Ugo's advice column | Ugo's Advice About Families

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Q: My husband is 29, his sister is my age 21. They have, in my opinion, the most inappropriate relationship ever. She'll come and just sit in his lap and cuddle up with him. Or if shes sitting on the couch he will sorta attack her in a huge bear hug and end up on top of her. Once he was eating dessert and she came and sat on his lap and he started to feed her from his dessert. He didn't even think to offer me until after she had already eaten from his spoon. I don't know what all of you think, but I find this utterly disgusting...its weird, gross, and just plain wrong!

I talked to him about it, and he felt that I was being ridiculous and said that I have intimacy issues because in my family we are not all over each other. yaa we give hugs and stuff..but wrestling with each other on the couch and sitting on laps, and feeding each other...thats just weird. He was like, she is my sister! I told him, "EXACTLY! she's your sister...thats why I have such a problem with this". I even told him that I dont want her sitting on his lap any more..shes not a small child and its not cute when she comes and sits on his lap. He had the nerve to tell me he'll think about it...not okay I understand this is bothering you and I'll stop... he's just going to think about it. How wonderful..

I know no one can really do anything about this, but I guess I just need to see what others think about this. Is it just me or is it weird for siblings to treat each other the same way they would treat their significant others; minus the kissing on the lips and sex?

All answers are welcome and much appreciated. :)

Different families have different traditions, that being written, I would expect for a 29 year old and a 21 year old to have a more adult like relationship. Either way, regardless of how you might feel about your husband's relationship with his sister, your priority should be on your relationship with your husband. You wield no control over the nature of their relationship, you can only express your feelings and concerns and accept what you can not change. If you feel content in your current marriage, I would say you have nothing to worry about.

Q: im 15/f and lately i've been feeling distant from my parents. we're never on the same page about anything. and i made a little mistake when school let out and now they dont trust me at all. and my sisters and i are always fighting. and they both wanna copy everything i do. one of them is a brat and future slut and the other is completely behind on EVERYTHING in life. shes almost 13 and she refuses to shave, wear deodorant, and wear bras. and they are always bugging me and never leave me alone. and i just wish they'd leave me alone.

i know they love me, but i dont think i love them the way i used to. i mean i dont HATE them, but i dont love them. i know this is really bad and i cant talk to my rents about it. my friends understand where im getting at but if i try to explain to my parents they'll just get upset and hurt and i dont wanna hurt them.

i used to be really close with my dad. i used to be able to tell him everything. but now that im older and getting into a lot more stuff like smoking/drinking/heated situations and stuff? YOU CANT TELL YOUR DAD THAT. i just dont know what to do anymore! i wouldnt mind if my parents just sent me to england to live for eternity because i wouldnt miss my family at all.

Dear 15 y/o f,
What you are going through is not uncommon for someone your age. The fact that you have posted this question, is testimony that you care a lot about your family. It sounds that you are currently going through a period of self discovery and some of the behaviors you are engaging, will not be condoned by your family, and this is probably why you feel distant from them. The best way for people to thrive over this stage of life, is to reconnect with their parents. Granted you have no desire to tell your father the things you have been doing, but one thing you can do is to ask your parents how they overcame various struggles during their adolescent years. While there obviously will be stark differences in their experiences compared to yours, there will no doubt be similarities you can relate to in some of their experiences, and whether you agree or otherwise with their values and beliefs, understanding where your parents are coming from can help you reestablish that bond.

Q: So i absolutely HATEHATEHATE babies and anyone under the age of 10. they just really piss me off.
well my mom made me move in with her boyfriend who has 2 sons, one of which has a girlfriend who also lives with them. well she was pregnant. but they induced labor yesterday (gag) because she was a week overdue (big deal). and now its like everything revolves around that stupid thing, and its only been ONE DAY. my mom doesnt tell me i love you on the phone anymore she left me home alone all day today so she could go to the hospital and go see the repugnant thing, and i know that whenever my family comes over theyre not going to want to see me anymore its all gonna be about that monster.
so all im really asking is how do i make it through all this, and how do i not kill it, and deal with the crying, and all that shit. and most of all how do i get over my hate. because i seriously hate ALL kids.
I couldnt have gone with her I WASNT FREAKING HOME WHEN SHE LEFT. I WAS WITH MY DAD. AND CAME HOME TO A DESERTED HOUSE. NO NOTE OR ANYTHING. SHE DIDNT EVEN CALL TO TELL ME SHE LEFT. SO I CALLED AND SHE SAID IM GOING TO THE HOSPITAL CAN YOU GET SOME MEAT OUT OF THE FRIDGE BYE. ( sorry about caps) she always says i love you before she hangs up and she hasnt at all since it was born. im not jealous, it just hurts my feelings because its not even part of our family at all, and i dont even get told i lvoe you anymore. and this is an advice site. i asked this question for ADVICE not to be criticized because of my question. so just stop it already..

I have no idea how long your parents have been divorced, but the change in the family system that comes when a custodial parent brings someone new into the family, is usually very rough for kids and youth (especially only children); and anger and sometimes rage are common feelings that come about. The dynamics of the home has shifted, and you find yourself no longer being the primary focus of your mother's attention. Not only are you now in new territory, but your mother's boyfriend also comes with his own family, and possibly issues that you are forced to deal with. New borns being the helpless and loving beings they are, demand a lot of attention around the clock, so you have gone from a relatively calm household to a busy one, and this could be the source of your anger.
These words being written, I am troubled by your “ hate for children” and your request for advice on “ how not to kill the baby”. I have three advices for you:
Please move in with your father/ if you are met with resistance on this request, please confide with your mother what you are going through.
You present with issues of false entitlement; you should be the one to initiate the “I love you” statements to your mum, whether in person or over the phone. I am positive she will return the sentiment.
Please see a therapist, while your anger is understandable, moving in with your mother's boyfriend and all, you have sat on that anger for too long without exploring real feelings which contribute to that anger. I do believe you are jealous, for the simple fact that you now have to share your mother's attention with others in the household.
Good luck.

Q: Tonight was the last straw and my Mom said tomarrow morning she's calling someone for me to talk to because she's done with my crap. I did explode tonight... but Im not going to someone to talk to "because they care" when they obvously dont considering there gettying paid awesome money. Why waste my parents money for my to sit in a room... and listen to some guys words. She would rather send me to some guy so she wont have to deal with the facts SHE SUCKS AS A MOTHER! I told my Dad off tonight because he was being an asshole and I told him he didn't love me because if he did he would atleast try to quit smokeing. He's reocvering from a heart attack but has changed nothing in his life. Im not goign to some fucking therapist because "I bottle my emotions" how to I convince my Mom i dont need to go and to stop botteling my emotions because i eventually explode
even tho i dont I justdnt tell them anything because they suck at listening

Therapists are not for everyone, that being written, I don't see you as the sole source of discord in the home. Everyone plays a role. It doesn't sound like you bottle your feelings up, as a matter of fact I think you are doing too good of a job in letting your parents know just how you feel. How do you communicate your feelings to your mother about seeing a therapist? And increasing the chance that she will hear you? It is a two step deal that is easier written than done;
First step: Recognize what you have control over and what you don't, then accept the situation and be content with it. For example you have no control over your parents' decision, and that's okay, things could be worse.
Second step: Communicate difficult and sensitive subjects with out anger. When we become angry in communication, we become aggressive and we will usually yell for the whole world to hear. This is an ineffective form of communication, because the recipient of the communication will usually not pay attention to what you are saying, but to your yelling, and aggressive tone and posture. If you are calm and cool while communicating difficult and sensitive subjects, your recipient will respond only to the contents of your message.
The first and second steps have to go together for communication to be effective, because the first step prepares you not to lose your cool if things don't go your way. Remember this is easier written than executed, if you need practice and support, it wouldn't hurt to consult with a professional.
Good luck.

Q: 17/F
My mom is always mistreating my dad. You can tell she's discontented, but honestly that is her problem. She chose to marry my dad and he tries his best. He just got over his depression and she is there to pull him out of every good mood that follows. This relationship makes me unhappy and very sympathetic for my dad. I've said so much, but she is immune to anything I say. She refuses to go to family counseling. I'll admit, my family doesn't have any baggage rooting from the past, but there is no point of being in a relationship if you aren't going to appreciate the person. Help...how can I change her outlook?

While your mum choose to marry your dad, your dad also choose to marry her as well, and from the sounds of things, every day he continues to choose to stay married to your mum. While it is sad to see your parents constantly in conflict with each other, it's important for you to maintain your own level of sanity. This can be achieved by recognizing what you can control in your parents' marriage, and that is nothing. None of the fighting is your fault, and there is nothing you can ever do to make any thing right between your parents. Their issues will only be successfully resolved if both sides make a decision to put the conflicts to an end, or one or both sides makes a decision to dissolve the marriage. Sorry you don't have the power to change your mother's outlook.
Take care of yourself.

Q: My mom and I have not had a good relationship my whole life. I've always lived with my grandparents exept for sometimes my mom wated me to stay with her and I did but it never lasted long. Now she lives in the basement at my grandparents house but stays at her boyfriends apartment a lot of the time. I thought we have been getting along for the last few months but lately she has been getting really mad really easy. I don't see her hardly ever anymore and when I do see her she thinks of a way to make me seem like I did something wrong and I'm such a bad kid and I'm honestly not, my grandma always tells me how good I am for being a 16 year old girl. We fight everyday that we see eachother and its always about 5 minutes after saysing hi to eachother. Every time we get done fighting I end up crying when she leaves. She is getting her own house soon with her boyfriend but its going to be about 30 minutes away from my school and all my friends. (My 1/2 sister lives 45 mins away and she wants to be closer to her) She said I could stay at my school just tell them I live with my grandparents. I've told her I don't want to drive to school for 30 mins everyday especally with gas prices risin. And I don't want to be that far away from my friends. I've tried talking her into moving closer but she wont so there is no use in bringing that up. I'm trying to convince her to let me live with my grandparents during the school year so I can get to school but she still says no. I can never defend myself against her because she will find a way to turn it around and make me feel even worse. Another thing is that I feel she can never accept me for who I am. Im about 200 lbs and she is constantly trying to get me to lose weight but I'm happy the way I am. I'm looking for advice on how to get our relationship to be good.

It sounds like you are more upset about being away from your friends and your grandparents rather than your relationship with your mother. This is understandable, because from the sound of things, your most consistent relationships have probably come from your grandparents and possibly friends in school. It also sounds like your mother wants to make up for lost time, by having you live with her full time until you are completely independent. Your relationship with your mother is not going to be saved if you live away from her. One thing you could start doing is seeking to understand where she is coming from, without resenting her for what she believes. You only feel worse in arguments with your mother because you believe you can change her point of view, and you can not. The only way you can feel better about expressing a difference of opinion with your mother, is to recognize that true acceptance comes from self acceptance.
Good luck

Q: me and my stepdad fight all the time, my mom always takes his side even though he is unreasonable. he tells my mother how to parent me and raise me even though i am 16 years old. it makes me so mad how he patronizes me and treats me like im 5, my mom pretends not to notice. i hate it..... ive tried talking to her all she does is tells me he loves me and that i should listen to him.
any advice?
thanks

Dear ???
I wonder how long your step dad has been in your life, versus how much contact you have with your biological father. It sounds like you feel your step dad has no right to tell you what to do. As long as you hold on to this belief, you will continue to be involved in fights with your step dad, and I doubt you will be winning any of these fights. Perhaps your step dad just came into your life, and the rules in the home for you have changed? Or he's been in your life for a while, and you feel you deserve more independence? Or you feel resentful towards him due to minimal contact with your bio dad? Your step dad and your mother are both your parents and are in a position of authority over you. This is not a dynamic you have any control over, accept what you cannot change and you can talk with someone towards understanding the true reasons you feel so resentful towards your step dad.
Good luck.

Q: This will be long, but I feel I need to give all the info for a good answer, will appreciate as many answers as possible, please and thank you. So, I am thinking of leaving the father of my child. He has not hit me in about 6 months. Before that though, I have had my head slammed into walls, hit in the back of the head with a fist, punched, thrown down, he held a knife to my throat and said he would kill me...been pushed and dragged in the woods, he said he could kill me if he wanted and cover it up because he had before, and also strangled two times, once while I was laying down breastfeeding my child. Now, the only evidence I have of this is that one of my friends saw bruises all over my body and another friend was there when I got thrown down while holding my baby. I never called the police because any time i threatened, phones have been broken and his family was very angry when my dad found out i was being abused and called the cops. his parents still do not believe their son is capable of harm and think I am full of shit. my family lives 2000 miles away. He also has broken almost everything I own that means something to me, including pictures of my dead pet and pictures of my best friend and I that are 10 years old. So my question is, without real proof, can I obtain custody of my child...and also, his family is wealthy and will buy the best lawyer around, and be there to support him, and my family is far away and i would have to settle with a public defender. I do not want my baby to never see his father, I know deep down that his dad loves him and it wouldnt be right to take him away. I just want to be the one in control so I can look out for the safety of my child. also, does it matter that he is supposedly "recovered abuser" since he has not hurt me in 6 months? I am very confused. he is also mentally abusive using words like "cunt" "stupid idiot" and "your the stupidest person I have ever met". He does not consider that abuse though. So any input on the outlook of my case if i decide to pursue it would be very helpful, and is there anything i can do about all my belongings that he has smashed and ruined? (one such item was worth $250) thanks very much

My advice to you is to physically remove your self and your child from a dangerous situation immediately. When you are dead, you are dead; no amount of legal justice will bring you back. You will not lose custody of your child, a mother only loses custody of her child if she poses a proven threat to the child's safety. For example, drug use or physical abuse. But with two witnesses to your abuse, (one able to testify the bruises on your body and the other who witnessed you get assaulted,) what more do you need? It sounds like you already know what to do, but feel frightened. If this is the case, your fear is understandable, but you shouldn't let it cloud your judgment. Your safety is the most important, please take action quickly.

Q: I live in a small town of 1200 in the middle of nowhere. I hate it here. I'm destined to be somewhere else like Hollywood. I know I can make it there, but I just need help getting there.

First off my parents tell me I won't make it and I know they won't help me pursue my dreams. I won't give up. I will do it on my own, but I'm not sure how just yet. So what is the best way about this to go? I want to be an actress. Is it better for me to try and get an agent? Acting classes? I need all the information I can possibly get about anything that pertains to acting in Hollywood.

Second, how do I get my parents to believe in me?

It's good to see that you are determined to pursue your dreams, but giving that the field of work you are going into is notoriously inconsistent, in regards to pay, a sound advice would be for you to study a different line of work, which provides for a consistent line of support, while you find some time to pursue your dreams. If you are still in school, then finish school before you go off anywhere. Also you don't necessary have to go to Hollywood to get a taste of film industry. With outlets like youtube, you and some friends can work on putting a film together and sharing with your friends for feedback. Who knows someone with a lot of influence could discover you, you never know. For more insight, you can visit http://stats.bls.gov/OCO/OCOS093.HTM.
As for how to convince your parents to believe in you? You don't have to convince anyone to believe in you, in order to pursue a healthy passion. Everyone is entitled to their own opinions, and that should always be respected.
Good luck.

Q: I have two daughters one is eighteen and the other is twenty-three. They both live at home and they haven't gotten along for quite some time now. The older one thinks that we cater to the younger one way to much. The younger one is still in high school and has a dominating personality and is argumenative where the older one doesn't talk and is very distant and pretty much avoids life and confrontations. They are totally opposite in every way. They both work but they don't make enough to be out of the house and being that the younger one is still in high school we do not require that she be out or the older one for that matter. The older one is very angry and feels she is never comfortable or a part of the family. I don't know why she feels this way. She claims that she can't stand the younger one 90% of the time. The younger one feels she is always second when ever the older one is around. I always feel I'm in the middle because I tend to get attacked when I try to intervien when they argue and fight. The younger one is putting so much stress on us financially and mentally because of her demands. I know that it is our fault, but because she has always struggled in school and now she is finally excelling and we are pretty much spoiling her because of it. My older daughter is very angry because of it. She feels the younger one doesn't deserve anything because of her bad attitude and rudeness. We are afraid that if we don't give in she will not further excell, she has done so well and we are afraid she won't try no more. The older one never received things and really never asked for anything as near as the younger one has. When the older one was younger we were not as financially set as we are now. I feel so drained in everyway and I cry because I don't know what to do. I have always prayed that they will get along but it doesn't look good. I worry so much about the older one because she feels so left out and thinks everyone in her family treats her like crap. I have so much guilt about both of my daughters for different reasons. My husband steps in if he's home, or if he sees that I'm getting upset. Most of the time these arguments happen when he's not home. I have so much more to share but that would probably take alot more space. What should I do for my daughters? I'm so proud of the fact that they both work and are doing good for themselves but I just wish they could get along and not make me feel that it's all our fault and that they feel they are not treated equally.

It sounds like you have done a good job in nurturing both your daughters. At the ages of 18 and 23, you shouldn't be experiencing any feelings of guilt, since it appears that both your daughter are capable of adjusting to the realities of life and doing well. The 23 year old doesn't have a leg to stand on, considering that most 23 year olds don't live with their parents, the same applies to the 18 year old, you and your husband should not have to spoil her as an incentive to succeed in school. It's for her own benefit after all. It not uncommon for parents, especially mothers, to have a fear of an empty nest when their children reach the age of maturity. But this is a reality all of us as parents have to face one day. My advice to you is to first set firm boundaries for peace in your household with your daughters, in the event your boundaries for peace are broken; with the 23 year old, you should give her a time period to move out on her own, and with the 18 year old, you can stop buying needless things for her. Of course habits are challenging to change so you will probably need to work on being assertive with the help of a therapist. Secondly, perhaps you can focus your energies on you and your husband enjoying more of your time together, now that your children are grown. Perhaps a vacation to the Bahamas? Go ahead, spoil yourself for a change.

Q: im a 15 year old guy.

i recently came home drunk and my mom called the ambulence (wasn't even really needed). After talking to my mom about my grades and me not going out for awhile (so i already felt like shit), I go check the mail and I got a bill for $730 from the hospital (she thought it would be like $150 max). I havent told my mom about it yet and i dont know how im going to. I dont know how im going to pay that bill, my mom sure as hell doesnt have the money and i dont either. I feel like im really fucking up my life, i just keep getting deeper and deeper in this shit and i want out. I keep getting caught ditching school (which im not going to do anymore). I used to really be a good kid but in the past 6 months all that has changed. Every time i mess up i think it cant get any worse and then it does. I know if i keep going down this path my life will be trash, and i dont want that I want a fresh start but I know I won't get one, so i really dont know what im going to do.

I read your question and wonder if you have an alcohol and maybe drug problem? Otherwise I am not sure what else is going that you feel your life is spiraling out of control, and more importantly why your mother would feel the need to call the ambulance because you were drunk. Your insurance should cover the ambulance fees, otherwise you can always get a part time job and pay the hospital the ambulance fee in payments. As for ditching school, I would advice that you stop, and talk to your teachers about how you can catch up, (most teachers are always willing to help a student who has gone astray). However if drug use is in the mix, these solutions may not be that simple, and I would suggest you seek help with a school counselor, or a drug counselor in the community, and confide with your mother. Either way there are solutions to what you are going through, the first step will be with you being completely honest with your self.
Good luck.

Q: Idont care what you people say im goint to runaway idk when all i know is it will be after my sis leaves for school i cant stand my house and my families all i want are tips on how to make money and get a place to stay i dont have shelters around or anything of the sort i have some good older friends that are alduts and they may keep me for a night or two but not long enough im 14 and this isnt rebellion like some of you say it is i love my family but i cant stand it any more and i live in sesser a small town in il so i just want to know how to get out of here please

Considering your age, I would guess your skills for gainful employment are pretty limited, and even if they weren’t, you can not be legally employed anywhere in the United States until you are sixteen. Even if you happened to be sixteen, your parents have legal authority over you until your are eighteen years of age. This means that in the event you were to runaway, they would report you missing, and in the event you ran into a law enforcement officer, they would have the right to apprehend you and return you home. Given that it is illegal to employ someone your age, any one who willfully employs you is probably up to no good, and looking to take advantage of you. Regardless of gender, most runaway teens your age usually end up getting forced into illegal labor, such as drug trafficking or becoming sex slaves and many more never live to tell their stories.
I am sorry, I know I am going against your request here, but the best tip I have for you is not to run. Perhaps write back and tell me about what adversities you are experiencing in your home?
Good luck.

Q: im 28 and my girlfriend is 32. she has two girls daughters one is almost 2 the other is 14. the 14 year old has a father that is not in her life. her step dad (father of the 2 year old) who she didn't like past away. she tells her mom that she cannot see me. how could I make this better? we really want to be together.

You are wise to identify this as a problem, the 14 y/o like any other 14 y/o, has the power to make life difficult for everyone in the home. It sounds like your girlfriend and her daughters have been traumatized by relationships with men in their lives and these issues need to be processed before you both take things to the next level. (I strongly suggest you both see a couples or family therapist).
What needs to happen is for your girlfriend to reassert herself as the authority in the household with the 14 y/o. With the loss of the father of her two year old, I imagine she has come to depend a lot on the 14 year old for emotional support. It’s also understandable that the 14 y/o wouldn’t want any man in her mother’s life, considering that she has been and continues to be abandoned by her own father. So it would also help to involve the 14 y/o in the therapy sessions to afford her an opportunity to process and resolve her concerns and fears about you.
Another possibility is that your girlfriend might be using the 14 year old as a shield, because she doesn’t quite trust you? I imagine she’s not just looking for a mate, but also a consistent father figure in the lives of her daughters.
Keep in mind that by committing yourself in a long term relationship with your girlfriend, you should also be committing yourself to a life long relationship as the father of these girls. So before you begin to tackle issues the 14 y/o has with your presence, you need to be honest with yourself as to whether you are prepared and committed for the responsibilities accompanied with a long term relationship between you, your girlfriend and her daughters.
Good Luck

Q: Ok so for the past pear or so my mom has been very negative towards me... She is always putting me down and telling me I cant do things. I can even ask her a simple question without her turning it into somthing bad and yelling at me for it. I used to be able to talk to her and now Im afraid to say anything. I tried talking to her about it but she turns it all around and makes me feel guilty for telling her how I feel... Let me tell you that I have had depression since I was 12 and have gone through some very tramatic things that kinda makes fear anything sexual which my mom doesnt seem to care because her and her boyfriend are worse than a couple of hormornal teenagers and they are loud... It gets tot he point were I start crying and have to turn music up really loud.... She just yells of course If I ask her to not dot hat stuff when im around.... Im honestly lost here and it doesnt help that I have this depression hanging over me! I dont know what to do... and im sorry this is so long hahah I just keep alot in

It sounds like you feel you have to compete for your mother’s attention with her boyfriend. It also sounds that you have made a number of attempts to share your feelings with her but things haven’t worked out for you. The best advice I can give to you is to work with a counselor to address your thoughts and feelings on this sensitive issue, as well as the depression you experience. Perhaps you could focus on communicating issues that are sensitive to you. A possibility of what could be going on between you and your mother is that when you attempt to talk to her about your feelings, she perceives you as being hostile and attacking, and from her point of view she responds in kind. Another option would be to calmly suggest to your mother about your desire for you both, (and maybe her boyfriend) to get into some family counseling. Either way I am sure you and your mother love each and this is situation that can be resolved.
Good luck

Q: My boyfriend had been living at my house for almost a month. Everything was going great, he was getting along really well with my siblings and parents and everything. On Saturday my dad came home early from work and walked in on me and my boyfriend having sex. My dad got really angry and said "YOU CAN LEAVE NOW!" to my boyfriend and saying things like "HE'S NOT LEAVING FAST ENOUGH!" to me. I can understand how walking in on us having sex would upset him a lot and I understand that it's his house and everything and that we were being disrespectful and all, but at this point he still won't let my boyfriend back in the house and things are still really awkward between all of us. This SUCKS. I really miss my boyfriend living with me and we don't know how to make it right with my dad. What should I do? HELP!

Sounds like a relationship you take seriously. I wonder what your boyfriend’s situation is that he would have to move in with your family. If you are both of legal age (18 +) and out of high school. It would make sense, where you would both sit down together, and plan for a place to stay together and possibly a future. If you are both minors, you might want to consider slowing things down a bit. It’s inevitable that someone in your family would walk in on you both. With a live in boyfriend in your family home, you both are never going to get the privacy you desire, and awkward situations like this are bound to come up. Your father probably feels betrayed and inconvenienced, in regards to providing shelter for someone he did not father, and creating a situation where you are at risk of getting pregnant before a preferable time. It doesn’t sound like your boyfriend will ever be allowed back in the house, regardless, talk to your parents about your thoughts and feelings on the matter, and keep an open mind to what they have to say, that should ease a lot of the tension.

Q: i asked my mom if she could take me to my boyfriends house, and she said no so i started to flip out at her. so i called my boyfriend and said sorry i cant getta ride there. and he said why so i explained to him what my mom said. and then my mom grabbed the portable outta my hand and threw it out the window. then she said "give me your cell phone" i threw a fit and ran upstairs and locked my door and texted my boyfriend saying "my moms going physco, shes taking my cell away, ily" and then i went to my bed to 'fake cry' "dont take my cell away stop it!" and she knocked my door down, and started crying "laura, i cant tell you why, but i need your cell phone, i cant tell you, ou wouldnt understand, i cant tell you, im sorry" and she started sobbing on me andi started crying on her, so i took my battery out i was like fine.. here. and she was liek "i need the whole phone!" andi threw another fit and she just left with half of my phone... does anyone have any idea whats going on? my mom never asks me for anything and she always gives me what i want.. but whats happening!???

It sounds like your mother didn’t feel comfortable with you being at your boyfriends, and rather than bluntly telling you, her anger got the best of her. I don’t know how old you are, but it sounds like your mother feels you shouldn’t have a boyfriend, or you are too young to be placed in a situation where you are likely to engage in sexual behaviors with your boyfriend. Give up the cell phone battery, wait a few days until she seems calm and talk to your mother. Share with her your feelings about her behavior and keep an open mind in listening to what she has to say in response. If you “flip out” when you hear something you don’t like, the whole scenario will likely play it self out again. And this time it might be an ipod or something else that gets seized.

Q: 13/f

My family is always arguing and yelling. Once my parents were fighting and my dad almost left, I was in my room crying. But of course I think everybody would be. Well then they worked it out and he stayed but lately they have started fighting again and then my little 11 year old brother is getting in trouble everyday. Which makes my mom always yelling at him and then sometimes things come in with me and I start yelling because everybody else is. I hate it! I have cryed every single night that I can remember. I have cut myself once but not badly. I also promised myself I would never do it again. So that isn't much of my problem. I have tried talking to them about it but they are never happy and they never want to talk to me. I know for a fact they love me though. I try to get away from home as much as possible too. Also if no one is fighting then they are complaining. I hardly ever yell, I just stay in my room and try to block it all out or call my friends or go online or something. There is no abuse or anything so its good there. So if anyone can give me advice on what to do, thanks so much! And sorry it was long.

You know, if members of your family choose to yell and scream at each other, that does not mean you should do the same. It sounds like you feel you should be controlling the situation and preventing everyone from fighting. It’s not your fault that your parents have problems in their marriage and it’s also not your fault that your younger brother has been getting into trouble. At the end of the day all you can do is to calmly say what’s on your mind, preferably after the fighting is over and accept the fact that you can’t change your family. I am glad to read that you have stopped cutting, please if the urge ever resurfaces; I suggest you see a therapist. You are only responsible for your own words and actions, the best you can do is recognize and accept what you can’t control and hope for the best.

Q: hello so i need to runaway from here (my home) i love my family but latley they have been asking the world from me and even when I talk to them they still dont stop my mom had surgy (historectmy) and my dad hurt his back so i know i should help out but when they werent hurt they still asked us (me and my sister) to do it all i guess when my other sis was here Kas it wasnt as much but they still didnt do anythin I cant stand it Ash can leave after this year to college and I have 4 more years any help on all this i really think runing away is the best thing to do but were to go what to do i mean i cant just walk out but i cant live on the streets of sesser so what can i do if i do run away

It sounds like you feel unappreciated and taken advantaged of. I don't know how running away is going to solve this problem for you. As an adult, I can share with you that it pays to have some type of contact with your family as an adult.
There are no rules that dictate that no one is entitled to not experience any family discords. Running away is not the answer. If you do so it will likely become a pattern of behavior in all facets of your life concerning commitment, which will be destructive to your health.
Your parents are going through a hard time, while your aungish is understandablea, be there for them. Your running away will only add to their hurt and pain. I would suggest taking some alone time to yourself everyday, say an hour, and informing your parents about your need for some alone time to mentally recharge.
Also talk to a school counselor who can guide you to some resources in the community if your family is struggling financially.
Stay strong and good luck.

Q: My dad is leaving next year. My parents are divorcing. My mom doesn't even have a job so I don't even know what we're going to do. My dad is always yelling. My mom's always blaming me for everything. My dad hates me & I don't even know why. My parents are always talking about how smart my brother is & why can't I be like him. I get grounded if I don't make A's in every subject like my brother. My cousin is in the hospital. My grandfather has cancer & won't be living much longer. I can't talk to anyone but three of my close friends about anything, but I hardly see them anymore. Two of my best friends got separated from me because they changed the school districts. Another one of my best friends just got transferred to another school starting Monday. Two more of my best friends go to my school, but I never see them, so it's pointless. Another one of my best friends...my parents won't even let me hang out with. I ended up breaking off the friendship with five of my close friends last year because they started drinking & changing & all they do is spread rumors about me & gossip/talk about me now when I see them. God, I can't take all of this. How can I deal with everything that's going on?

When I read your situation, I get the feeling of drowning, and a desperate desire to come up for air. First of all make some time for you to take a deep breath, and take things in stride. Kudos to you for not drinking, and spreading rumors, (at least that’s the impression I got) you sound like a principled person.
You get grounded for not getting As’ in every subject? Wow, you must be bright, I know parents who require that their kids just “pass” their classes.
All of the scenarios you have described are situations you have no control over or bare any fault to; parents’ divorce, your brother being Einstein, your cousin and your granddad’s both being ill, you and your friends growing apart..
I would suggest that you talk to your parents, about your feelings of being compared to your brother, but be prepared for them to disagree with you. The purpose of talking to them is to simply get things off your chest, and learn to accept things you can’t change. As for your cousin and granddad, be there for them the best you can and hope for the best. As for your friends, accept the change and keep an open mind; an open mind to make new friends.
Best of luck

Q: I am a 17-year old girl about to go to college. I absolutely love my family. However, recently my dad has been acting harshly towards my mom, but not in an abusive way- he doesn't specify where he's going when he's going out, for example, and expects her to take it. They've been married 26 years, but he doesn't show her a lot of affection -and she has complained to me about it. Now I have proof that he is having an affair. The only problem is is that this proof is his text messages - things I shouldn't be looking at. I couldn't help myself, and I know it was wrong. However, now that I know should I do and/or say something? I am absolutely heartbroken and shocked, but more than that is the fact that my mom doesn't deserve this. Is there anything I can do? Please help me.

My heart goes out to you, for being in such a sad situation. The truth is, your mother doesn’t need proof of any kind that your father is unfaithful in the marriage to address and take action on her issues with his blatant behaviors towards her. If you tell your mother, what do you expect will come of it? Also if you tell your father, what are your expectations from that confrontation? The bottom line is that this is your parents’ marriage and not yours, and while as their child you are psychologically affected by what’s going on presently and what happens in the near future. I would suggest you process your thoughts and feelings over your father’s behavior with a therapist in your area, and continue to lend your mother an open ear. So long as your mother isn’t being physically abused, I would let the situation play itself out.
-Good luck.

bio

Ugo is a licensed professional counselor in Arizona. He holds a Bachelors in Psychology and a Masters of Science in Counseling Psychology. He is also the host of Road 2 Resolutions, a web site dedicated to addressing questions on mental health issues and conflict resolution issues.
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