trombonekatie's advice column

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Q: My course at university only allows me to take a certain number of credits (this is the same for all students, irrespective of how they do academically). There is this course I'd really like to do, but I've already got all the credits I'm allowed to take and there's nothing I can really drop. I like this course enough that I'm thinking of doing it despite the fact that I wouldn't be allowed to take the exam at the end and wouldn't get any creditpoints from it which would go towards my final graduating grade. Is this a stupid idea? I really can't see there being issues with me managing my time even with the additional load, as my current work load is really reasonable. On the other hand, I feel like I'd be wasting time doing an elective I'd get no credit for academically. It's by no means an easy course and it's not something that will be useful to me, it's just something I'm interested in. Is it worth taking on more just because it's interesting?

Well, this situation has befuddled me before, I must admit. This year, actually (for I am still but a lowly high school senior) I was faced with the startlingly painful decision of whether or not to take Physics again. I got a decent grade last year when I took it, but I didn't feel like I learned enough about the subject its self, and I wondered if I could raise my grade a little bit.

Although my situation is slightly different from yours, I think it's definitely still valid. I made the decision to take Physics again because it truly interested me, even though I will be recieving no credits for the course. It's a very admirable thing to take a class out of pure interest and not credit fufillment, and I do believe that it's a lot more satisfying that way.

Although I should be excersizing more reason in my answer--I'd say go for it. Have your fun while it lasts; and besides, who knows what could come of it?

Q: Ok my friends a girl but shes just a friend and she says that she is really fat but shes really not like shes really skinny. And she says shes on diets and stuff like that, how can i make sure that she wont like hurt herself or anythin bad?

My answer would be to just talk to this friend of yours. Tell her that you're worried about her, and of course a little boost of confidence will go a long way in most girls.

Seeing as I don't know the girl in question, I can't really say whether this is a serious situation, or the mere case of some compliment hunting, but if even you're not sure, I'd simply talk to her about it.

If at some point you find out that she is doing something to hurt herself, and has an eating disorder, or is using a bogus diet that lacks nutrition, I'd consult someone older about this. She might get mad at you, but if something of concern is happening, it's always the best idea to tell someone like a school counseler or a parent, and let them deal with the situation as it needs be.

Q: My mothers' doctor tells me anti-depressants (SSRI's like prozac) will reduced the effectiveness of the birth control pill. I'm not sure I can trust him, as he is very sexually conservative and doesn't beleive unmarried people should have sex. He always seems to be trying to scare me out of having sex. (I rather not go to him anymore, but there are very very few family doctors where I live.)

I know the normal issues and chances with the pill, but I can't seem to find any reasources online that deal with this specifically. Does anyone have any idea or personal experience?

(20/f)

Well, sorry to tell you this, but I've actually been told the same thing. As someone who is not sexually active, I can't tell you from experience--I haven't ever had a baby as a result of prozac, but I have been told by more than one doctor that sometimes certain drugs (such as anti-depressants) can counteraffect the pill.

Fortunately for you, it's not that much higher of a risk from what I have heard--and there are other effective means of protecting yourself, condoms being one of the best I can think of. There isn't a lot else you can do to protect yourself and there is always a chance that either might fail. I myself am a result of a .9% marin error in birth control.

Seeing as I'm not a full authority on this, I'd still see if I couldn't find another doctor; not neccisarily from the family practice to give you his or her thoughts. There may be side effects that the two drugs can create together that are undesireable that doesn't stop at uneffectiveness.

Q: im 19 yrs old, college sophomore, i met my ex "james" when i was a senior in high school. strangley enough my friend "pat" put my pic up on hot or not and "james" saw it and clicked meet me. come to find out he went to my high school and graduated a few years ahead of me. his brother was also one of my high school friends.

he was in the army when i met him, (this was in december of my high school year) he had been over seas for 2 years. we talked online and on the phone to eachother every chance we got and he came down on leave for his brothes grad party which i was invited to because his brother and i were friends.

we started hanging out and eventually dating. i broke up with him before i left for college because i didnt want to worry about having a bf and his school and mine were 2 hours apart. he told me he loved me but i broke up with him reguardless

he now has a gf "kerry". he started dating her 2 months after we broke up. apparently he used to date her before he left for iraq. they have been dating ever since.

well the reason i am writing is because after him and i broke it off we still continuted to talk and even hang out on occasion. he has been cheating on "kerry" with me for the past month and 1/2.

"james" tells me that he is probably going back overseas to fight in october. he told me that i should get over him because he isnt sure when or if he is going to come back. and i deserve a guy who is going to be there for me(he is sched for 2 years over there. i dont know what i should do. i dont know if he is still with "kerry" because he loves her or if its not the right time to break up with her or if he is going to break it off when he goes, if he loves me still i just dont know what to think. i need someone to look at the situation from another stand point and give me some advice, i am at a total loss.

Well, my first concern about your relationship is probably the fact that he is "cheating" on his actual girlfriend with you. It seems like this should bother you, and you should be concerned about the feelings of the other girl. Not to branch off, but have you really talked to him about the fact that he's dating someone else? If not, then you definitely should.

If a guy thinks that he can get away with that kind of a betrayal, no matter who the girl is, he's got another thing coming to him. My opinion is that you shouldn't let this happen--if he really does love you, then he should tell this "Kerry" what's happening.

From my standpoint, it doesn't really seem that this guy loves you. If he loved you, he wouldn't be dating another woman, and if he breaks up with you, and doesn't break up with her... not to be blunt, but I think he probably doesn't have true feelings for you.

All in all--there are definitely better fish in the sea, don't date any guy unless he means it; and if he tries to date two at the same time, he obviously doesn't.

Q: I'm the one who's boyfriend killed himself and it was basically my fault. Well, I've been getting help with that, I'm in counseling and I've been starting to go to school a little bit, but I only go like 2 days a week. I still go to his grave everyday and cry and just talk to him as if he was there. I also go to his house every wednesday and friday night to have dinner with his family, and we talk about things. Anyways..Last sunday on mothers day, my best friend killed herself. She had been suicidal and getting help for a while, and had tried to commit suicide 6 times before that..and I guess this time she succeeded. I really dont know what to do anymore. All this stuff is just wayy too much for me. I have no idea how I'm going to pass school, I just..dont know what to do... :(

First of all, I am so sorry that you're going through all of this. I wish I had more to say than this, but I know it's a very difficult thing--seeing friends die, especially when the cause was suicide.

Now, I don't know the circumstances, but I know that it wasn't entirely your fault that your boyfriend killed himself. He was the one that did the killing, so there had to have been a build-up of things that were wrong to drive him to that point. You are very brave, and very right to be visiting his parents. Being with others, especially those who were close to him is a very good idea at this point, and again, it is very brave of you to do so.

When it comes to school, I'm sure that your teachers will understand if you ask to do your work at home for a little while, considering what you're going through right now. Teachers generally have a lot of empathy and will work with you when it comes to this kind of situation.

My advice for you when it comes to how you're probably feeling right now is to talk to people--a counceler, a parent, a friend, someone you look up to, anyone. If you can't bring yourself to talk, you can also start a journal. Journals are a very good way of letting out your emotions when the going gets tough.

All in all, hang in there, things will get better. I give you my best of luck and love, and I hope you feel better eventually.

Q: There's this girl that me n my friends can't stand that hang out with us her names Kaytee! Well she was sitting with us at lunch one day, and my friend Lisa came over and sat with me and then left, and Kaytee then said, I was shaking because she was around, there was a rumor that Lisa was a lesbian, but she's my best friend, and I know her more then anyone and she ISN'T! Kaytee is totally against gay people, and all the people of whom I hang out with are don't mind if someone's gay! She assumes from rumors that people are lesbian and homosexual, and then pretends that she's scared of them. Without being totally mean to Kaytee, but getting it across that some people that she thinks aren't gay. What can I tell her?

I'd do more than just telling her the truth about your friend, I'd have a talk with her--first pointing out that your friend is not a lesbian, since you know that she's not, and secondly telling her that you're offended that she's being so narrow minded. You can't change her mind about how she thinks, but you can definitely make her think the way that she acts, and the things that she says through a little more.

If all else fails, and she keeps acting this way, you don't need to be friends with her. Tell her that you'd like to stop hanging out with her--it will hurt her feelings, but she seems to be hurting others more with her immature actions.

I hope I helped a little bit, and good luck talking to her.

Q: I have about 20 zits on my face, little ones, and i want to get rid of them because yesterday i only had like 15 and i see new ones like every morning. My question is, should i use proactive or the pill? I heard proactive works really good, but will it rid ALL my pimples? And i also heard that birth control works really good on acne too, also i have an irregular period so it should help on that too? How much of a change does birth control give on zits? Does it make them completely gone?? So, my question again, proactive or the pill? I have a really bad money problem so i cant buy both, and how much is the pill?
-thank you!!
*~*~*~JeSs~*~*~*~

Well, personally, I started using proactive when I was in the ninth grade and I've had excellent results with it. My face is totally clear most of the time--it doesn't take long for it to start working, either. Only one or two weeks.

However, proactive makes your skin very sensitive to the sun--especially if your skin is very fair. I'd suggest investing in some SPF 15 oil-free foundation or sunscreen as well to make sure you don't end up getting burnt.

Now the deal with birth control is that it doesn't have consistant results, and some people with health problems are advised not to use the pill. Depending on what type of birth control you'd like to start using, carefully read the label to make sure none of the warnings apply to you. As for what you said about it helping your period, I'm not totally sure, but I think it might lighten up your period.

Secondly, the pill might strike a little fear into the hearts of your parents, so I'd suggest telling them what your plans are with it before you go out and buy it. One of my friends accidently left the package from her birth control pills in a peice of my luggage when we went on a band trip once, and my mom found it and went crazy--and no one wants that.

All and all, good luck with your decision, and I hope I helped. :)

Q: I was just curious to know if it was wierd that Im in 8th grade and have never had a first kiss? Part of it is that I am too nervous but I just wanted to know...ThAnX I RaTe HiGh!! Maddie 15/f

Of course it's not weird! Lots of people don't even get their first kisses until High School, or even College, and it's completely normal. A lot of young girls assume that since their friends, or the people in movies or books and telivision seem to always get their first kisses at ten or twelve, that's when they should have their first kisses at that age too.

Well, it's not true. I didn't get my first kiss until last summer, and that was after my sophomore year in high school. You definitely don't have to push yourself to kiss some guy that you don't even like because you want your first kiss over with.

Just don't worry about it, and when it happens, you'll have a good memory--not a bad one.

Q: Ok well see my dad cheated on my mom, my dads a teacher at my school and he did a teacher from my school and my dad wont even take time to think about me and my two sisters, he keeps saying to my mom, he loves that lady, and we all hate her, and because of his foulishness I have to move 4 hours from my small town and I don't want to I find it supper hard having to move away leaving my friends and my dad here all alone I don't wanna move but I have to I really need help going through this I have to go see a counsler and a doctor because I'm so stress I'm making my self sick...iunno how but I go see my doctor almost every week....it sucks and I hate it I don't like being sick I just want everything to go away..can anyone help me??

I know this feeling well, and, well, it's not a very good feeling, is it? Feeling that you can't do anything. I'm very sorry that you have to be going through it.

My suggestion is that you first talk to your mother about what's happening. She might be able to help you a little bit, despite the fact that it's often really hard to talk to moms. Ask her if she'll let you go see a counseler or a psychologist for the stress.

Another suggestion is that you start doing things to help yourself. You may not know it, but you can help yourself with a lot of these issues. You can start a journal, which might be quite relieving--or you can get a new hobby. Little things like that, a sport, knitting, writing, playing an instrument are good for taking stress away. I've gone through hard times like this, and I find that when I just sit down and play my trombone or paint or run, the stress kind of melts away into what I am doing.

It may not help completely, but I guarantee that it will help a little if you find something you enjoy doing. I wish you luck, and I wish there were more I could say.

Q: Hey, you joined Advicenators!!! I just noticed that. Welcome fellow Spacefemite.

hey! thanks!

...wait...who is this?

Q: if a guy is 18...and im 15...doesnt that mean im "underage" for him or something like that? how does all that work? how old do i have to be until im not "underage"? and how am i "underage"? please just tell me how all this works....thanx :o)

Well, your question is very circumstantial--legally, yes you are "underage", because as an 18 year old, he is a legal adult, and as a 15 year old, you're still a minor. So, basically, yes, you are underage for this guy until you turn 18, yourself.

Aside from the legal issues presented--there are some moral issues. Are you at the same level of maturity to be in a relationship with this guy? If you can't honestly say that you are, you're probably too young for him. In most cases, 15 year olds and 18 year olds are a little too large of a teenage gap for you to honestly relate and maintain a healthy relationship--however, there are always some exceptions.

Basically, you just must ask yourself if you're too young for him or not.

Q: How do I talk to a guy that I like and now he recently knows I like him?? ... all because his sister blabbed it by accident. lol. i'm not mad at her at all, i actually think that this is good. (I just recently started talking to him casually too. I don't think he cares but I need to know what to do. I wanted to get to know him better!) Please I RATE High!!!!!!

First off, it's pretty sweet that you didn't have to go through the enourmously awkward task of telling this guy about how you feel yourself. I'm impressed that you're cool about him knowing. The first step is knowing.

Secondly, well, it's easier said than done, but as to how you should talk to him? Act naturally. Don't try to impress him with something your not, embarassment in these situations comes from the notion that you absolutely need to impress this guy--and you don't, so don't worry about it.

Also, when it comes to you liking him--which might be a difficult topic: don't eel around it, but don't try to bring it up after every sentence, either. If he asks, tell him the truth. And also, if you know how and are confident enough: flirt! It's quite simple once you get the hang of it.

All and all, though, my best advice remains that you be the wonderfully fantastic person that you always are, and from there a relationship may develop or it may not.

bio

I am lately known as the siberian headcheese of all meat bi-products, if life were the deli section of a supermarket.

Except not really.

I reside in a little house in extreme-northern california, and sometimes I come out and play the trombone. I am also seventeen. And a bookworm hockey playing extraordinare.

I suck at these things, really. So just take my word for it.