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Helping a 3 year old boy
My son got married to a young woman who is the oldest of 8 children. His wife Penny is a wonderful young woman but her mother has these 8 children ages 3, 15, 16, 17, 19, 21, 23, 26 have several different father's and their mother always depended on the oldest daughter to handle everything. Now that this daughter is gone the whole family is falling apart. The mother goes gambling every night and the 3 year old is left alone. Last night my son and his wife Penny went over and the 3 year old little boy was in is under pants alone in the basement with a party going on on the top floor with the teenagers. He was cold and hungry. My son does not know what to do as they are expecting their own child in two weeks and really did not want to take on this child. I can not sleep thinking about this child and if I say the word I am sure the mother will say great - you can take care of this child for the next 18 years. I am 57 and have recently quit work to take care of my 86 year old mother. My husband and I are quite comfortable financially but taking on a child is quite a committment. I have an entire play room with a bed and many toys for my grandchildren. This child does not even have his own bed but sleeps with his mother in a basement room that does not even have a closet or a set of drawers. The house is an unbelievable disaster and would probably win the award for the messiest house contest. I have not been able to sleep all night or for the last couple of days thinking about this child. I am thinking of phoning the mother and telling her that we can take the little boy for a while if she wants that but I think that it might be a very long while. My husband thinks that it would be okay to take him but that the mother might fall apart more if she does not have this one to look after. What do you suggest?
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Want to answer more questions in the Relationships category?
Maybe give some free advice about: Families?
take the child it would be best. adopt him or let your son adopt him. make room in your house for the child
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OK, so we know why the mother of this group of children is not being very effective right now since she has a gambling problem. But has Penny tried talking to her adult younger siblings? Is there some reason they are not helping out with this little boy? I realize that it's not the responsibility of children to take care of their siblings, but some of these "kids" are adults and I'm confused as to why they aren't helping out here...like Penny did. Well, obviously they are NOT Penny, but I would think that if she "held the family together" while she lived there that there must be some modicum of respect for her from all of her siblings. Maybe they will listen to her if she presents the facts of what is happening.
Before you decide to take on the huge responsibility of taking care of a 3 yr. old, I would sit down with your son and daughter-in-law and have a serious family discussion. Ask them what their thoughts are on this dilemma and whether or not they would be able to take in this child for a period of time. I know you said your son was not exactly prepared to do that especially with a baby on the way. However, maybe if you all think of the ramifications to such a young child being left alone, your son and Penny could swing taking in her brother. I know that's a lot to ask. Of course, if there is agreement, maybe you and your husband could work with your son and Penny and the child could go back and forth between the two couples. That's still tough on everyone and will probably be hard on the little one as well, but it can't be worse than the situation he's in now. Penny knows her mother better than anyone so she's apt to know how her mom will react to any relative taking the child away, even if for only a temporary time (which could of course lead to a much longer period of time, depending on whether or not Penny's mom decides to seek help for her addiction).
In order to keep things open with your son and Penny, I would talk to them about whether or not one of you should call Child Protective Services. If you call without talking to them - especially Penny - this could damage your relationship with your son and his wife. That doesn't sound like it would be such a good idea - you all need to stick together in this mess. Maybe Penny would be willing to make the call. Or, if she's okay with it, you can make the call. Explain to her all of your concerns because even though it sounds as though she's concerned, she may not have looked at every angle. She needs to really know how unhealthy this is for her brother. I know that CPS can seem to disrupt the family life, but this child is in danger from what you've described. Also, from what I know about CPS, they try to keep the family together and to help the parent (or parents) get their lives back on track.
It sounds as though an intervention of sorts needs to happen with Penny's mom re: her gambling problem. If Penny could get the support of her siblings and you and your husband were involved, maybe approaching the mom in a "tough love" intervention will help her to open her eyes. I see that you were given a link to a site to help gamblers. Information from this site, or Gamblers' Anonymous in your area, would be very helpful to have at the intervention. Think also of other people who this woman may trust and would feel safe around. Maybe they could be part of the intervention. Perhaps this could be tried before CPS is called.
The whole situation sounds so very sad and I feel that this young child is very fortunate that you are trying to come up with a solution to an ugly mess. I know it can't be easy. Hopefully, though, you and your husband, and your son and Penny can all together work out some possible solutions or steps to begin taking. This child needs someone's help. Hopefully any one of these suggestions can be helpful to you in your desire to give this little guy a chance in life. I thank you for him and so many others who are left to drift in the wind. I wish you and your family (extended, as well) many good wishes.
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Hello,
I know I am a young person but What I would do if I were in your shoes is call the Social Services. And yeah I know that it would be hard but its better for the children. I mean you don't want to see them in a casket, and yeah its gonna be hard because he is YOUR son and you don't wana make that decision, but thats the only thing to do. I hope things will work out between you. Keep me updated on how things go if you want.
-Neika
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i would suggest getting ahold of someone like social services before taking on a task like that. even though the mother of the child isnt around im sure she doesnt want her sister in law barging in saying she can raise her child better than she can. maybe have your daughter in law bring something up or wait until the child is left home alone then call the cops or something. you dont want to make the wrong impression and do something that your son may not be happy with later
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It is good you want to help out. I would be afraid though that the mother of the 3 year old would take it as an insult.
Your son and his wife could call child protective services...but all children under 18 would be taken from the home, not just the 3 year old. Might not be a bad idea though.
There are other children in the home over 18. The basement is the child's bedroom evidently, so being in his room with a party going on is better than him being at the party I suppose.
Did Penny grow up in these conditions? If so she turned out OK. So, the mother must do something right.
Before you take on this responsibility, where is this child's father? Are their other relatives they could go to if child protective services were called in?
A three year old could get mighty expensive if he were to get sick. Without health coverage you would have to pay out of pocket. You need to get paperwork saying you have permission to have him treated in case of emergency also, should you take him in.
Just some things to think about. :)
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I always find it sad to hear about situations like this. Since the child isn't being taken care of, someone needs to step in. Are there any other family members or siblings that can take the child? Would your daughter-in-law be willing to help if you took in her little brother? I'm not sure that the mother would fall apart more because it appears that she doesn't take care of the child to begin with.
Has anyone spoken to the mother about her gambling problem? I dealt with a mother with a gambling problem throughout my teens. My sisters and I all left home before we were 18, with me taking responsibility of the youngest sister. It was when my mother realized she was losing her family that she realized she had a problem and sought help. Many do not realize that they have a problem until someone points it out or they notice their family falling apart. I'm including a link to gamblers anonymous in case you decide to recommend a local meeting to the mother.
[Link](Mouse over link to see full location)
Personally, I would call child protective services. What the mother is doing is neglect. The children, all of them in the home, need to be taken care of. They deserve to grow up in a safe, nurturing environment. They may be able to arrange for the child to be put in your home until the mother has beat her gambling problem.
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If you believe that the mother will allow you to take the child, and you are comfortable and willing too, I honestly believe that is the best course of action. Yes, this will cause the mother pain, but that cannot be your first concern when dealing with a child who is living in circumstances likes these. The toddler’s health is most important, he is innocent and didn’t choose this life, and his mother needs to take responsibility for her own situation.
I don’t need to tell you to take this decision very seriously, you have a lot on your plate and have already raised children, you know what this decision might involve. You know it might not be a short term thing.
If you decide that taking the child is too much of a commitment for you to make, please put the mother in contact with charities or government programs in your area that are equipped to help her. If she is too proud to contact these services, it might be nessicary to call child protective services. I know that sounds cruel and extreme but the child is in danger living in such an environment and it might take something that extreme to smack some sense into this mother.
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