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I'M F---ING SICK OF BEING PUT IN THE MIDDLE OF MY PARENTS ARGUMENTS
Please excuse the hostile title of my question, but I am VERY angry right now. I want to warn you in advance that this writing might make me sound like a truly terrible person, but like I said, I'm extremely angry and fed up at the moment with my parents and my situation.
My parents have one of the worst marriages I've personally ever seen in my life. I don't understand why they ever got married in the first place or why they have stayed married for as long as they have. It's against our religion for them to get divorced, but there are many times that I feel like they, and the rest of our family, would be better off if they got separated or something. I don't think that's against their beliefs.
If I had to tell you everything wrong with their marriage, I'd be writing all night. There are numerous ways that my parents marriage sucks, but basically, they're distant, secretive, rude, verbally abusive, and vindictive. They spend entirely too much time apart, they leave each other out of things they do with their friends that they should do together, they keep secrets from each other, they call each other names that I've never called my worst enemy, and they do things just to make each other angry. Their marriage is constantly getting worse instead of better because when one of them gets angry at the other, instead of talking about it like normal people, they just get revenge on each other.
My parents scared me out of ever wanting to get married. I know they don't have a normal marriage and I know it's possible to get married and be extremely happy with your spouse, but even so, I just never could get up the guts to bite the bullet and commit my life to another person PERMANENTLY not knowing for certain what our marriage would look like one day. I am a Christian like my parents and if I did get married, I couldn't run to get divorced as quickly as some people do. I could get separated, but only if I was desperate and my husband and I would still be joined together legally. Also, the fact that I grew up watching my parents dysfunctional marriage and have never really, closely seen what a good marriage looks like kept me from having confidence in myself to know how to be a good wife and make a marriage work.
I always wanted a family, but when I kept chickening out of marriage, I decided just to have kids on my own using both IVF and adoption. I now have a large family that I'm raising by myself and I'm extremely happy with my life choices most of the time. But on occasion, I do feel sad that I don't have a husband and my kids don't have a dad. They have father figures, but not a legit dad in their lives. I feel bad about that, especially for the boys, but what can I do now? Who wants to marry a single mother raised in a dysfunctional family who doesn't even know what a healthy marriage looks like. Even if someone did, there's not a counselor in the world that could assuage my fears about marriage.
The reason I came here is that my parents are constantly putting me in the middle of their arguments and I get SICK OF IT!!! It's not FAIR!!! They get mad at each other for things I have nothing to do with and they make me take sides, help get revenge on each other, and bad mouth each other to other people. It SUCKS!!!
While I deeply love both of my parents, despite their flaws, and have a very close relationship with my Mother, my relationship with my dad hasn't been good since I was twelve. We've been very distant and we both hate that. We try to work on it, but every time we seem to be getting closer, something happens and our relationship goes straight to hell again.
So over the past six or seven months, my parents have been working on remodeling their house. The first thing they did was remodel the bathroom my sister and I used to share. They took out that bathtub that used to be in it and put in a shower in it's place. I use that shower when I can because it's by far the nicest and one of the most spacious showers I've ever used.
Two weeks ago tomorrow, I was using that shower and when I opened one of the two glass sliding doors, said door fell and shattered. It apparently wasn't put on right. Both of my hands were badly cut up. I had a cut in my finger on my right hand that went all the way down to the bone and the glass took two big chunks of skin out of my left hand that required stitches. I had a cut on my foot and one my left arm that was DIRECTLY OVER all of the veins and arteries in that arm that can kill you if you cut them open. The whole thing scared me to death. I was very sore for over a week and although I've been feeling better and healing fast, I temporarily lost some of the feeling in the finger that was cut all the way down to the bone and I fear I might be anemic from the blood loss. That probably sounds a little dramatic, but I lost a lot of blood, more than you'd think, and I was also on my menstrual cycle at the time. I've been having symptoms of anemia since then.
I was afraid my dad was going to be angry about what happened. I was scared he was gonna scold me and make me buy a new door. I was a little scared that he would even ban me from his and my mom's house. Instead, he was nothing but worried and sympathetic towards me. He wanted to look at my hands and arm, he asked me how bad the whole thing scared me, he gave me a couple very big hugs. He couldn't have cared less about the door. It was the closest I'd felt to him in a long time. It was one of the rare moments when my dad shows me how much I mean to him and it meant a lot to me.
We've been tight since then, but tonight, my mom almost screwed the all of that up. You see, on Saturday, I wanted to take my kids to see the new Beauty and the Beast movie and my mom said that she'd like to come. I found out that she told a lie to keep my dad from knowing where we were going out of fear that he'd come along if he knew. My dad has since found out where we went and that we'd left him out of something he'd have probably enjoyed and I feel bad about that. I didn't know my mom was going to lie to him like that. I should've invited him myself, but I didn't realize how much he'd have wanted to come. I didn't think he'd like the movie. Even as an adult, I loved it, but it is still a kids' movie and a musical, so I assumed my dad wouldn't want to come, but apparently he would and now I feel like sh!t.
That incident with the shower door happened two weeks ago and today was the third time that my dad had promised to go to the closest home depot an hour away and get a new shower door. He didn't do so and my mom wanted me to confront him and be a b!tch to him thinking that he'd get it done faster if I did. Thing is, my dad and I have been getting along great lately and after the whole thing with the movie, I was scared that he already wasn't happy with me. If I went and was an @as hole to him about the shower door, then he might explode on me and our whole relationship would go south again. Especially since I was the one who broke the door.
I went to politely ask him about the door, but when he was really sweet to me and we talked for a minute, leading me to realize that he wasn't angry with me, I lost my nerve to say anything that could anger him. My mom kept pushing me though so eventually I mentioned it to him, but it didn't help much. He was perfectly sweet about it, but didn't sound like he had gone to indeed home depot and I failed to light a fire under him like my mom wanted me to. This is not a good example of one of my parents putting me in the middle of an argument, but it's what prompted me to come here.
My mom is furious with me for not standing up to my dad and telling him off about the door like she wanted me to. She brought up the times I have stood up to my dad when it was for myself and accused me of not caring enough to do it for her. I explained to her that the rare times I've had the backbone to stand up to my dad, it was because he provoked me to do so, but he didn't provoke me today. I also explained that even if I had more of a backbone, my dad didn't deserve to be berated for the door today. Yes, he should've gotten it like he promised my mom, but he had a pretty busy day and I don't understand why it's such a big deal anyway. There's another shower and a bathtub in the house. My mom does like to use the new shower, but not often it's not like it's the only place in the house to bathe.
This is what I'm sick of. My choices tonight were to either be a jerk to my dad and ruin how well we've been getting along lately or to not be a jerk to my dad and make my mom mad at me. My parents do this to me all the time. They put me in the middle and make it so I can't possibly get out of the situation without making at least one of the mad at me. My mom acknowledges that she puts me in this position. She says flat out that I have to choose between her being mad or my dad being mad at me. I've tried to tell them that I'm not getting in the middle of anything, but that tends to make BOTH of them mad me.
It's really not fair because I have done nothing to get myself in these situations. I didn't cause my parents to have such a disaster of a marriage, I don't cause their arguments, I don't cause myself to be put in the middle of their arguments. I have no options. It's either p!ss my mom off or p!ss my dad off. Their are no other options.
The only other thing I can think of that I could do is to stop being around my parents, but that is not an option. I love both of my parents very much and could never alienate them from my life.
Super sorry this has been such a long writing, but I just wanted you to know everything you might need to know about the situation. Does anyone have any advice?
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So.....this is exactly what I went through with my parents and I have to say I keep them at a distance because some people do never really change their old ways. You as an adult and as there daughter need to just find a way to keep a bond with them individually and together as a family outing . It's mentally stressful and you have a family of your own and they need functioning grandparents and sometimes in life when things don't work out the way you want you need to find alternatives of how you're are going to be happy wether it's with them or not it is not healthy to be in the middle and I believe you need a break .
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Indeed a long question. And a situation that has been long in terms of years too. Interesting that you love them despite their faults? Can't imagine cutting them out of your life? Perhaps cannot really imagine life at all without them around? That's despite the fact that their volatile relationship has impacted on you negatively. All I can suggest is that there is a similar dynamic between your parents themselves. Argue like cat-and-dog. Bickering, slanging-matches, vindictive and willing to play you as a card to suit their ends. But maybe cannot even think about life without each other? Kind of 'stuck' with each other? Such relationships do exist. I should say that you have to accept their volatile and in the traditional/ideal sense, dysfunctional relationship if you want to stay around. The door issue seems to have provided a particular focus right now? I'm sure there have been other events you could think of where a similar choice of loyalties was called on from you? And that they passed, without really changing anything for any of you? This one will most likely do the same, as neither are likely to relinquish you permanently as amunition for the 'favourites' game. Don't let it put you off relationships and/or marriage permanently. For the simple reason that you are not your parents. How you handle all relationships is your choice. Regarding their relationship, are you at all familiar with Samuel Beckett's 'Waiting for Godot'? A remarkable study of this aspect of human nature, one of the most penetrating you'll ever come across. If you aren't, take a look. The phrase "Can't live with them, can't live without them" is one people commonly use, and it's deeper than it may appear at face value. Personally, I feel it's written large in the narrative of you parents, and also in your own. Notice how your father reacted when you disclosed that the door-event could have been the end of your days.
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Im so sorry you are going through this.
I agree its best not to get in the middle. Its seems as though you have mentioned this to them but they are not listening to you.
The next time something happens and they try to involve you nicely mention that you dont want to be in the middle because you love them both and you wish that they would just try to get along better for the family.
They may not get it at first and yes they may both get upset at you but what do you have to loose? This happens anyway.
Continue to do this nicely and stating how you feel. Not so much about being angry but being hurt and exhausted by the situation. Remember to keep your cool. Its more effective to show how hurt you are and how much you love them both vs being pissed off.
I feel that after doing this consistently you will see a change.
It may take several attempts but dont give up!!
While you are doing this also work on your relationship with your mom and dad separately.
Eventually you should be in the clear so to speak but expect it to take some time and expect some bumps in the road.
Once you feel a little more confident you may want to try having a talk with both of them.
It may help them a little.
Maybe you can suggest some ways for them to get along better since they dont believe in divorce. If they want to be "room mates" there is a way to do that with out having so much chaos.
I would ask them arent you tired of all the fighting?
Just a suggestion but definitely work on the other part first.
I hope some of my suggestions help!
wishing you all the best and sending lots of love to you and your family!
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Take some time off .
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Dear Ms Angry:
I agree with you entirely and I don't blame you for the way that you feel. A woman raising a family alone, should have the full support of her family.
However, this is not the case here. Your parents need space to find a solution to the problems in their marriage. It's clear that you are unable to help them right now.
My advice to you is to do whatever's necessary to find your own space, no matter how humble, for you and the kids, where you can be alone and free from conflict.
I'm sure that everyone will feel much better and everything will be much better, with just a little time to heal. Be brave and don't lose faith.
Sincerely, Grandfather.
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First of all, don't give argument such a bad name: Your parents quarrel. Second, you piss me off with your faith and your beliefs, in all disregard for all that is right under your nose. Believe what you see and what you know. Don't make enemies with your own intelligence. Then give yourself a break: One good parent may be better than two bad ones. And single moms cam be hot! You can meet men and forge relationships, and let any question of marriage arise in its own need and due course. Or you can reach out to men who are explicitly marriage minded.
And take care of your anemia.
My advice, there is no need to choose between asserting yourself and being manipulative. It is possible to do both at once. Surprise your folks: Take care of the shower door yourself, and put a gift ribbon on it. In your purse, keep a cut onion in a baggie, in order to weep on cue next time you feel pressured.
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Hi hon, I do understand what you say about divorce being against their religion. I come from a church life and was unhappily married 30 yrs to a man who was verbally abusive, and at the very end began shoving and pushing me. Early on, I believed what church leader ship stressed, that divorce is not an option. I watched couples in church divorce and in one case, swap partners and remarry. All of these people left the church because they were ostracized, or call it shunned or rejected from the church, even though if Jesus were there in person form, he'd be the only one loving and accepting of these people. So I suffered in marriage. The stress of how I was treated affected me physcially. I had all sorts of stress related illnesses. In the end, God spoke to me and told me I had a choice, to continue to stay with him and die within 4 years due to the stress from heart attack, or to leave before then. I wanted to be around to see my daughters marry and for grandchildren. God explained that Marriage is not until death do you part because partners in a marriage who stop loving, honoring and cherishing each other and treating each other like trash have broken their vows a long time ago. In my case, I had been honoring mine but the husband had not honored his vows to me. In Gods eyes, that canceled the marriage. It was a cancelled marriage long before I came around to believing it. I kept being told to trust God to heal my marriage.
When I threw that at God, He explained that in all cases, he can not 'heal a marriage' because if any one person is exercising the 'free will' God gave them, He would have to take away their free will to force them to change into a loving person when in fact they were not. That is not how God operates. I want you to know this not only to understand that your parents marriage was over a long time ago and what they believe causes them to live a false sham of a marriage, for what reason, i don't know, maybe afraid of any personal change for the better? Humans do not really feel comfortable with any kind of change. In that we are much like the Hobbits in the book who just want their Hobbit hole and nothing else. I agree with adviceman that you need to say what he posted.
It sounded like you and your adopted kids are living with them. The only way to not be so miserable,if you find you can't stand up to them and keep neutral, would be to find a place of your own where you are now out of reach. They would have to call you or come knocking at your door. It is not a dishonorable way to treat the parents by standing up for yourself, especially if they are not treating you in God like manner. So in a call, if complaints start, you talk over the parent and state, if you called only to complain, I have told you I am neutral now and I do not want to hear about this, try praying to God and figuring it out yourself. If you don't stop, I'll be forced to hang up. If they don't stop. Hang up. If they call again, the first thing you say is, since you are unable to honor my wishes, I am forced now to change my phone number and will not be giving the new one to you....ever. If they come to your door, you let them know they are welcome only if the visit can be pleasant. The moment they mention their marriage, issues in the home or try to get you to take sides, that you will ask them to leave and if they do not, then you will call police to have them forcibly removed. I know this sounds like an odd way to talk to parents, but your parents are acting more like bratty, non christian children, than mentally healthy God loving and God following adults. If you are not convinced yet that it is okay to stand up to them and state your boundaries and limits, even if you choose to stay there, then here this: Another thing God told me about my situation is that the reason I had this life of being married to an abusive man, even told I prayed to God about marrying him and God did say okay, was for the reason that I needed to learn to love myself enough to remove myself from situations in life that were bad for me. If it wasn't him, it would have been another guy who may have been even worse. It took 30 years to leave him as I was believing that,'til death do us part' and God would heal the marriage until God finally told me otherwise. I had always believed that I loved myself so it was a shock to hear God tell me that I didn't, at least not 100% which is the goal. I did for the most part. But as you know, that doesn't count in many things, you can't be partway pregnant, or half way a Christian for example. I finally understood what God was telling me, that He loved me enough to want to see me learn to love myself because the verse about loving your neighbor as yourself, is not about learning to love your neighbor first, and loving yourself as an after thought, but that I had to truly love myself enough to put an end to how I was being treated. I did not hate the man, I was actually thankful that it was him who helped provide the pressure and misery that helped me to grow more like God as it could have been a man who also beat me and all the kids. So was I scared to move on and finally find a mate later in life? NO, because I think my mind was seeing this clearly now and I was loving myself, I had no fear that anyone in the future could pull the wool over my eyes. I'd be able to spot the wolves in sheeps clothing as soon as I met them. Or by the 2nd 3rd date as it went. I also realized that since I had learned my lesson successfully to love myself, that God had no reason for me to ever be with people who treated me this way so I would not be forced to have to put up with it ever again. Then God asked me to write a list of what qualities I wanted in a guy, the must haves/deal breakers if not present, and the fun but not necessary things that I had a preferance for like knowing I liked guys with longer hair, because He wanted me to see that He could bring that person to me. And bring him, God did. The man I met and married didn't live in my state. He got divorced and the teen daughter didn't want to stay with Mom cus mom had lots of issues. So he decided he wanted somewhere reported to be more his ideal climate and traveled to the west coast, settling in a city just 45 min north of me. He'd only been there a year or two before he found me on a dating site and wrote to me. What I am saying is that once you learn what it is you are meant to learn, your lesson is over and won't need to be repeated. If I were you, I'd be asking God what it is you need to do, even if you don't hear exact words back as I do, he can answer by giving you a flood of peace to your heart and in your soul, or he may use another believer to deliver a word to you. You know, a person who doesnt know you well, comes up and says, I am supposed to tell you this but I don't know why, I hope it makes sense to you. Just as I was given the first husband I had for a reason, perhaps you were given the dysfunctional parents you have for a reason. Allow God to be a part of showing you the path to take from this point on, how you act, how you talk to the parents, setting your boundaries, giving ultimatums from a kind and loving heart,, not with anger (as you realize they are in your life to bring about change for the better in you, even if they themselves do not change for the better until perhaps their death bed) and gaining the back bone to stand with your boundaries and ultimatums. I hope this brings some clarity to your situation and that what I've shared, long as it is, gives you lots to think about as to what needs to happen. Blessings to you. And I'd like to hear back from you someday to hear how its going. If you do, mention a bit of your story in a sentence to clue me in as to which person it was I answered.
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The best thing to do in these situations is not to take sides. When either one comes to you and wants you to take their side in and or want you take up for something they want all; you need to say is. "I love you both dearly and when it comes to these problems I'm Switzerland, I'm neutral and I am no longer taking sides." "You will have to work it out for yourselves.
Why do they come only to you and not your sister? I don't have an answer as I don't know your sister but I would bet she has told them not to come to her with their problems.
A for marriage; I understand your reluctance saying this I also believe you should not judge your life based on your parents life. Yes you carry their genes but you are your own person and you denying yourself a great deal of happiness with the right person. This is 45 years of marriage speaking from someone who came from a dysfunctional home very similar to yours. Yes we have had our rough spots all marriages do but we worked through them.
I will suggest two things; first I do believe a good psychologist can help you. You have only seen marriage in one perspective. A good psychologist can help you see things in a proper perspective.
Second there are men out there who will take on an instant family for many different reasons. They are not all that hard to find if you know where to look. I suggest you go on some dating websites like Match.com. Fill out the profile on yourself. I suggest you have a friend with you when you do this as we all tend to be a little hard on ourselves. A friend will help you soften it to the true you.
I'm not saying you should or need to marry. I'm saying you should at least look for a mate before you decide marriage is not for you. For as I said before you are not your parents just as I am not my father and never will be.
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