can't connect, I will simply refocus on another conversation. Or if an a setting of one conversation or just present at someones home and not comfortable, I will pretend to have a very bad headache coming on or act as if it mores of a migraine if you've ever had one so it doesn't sound fishy. I have acted so well that a host ran and got me their Advil and handed me two tablets and a cup of water to take it. Of course, I pretended to put them in my mouth and took a sip of water and once they'd turned away, slipped the pills in a pocket. I gave it twenty mi nutes then announced it wasn't working, but worse and I must go. It is rare i find myself feeling trapped in a situation I end up not liking. Don't do anything you aren't willing or ready to do. If making fake excuses and leaving is what you are most comfortable, then do it. If you'd rather tell your friend and both of you agree to only meet with each other and if she meets with other friends to not invite you to that event. Or if you feel you are tired of not beings as comfortable and adaptable to any group setting, no matter what kind of people, then I am willing to share the list of what steps I took to get over it. Its simple, you go at your own pace. I was scared each time I mastered one level and the new level was scary to me, but I did it. It didnt take long as I practiced almost daily, or whenever I came into contact with strangers, yes, with strangers, people I had never ever met. If ready, you can ask me by going to my column Dragonflymagic, and asking for it from there. That way only I get the request rather than it going out for all columnists to see, when they'd have no idea what you are asking for. If you choose otherwise, its not wrong, just where you are at, how your personality is and people are diverse, not the exact same or we'd all be robots.

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Why does Chinese food cause my blood sugar to spike?
I have Type 2 diabetes and I see when I eat noodles manchoorian and any other chinese food my blood sugar level shoots up. What is the reason and how I can control it?

The reason is that starchy foods like noodles, rice, bread, grains and potato for example are items that your body will turn into sugar for energy but more likely than not, the amount of sugar just from a starchy food eaten in moderation might not but really bad, just somewhat bad. What's worse is all the sauces that make the 'american style' Chinese food taste so good is because of their sauces which as far as I know, all have some sugar in them. Unfortunately sugar is hidden in many things, and condiments other than Chinese.
Check out this link:
https://www.insider.com/how-much-sugar-in-ketchup-bbq-sauce-condiments-2018-5

What makes food taste good to people is adding sugar, salt and fat to foods. What tastes good makes people buy it or go to that restaurant so no one who sells any kind of edible product is going to change anytime soon or ever. Its all about making money and not caring about the effects on people.
You really should be asking all these questions of a health professional. All I know about diabetes is from people who have it. I did know a shop owner I saw often who was sad one day and said it was because her Dr. told her she was pre-diabetic. This is the stage before going on insulin, meaning a drastic change in diet might still turn it around. A few months later, saw her and she'd not only lost a little weight but announced she wasn't anywhere near being pre diabetic or worse. So no matter where you are, in danger of becoming diabetic or already there, the tablets for type 2, or insulin alone can't miraculously make you able to eat anything with sugar in it. You have to change your diet. Its hard. My elderly neighbor across the street started crying one day I visited. She had never had diabetes in her life and now she was told she was diabetic. Type 2. Having that disease is nothing to mess with or ignore warnings. A person can end up dead if someone isn't around to help. A co worker was diabetic and giving herself insulin shots. One day she unfortunately got the shot into a vein and later in the day, she was already talking weird and feeling woozy and she called me, handed me some change and asked me to get her an orange juice from the lunchroom immediately. I was so worried I've never moved that fast before. If you don't have insurance and can't see a Dr. for ongoing care with this, try the internet. For a search, What foods should a diabetic avoid. Or a search what will spike blood sugar in a diabetic. I chose what can be deadly for a diabetic and here is one of the hits: https://diabetestalk.net/diabetes/can-type-2-diabetes-be-deadly

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How did you guys talk to your parents about spending the night at your boyfriends house or telling them you are going to and that they can't stop you because you are an adult? Because this week i wanna be straight forward and tell my parents what I'm going to do. Without me having to ask them. Cause im 20 and im an adult. And they treat me like im a child but yet they want me to be an adult. I come from a Hispanic household and i know that be a big no. But i rather be honest with them then lying behind their backs and lying to them that im going to my friends house but really at my boyfriend house. So please give me advice on how i can talk to them about it.
Please don't judge. I just want advice.

Dr Stephanie brought up a point I was immediate to think of. This is regarding whether you still live in their house or are on your own, have your own place. Here's what I have heard over the years.

An adult child who still lives at home is becoming more the norm due to the expenses of getting out on your own. Current economy makes that difficult. So I have heard of all sorts of ways parents disagree and attempt to control their adult child such as if you don't go to the university we want you to go, we will stop paying for college. Or if in college wanting to quit, if you quit, we will kick you out of this house, and the list goes on, including who you date, whether you have sex . . . Telling a parent whom you already know to have a tight, limited view on things, or as you said Hispanic parents, I see that the same as some Christian parents who have been church taught that sex before marriage is a no no. I went that way as a young girl and it was the wrong thing for me. I told my daughters that while in HS it is best to have male friends, not bf's but if they get so close with one that both feel they can't avoid sex, to tell me and I'd get them on birth control. And to really know a guy better, it's better to llive with him a while to see the things you can't see while dating but living separately cus for sure if I had, I would not have married him at 20.
I share that so you know I can understand your situation and you know I have no problem with what you chose to do, No different than I've told my daughters. I do know that parents must trasition from being the parent and choosing for their child what they want them to learn and shape them for their adult years. Thats it. They're still your parents, but after you are an adult, in the beginning, until you reach 25 or so and your brain is done maturing, an adult child still needs to reach out for lots of advice, although picking through it and choosing is still their choice, for whatever reason. But decision making without other perspectives and facts, is dangerous. In my case, I never had a talk with my parents about spending the night at a boyfriends. I was a virgin when I married. Thought that was the right thing. For me, it was the wrong thing, so no judging from me.

The kids who lived at home, though adults found the parents saying, I own this house, you live here and you will abide by what we say or you will be kicked out. And I heard from a few who had been kicked out, wondering what to do.

Since you have Hispanic parents, I know how deeply ingrained this is to them, they've only heard the same since they were little. No thought is given as to why it is wrong. Or even if it really is wrong. So if you tell them you are going overnight to stay with boyfriend, you risk not having a place to live because kicking you out is the only and last resort a parent usually has at this point to make you choose to follow their wishes.
So I say, if it weighs heavy on your heart to not tell them, be sure you have a place to crash if they do kick you out or make life too unbearable in their home. Yes, they have rights in their home, such as adult children must do their own laundry, or can't have a bf stay the night under their roof, then it is within their rights, as long as its about what happens under their roof. They have no jurisdiction as to what happens in your life when you are outside the home, living on your own. Also, I don't know of anyone who has ever told me they gave up all sorts of personal information to the parents, after starting a life of their own outside the family home. No one tells a parent when they first kissed or had sex, or a piercing or tattoo they got, or a non normal hair coloring. They would find out these things when you visited, or when you told them you were dating, or engaged because weddings again are a big deal to many parents, especially if from a Hispanic home. These are things you don't have to ask for permission for any longer, even if your cultural heritage says other. I know this is a biggie, not to be taken lightly, same as parents who raised their kids Catholic or some another traditional religion but the kid hates it and suffers through it as a child silently. However, once turned 18 and an adult, they would stop going at all or switch to something so totally out of the range of whats acceptable to parents that they endure a lot of harassment from parents. I remember one who stopped going to church with parents and lived at home, even one who lived on their own but was expected to still show up at church by her parents. Another decided she wanted to be Buddhist and yet another had always ffelt that a more earth bound belief system was right for them, such as Wiccan or Druid or an untitled form of Paganism. I have known plenty of pagans, and even those who consider themselves a Good witch, nothing Satanic about Paganism. I encourage them to keep to the path that speaks best to them. Though I believe in Heaven and God, I also believe there is more than one path for a person to be with God after death.
I have heard from those who are LGTBQ and want to come out to their parents, or have come to the point where it can't be hidden any longer cus they want to meet the person you're dating or are engaged to whom they have no idea is the same sex as you or somewhere on that spectrum. Kids have been kicked out of their parents home, and hated and disowned for stuff like that. I like the idea of honesty. But the time for asking for permission if you are so inclined, will only train them to continue on with 'parenting' you with do's and don't. But don't panic, parents can charge. Once upon a time, when Harry Potter books came out, my church told me it was evil and to not let our children come into contact with it. I blindly believed and accepted what was told from the pulpit without checking it out on my own. As result, when my 2nd grader one day told me the teaching would be reading Harry Potter to the class, I asked the teacher to allow her to sit out of the room and read her own book as I did not wish her to hear that. I have changed so much since then, studying, learning and realizing that misunderstandings or twisted logic have many believing bad things about all sorts of situations. I woke up when I heard from church that acupuncture was evil and to stay away from it. I had been seeing an acupuncturist who was truly helping me and there was nothing evil or Satanic about it. In fact she was one of the few in a medical field, or alternative medicine that I had truly confidence in, as she helped with with one health issue, by her Chinese medicine training and told me what chinese medicine to get at a dispensary, and the loss or hearing in both ears, that c ame on suddenly like an infection which regular dr. could not fix, was fixed by her suggestion, overnight with the first dose. I remember laughing inside myself at church and soon after I stopped going.

All I can say is that lying is breaking trust. If you voluntarily tell them you are going to a girl friends, that is a lie. If they don't ask where you are going, and you don't tell them, that is simply omitting the fact. If they ask outright where you are going, all you need to answer is "going to stay with a friend tonight". And thats the end of it unless they ask who. At which point you could say, I am an adult now, and which friends I choose to have and hang out with are my choice. However, to be thoughtful in case something bad happens to either of you, or some other tragic thing you need to get hold of me for, I will have my cell phone with me and it is charged up and all you have to do is call." This is a nice way of retraining them that it isn't any of their business other than knowing the door opening later that night isn't you cus you're staying overnight. Telling them the minimal is just so they won't be worried something bad has happened to you. All parents will always think about their adult kids being okay and safe and just as worried whether a young child or adult child is hospitalized for example. So first thing you should do in next couple days is talk with your girlfriend and her parents, and also bf and his parents if he lives with them to make sure you have a place to go if they kick you out. Have that safety net in place and then if you like, tell them. Or if they ask point blank if you're going to see a boy, no lieing then, you have to say yes. And that truthful answer could land you on the street. Even if they don't do that, they may change and become very restrictive of you, so you don't have a chance to go see him quietly such as Mom telling you she will drive and drop you off at your girlfriends (one parent did that) or stating you have house arrest and can't leave except for job and they will call your boss or friends Mom to be sure you are there. If the answer is No, then there is Hell to pay for lying to them. Just make sure you have a back up plan cus those who came out of the closet to very religious parents have ended up kicked out, disowned or if allowed to stay, were subjected to many accounts of pastors and other clergy coming to the house to pray for the devil to leave this 'adult child'. I've heard such things from those who wrote in for advice, and know some things like this from hearing it from people I know plus what I shared about myself. I still feel so badly now when I think about how awful it was for my child to be singled out to class as the one whose Mom didn't want her to hear the Harry Potter tale. To make up to the kids, when all the movies came out, we watched them and even bought them.

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28/f
32/m

Has anyone ever expected you to “be fine” after your loss?

I feel like my boyfriend expects me to be that way. For example, I lost my job because of Covid, my dad passed away, then I moved out and was nomading for a bit, lived with my toxic mom sleeping on an air mattress for another month, found out that my dog is 75% blind and is dying of old age, and moved into a new place again just three weeks ago. All of this happened within a six month period.

My boyfriend was there for me for all of these things. As a matter of fact he came into my life three months before I lost my job. So he came into my life at a very strange time. And now that I’m just now starting to get back on my feet and started my new job two weeks ago, I had a meltdown because I started grieving about my dad.

He then told me that he felt like we’re not compatible because of our “personalities” and that he “was patient and understanding because he knew I was going through a lot and was having a hard time, but it feels like it’s still continuing.” He told me he lost his best friend and was fine after a few months and I told him it’s different you lose the parent closest to you.

How do I even respond to this?

He might be right on one thing, that you both are not compatible, meaning to me that you are not the right match. Men tend to hunt around and date quite a while and many women until they find the one they want to be with forever. Even moving in, and saying you're his girlfriend, doesn't necessarily mean a guy has decided to choose you, that he can't live without you and wants to love and cherish and take care of you the rest of his life. If my 2nd husband, first was abusive verbally) sees tears, it may be due to a sad story in movie and book and I may be crying just thinking of it later. But he is very concerned, and has asked me if its anything he might have said or done. One time it was, but it wasn't his fault, I had never thought to mention it was something I don't like. Now that he knew, he has never repeated it. He compliments a lot like, I get built up instead of torn down nt the kind of thing that comes across as uncaring which was already mentioned with your bf's impatience. He felt he was patient and understanding. But in his mind there must have been a time table in which he felt was normal for you to grieve or recover from all the other emotional bad news. Yeah, its different losing a friend, unless you had no siblings, or did not get along with siblings but the friend was like a brother to you and you were both so wrapped up in each others lives and spent lots of time together, closer than the words, Best and closest friend could describe. I don't think they were even that close that he could feel as devastated as you. Yes, its different, but if he'd had such a close connection, he might have had a little inkling of what you are going through. And there is no time limit or how on grieving. Some recover quicker than others. A guy who was in love with you, (this is different than just loving you for a few aspects) would have been hurting along side with you, not because he is grieving and suffering other losses, but because it hurts him to see you crying and hurting, and frustration that there isn't or wasn't anything he could do to protect you from these losses or the harshness of life, something all of us need to face at some point, only you got it all at once. You needed a safe shelter to go to in these times, the safe harbour that he should have been if he was mature enough and truly loved you deeply, enough to lay aside his wants and focus on helping you. As there isnt much one can do to help, the best one can do is simply give you extra love, kind uplifting words, understanding, and just be present to hold you and say that things will be better in time.
To me, home is not an address or city, home is my husband and he feels the same about me. As long as we are physically with each other, we are home. And home also is supposed to be the safe place you can go, when hurting, when the world doesn't understand you, when you've been treated mean or harshly in the world. But you didn't have that with him either. If you want more of feeling you're all alone with no one who loves you enough to really care, then stay with him. Or start planning, and find a way to leave him. A guy can be rich, hot looking, but empty inside or a cesspool of gross behavior inside. Go beyond skin deep, look at what a man is like on the inside. You just got a good glimpse of who he is on the inside. There's nothing wrong with you for not catching it earlier. I too was fooled by guys acting so nice in the beginning to catch my interest. If I went on more than one date with them, sometimes thats all it took for them to feel they had me on the hook and I was so in love with him that I would be able to tolerate their faults. I made it clear after a divorce what I did and did not want. Being allergic to cigarette smoke, I put that in. One guy claimed he didn't smoke but on date #3 he felt comfortable and pulled a cigarette out on his pocket without thinking and then looked guilty. I ended that one. People can keep up a false personality that seems nice sometimes for even months but in looking back I know that a person can't keep it up longer. I didn't know what to look for in the ex at the time, but the red flags were there. He couldn't keep up the false personality more than a month after marriage and kept it up a year while dating and engaged because we weren't around each other 24/7 . So I also feel that living together is another good way to find the stuff too easy to hide when living separately. Now agree and split up, or he leaves and you add this to the list of things that were very painful for you to deal with, or another better choice is to see the bright side, at least you won't be wasting more of your life on him and thank God he's not the father of any of your children. Learn from this experience to not settle for less and go for someone just like him, always go for someone better, and eventually you'll find your life partner. I am sorry for your grief and losses. If it had happened to me, I know I would have puffy red eyes and dripping snotty nose more often than not. You are carrying a big load of hurt, and though you may feel it is crushing you, in actually it is strengthening you. I hope this quote I wrote once, helps cheer you a bit.

"As with an Antique, the ravages of life upon an individual create a more precious thing in the end, giving one more character and charm, gaining the status of being precious for simply still being.”

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What are some preventive measures to help control diabetes?
I need to know some preventive measures to help control diabetes if anyone knows

Preventive and control send me two different messages. Preventative measures are something a person wants to use if it runs in the family and they want to be careful before they get it or your Dr. says you are pre-diabetic, which only means you aren't at the stage where you must take insulin but you are much closer.
Controlling your diabetes mean you already have it and you take measures to make sure you don't eat things that will make your blood sugar rise or spike.
I had a care giving client who was diabetic among other things like being mentally challenged, for one. I got to see what happened if she ate certain things.
Exercise comes into the picture too. The bad news is if you have the body type most prone to being overweight cus there are lots of overweight people who end up with diabetes. There are basically three body types according to Ayurvedic medicine. I am the type who requires the least amount of exercise and tend to be smaller, not gaining too easily, Then theres the medium build who has to watch diet some but not worry too much and has to do more exercise. Then lastly are people who feel they gain weight just looking at food. It seems no matter how much they diet, the diets they try and if not doing a tremendous amount of exercise, the weight keeps adding on. Thats my husband. the eating requirements are different too. I don't trust all dieticians which your Dr. would send you to if you asked about special eating if diabetic or to prevent becoming diabetic. My client was told by Dietician that she could drink diet soda's as much as she wanted, just not the regular ones. I wasn't there and had no idea. Then one day in a panic she called me when she had an episode that wasn't good. When she told me the only change was drinking diet, I told her that diet sugar is only to prevent gaining weight, but diet sugar is still going to be seen as sweet and sugary by the body and will give blood sugar highs that are dangerous. I asked to be sure this is what the dietician said, thinking perhaps my client got it wrong, misunderstood, but thats what the Dr. said. I was really mad. What idiot would tell someone concerned about diabetes to take in extra sugar in their diet rather than cut down or cut it out.

YOu also need to be aware that there are starchy foods that your body will turn into sugar. That would be breads, grains, noodles, rice, potato. So the better diets are the ones where you eat mostly protein,meats and meat fats and fresh vegetables and fruit modestly. No canned or frozen because although they fill you, you aren't getting the most nutrients possible, fresher is always better. So though you may want to ask your Dr. about your concerns, It may serve you better to read up on body types, discover in a book by descriptions what your body type is, and follow the recommendations for diet and excercize, other than food items that are sugary or turn into sugar.

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For context, I am a sixteen year old girl in high school. I’ve kissed a boy before, but never more than a peck. Just recently, my boyfriend and I made out for the first time. Now I know people will say that it tends to be awkward and all, but it was more than that. I feel like there was no chemistry there and there was no pleasure. It was a weird sensation because I had built up this idea in my head of a perfect romantic kiss and this was nothing like I had pictured. I feel bad saying it, but I was disappointed. It’s hard to describe because there was no buildup and no feeling attached to it.

My questions are as follows: is it normal to not feel anything at all when kissing someone? does the person you’re with truly effect how it feels? how can I fix this and should I talk to him about it or not?

I would like to thank you in advance for your time and I appreciate the help.

Depends on who you are kissing with, if the wrong person, its normal to not feel anything. I have found it can feel even worse, like you are romantically being kissed by a male relative, like a grandpa, Dad or Uncle. You know what I mean, its that "Eeuw" gross feeling inside and you dont ever want to kiss again. This means you lack chemistry.
I didn't learn any of this until much older in life. Will explain later.
There is the kind of chemistry for friendship which is platonic, not romantic, but an important part of a couple relationship. The only thing that makes for a great partner, dating or married is another chemistry both will have, the romantic chemistry. this has nothing to do with how handsome, how rich a guy is. I once put up a dating profile after a divorce and in my late forties was learning this stuff for the first time. Went out to meet a guy who wrote to me. He looked like a male model, sooo gorgeous I was inwardly salivating just looking at him. But as we sat and talked, neither of us felt the romantic connection. I learned later I didn't need to even kiss a guy to discover if there was this crucial chemistry to make this go way beyond just friendship. I did not feel anything as you put it. I felt he was so handsome. But I lacked the response in my body, the lack of my heart beating harder, that tingling or feeling you might get in the private area, and most of all, the want to be in their presence as much and as close as possible. I know I wondered back then if I just didn't feel it cus we hadn't kissed. I had gone on other meet ups and usually the guy tried to kiss me good bye. If he didn't, I'd initiate. Went once on a date to dinner and then his house and we had sex but there was no connection. It was nothing more than going through the motions of having sex, definitely didn't feel like making love to someone who loved you as much as you did them. I did get plenty of guys who thought they felt chemistry, but I didn't. Believe me, it has to be a two way street and both of you feel the romantic chemistry. This is why young girls are confused when they feel drawn towards a guy but he doesn't feel anything back and pretty much won't respond back to anything and even try to avoid her. So as for dating, I feel there are steps to it. I don't know if you even have a list of attributes or characteristics you are looking for in a guy, but I was told to make one when divorced. My list evolved as I got guys asking about things I did not put out as criteria they needed to be able to meet me and date me.
See, the thing is to avoid dating to find out if the guy is right or wrong for you. You weed out what you obviously don't want, then you agree to date the ones who look promising. While dating, you check more closely and hopefully are spending enough time together so you can see his temperaments. Whats he like when sad. Does he get angry and dump it on others, or you too, or seldom if not at all. What's he like when stressed. How does he emotionally handle unexpected change? The list goes on. Right now is practice time so you'll be ready to choose the right guy to live with life long, married or not and have children with. So this kind of dating is still exploratory. If you feel that after scrutiny, he's still a good bet, you start going steady, or dating exclusively. Now about the word Exclusive, you know it means only each other, not seeing anyone else. However it is seldom brought up in conversation. So what I did when looking for a new husband was to tell guys, I was looking for my new mate, a new husband, but just because I spend time initially with a guy dating, doesn't mean I have chosen him. I point blank told them all if a promising guy contacted me, I would check him out too. Keep in mind, these males were not teenaged but older men. And not one of them had a problem with seeing me, even though they knew I might be seeing another guy at the same time. Not one! And that surprised me. So my understanding is, that guys (don't know about teens tho)like to be told what the plan is, don't mind a woman dating around, seeing other guys, as long as she in time settles on one guy. And as long as she tells them this upfront, before an actual date. I gave them permission ahead that if anything I said made them want to walk away now or at any point to simply tell me and then go. I would hold nothing against them but wanted to know if they were doing the same. At 16 or even 18, any male you may meet and date is not yet the man he will someday become. Yes, a HS gf, bf can become ones marriage partner but that is extremely rare. So guys are going to hopefully grow in character and change for the better as they grow up. The last thing to develope to maturity on all people is the frontal cortex to the brain, where decision making in great part happens. It is not mature til 25. I married at 20 and that was a mistake. I didn't have the mental maturity to make a good decision because looking back, I can see there were warning signs, or red flags if you wish, but I could not see them for what they were. Don't be scared or think I am talking you out of dating. This is a time to learn what you like in a guy and what you do not like. Thats more important than anyone might think.
Yes, I did find chemistry with a few guys. One out of state while staying with sis after my divorce. But even so, I finally saw he wanted his privacy and alone time more than he wanted a wife or live in partner. He only wanted a girl friend who had her own place, and we'd only do something together and go to our own homes. I did not want that, wanted more. I had to go back to help a daughter and it would involve time and he though sad to see me go told me I would not be returing to him. He told me he knew I would find a guy back in my homestate. I knew he wasn't husband material, just lover material in 3 months. We had the chemistry but the other stuff wasn't lined up. When back, I met another guy on line dating whom I really liked when we met. We actually did the stuff a married couple does. Shopping, gardening, cooking meals together but I didn't move in with him. Everything about him was great, how he treated friends and had them meet me and really like me, how he treated his parents, etc. The only thing that was a turn off was that he was something of a pack rat or hoarder in training. He had to clear kitchen counter and table top so we could cook and sit to eat. But he was fun to date and he wasn't seriously in the marriage mood, Not against it, but not now. No one else who was promising contacted me. Finally after about 5 months dating, I got a message from a guy that was unlike the words of any other guy, I could feel a connection already in just the words. Although I knew to not get my hopes up, that romantic chemistry is something you can't pick up on line or over phone but in person. He believed the same so we squeeze in a quick meet up between his break time as a delivery driver and my start as late afternoon part time care giver for one woman. When he got out of his truck, I walked up to him as he wasn't coming towards me. I wanted to feel his energy so I walked up, greeted him and gave him a hug, the kind that lasts, with you hanging on for a while. I felt the energy and I wanted to touch his long hair so while hugging him, I played a bit with his long hair. We talked about 15 minutes in my car, he didn't kiss but we were close. A couple days later, he said on one of our nightly phone calls, that he really wanted another one of my hugs. A few days later, another care giving client had asked me to take him to a store in the parking lot we had met so I told him that I would be there with client so when he got there, he should call me and I would come out to give him a hug. We hugged and he held me but didn't make a move to kiss me. As I found out later, he was being the gentleman and waiting until I was ready which meant i had to kiss first. I gave him a kiss outside that store and my first thought was, Darn, I am on the job and so is he, but I really want more kisses. However, it was only two minutes or so and he was off on his route. Thats how you know the chemistry is there. So what you tell this guy is that you like him as a friend but you just felt no romantic chemistry with him. I actually told all the guys that I met but didn't like that there was no chemistry for me and for some reason, that is something guys seem to understand. Don't know if teen boys are an exception but that would be the best thing you could say to the guy. Plus stating you therefore won't be his girlfriend. Better to say to any new guy that you need to hang out a while, just the two of you to decide if you want to be his girlfriend. If he has such low self esteem that he doesn't like it, or he feels it would hurt his image, don't ever date him. The few guys who don't like a female who lays down the rules and is self confident, are most likely controllers who will at some point abuse their girlfriends or wife. MOst guys find a gal who tells them ahead of time what she will tolerate and what she wont if they date, to be like an aphrodisiac, they feel like moths drawn to a flame, you are irresistable. Yep, I saw that happen to guys and I don't look like a model. It would seem, its more a turn on that females speak up for themselves and take the role of stating boundaries first and then both together work on any future things together compromising. If its all what one person of a couple wants and the other hardly ever getting what they need and want, then its the wrong person for you.

Lastly, there is something called New Relationship Energy. I read this ages ago somewhere but dont remember where. It was helpful. NRE for short, is an actual energy that mimics at first, the chemistry a couple needs. Remember when as a kid you gave hints as to what you wanted, and then got them for Birthday or Christmas gifts. How excited you were, and didn't want to do anything but play with that toy. But if the toy wasn't something that could engage your interest forever, if it was the wrong kind of fit for you, after some time, you never picked it up again. My example is seeing a doll my height practically as a 4 yr old and getting it for CHristmas. I was excited but the excitement soon wore off. It was a hassle to carry this giant life sixed doll around and having tea partys with a doll soon held no interest. My parents discovered my love of creative things and art so Spirograph, Etch a Sketch, paint by numbers, crayons, markers, color books, bracelet or jewelry kits, or the make things with a loom, were the kinds of things that never lost my interest because I had a creative streak that wanted those things. The same happens with people. At first, just having a guy pay attention and want to take you on a date is so exciting, like recieving that wrapped Christmas gift. The same kind of excitement is there, and people mistake this excitement for feeling you have chemistry. That is one thing I failed at when younger. My boyfriend was the first guy to kiss me and date me. It felt special to have his romantic and sexual attention. Being it was all new to me, anything new is exciting so it was, so I assumed we were a romantic match. Wrong I was. We married under a year later and even then, being with him was so so, nothing exciting. But I believed that a love like this had to grow over time. I eventually thought that there was no such thing as romance that I saw in movies or read in books. It was over-rated. All that time I had no idea I was with the wrong person for me, and since there was no chemistry, he blamed it on me saying I was frigid, not sexy enough to spark his interest. Sex was only when he wanted it which was barely once a week and only on days where he didn't have work the next day. By now, I have told you so much more than you actually asked for but I hope you see how this all goes together. I am essentially giving out the advice now you may need in a few years as well as for now. Blessings to you hon.


t

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I am in my early thirties. I was born with a super fast metabolism. It didn't really bother me when I was a little girl but I do remember people commenting on how much I ate.

In high school I noticed it much more and in college I became self conscious and even a little worried. I ate so much more than everyone else and everyone thought it was weird. I did a lot of athletics in college and I ate around 7000 calories a day. People would ask all kinds of questions and some people thought I had an eating disorder. It was really annoying. I talked to a doctor and a nutritionist about it but no cause was found - the same as with my family doctor growing up.

One thing people used to say is that one day my metabolism would slow down. It probably has a little, but not very much. I still eat 5000 calories a day and if I do any sports or anything strenuous my appetite pops right back up to college levels.

I have learned to accept this as how I am and I know I shouldn't let it bother me, but sometimes it still does.

A couple of weeks ago my three old roommates and I spent 3 days at one of my friend's vacation house in the hills. For breakfast I ate more than anyone else and they noticed. Then we went on a long hilly hike. My friends all packed a sandwich for lunch and I took three. When we got back 6 hours later I was having hunger pangs. We ate dinner early and I ate at least 2x what anyone else did. There were comments like "Oh! hungry Rosemary is still hungry!" etc.

Around bed time my stomach was cramping and demanding food again. I finally told my friends I needed a snack and they watched me finish the dinner leftovers and some fruit, about as much as I ate for dinner before. They all sat around saying things like: "Now I remember why we never had any food in the house", "I can't believe you still eat like that!", I have never seen anyone who eats like you", "I'm still stuffed from dinner. Are you really hungry?", and my favorite: "You should see a doctor just to be sure".

This is very annoying and embarrassing. I have seen the doctor and I know my metabolism is weird. I hate feeling my stomach getting hungry at a bad time. I can't help it or stop it. It make me feel weird and abnormal. I don't want everyone talking about it. I am just HUNGRY and I need to eat.

I know they're not trying to be mean at all. It doesn't bother me as much as before but it still brings back memories of awkwardness and feeling somewhat abnormal.

I still want to find a cause of my metabolism and I would like to know if anyone else has this problem. There have been much more embarrassing times in the past but this still bothers me. I don't also know how to handle the situation.

You remind me a bit of myself. High metabolism but not to the extent of yours. Basically I could eat large meals and the kind of stuff that added pounds to others, but it never did to me. My sisters were asked by people if I was anorexic. I wasn't. I am sure people thought so too when I first married but hubby never said that people asked. Just the comments on how bony I was. Even my own parents came up with a nickname using Boney to rhyme with my name, but I could feel it was never to make me feel bad, just a description of what I looked like, same as me calling my 2nd husband, hairy over all his body, my Sasquatch. He knows I don't mind and actually like his 'fur'. So to talk on how to handle, the battle is all in the mind. I never felt it meant there was something wrong with me, just that I differed from the norm. And different doesn't mean abnormal.

My parents made sure a Dr. checked me too, mainly for tapeworm. I didn't have it but DRs can give a medicine that kills it. Basically it begins to grow in you once contracted, and is probably more of an issue in under developed countries with lack of the basics for good health. It will live in your stomach and eat the food that you eat, thus your not getting the nutrition you need so you end up looking like an unhealthy too thin person.
Bad news is you can't change your metabolism. And yes, eventually it slows down. But it took until I got to about 50 when I noticed I was putting on weight, small bits, eating the same stuff and fattening foods that didn't bother me before. I am now over 60 and my appetite has even dropped amount wise for a meal so I understand now the smaller senior meal deals. I was 110 in HS up to 7 yrs in marriage when expecting 1st child. I only put on baby and water weight, no matter how much I ate so I suspect one day it will be the same for you or you may even weigh a little less but have a healthy normal kid. After 3 kids, I weighed 115 to 117 for a long time, not getting to 120 until the kids were grown up. After a divorce and until I met my 2nd husband, I remained 120 except for short term weigh gain and loss to 125 at most. During the years before the pandemic, I weighed up to 130. But now during the pandemic, where I can eat as often as I want being stuck at home alot, my weight went back down to 123- 125 and seems to be staying there, and yes, I still have some things that put on weight like cookies and chocolate for example. My wrists no longer look too bony,still small though and My elbows have never changed, still look anorexic.

I shared that so you have some reference point of what the comparison might be between you and I.

However, I never let it bother me. I have always made sure when getting curiousity over it from those closest to me, to explain before they said so that I was not anorexic or on my way to it, just born this way and I can't gain weight no matter what I eat. Those close to me, never teased because they knew and any teasing they did, was done so because they cared about me, not because they wanted to hurt me. As a child, I had great anxiety thinking that all comments and teasing was meant to hurt or bully me, rather than kids wanting to be friends but not knowing how to make first contact or first conversation. So if ever heard a tease in teen or young adult life, the time when others haven't gained the skills yet on how to communicate without saying the wrong thing, I would join them and laugh. "You are so tiny, a stiff breeze could blow you away." I would laugh and say, "You're almost right. In a heavy wind that most people can still walk in with no problem, I was stumbling to keep up right." When I shared things like this, I got less and less comments, cus those who don't know better, find its no longer fun because they are not getting the defensive reactions from you. And those who care about you, will find you so much more fun, if you make it so they can laugh with you rather than at you. Hope this helps you dear.

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