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stay or leave
Okay, this is the situation. I'm almost 18 years old and planning to attend college. The main question is where. But the twist...is my mom is an alcoholic. We are very close and I honestly don't know what I would do without her. I'm afraid that if I go to college in Colorado her drinking will get worse and she will in a sense have a breakdown.. literally. But, if I go to college close to home..things might not be as bad. I want her to be okay. But I also want to follow my dreams and not let anything or anyone hold me back. Asking her to get help is out of the question. She refuses to ask for help. So that, unfortunately is not an option. What should I do? I'm so lost right now. Please help me.
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Wow, this is like deja vu for me. My mom is an alcoholic also. And her illness kept me back. My father expected me to take care of her. Starting at the young age of like 15. I was hardly capable and ended up running away from home. But of course that solved nothing. IN any event, my mom has remained an alcoholic all those years. She is 82. I am 56. And I just completed my college education last year. I finally have my Bachelor's degree. I journey I started in 1972. Please don't hold back. Follow your dreams and go to college in Colorado if you want. You say you love your mother, and I believe you. But she doesn't love herself enough to stop drinking. She doesn't love you enough to see that her illness is also affecting you. It is the alcohol. It is the disease. It is insidious, but it is not your fault. You can make it your problem if you want to. Like I did, but like you said - her stopping is not an option. My mother didn't stop when my father died, or when my sister died, and her grandchildren don't want much to do with her. They didn't grow up loving her like you love your mom. Because by then she was too far gone to care. An alcoholic's emotions are numbed by the alcohol. So they don't see the pain they cause, they don't see what they are missing.
None of this is your fault. I suspect you already know that. But none of it should be your problem.
Hey, I never thought my mom would live so long. I mean she has been smoking since she was 15, and drinking, well not sure exactly when she started, but she was drinking when I was growin up so for 50 years anyway. And she is still alive. Still sharp mentally too, which is a surprise. So leaving to go away to college will not mean the end of your mother. I wish I had finished college in only four years. I wish I had moved out of state too. But I didn't. There is an old saying. God protects childen and drunks. And it seems to be true, at least in my mothers case. If your mom were a good parent and clear thinking, she would never, never allow you to put your life on hold for her. So please make your plans to go to the college of your choice. YOu can be supportive of your mom, you can be sympathetic and you can listen, but the best thing you can do is not ENABLE her when her drinking interfers with normal everyday life. When she complains, you can say, but mom you have a choice, you don't have to drink. Or something to that affect. I think you know what I mean. And yes, I know it will be hard, and there will be guilt feelings. And it wasn't until I had my own kids. (I have two) that I realized she was not a good mom, and not deserving of all my love and respect and putting my dreams on hold so I could feel sorry for her, along with her and enable her to wallow in her illness. Once I had my own kids, I asked myself, how could someone do that to their own kids. You have no idea what she put me through in high school.
Today she still depends on me, but I hold her at arms length. I would never let her live with me and my boys. She is not a pleasant person.
You need to grow and mature and gain confidence, employable skills, new friends and because the amazing person that I know you can be. Your mom had a chance, she chose not to let her light shine. Don't do that to yourself. And who knows, where there is life there is hope. Without you around she may just get better. She won't have you around to feel sorry for her or to help her feel sorry for herself. YOu have to find your path and follow it. Or you'll regret it. My live could have been so much different if I had a mom who encouraged me to better myself, instead of one who was afraid of the world, and made me afraid too. And depended on me too much, and I let the guilt work on me. Please take the life that you have been lucky enough to have been given by God, or Spirit or Fate, whatever you believe in, and go forward.
Good luck to you
- Michele
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