Dear Readers:
I think my life experience is what qualifies me to write this column. I made every mistake imaginable. But have learned from them. Most important I still remember what it was like to be 12, 13, 14, 15, and so on. Currently I am a single mom, I have two wonderful boys. One in college. We are all happy emotionally. We love life, and know that you can too. I try to be the kind of parent that understands. I know that I can help you to understand where you parents are coming from, and help you get over the difficulties of being young. You can even have your parents write to me and I will help them to get over their fears and at least respect you and your feelings. I have been married and divorced twice, so I have experience in that field also. But now I own my own home, and my own business and am successful. Lots of luck to you! Hope to hear from you.
Website: Ask Michele
E-mail: cobweb2@comcast.net
Gender: Female
Location: Connecticut
Occupation: accountant, internet marketing, creative writing
Age: 56
Member Since: March 22, 2005
Answers: 1331
Last Update: June 20, 2010
Visitors: 84131
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i feel suffocated around my family because i ALWAYS hang out with them and it is boring and whenever i hang out with my friends my mom WOULD keep calling me and annoying me about what time im coming home, always worried about me even though i dont go out with my friends that much because of my mom and my family, im already 19 and its still like this and thats why i dont feel happy when i hang out with my family because i always hang out with them anyway, is there anyway i can hang out with my friends longer? sometimes i cant enjoy hanging out with my friends because my mom would call me asking where i am all the time. (link)
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Trust is the most important bond that you need to create with your family now. I am surprised to hear that you are 19, and your mother still calls you often when you are out with friends. Time to let go. You're mom may just be overly cautious and have a lot of anxiety about you getting in an accident or something. Well not much you can do about that. I mean the chances are slim to none, but if she doesn't believe it now, when will she ever.
But if it is just a matter of trusting you to do the right thing, when confronted with drinking too much, or drugs, or guys who are jerks...then you need to verbalize to her that you are smarter than that, and not about to jeopardize your future over something like that.
Good luck to you
Michele
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My mom is very controlling and easily jealous. My freshman year of highschool I did very bad in school. Ever since then I have worked very hard. My cummalitive gps is now a 3.6 I worked really hard and pretty much gave up a big portion of my social life. I've always wanted to go to college away and live there. I'm a junior now and I was talking to my mom about colleges I'd like to attend. Her response was "what you can't leave me, if you go away I'm not giving
you any money for college" so I later said to her "me and Hillary are going to get an aparment and go to a college close by and it will be cheaper anyway." my mom says "what no I don't think so, your not living with her. If you two want to live at our house then that's fine and you should just go to the college down the street." it's literally right down the street, I could walk there. That was how the conversation was
pretty left. But then one time we were talking about where i'd like to live after college and I move out. I was like "when I'm older and married I'd like to move to south Carolina, or somewhere like that" my mom had a very similar response
to the one about college. I can't tell her when I have boyfriends or anything because she gets crazy jealous. She also tells me way too much and wants too much from me. This one time my friend and I were going to this concert we were excited about for months. The day before my mom goes "I don't really want you going there I'll buy you a new coach purse and matching wallet if you don't"..how could I pass an offer like that up? She does this all the time and I just don't
know what to say or do anymore...help!? (link)
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Hi Dear,
You're going to have to learn to pass up offers like a new coach purse and matching wallet. If you don't understand yet that all offers come with strings attached, then you will be accepting gifts from people who are up to no good.
You want your mom to change and become more flexible, less controlling, less jealous and less needy. Well she has to want to change, you can't change her.
But I agree that you should go away to college. (assuming there is money for that) And that of course you should spend some time sharing an apartment with a friend so you learn about supporting yourself and all the responsibilities that go along with that. You're mom should be encouraging you to do that. Not holding you back.
If you were my daughter and we working hard to keep your grades up enough to get into a good college, and/or were living on your own and supporting yourself by working hard, I would buy you a matching coach bag and wallet as a gift to show you how proud I am of you and to acknowledge that you are smart enough to realize that you have bills to pay and responsibilities, and they come first...before you can buy your own coach bag. (I hope I am making myself clear.)
Your mom's problems with neediness and control started long before you were born. You can't fix them. Be sure that she will also start to use guilt to keep you at home with you, when the promise of gifts stop working.
If you let your mom win this control game using guilt or wonderful gifts, you'll never have a life and you'll never be your own person.
Stand up for yourself. This world is a wonderful place and with an education you can go far and have control over your life and destiny.
Don't settle for anything less.
- Michele
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Hi, my moms some sort of an alcoholic. Well, the other day my dad and i went to go buy a fake christmas tree that was very costy because we wanted one that looked real. Well, (my parents dont talk to each other because of my mothers behavior) i asked her last night if i could put the tree up. She said what tree? i said my father and i purchased a tree in sears, since we all have new cars and don't want to scratch them, we cant go pick up one. she freaked out telling me to tell my dad to return it, were not celebrating christmas or my 17th birthday this year (dec 22). i calmly asked "why?", she said my sister (21) said not to. So I called her out saying that is bullshit because my sister called me crying saying my mother said were not celebrating christmas this year. I called my sister, put her on speaker and said "why is mom saying your the one who told her not to celebrate christmas" melissa said "mom said...... what....!?" "Mom said you told her not to celebrate christmas" she said "why is she blaming me?!" i said "i dont know what her deal is but shes being a little bitch, and i have you on speaker right now in front of her and she is just embarrassed for lying to me." my sister said "i cant believe you mom, what the fuck" and i hung up.
So, me having temper problems i started screaming at her (i cant help it, i swear). i started throwing things and i took her alcohol and hid it for all of our sake. she opens the fridge for a beer and screams "GOD DAMNIT WHERE THE FUCK DID YOU PUT MY BEER?!?!!!?" she pushed me against the wall and started searching the entire house, not sure if she found it or not. She said "im calling the police on you to take you away". she locked me out of the house while i am sick, in 25 degree weather, snowing. i texted my friend to come get me and she did. so basically i just left my house without letting her know, nothing new there.
this christmas will be really embarrassing because my sisters boyfriend from england (they want to get married) is staying with us from the 21st-jan 8th. and if he sees that my mother isnt allowing us to celebrate my birthday, christmas eve, and christmas day, he'll think differently of us. my moms never been like this before. but every christmas she refuses to open presents with the entire family. she seperates my fathers presents from hers. she makes my sister and i sit in the kitchen while opening her presents, not our living room with the tree. then, after we open all of them, we go to my father. in his office to open his presents. my dads upset that my mom wont allow us to open presents as a family. but, whatever. its something that i cant change i guess..
i called my boyfriend (19) crying telling him what happened. he said that i can come to his grandparents christmas eve celebration in long island (i live in ny) his mother already said i was welcome. and his dads christmas celebration at his grandparents house on christmas day. welll, i never met ryans grandparents/side of the family in long island. i think that would be weird if i did go, they would ask me why im not with my family. i will get upset, and start crying over it. and his dad is an asshole and just calls everyone out on every little mistake so he would make me tell what happened to his entire family on christmas day. another thing that would make me upset. (theres nothing to control his dads behavior, unless if he is on medication)
i am supossed to go to my grandmothers house in ct for christmas eve like every year, excluding my mother. i really want to meet ryans extended family on that side but i dont want to have to tell them about my mothers behaviors.. i think it would be a little weird for me to be there considering he has cousins my age (16, almost 17.. will be 17 at the time) uncles, aunts, family friends, & whoever else.
i really need help. i dont know what to do, this is one huge clusterfuck.
i dont want to go home. if i do, im going to throw another fit. but my dad will be home tonight to help out if i do... what should i do about this? please keep in mind that i have huge temper/emotional problems..
thank you in advance for reading this, all help is appreciated. (link)
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I am so sorry for your troubles. Your mom is an alcoholic. Everything she does revolved around drinking. Of course she is embarassed by it, and wants to hide from everyone the extent of how much she drinks each day, but she is consumed by it. I don't know why she is so mad at your dad, and that he does nothing about her drinking. Most likely when he does get the courage to bring it up, she blames him. This is classic. All alcoholics do that. Sure your dad may have done something to piss your mom off, maybe he cheated on her, and they won't work together to resolve it, and they won't separate. Probably they tell themselves they are staying together for the sake of the kids. But look what they are making you live with. Their anger, resentment, lack of communication, guilt and substance abuse.
You are righ to be upset, you are right to be mad. It is not wonder you are mad and have emotional problems like outbursts. You have no normal role models. Your mom needs an intervention, but people have to care to do that. It is a difficult task. One that I dont think your father is up to.
You can't fix this problem, but you do have to distance yourself from it. And here let me give you a warning.....As much as you hate your mothers drinking and her bahvior, statistics show that your chances of growing up to be just like her are great, again, because she is your role model. So just keep that in mind for the future.
You need to distance yourself from your family as much as possible. If you have friends and a boyfriend, spend as much time with their families as you can. By all means you should go over to your boyfriends grandparents for Christmas. And you don't have to explain to anyone why you are there. It is no one's business. What kind of people would ask a guest in their home on a holiday, "why are you here and not with your family?" That is very impolite. They should be honored with your presence. And if anyone does ask, just have an answer prepared and repeat as often as necessary. Like, Oh I wanted to get to know (boyfriend's name) family. he always tells me such wonderful stories about his family. It is very normal for young people to want to be with their friends on the holidays. Then you can always say, my family has it's big day on Christmas Day. Whatever.
The fact that you are so worried about what his father MAY say to you, shows that you are trying to control things before they even happen. this is proof that you are growing up in a very chaotic household. Watch out for that. You'll have a very unhappy life ahead of you if you try to control things all the time.
When and if you do get out of this dysfunctional family you are going to need some therapy so you don't end up like any of them.
Good luck to you dear. And yes, I know, because I have been there. I can't remember ever having a nice Christmas with my parents.
Michele
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my 8 year old niece kicked me in the chest 4 TIMES while she had her tennis shoes on becouse I popped her 6 year old brother on the hand becouse he told me that he hated after I had just got through telling him that I loved him I usually tell him that every day so my mom took me to the hospital to make sure everything was alright and the doctor said that my chest was badly bruised and that my blood pressure was over 140 over 95 and then after that he asked me if I wanted to press chatges of course I said no I mean it's my niece for crying out loud she probally wouldn't even know what was going on we told her we needed time to think up a good punishment for does anybody have any ideas it's to late to spank her we should have spanked her right away but my mom was to worried about getting me to the doctor to think about it iam 0 years old if that helps. (link)
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Seems to me that there is enough violence going on in your family. You don't need to add to it. The violence is escalating. Do you think your nephew should file charges against you for "popping" him? Bet he thinks he should be able to. Ah, but you think your hitting your nephew was justified, but you don't think your niece was justified. Well none of it is OK, all of it is against the law in civilized countries, and there are better way to deal with things that don't involve violence.
To punish someone for bad behavior, first you tell them that you are gravely dissapointed in them, then you remove priviledges. If you ground someone one for a week or take away TV or Video games, that sends a message ,but you HAVE to stick to your punishment. Don't change your mind after three days. If you say a week it is a week. Mark it on the calendar.
Please stop the violence.
- Michele
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Michele, i took a look at what you've done for others and i just want to tell you how amazing you are.You've helped so many peole! You are one of a kind....thank you for being who you are and for being there. If the world had more people like you, it would be a better place! You inspire me and make me want to be a better person. I admire you. You make people feel better. Thank you angel...
Marie (link)
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Wow. what a great compliment that you pay me. Thank you dear. Wish my kids felt the same way. Sometimes they make fun of me. But I know they really love me, and they have turned out OK, because I was there, they just think they did it all on their own. Yeah, kids are funny that way.
You sound like a smart girl. I wonder if you are an adviser also. In any event. You made my day!
I do enjoy being on this site and helping people.
Thanks for reading my column.
And hey, I learned all I know the hard way. By making mistakes. The big difference is....I learned from them. Some people make the same ones over and over again and wonder why things don't change.
Anyway, if you can read what I wrote and think it is good advice, then that means you must have a head on your shoulders too. So you'll be OK. So people like you and me have to keep telling other people, (when they care to listen) that things can be better.
Thank you again dear.
Michele
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My relationship with my mother is not too good. I'm not looking to make her my best friend but I do want to improve our relationship but the only problem is her.
Everytime I walk into the same room as her, she's always down my throat about one thing or another! She doesn't ask nicely at all but instead, she yells at me. I've asked her to stop doing this but she never does!
She yells at me, cusses me out or calls me bad words, and threatens me even if I haven't done anything wrong. I don't do anything to provoke her, I don't even leave the house unless it's for school or work, so I can't be doing something wrong.
I've gotten to a point in my life where I feel like I should just change my goals/life plans so I could move out and be away from her. The only problem is that there's no way I could move out, support myself, and still go to college.
I don't know what to do and that is why I'm turning to different people for advice. How do I deal with this for the next two years? (Keep in mind that I go to a community college, therefore, I have to live at home!) (link)
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YOu didn't give me a lot of information about your mother so let me throw some things out there. Do you think she could be jealous of you? Is there anything going on in her life that would make her so miserable? Is she divorced, or if married, does she treat your dad the same way? Or bothers and sisters you may have? Does she have financial problems, or thinks she has financial problems? Could she be on drugs or alcohol? If none of those things are true, that I would guess that she does have feelings of inadequacy and sees you growing up and having alife and a future and is sort of jealous. This is not uncommon, but many moms don't realize that what they feel is jealousy.
I think you are right to try and turn things around rather than run away. Looking back on it, say 10 years from now, those two years will seem small. Some day you WILL be on your own, and I bet your relationship with your mom will be better. But I do have some suggestions.
Try to give your mom a compliment. I know sounds corny, but I have done this before successfully (with co-workers, but people are people) Now the compliment has to be sincere and sound sincere to her or she won't believe it.
And by compliment I don't mean about her looks, unless she is that shallow - make it about her tasks, her capabilities. Especially something that helped you out. Here are some examples.
"Mom, I am so glad that you told me to stay away from so and so, you were right about him/her. She/He was just going to use me."
Or, "Mom, I am so glad that I took your advice and took that class on _________. I really enjoy it and am doing well in it."
You could also try, when she starts an argument, you could say, "yes I know, you are right" or "yes I know, I agree with you". When you tell a person that is yelling, that they are correct in what they are saying, it kind of takes the winds out of their sails. What else can they say, you already said they were right. And you must not be sarcastic in your statements, you must be sincere. There must be something that your mother does well, that you can complement her on. And as you get better at it, you can also start to compliment her on her looks, or her cooking, or her house or her garden or her brain.
And this is what I am hoping will happen. She will slowly but surely turn around and you two will become good friends.
So my advice is to not change your goals and stay home so you can stay in school. I left home at 18, and never went back. I have a relationship now with my mom, but I am not happy about it. She is still a miserable person and was a lot like your mom is, when I was growing up. I didn't know how to stop it and so I left. As a result I did not get to finish college right away. In fact I just graduated from college with my Bachelor degree in 2008, at the age of 56. So I struggle all those years and raised two kids too. Sure it made me strong. And dealing with this issue with your mom in a successful way, will also make you strong.
Good luck to you, and you cna write again and let me know how you made out, if you want to
- Michele
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Hello. My names Jessica. I was wondering if you could help me or give me information on finding someone who could. I don't really know how to go about finding information out. Okay. Well, When I was about eleven my parents starting having problems. There was never physical abuse. Never really verbal abuse either. They just weren't meant to live together. My grandmother never liked my father. She thought my mother could do better. She convinced everyone that he wasn't a good father. That he did drugs all the time. That he treated us wrong. That he never wanted to try and take care of us. But that just isn't true. No one is perfect. If he's guilty of anything it's being with the wrong woman and having one to many beers accasionaly. But he was never ever violent towards me, my brother, my sister, or our mother. I remember what living with them was like. My grandmother took them to court for custody of us. As you can probably tell, she won. But, I'm fifteen now. I think I should be allowed to live with my father if I want to. My grandmother moved us to Texas (we did live in tennessee thats where all the court and custody trials went on) away from all of my family and friends. I have family that I keep in touch with, because my grandmother says I'm not allowed to have any contact with my father, my family keeps me informed on how he is doing. They recently told me that he's getting a three bedroom house, he has a good job, he lives in South Carolina now, and he loves and misses me very much. Now, I am not and have never been abused by anyone. I just really think it was wrong for my father to lose me because he couldn't afford a fancy lawyer like my grandmother. Also, they had no proof of anything my grandmother accused him of. No one even asked me what really happened there. Not even my grandmother. I just want to know if there's anyway I can get back to my father? I haven't seen him or talked to him for years. I miss him so much. It isn't right to keep me away from him. Do you have any advice? Do you know where I could get help? Please I've been trying for almost a year now, if you can tell me anything at all please do.
Thank you so much
Jessica Carver
(link)
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Dear Jessica,
I agree with the first advisor, but I also want to add something. Don't fight or act out with your grandmother just so you can have contact with your dad. Currently she holds all the cards. If she thinks she may loose you to him, she will fight all the harder and she has the power. You don't and neither does your dad. If you dad had the time and money to take her back to court, it would mean a whole of trouble for both families. He would have to accuse her of not taking good care of you, there would be an investigation, etc, etc. And then, it may all backfire and the court will decide in her favor anyway. Best to be patient and wait it out.First find out if you dad wants to contact you. I mean if you can go on the computer and leave questions on advicenator, then you should be able to email your dad. Then see how that goes. You might find that he is happy to finally have contact with you again, but that he is not ready to have you live with him. Tell her yes, you want contact with your dad, you have that right, but assure her that you are NOT going to give up the life you have with her. If she thinks you are going to do something stupid like run away, she will really restrict all of your freedom and contact with him. This is just to get her to loosen up and let you have contact. And if I were you....because you REALLY DON'T know where he is at right now. Spend the next six months staying in touch and sharing. Email, text, and phone contact. For all you know he may have a new wife or girlfriend who doesn't want you around. That could just make things worse. And you'll be the one who is hurt. Where you are now you are safe, and you are going to school, right. DO you have plans for the future, are you headed for college. Don't let the facts of your life as it is now, keep you from having a full life as an adult. YOu need to make plans to get an educatioin and be self sufficient when you are a young adult. THAT, is better than living with anyone. Being able to support yourself and not rely on anyone. But, I am not saying to give up on living with your dad. Just don't be compulsive and rush into anything. YOu could end up being sorry. Take you time to see where his head is today. You don't say that he has invited you to live with him. Living with him may just be a fantasy that you have. But you both have to want it for it to happen. And be prepared, it may not happen until you are a little older. But that is OK.
Remember he is your dad for the rest of your life. If you can't spend a lot of time together now, you can in the future. Also, you may not understand right now why your grandmother worked to get custody of you away from your parents, but some day you'll understand, and maybe you'll thank her for it. You will have all of the freedom that you want when the right time comes. When you are the right age. I know it seems like a REAL long way away. But you'll get there. Just like all the rest of us did. ONe day you'll be an adult, and no one, absolutely no one will be able to tell you what to do. UNLESS, you don't take those steps to become self-sufficient, then if you have to rely on someone for food, clothing and shelter, then yes, that person can tell you what to do. It is better that if you do live with someone in the future, be it your grandmother, mother, or father or even a boyfriend, that it is because you want to be there, not because you'd be on the street with no place else to go. Education and income is power. Work towards that goal. Then stay close to the people in your life who genuinely care about your wellbeing. As you mature, it will be easier to figure out who those people are.
Good luck to you dear.
Michele
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Okay, this is the situation. I'm almost 18 years old and planning to attend college. The main question is where. But the twist...is my mom is an alcoholic. We are very close and I honestly don't know what I would do without her. I'm afraid that if I go to college in Colorado her drinking will get worse and she will in a sense have a breakdown.. literally. But, if I go to college close to home..things might not be as bad. I want her to be okay. But I also want to follow my dreams and not let anything or anyone hold me back. Asking her to get help is out of the question. She refuses to ask for help. So that, unfortunately is not an option. What should I do? I'm so lost right now. Please help me. (link)
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Wow, this is like deja vu for me. My mom is an alcoholic also. And her illness kept me back. My father expected me to take care of her. Starting at the young age of like 15. I was hardly capable and ended up running away from home. But of course that solved nothing. IN any event, my mom has remained an alcoholic all those years. She is 82. I am 56. And I just completed my college education last year. I finally have my Bachelor's degree. I journey I started in 1972. Please don't hold back. Follow your dreams and go to college in Colorado if you want. You say you love your mother, and I believe you. But she doesn't love herself enough to stop drinking. She doesn't love you enough to see that her illness is also affecting you. It is the alcohol. It is the disease. It is insidious, but it is not your fault. You can make it your problem if you want to. Like I did, but like you said - her stopping is not an option. My mother didn't stop when my father died, or when my sister died, and her grandchildren don't want much to do with her. They didn't grow up loving her like you love your mom. Because by then she was too far gone to care. An alcoholic's emotions are numbed by the alcohol. So they don't see the pain they cause, they don't see what they are missing.
None of this is your fault. I suspect you already know that. But none of it should be your problem.
Hey, I never thought my mom would live so long. I mean she has been smoking since she was 15, and drinking, well not sure exactly when she started, but she was drinking when I was growin up so for 50 years anyway. And she is still alive. Still sharp mentally too, which is a surprise. So leaving to go away to college will not mean the end of your mother. I wish I had finished college in only four years. I wish I had moved out of state too. But I didn't. There is an old saying. God protects childen and drunks. And it seems to be true, at least in my mothers case. If your mom were a good parent and clear thinking, she would never, never allow you to put your life on hold for her. So please make your plans to go to the college of your choice. YOu can be supportive of your mom, you can be sympathetic and you can listen, but the best thing you can do is not ENABLE her when her drinking interfers with normal everyday life. When she complains, you can say, but mom you have a choice, you don't have to drink. Or something to that affect. I think you know what I mean. And yes, I know it will be hard, and there will be guilt feelings. And it wasn't until I had my own kids. (I have two) that I realized she was not a good mom, and not deserving of all my love and respect and putting my dreams on hold so I could feel sorry for her, along with her and enable her to wallow in her illness. Once I had my own kids, I asked myself, how could someone do that to their own kids. You have no idea what she put me through in high school.
Today she still depends on me, but I hold her at arms length. I would never let her live with me and my boys. She is not a pleasant person.
You need to grow and mature and gain confidence, employable skills, new friends and because the amazing person that I know you can be. Your mom had a chance, she chose not to let her light shine. Don't do that to yourself. And who knows, where there is life there is hope. Without you around she may just get better. She won't have you around to feel sorry for her or to help her feel sorry for herself. YOu have to find your path and follow it. Or you'll regret it. My live could have been so much different if I had a mom who encouraged me to better myself, instead of one who was afraid of the world, and made me afraid too. And depended on me too much, and I let the guilt work on me. Please take the life that you have been lucky enough to have been given by God, or Spirit or Fate, whatever you believe in, and go forward.
Good luck to you
- Michele
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For weeks I have been iffy about even writing this.
I am young 18 and just got married in August. I am pregnant that is not why we got married but I think we rushed into it. We were planning the wedding already had my wedding dress before i found out I was Pregnant.
Sometimes I find myself regretting getting marred My reasons. I wanted to work days and go to school nights. It would be tough but id be able to better myself for me and my family he through a fit and didnt support me at all. told me either work or go to school but advises me to work because we need the money. Being pregnant I have my mood swings like most if we have an argument its all my fault he will yell at me and blame me then make me feel guilty by saying oh its always all my fault i forgot your so perfect. sometimes he makes im crap. If i feel nauses or sick at night or anything and he wants sex he pouts and acts like he is mad by not saying a workd until he gets it then goes to sleep. he goes hunting, fishing, baseball teams and tournaments etc. anything he wants and i dont argue about it i just let him.
I have asked a million times to look harder for a job. he works 2 days aweek at a sale barn doing something he likes i work full time on my swallon feet 40+ hours a week and come home exhausted and tired. its like he dont care he doesnt want to even try to look he put an app. in at burgerking one app.. in 5 weeks? we live at my dads. which i dont feel is save but dont have a choice. hes lazy
and to top it off he always wants to spend money. i used to get food stamps which just stopped but hed want a gallon of tea every 2 days. go out and buy food he wants all the time because hes to lazy to cook one thing or wait for it to get done. as soon as he gets paid he goes and spends most of the money on garbage food and gets mad when i tell him i dont want it id rather eat food i cook at home.
I love my husband to death trust me and want to work things out but i dont know what to do i talk to him about it and itslike it is in one ear and out the other. (link)
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Hi Dear,
I am soooo sorry to hear about your troubles. You sound like a sensible girl, and even though you got married young, you are ready to make a committement to have a life and a family with your child and your husband. I know how it feels. I have been there. And you are doing the righ thing. Trouble is....you don't have a partner. Your husband is like having a teenage boy around. Wait until that baby is born. Then you'll understand who deserves your undivided attention, your hard work and your dedication AND sacrifice.
While you'll expect your adult husband to be willing to do all the same things you are willing to do to raise a happy, healthy well adjusted baby. You'll be sorely dissapointed. You'll feel like you have a young baby who needs you and depends on you, and a teenage son, who is selfish and angry. Because that is what I see coming down the road. He acts selfish now. You don't mention at all anything he does for you. YOUR PREGNANT!. You need rest, nutrition, and TLC. (tender loving care.) He is just worried about his own pleasures and needs. All of your complaints are valid. He is not going to change. You say you love him to death. Wait, you won't love him for long. Six months from now,you are going to hate him.
Believe it, you two will end up divorced. But that will not be the end of your life. You sound strong and sensible. That baby needs at least one good parent. Looks like that is you.
I know it is hard, but it is not impossible. I went through the same thing. Ended up haveing two kids with my "teenager of a husband". After the second one I got so depressed because I felt like now I have two babies to take care of and a big old teenage son (my husband) and I am the only one who is worried about where the money is coming from to pay the bills. I had to work, and work and work, two, three jobs sometimes. Just to make ends meet. While he couldn't be bothered. No job suited him. He couldn't work for less than I did. Every job he had, he quit. Or maybe got fired, but that is not what he told me. He always wanted me to feel sorry for him. I finally left him when the youngest child was 1 year old. It was the hardest thing I ever did. But it turned out to be the best. My boys are 23 and 19 now. They are sweet young men who have gone to college, and are very nice to their girlfriends. They are not selfish, they are smart and confident and they work hard. It can be done. It is not easy. But in the end it is all worth it.
And yes I have a life too. I am very happy and even went to college and got a degree. I will pray for you. Pray for you that you find the strenght to give your child the chances that you didn't get.
Good luck to you
Michele
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I was raised by my moms parents. Mom had nothing really to do with me growing up. If she came it was only to borrow money or to eat. I tried just being nice to her but all she did was take. Borrow clothes without bringing them back. Borrow my child suport money and didnt pay back and so on. I'm now a happily married mother of 5 great kids. When mom was watching my daughter one weekend I called her to bring her back. She refused and instead brought my daughter and the cops with her to my inlaws house (where i was at). She fussed at me cause i had a job babysitting a neighbors 2 kids. There was no harm in it whatsoever. My daughter was right with me every day. She just didnt like it so started fussing at me and my hubby so bad. A cop brought me to the side that day and told me that if we dont stop arguing my daughter would be taken away from me. Also that I should quit my job so, I did.Since then I've had more kids and she plays favor to my oldest and now baby girls. She will not keep anybody but them. She will say tell... I'll make up there birthday. But she dont even come to there parties knowing when it is and all. My kids dont like her except at christmas she bribes them to be around her. other than that they get bored with her. I dont want me or the kids to be around her because of her attitude and all. She threatened that if I didnt let her see the kids she would take me to court. Far as I know there is no law stating i have to let her see them. I want her to leave us alone. Me and my kids are happy and well taken care of.Even the rest of my family agrees but can't get her to stop. My question is how do i keep her from seeing us with out getting the law involved? Thanks in advance (link)
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You do NOT have to let your mother see any of your kids. You are their mother, their legal guardian. Could she take you to court, not without hiring a lawyer. Does she have any money? She'd have to have a good reason why she should be allowed to see them, and you would have as many good reasons why she should not. If she did go that route and hired a lawyer, probably the least she would get is supervised visits. Because her refusing to bring one of the kids home when she was supposed to, then threatening you, that would show the court that she does not have the kids best interest at heart. She sounds like a jerk and carries some guilt around for not being a good mom to you. Maybe she is trying to change and is trying to make up for it to your kids, but too bad, you don't have to let her make amends, and it sounds more like she doesn't really care about the kids.
How can you keep her from calling the cops when and even lying to them to get them to harras you and even try to get you arrested. Here is how.
Always keep your cool. Especially if she does get the cops involved.
Remind her every chance you get what a lousy mom she was, even in front of your kids, so maybe she will become to embarassed to show her face.
Don't use the kids as pawns between you and her. And don't let your guard down during the holidays just to be nice, or just so the kids can get extra gifts from her. Those gifts come with too high a price to pay. If you don't like a person, do not accept things from them, no matter how much you might want it. Everything comes with strings attached. And it is not a good lesson to teach your kids. When they get older, or as each of them gets old enough, you can tell them why your mother is not welcome in all your lives.
Always point out bad behavior to your kids so that they will learn what it is, and learn not to do it, or copy it, and tell them why.
Good luck to you.
Stay strong.
- Michele
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okay hear is how it goes my father broke him back and his neck when i was younger. he also has sleep app. just this week he has fallen asleep in the kitchen 3 times and hit the floor. he hardly sleeps.. today he was just walking around house like a zombie would walk a few feet then start bending over falling asleep. i told him over and over again to please go lay down and he wouldnt. i dont know what to do. i know hes on meds. my mom divorced him and he and i moved to missouri. where we have no family. he doesnt have many friends. im pregnant and getting married on the 15th. i have been stressed out and this just doesnt help. any ideas? oh yeah and my fiance and i moved back in with my father to save some money. (link)
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Your father has not been a good role model or for that matter a good father. he should have exhausted all efforts to find out what was wrong or at least get well enough to function and not become a burden to his daughter. You and your husband to be have to work as hard as you can to move out. If your dad is in pain all the time from his injuries, then he could be addicted to the pain meds. Well I know it is hard but people live in pain every day, and still manage to function. I see a tragedy coming. You can protect him from himself. It is time to get your own life and try not to repeat what he has done, and be a better parent. There is a hard road ahead of you, and you can't be takin' care of him and your baby and your husband and yourself. Your dad has to find his lowest point himself, then climb out on his own. It will mean more.
That is my adivce. But I do wish you and your new family all the best in the world.
- Michele
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When I moved into my dorm at college, there was this one time I went away to a party overnight without letting my mom know. I am a legal adult, but am home for the summer. She outright asked me if I'd done it and I admitted it. Yes I know I shouldn't have gone behind her back like that, but if I hadn't done that I wouldn't have been able to go. I'm never allowed to go to anything when I'm at home, whether it be a sleepover or even to stay at my bf's house. I've missed out on so many things because of mom being overprotective. She feels I betrayed her and says there will be "serious consequences" Can she really punish me for this? She has been good about letting my bf stay here and she says I'm unappreciative of all she does for me because of what I did. What do I do?
19/f
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Your mom is overprotective, and she really believes that she is protecting you from some of the worse things that could happen. After all, if you thought she would have given her approval, you wouldn't have had to go behind her back. The damage is done for this blunder, all you can do now is try to work to get her trust back. It may seem like and pain, and that you shouldn't have to do it, but it is the only thing that will bring things back to the way they were. It is much better when you and your mom get along. What she needs to see is that you are making mature decisions about your life, who your friends are and what choices you make when she is not around to watch over you. Going to an all night college party is not a good idea, but you can't miss out on every one. Some are less crazier than others. It would be best if she thought that even if you did attend one of these parties, that she could trust you to not drink, not take drugs, be smart enough not to let yourself be drugged, and not engage in promiscuous sex. Having confidence in you is what will make the difference. Share with your mom your opinions on these kinds of things. If it is true that you are smart enough to not get caught up in these things, and you tell her that, she will believe you, and she will give you more freedom. Believe me, your mom knows that some day she will have absolutely no control over you and your decisions all. The sooner she knows that you are making smart and mature decisions, the sooner she will let go. NO one can protect their loved ones from every thing that can go wrong, but there are "stupid mistakes" and there are mistakes that are not our fault. YOu know,like going to the mall and getting shot by some idiot who had a fight with his girlfriend. That is something no one can protect their loved ones from. But there is so much bad publicity out there about teenage parties, especially on campuses, that it is no wonder that your mom is anxious about it. But some girls can manage to go to these parties and stay out of trouble Are you one of those girls? If you are, you can convince your mom more by being honest, than by being sneaky. Hope this helps.
Michele
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ok, well I am 7-10 years older than my little sisters and brother. When I was growing up I was only allowed to watch an hour of tv a week and my parents made me eat a green vegetable with every meal and all that. My parents split up, so now I have little siblings, but they are technically my half siblings. I love them so much, but I feel like my dad and stepmom like, don't care. It's not that they don't love them, i mean they do, a TON. They are great, loving parents. I'm 15/f and whenever I get involved, like commenting on how much tv they watch (they watch a lot) or the fact that the only vegetable they eat is carrots, my step mom gets mad at me. I can't really talk to my dad alone because he gets defensive as well and thinks I'm only saying this because I don't get along with my step mom. I love these kids and I really want them to be healthy, so what should I do? I'm a really anxious, worried person as it is, so it bothers me knowing that they are frying their brains and not getting proper nutrients in their diet. I don't know what to do!
please help (link)
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Honey, you are taking on an awful lot of responsibility and worry, that does not have to be your concern. I mean it is OK that your mom and dad, when they were married, limited how much TV you watched and made you eat green vegetables. The key here is "my house - my rules". (This is something you will understand better when you have your own home and your own kids.) Now it is your step mom who is the "mother of the house". And it is "her house - her rules". Sure I know your dad is there too, but really it is the 'mom' in most households who make the rules, Dads just go along with them to keep peace.
Honey, there are a lot of good reasons why kids should not watch too much TV and there are a lot of good reasons why we should ALL eat green vegetables. But there are kids and adults out there that DO watch to much TV and that never ever ate a green vegetable, and nothing bad ever happened. So if your step mom wants to make different rules than your mom did, it is a lot easier to just go along with her rules than try to change them. Or even to question them. Because many times adults don't feel like they have to explain things to kids. I disagree, but hey that's "my house and my rules".
Thing is parents know, that they can put all these restrictions on kids and make all these rules, and some day those kids are going to grow up and leave home and if all they want to do is watch TV and eat pizza, there is not alot that parents can do about it. The rules that parent's impose on us as children are meant to be guidlines, they are meant to keep us safe, and hopefully give us the tools we need to grow up happy, healthy and with a zest for life. Your half siblings still have a great chance of growing up to be fine....the most important thing you can all give them is LOVE. Just like you said, you love them to death.
Here is a little more advice. Choose your battles wisely, dear. Don't make this issue so important that is brings stress in to the household. There are so many more important things to worry about. Save it for that. I hope that I explained this OK, and that you find more reasons to be happy and grateful for your siblings than to worry about them.
Good luck to you. I hope your parents and your siblings know how lucky they are to have you as an older sister.
Michele
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Ok well her boyfriend came to school high right ? so now she wants to dump him and then she told me and when i saw him he looked totally fine hold on heres the convo lets say her name is Melissa
Me-You serious but when i saw him he was fine.
Melissa-He came at recess.
Me-I dont know but he looked fine to me
Melissa-So your telling me im lying great friend you are.
And i was just telling her what i saw i love her so much as a friend id do anything fr her but she blocked me and wont reply to my messages :( please any advice i need it so bad :(
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Well, you got her mad when you didn't agree with her. Not a good idea when dealing with female friends. However, she should understand that you are entitled to your opinion. After all you saw him with your own eyes. It would have been better to say that you didn't think he was high, but what did he do that made her think that he was. Maybe you didn't have time to do that.
If you are just interested in getting back on her good side, you have to agree with her. When and if you do get through, or get a chance to talk to her later, say something like. OMG, he was sooooo high. I can't believe he fooled me. You were right, but I should have listed to you, you know him better than I do.
Right now I think she is more mad at him for coming to school that way, then she is with you. I think she is just annoyed with you. While she was looking for someone to take her side and maybe help her decide her next step...... (should she break up with him or not????) .....you just didn't agree and that pissed her off even more.
If this all just happened this AM, just give her a few hours and then try her. Or make a point to run into her and let her know you agree with her.
Hey the real truth will come out eventually.... He WAS or WAS NOT high. But that is his problem. And if she dumps him because he can't stay straight, then he deserves it.
I hope this helps. I really think everything will be ok later today.
Michele
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I have a stepdad, him and my mom have known each other for about 5 years, and they married each other in October 2004. Don't get me wrong, I like him. Except for the fact that he's super stubborn and always complains about everything. He pays no attention to my dog Daisy, and always goes 'DAISY GET OUT OF HERE' when there's food around because like all dogs, she'll hang around and wait for food to fall on the floor. And she immediately runs to her cage, almost like she's scared of him. Even his friends wives have told my mom about how he treats her like sh*t and doesn't seem to care. He works hard to provide for our family, he works from 9 in the morning to 10/11 at night. I am grateful for how much he does for our family, but now my question reflects on the relationship I have with him.
For some reason, he never seems to 'believe me'. A few months back, I accidentally pushed my foot against my headboard when I was lying down on my stomach on my bed watching TV, and my headboard snapped and fell behind my bed. Even I was surprised, because there are like 12 nails lying there, and I didn't even push that hard! I'm guessing that it's just cheap wood.
Well, today's Saturday, and my mom works on Saturday mornings and he's home on Saturdays. He just went to buy nails because my headboard is /yet/ to be fixed after I've asked him for about 5 months. And it's always like when we ask him to do something, he starts complaining about it. Even the simplest thing like changing my half brother's diaper (I consider him my full brother since I love him dearly), and my stepdad's like 'no, I'm tired.. blah blah blah' and my mom ends up doing it, even after she comes back from her job (she's a waitress, and she's on her feet constantly), or I end up doing it.
Sorry for the long question, but here is my final question. I know that he is stressed out, but why does he take it out on me? Like I said, before he went to buy nails, he goes "I went to look at your bed and I understand if there was like 5 nails, but there are 12 nails there. How hard did you push it?" and he sounded mad.. and I go "Well, not that hard, I already told you, I don't know why it snapped like that. I promise I didn't push that hard." and he goes "Yeah, whatever." and walks away.
Why is he so rude? What did I do? Accidents happen. It's not like I did it on purpose! When he doesn't believe me for stupid things, I almost feel like crying because I feel like I did something wrong. I mean, we're still close and we talk, but sometimes it feels like we're strangers to each other whenever my mom isn't around. My mom also got this Honor Roll student bumper sticker from my enrollment thing at school a few days ago and put it on the part of the car where the paint is, and my stepdad like blew up. It was weird.. In my head I was thinking "It's not like she knew.. you don't have to bitch about it." He makes a big deal out of the silliest things!
I try to do everything to make him proud of me. I watch my brother constantly, I help out around the house, I try to get awesome grades to impress him. I get a pat on the back and my mom is like standing there all like "My daughter is so smart! I'm so proud of you!" (lol). That's another instance in which I like my mom better than him. She gives me sympathy when I need it and encourages me, but I've never seen any sympathy from him or like any emotion.
Why does he hate me? (link)
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I understand how you feel dear. I was married for a second time after I divorced my son's dad, and they didn't like him. He didn't like them, and didn't try to hide it. Oh he (the step dad) was wonderful before we married, but after.....he wasn't.
I tried everything and nothing worked. We even ended up in therapy.
What I finally figured out though was that he was (is) a very unhappy person. Full of self-hatred. I think this is your step dad's problem. I mean it is great that he works hard and supports your family, but your mom works hard too. And she can manage to be happy. Some people would just rather be miserable. They blame all their problems on other people. What happened to your bed was an accident. You didn't do it deliberatly. The fact that he won't change his own son's diaper shows that he is selfish. He also has a problem with mistakes. He thinks people should be perfect and not make mistakes, He tries hard himself never to make any mistakes, oh and when he does, he's got an excuse as to why it isn't his fault (right?!?!)
I'll also bet that he had a hard childhood and was raised by parents that always found fault with him and never thought he could do anything right. Men like this resent it when their children and especially their step children are raised in a more loving and patient way. They think that their wife is being to easy on the kids and they'll grow up to be less than perfect and make mistakes. Well that is what life is all about. we all make them. Can't avoid it. Part of life, all natural.......
He takes things mostly out on the dog, because she is a dumb animal and can't complain, and your mom may not get as upset with him yelling at the dog. But let him try that with one of you kids, I'll bet she'll get on his case if it becomes an every day occurance. I hope it does not.
Bottom line is, your mom must be relieved that she has some financial help and support, so she is not likely to get rid of him. You are right to be bothered by his meaness and lack of enthusiasm for your good grades and good behavior. It really sucks. The people in your life are supposed to love you and support you and be enthusiastic about your accomplishments.
You know, one thing these guys like is praise and compliments themselves. Find something you like about him and tell him. Praise something that he did, or fixed or made. Tell him you think it's awesome that he did that. Be sure and thank him a lot. And if you can work it in without sounding corney or phoney, tell him that you are glad that you mom married him. That goes right to his ego, and he will think much more of you after that, and it may turn out that he will be much nicer.
I know it's kind of manipulative, but hey, you didn't ask for this, and it's one way of dealing with it, that could turn out to be good for you.
IN the end, yOu may have to stick this out until you are old enough to leave. Becase adults have all the power, and you are not an adult yet. Just be respectful and fair. A normal adult could not ask for more than that. Remember that it is not you. It is him. Your mom will realize it some day and maybe will lay down the law and show him the door if he doesn't change. I wish you all the luck in the world honey. Get smart and get a good education and some employable skills so you can leave and be on your own as soon as you are 18.
Michele
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hi Michele,
thank you for taking the time to answe my question....
i am female. and my dad is Saudi Arabian. so technically i am too since we take after our dads. my mum and he moved to canada before i was born.
ok heres my west vs east problem:
i am so confused because as soon as i step out of the house everything is different. sometimes i feel like i am double faced. its not that i am one person here and another there. its just that i understand -perhaps more than mum and dad- how things work here in toranto, whereas at home i say yes and no to almost everything they want me to without questioning why. if i do (cause sometimes i really don't get it while my sibs get it instantly) they tend to make feel like an idiot or yell at me saying i am really capable of corruption. that includes their opinion about my "sinful" friends ( i understand that so many things that is ok with friends here don't go with our culture, granted, but it doesn't mean i can't befriend them. i have values and they respect that) so i don't see why mum and dad make my life a living hell at 23! (i feel like a 16 year old fighting for curfew) i know they worry that my judgment my get blurred. but i am by nature stubborn. if i know there is nothing wrong with something i will do it despite what they say... and they should understand that they raised me as best they could and that the world is not all evil (they don't allow me to go out alone i have to have someone with me at all times even for walks...) again as i said. i am stubborn. and i've had it with years of me not being able to do things like go to a play or dinner with friends when its dark... i did it once behind their backs and it backfired (i told my mum) and she went hysterical and that got me into sooooo much trouble (my mum says i will cause the shame of my father one day, that our reputation will deteriorate through me) ... again what is wrong with going out for dinner with frineds!!! if i do by a miracle get a chance to go... my dad makes sure i have a hell of a time by yelling at me or making me feel like crap before i go (in a way its a tactic to ensure that i have a bad time and i stop asking) ....
it really bothers me....i made another mistake when i am 17... we moved cities and i was a freshman in college. well it was a bit awkward since all of them had a dozen of boyfriends and went out on dates and stuff. whereas i have barely any experience with guys except those who are my friends (and my parents don't know of)... so i made up a lie about braking up with this guy so i don't look like an idiot. and i snuck out one night to go to this party were i had a glass of rum (the first and last drink i ever had) i went into my own guilt trip and still do today.... i know its stupid of me what i've done, when supposedly i should defend my background and stuff. but not to be argumentative i didn't want people to think i had some kind of complex or something since i've never been with a guy. and second i was so mad at my sister because she has been trying to look good on my expense.... it was a bad night to rebel i admit... nothing happend out of the ordinary.. but in context of conservative saudi society i have done the next best thing to the ultimate. i don't know what to do... its still haunting me today ... and my mum (though she knows nothing about it) makes me feel so bad, bad everyday i am conscious. what should i do to step back into the safe zone of my culture? i am afraid its too late :s
i am pretty educated when it comes to islam too, and we come from a sect that is very logical and says nothing of this nonsense on the news about blood shed and so forth... though despite that alot of the rules at home is, i believe, a question of heritage and culture instead of religion.... i am not sure what to do. i am not good with heart to heart talks with my parents (dad has a bad temper) and because they think i am a fool. i am too emotional. and to illogical.
i envy all my friends who have a good connection with their parents (arabs or not) i even had a huge fight with a friend because she was so close to her mum she'd tell her everything (like how we always hand out with our good guy friends) and eventually her mum told my mum and my mum thought i had a secret boyfriend and threatened to tell my dad(i fear she hears about my lie and won't believe me about it then) i am sure all mums have a thing or two in common right? but how come she panics so much.... none of my sibs have a good relationship with her... the only ones who SHE thinks she is close to are my brothers...
:S she's very superstitous too.. and she thinks that i am an easy target for evil eyes and bad curses or whatever... so its kind of hard talking to her like other kids do.... i really really need to redeem myself and express to her how sorry i am for doing things i shouldn't have (i can't tell her tough she'll go crazyyy) ahhh i really don't know what to do.... it's the fear towards them that makes me avoid confrontation. i mean i can't change.... and i can't exactly not change because that will change all the dynamics as you pointed (no higher education for me)... i am not part of the standard definition of "beauty" back in saudi either, so getting married isn't an option... eventually i'll have to go back and get married there. prospects of that are a bit dim since i am a freelance photographer and my work isn't really that accepted at home :S sometimes i think that is what bothers mum... that i am not like my baby sister eager to get married but too timid to say so and just pretends to be looking after a career for now until "he" comes......( perfect rapper for the perfect wife) ahhh why is my culture so different than my religion.... i am sorry this is so long :S i am just super super confused and i feel so bad about the lies i made in freshman.... (link)
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HI dear, I am glad that you left another question, and I will try to help. You gave me a clue when you said that your mom was supersitious and worried about the evil eye and stuff. This is important. I have known people who believed in this stuff. It is very very hard to convince them otherwise. This is a major part of your difficulty with your family. They are very old fashioned (we say here) and it has worked for them, and they want the same for you.
The problem is that the people that your folks are friendly with, will turn their backs on them if you embarrass them. Even holding hands with a man will bring great shame to the family. (I know that you already know this.) (and I don't agree.) But if your folks feel that is does, and believe me their "friends" will loose no opportunity to make them feel ostracized. And they will blame your parents for not bringing you up right. And your parents will blame you. They are working very hard, and are very hard on you, because they want to avoid this at all costs. In Saudi Arabia, I don't think I have to tell you what would happen, if this were to occur while you were living there. Well that said, how do you gain back their trust. And I agree with you, it is not the religion it is the customs. And many of them have developed due to the Saudi society, inspite of the religion of Islam.
So my suggestion is that you talk to them about how much you respect the RELIGION of ISLAM without saying that you respect the customs of your society. I am thinking that they won't know the difference. And you did tell me that you do agree with many of the edicts of the Islamic religion. The rules and customs. And that is great, so you wouldn't be lieing. Because they are less educated than you are, they (hopefully) will believe that your embracing the religion of ISLAM is the same as embracing their customs. While I believe you when you say that you are not going to jeopardize your relationship with your parents by doing something unacceptable again, you just want to gain back their trust. So I believe that showing them in whatever way you can, that you do embrace Islam will alleviate their fears. It will show that you respect them and understand them. I know it will feel awkward at first, but in time, your mom will grow to trust you more. It is ok to tell her that you understand that they do not want to loose their place in society, and you have no intentions of jeopardizing that.
Please do not tell them about the things you did when you were a freshman, no harm came of it and what they don't know won't hurt them. You do not ever have to tell anyone. Please it won't go well for you. Keep it to yourself. Really you did nothing wrong. It is normal to be curious and to want more freedom when you see it all around you. I suspect that your sister will want more as she gets older too. If you were living in Saudi Arabia you would have more friends that would be in the same sitatuation as you are. And there wouldn't be any thoughts of wanting more freedom because all of society in Saudi would be against you. I hope that when and if you do get married that you can come back to CANADA and work in your chosen field of photography and raise your kids there. Do you think you would raise your girls differently? I mean it is OK to expect your girls to behave and to have respect for the parents and to not date or anything and wait for their parents to choose their husband, BUT would you be more trusting? Could you be? Would the group of people, family, relatives, etc, allow you to be more liberal with your girls? This is something to think about.
I know that we women have more freedom in this country and in Canada, but I can't say that it has turned out well for all of us. I am not saying that Saudi society has the right answers either, but somewhere in there, there is a happt medium. As far as a better relationship with your mom, well I wish I had one with my mom too. She is 80 years old and we still have problems. Some people just don't change. But trying thinking about things from her point of view. Which will never change. You can be flexible, and I see that you already are. She cannot be. She has everything to loose. You think it is silly.
How can you ensure that when you are a married woman and mother, that you and your family won't be in the same situation. Maybe you can't.
I hope this helped and please write again if you like. I will be more than happy to answer you.
Michele
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i am from an arab heritage.... i am so confused about my culture... is there anyone out there who could tell me family traditions?? i am caught between west and east :S (link)
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I would guess that you want to hear from someone who is of the same culture as you, but I can try to answer. I have read a lot of books about arab culture. First you don't say if you are male for female. Because arab culture is very very different for both.
If you are a male, you are the pride and joy of your family. You will be spoiled and treated like a king.Along with your father and any brothers you may have. If your family is well off, your family may send you to college to become a doctor or lawyer. Arab men have a lot of pride. That is OK. I have read some great books about arab life, old and new. You don't say what country your family if from, and in some cases, life is very different within the arab nations. And of course money makes a big difference. But Kite Runner, is a great book written by an Afghan doctor. It is about life in Afghanistan before the Russians invaded it. It was actually a lot like the United States. They liked movies and fast cars and flying kites.
Even if you are in the US or in the UK, most likely your folks will be choosing your wife for you. You may have some say, but they will make the final choice. Can be difficult, but hopefully your parents will make a good choice for you. They want you to be happy. And they want you to have lots of happy healthy children.
Now if you are an Arab woman, than life is very difficult for you. If you are in the US or in the UK, you may be attending school. Most likely you were raised to be very modest, and that is OK. And you were raised to respect your parents, especially your father and you work around the house and help a lot. YOur brother(s) don't have to do anything. If you are being educated, that is great. YOu may even go on to college. But most likely if you move back to an Arab country, you will not be able to utilize your education. Not all Arab countries are like that, but some are. For you too, your parents will be choosing your husband. Tell them to please find you someone who is handsome and kind. Because once you are married, no matter how badly your husband treats you, you cannot go back home. It would embarass the family.
I have read some great books about arab women.
Princess, Reading Lolita, The trouble with Islam. To name a few.
Listen, your heritage is long and beautiful. Arab countries were the birth of civilization. You have a heritage that probably goes back 2000 years. Don't look for your heritage in today's arab world. Because only the bad news gets printed. The arab nation has produced some very great thinkers......Rumi for one was a great poet and writer born in 1207. They were great warriors and studied astronomy, they created libraries, and writing and the use of money for barter. Not to mention the great wonders of the world, the Taj Mahal, and the pyramids in Egypt. Did you know that Muslims, Jews and Christians all believe in the same GOD. Yes, Allah, God and Yaweh, are all one and the same. ANd beleive me, all of us have killed in his name. No one religion can claim to have been peaceful throughout history.
I hope this helps, and that I have piqued your interest in your heritage. You should find out more about it. It will help you to understand your folks better. And the reasons why your family has traditions. All families do. Good luck to you
Michele
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I'm tired of promisses that can't be kept. I want my Mother to look at me, and actually see me. Know me, not like a daughter but as a friend. Understand what Im going through, and make everything okay. She's never home, never talks to me like a person. She's always yelling at me for things I didn't do or should've done. I don't have a room anymore, ever sence my friend let me barrow a spare air conditioner my brother has moved in on me. I told him I want him out now, leave out of my room and he laughs at me like I can't do anything.. I woke my Mom up hoping she would do something like an idiot and she was like One niight he's fine on night he's not he's staying in here! And im like fine im sleeping in his room.. noo ur sleeping in your room so why can't he! I was saposed to go school shopping with her Saturday and she hasto work like usual! I like mesh into the wall, and she only talks to me when she wants something. She was bitching like well I haveto wake up in 6 in the morning so you both need to go to bed and I was like thats not my rpoblem scotts a drunk! Its not my fault you cant control him! And that you only get 10 dollars for gas because he cant drive himself! She's only punishing me! Always I open my mouth to be noticed and it something bad, something that threatens her. Shes already said she wants to move into a one room apartment and leave this all behind. Shes planning on leaving me and Im afraid one night she wont came home. I have a Dad yes but hes no better! Blamming me for everything because his boys cant do anything wrong. I dont wanna live here anymore. I have a friend who will take me in, but My Mom wont go for that shes always hated carolyn. I cant stand it here, she keeps threatening to not let me over there, I have really no where to go!I wanna leave. And let them forget they ever had a daughter. (link)
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Wow, I don't blame you for feeling so bad. I was kind of treated the same way when I was young, but at least my brother and I were both treated badly. It has to be worse for you, since your brother seems to get away with everything. Your mom (and dad) are really bad parents. Especially if they are letting your brother get drunk. And not doing anything to intervene. I am sorry that your mom only talks to you when she is yelling or wants something. That sucks, I know. You are so young though. I don't know what you can do. Staying with a friend would be great for you, but she doesn't have to let you go. Maybe in time, she will care even less, and it won't matter. I mean if you just stay there, and she doesn't come after you, and nobody, (like authorities/school) know, than you can stay. This happened to me when I was about 15, I moved in with some friends after a fight with my mom, and she didn't bother to come after me. And since I continued to go to school and stuff, no one knew any better. And my friend's family was glad to have me. YOu may have to be patient a wait a while. The more mature you become, the easier it will be to leave before you are sixteen. (Provided you have a safe place to go.)
And growing up in a home like this, makes you old before your time. You must have friends (carolyn) who don't live in homes like this.
One thing I would suggest.... I know it's hot honey, but if you got rid of that air conditioner, your brother would stop sleeping in your room. (I wouldn't want him in there eigher, if I were you.) Think of the soldiers in Iraq. It's 120 degrees there! Getting rid of the air condition put the control back into your hands. And no don't give it to him. Break it first. Push it out the widow. Hey he works and you can buy an airconditioner for about $100.00 today at WalMart. Why isn't your brother driving? Did he loose his license because he got caught drinking and driving? I wouldn't be surprised. He is a looser.
Honey, you have a very strong sense of justice. You know the difference between right and wrong. And so do your parents, but right now doing the right thing would be to difficult for them. They are weak people. You have inner strength. Don't forget that. This too will pass. Some day you will be 18, and you can leave and never go back. Just be sure you have an education and skills that can get you a good job so that you can support yourself. I ran away a couple of times, but always had to come back. You know $$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$. So in high school I took secretarial classes. Typing, bookkeeping, office skills. That got me a good job so I left for good at 18. Well today, if you have computer skills, which I am sure you do, that makes you employable. YOu won't make it if you just get a jjob at WalMart or McDonald's. Education is your key to getting away from this mess. Please hold on, it will be better for you in the end. And once you are out your hardest job will be to not grow up to be just like your mom. Not as easy as you may think it is. Whether we like it or not, good or bad, our parents are a great influence on us. Good luck to you dear. And leave me a private question if you like, in my in box.
Michele
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13/f
My printer wasn't working so I tried to fix it. My mom told me to just to rube some stuff on the ink things. Well, I didn't get what my mom was talking so I aksed her to repeat it. She said, "God, bella, your just the dumbest girl ever!" And my dad said, "Yea, no matter how many times I slapped her, she's still a stupid idiot." I feel really bad now. VERY. I'm crying cuz he hurt me so much. He's been saying things like this every since I was little. I've counted how many times he's said "I hate you." I feel really bad, espcially after what he did when Iwas little. He threw me outside and forgot me. I was outside, IN THE SNOW, until 1:00 a.m. My dad is always saying, I love you, your my baby girl, but i have this feeling that he doesn't mean it. I keep hoping my mom deviorces him. it's never gonna happen. I hate my dad now. He hurt me too many times. I want to know what to do. Plz, somebody give me advice ASAP. :'( (link)
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Oh, honey, that is terrible. I can't believe that your parents talk to you like that. I have never spoken to my boys that way. I know that it hurts and it hurts for years. Because that is how my mother used to talk to me. And I still hate her for it and I'm over 50 years old.
Some people just shouldn't be parents dear, but if your parents didn't become parents then you wouldn't be here. So let's cut to the chase.
I will not give you bad advice because I have been where you are and it almost ruined my life. For many years I suffered with low self-esteem because of my mother's words ringing in my head for years and years and years. I made many mistakes that I could of avoided if I had a little self respect and self love. I don't want you to make those same mistakes. The book that helped me, (because I couldn't afford therapy) was TOXIC PARENTS. It was written by Dr. Susan Forward. It has been out for many years. Get a copy. Try the library. You can get them on line at amazon.com for about $3 to $5 including shipping. Then you might want to pick up a new book out for Dr. Laura Schlessinger. Bad Childhood, Good Life, or something like that.
That book will help you to avoid the pitfalls that happen to kids who grow up with parents who constantly find fault with everything they do.
I know you are upset honey, and I know it hurts. I wish something could be done to change them, but right now you're powerless, and most people, like you know, authorities, teachers, etc, they don't like to get involved in a families personal affairs. that is as long as no one is being physically harmed. And I know, (and now you know) that words can hurt just as much.
I hope that you do take my advice, because in these books you will find the strength to overcome the things that your father, (and mother....because she doesn't do anything to stop him) says to you.
Good luck to you honey. Please feel free to leave a personal question in my in box if you want to.
Michele
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im 13 a girl ive been through some deaths a few even this month and whole lot my whole life. and my mom has some tumors they just found out but they wont tell her how many they just say its really bad and there is a few. we fight alot but i still love her. and my dad is always out of state or just never home and when he is home we do not get along at all. he loves my brother he will do anything for him or make me do anything for him. and he would tell me no if i asked for something. but i need my mom id kill myself if i lost her and would be just my dad and brother. what can i do to get over it. its so bad they wont even tell her HOW MANY tumors she has. what will i do? (link)
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YOu need to be strong for your mom right now honey. If you want her to get better, how she feels inside is also important. If she is worried about you, then she won't be doing the hard work she needs to do to fight this. Of course it is OK to tell her that she needs to fight this, and that you are there for her, and you will help her.
If you father and brother are being selfish and self-centered, tell them, and tell them they both need to behave for mom. You all need her. But looks like you dad is hiding in his job, and your brother won't be much help. It is up to you to be her "rock" for now. No matter what happens, helping your mom through this difficult time and being strong for her is going to make you strong, then you will be able to deal with whatever happens.
Good luck to all of you.
Michele
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