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army boy
im 19 yrs old, college sophomore, i met my ex "james" when i was a senior in high school. strangley enough my friend "pat" put my pic up on hot or not and "james" saw it and clicked meet me. come to find out he went to my high school and graduated a few years ahead of me. his brother was also one of my high school friends.
he was in the army when i met him, (this was in december of my high school year) he had been over seas for 2 years. we talked online and on the phone to eachother every chance we got and he came down on leave for his brothes grad party which i was invited to because his brother and i were friends.
we started hanging out and eventually dating. i broke up with him before i left for college because i didnt want to worry about having a bf and his school and mine were 2 hours apart. he told me he loved me but i broke up with him reguardless
he now has a gf "kerry". he started dating her 2 months after we broke up. apparently he used to date her before he left for iraq. they have been dating ever since.
well the reason i am writing is because after him and i broke it off we still continuted to talk and even hang out on occasion. he has been cheating on "kerry" with me for the past month and 1/2.
"james" tells me that he is probably going back overseas to fight in october. he told me that i should get over him because he isnt sure when or if he is going to come back. and i deserve a guy who is going to be there for me(he is sched for 2 years over there. i dont know what i should do. i dont know if he is still with "kerry" because he loves her or if its not the right time to break up with her or if he is going to break it off when he goes, if he loves me still i just dont know what to think. i need someone to look at the situation from another stand point and give me some advice, i am at a total loss.
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oh my, apparently I'm no longer getting emails when I get things in my inbox. I'm quite sorry I didn't answer this sooner. I will now, even though I know it's been so long you probably made a decision ages ago.
I would say that if james want's to be friends, go right ahead. But don't date him. I think in telling you to get over him because he might die in war, he's trying to break up with you gently. It's likely that he cares about you, but right now you are the "other woman", and it doesn't sound like that's where you want to be.
Everyone has different standards for relationships, and different ways of relating to people. A general rule of thumb is that if a man leaves someone for you, he's going to leave you for someone else. It doesn't always happen that way, but well, lets just say that no one is surprised when someone tells that story.
Be his friend, if you can still do that without "dating" him. Servicemen definitely need friends. Make sure you follow your conscience. If you find yourself feeling guilty, or getting paranoid about "kerry" finding out, or if it bugs you constantly, these are signs that the "dating" part of the relationship is stressing you - and something has to change.
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Well, my first concern about your relationship is probably the fact that he is "cheating" on his actual girlfriend with you. It seems like this should bother you, and you should be concerned about the feelings of the other girl. Not to branch off, but have you really talked to him about the fact that he's dating someone else? If not, then you definitely should.
If a guy thinks that he can get away with that kind of a betrayal, no matter who the girl is, he's got another thing coming to him. My opinion is that you shouldn't let this happen--if he really does love you, then he should tell this "Kerry" what's happening.
From my standpoint, it doesn't really seem that this guy loves you. If he loved you, he wouldn't be dating another woman, and if he breaks up with you, and doesn't break up with her... not to be blunt, but I think he probably doesn't have true feelings for you.
All in all--there are definitely better fish in the sea, don't date any guy unless he means it; and if he tries to date two at the same time, he obviously doesn't.
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I honestly think that hes at fault and hes trying to seem like hes being a nice guy by saying you deserve better to distract you from the fact that he has another gf and is doing things with you. I dont think you should continue to do things with him, because 1. if he has a girlfriend and hes able to cheat on her, if you two were ever to get into a relationship hes capable of doing the same thing twice. and 2. if he is with her, and doing things with you then he doesnt love you at all. 1 because he asked her out in the first place. and two because if he was in love with you he wouldnt want to be with anyone else. I think you need to move on as hard as it may seem and find soeone whos closer and wont do th ese things to you.
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Hey there,
Sounds to me like this guy doesn't know what he wants. And if somebody can't work out what they want for themselves, they will not be able to hold down a successful rrelationship. The fact that he's cheating on his current girlfriend makes him a bit of a meanie especially as he's going back overseas indefinately. I don't see a way that you can make it work with this guy. Not now anyway. When the time is right you may well get back together and have a reall chance but right now i can't see a future for you.
You need to get out and about, meet people and get over this guy. That's not to say never speak to him again but perhaps a little time and space would be a good idea before you try to continue on as friends.
I know how hard it is when you feel mixed up about things and don't know what to do.
Anyway, I hope I helped and if i can do anything else, just drop me a line.
Take it easy!
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If he's cheating on "kerry" with you for the past month and a half, who is to say he wouldn't do the same to you? From my standpoint it sounds like you're being used. He's taken advantage of you and if he was serious about having a relationship or in love with you he wouldn't care whether or not he's going back overseas, he'd still try to make the relationship work and/or break up with this other girl. It doesn't seem like he even wants to try.
If I was in your shoes I'd try to remain friends with the guy, but consider yourself single and able to date other people. You might try talking to him about it, but I wouldn't expect anything from it.
Sorry to be so harsh about it, but I can't stand guys that do that kind of stuff. If they do it once, they'll do it again and you don't deserve that kind of treatment. No one does.
Good luck to you.
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I think you deserve better than a man that can't make up his mind. If he truly loved you, he wouldn't be with "kerry" regardless of it being the right time or not. I would wonder about his ability to make a commitment since
1)He isn't with you even though he says he loves you and
2) He isn't being faithful to her.
The best thing you can do is find a guy that truly wants to be with you and is not using you for sex.
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My main concern with the whole thing is his relationship with Kerry. How sure are you that he hasn't been playing the both of you all along?
There is never a 'good' time to break up with anyone. If you love someone else you just do it plain and simple. The whole, I need to break up with you because I may never come back line has been used for awhile by guys wanting to get a little extra from a girl before they leave.
You do deserve a guy who will be there for you. I honestly don't think it is this one. I could be completely wrong. I am just offering some things for you to consider and think about. I hope they aren't true. I have a feeling you might have been wondering the same things. If in doubt, your instincts are usually pretty accurate. I think a long talk with him is needed, or maybe even a little chat with Kerry. :)
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I agree with TheOldOne. If he's telling you to get over him, he isn't serious. It sounds like he is using his potential time overseas as an excuse to completely call it off with you. Because if he really loved you with all of his heart, he would be asking you to wait for him. He also wouldn't be with another girl because there would be no other girl for him than you.
Plus, as mentioned by TOO, if he's a cheater, you don't need him. If he would cheat on her, he would cheat on you. Obviously cheating is no big deal to him.
You deserve better.
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(Wow, I was thinking of anwering this question before but I didn't think you'd even care ha, ha.) In my honest opinion. I think that he did really love you when you broke up with him before because by him saying that he loved you he was just trying to get you to change your mind about breaking up with him, and he was really hurt about it. So a couple of months later "Kerry" was sweet talking him and it made him feel important (most likely) and so they started to date. I think he still has strong feelings for you if he is willing to risk his relationship with "Kerry" for you, he sounds like a confused guy with a confused situation I think he needs some answers too. If he says you deserve a guy to be there for you and that you should get over him, I suppose you should do so because as he said to you he doesn't know when he may come back he was serious. If you can't get over him after those 2 years, I think you should wait til' he returns if he returns or try to find some way to contact him and say you love him and that you want to be with him and that you tried so hard getting over him but nothing will work. And I do think he will break it off with this "kerry" chick like when he leaves because he's going to be gone for 2 years not even knowing when he's really coming back so yeah I don't think you have to worry about her, but if he does stay with her then I think you could do better. I doubt it because if he cheated on her with you then I would say he doesn't think to -highly- of her. Hope I helped. Good luck and I hope you get what you want... Sorry if I didn't help but to be honest this is one of the most difficult questions I've gotten yet. I'm pretty sure I did help on some factors but hey it only leaves you to decide.
Buh Bye,
ShanN*
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Firstly, you haven't really clarified your feelings for him.
I can imagine dating someone who is posted abroad would be very hard and a big strain, and especially hard with someone who you don't entirely know what your relationship is with him.
You want a guy who will be there for you, but someone who is dating another girl at the same time as you isn't going to be the best guy for you.
Have you tried talking to him? It doesn't sound like he has cleared everything up with you, he needs to clarify his feelings for you. Ask him what he wants - you or Kerry?
I don't know if you love him, but I would lean towards cooling things off before he goes abroad. Possibly drop him a friendly letter or two while he is away and then wait until he comes back and see where he stands with Kerry and you, and see how that goes.
Please let me know how it goes and good luck!
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I am a fairly firm believe of "Once a cheater, always a cheater"
I dated a guy that cheated, and took him back, and firmly trusted him. Later, once we broke up, I found out that he had been cheating on me with multiple people throughout our entire relationship.
I also have a lot of guy friends. I have watched them cheat on their girlfriends for years. Their girlfriends continue to trust them even after finding out about one or two of the incidences. It just isn't right. If a guy, or girl, cheats, then he or she will most likely never be able to stop.
I would say that James is with Kerry because he thinks that he loves her, or he is afraid to break it off completely. (I say he "thinks" he loves her, because I don't believe that someone can love a person and then cheat on them)
Either way, you should not get yourself mixed up with him.
If James tells you that he loves you, I would not believe it. He may be sincere about it, but if he is, he is only lying to himself. I don't say this to be mean, but... honestly, if you really think about it, could you ever see yourself trusting him?
Ok, While I was going out with my past boyfriend, I always got a feeling that I had to keep my eyes on him to keep him from flirting or cheating. I never trusted him as much as I tried to tell myself I could trust him... That's what I call my "gut feeling" I can't really explain it, but I always new that I couldn't trust my ex.
If you think about it... Do you have this "gut feeling" about James? There must be something if you have to ask this question.
Ok, so, I've established that I think James does not love you, or her, and will most likely be doomed to always be a cheater if he doesn't get help, right?
Ok, so now, he has already told you that you should move on...
I would listen to him. It could be that him telling you that is his "nice" way of letting you down... (see, some people think that it's "nice" to lie, instead of the much more forward and much much less hurtful truth) By lying (if that's what it is) then he is not keeping you from any pain, he is only making it worse for you. He is only lying to make it easier on him.
"I only lied because I didn't want to hurt you" have you ever heard that one? yeah.. it's complete bullshit. Guys (or girls) lie in order to keep themselves out of trouble. I believe in honesty... it makes everything better in the long run...
Anyway, maybe I'm wrong and he really does want you to move on to help you out... Either way.. He doesn't think things will work out for the two of you while he is gone. If he is able to admit that, then you should listen to him.
Whether or not he has also told Kerry to forget about him while he goes is besides the point. If he hasn't told her that, then he is still lying to you, and you will never be able to trust him... If he has told her, then your still not able to REALLY trust that he has (because your still asking advice about it) and you will probable never be able to trust him.
I know what it's like to ahve a guy lie to you. You won't gain that trust back. You will always have the thought in the back of your head of "is he really telling the truth?" As much as you try to tell yourself you can trust him, you never truly will be able to.
Damn "gut feelings" always have to get in the way.
Anyway, it's a little rambled, but hope this helps you a bit.
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I hate to tell you this, but he's right. You SHOULD get over him. Because, among other things, he's cheating on his girlfriend.
It doesn't matter *why* he's still with "Kerry". The point is that he IS with her, and he's sleeping with you. I think you know that that's wrong.
There's no nice way to say it: if he'd cheat on one girlfriend, he'd cheat on another. You love him (I think), but you're honestly better off without him.
You're young. Your whole life is ahead of you. There are all sorts of possibilities, and you'll meet all sorts of men. I think you'll end up much happier if you say goodbye to "James" in your heart, and move on.
But beware of a rebound. For the next several months or more, you'll be at risk. It would be smart to try to take a break from dating for a while, just to give your heart a chance to heal.
Good luck!
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