Imperfectionist's advice column | Imperfectionist's Advice About Friendship

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Q: So, this weekend just gone I had sex with a guy. Him and his girlfriend were split up at the time and he said they weren't getting back together so I didn't see much of a problem. But the next day he said they sorted things out but he didn't tell her about me and him.

I'm really not comfortable about this as I'm friends with alot of her friends so I'm gunna see her about alot and I hate keeping secrets and lying.
I've tried persuading him, but said I won't say a word until he says something to her 'cause she should really hear it from him not me or someone else. But this also means I can't talk to any of my friends about it, which sucks.
He won't tell her though as she has alot of family problems at the moment and doesn't think she'd be able to handle it and isn't sure what she'd do (guessing he means self harm etc).

Some sort of help would be great as I'm really not keen on this situation and can't chat to anyone! Thank you!

If he really wasn\'t with her when you two had sex he didn\'t cheat on her and he isn\'t obligated really to tell her nor are you because that means you are just inserting yourself into a dramatic situation. For all he knows his girlfriend could have been with someone else why they weren\'t together too. So I would just mind your business especially if it\'s going to contribute to issues to her mental health. And if any of your mutual friends are really your friends you should be able to talk to them (not saying you have to tell every single one of them just the ones you are very close with) without them telling her.

Q: Hello i am a 17 year old girl who is having a relationship crisis. I am really good friends with a girl who is one year older than me. We have been friend for quite a while now. I am very nice, loyal and trustworthy. I consider myself a people pleaser because I worry about other peoples happiness then me being happy my self. We are such good friends the we can literally predict on how we will react and what we will say. We care allot about each other that we will call ourselves sisters.

But a few months into our friendship She told me a small lie about her being friends with a spirit named Atem. Even though I did not buy it I told her I believed it just to be nice and for the sake of getting into an argument. I also began to see another side of her... I got to see her need and craving to constantly date someone. If she is single she will be depressed and very emotional. And since I am the phone with her all the time I end up hearing it. i began getting stressed and sad that i could not do anything to help her.

She than said that Atem her (her spirit friend)made a new friend named Nightmare, and she told me he loved me. She would talk to me about how much he loved me. I started to get the idea that she liked me, and began to like her a little.

Later on she made a Facebook and Gaiaonline for him. I ended up seeing him on the internet. I did not know what to think or do about him loving on me on the internet. I then started to have feelings for her. But at the same time i was confused, because she would tell me how much she hated bi/and les people. She would rant about it allot.

She began acting romantic towards me at her house. She would lick, pin and touch me (not in a very sexual way) she told me on the later that "Nightmare" was possessing her. She would do this every single time i visit her. I began to really like her.

I then started to get depressed. It started to hurt seeing her sad about not being with someone, and i am not able to help her. It hurt even worse when i watched her dating someone and hearing how much she loved him. I feel like i am not good enough for her, and it's very hard to hold in all my emotions so she wont know how i feel.

I sometimes consider just stop hanging out with her, but a part of me just cant let go of her because i am horrible at making friends and I don't think I will ever find a good friend like her. I really want to tell her i knew the spirit thing was all a lie and how i feel about her. But I am afraid that she will get mad at me or even worse, hate me.

Its all my fault for believing her little lie. I was just trying to be nice, and I get myself all into this mess. I get so depressed every day to the point were i want to cry and I sometimes wish that I could just sleep my whole life. I cant take it anymore. I am hurting so bad on the inside. I am tired of living a lie. :(

Well for one thing it sounds like your friend has some issues and uses those \"spirits\" as outlets to act on impulses or to tell things that she has buried inside. And even though she says she hates bi/les whatever a lot of homophobics are actually gay. or even bi curious. If you like her say something. See where it goes from there. But you should be careful because it\'s very obvious she has some issues she still needs to work on and when I say that could lead to a bad path, I mean that.

Q: so my really close friend was taking to my other friend and my other friend say "oh I have a lot of pimples" and my close friend said "u must have gotten them from rose" should I confront my close friend?

Hell yeah that's rude. that's your close friend, she shouldn't be making comments like that. Now i'm not saying go whoop her butt or start screaming at her. ask her why she said that and tell her how it made you feel.

Q: My sister hates me, has all my life. I'm a lady in my late 50's and she a couple years younger. We have lived different lives but I am as nice as I can be to her. Anyway, she is turning every friend I have against me. She even turns family from me if she can. I think she must lie about me. She tells my facebook friends things I done 10-20 years ago when I was young and single but dumb stuff, you know. I barely have a friend left. What in the world do I do. I'm on a chemo pill 4 times a week and have alot of health problems. I have nobody but my brother and she is working on him. I just don't get it. She is married to a husband with a good job, she doesn't have to work, has 3 grown up kids that are doing good and 3 grandkids. I live alone in a one bedroom apt in a big city with no family of my own. The major difference in us though is that I'm always happy. She broods all the time. I really wish she would look at all she has. I just don't get it.

What I'm going to say might differ from a lot of people but to me family don't mean sh*t. I grew up on my own. I had "family" and people who considered themselves friends but i've always stood alone and threw that I learned family will not always be there for you and it's okay to not like them even hate them because at the end of the day all they have is some matching particles of DNA.
You both are older women and the fact she still acts like this is a problem. She has issues. All the stuff you did was then, you grew up, you changed. she still stuck in that same kid mentality and will never be satisfied in life that way. Block her off facebook, tell her you're done. And talk to your friends tell them that's not you anymore if they are real friends, they'll stick around. And confront her. I don't care if you do it in front of the whole family call her out on her B.S. because life is short as you already know and there is no reason you should have to live with her trying to reck your life like she has been and since people want to think she is innocent in it why not blow up and let them all know NO SHE'S NOT! But at the end of the day... really all I want you to do is stick up for yourself. Don't take how she is treating you. She's too old for all that. And if you have to cut her off or feel like you should but think you shouldn't because she is "family", don't think like that.

Q: Coke head is being a little harsh. But one of my best friends jumped into a relationship a few weeks after ending a really long relationship. The guy was nice enough when I first met him and I'm happy if she's happy. Until I found out that he does coke "every now and then." It really disgusts me because I come from a family with three brothers who are drug addicts. (Luckily they don't do it anymore but still hate any kind of hard drug.)
He tells her that he won't do it anymore and she keeps saying she has no reason to not believe him yet. But I'm just worries about her. I know she's a big girl and can make up her own mind but it makes me have a dislike towards him, which may not be fair to him-but I'm only human and trying to process my feelings towards the situation. So I don't really ask her questions about him and when she brings him up I listen but don't really ask questions so I think she knows I'm not his number one fan. Which makes me sad cause she's my best friend and I feel as if we are creating a wedge in our friendship. They hang out literally everyday and night and she rarely has time to hang out anymore. I know this is life and being 22 means it's only gonna get worse as far as seeing friends go because everyone will get married as I age. I'm also in a long distance relationship so it's hard being far from him and feeling lonely at the same point sometimes.
I really just wish she was better about fitting me into her life still because I do miss her and care about her. At least in her old relationship she was good about making time for me and her girlfriends.

Honestly talk to her. tell her pretty much everything you just said...but don't call him a coke head. I have a history of addicts in my life and I totally understand the not being a fan of him or being a fan of those type of people. If she is your friend, she'll understand why you are a little iffy because you've seen what addiction can do to people and how addicts can effect everyone around them. With that being said try to be there for her anyway because you are her friend and it's the best thing you can do. Try to get to know him or at least on a civil level. Be there for her when she needs you and watch him to make sure he doesn't drag her down the path with him.

Q: When me and my girlfriend met we were both very slim and fit. We watched what we ate and were always at the gym. We also used to make fun of the fat people in our group of friends.

We have been living together for years now (since graduation) and the scale has risen and so have our thighs. I have got a big potbelly now, and her buttocks have gotten huge. I guess it's just overindulgence in the sweets (cakes and pies on dates, donuts with our feet up watching TV).

Bottom line, though, our friends from college (we all graduated 2 years ago and have been quite busy) invited us to wing night to reunite again (and it does sound fun). But, the last time they saw us we were wearing tight jeans, nice shoes on me, heels on her. Now, I wear sweatpants with socks and sandles, and my girlfriend wears stretch pants with slippers.

On top of that, they have all been dieting and spending time in the gym, so they all lost the weight.

So my question is: should we go to wing night, a night that involves eating messy food with your hands, when we both got fat? (even worse, we used to be the skinny couple that made fun of the fatties in the group), now I can barely button my pants, she complains that she can't see her slippers when she looks down, and we both are out of breath, grabbing our knees after we go up a few stairs.

I just dont want the people who know us as the "fitness elitists" to see us walk in slowly, breathing heavily. Not to mention, the sight of us sitting with a pile of wings, with sauce all over ourselves, eating with our hands.

I also feel bad for my girlfriend because one of our friends whose weight my girlfriend joked about a lot, will be there, and she too has lost it all. It doesn't seem fair that she should be able to watch her pig out on a sloppy meal.

So, should we go?

Actually I think you guys should go. You guys gaining weight, it's called Karma or getting a taste of your own medicine. It's the universe's payback for all those times you guys thought you had the right to not only judge people but ridicule them. You both need to think about how the way you act and think effect other people.
But you should go. If those people are your friends they won't care, they won't judge you but if your friends are anything like yourselves can't say they won't.
And that shows what kind of people YOU two are.
Pick better friends. Make better decisions. Open up your mind.

Q: So, there are two people at this point in life I would call my best friends. There's a guy, my age(19), who for all intents and purposes will be referred to as Bob, and a girl a year younger than us, who I'll call, oh, I don't know, Jasmine I guess.

We've all graduated high school and work in the area, and Bob and I hang out close to every day. Jasmine on the other hand doesn't get to hang out with us very often because we usually work opposite shifts. On the occasion that I do see Jasmine, it's usually in public and she always makes a very sneaky, yet high-energy and flirty entrance.

She'll always sneak up from behind and hug me tightly, or tickle just under my ribs, or something along those lines. She's always so happy to see me, sticks close and always has some kind of contact, and always has a smile on her face. Now, I understand this is how a lot of girls are with their friends, but she isn't. She - and I, too, actually - hate physical contact with practically everyone. She has literally - on several occasions - noticed me or my car somewhere and stopped in to surprise me.

This is how I know her to act when she's flirting. It's how she's acted with boyfriends in the past, and with her current boyfriend, only even more so with me. And I don't mind, except the fact that we're both in serious relationships.

If she wasn't living with a boyfriend and I hadn't been in the same relationship for 3 and a half years, I would love it. She's very attractive, completely adorable, and I've always felt a connection with her. Our personalities

But, because we've both been in relationships, I've done my best to remain sort of ambiguous about my interactions with her. I don't want to encourage anything, but I don't want to falsely act as though I'm not at all attracted to her.

So, what should I make of this and how should I handle it? Should I ignore it for now, or talk to her about it? Sorry for the long question.

Thanks in advance for any opinions!

As you said, you both are in relationships so before you even go down that path of talking to her do you feel talking about this could change your friendship is what you need to ask yourself? And what will you do if you find out she does have feelings or maybe even doesn't? These are things you do need to think about before even talking to her. Because if you know it's going to change your friendship and you don't want to be with her (because you're happy with who you're with) it's better to avoid the convo. Especially when she is with someone too. Because this is a complex situation I can't really give you advice only kind of guide you too. So think about the effects of talking to her about it and how you feel about her. Hopefully the decisions you make work out for you.

Q: I always read about girls getting crushes on their male teachers but I wonder if the same thing happened with boys and female teachers

Yes, of course.

Q: Whats a Good Friendship song for two girls that have been friends forever and one of them moved away

I'll be right here by Miley Cyrus. Not really a Miley Cyrus fan, but still a good song.

Q: I have a friend and we have been friends for a long time (like since we were in kindergarten). Well she is really nice and stuff but lately I feel like she's been talkin to my friends to much. First she started talkin to my other best friend and I was kwl wit it at first but then it got annoying. Then she stopped txting her so much and she exchanged numbers on instagram with my friend when I gave her a ShoutOut. Now she's talkin to on of my preschool guy friends that we had had a little misunderstanding with (lets just say I got dared to ask him out and he took it a "little" to seriously), and now she talking to him too. I told her that I didn't like how she does that but she never want to talk about our problems when ever we have one. I don't know what to do but I need to do something really soon.

I'm confused... what's the problem with your friend making other friends? I get the fact that they happen to be people you know but sometimes that happens. Have you ever been friends with someone she was friends with first? Did she bitch when you did? If not, you shouldn't be doing it to her. It's not being a good friend, and it's just plain old possessive.

Q: Okay. I have this friend. No, not a friend. A bitch. She takes advantage of me and then treats me as if I'm transparent. She was close to me last time but I realised that I was the one giving in to her all the time and she took the friendship for granted, so we became just friends. But she was mean. So once, my friend was chatting with me. At that time my friend was close to her. But I told her, "Maybe you shouldn't tell all your secrets to her. She might betray you when she gets angry. She did that to me."
Then my friend told her. WTF?! And then BOTH of them got angry at me because they said I BAD-MOUTHED HER. They started spreading rumours about me and stuff. I'm serious. She really did that to me before. I'm so upset because they blew this whole thing up and pushed all the blame to me. If she had not done that to me, I would never have said that to my friend. HELP!! What should I do? I'm not patching things up anymore because I've had enough!!!! :(

well technically it was bad mouthing her because you said something mean to a girl you considered a friend at the time to another time not in front of the friend. But you were being honest and trying to warn, so don't let it bother you because karma is a bitch and you can guarantee that girl will prove what you said right.

Q: So I'm in every 7th grade and i have this group of friends and in the morning of school we have 30 min. In the gym and we sit in the middle of the gym.
I had this friend (aaleah) in the6th grade and she sit with the press.her and i are still friends and my new friend (cypress) got in a fight with her in math. My new friend and i are really close like sisters. So she told me and aaleah said were all getto preppy bitches.
So i asked aaleah if that was true and she said no. Yet cypress said aaleah did say it.
I don't know who to believe.....help!!

i'm sorry but the way this was written, was too hard for me to actually understand the situation. Try rewriting it again and reposting.

Q: Okay, my friend doesnt like me like i like her but she always doing things for me like she bought me a guitar, gave me some money, and stuff. and like to hangout with me, we use to sit together at lunch and stuff, but when i ask her out she told me she doesnt like me like that...why do she do the thing she does and give me false signals, why is she so caring, but doesnt want to give me a chance.

You ask why is she so caring but she doesn't give you a chance? and it makes me ask if you ever had a REAL friend before. Friends are like family members except you aren't related so they care and love you just the same. this of course being real friends. so maybe why she is so nice is because she does care but just not that way.

Q: We're both girls and we were best friends for about 10 years. Now that we're in college, everything has changed. She complained that I got everything too easily when I won my full academic scholarship, and she called me a selfish person for getting more (after I had explained to her about my money situation: older sister in college, having to pay for other things that didn't get covered by the scholarship, like summer classes, extra hours, books, etc). She said I didn't deserve these scholarships.

She never had anything positive to say to me anymore. When we would hang out, I always asked how she was doing and such; when she asked me, she seemed to not even care. She would stop texting me if I mentioned new friends from college (I live on campus while she lives at home) or my boyfriend at all. She would always get mad at me if I said I had to study in place of hanging out with her.

One last thing: we work together and she complains that I'm just too busy to take or switch shifts with anyone. I'm just a bad coworker to her it seems. I heard from her brother that I don't even deserve to have a job because I essentially don't have to pay for school.

It just hurts me so much. We used to be so close and now she is so negative towards me. I don't know what I did wrong. Please help me. Why is my supposed friend doing this to me? Thanks in advance!

it's pretty simple dear, you had it all handed to you on a silver platter and your friend is jealous and bitter because she doesn't. If you really are friends you will sit her down and talk to her about it. Say you don't mean to be flashy with your good fortune not seeing that she has to push and work so hard to even remotely get towards what you have. try to help her. switch a shift with her one day, make it so she has a day off. let her know you are there for her even though it doesn't excuse how she acts towards you, jealousy can make relationships...odd.

Q: How do I touch this one girls butt im 11 but her butt looks so good

that's actually a form of sexual harassment and you CAN get in trouble for that, and if you're lucky that's it because I personally as a girl have knocked guys out over touching my ass.

Q: i am 23 doing my studies and i new to gay life still i did not get any guys. i have many friends around me we so happy and enjoying but i willing to marry a guy on who ready to share and live together still death. i am happy about me and my family but i am searching a good looking guy(any country)to marry me
i am so positive about life and positive mind, active person and lovable person too.i am looking same age 21 to 24, can i get any guys who is willing to marry and have long friendship, if any guys willing please mail me "dassan9@gmail.com.

maybe you can oin an online dating site or something, because this is an advice site not a dating site. but good luck.

Q: I am an 18 year old female. One night, my friends ( Lucy and Karen) and I were getting ready to go out to a party, we had to take shifts because the car we were going in could only hold 5 people and there was 11 of us going. When we finally all got to the party, we all were hanging out and talking. Before the party, I was telling my friends that I never drink to get drunk because I don't like waking up the next day and not remembering what happened the night before. I am a social drinker, I guess you could say. Well, during the party while my friends were drinking more than me, they were off talking to boys and such, I was sitting on the kitchen table talking to Karen's best friend who is a boy that she has a crush on. I could still to this day, two weeks later, recite everything we talked about. We talked about Karen and if he has feelings for her and if he would ever want to be with her. I, then, talked to my guy friend about my previous conversation about Karen to her crush. The music was loud and the appartment was full so as we were talking, my head was on his shoulder so that I could talk in his ear that he'd hear me and he did the same thing when he talked to me. After the party, I left with this kid named Will. He said he would walk me back to my dorm after we walked into town so that he could get cigarettes. So, the whole walk he was calling my Karen and Lucy to see where they were (mind you, Will was drunk) and was getting very angry when they weren't answering their phones, calling them fucking bitches for not picking up and stupid for not leaving with him. Well, as we were walking into the parking lot of the gas station, we found Lucy. She ran up to Will and he hugged her and everything. He went in to get his cigarettes. I stayed outside. When they came out, we walked back to campus. They decided to go one way and check on Karen who was at her dorm with her crush. I was pissed that they just left me so I texted Lucy and told her that I was pissed and that I feel like I don't belong in their little friendship because a friend wouldn't leave me alone on a college campus to walk to my dorm by myself at 2 am. She texted me back freaking out that she is so done with this petty bullshit and that she heard what I said about her and that she is so done being my friend, she did like me but now she doesn't. I know for a fact that I said NOTHING bad about her. Like I said, I don't drink to get drunk so I would not forget that I "talked shit on her" if I didn't even drink to be drunk. The next morning, I texted Karen, she replied with a snarky comment. I asked what was wrong and she said the same thing: that she heard what I said about her. Again, I talked to two people about her; her crush and my friend and both of those conversations were good, how I think they deserve to be with each other to be happy and how they're so adorable together. I know, again, for a fact that I did not talk shit or Karen nor Lucy. I also know, after thinking about it, that Will was the one that told them I was saying bad things about him because he was the last person they talked to. It's funny.. he was talking shit on them calling them fucking bitches and stupid, yet they're still friends with him.

Two weeks later, I am moving on from being friends with them. If they don't believe me then why should I keep trying to convince them that I didn't say anything bad, ya know? Anyways, I was having dinner the other night in the dining hall with my roommate, ten minutes after I sat down, Karen and Lucy and Will and his friend were leaving the dining hall and they all gave me the rudest looks as they were leaving. It's enough to be mad at me for something I didn't do but to give me snarky looks and such crosses the line for me. Like, I'm trying to get over it.. why aren't they?

The whole gist of this is, how do I make myself not care about them anymore? When they give me rude looks, how do I just forget about it and brush it off my shoulders? I just want this whole thing to be over. If they don't want to friends over something stupid, whatever but get on with your life and stop being so rude to be.

I'm sorry this is so long and confusing but any help will do.

If they want to believe it, let them it isn't your problem. If they were your friends they would have cared enough to try to find out or work it out. Simply tell them what really happened, if you can. But after you're done tell them you just told them to clear the air, and that you do not want to resume a friendship.

Q: I always feel alone. My friends come and go. When I have a real good friend all of a sudden its like , I did something wrong to make them hate me or not trust me or something. Sometimes I just think I'm better off not here. Since my dad died everything's been upside down , but that was 9 years ago .. I had a family but I dont anymore .. My ex bboyfriend used to be my bestfriend but he's changed too. I just feel so alone. What should I do? Stay this way? Believe people when they say they care? But in the end nobody cares. I just dont know anymore, someone help me please??

i feel like this alot, especially lately. and welp.. it sucks. it's horrible knowing you have no one to trust. it's horrible that when you need a friend, no one seems to be there. But it makes you stronger, i mean you have no one but your still standing here doing everything on your own. that's an achievement most people can't handle. but people like us, we don't always end up alone. There are people that sense our strength and they will stick by us and still know we don't need them. And if those people haven't come yet or you haven't started to open your eyes to see them... it will happen. But in the end, no you are not alone. Because even though you may have no one NEAR you to trust... there is always someone out there who feels the same way as you. who feels... alone. so no you're not alone. not even a little bit. not even at all. and your dad believe it or not is probably watching every move you make, standing beside you every moment you need someone. Death doesn't stop a father's love.

Q: Recently, me and a friend stopped talking. We're still civil though, but there is tension in the air. A mutual friend is very close to her and to me it looks like he has decided to take her side, despite that fact that 1. She told him that he shouldn't feel the need to, and 2. It simply didn't concern him.

Recently, another mutual friend of ours (who has managed to stay completely neutral in this) was talking to them on the phone. The fellow who decided to takes sides said "I need to know if I can trust you. I need to bitch about Matt" (matt being me).

He also stated that he wasn't planning to invite me to his birthday party, despite the fact that i've known him longer than anyone else.

I'm not sure what has bought this on. I know he's always been head over heels in love with the friend who I stopped talking to, and it's obvious that they talk about it, as he has decided to take sides.

I'm not sure what to do. I can't approach him, as the friend who told me, made me swear that I wouldn't say anything. I've asked him by text, what he is doing for his birthday, but he has just ignored me. He complains that I don't hang out with him often, but he's the one who ignored my messages, even if I message him a friendly "hello, how have you been?" .

I've even done the 'are we cool?' Thing and he just responds with the usual nonsense of 'yeah, sure, why?' . So it's pretty much impossible to do anything. Should I just give up, and be grateful that everything has ended on a civil note? Or approach him?

Any help would be appreciated.

Thanks.

in all honesty, this is stupid. the kid obviously is going to take her side if he has a thing for her and there is always the chance she might have told him some untrue things maybe even lied and said you said some things you didn't...
why? because she's a girl.
what does that have to do with it? girls are all evil manipulative bitches. lmfao.
sit the guy down alone and talk to him straight up. tell him the whole situation. make sure he knows you never said anything about him and you wish he didn't get caught up in this but also confront him saying that you know he was talking about you and that he has been acting weird because it sounds like he isn't your friend anyway.

Q: what do you say when i guy say do you want tongo out with me

uhm if you like that, you say yes. if you don't, you say no. plain and simple.

bio

Hi, thanks for coming to my column.

The name is Diamond but Dia is fine.

20, female, jersey girl at heart. mixed race taurus natured woman.

So...the reason I made this was during the start of my senior year of high school I had reached a point in my life where I didn't want to live anymore. I was tired of fighting and didn't see the reasons to fight. It was a random stranger that made me realize I would be stupid to take my life and to stop fighting.

So if you think I'm going to tell you life gets easier, I'm not. Let's face it, it doesn't get easier. Through pain you get stronger and learn to open your eyes to those things that give you strength to live.

Mine happen to be music, writing, dr. pepper, anime, the color black, the way rain sounds, and an amazing boyfriend. What gives you strength to live?