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Life is an adventure but Life doesn't come with user manuals for everything. School subjects do little to prepare us. Its no wonder we all need helpful advice sometimes. Blessings to you!

advice

28/f

I've been trying to figure out whether or not I've made the right decision in cutting my friend of 10 years out of my life.
When my dad passed away in March, I told everyone (including my friends), that I was going to go off grid for awhile to regroup, which also meant that I wasn't going to respond to anyone until I was ready. All of them met me with support and understanding.
One of these friends, was a girl friend of mine from high school. We used to have a lot of things in common, but I think life pulled us in different directions, but yet we were still able to remain friends. Two weeks after I have told everyone I was going to be off grid, she just texted me "hey." I didn't respond to her mainly because she has had a habit of messaging me randomly purely out of boredom just to talk. I figured since I had already told her I wasn't going to respond and that I was going through a lot, that it should have been fine.

Let me just say that I was going through a lot. I was going through trauma therapy from being in an abusive relationship in November, had lost my job in February, my dad passed in March, and then was having issues with my family dealing with my dad's ashes. I was seeking support and decided to call my friend.
The first thing she said was something very catty and told me that she was surprised to hear from me and that she knew that I was going through something and that because she was there for me for "my shit," that I would be there for her when she was going through hers. She told me that if she was to text me during this time, I should've just KNOWN that it was something important. She continues to tell me about the issues that she was going through (she was being abused in her relationship). I sat there and listened to her, told her that I cared for her and that I was there for her in any support that she needed and to next time to tell me directly that she needed my help.

But even then she told me that she didn't want me to feel bad for not being there for her (which was what she was doing this entire phone call), and when she asked me for my opinion, she pretty much told me that my opinion didn't matter. So at some point, I got confused as to why she wanted to talk to me if she had other people, "who were eligible to give her advice" (her words, not mine).

In the end, I apologized and told her that I just didn't have the emotional or mental bandwidth to be able to talk to someone else about their issues because I was trying to carry my own. She responded with, "just because your dad died??" I was surprised she would even say that. I get that she could have been stressed out, was projecting, taking her anger or stress out on me, and even vented and didn't even bother asking me how I was this entire one hour phone call. But her saying that, was shocking.
After this, I decided to stop talking with her completely. I don't know if this was me overreacting, but I don't think I could have ever gotten to a place where I would have asked for her opinion, told her that her opinion didn't matter, and then invalidate her experience or feelings by saying "oh, just because you're getting beat by your fiance?"

Neither you nor your friend are in a place where you can give advice right now. You are grieving a loss of Dad and job and all the garbage from having been in an abusive relationship. She is still in an abusive relationship. I used to be in a verbally abusive relationship, my first husband and stayed stuck there for about one month short of 30 years. After leaving him, I went through some counseling. Everyone needs that and you both do too but neither are at your top best to be able to help. Its like going rock climbing, having an accident and needing your friend to help but they have a severe injury and are bleeding. Its not a matter of you taking turns to help each other. If one is in so much pain that it fogs the mind and they have no strength to hold onto a rope and pull you to safety, then the help you each need is not going to come from each other. I understand needing someone to talk to. But it has to be someone who is not currently sad, down, blue, depressed, grieving etc... because they need help too before they can give it.
I don't know how well you explained to everyone about going off grid. For some, that means living remotely without power and water hookup sometimes and so on. If you already knew your friends way of calling you when she was in crisis and being that she is still in the bad relationship, there wasn't going to be a day she didn't need help. Abuse is 24//7, no break at all. Abuse will affect a person in one of two ways, either all the bad energy from being abused goes to somewhere in the body and you get an illness caused by the stress (that happened to me) or the stress goes to the mind causing lack of confidence, low esteem and so on plus things like nightmares, always unsure and always saying sorry to people cus you're used to it. This stress can eventually kill you if the beating doesn't first. Now you know why neither of you can help each other. You could at the most share your therapist stories with each other but the 'medicine' you each need does not come in a package that looks like each of you.

I don't know how long you were silent but calling anyone during this time, would indicate without words that it is over and okay now to talk again. If her situation was that bad, and she was ready to leave him, she could have called the police, got a restraining order and gone to stay with a relative until things settle. If she was injured bad enough to need to go to the hospital, she could have called an ambulance. You left such a relationship, she hasn't, so you should know that just talking to a person unless they are seriously thinking about ending it, is useless for the most part. Whatever someone says has to be taken to heart, mulled over and cause you to take the needed action. Your calling her while supposedly off grid is something I sure wouldn't do as it could send the wrong message. Don't blame yourself that you should have known it was serious.... because just the fact that she is still with him and he beats her is serious. She doesn't have to wait for the next bruise,or bleeding for it to be serious. Have you asked yourself why you called her. If the relationship is based only on trying to help each other cope with crisis but nothing else, then both of you are each others crutches. She is not in a place of being able to have a clear mind unburdened with issues to be able to help so all you are going to hear from her is the kind of stuff you shared in your letter. It may not be entirely her fault. I wasn't my best when abused but that changed after I left. this is all why she sounds so heartless right now. Keep the break going but let her know just once, by text that you are no longer going to reach out to hurting friends until they have dealt with their issues so if it takes her a year, then you don't talk or see each other, no text, no calls, no letters, no going to places where you know you can bump into each other...Just don't. When she has finally left him for good AND is going to therapy, then is a good time to pick up where you left the friendship. If you stay friends right now, you will be adding her to the list of things you are dealing with and the goal is to eventually shrink that list until none of the issues are causing you pain any longer. About family fighting over ashes,, that is very common. A death will bring out the worst in all family you got along with well before. That happened when my Mom died and I was her executor. My sister and their husbands kept telling me they did not trust me to split any monies fairly and fought over unnamed items not in her will, like home decor, clothes, etc. I got so upset with all that, I just told them I had enough and was leaving...and the topper, they had no idea why I wanted to leave. I wish you well and am proud you left your bad relationship. Good for you!

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hii i used my sisters vibrator not thinking and she doesnt have stds but for the past couple of weeks ive been itchy every so often and my vag smell smells diff im 13

First off, the best thing you can do when not old enough to go to sex shops to buy a nice vibrator or vibing dildo, is to purchase a vibrating toothbrush. This will be only for your clit, never for your teeth. Actually, I prefer that, although its only used for the clit, not inside. But clit orgasms are great and will do for now. Use the back side where no bristles are against you. You might be able to tolerate the bristles, just be sure its the soft bristles.

Next, keeping clean down there is not as hard as one thinks. But using a vibrator that most likely was not properly cleaned afterwards could have caused the issues. Your vagina has its own ecosystem where it cleanses itself out, good bacteria is part of that. But there are things that can upset that balance. So the less you do to that area, the better for you. The couches meant to keep you smelling pretty down there are actually known culprits of killing the good bacteria which allows yeast to grow so I stopped using douches in my 20s. Bubble baths or washing with soap....thats another irritant. getting antibiotics will definitely cause a yeast infection...either vaginal, or by the anus. The meds allowed yeast to grow in my poop so I ended up with an itchy rash there once. Meds are used when you get a UTI, urinary tract infection. I had this happen as well. I was wiping myself as one should from front to back and not the other way where germs from a bowel movement. So to treat a yeast infection, you would need to purchase Miconazole cream because its an over the counter item you can use to treat the yeast infection. If it doesn't help, then it's time to see a doctor and you'd want to tell your Mom, as embarassing as it might be to you. Imagine having only a Dad. So talking to Mom should help with her getting you in to see a Dr. These days, if any exam needs to be done, then a female nurse will be in the room, or perhaps they would allow your Mom. This is a precaution so women can't be sexually abused by a dr. or a woman making a false claim for the heck of it. As yeast is fairly common, this is why the cream is so readily available. If there is some of the cream already at home that your Mom or sister have used, don't just use the rest up, let someone know you need it. Oh, and just in case you are afraid to say anything thinking people might believe you had sex and thats why you have it, that is not true. I had someone ask that once.

Here's info from the net: A man can give a woman a yeast infection through sex, but having sex with a man who has a yeast infection doesn’t always lead to infection for his partner. Around 75% of women will develop at least one vaginal yeast infection in their lifetimes. If a man has it, likely he's uncircumsized, doesn't clean well down there and a few other reasons. My husband has never had yeast infection...I believe it tends to be a more rare event.
Personally, in all my life, I have never heard from any female who talks openly, where she got it from sex with a partner and I have not. What is more common in women is to get UTI's from having sex. The reason is that any body fluids are oozing around on the outside and the hole for your pee is in the same area, too close to the vagina and clit so your or his fluids could be rubbed onto the pee hole. So the best habit you can develop when you do have a partner when older is to go empty your bladder after having sex, as that usually washes away the germs before they have a chance to infect. If you smell an off odor, then its some kind of infection and could be yeast or something else easily treatable. In the meanwhile, get the battery run toothbrush, clean it well after use. One thing we forget is that having clean hands, fingers, nails are just as important because even though a person may wash their hands, germs will linger easily with a washing, around the nail bed and under it. So you might want to buy a nail brush to use in cleaning well around finger nails so you don't give yourself germs from your fingers. good luck.

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First off I want to say that yes I care for my mother very much ever since the loss of my sister in 2001 it has been very difficult on me and her. But I feel at times that she's trying to change me into the person I used to be... quiet,shy, never had an opinion and if I did I kept it to myself.

I love the person that I am becoming more and more everyday.. and it's not because of the smoking tree. It's because I am finally working, taking care of my kids and my self, I'm with a man that helps me to be better and do better daily for my kids. She doesn't understand that I have had extreme depression because a lot of things that have happened in my life, it all started when I was 4 yrs old and was hurt by my dad's brother., nobody believed me then and tried to save me like I wanted. Then again when I was 19 yrs old and my own father hurt me, I did everything I could to more less save myself from him because of all the pain that he was causing me. My question to you is., why does it matter so much that I smoke tree when I take care of my bills, my kids, and do that to keep my depression down so I don't have to end up taking pills again and end up having another mental break?
Any advice would definitely help.

I assume you are not talking of a plant called Smoking Tee but that you smoke Pot and say it helps with depression. I don't believe that pot is any longer thought of as a bad thing by most people because those in retirement age are using it too now for various aches and issues that conventional meds are not working on. For example, I have had insomnia my whole life and could manage it until it got worse as I got older so now I use it to go to sleep. Heck my Doctor knows and thinks nothing of it.
If you want to smoke weed, then that's your business, as long as you don't end up so high you can't take care of your responsibilities. Just don't smoke in Moms presence.

I understand you are trying to be polite in using words. So when you say hurt by uncle and dad, I am assuming sexual abuse rather than simply beating physically. Most would say a parent beats them which is also not right. Whether the abuse is mental/emotional as mine was with my ex or physical of any kind, the abused party will need counseling to help move on in life without depression. It doesn't sound like you have clinical depression which is your bodys inability to create the feel good hormones your brain needs to deal with heavy hard things. This sounds more like you are saying you have depression due to the things that happened to you. I know this as I have family, a daughter who was depressed after an incident in her life but not before that. She got a list of things to do to raise the amount of feel good hormones in her body. Depressed is another word for the situation of being too low in something and often totally out or run dry, meaning there is nothing left in you to deal with the situations of your past. I can't speak for your Mom but she may not be over grieving for your sister or if Dad was or still is abusive to her in anyway including verbal abuse. It could be some issues in her mind she hasn't moved on from that have her trying to change you. If you both haven't had counseling, you need it. Believe me, I did after my divorce to undo coping mechanisms I began to use by habit to deal with the abuse but these things were not conducive to healthy relationships with others and could possibly cause problems. I have an older daughter who had depression after giving birth on top of depression she hid well from me and not because I overlooked my kids, or did not look for signs. I did but depression where most the signs for it are hidden is not. She got on meds but went off them because she did not like the side effects. So what would you say if there was a way to check if you can bring those levels of feel good hormones up so you can deal with your depression to the point you can keep it at bay or get totally rid of it? This is what I find so archaic in the mental health field, they medicate rather than go for the root of the problem. A friend loaned me a book by the psychologist turned author, David D. Burns. He was originally one of those Drs. not open to new methods until a colleague told him there was nothing to lose if he tried some of these methods on some of his patients who were not responding well to anything so far. His website is here: https://feelinggood.com/

He was so booked up, he gave a book that talks of the subject to his waiting patients to read until he could see them. By time their appointment came, they had read and resolved their depression by following what they read and some were improved. That won the Dr. over. Dr. Burns discovered that the majority of people diagnosed as depressed and only medication can help, were a small fraction of all his clients. the majority responded well to what is called Cognitive Behavioral Therapy. If you have health insurance that covers mental health, check the list of approved psychologists and look for one who has CBT after their credentials or mentions it as how they work with depression. It works hon, cus I used a method just like this before even knowing of the Dr. And when I read his book, it had the same solution for social anxiety I had as a teen and kid and I realized it would be too hard to navigate the adult world with my severe anxiety so I followed the recipe I was given, working at my own pace til comfortable, step by step until after about 2 months or a bit over, I was no longer anxious and at 63, still not anxious nor any signs of depression, and oh yes, best of all, now have a new husband who is a keeper! If you want the list of things you can try to raise your feel good hormones, I will share it but you will have to ask me for it by going to my advice column 'dragonflymagic' and writing to me from there. By the way, the one free visit on company insurance that my daughter used to see a psychologist, he recognized she had situational depression which is the most common that most people actually have and one can easily follow the list and find help and get better . He gave her that list since she couldn't afford to see him again and pay out of pocket. The list she showed me was the same as the list I can give you. I won't send unless you really want to try and ask for it. Meanwhile, I still say, find a counselor because being sexually abused or abused physically in other ways is something people don't recover from well on their own without the help of a proper psychologist. If you want to smoke, then do so. Or for time you might be around Mom, there are edibles or candies that work the same, at least they do for me, although I sometimes smoke bud, but vape half the time. All work well on me. Blessings!

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Please advice on keeping rabbits at home.

If you rent somewhere, this might be hard and likely would be a no like cats and dogs not allowed some places. If you have your own place, we just set up a rabbit cage big enough for the two dwarf rabbits we got, one for each daughter. I have heard rabbits can be litter box trained but we never tried. They will need a water bottle for cage and hopefully the cage will have a catch tray for the poop and urine to drop down to. We set it atop an old metal kitchen cart so it was off the ground. This was around twenty years ago so I won
't remember all the details. Rabbits will eat food scraps like fruit and veggie peels, and things like the drier part of stems of veggies and lettuce that most people would compost. And of course you must buy rabbit food. They will need some hay and you can get small packages of Timothy Hay a sweet type of hay at pet stores and pet sections of many department stores, but not all. While they may eat the hay, it also makes a good mat other than wire bottom of cage to move about but if its colder, we added more hay and they would heap it around themselves to keep warm. The girls brought the rabbits in the house to play with. I remember on several occasions each rabbit sitting on the back of the couch next to its owner who wsa watching TV and the rabbits just sat there and seemed to be watching too. Best thing to do is browse through books on rabbits for pets. We lucked out with no problems like never biting us or peeing and pooping inside. Those things never happened. But I can't say every pet will be the best behaved without any special training. One daughter is like the 'animal whisperer', and she gets a close connection with them. She trained her rabbit to walk on a cat harness and leash. We had small hawks in our neighborhood that hid in the rhody hedge sometimes. So she taught the bunny to flatten itself against the ground when she said "Stop". And when she wanted the bunny to move again she tapped the end of it and said 'Go' and it would go. Sometimes, in summer with a lawn that never got chemical treatments for the grass or weeds, we put the cage with bottom removed out on lawn with the rabbits inside and they could eat all the grass and dandelions they wanted. I am sure theres more you can learn on rabbits but this bit here is just all the ex periences I have had.

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I am a 14 year old girl and during my holidays, my twin cousin sisters came to stay with us for a few days and one day we decided to have photo shoot in our bikinis near our pool. But the next day those photos got sent to Mrs. Olivia, my class teacher and I was completely oblivious of this when I got a WhatsApp message of her scolding me for this and says she wants to talk to Mom.
I am so scared. What should I do?

First, I'd come clean to your Mom as to what happened. You have done nothing wrong. Now if all three of you were nude in the photo, then yes, it is a problem. All my daughters would pose in their and my clothes just to take pics of each other and sometimes their friends were involved. BUT, nobody ever put on line or worse yet, sent straight to the teacher. If you didn't do it, then your cousins did and so your Aunt needs to know. They made a bad decision not asking your permission to post and its worse by targeting your teacher, like they wanted to rile up the teacher on purpose. That issue needed to be resolved. Now for the teacher, she may be on the prudish side and alarmed if she thinks too much skin shows. I am thinking thats well known if the case, because why else send directly to her. We have the right to wear whatever we want to wear for clothes and that extends to underwear, bathing suits and shoes. Your real problem is not that you did wrong in taking those photos. Those photos could be shared with anyone in the world and they wouldn't even think it was a bad thing to pose for in bikini. Tell your Mom what happened as the next step is her calling your Aunt and telling her what has happened. The true crime here is your cousins deciding to send such a photo of you, in bikini to your teacher. If you want, you may show her my answer. Unless your family is super conservative religious, I used to attend such a church when in my twenties, your parents should 't have any issue with it. Sometimes, people like to poke fun at people they feel are hung up on whats normal for sex. I witnessed a gal faint at the alter on wedding day because they hadn't even kissed yet...so strict were the man made laws of the church that parents were enforcing.They never had sex and annulled the marriage. I was at a beach wearing a bikini and this was a church event at the local lake. Many others wore various kinds of swimwear but all the females were told to wear a t shirt over their bikini the whole time. I refused. I saw that the wet t shirts from swimming looked a heck of a lot more seductive clinging to every bit of skin and bikini. By sheltering kids from things like this, they grow up not knowing a thing and thus are dysfunctional when it comes to having a loving husband or wife someday. My daughter was on a mission trip to another state and were told whenever they heard the phrase, "ground check" they were to stare at their feet on the ground and not look up until the leaders deemed that the offensive object could no longer be seen. She sneaked a look and they were passing a nude statue in the park and she was disgusted that these people were making a big deal over nothing. A man whistled and the girl next to her started sobbing and hyper ventilating over the whistle. That shouldn't be happening. Maybe in some ways, your teacher is like that, for the same or other reasons. Thats their perspectives and view and that is something that should never be forced on kids and teens. Kids who have something kept hidden away from them on purpose are more likely to be so curious that in secret they check it out and can be so naive with not being taught stuff that a teen writing in wanted to know if she might be pregnant from just a kiss from a boy. Now that is real ignorance and the adults are enforcing it. Its bad enough without your cousins jumping in and trying to make it worse for you.

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So, I like a boy. He seems to have a lot of interest in me, and I like him too. But here’s the problem. He says he likes someone else, but also shows that he likes me as well. I’m confused and he’s confusing my brain. I truly don’t know what to do but I like him a lot

Well, liking a person is what starts the journey to becoming friends. While friends either a romantic/sexual attraction starts to grow, or is present at the beginning. If this boy likes you and even several others, he may only be ready for friendship at this point. The best purpose to dating is to find out what you like and don't like about a persons traits and personality and breaking off with anyone who is treating you badly or acting badly consistently--the kind of stuff that kill a relationship. Then when you choose someone to date again, make sure the next is better than the last one. The long term, steady dating is once both have found someone they like enough that way. Now I made friends easier with guys than women all my life and I am female. I see having male friends only, as a good thing, especially when young and starting the dating and couple thing. A close male friend can help you find info on how most guys are geared to think, what they say and so on. A male friend can help interpret if another guy is interested in you romantically, what certain words or actions mean.
Just ask him if he would like to be friends. Then wait to see if anything happens. If nothing happens, you can always try saying this: We have been friends for a while and get along really great there. SO I was wondering if we would do well as more than friends. What do you think?

you must not forget to ask what he thinks, as this is his moment to tell you He doesn't have those feelings or if he does, he'll agree you both should try being more than friends.

Good luck!

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My name is Svetlana and I am 28 years old. I live with my old parents and take care of them. My dad is old and it hard for me to deal with his personality. Lately, he humiliates me and my mom, he is rude to us and sometimes screams at us. He forgets everything, always angry and never satisfited with anything. I understand that he is really old now and deals with a lot of pain, maybe even with depression but it's hard for me not to take his words and actions to heart. My mom also takes it to heart and I always calm her down, I'm like her psychologist. But I'm hiding my own pain deep inside and I cry a lot when no one sees me.I have severe anxiety and sleep disorder already five years. My dads dramas costs me nights of not sleeping or having serious panic attacks during day time. I am afraid that I might face heart problems in near future. My chest is already hurting sometimes when I worry or in stress. As an example, my sister who lives in Russia has severe heart and anxiety problems. In her 30's she was looking after her husband parents like a nanny, and as much as I know they wore hard people to deal with. No one really helped her or looked after her while she was assisting her husband parents. Since she had no support, she was hiding her anxieties and worries deep inside. Later when those people died she started not to feel well. She woke up one morning and fainted, her face got paralyzed and she could nearly stand on her feet. She was taken to hospital that morning and was diagnosed with heart attack. Doctor told her not to work physically and to stay away from stress. Right now she is on disability and spends all her time at home. I am worried about my health because me and my sister are identical and we have same problems with nervous system. Right now it seems I'm walking down her path. I'm afraid that I will be facing heart attack and disability in near future. Is there any hope for me not to end up like this just like her? What can I do in my situation?

Your Dads issue is not due to age or neceesarily pain. I know we are all different when in pain, but we can still choose to not yell or verbally abuse anyone. Thats right, what your Dad is doing is verbal abuse which is as bad and worse than hitting abuse. People can not see bruises on the outside. My ex husband was verbally abusive. I finally left him but in the meanwhile, dealt with stress also. The stress affected my body whereas some people have stress affect their feelings and emotions and have mental issues. My stress caused all sorts of stress related medical issues, but I was young enough so it wasn't the heart yet. I left him before age 50, married again to a loving caring man. No stress now but having heart related issues, not heart attack, probably a hormone off which is being checked out as I write. I know that stress in a situation like mine was, will affect your health in some ways, just can't say how your body responds to stress and whether it might affect the heart, It may and it may not.

Lets say you did die, so how would your parents be cared for then? Whatever solution that could come about in that situation is best to start now so you are free of caring for them. Then you can visit but as soon as Dad starts his yelling again, this time, you can leave because they are either in nursing homes or have live in health care or day only nursing aides depending on their needs. I know that finance is an issue always. So check what government aide/help they qualify for and at the very least get some personal time away a couple days a week. I used to do that for a wife whose husband was at home, slowly dying, and needed half a day here and there to get away and that was government paid. This is the best I can tell you. Get in to see a doctor and let them know what is going on and ask also for a referal to a mental health professional. Your are a victim of verbal abuse as I was and I needed counseling. Everyone needs counseling when in or coming out of an abusive situation. They may be a help in pointing you where to check for health care help for your parents in home.

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Right before Holidaze break of 2019, the people who are majors and minors of my department in college all went to our department chair’s home and did the usual Xmas gift exchange thing. I’m in the theater department, so of course there are all kinds of crazy gifts (including a brand new cue ball, like the kind that goes with a pool table) and all kinds of swapping. I got the gift from this older gay guy named Jeremy. It was a roll of toilet paper which had pictures of Jeremy on every sheet, and it was on both sides of the toilet paper (like alternating, one picture on the outside of one sheet and the next sheet has the picture on the other side.) Jeremy said that he wanted to give a gift that “people could actually use”. He had peeled the backing paper off of the pictures before he put them on there so the pictures were really soft, like regular toilet paper. I asked him before we all left the party if he really wanted me to use it and he said “absolutely!”, which was so crazy but that’s kinda how he was-wild, crazy, unrestrained, beautiful, and epic. I accidentally left the roll of toilet paper with his pictures on it in my college apartment when I went to my parents house for Xmas or else I would have started using it over the Holidaze break.

Over the Holidaze break however, about two weeks after the party, Jeremy was driving over a hundred miles per hour and hit a bunch of trees after hydroplaning. He passed away instantly. (He had a habit of driving by himself at crazy speeds on back country roads; he always said that doing that was his happy place.)

At the memorial service, I tried to give the roll of toilet paper from the party to Jeremy’s boyfriend, but he said that he just wasn’t able emotionally to take it and he thought that since I had gotten it at the party, Jeremy would have wanted me to have it. I wanted to give it to Jeremy’s family, but then I thought about how awkward it would have been with them not knowing me and me handing them a roll of toilet paper with pictures of their passed away son glued onto every sheet.

So now it’s been about two years now and I don’t know what to do. We weren’t super close but we had a lot of cool memories being part of the same group of friends doing college together. He put in too much work making it to just chuck it in the trash. I don’t really have room for it though and it’s a pretty weird thing to have. Normally I try to be pretty minimalist but this one item is super difficult because of the story.

What do you think please?

I feel the same, it must have some meaning to you or you wouldn't be confused about what to do or heck, even wait so long. If I had recieved it, I would have tossed it in the garbage can as soon as I got home and if he asked me later if I like it, lie through my teeth and say, yes, we used it all up. I know someone like this guy you describe. What is funny to him isn't funny to me, he's wild, crazy, unrestrained but going on, unreliable and also seems unteachable in simple things, more like a kid in a grown ups body. I can't imagine anyone ever wanting a relationship with such a guy. My husband feels the same way. We see him once a week at a volunteer community dinner thing we do through church and he volunteers there. So, yeah I know the sort. I don't feel like I owe anybody anything, just because I know them from somewhere. theres aquaintance and theres friends. This guy doesnt sound like a close friend of yours, just an aquaintence, but you seem to have your two mixed up. If just an acquaintence and it was a gag gift, I wouldn't feel I had to treasure it just because it was given to me. What if he wrapped up and gave you a dead squirrel he found in his yard with a note saying that now you have your very own real fur, just not one you can wear. Would you have treasure it, put it on display while watching the maggots crawling on the body? Probably not. I have been to a store in the mall that had nothing but gag gifts like jelly beans that taste like bile, an ashtray that looks like a toilet, edible underwear and other crazy things. I would never want to receive or give such items. But because that was part of the set up of this party, people went for gag rather than substitute something nice, as I would have. I actually have no interest in such things. So since he is dead, I am sure, it won't matter if you throw it away. Burn it in a nice fireplace fire and say a few words over it. If you know whether he was buried or cremated, you could say, Jeremy, where ever you are, I thought it would be nice for you to have a second cremation of sorts since your pic is on this toilet paper, or since you were buried rather than cremated, thought it might be nice for you to have a cremation so I'm using the toilet paper with your image on it to burn in the fireplace.

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My daughter is 14 and I’ve been married to my husband since she was three. He has always been there for her as a great stepdad. My daughter’s room is downstairs and even though she is 14 he still goes downstairs every night to sleep next to her after I fall asleep at 3:00am. Then comes back up every morning around 7am. I know nothing is going on and my daughter is completely comfortable around him, she says nothing but good things. I have talked to her and she insists that she is fine with him doing this. However, I am not fine with this because she is fourteen and doesn’t need a grown adult sleeping next to her every night. I told him how I felt and that he doesn’t need to do that anymore but all he says is “you can’t tell me what to do” “you are a control freak” and disregards how I feel. He then said “well I’ll go downstairs and sleep on the couch near her since you don’t want me in the bed”which makes no sense at all! He told me I am just trying to “control” where he sleeps and my daughter doesn’t have a problem with it so he isn’t stopping. He told me I am the only one who thinks something is wrong with it and that I am jealous! I could not believe it when he said that. What is wrong here?!!!! I wanted to punch him in the face when he said that. He always turns it around on me and makes me look like I crazy for thinking this way. I just want to scream! He claims he goes down there because she likes to talk until she falls asleep but at 3am in the morning you should be sleep not talking! She is fourteen for goodness sake how long will he be doing this? I just feel uncomfortable about the whole thing for some reason and at this point this whole situation makes me want to just leave this marriage. She isn’t five anymore. Am I wrong for feeling this way? Am I just overreacting?

Yup, I agree, a ton of red flags. Your daughter could easily be in fear that he will hurt or kill you if she does tell or her voice or face betrays what she really feels, and won't tell you what really is going on. I mean what? A grown man wanting to sleep, only sleep next to a young developing girl. Young females are easy for predators to control because they think they have to go along, whether its a bf or an adult. Did you ever think, that once his eyes are closed, he won't know where he is sleeping anyways. He may still have some feelings for you but I am guessing not, if he doesn't enjoy and look forward to just cuddling next to you in bed. You are not over reacting. The stuff he says to you is manipulating, trying to point the finger at you that you are the problem is something my ex did. He needed a counselor and went only to make me think he was going all the time, but he only went the first few times when I went along. Later heard him telling a friend he had me duped, that he does not go for counseling because theres nothing wrong with him, only me. And he would belittle me in front of friends and family. It got worse than that. His BS about you controlling him is just to make you doubt yourself and like me when in the middle of such a situation where you are being manipulated, disregarded, and likely lied to, you don't see how bad it is, and its hard to get a good perspective. Even if he hasn't touched her, a grown man wanting to sleep next to a teenager just sounds too much like a pervert, a man who is into children and teens for his sexual excitement. Something is seriously wrong in his brain if this is how he explains himself and his reasoning of being near her, just on a couch at night. Lady, your daughter needs you rooting for her and keeping her safe and it may already be too late. I went for counseling after leaving my ex and boy did I need it. You don't realize til later how much your mind has been messed with until you leave and get yourself counselling. I know you need that. NOt because you're crazy, you are the victim too but you are the adult and your daughter is not. It might be best to say you want a separation and for him to go to counseling with you. I can tell you right now that if he shared with a counselor everything he does and shares exactly word for word what he's said to you, that any counselor would be alarmed and realize he's got some real problems. They probably weren't as obvious when she was younger, but now that she's getting her adult body, its a thrill to him to lay next to her, if thats all, or convince her to have sex but never tell or you die. Both you and her are the victims here and he needs counseling asap. If nothing comes of the counselling, he doesn't change, or refuses to go, it may be time to make some really hard decisions like taking the next step after a separation, the divorce word. You might get the daughter in private and tell her that you know that a father figure never sleeping next to his wife and only the daughter is not normal. That men who do will prey on a young persons lack of experience and that they are not old enough for their pre frontal cortex of brain to be able to understand better and see things for what they are.(This is usually a mature brain by age 25 or more say scientists) Men like this will use the fear factor in a young woman. So if he has said he would hurt or kill me if you ever tell, let me know cus I won't let that happen. I will go to the police, get a restraining order to keep you safe and leave him, divorce because you are more important than a husband who no longer sleeps next to me. Even if she had not been touched, it is not normal and she shouldn't have to put up with it. Trust me, this is something you have to act on asap. Children watch their parents closely and learn what a really good or bad relationship is like. I wish I'd left my ex earlier. His deal was proving a weird mental prediction he'd made as a child, that every woman would always leave him so if a girlfriend did not leave, he'd treat her worse until she finally did. I was too loyal, not thinking for myself and going with our churches belief, "Trust God to heal your marriage". Then came the day, God finally got through to me and said, I gave everyone a free will, to do good or bad. Your husband has not kept any of his marriage vows, and I will not change him into a perfect man by force, like a robot who has no choice. So you are free to leave him. If you stay though, the stress will kill you either by cancer or heart attack. Heck I wanted to see my kids marry and become a grandma. So I left when the kids were out of the house. He had not verbally abused them, it was just adult women, to make his prediction come true. However, my kids were affected by simply seeing this unfold. One will not marry or bring kids into the world, another married someone with PTSD who had a terrible childhood, and I have no idea if I only see what he wants me to see and hides the bad stuff or not, the last one married someone as bad as their Dad or worse, a sociopath whose Father was a psychopath and confessed to family that he killed someone long ago. No way to know if its true but I have heard and seen what this marriage partner will do and its crazy stuff, and losing the oldest child when a teacher called child protection services and the child was taken away and given to the birth father, which this crazy person was not. You don't want your daughter thinking this is normal and allowing a future husband to seek out the bed of her own teen daughter. If its just wanting closeness to child in a relationship, thats worked on during daylight hours, not when its bedtime. Would he still be interested in doing this if it was a teenage son? I can't see any teen boy putting up with it if tried.

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my husband is still friends with his ex. They have also been friends since they were teenagers through now. He had got her flowers about 6 months before we started dating, then a few weeks into our dating relationship, he took leave and and he had hung out with her back home. They went rock climbing and out to Olive Garden.
He never told me nor did he mention it was his ex. I seen a post on her Instagram and that’s how I found out. I got a little worried since I had seen a reciept that he got her flowers 6 months previous. I was thinking maybe he still had feeling for her. And I was upset that he never mentioned it was his ex. I let it go, cause we’re just dating and he’s allowed to have girl friends. Well we ended up getting married and we were having an argument and he was messaging her about our relationship problems. That made me really upset. I told him I didn’t like that and it made me feel weird. He stopped doing it. i seen her name pop up on his phone when we were driving, nothing bad she was saying happy Father’s Day, I know it was his ex, I wanted to reassure nothing was going on. later that day I do go through his phone, (bad I know) and the message was gone.
The convo seemed innocent but why delete it. He said he deleted it csuse it was old. It was from the same day, and messages form years prior were still on his phone. Like I know the convo wasn’t bad nor was he cheating but why lie to me? One day I was sending pictures from his phone to mine of the kids, and I seen pictures of his jeep, and I’m like ohhh who’d you send those to? Thinking his dad probably, and he said oh I don’t remember. It was weird how he answered, I checked his phone again and it was to his ex (she’s into jeeps as well) again convo was innocent but why does he lie about it? It’s giving me trust issues. He will typically delete the messages after from her, and he finally told me it’s because he thinks I’ll get mad at him for talking to her. I told him I’m mad that he lies about it, not that he talks to her. It’s annoying. I would be okay with just talking as friends as long as you’re not making up reasons as to why you’re deleting the texts. Then he told me I’m ruining his friendship with her. Also to add. I found a note while I was unpacking our stuff, dated a year before us dating about how much he loved her and he wouldn’t be able to find anyone as good as her. Maybe that’s why I feel some type of way about him hiding that he’s talking to her. I know people can change feelings and he’s married to me. But why do I feel weird about it? I don’t care if they are friends and have friendly convo’s but she wants to meet me and I don’t know how to feel about that. My husband thinks it’s bitchy that I said I wasn’t sure if I wanted to hangout with her and meet her. I just feel awkward about it. Am I being immature and need to fix my trust issues??? They don’t talk daily, and I know he’s not cheating, but why is this making me feel weird. Would this make anyone else feel weird?

I also caught him on only fans spending $200 on girls, He lied and said it was a new account, and but he was using it for a while. I actually asked him if he had one and he told me no. But anyway, Told him he could watch porn but I’m not okay with spending money on it. Said he wouldn’t do it again… then a few months later he took leave for a job interview, and I seen he paid $45 more dollars for only fans again. Like I’m getting really annoyed here. I want to be in a Relationship with him obviously, but the way he tries to hide stuff annoys me.

The way dating is supposed to work but doesn't, is that when you leave someone you're dating, it should be because there are some things about them you really can't live with likepersonal habits, beliefs that they try to convert you to, religion differences, political differences, one wanting and one not wanting kids and a timeline for that like 3 years from marriage or less and the list goes on. When you look for someone new, it should be someone many steps better than the person you just left. As for feelings for an ex, hey my 2nd hubby and I both have ex spouses so heres what I have seen. His ex sounds bi polar and never found a new partner so if she's in crisis, she calls. Used to be more often. Saw her when she came for daughters graduation as daughter didn't even want to stay with mom as she seems to be a basketcase often. He doesn't hide anything from me, everythings out in the open and he will voluntarily tell me things about other women approaching him in any way. He was waiting for me close to a shift end at a fast food place when a single older woman who had seen him there before, walked up and said a few words and gave him a note with her phone number on it, asking him to call. I didn't see this but as I went past his table sweeping he told me. She had no idea he was my husband. When going after the trash can, she happened to be leaving and since he'd pointed her out, with a smile, I mentioned my husband was given her number and asked if she needed help. "Oh my goodness, I'm so sorry, I didn't know he was your husband. And yes, I don't have a car and was looking for someone to drop me off at a recovery house where I need to go for treatment." I was not jealous and did not react that way. When i caught him early morning watching porn once, the free stuff, I calmly watched over his shoulder. 'Oh hey, I found one gal who had your body shape and one whose chest looks just like yours. I asked if he could show me and I had to agree. The outcome, was he didn't want to wake me but wanted something to look at and only liked the pics that looked more like me so we resolved that by letting him take pics of me to store on his pc to look at as he needed but never share with anyone else.I had watched him closely for months, to see if who he said he was, was a consistent thing, never once becoming something else like my ex who was also verbally abusive. So having dealt with similar stuff, I have to agree with you, there is something strange about him lying to you. Either he is scared over you overreacting to something innocent, or he is not so innocent. You are getting mixed messages from him, and if I were in your shoes, I wouldn't trust him either. Basically, a potential partner is like a cracked clay jar. Whatever liquid is in it, will eventually ooze out of that crack. So if you see something oozing out that is not good for a relationship, you can bet there is way more of it, if you look inside. This is not a one time thing. An example of one time is telling my guy at the beginning what my boundaries were and a list of what I expected and stuff I did not want. I did not think to spell out anything about PDAs. I am mindful of how some things like that can bother other people so I never was okay with doing some things if children were near. I didn't want him to feel he did anything bad and while trying to figure out how to tell him, he noticed my face and asked whats wrong. When he said that, I started crying and then told him that I love when he shows me special attention, playfully patting or grabbing my butt or boobs but not where kids are near. He told me he was sorry. He would never do it again, and he never has, just public but selectively private. This differs from the crack example, in that it wasn't something he did often, it had happened only once and I had spoken to him about it. He was thinking he had hurt me and it nearly killed him to think that he had without knowing done something that hurt me. Your guy does not sound like a man who will ever be a one woman man. He doesn't really know what he wants, let alone how to treat a woman in a relationship. Now if he didnt have this problem with spending time with ex and keeping it from you, or spending money on porn, then he might be someone to take relationship counseling with. There is always a chance that he may have a sexual addiction which in the long run can interfere with a regular life, whether he dated someone or not. The addiction grows to where more time is spent seeking women for one night stands and internet porn to the point there is no time to run his home, pay bills, take care of car needs and so on. He does not sound promising at all dear. The only way you can get some perspective and see it for yourself is to spend some time apart. Right now, you have feelings of love for someone who does not care about your highest good. A good marriage has two equal partners, not one running the show, and the other trying not to complain and rock the boat. A couple needs to speak and have convo's, deep ones about whatever issues come up. Yeah, issues come up and a person needs to know how to bring up something they wish changed without accusing the other. I am sure you don't but when we get heated and angry, sometimes we don't say the best words. We both never yell but do have intense discussions about things in which one of us tells the other later, you were right, your idea would have been better. So all in all, you have to look at this as being an HR department, hiring for the position of boyfriend or potential husband, I did. First public meeting of a guy, I'd give them the list of what I am looking for and was on a dating site where that already was all listed. H.R. wants the best fit for an employee. How does the person act under pressure, when sick, when angry at something that happened to them that day-not from you, and so on. Have a list of what you Must have, because if not a quality or present in the guy, then it is a deal breaker. No, thats not being bitchy but smart and a couple men wrote me that I was too critical. My thought was, "Good, I can cross you off the list cus I am not going to change who I am to be a perfect fit for you. Sometimes its not even a bad attribute but one that would drive you crazy. I love to talk and talk often but I have met guys that talk non stop, and fast and never give me a chance to say anything so instead of a convo its more a story narration and I am the listener only. Also met a guy too quiet for me. When I asked if he was Paul, (made up name) he nodded and I told him where I was sitting. When I asked questionss, he either nodded or shrugged or shook his head no. Oops, I was using close ended questions, ones that can be answer yes or no. So I switched to wording things so he'd have to answer and his answers were few and one word only. I had to drag info out of him, not my idea of a happy free flowing relationship so he struck out. Be careful hon, and make sure it is truly love you feel if you want to work on it. But like my ex, he was never willing to work on it or see a psychologist as his retired counselor friend told him was needed . He saw the same issues in him that I had with him. I loved my ex when we married but after so many years of not receiving any real love from him, I no longer felt a love back for him. Sometimes only one person loves the other and the other does not love you back or only loves a few aspects of you, but there is no unconditional love. Conditional would be a guy telling the wife, if you ever gain 15 pounds, I will leave you and find someone better and yes, I heard and saw this one with my own eyes and ears. It could be he likes you well enough but if it's not enough for you, then he should be out of consideration for being BF or husband. If he won't go to couple counseling, then he really isn't deeply enough in love with you that his whole world would fall apart if he lost you. I have had some medical scares, and my 2nd hubby told me that if he lost me, he would miss me so badly that he wouldn't feel like moving on. I know of couples where once one died, a couple months later I heard the news the second one did too, not able to bear being apart, so united in death was the better thing for them. One such couple attended a church I used to attend. So not making any of this up. Stop listening only to your heart and its feelings. I did too with my ex but the heart is like a bank savings account. The partner needs to be making depositss of love, loving things and actions to this bank account which is your heart. My ex made none. Later when a partner tries to be intimate,even just in conversation, not just sex, there is no love in your heart that can be withdrawn because they never put any in, in the first place. You don't want to end up married, feeling stuck and having someone who doesn't respect or love you, and expects you to be ready for them, loving and happy. So think hard about whether you should be staying, or leaving.

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I’ve been dealing with an annoying neighbor for over a year. He used to wake me up with his alarm. That has since stopped but he’s louder than the other neighbors that lived there before him. Honestly, I never heard them at all. Granted some people are more quiet than others. But, I also think the thin walls play a role. So, when October came I was for sure he would have been moved out or evicted because the property manager came to his door asking for rent shortly after he moved in which was sometime in October. Than, maybe a few months ago there was a note left on his door. So, I assumed he’d been gone my now since it’s been a year. I can’t imagine they will allow someone to renew their lease if they have noise complaints and past due rent. The irony in all of the while I was waiting for him to move I should have moved. I just was hoping this would be the last month dealing with him.

Just wondering how I got here

There is no question from you and I am guessing this is the way you've chosen to vent your feelings. So, hoping everything turns out for you.

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There’s this boy who does things to catch my attention like shutting my computer everyday in our classes and whatnot, and while I am not bothering or annoyed by it my classmates who have witnessed it seem to think it bothers me. When other people started to notice the pattern of him doing that it was only 1 or 2 people, today it was the whole class who saw it and started to conversate about it. They made comments to him and in general teasing him and accusing him of having a crush on me which I don’t quite believe. Everybody appears to believe that I am highly annoyed by him doing that, they tell him to stop before I "beat him up" I’m not even a hostile person and I’ve never had a fight at school or threatened anybody! They also keep telling him to stop "bullying" me the teacher even threatened to give him suspension if he does it again which is a bit overreactive considering that I don’t even care that he does it. All of these reactions are where my confusion lies, yes I am a typically serious and I don’t crack jokes or laugh too loudly but how does that equate to me feeling anger towards the boy because he’s doing something as innocent as closing a computer, when he does it I don’t even react with a facial expression or verbally to the point where the other classmates can see my reaction from behind my mask. This is not the first situation where my classmates have perceived me as this humorless not to be joked with girl unprovoked, how does it appear that I am angered by his actions and would take it as far as getting physical with him? How do I show my classmates that I can be lighthearted and that it is ok to joke and be at ease with me? Also, since I am quite awkward and don’t even know how to react when he does this(even though he has done it several times)what can I say or do if he does it again that will prove I am not bothered by it?

I don't get this situation often in those who write in so I am happy to have this to tackle for you. First off, I don't think it is bullying, because those who bully, are looking for a payoff. Its either the person looking scared, angry, crying even, complaining and telling what happened to all who would listen. If that is not happening, most bullies wouldn't want to waste their time because they don't get the reaction they want. Your classmates have fallen into a rut, thinking that what he is doing is bullying. Those who say he may like you may be closer to the truth. We've heard stories or seen it portrayed in movies where the boy is interested in a guy but doesn't know how to get her attention, doesn't know what to say or too scared to try, so they stick bubblegum in her hair, or catch a frog, bring it to school and place it on her, her sesk, all to get a reaction. Even if he's not a young boy, males are as scared of rejection as females are. So they go to odd lengths to try to get the attention.
I know it doesn't make sense, doing something not nice to a girl to get her to like you? Bunch of BS, right?
I have heard of psychologists telling parents why their good kid is acting up. The parents got too busy and the child feels neglected, even if they aren't but the child does something bad to get attention, terrible attention since theres grounding, extra chores, whatever a parent does to show their displeasure and get the child to realize they have to stop. But the same child may have learned at home or elsewhere, that behaving and being nice, being good never brought them the attention and amount of love they need, so they carry that warped notion into the dating circle. If old enough to date, a guy who has a skewed idea of how to properly make friends with and/or ask the girl to date him. This most likely is what he is doing. He is waiting for you to respond to him and what he does. Odd he doesn't change it up a bit, just the same computer closing. And yes, its obvious, the whole class has noticed, yet he can't understand why you seem to be unfazed by it. He may not be your type, even for a friend, but I figure for this to stop, you will have to have at least one short conversation with him. But be nice in what you say, using reverse position to understand what you would not like to hear from someone. For example you catch him in the hallway, and walk up and say, I've tried to not make a big deal of this, and it doesn't really bother me, but you are in danger of the teacher getting you disciplined for bullying. I don't want to see that happen if you are doing it only to make friends. So why are you doing it? You can tell me anything and I won't freak out." He may not be willing to say he likes you, or shrug and say I don't know. So then you might have to ask, how were you hoping I would react to you closing my computer all the time. YOu don't do it to anyone else. If I have said or done something I wasn't aware of that hurt you, I am sorry. But I want to know and this is your moment. If you don't come clean and tell me and stop doing this thing, then at some point, you will be in trouble with the school." If you get to this point without a confession, then ask point blank if he thinks he likes you and wants to be a friend. Don't say boyfriend. Let him get to that point eventually himself. I'd be curious as to how this turns out. I remember plenty of kids picking on me, just to get a reaction, a bad way to gauge who I was as a person, to see if I'd laugh and talk to them as if we were best friends. I had social anxiety as a kid and thought everyone was being mean on purpose, to bully. What I learned after I became an adult is that what kids do, usually through all schooling including HS is to tease a person. By the reaction, if easy going and smiling or laughing and saying something funny in response, the person can tell if you are approachable, seem like fun to hang with, and so on. If I dropped something as a kid and some said, "Butter fingers!" I would feel humiliated. Now I see it as teasing by seeing the good natured look on a persons face and to the same word, I might look back at them and say, "Yeah, I got some real good butter fingers, so remember that when you have a cob of corn that needs buttering." So you never know how a situation might turn out if you do react, but react good naturedly. Try that if you would rather not try to start a conversation with him. Next time he closes your screen, you could turn to him and say, "Thanks buddy, my eyes really needed a break from staring at that screen" and smile. This shows you aren't making a snarky comment by smile and tone of voice so he now doesn't feel bad , just acknowledged. Keep making funny comments in your own humor that fit the action of the computer being closed. If all the classmates start laughing when you comment, you can have something to say to them too like, "You all are jealous cus I have a personal computer closer and you don't. One thing less taxing my fingers and you wish you had the same" They will laugh again but because you gave them a brief bit of entertainment. Where there is none, they will try to create that entertainment by whispering or saying whatever they can to get you or this guy to react in some way.

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Hi thank you for the advice, I just wanted to add on to my question. I recognized that what he did to my cousin was harrassment. And I apologized to my cousin that she had to go through that. By his action, you mentioned that this goes to show his true self and that I am not missing out. And I 100% completrly agree with you on that. I guess I'm just curious of why he acted out like that. I can only think of two reasons: one is that he feels regret for being an asshole to me and that's why he is asking validation from my cousin if she hated him for how he treated me, or two he hates the fact that he has a tainted image and that alot of people know how poorly he treated me. Which one do you think that is? Although life has moved on for the both of us and I am much happier with my current bf, a part of me still feels hurt because our breakup never ended well. I never had the closure because he belittled me and officially ended it through text. And a part of me wants him to suffer with his guilt as I suffered from his harsh words and actions.

Hi dear. Thanks for writing back. Few people respond back so I never know if it helped or not. I hear a lot about closure from many people. To me, closure is nothing more than some information that helps someone feel they finally have an end to a mystery and now that they have it they can hope to put whatever 'It' is, behind them. Think again, its all because of some information. Parents whose child was stolen and is missing, don't know if by chance the child is still alive. When they finally find out the child lives or is dead, that's the info they needed to move on. You may have moved on physically but mentally, you have not. Don't think I don't know what it is like because I was verbally abused and towards the end, he began to push me and once pushed me off the porch. Luckily I was not injured but I knew the time had come to leave. I know harsh words and terrible actions. I have done lots of reading and studying on all sorts of subjects, my favorite being human behavior and how to basically live as a peace maker...even if the peace is just my own. By how I chose to think my thoughts, I created an environment in my mind that helped me to forgive but a person can never forget as holds true with the stories I can share with others who write in. I can relate. I have 3 grown kids with this bad man. I see him occasionally at birthday events for our grandchildren. I have a new husband who knows all about what my ex did and feels badly for me that I was treated that way. My new hubby and I met on a dating site. He had met other women but says none are as special as me...that in many ways, I am way more evolved and better than most women and considers me like a precious jewel and can't understand why the ex never saw the treasure he had in me. This will be a bit long as I am going to take you on a story journey here to get that piece of info that may help you understand why there are some really crummy, horrible people out there. So in my studies, some have been exploring all there is to be discovered spiritually. I apologize if you don't believe in the following, but I have to mention it to tell this story. I was a churchgoer but after a decade of marriage was looking for more answers. I read about our souls. How when we die, only the mortal body that housed our soul dies. So where does the soul go. The soul does go to heaven where they review their past life, and find how much of a goal they had to learn or do certain things worked out. This is tough when we decide before we choose a family to be born to, and our memories are erased temporary while in our human bodies. God created us, or whatever name you call him, and I believe continues to create souls that are born to this earth. So the planet is populated by souls who need to learn to become more like God. Some souls are just starting out and because God gives free will to all, the newer souls are about as far from being Godly as you can imagine. The souls who have reincarnated a zillion times have progressed on the journey to become more God like in behavior and how we think and love. I am sure you have heard a commonly used phrase, "They are an old soul" and the age of the body has nothing to do with it. These are the people you see in life treating all people well, reaching out to help the unfortunate but harder than all of that, able to forgive those newer souls who do them harm. I didn't say forget as you'd need amnesia to really forget. What happens is that after time has passed, the memories are no longer painful. But then they are pleasant either, so I guess what I feel about the ex is sorry for him that he messed up learning to be a good husband in this life so he'll have to repeat the lesson...same as having to take tests over in school. If you fail a grade, some schools will hold you back to repeat the grade. Same for souls who don't learn one little aspect that was on the agenda. I learned what I was doing wrong. I made excuses for him all the time whether out loud or in my mind. I was an older soul who had married a man who was not a soul who had progressed as far as me. Thats all! He would have treated any woman that way. In the few visits with a shrink where I was present, the Dt. already discovered a story I never heard before of him as a child hearing Drs tell his Dad that Mom has an equal chance of recovering from something, or dying. He latched onto the dying part in his mind believing his Mom would leave him. He would be abandoned by his MOm, a female and so that grew to include any and all woman in his life, that one day, every woman would leave him. When they didn't, he began to treat girlfriends so badly that they left and thus it fulfilled his personal prophecy in his mind. He was doing the same with me and being the more advanced soul, I lived my life above that, praying for him, loving him, trying to be an equal partner, and loyal. So he just became worse and worse. we met a couple, and became friends. The guy was a retired counselor and spotted the problem early on. He didn't even treat that guys wife nice in how he talked to her. The man asked if he was in love with me, not whether he loved me. We can love chocolate or cheesecake but that isn't an all encompassing type of love. Hubby reacted with blaming me for everything, how hard I was to live with right in front of my friends. I had learned that to respond or defend myself, it was like adding fuel to the fire. THe man let hubby tire of his tirade, and ignoring what had been said, restated his question two more times before he got an answer. Hubby said he was not in love with me, never was but loved me for being the mother of his kids. What?!! Well that explained why he didn't treat me lovingly. A younger soul is capable of doing that, he just chose not to. Next is a really bizarre experience I had which I wish the same for you to experience because it was very healing. I went to visit a shamanic circle with the ex. While we were to meditate and share afterwards if we wished what we heard or saw, was up to us. So as I stood there eyes closed, I had a vision of me standing there and you know those spirits that killed the men who opened the ark of the covenant in Raiders of the Lost Ark, well I saw spirits, not scary looking, but there were like a handful of them and they were flying in a circle eight, right through me, over and over. I didn't get the answer to what that was until that night in prayer. Those were healing spirits, who were healing my ripped and torn up, shredded soul. They were making my soul whole again. That way I would find it easier to leave and move on, and one more thing, not being afraid of men, wiser now and not wary of finding myself a new mate...I am too social to live alone. The church I attended had told me to trust God to heal my marriage. I finally asked God why it hadn't happened. God told me due to free will, he can not change my husband into the perfect man and husband. That meant the only choice left to preserve myself from the stress that was taking its toll on my body was for me to leave. I heard a few more examples from God to know I was hearing right. I had a short time to live if I stayed with hubby as the stress would catch up finally and cause something like cancer or heart attack. I wanted to see my adult kids marry and to be a grandmother, so I left him and friends out of state took me in. From there, I moved to stay with my sister about 6 months and then went to live with my oldest who was expecting her first baby, my first grandchild and from there, I stayed a short time with a friend before saving up enough to get my own place and then I met my current husband who is a soul who is really close to the same place I am at in learning as a soul. By time I met him, all my stress was gone and I had recovered physically. All my kids said I looked much healthier and happier. So from me who was belittled for close to 30 years by a husband, I did not need closure or lets call it words of explanation for why he treated me as he did. The Dr. and retired Dr. both had seen some kind of mental illness in him as well with resistance to getting better because hubby always blamed me or anyone else who was handy like at work and refused on going treatment because he still believed nothing was wrong, even when a friend said he might lose me if he didn't get better. Refusal to get better, showed me he really was like a lost case to me, there was nothing else I could do for him. And in the process, I had to learn to love myself enough to not allow myself to ever get mixed up again with an im-mature soul in a relationship or even as a boss or coworker, those all are people you spend a lot of time with. Instead of getting angry at people like that, I chose carefully who I hang out with most. I did run into one guy I thought was okay until our 3rd date where He finally showed his true self by saying racist comments about his maid and such and I knew it was a matter of time before his rants would be directed at me. So what have you learned from your ex. What do you see as warning signs? Try to spot people like that when out in public doing people watching. You may see all sorts of stuff you won't consider normal or healthy in a relationship, even if not the same things you saw in your ex. The best thing you can do is pray for him, even if you don't want to, showing that level of care by praying will change you and you can add to it other ways you do things that are what a soul at a higher level does. Volunteer to help the unfortunate, maybe like community dinners a church puts on. We aren't members but volunteers at a church feeding the struggling families of homes nearby and the homeless. Its things like that, caring in some way, and not lowering yourself to the other peoples standards. They operate at a lower frequency as I've heard it called. Wanting to see a person who hurt you suffer, is lowering yourself to their level when you have in the past, when you were a newer soul, lived the same as them or having done worse. God doesn't condemn someone for not learning, they don't have to go to a corner and wear a dunces hat, or be humiliated and picked on for being a newer soul. God could make us all perfect enough to want to be with Him right from the start. Like you having a magic potion you could use to force people to like you. But then, would they like you because they genuinely enjoy and want to be with you, be like you, or are they under the influence of whatever you gave them, or as it is for God, if He used His power to force everyone to be his Subjects. That is why people don't get sent to Hell for being bad, or in school terms, for failing a grade, you just get to repeat it until you finally learn. And if by chance a soul decides they don't want to enter Heaven upon death, then they themselves choose to end up in a place that is called Hell. I can'ts say all of this is for sure true. But the part of mature and immature souls is something I see unfold before me every day. Life in this world isn't without pain and hard work. It isn't easy to simply change your mind set, of how you think about a person or situation that hurt you, but its better than getting close to graduation day and instead of working at having everything for graduation ready, you decide to go join a class of Kindergartners because another Kindergartner soul treated you badly. Yuck. Going back to such a low level because it didn't end well, is to me like a dog going back to its own vomit and eating it up. You know better girl. You just got caught up in the nonsense as I once had when I was younger. I was 20 when I married. I should have been at least 22 or before that when I left him. But I suffered until leaving him at age 48. Met my new husband at age 50 and we're happily married and still as in love as newlyweds 12 years later. Sorry for this being so long but I felt you had to know what goes on, at least from my side. You decide for yourself what it is that you choose to dwell on, and the thoughts you choose to take regarding your mistreatment and the break up. Just be thankful he did dump you. Mine didn't because he wanted the woman to leave him. I am glad I finally did and pray your soul and spirit will be healed from the mistreatment. Blessings!

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I have a girlfriend that I love a lot, but I've also fallen for another person. I love both of them and I don't know what to do. This new person is stuck in my head but I know they don't like me the same way.

What do I do?

I feel Dr. Stephanie was correct in saying that:
the indication is that you aren't ready for an exclusive relationship with either one.

It doesn't mean anything bad about your character, just that, like me once upon a time, I didn't know two cents worth of how to go about finding the person who would be the right match for me. I married at 20, to the wrong person in so many ways, and yet, loyal and Christian that I was, I stuck with him, and it was the wrong thing to do. I was meant to leave him eventually which I did, but wish I had woke up sooner and actually learned some skills on how to interact with people but especially with men. You can run your own HR department, checking out potentials for the position of boyfriend, just as well as hopefuls vying for a position in a company. You don't mention ages, so I have no idea if you've been on job interviews but in interviews, it seems the biggest questions are forms of them that tackle your own personality, beliefs, morals, character in certain situations in life. The way people date today or their reasons for dating are pretty mixed up to me. People feel dating means the other person already approves of you, without knowing you really. Dating is nothing more than spending time together, doing whatever an established couple has done for years, browsing through the mall, running errands, grocery shopping, taking the dog for a walk, doing some gardening together,and fun stuff like going out to dinner, a movie, on a hike, but the latter, the fun stuff seems to be the only situation we see ourselves doing for a date. That does not tell you anything about a person like what they are like on a day when everything went wrong, or when they are really sick. Do they talk calmly to you, lovingly or change into a monster who attacks you. I had explanations for every bad aspect my ex showed me. In my mind I had reasoned them away, just like people do every day, who are dating but experiencing the same. So the best thing you can do is make a list of the must haves, something which if missing in a person, is a deal breaker. Examples are ones stance on politics, religion, and whether one wants to have children. Too many women never ever broached the subject, only to find out after some years of marriage and his resistance, that he actually never wants to have kids. I know of a man in church who revealed he never wanted kids of his own since he came from a family of 8 to 10 kids and had enough of endless kids around, in the form of siblings albeit but kids non the less and was so tired of that. There is no such thing as a compromise when one won't agree to one child only, and the other doesnt even want one, there's no such thing as half a kid so there is no compromise here. This is why there are things that should be on the list that are something you want so much that you have to find a guy who feels the same, whom you are attracted to, and both of you feel chemistry with each other. Since being each others best friend is not optional for a couple relationship, this is what you should look for, even if looking for what attracts you visually. A marriage or life-long relationship is only different from a regular friendship because of the romantic and sexual part of the relationship they have. This is important you learn now and practice now before ready to marry or find long term partner. The norm for most relationships due to people just not being taught how to handle relationships and what to do, is marriages of only lovers but not best friends, or best friends but not lovers. The latter is one where you get only okay and feel safe, but there is no sex, bad sex or sex has stopped. ONe or both get sexually frustrated and try to secretly have affairs to take care of that when a life partner should never have only one of those two foundations for successful relationship. If lovers only, they are okay as long as they are having great sex but out of the bedroom, they are mortal enemies, throwing things, hitting each other, yelling and fighting instead of being understanding and loving friends. There is already something not right when one person does not feel the same way about you. A person can't change anothers mind. Its more than that and I have not yet found an article that explains this best, knowing what I do, from bits and pieces everywhere. There is chemistry for being friends, otherwise, every person in the world would be your friend. Same for lovers, they need to feel a different kind of chemistry, the one of desire for each other, of love and respect that are unconditional. You say you are falling for the one who is not interested in return. Sometimes that happens, there is enough chemistry for one to be attracted, on a scale of 1 to 10, but the other doesn't even register a number 1 in interest. Why, I don't know. But I would rather find a sweetie where both of us feel desire at a 9 or 10 rather than a 2 and 10. Both would tire of such a relationship after a while. If you make a list such as I have, the list of must haves, and make a list of wants which are things are are not deal breakers, such as if he likes dancing or not, and if not, and you can't live without it, then its not on the right list and should be with your must haves. Keep updating your list, I had to do that with mine as I went out with guys and experienced things I hadn't thought to add to my list. Wants or likes are for another list in case you find two or more who have all the must haves, and this helps you decide which now has more of the qualities you like, the non deal breaker kind. Start reading up about relationships,conversing properly, and how to handle disagreements the correct way. Basically, do your studying and learning of the identification of what it is you really need and want and how to be what he needs and wants, without changing who you are. If you can't be right for each other without trying to change yourselves, you are not the right choice. So depending on how quickly you pick up on all this stuff, is how quickly you'll be ready for a rewarding relationship where you can be exactly what your partner needs and wants as well. Good luck.

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Hi,
I´m 22 und im in the 1st year of my master degree.
Over the past year I had several crushes,some of them lasted longer than the other. In high school i had crush on my brother´s best friend (boy). I was in the same class with my brother as we are twins, my crush was in the same class as well. I hated that i was in the same class as my brother because guys in class treated me differently. This crush of mine teased me a lot but in a different way. My classmate told me its because he liked me. I never told him anything because he was my twin brother´s best friend.


After high school, we hung out a couple of times in a group of friends. One time it was without my brother. We were in a car with other friends and he asked me if had a boyfriend. I thought it meant something but I guess not. It was such a random question to ask so maybe he asked it for a reason?

Recently, I texted him on his birthday and we have been texting ever since on and off. We were mainly talking about my brother and I hate that bc its like i dont exist without my brother. I even asked him if he wanna hang out during the weekend and told him to call some other people (except my brother, we dont talk together and apparently my brother is not talking much with my "crush"). He told me he would go but he didnt text me so we didnt go out (I didnt text him to seem needy).

Im just wondering if he ever felt something for me and its killing me bc I want to know if he ever liked me or not no matter what the answer would be. Do you think that maybe he didnt approach me because I was his best friend´s sister? But if he liked me he wouldnt be afraid to approach no matter what right? I mean what if we both wont text each other because of my brother?

I dont know what to do. Do i tell him something or not? I dont wanna ruin anything with him, but I would wanna know how things are. Once I confessed my feeling to a guy and I got rejected. So im kinda reluctant to do it now. I also dont want to be known to him as "his best friend´s sister". Also he told me that he doesnt talk with my brother that much, so it wouldnt be so awkward now.

I see nothing wrong with your interest in guys at your age. That is normal, as well as those who fall in love having a sexual relationship as well. Your interest in guys seems to be only those who were friends of your brother. Either, you developed a crush because you got to see them often enough to be able to decide if you liked them, or simply as it was the easiest way to be around a boy other than your twin. Now think what reason a person at your age needs to know real badly if someone likes them, ever liked them, or feels something in return. All of us do not know what to do, unless we had parents in love who were good examples for us. There just are not easy ways to learn like classes on the subject. So I don't fault you as I was the same when I married young at 20. He ended up verbally abusive the whole marriage until I left once kids were grown.
I use a trick that helps me understand some things better, its as simple as mentally placing yourself in the other persons shoes and imagining the who what when where and whys of that person. If you take your rejection and think of yourself as a guy doing the same, you will understand that rejection hurts no matter which sex you are. And due to one or a couple rejections, guys will end up too scared to approach another gal later because they don't want to experience rejection again. So being liked is big for guys too, no matter how macho they may act. I really believe that how one goes through the process of finding someone to date, will determine your success or failure. Here's what I have learned through going the path of hard life realizations. At one point, I made a list of qualities that the applicant for the position of BF must have. You are in fact your own HR dept checking to see if a guy is the right one for the position. In this way of thinking, you have placed yourself in the lead, you are not waiting around for some guy to notice you or ask you out. A random guy asking me out, I would put on the same level as a drunk or drug addict showing me attention, or even a dog or cat. Obviously, none of these are good options and you wouldn't take them seriously. A human being is very complex and we are all so very different in how we act, live, talk, believe, etc. Just as no one has the same fingerprint exactly. So when it comes to people, simply going out cus you asked or someone else asked, doesn't mean that the two are a perfect match for each other. We are going basically on looks and that attraction. But many guys who were serial killers, did not look like one, right? So make a list, and you go over it with the guy first time out. If you think thats too soon, I did it and not a single male had issues with it. Infact, guys are simple creatures, who don't want any hidden agenda's to pop up later, that they weren't informed about early on. Not one ever got up and left when I said that if they disagreed with what I shared about me and my needs and did not want a relationship with me after all, then he could just get up and say so and leave. When you act level headed, confident by taking the lead and stating what you will and won't tolerate, and give a guy permission to be truthful and open without you going into a tizzy fit or sobbing, a male will feel they can tell you anything and that's what you want, enough of the truth to be able to make your decision to check him out more by dating or to let him go cus he doesn't meet some of the must haves on your list. That is how the fairly honest ones will tell all right up front, like the guy who answered my ad and we met at a restaurant. Afterwards outside, he told me he was married and looking for a sex partner. It was nice to know right then than find out later. Although in the end, it seemed we didn't have enough in common.
I was also looking for a man who treated me like a best friend and we also were equals as far as sex partners. By this I mean not only things a person can like or not such as oral sex, bdsm, but what ones libido is. Some have a high one some have a low one. LOw ones do not need sex or want it often but a partner with higher libido will want it regularly, more often. That was me, wanting it and ex not wanting at all or on his own terms when he was rarely in the mood. THe ex did not treat me as a friend but an enemy. He treated his coworkers better than his own wife. I would never choose someone like that. He changed after I married him at 20, but warning signs were there, I just did not know what they were or what to look for. So start keeping a journal to look back over. Start with a list of must haves in a man. If a must have is missing, even just one, he is NOT a good match for you. Religion differences, opposites in politics, that can create big rifts in a relationship. But heres one that should be for sure on the must have list, he must want children if you want kids one day. That 'one day' might be spelled out first. My one day ended up being almost 7 years later that he was finally willing to have a kid. These are things that there is no compromising on, because one will be resentful or hurt. And there is no compromise on the one child because there is no such thing as half a child. Your second list is to be of wants. A want is not a need or must have. Where a lack of a must have is a deal breaker, lack of one of your wants, is not, or you have it on the wrong list. I wanted for example, a guy whose head was either totally shaved, or had long hair. I did not like the look of the ring of hair below a bald pate. I also hoped for a guy who liked to dance or sing. The man I met whom I married, has the long hair, but I was willing to let go the dancing and singing as he couldn't do either. It bothered him as a high functioning autistic whom no one would believe is such as he does not have the usual things that will bother him, He enjoys listening to music but adding singing or dancing then disrupts the listening for him and bothers him. Also if I stroke the same area too long without thinking, at one point, the touch goes from feeling good to him to hurting and painful and he will tell me and I stop. But all my must haves....he had. He had gained weight since, its 12 yrs together. I don't love the weight and he knows it and is trying to lose it but at the same time i don't like the fat, I love the man who is inside, how he still treats me good, compliments me, loves me unconditionally as I do him. This is what the end goal is. Finding a partner, a good one who will make a loving husband and a terrific future father. I know this is all stuff you didn't ask about, but I believe it is something you would have asked help with if you knew there was a smarter way to find a guy. Then you join singles groups where singles go for an activity like canoeing, or hiking with a singles group and meeting someone that way. You can't be shy and quiet if you want to find a guy. I was that in school and as a result did not seem interesting to 99% of the other students so my friends group was small, I could count them on one hand. It works the same in dating. If you are shy and quiet and don't make the first move to meet or even just say hi to stranger, then you'll need help first overcoming the fear to be the first to approach people, women, and sometimes men. If that is your problem too, let me know and I can share with you how I overcame that which will work for you and it's easy...plus I read a book decades later where a psychologist lists out the things to do to get over being that shy, and it was the same as I had done. Let me know if thats the case by writing to me from my column page only, just looking for dragonflymagic in search for columnists.

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About 2 years ago, my boyfriend at the time of four years broke up with me because I dropped out of nursing school and saw me as 'unstable'. He basically did me wrong and our breakup never had that closure. All of my friends and family knew what he did to me and they all think he's an asshole. Fast forward present day we both moved on and have new relationships. But a couple days ago, my cousin texted me and said that she saw him at a bar with him and his current gf. Apparently he was drunk and thought he saw me. And he also approached my cousin and kept grabbing her face and pushing her, asking if she hated him (I'm assuming because he knows that everyone close to me know what he did to me). Ever since we've broken up I've always wanted him to one day realize how much of a douche he was and understand how bad he had hurt me. Why do you think he kept asking for validation if my cousin hated him? Do you think he finally grew up and had an enlightenment?

One thing that is too easy for people to do, and I have done it too, is to try to live in our past. Even if you have no intention of getting back together with him, your constant mulling over what happened and wondering about him now is keeping you so busy you don't have time to live in the present. That could mean stressing your new relationship or worse. You don't have to say anything, the new BF will just be able to sense something is off.

Now we skip to the current day scenario. When a person drinks til drunk, that person loses inhibitions and will say and do things they might not when sober. So if he was drunk, lighting was darker and you and cousin have some similarities in looks, then it is possible he thought he saw you. First you say he probably thought he was talking to you and then you say he was asking if your cousin hates him? So what is it he hides when sober? Maybe he doesn't hide too well what he thinks when sober but liquer isn't the 'goody two shoes' drug that will make him instantly nicer. No, it brings out that which is deep inside a person. So if he was grabbing her face and pushing her, you really think that was enlightenment? To me it sounds like grounds for assault. Your cousin could have called cops on him and with witnesses, they would have hauled him off to jail. I would never confuse assault with enlightenment, the two are no where near each other and can't be mistaken. I know when I left an abusive relationship, I, yes me...had to go through counseling afterwards to be ready to move on in life. People who are treated badly in relationships, who stay with their abusive or extremely inconsiderate partner, will need to create their own coping mechanisms to make it through, day by day. These coping mechanisms have some mental aspect to them, mine was mentally screening him out when he was on a verbal tirade with me, and taking my mind elsewhere that I actually did not take in what he had said. Coping mechanisms like this are NOT conducive to living regular life, so did my therapist tell me. I can't help but wonder if there was something that affected you so that you no longer think and act as you did before ever meeting and getting dumped by ex. Actually, that was the best thing that could have happened, losing him, because there wasn't much good there to keep. I would suggest seeing a mental health Dr. NOt because I feel you have a mental illness, but like most normal people, we unknowingly sometimes think certain things to get through tough times that work for the situation but don't belong in place once it's over.

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My friend made a very offhand racist comment the other day that she totally didn't mean, and it was just like, something that slipped out of her mouth, but sort of betrayed her internalized prejudice. It wasn't a huge deal, but I was offended because she had made a racist comment towards my culture. On Saturday, we went out to dinner with our friend group, and I brought it up just to say hey, that was kind of racist and offended me since it was about my culture, so can you be a little more aware about your words. She took it badly, and got really defensive, and I told her I wasn't blaming her, it was just very shocking and offensive towards me even if it wasn't intentional. She eventually said that yeah, she understood, but proceeded to act eztremely passive aggressive towards me, like excluding me from pictures we took that night and making snide comments about anything I said throughout the night. Even one of my other friends picked up on it and found it off-putting. I don't really know how to act around her now, because while we were really close and did practically everything together, she was also the kind of friend that was a little insensitive about things and hard to go to for anything serious. Should I not have brought jt up at dinner? Maybe texted her about it instead of bringing it up face to face? What was the right thing to do?

It is not dramatic to bring this up. As Dr Stephanie pointed out, the issue lies with bringing this up while others were around to hear. You start with, I need to speak to you in private for a moment and then doing so as you both move out of ear shot of the others. You may not see the need why until you reverse situations and someone is needing to 'gently' point out something you did that is not right. Bosses do this wrong if not trained properly and calling someone out on something that they need to improve on in front of others. You would feel horribly embarrassed with everyone watching on, even though inwardly you realize they had a valid concern and you want to improve, you are at the same time upset or angry for how you were told, in public rather than in private. In private, this girl needed to hear these things and if it had been in private, she would say as she did, that she understood and that would have been that. Yet she proceeded to passively aggressively attack you. If she understood what she did was wrong, then why would she pick on you? It's certainly not because she's upset you said something to her, its the setting of where you told her something that she is upset at and so you owe her an apology as well. In answer to whether face to face is okay, yes it is because sending only a text can be seen as chickening out, not able to talk to her in person. I see a lot of people who write about something involving texts and misunderstanding them. Often we do not realize how much we read faces, body language and tone of voice along with spoken voices and you just can't get those with a text and an emoji is not going to do the job. Now that we've covered that, you say that this friend is sometimes insensitive about things. That is something she could learn to do better if she decides on her own that she struggles with it and needs to improve. No one can 'make' her change, only herself and her own want to. This means you can only point out in private that it bothers you how she did that but you still consider her a friend and your smile and hug will help keep her open towards you rather than shutting down as people tend to do when corrected in public. Being gently and caring in your heart makes all the difference in what you say. People don't realize it is like an animal sense they have, to be able to know if what is being said to them is genuine with love and care, or destructive, trying to make them feel bad.

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Today was very usual for me, I had 2 girls who barely talk to me ask to be my friend almost simultaneously. I accepted only one of the girls offer, and so my question lies with the other girl. The other girl whose offer I have not accepted is a cousin to someone who bullied me a couple of years ago, me, the girl, and her cousin all rode the same bus which is where the bullying mostly took place. So she of course bore witness to the bullying, while I do not remember if she ever partook in it or said anything to me I am still skeptical of her friendship request because not only is she related to my past bully but I have no clue if she has any other intentions besides becoming a genuine friend to me. She scarcely speaks to me and so her suddenly asking me if I would like to be friends is brow raising, she doesn’t seem like the girls who I’ve often sparked a friendship with in the past and I don’t know her personality too well to determine if she has a hidden agenda nor am I familiar with agreeing to become friends with someone without having to get to know them first . What exactly should I to do?

You gave us the answer when you said, I am familiar with agreeing to become friends with someone without having to get to know them first and so that is what you tell this person, that you have a personal policy of getting to know a person first before adding them as a friend. The truth always works for the best, because there is no worry remembering who you told what story you made up. Also, telling the truth will weed out the undesirable people from becoming your friend. If it is harder than just asking , they won't be interested in having to take the time to bully you if that is what you fear. Those who want to pick on someone will go for easy game, not someone whom they know is scrutinizing them every step of the way to prove friendship. Even if this person decides to pretend and show you a false persona, the good thing to remember is that person who pretends to be someone they are not, can't do so indefinitely because it takes a lot of personal power to keep a mask/false identity in place so eventually they will slip up as soon as they think they have you fooled. Its a matter of thinking you have accepted the friendship so their subconscious mind tells them its safe to revert back to their own selves now. Potential romantic partners will do the same so this is a good learning experience for you. Lastly, to help you do this, visualize this: You have a male cousin who goes to same school, and has been working with a gang to steal cars and got caught and is now in juvie jail. Then as soon as this happens, all your friends are dropping their friendship with you and no one wants to ask to become your friend because of your blood connection to your cousin. Its your cousin, not you who is the trouble seeker. You are the straight arrow, honor student or whatever you excell at but no one wants to get close with you thinking it will stain their reputation because of your cousin whom you were not all that close to in the first place. Now reverse to the current situation and imagine if truly blameless, how this person must feel, because you have just imagined yourself in the same position. As our courts would say, a person is not guilty until proven guilty. And now is as good a time to learn how to handle this as later.

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So, I'm asexual but my boyfriend is not. I've already told him about it, and we're both fine with it, but we haven't actually talked about the sex part of our relationship yet. I'm not interested in having sex at all, but I'm wondering what I can do instead in case if he still needs SOMETHING?

And also, how should I bring it up to him to talk about?

-Cas, 26

I have learned through life experiences that it worked better for me if when I met someone I initially liked, that right up front, not even the first date, just to start talking and share my rules and boundaries for a relationship. Of course it was a dating site for women interested in men. I made sure to be free about giving up any info the other person wanted and assured them no question would be out of lines or upset me. even for sex among heterosexuals, there are a variety of things one may like and others dont. I call that being sexually compatible. The only difference between between a close friendship and a romantic sexual relationship is there being such a chemistry felt on both sides. This is a very important fact he needs to know ASAP. For hetero's, such an example might be the woman is looking for a husband and wants kids but never mentions it to him. He grew up in a family of 8 kids and as oldest ended up doing a lot of the raising of the younger ones and is so tired of dealing with kids, tho siblings that he knows he does not want even one of his own. So they marry, she gets mad when he says no to trying for kids. And it is a subject where there is no middle ground or compromise because there is no such thing as being pregnant with half a child. Either you have one or none. So if it is an important issue such as sex, you must bring it up and there's no waiting for the perfect time to tell. Just next time together, say that you have something important you have to share and its about sex. Then share how you feel about it. He needs to know that it is okay with you if he gets his sexual needs taken care of elsewhere, but with you, it will only be a loving relationship without sex. I have in my life run across two people, who told me they had a romantic relationship, just no sex and they were hetero and middle aged. So this can occur, and must be addressed.

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How do I stop searching up someone’s username without blocking them?

Not sure I understand this. It sounds like you have social media accts. on line where people you do not know are asking to be friends. I don't blindly add or block. I bring up their page or site and try to find out what I can about them before I add. Sometimes people only add you because you are friends with a mutual friend of theirs and they want more members on their page. I do not block anyone unless it is clear to me they are doing some kind of scamming. As a female, when I get a FB request and the photo is of a military man supposedly looking for a woman to date, I check it out. The stupid ones allow their real friends to make comments and all the friends looked to be African, or having photos of their real selves in their photos, etc. Others, I hunt through to see what their favorite books, movies, singers and such are. Then I do a search online and find all have African names and photos. To be careful, I do not add them. Or they write a line that they are widowed and looking for love and have a child. The profile photo is always a military man with his child. If this is what you are doing, it is not only normal but an important step to take. If you are talking about something else, the best way to deal with anything like this is to see a mental health professional and get help. First, make sure you have the proper diagnosis that you are indeed OCD and then you can share experiences that you believe are being influenced by OCD and your Dr. can show you how to deal with it.

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