|
Family Problems
I’ve been having issues with my parents lately. I have a different problem for each of them. I guess this is a two-part question.
In order to fully understand my situation, I think a little background information is required . . .
My parents met one another while they were in highschool. They started dating soon after and eventually my mother ended up pregnant with me at the age of seventeen. It was completely unexpected and unplanned - I was a ‘surprise’, if you will. At the time, my grandmother was a very traditional woman. The idea of premarital children just didn’t sit well with her. She managed to convince my parents that marriage was their only option. They married three months after I was born.
Because my father came from a wealthier family, he graduated from highschool and was able to attend university. My mother, on the other hand, dropped out of highschool four months before her graduation so she could get a full-time job in order to support me and father while he was in school.
It’s not really a surprise that my parents are divorced now, they have been since I was five. But that’s not the issue. I live with my mother and stepfather now and she often talks about how she wishes she hadn’t been so careless when she was younger. She’s always warning me not to ‘throw away’ my youth like she did.
I know she doesn’t mean it, but sometimes I feel as though she resents me. I can’t help but think about how much better her life could have been had she not had me at such a young age. I know this is all in the past, and what’s happened cannot be changed but I would just like to know how I can get past this feeling of “I ruined my mother’s life”. I'd like to be able to stop feeling like a mistake.
Any and all advice is welcome =]
And that’s just my mother. . .
Now for part two - my father.
Like I mentioned before, my parents got married and then divorced at a fairly young age. I live with my mother so I only see my father once a month, if that. I wouldn’t exactly say we’re close . . .
Anyways, a few days ago, my mother told me a story about my father that really disturbed me. She told me that three days before their wedding, at his bachelor party, my dad had cheated on her. And even though she knew about it, she still married him. I was completely shocked when I heard this. I can’t help but be angry at my father. He doesn’t know that I know about this yet, but I would really like to confront him about it. I’ve talked to my mom about it and she doesn’t want me to say anything to him. She suggested that I just let it go. However I know that I won’t be able to do that. To me, this isn’t something I can just forget about. I would like some sort explanation from my father, even though I know he wont have one for me.
I’m supposed to have dinner at his house Monday night and I plan on confronting him then. My only problem is that I don’t know how I should go about this.
Any suggestions or any advice whatsoever would be greatly appreciated =]
Sorry this is so long =/
[ ]
Want to answer more questions in the Relationships category?
Maybe give some free advice about: Families?
Whether your mother is resenting you or not. Whether your dad cheated on your mom and she still married him. Yes, it's all in the past. And you can't be held responsible for it. Those things happened as a result of their actions and choices that they made.
You on the other hand, shouldn't feel the way you feel now. Instead, why not learn from their mistakes and make sure you live a better life and make the right choices in YOUR LIFE.
I am sure if you concentrate on what you have planned for yourself, not only will you get the satisfaction of achieving something, your parents will be happy to see you succeed and put their past and look into YOUR PRESENT & FUTURE.
"Life is full of ups and down, we choose how we go through it"
"Nothing in life is easy, just take it one step at a time"
Good luck
]
i think ur mom just tyring to tell you not to throw away your life and not go to college because she loves you and doesnt want to see you go through what she did!! if she was resenting you she owuldnt care enough to tell you stuff!!
*you should tlak to her about it and tell her how you feel! that way you know for a fact on what she's trying to tell you*
and for your dad! i mean well i dont really no! but if you feel as if you should talk to him! then do that way you dont have a grudge against him
but yeah i hope i helped
]
Part 1
I don't think your mother is resenting you, she is probably frustrated at her lot in life and doesn't want you to make the same mistakes as her. She wants you to have the life and opportunities she never had, and by warning you like this, she is doing her best to give you every chance of learning from her mistakes. If she hadn't fallen for you, they may not even have got married, but it was their choice, even if it was under pressure, and nothing for you to feel bad about. She only has the experience of things going very wrong so has to base her reactions on this. We all do it, if you're unhappy with the way she is dealing with your growing maturity, talk to her, otherwise she won't know and will keep on doing it.
Part 2
It sounds as though your mother is projecting onto you her hurt and anger about what your father did as a young adult. Telling you may have been either another way of warning you of what could happen, or a way of trying to relieve the pain by passing it on. Either way, it is nothing to do with you, so don't take responsibility for it, don't make things difficult for you and your father by raking up the past. He probably felt really bad about it at the time (and may still)and would like it to stay in the past. It could also affect any joint decisions they have to make about you in the future. Think on to your wedding, do you really want warring parents there?
Accept your parents for what they are, flawed people like the rest of us, who are trying to do their best for you with the experiences they have had to guide them.
Good luck.
]
I am so sorry that you are feeling bad. Sometimes it's hard to get past the pain that parents unknowingly cause, but with a little work it can be done. An unplanned pregnancy is not the same as an unwanted pregnancy, and no child is ever a mistake. We are all here for a reason.
The mistakes that were made are owned by your parents and have nothing to do with you. You didn't ask to be conceived, or had no say in the matter.
Your Mom could have made other choices and her life would have been different, but not necessarily better. So while we can all wonder about the past, there is no way of knowing what would have happened if it didn't happen.
I honestly don't know what purpose it served that your Mom told you about your Dad cheating. Sounds like your Mom is projecting her hurt onto you. Don't buy into it, "guilt" has ruined many people, and Mothers have a way of making kids feel guilty! That issue is theirs to deal with and is no reflection on their love for you.
I honestly think in order to let go of these resentments "feeling like you've ruined your Mother's life" and "feeling angry because your father cheated" you must forgive them. I believe if in your heart you can feel "They are not perfect but I love them anyway" Your life will start to take a new direction.
Check out this article:
[Link](Mouse over link to see full location)
]
I understand what your mother is trying to tell you. I had my first child and married about the same time she did. I'm still married but I know that's rare. I told my kids the same thing. I don't for a minute regret having them, but I sure don't want them going through the same things I did. Life is rough enough, starting out without anything is tougher. You miss out on so many things. Your mom just wants you to have a life of something besides changing diapers and worrying about where you next meal is coming from! So don't feel you've ruined your mothers life. That isn't at all what she is trying to tell you.
As for confronting your dad. Not a good idea. For one thing...and take no offense...its none of your business. Had nothing at all to do with you. That was something between him and your mom. She forgave him for it at the time, its over. You have to remember that he was a kid looking at a lifetime commitment. He probably had friends egging him on. That isn't an excuse by any means but it happens. Don't make it a problem between you and him because it is long forgotten, or should be. :)
]
Well part one of your question is simple. When you were born. You were born for a reason. See you might not be a religious person I don’t really no but I am. And I always thought I was kind of a mistake to. But I realized that I have helped people in the past. And if you have ever helped someone than you no that you and that person feel good after word. Well we were all born for a reason. And without you that one person that you helped would of hurt longer. Your parents did not make a mistake by having you. They made a mistake telling you that you were there mistake.
Part two if were you I would plan it out write it down talk to him about how your mom was telling you something about the past and then bring it up make sure you tell him that you will always love him that will make it easier for him to tell. You
I want you to no that people do make mistakes but when it comes to childbirth there is never a mistake in that.
]
whoa.
ok, i don't know what you age is and i have never had the same problem as you. but if i was in a situation as you, i would try my best to become..well, the best. Try you best at school or a sport of an instrument, and try to make her proud. i know this sounds cheesy but this is obviously one way to do it.
another is help around the house, if she can't forgive you, she'll have to realize she can't resent her own daughter. her daughter who tries her best to help.
Also you could try and work harder and think how you can give her a nice life. that way when you become successful, you could help her right? that way you have a goal, so you'll feel more like you're not just a mistake you're a blessing.
but then there's one way. just ignore her. i know this doesn't seem like good advice, but you could just ignore her and move on with your life. but this solution isn't that great, but i'm just giving you choices.
And now your dad..
that shouldn't be too hard now that you're sure your going to confront him. you could start the conversation about school. and talk about how you have a friend, who has a boyfriend, that she knows is cheating on her, but she still goes out with him. ask him his opinion on something like that. you can be subtle and slowly build you way up.
or you could try another subtle method by talking about your mom, and ask how your mom and him met. ask if he ever cheated on her (because of some kids you know of course.)
OR you could confront him directly. say something like "DAD! i heard the most RIDICULOUS rumor. someone told me YOU cheated on mom right before the wedding! told you that was CRAZY" and if he asks you who told you, shrug and say just around. and if he pressures, say i don't remember after all it's been a while.
good luck
]
Well first off you should tell your mom how you feel about you feel like ur ruining her life. Which you certainly didn't ... (To be honest I think she's glad it all happened.)
And your father -- You might not want to say anything just because you two aren't exactly close and your Mom doesn't want you to. And if you do it's an obvious his first question will be how did you know about that? Even though he knows its your mother that told you. Or he might even deny it. But if you do decide to say something say "Dad .., uhmm I have been meaning to talk to you about something. I know your not going to want to talk about it, but it means a lot to me that you will and I'd like to talk about it privately." And He'll be like 'Sure'. Then begin by saying " This is really hard for me to talk about and I've known for awhile and now its hard for me to keep it in any longer...*pause a few seconds, take a deep breath, and look him in the eye all before you say this* Why did you cheat on mom? " Things might end up bad from there just so you know. Or he might just actually tell you. Send me a message if your confused at all.
xoxo melissa <3
]
I know exactly what you meant by feeling resented; I was an 'accident' in my parents' second year of university. I've always felt like I was a mistake, and like I ruined their lives, so I can sympathize!
YOU did not ruin your mother's life. Sex is a big responsibility, and it your mother is the one who is responsible for "throwing away her youth".
Try talking to your mother about your birth and infancy; I know I was surprised to find out that my parents were ecstatic to be having a child, even though I was unplanned and decidedly inconvenient. That really helped me put to rest any feelings of guilt.
About your father; I can understand how you would be upset by this. It's never an appropriate thing to cheat on your fiancee. Before you get too upset, however, think of it from his perspective. He was 17 or 18 years old, forced into marriage and family. I know a lot of guys who at 20 or 21 are still not able to make that sort of commitment. He likely felt a need to "sow his wild oats", as so many young men do, and only had a very small window of opportunity. I'm not saying that it's right, but you should try not to be too angry with him, as he was going through a very rough patch at the time.
Hope I helped a little...
]
Honey, you are not a mistake..This is sure.Your mother loves you and i think that this is why you are with her now and not with your father...I think that both mum and dad love you.You are their child..They created you, you were "created" when they used to love each other...Talk with your mother and explain her how you feel.Explain her that you would like her to feel that she can have her own life.And tell her that she can do whatever she wants to feel good.Tell her that you understand how difficult her life has been but you couldn't stop it.You didn't even exist then.
Now, about your father, this would be a huge mistake to tell him about what he did when others will be there.When you will have dinner be normal, like always...And when you 2 will be alone talk to him...Tell him that you know it and that you did not like what he did.
But before doing something understand that he was young.It was a party we do before marriage and it is used something like that to happen.Don't judge him before trying to understand him.He was a young man who would pass his whole life with a woman.The same woman.He didn't know that he would take a divorce...Everything was so quick for him..His life would change...Immediatly...This is especially for men awful...Right?Sweety, understand him..
And n my opinion your mother should not tell you what happened.This has happened before a lot of years...Why did she tell you that?Is it sure that she did not want to make you hate your own father?I am sorry telling something like that but this is my opinion, what my instinct tells me...
I really hope i helped you..Really...Kisses and if you want to ask me sth else,send me e-mail there:emily-smile@hotmail.com
]
More Questions: |