jenymca's advice column | jenymca's Advice About Friendship

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Q: Well, my best friend died exactly a year ago as of yesterday. I'm not sure if many of you are familiar with my question I posted last year about her death, but so you can hear the whole story here's the link: http://advicenators.com/qview.php?q=248637

I've had a hard time dealing with her death, mentally and physically and I've been really depressed. I still blame myself for her death every day because I still feel that if I were there it wouldn't have happened.

I really need help coping with it... I've tried to keep myself busy with fencing, my boyfriend, my friends and schoolwork.. But nothing really seems to keep my mind fully off of what happened.

This past week, when her anniversary came up was when I really started to get depressed. I've gone to therapy because of her death and also because of other problems and my therapist keeps telling me that it wasn't my fault and that I couldn't have prevented it from happening. But if you really think about it, I COULD saved her. She kept begging me to go to the party with her but I said no because I wanted to be with my boyfriend. I think that if I wasn't being so selfish in wanting to spend so much time with my boyfriend, then I WOULD have gone to the party. My ex boyfriend WOULDN'T have slipped X in her drink he WOULDN'T have raped her and she WOULDN'T be dead.

I talk to her family almost every day and they always tell me that it's not my fault... But I still feel like it is.

How can I stop feeling like this is my fault? And how can I finally get closure on her death?

Wow, first off, I'm really sorry for your best friends death, but another thing is you need to realize that this was not your fault.

What happened was totally unexpected. You had no way to foresee that she was going to die. She was in the wrong situation at the wrong time, and maybe in a sense, she had fulfilled her time on earth. Maybe there was nothing left for her here and God decided to take her. I cant really counsel you in this and try to convince you it isnt your fault, because I doubt a person over advicenators would be able to do that.

I recommend seeking spiritual guidance. If you arent religous, now is a time to seek God, and if you are, now is a time to become closer. Talk to a Pastory, Preacher, Bishop, Rabbi, whatever religion you are, just talk to the leader. Surprising enough THEY HAVE GOOD ANSWERS. When my Uncle died, my Pastor helped me through it very much (I felt extremely guilty when he died because the last time I saw him I hardly talked to him, I never said goodbye, I never told him I loved him (he had been paralyzed, it was terribly awkward) and I felt soo guilty for that) It's been two years and now I feel completely healed, but for months I was crying and depressed and just...lacking emotions. My Pastor and praying and attending religious services healed me (although I will never be fully healed). I wish you the BEST of luck, and I hope some day you will finally make peace with the past and fulfill your life in happiness.

Q: lately i have been extremely unhappy, between my friends not talking to me alot anymore and them ditching me, i sit home alot on weekends when all my friends go out and have fun, also theres thisguy i like but i think he only wants to hook up. im just simply unhappy, also i think i am fat and i want to loose weight, lately i have been turnign to alcohol when im home alone so i dont have to be in this world. im always so bored and i just want to get away. i want my friends, i want to go out and party like my friends do, i want a boyfriend, and i want to loose weight. is there something wrong with me.

Obviously, yes, because it appears you are an alcoholic. I suggest Alcoholics Anonymous meetings. You're other problems are normal teenager business.

Q: there is this girl that i've liked since 2nd grade and i like her even more.i am now in 9th grade and i think she is the one but i am afraid to ask her out because i am afraid she will say no. so what should i do?i am a male.

Ask her anyway! Aww, sweetie if you've liked her since 2nd grade...you dont want to waste any time. You only have this moment one second of your life. The worst she can do is say no, but then you can just wait and ask her out later. Its not like you guys are 7th graders anymore and she'll make fun of you or anything. Who knows, she may like you too, and you could be wasting *valuable* time! You're only gonna be this age once, so do all you can...believe me, you dont want to regret wasting any time...and if she is the one...then go for it!!
Plus, any girl is flattered when they get asked out.
I hope you go for it!!! Good luck, and...I hope she says yes!

Q: OK i have a friend. She is really nice and we met when we were really little. We used to be like the best of best friends. I moved to a schoo, in a diff city for 3 years and she stayed here. Now we moved back and we are still friends. We go to the same school, we in the same grade and we get along. So on somedays we couldn't be closer and everything is great, but the next day she is ignoring me like I hurt her feelings or something. She sits beside me in this one class and she'll turn away and talk to naother one of our friends and won't say a WORD to me. Then I'll ask her what's wrong and she will be like nothing. And continue with what she was doing. Today was one of those days.
WHAT DO I DO???

It sounds like you're friend got mean over the time period of three weeks. I say make some new friends and then she'll come crawling back to you and you'll be like "pssh, you iddnt want to talk to me in class the other day but now you do" but then be nice to her because its never nice to be mean!

Q: Ok well my best friend is really pretty and everyone loves to be around her. Alot of guys like her, its not even funny.
Well i would say i think im pretty but compared to her i dont feel pretty. It seems like everyone wants to be around her and not me.
I feel jealous all the time, and i hate it...i mean she is my best friend!!
What the heck is wrong with me and how do i stop feeling jealous??

I used to feel exactly the same as you did! These are some things that helped me lessen how I felt:
1.) Just remember, her life isnt perfect. You don't know what goes on in her mind...she could hate herself or something. You may be better off then her in the end.
2.) Look yourself in the mirror every day and tell yourself what you like about her better about yourself compared to her.
3.) Hang out with some other friends sometimes. That way you can feel like the "pretty" one once in awhile.
4.) Realize that its not just looks that matter. You could be cooler than her in other aspects that some guys might find attractive!

I wish you the best of luck with your predicament and I sincerely hope my advice helped!

Q: for the girls

do u think boys that have long hair are hotter than boys than short hair

Oy, tough one. Guys with shaggy hair...mmm yumm...BUT some guys just dont look right with it...and some guys let it go to crazy and then it just looks gross. So if you're hair grows out and looks good shaggy, then yumm but if you grow it out and your hair just dont flow like that...then EGAD!

Q: Omg help me someone please.. i am in 8th grade and there are these 2 girls in 9th grade that hate me.. they hate me because last year i put prep by one of their picture in the year book.. but i put kewl by her picture also.. i didnt mean "prep" in a bad way at all.. i mean even i a prep.. this girls friend i was never really close wit but now she hates me cuz i did that to her friend.. the girl who i called "prep" was my friend before.. not really good friend but friend.. i have tryed sayin sorry and tellin them i didnt mean it in a bad way but they still hate me.. what should i do!?!?

signed,

hated*

You've done basically all you can do. You've apologized but they've turned a blind ear. All you can do is continue saying sorry and hope one day they believe you. Apparently they take offense easy since Prep would only be offensive to really goth people I'd think. I'm sorry you lost a friend out of all of this and gained two enemies but if they were that mean anyway maybe you're better off without the girl.

Q: (13/f)
I was talking to this girl from my class on the phone today and I realized that she is pretty cool and I want to be friends with her. The thing is that she is not very popular and I'm afraid that if I start hanging out with her, my other friends won't want to hang with me and might diss me. Am I being shallow or stupid? And what should I do?

Just be friends with her. Maybe your other friends will realise she's pretty cool. Besides, it's just another friend you can add to your list of friends! And if you're friends don't like her, she doesn't have to be a friend you hang out with when you're with your friends. She can just be a friend that you hang out with during school.

Q: Ok, this summer my best friend and I had a fight and it ended out friendship. (it was a bitter ending, we havent spoken to eachother since) Anyways, everyday at school, she doesnt talk to me and her friend told me that she hated me. The thing is, I dont hate her back, and I wish she wouldnt hate me. I want her to know that I still care about her even though we aren't friends, and I want to see how she is doing. So I found her livejournal link and do you think i should leave a comment? What should I say?

Well then yes you should leave a comment. Maybe it will patch things up, and when you guys are both ready you'll already have cleared the way to becoming friends again.

Q: sorry its long, i'll rate 5's

hey you guys, i have a friend that doesnt like any of my other friends. After she meets them she just judges them and tell me all the negative things that she assumes of them. I am very picky about friends so of course none of the crap she says is true cause their all carefree FUN people. Shes the only one of my friends that is boring and dull. When i try to hang out with someone else she tags along and its really bothering me. I have other people to hang out with besides her, and obviously she doesnt cause she doesnt like anyone. I try to avoid her a lot but she still finds me. I can tell she is annoyed by me but still tried to hang out with me cause she has noone else. What can i do about that? i mean i cant talk to her about it cause im too nice.

If you don't want to be her friend anymore than the obvious thing would be to start generally ignoring her when you go places, or not bringing her along. You could get another one of your friends to talk to her maybe.

Q: My friend Jessica made the basket ball team. And lately she has been acting really mean and shes thinks she owns the whole school and it bugs me and she yells at me in the hole and stuff and I have tolder that shes acting mean but all she said was no I'm no but I really dont know what to do

Stop hanging out with her so much. If she asks why say 'you've been mean to me lately.' Maybe then she'll get the point.

Q: I have a friend. We've been bestfriends for 3 years now. Well lately, we haven't been talking to eachother. She found some new friends, as have I. But I mean, once in a while, we'll talk. But, she's become this total slut. Seriously. She'll makeout with any guy (no matter the age). Plus she cheats on her boyfriend. She also tells everyone that she's gotten drunk/high/fingered/given a blowjob/given a handjob/had sex. Which is so not ture! But everyone at school is thinking she's a whore. I know she doesn't do it. But I have a feeling that she might, someday. She's only 12. But, she does all these crazy things with boys. No one likes her anymore.

You need to have a talk with her. If she's your best friend I'm sure she'll listen. Tell her that her behavior is unacceptable for a 12 year old. Tell her she shouldnt make out with guys until she's older, and it should be her boyfriend, and only her boyfriend if she has a boyfriend. Tell her getting drunk/high is stupid choices for her future and are risking her life. Tell her getting fingered/given blowjobs/given handjobs/having sex is a great way to get STD's and pregnant. And if she doesnt listen to you and you geniunly care for her safety, go to her parents (or another trusted adult). They need to know she's saying these illegal things and that your afraid at this rate she might actually start this drugs and sex.

Q: One of my best friends used to have this "thing" with this guy. They seemed perfect for each other. But he stopped talking to her and pretty much dumped her, even though they weren't dating. She still has really strong feelings for him and I was there for her throughout the entire time. Now, I'm beginning to like this guy, and well he likes me too. My friend suspects something is up and I don't know what to do because I don't want to hurt her in any way. But I think I really like this guy, and he really seems into me too, but I know my friend would be devastated if I started dating him. Like I said I don't know what to do. She's one of my best friends and I don't want to lose her as a friend. Do I tell her that I like him or not? What do I do about this guy? Do I pursue a relationship or what? I really need some advice! Please help!

*Confused*

I think you should tell your friend you like him, but don't go out with the guy. Even if your friend says its ok, she's still hurting and she still likes him. So dont hurt her more. She's going through a really bad time right now.

Q: Well I have this friend. He is really nice and I can be honest with him about almost everything. The problem is there is this one thing I'm not sure I can be honest about.He thinks my other friend (one of my bestestest friends) likes him. I asked her if she really did and she said no. I know I have to tell him so he doesn't get hurt by asking her or something but I don't know how. Any tips on how to break it to him? Should I really tell him? I'll rate high. Unless youranswer doesn't help at all. If you don't have anything to say to help please don't answer. Thank you.

Ask around to some girls and see if they would consider going out with him. Then talk to your guy friend after you find one and say. "Hey, my friend actually doesnt like you. But (other girl) said she would consider going out with you! You should hang out with her more often!" Or something like that.

Q: I'm very overshadowed by my best friend. She's a very flirtatious, outgoing, redheaded vixen and everyone wants to be friends with her. Now, I don't mind it so much, I'm happy that she is well liked by people, but it's the fact that I seem to be getting less and less attention from her every time she meets somebody new. Especially guys. Every guy she meets has had a crush on her. (Except, thankfully, my CURRENT boyfriend...note that I said CURRENT..ex-boyfriends are another story) And often times she has crushes on them, but she still has to complain about them liking her. She seems to treat me like a child and she's the "All-knowing-one", especially when it comes to relationships, and it's really starting to piss me off! She steals my jokes and claims them as her own OFTEN and she says that I'm a bad friend because I once decided to stay with my boyfriend instead of going to hang out with her, while she has ditched me many a time to hang out with guys. (I can think of two instances from just last week.) I'm really bothered by her, yet I remain her friend and most of the time I really don't know why. And I want to talk to her about this, but I've tried before and she always apologizes and then forgets about it two days later.

And when it's just her and I things are fine! We have a great time and everyone's happy and once again I've become the comedian between the two of us, (material she later steals from me to use in front of her flirting victims), but when it comes to boys I'm completly ignored and she's off in the corner creating some sort of drama. It's weird for me, because before I befriended her I was always the center of attention among the group. I was the loud, funny, loving one who everyone wanted to give hugs because I would gladly dish them out. And now it seems like nobody has any time for me because they all want to be with her. Like she's taken all of my friends, but still claims that I'm her best one.

What should I do? I know the most logical thing would be to stop being friends with her, but we've been together for so long and we have most of our friends in common with each other, so there really would be no way to avoid hanging out with her.

Go make some new guy friends and hang out with other friends. Still hang out with her sometimes just not as much.

Q: hey..well okay here it is..

..last saturday i slept with my friends boyfriend while she was on a trip..she found out..hates me now and so do a bunch of other people and they wanna beat me up i guess..im going to a dance tonight at my old school cuz i switched schools at the beginning of the year and im really nervous..do you think theyd try something there??..or should i go and just have fun?!..i know i shouldnt care what other people say but when people talk about me it bugs me..so please hellllp:-/

♥

Well first off, you could have avoided the problem by not sleeping with your friends boyfriend...I mean you were friends so that was a pretty ignorant thing to do...but I suppose you should just go and have fun and dont be so paranoid that they are going to come out to get you.

bio

Hi, I'm Jen. I'm a 15 yr. old sophmore at my highschool. I'm just an all-around-average girl (okay, I'm not THAT average) I enjoy giving advice and asking it lol. I play the trombone in my school band and jazz lab, I sing in the chorus and in my church choir, I have a few friends but not a crapload...and I'm always there for my friends with advice! Sometimes its not always what they want to hear, but I always mean the best. So, ask me a question and I'd be glad to answer!
JEN!!