I have studied psychology though I am not a psychologist or a licensed counselor of any sort. I'm an artist and writer and teach both to small private groups. I have worked with counselors by using art and writing projects at workshops to encourage people to open up, and I have been recommended by therapists to their clients to take my classes to help them understand more about themselves and what all is going on in their lives through art and writing. Though I'm not an art therapist, I use many tools from art therapy and my own experiences gleaned from counseling. I have always had the desire to help people and I do it in any way possible. Hopefully I can be of some help to many of you!
E-mail: susana182006-extra@yahoo.com
Gender: Female
Location: Virginia
Occupation: artist & writer/teacher of both
Age: 52
Member Since: November 27, 2005
Answers: 116
Last Update: February 25, 2006
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I'm a university student living away from home and I've just returned to my family home for the Christmas period. I brought home a bag of presents, but it appears that one present slipped out from where it was stored before I brought it home (I don't think I've lost it, just left it behind).
The gift in question should have been half the present I'd be giving to my elder sister. Should I buy something else, or would it be acceptable to give her the remaining half when I next see her, around the 8th of January? As it's half of the present she'd still have something from me under the tree on Christmas day, but I feel bad for being disorganised and wonder if I should get her another token thing so that it doesn't appear that I've been much less generous to her than to my other sisters on Christmas Day. On the other hand, I'm sure she'd understand and I will see her relatively soon after Christmas as she lives much nearer to me than the rest of my family. Any thoughts? (link)
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I bet you're rather frustrated. Misplacing a gift or leaving one behind has happened to most of us.
A close friend of mine and I are always forgetting to pack something in our Christmas/b'day packages and then we send whatever it is on later. We've found that to be kind of fun as we end up extending our gift-giving and opening.
Would it be acceptable to you to find a small box and write a sweet note to your sister about the second half of her gift being delivered to her on the 8th of January? If you guys have a good sense of humor, you could make the note humorous - even write a silly little poem about the poor little gift being left behind because it "removed itself from the bag" (or whatever), or a poem about you and the hecticness of your last few days at school when you failed to notice that the gift had...
You could buy a pretty ornament which you could then use as part of the wrapping of the little box. Attach it to the ribbon you tie around the box. This way she'd be getting some other token of a gift (a lovely one) and will find out that she'll be receiving her other gift in the very near future. You say your sister would understand, so if that's true then she may find this idea fun and rather mysterious. I would!
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My son got married to a young woman who is the oldest of 8 children. His wife Penny is a wonderful young woman but her mother has these 8 children ages 3, 15, 16, 17, 19, 21, 23, 26 have several different father's and their mother always depended on the oldest daughter to handle everything. Now that this daughter is gone the whole family is falling apart. The mother goes gambling every night and the 3 year old is left alone. Last night my son and his wife Penny went over and the 3 year old little boy was in is under pants alone in the basement with a party going on on the top floor with the teenagers. He was cold and hungry. My son does not know what to do as they are expecting their own child in two weeks and really did not want to take on this child. I can not sleep thinking about this child and if I say the word I am sure the mother will say great - you can take care of this child for the next 18 years. I am 57 and have recently quit work to take care of my 86 year old mother. My husband and I are quite comfortable financially but taking on a child is quite a committment. I have an entire play room with a bed and many toys for my grandchildren. This child does not even have his own bed but sleeps with his mother in a basement room that does not even have a closet or a set of drawers. The house is an unbelievable disaster and would probably win the award for the messiest house contest. I have not been able to sleep all night or for the last couple of days thinking about this child. I am thinking of phoning the mother and telling her that we can take the little boy for a while if she wants that but I think that it might be a very long while. My husband thinks that it would be okay to take him but that the mother might fall apart more if she does not have this one to look after. What do you suggest? (link)
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OK, so we know why the mother of this group of children is not being very effective right now since she has a gambling problem. But has Penny tried talking to her adult younger siblings? Is there some reason they are not helping out with this little boy? I realize that it's not the responsibility of children to take care of their siblings, but some of these "kids" are adults and I'm confused as to why they aren't helping out here...like Penny did. Well, obviously they are NOT Penny, but I would think that if she "held the family together" while she lived there that there must be some modicum of respect for her from all of her siblings. Maybe they will listen to her if she presents the facts of what is happening.
Before you decide to take on the huge responsibility of taking care of a 3 yr. old, I would sit down with your son and daughter-in-law and have a serious family discussion. Ask them what their thoughts are on this dilemma and whether or not they would be able to take in this child for a period of time. I know you said your son was not exactly prepared to do that especially with a baby on the way. However, maybe if you all think of the ramifications to such a young child being left alone, your son and Penny could swing taking in her brother. I know that's a lot to ask. Of course, if there is agreement, maybe you and your husband could work with your son and Penny and the child could go back and forth between the two couples. That's still tough on everyone and will probably be hard on the little one as well, but it can't be worse than the situation he's in now. Penny knows her mother better than anyone so she's apt to know how her mom will react to any relative taking the child away, even if for only a temporary time (which could of course lead to a much longer period of time, depending on whether or not Penny's mom decides to seek help for her addiction).
In order to keep things open with your son and Penny, I would talk to them about whether or not one of you should call Child Protective Services. If you call without talking to them - especially Penny - this could damage your relationship with your son and his wife. That doesn't sound like it would be such a good idea - you all need to stick together in this mess. Maybe Penny would be willing to make the call. Or, if she's okay with it, you can make the call. Explain to her all of your concerns because even though it sounds as though she's concerned, she may not have looked at every angle. She needs to really know how unhealthy this is for her brother. I know that CPS can seem to disrupt the family life, but this child is in danger from what you've described. Also, from what I know about CPS, they try to keep the family together and to help the parent (or parents) get their lives back on track.
It sounds as though an intervention of sorts needs to happen with Penny's mom re: her gambling problem. If Penny could get the support of her siblings and you and your husband were involved, maybe approaching the mom in a "tough love" intervention will help her to open her eyes. I see that you were given a link to a site to help gamblers. Information from this site, or Gamblers' Anonymous in your area, would be very helpful to have at the intervention. Think also of other people who this woman may trust and would feel safe around. Maybe they could be part of the intervention. Perhaps this could be tried before CPS is called.
The whole situation sounds so very sad and I feel that this young child is very fortunate that you are trying to come up with a solution to an ugly mess. I know it can't be easy. Hopefully, though, you and your husband, and your son and Penny can all together work out some possible solutions or steps to begin taking. This child needs someone's help. Hopefully any one of these suggestions can be helpful to you in your desire to give this little guy a chance in life. I thank you for him and so many others who are left to drift in the wind. I wish you and your family (extended, as well) many good wishes.
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My mom is in her late 40's. Well anyway. I like the band Green Day. And she doesn't. She's more into the Old Country type of music. I like the color black. My mom won't buy me black and says "It Looks Like Something A Devil Worshiper Would Wear!" and Refuses to buy me Green Day Things like for example I wanted and still want this really pretty Green Day Hoodie. It was black or Gray (Can't Remember) and it just had "Green Day" on the front of it and I asked her if I could get it instead off the OCC Hoodie. And She said No. What is Wrong With her. She got mad at me because We have a new phone number and someone called that she didnt know and I didn't either and automatically assumed it was me! So? (link)
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RESPONSE TO YOUR FEEDBACK:
I'm hoping that you'll see this additional response that I'm giving you after having read your feedback comments (which I've included below). Thanks for giving them to me. It helps to know a little more about your situation though I still don't know a lot. Please just bear with me, okay?
I liked black eye liner when I was younger too (still do, sometimes), but I didn't wear it until I was a little older. I still don't know how old you are. I guess it depends on HOW you're wearing the black eye liner. If it's really thick and makes your eyes look raccoon-ish, this could cause your mom some grief. Look at the male singer Marilyn Mason and his black eye liner, for instance. Do you wear it in a similar way, even if it's toned down? Are you sort of going for the Goth look? Sometimes this look is scary for parents and they're confused by it and what it means.
I don't blame you for not wanting to look and be like your sister. When we were younger, my sister and I were WAY different. She was much more conservative with how she dressed and with her make-up and how she acted than I was. MY parents had a more difficult time understanding me in that regard. But we lived through it and I tried to compromise with my folks as far as what they wanted and what I wanted. You don't need to be like your sister, but since she is the older one, your mom may in fact be completely surprised and confused as to why you're so completely opposite from her first born. That's kind of natural, even if it feels unfair.
No matter how you're feeling right now, please don't block your mom from your life. I think you'll regret doing that and it will make your situation only worse. She will really begin to wonder even more what you're up to and whether or not she's "lost" you. Who knows how she will react then? If I were your parent, it would scare me and I'd be completely frustrated and at a loss as to how to get you back to me. I would work hard at trying to talk with you, but if you shut a Mom out, she may find that very difficult, and even hurtful (though she may not be able to admit this). And, if she's prone to anger, you may get reactions that you hate more than now. What purpose would that serve either of you?
You say that your mom is acting very strange around you these days. OK, maybe she IS going through menopause, but usually a woman doesn't act strange to just one person if she's having a rough go of things. You'd see the same attitude with others and it doesn't sound like you're witnessing that. So, I have a question for you? Are YOU acting any differently towards her these days? Again, how old are you? I ask this because we all go through very drastic changes as we grow up. Maybe you're not even aware that you're acting differently because you see it as trying to come into your own - be your own self, break away from the "little girl" image, express yourself, or even just rebel against anything your mom believes because you feel like that's the only way you can 'be yourself." All of those things are very common and cause parents to almost pull their hair out because they're at such a loss as to how to understand this "new" you. So again, are you acting a lot different from how you were only just a little while ago? Are you still going to her in confidence or have you already chosen to back off from that kind of relationship with your mom. Since I obviously don't know your mom, I have no idea how difficult it has ever been to communicate with and confide in her.
Though I do know a lot of people who like Green Day, like I said before, I can't help but wonder if the Parental Discretion/Warning label that goes along with their music has something to do with how she is reacting about this group (there ARE some pretty heavy duty messages and certain kinds of words that offend some people...and scare some parents). How about a suggestion: ask your mom if she's willing to compromise with you. Tell her that since you really like Green Day and she doesn't, that you'll agree to listen to some other bands that are popular now, with music that you like, and that your mother will approve, if she allows you to listen to Green Day from time to time. She may be so adamantly against Green Day that she won't go for this, but try it anyway.
Unfortunately, as we grow up in the households of our parents, we do have to abide by some, or most, of their rules. It may not seem fair, but they are trying to teach you their values and then when you are older and out on your own, you'll have different perspectives on the values and ideas that are out there and YOU can make your own choices. Know that this phase you guys are going through will NOT last forever. So, as you're trying to get HER to change her attitudes and ideas, maybe you can try to change some of yours...for now. Again, see if compromising might work.
As far as not allowing you to go to ballgames, I wonder...sigh, once again...how old you are. What are her reasons for not allowing you to go to these games? You say that you mostly stay "locked up" in your room. Does she not allow you to go out with your friends? Does she allow you to date? All of these things have so much to do with the age of a child. Maybe you're feeling like you're too old now for her to forbid you to do some of these things you'd like to do. Is she afraid of what might go on with the boys? If she hasn't said so, I'd still have to wonder if this is a concern of hers. And, in reality it is a concern of many parents - what young people are doing these days. (It was a concern of our parents back when we were growing up, as I mentioned before.) Have you tried to do things with your friends, setting up communication plans with your mother and agreements on what you are and are not allowed to do? Have you tried this and didn't follow what the two of you had agreed upon? Knowing the answers to some of these questions would certainly help me in helping you. Realizing the answers to these questions would perhaps help YOU to think long and hard how the relationship with your mom got to this point. Be as honest with yourself as you can. When exactly did all of this start and do you remember what set off this turn of events?
Try to be patient with all that you surely want to do. Things will come at the right time and when you're ready...really ready. Your mom may just be trying to make sure you ARE ready to deal with a lot of the decisions you make and the results of those decisions. Maybe she's not doing it in the calmest of fashions or in a way that you like and I'm sorry. But try to be patient with her too. And, don't hesitate to ask HER to be patient with you and your teenage phases.
Obviously I'm still promoting the idea of communication even though you said in this feedback comment that you sat down and tried to talk to her and it didn't work out. Go over in your head exactly how you two communicated with each other and see if you can't try to approach her in a different way. She may actually appreciate that and try to communicate in a different way with you.
Again, good luck. I KNOW this is a terribly tough time for you and you're feeling frustrated and held back. But all will smooth out as you continue to work on this and as you show your mom exactly the kind of person you are and that she doesn't need to worry about you as much anymore - something very hard for parents to do. OK, try to keep me informed. I'm hoping you guys can come to some sort of arrangement about how you feel about each other. Please remember that your mom loves you and is most likely afraid of what's out there in our society today. She just wants to keep you safe. But, you need to show her - by compromises and honesty - that you'll be okay and you'll use good judgment about whatever comes your way.
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Thanks SOOO Much! My mom was talking about how I would wear black eye liner. But I have always wore make up. Now on the other hand my sister (28) was always pink, white, blue's and so on in clothes. But I don't want to be like her. You can't tell my mom anything. I just feel like I want to block her out of my life and do my own thing. And the truth is that I have been sooo much happier that I can choose what I* want to wear. Not what she wanted me to wear. She never lets me go to ballgames. I usually stay locked up in my room. She just doesn't understand me. I had a talk with her last night and she was like "There are PLENTY more Bands out there than that Green Day!!" and I said "I know. I just like that band better." and she was like "Well I don't want you listing to it!" and I said "I am going to. Because thats the kind of music that I like. I'm not like my sister." and things went from there. She might be going through Mentopause right now to. Cause she has been acting VERY strange. Around me.
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My mother has been unemployed since... 2000 I'll guess. She has been trying to start a real estate company. Every night I hear her crying and when I ask her what's wrong, she says that she's not a good mother and she's sorry she can't provide for this family. Some guy ripped her off illegally and lawyers keep ignoring her about it, so she doesn't think she's going to get the money back, and it was a lot of money. She says we probably won't have enough money to live on. She's my mom and I love her and I need a way to help her. I can't get a job because I'm too young. My father is a lawyer but they have had a rocky relationship ever since the divorce and I highly doubt he will help her for free. We have nowhere to turn. (link)
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The advice you received from "lulabelle" and "sizzlinmandolin" is filled with very wise things to do and think about. I don't exactly want to repeat everything they both have very kindly suggested, however I may repeat a little of what they said only to emphasize the need to do these things.
First of all, I would be very aware that your mom is most probably suffering from depression right now and that she needs help. You can begin by letting her know how much you love her and how much the two of you can make it together. No one can get her out of her depression or help her unless she's willing to get help herself. You can suggest ideas to her, but she ultimately needs to make the decision on her own. It is NOT your responsibiliity, especially as her child, to try to get her out of her depression. There are places for her to go where it will cost her little to nothing to get help for her depression. For instance, there is a state run mental health clinic in my area that accepts anyone and reviews the finances of a person, then puts them on a sliding scale as far as paying goes. That means, according to your mom's income, she will only pay a very small percentage of the normal costs of the counseling, often as little as $1.00. This IS something you can do: ask your school counselor or doctor (call him/her and leave the message that you have something urgent to talk about so that he/she can call you back as soon as possible) for names of clinics such as this. Call the clinic, let them know how old you are and that you're very worried about your mother who seems to be in a very depressed state. Talk to your mother with the information you get from the clinic and see if she's willing to go there. But as often is the case, some people suffering depression (or other mental illnesses) have a hard time getting or wanting help while they're in the throws of their illness. Try to be patient with her and encourage her as much as you can. Do NOT feel that YOU have failed if she is in denial or isn't ready for this kind of help. You can only do so much about this. Oh yes, if there is a family member (or even a good friend of your mother's) who you trust, try talking to that person and see if he or she, as an adult, can talk to your mom and help her through this difficult time. This should not be something that lies solely on YOUR shoulders. She is the adult and you are the child...a young one at that.
As far as that jerk who cheated her out of a lot of money, she should be very assertive with her lawyer about going forth with the suit against this guy. And yes, there are organizations that provide legal services for free and you could try to look that up in the phone book, or better yet, go again to your school counselor for help. She or he should be able to find someone like this perhaps easier than you could. And, there are law firms who have attorneys who do pro bono (free) cases if they deem the client has a good enough case and really can't afford to pursue the case. More often than not, these are large law firms because they can afford this more easily. However, as is too often the case, people who lose money to others, can't get it back without paying out a lot of money, or the case is just impossible to pursue especially if no written contract was involved. If you think your father can help you, then YOU should approach him because you are his child and your welfare is at stake. He would be doing you an injustice if he charged your mother for any services. Remind him that he would be helping YOU in the long run.
Also, a question: does your father pay child support and alimony? If he's an attorney, he should be paying a fairly decent amount to your mother. If he's not paying child support, then he needs to be reported to the police who can go from there in reporting him to the proper authorities.
You say your mom is trying to start a real estate business. On the surface this sounds very admirable and this particular profession can provide a lot of money if the agent is successful AND it can provide a single parent with flexible hours to be with his or her children. However, I wonder if this is such a wise decision at this time if things are not working out. Has your mother investigated doing anything else for now, before delving into a business of her own which indeed takes a good amount of funds to get off the ground?
Another thing your mom can do if she's up to it right now (and she may not be), is to go to Social Services and sign up for various programs that are aimed at helping people who have very little income and are in a difficult situation. For one thing, she could sign up for food stamps. Yes, I know there is a stigma attached to food stamps, but in reality it is a great program for people like yourselves. (Yep, too many people abuse the system, but I wouldn't put you guys in that category from what you've said). And, nowadays one does not receive paper food stamps, but instead they receive a lovely plastic card that looks just like a credit card and is used in the credit card machines at grocery stores. That helps a person's self-esteem a lot because no one has to know what kind of card they are using except the cashier. And, you guys do NOT have to be on food stamps or receive any other kind of financial help forever! These programs are designed to help people get on their feet.
The suggestion that you try to get a baby-sitting job is a good one. You could also investigate whether there are any neighbors who would be willing to pay you for any pet care you may be able to provide, or even lawn work. Now remember, you should not be thinking about trying to support your mother. Again, you're just a kid. But, you can help out by getting some small job and just be a contributing family member. If for some reason this makes your mom upset and more apt to say that she's a bad mother because you "have" to work, remind her that she's NOT a bad mother (we all make mistakes and she's surely had it rough by going through a divorce) and that many kids get jobs whether their families need them to or not. Tell her you really want to help out because you're in this together.
I sincerely hope that your mom considers the help that is out there. She needs support and lots of love - from you and those who are willing to be there for her. Counseling can really help her get back on her feet, and perhaps an antidepressant drug will be prescribed to help her over this hump.
I wish you both lots of luck and encourage you to contact me if you need anymore support or suggetions. I'll help in any way I can. My e-mail address is soysusana@verizon.net. You seem like a very caring, thoughtful and supportive daughter/son. Anyone would be proud to have you as their child. I know things will turn around eventually. It just may take a little time. Bless your heart for being so concerned and caring. You're great. Just remember that YOU can't solve these problems. You can help, but you need to know that there are adults who should be taking care of you. Start asking for that help and begin with your father.
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Okay so my dads a major alcoholic and Im trying to get him in trouble and arrested or somehow away from my mother and i cause he is a danger and a jerk. I mean its horrible. He wont physically abuse us to the point of marks cause he dont want to go to jail. However we suspect he may be back on drugs (hes been on them in the past) cause he seems all down dissapears and come back really perky. How can I see if he is? How can I prove it? What should I do? PLEASE HELP! (link)
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Please, please act on this as soon as possible! Call Child Protective Services (with your area Social Services - usually found in the blue government pages of the phone book or at the very beginning of the phone book where emergency numbers are listed). If you're comfortable going to your school counselor, he or she should be able to help you make the right contacts. Also, ask your mother if she's willing to go with you to a local women's shelter to seek advice (often found in the blue pages as well or even under the emergency numbers...at the beginning of the phone book, but if you can't find one in either place, ask Social Services for a number or call the police and they'll be able to direct you to one of these shelters - they are sometimes kept secret to keep the abusive spouse from finding them). Is your mom wanting to deal with this situation as badly as you? It would certainly help if you and she could do all of this together. However, if she is too afraid (or in denial), then do this on your own and explain to whomever you speak what all is going on and that your mom is too afraid at this point to do anything. I sincerely hope that she's at a point where she can try to stop this situation before it escalates more than it has.
Both Social Services and Women's Shelters can help make the decision about whether your dad needs to be reported to the police at this time or not (I would guess that yes, he needs to be reported). They will contact the police and help you make your statement. They will also help your mother through the possibly difficult task of filing a report against your father. There will be a lot of support which you two will need.
I would NOT recommend spying on your dad in any way like hiding around corners to see what he's doing, photographing him in secret, listening in on his calls, etc. This could cause all sorts of problems and make the situation worse...more dangerous than it already sounds. But do be very observant and if you want and if you can, record what you see and hear in a small notebook that he won't find. You can then take this notebook with you when you go to the proper authorities.
You say that your dad doesn't "physically abuse [you two] to the point of marks." That sounds like he does physically abuse you both and that he knows how to stop just before he goes "too far" (he's already gone too far if he's done ANY sort of abuse) and how to hide this physical abuse. That's really scary to me and sends up a red flag about how cunning this man is. Another reason to NOT spy on him.
As far as your dad using drugs or not, there may not be any way YOU can prove that he's gotten into them again (and man, if I were you, I wouldn't try, just be observant). It's really not your job to try to prove this. Let Social Services know your suspicions and they'll go from there.
A friend of mine and her two daughters just went through something very similar to what you're describing. I helped them contact Social Services' Child Protective Services and went with them to their first meeting with a social worker. She was very kind and explained things quite well - the steps that would be taken and how the police would be involved. In their case, there was the added injustice of this man molesting one of his daughters. Too often that happens with men like this, whether their children are girls or boys. I hope that you have not had to endure something like this, but if you have, please try to be as honest as possible with whomever you speak no matter how embarrassed you might feel. They will be able to help you more than you know. Do keep in mind though that your dad does not have to have had molested you to be in a lot of trouble right now. You will STILL get help and guidance as to what to do. The situation is bad enough without molestation, so know that and continue on your quest to help yourself and your mom.
Please let me know what you end up doing and how you and your mother are being helped. I'm so sorry that you both are going through this and I pray that you'll be able to have some sort of resolution VERY soon...or at least the beginning of a resolution. I wish you lots of luck and want to tell you that I believe you are a very intelligent and courageous person. I'm sorry, though, that you are having to take an adult's role in all of this. You're just a kid and you shouldn't have to be in this position. But since you are, kudos to you for trying to do the right and safe thing. I'll be thinking good and safe thoughts for you both...
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I dont know what i should get for my mom for christmas..I know its bad but yeah. She likes the western deal, and candles. Can you give me some ideas???? (link)
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I'm guessing that when you say your mom "likes the western deal," that you mean she likes the southwestern theme. You could combine that love with her love of candles by buying her several candles that are in southwestern colors, e.g., terra cotta (a lovely brownish orange), rust red, salmon (light pinks or pink-orange), purples, sand colors - off-white, cream, tan, turquoise, medium green, light brown, and golden yellow. Think also of the colors of a glorious sunset. You could buy different sizes of candles and holders so that, put on display together, this great combination of colors, sizes and styles could be perfectly lovely. Or, even separate, put around a room, they would add something to her decor. Certainly you could look around your house and see what colors she uses the most and go from there with your candle color choices.
Places where you might be able to get some ideas would be shops that are "new age" (they have lots of candles and often things that are southwestern because of the Native American background of this style, plus, usually, Native American music and gifts), or if you have a Native American shop (there are more around than you might think), you could maybe find something really neat there.
I don't know where you live so it's hard to suggest certain types of stores or gifts. I have some really neat mandalas, dream catchers, rain sticks, decorative magnets that are of the southwestern theme...even though my house isn't of that theme! You could probably find her a really nice calendar at any bookstore that has southwestern pictures or designs. That would be a neat idea along with the candles.
I wish you luck and hope you find something you really like for your mom. She'll love the thought you put into it!
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